Then the outer critic kicked in when a security vehicle was near me: They are looking for me to do something wrong. They are hoping I react negatively to justify punishing me. I look like a menace. They hate men.

I need to find some inner way to lower the emotional intensity before I can work through these thought patterns because I am swept away by intense fear.

Thank you for your comment. Shirley

For negative self-talk and the words from self-hatred, what I call judgments and denials. https://youtu.be/tQO4Tps7ZKU

For living as a victim forever. https://youtu.be/gXNBDuHC4UM

For The Importance of Becoming Your Own Parent https://youtu.be/VWerNeaxzwM

And https://youtu.be/2cj3yuF8NYk

These are processes and they are for changing habits. So practice is needed. I say habits over wounding or healing because we are not really wounded or damaged. We are imprinted with feelings and words that create habits of self-talk and the feelings they invoke.

Hello, and thank you for your kind comment. I too live with the diagnosis of DID and CPTSD so I understand.

Human beings are like Sir Isaac Newton’s first law of motion, “An object at rest remains at rest, or if in motion, remains in motion at a constant velocity unless acted on by a net external force.”

So, you see, self-loathing isn’t necessary as you are human and humans naturally go with what they know and behave as they have been taught unless a force (healing) intervenes (acts upon that road).

It sounds to me that you are doing a fine job of stopping your bad trajectory and turning your life around. Good job!

Thank you, we appreciate you. Shirley

i am a survivor of a childhood sexual abuse, rape, a mother with BPD and a codependent/depressed father…
and then i married someone with NPD (26 years, 4 children).
fits the pattern exactly, right??!!
i wish i knew then what i know now…

i started the journey towards healing about 4 years ago — i have been brave and consistent with a trauma therapist who is kind and empathetic and has supported me throughout this journey (i am so grateful for this) — it is not an easy journey but the bits of light i see on the path are so bright that i keep moving in that direction.
i am 52 years old but feel like i am just figuring out who i am.

in addition to CPTSD, i have DID and dissociate to the point of amnesiac episodes. i also self harm, even though it is unusual for someone of my age. this is getting better as i am healing, though, and i keep reminding myself that it is often a two step forward – one step backwards journey but that i am grateful for the journey itself.

i am ready to finally address the guilt and self-loathing head-on, but i find myself getting stuck.
how do you stop hating yourself for letting people who claim to “love” you run over you and every external and internal boundary you have ever had?

I’m so glad my piece helped you! Yes, those messages we tell ourselves can be brutal. We certainly wish you well on your healing journey. Shirley Davis