Sweet Rachel,

It will never make sense because what she did and why she did it is nonsensical… or it never could have happened. The “story” of who you are was conjured by her nonsensical thinking. You can’t explain or understand bad wiring. Just know, it was all a lie, made up in her head… not who you are.

It’s very likely she has no clue who you actually are, never will know, not capable of knowing…and it doesn’t matter. She doesn’t matter. She squandered her chance to do the right thing. So now, you get to decide. Trust your evaluation of yourself. You are special. You’ve walked through fire and survived, and with you, you bring wisdom to share.

You’ve seen more and experienced more about life, so now you know the difference between what is good and what is bad. Priceless. You have wisdom that you don’t even know you have. You have power and don’t know it because you’ve been trained to be a victim.

Choose your life. Choose it. Only let in good people and environments. Remove what is uncomfortable, negative, and unhealthy. CHOOSE. Remove IT, or remove youself. Treat yourself the way you wish you were treated; be loving, kind, patient, and understanding with yourself. And, expect others to do the same… or remove them.

We often cannot escape situations. That is reality, but you can start by calling it what it is. Then work to change things as you can… remember, be patient with yourself. Know, if you don’t choose, it will be chosen for you. You have incredible power… you survived. Just harness it. The world is better because you are here. Really.

When you walk through fire you learn. So, now you know about life. That makes you special. What you think and have to say is valuable. Important. Informed.

Decide. Choose. Share… and, thrive (it’s the sweetest revenge).

Blessings, Laurie

Hi Zanna,

Thanks for sharing your experience. The effects of maltreatment linger into adulthood for most people. You share that you have no contact with your mother and other family members. I know it must have been a difficult decision to sever ties. One therapist I spoke to noted that it’s wonderful when there can be true reconciliation and healing, but sometimes the best thing to do is “close the door.” For most people who experienced maltreatment as kids, setting limits is critical. Through most of my life, I vacillated between contact and no contact with my mother. I thought I was indecisive, but I’ve learned that this pattern of estrangement and reconnection is not uncommon. Some people work on forgiveness. It has been pointed out that forgiveness is not the same as excusing. Each of us has to find our individual paths for healing. I wish you peace.

My mother never physically abused me, but the neglect was so severe that even to this day, I can’t seem to escape. The damage is so deep. I spent my life wondering why people are mean to me, why I am ostracized, and why people make fun of me.

I was the unwanted child. I was the one who kept her in a bad marriage. I had a life-altering head trauma at birth, which led to physical and psychological problems associated with it. As a small child, I was hyperactive, hearing-impaired, and had trichotillomania. My mother just sighed every time I pulled my hair out.

I have endured lifelong insomnia and vertigo/dizziness. I also had extremely severe TMJD to the point where I couldn’t breathe because my spine (C1 and C2) was twisted at birth, yet no medical doctor will acknowledge the connection — to anything!

I don’t think my mother knows that she’s never liked me. It’s now clear how she favored my siblings and step-siblings over me. She even favors outsiders over me. She has no qualms stepping on me to be popular. I believe that, except for when I didn’t, I embarrassed her.

Three years ago, my mother delivered the last slap in the face. I am no contact with her and everyone in my entire family, plus anyone else who comes to her defense.

Hi Becca,

Thanks for responding to my post. You share your family’s history of intergenerational trauma. My mother died when I was 58. Up until then (5 years ago), I hadn’t considered the impact of intergenerational trauma in my life. At my mother’s funeral mass, a friend said, “I know what you went through with your mother, but can you imagine what your mother went through growing up?” My friend will never know how incredibly insightful her comment was. I hadn’t given my mother’s upbringing a lot of thought. But she had, no doubt, perpetuated a cycle of abuse with me and my siblings. You are so right– we (people who experienced childhood trauma) do matter and need to realize this.

Hi Charlotte,

Thanks for responding to this post and sharing more about your upbringing. You mention that after you had your child your mother was kinder and by that time she was on an anti-depressant. As the child of a mentally ill mother, I never received professional help nor did my mother. I consider this to be regrettable. I believe our lives could have been different if she and perhaps the family as a whole had received mental health services. My mother died when I was 58, and I found that I still had puzzle pieces to put together about the impact of childhood trauma. Without a doubt, each of us has to find his or her own path to healing.