That description of your anxious attachment style having great affection for avoidant attachment is exactly where I am. She is an incredible woman and hyper-independent. They have the same feelings and emotions we do; they just process them very differently. We all want connection, love, and intimacy. But our attachment styles won’t allow us to go there in any deep, emotional way. It is unfortunate that two beautiful people will likely go through life never knowing deep romantic love, due to the way they were conditioned basically from birth. Not their fault.

Avoidant Attachment is exactly the opposite of how you are describing it in this article.
I know as Avoidant Attachment has caused my marriage to be sexless since the beginning because the Avoidant Attachment (the result of childhood abuse) causes severe intimacy anxiety which in turn shuts my body down sexually and I can’t perform.

A trauma-informed therapist may help you resolve the underlying issues you are facing. I’m certainly not an expert, but that is my opinion. Shirley

First, I’m so sorry for your loss. Our hearts go out to you and her family. Thank you for your sweet comment. It was truly appreciated. Shirley Davis

There are other factors at play as well such as birth order and your own personality. Thanks for your comment. Shirley

Thank you for this fascinating and instructive article.

I’m confused because I have most of the traits of an avoidant attached person, but my childhood was nothing like the one described. If anything my mother was a typical anxious/ambivalent. She was alternately very loving and dependent on me for emotional support, then cold and volatile when she drank.

I assumed this must have created the “love is too chaotic, keep it at bay” mentality I seem to have, but now I’m reading about attachment styles and that doesn’t seem to be how it normally works? It sounds like I should have turned out clingy and lacking boundaries (like my Borderline sister), but instead I’m all walled up. Maybe it depends on other factors.