Comments on: No Contact For Survival

By: Elizabeth Woods

Elizabeth Woods — Tue, 20 Dec 2022 13:52:10 +0000

Hi Randi, I’ve just come across this post. Thank you for writing this. I have been in a similar situation as you with my mom after an abusive childhood. It is not easy to cut someone out of your life, especially a “mom” but my thoughts are exactly the same as yours. If a “mom” has never been there apart from giving more pain then why stay in touch? Life goes on and the way I see it, it is “her” loss she couldn’t be the person I needed. She is now missing out on the future generation by refusing to change. I don’t regret cutting her out and I feel so much happier. I’m on Twitter @Elizabe69245484 if you want to connect. I’m also a writer on this site. Take care.

By: Maya

Maya — Fri, 23 Apr 2021 15:19:17 +0000

I am sorry you went through that. Although, our experiences are different the pain seems similar to have a mother that is not capable of love is really heart shattering. The discard is shocking and painful. My mother just wanted to see me miserable and sabotaged my attempts at happiness throughout my life. I went no contact six years ago and it has been lonely and difficult. I tried therapy but it doesn’t feel that helpful. Currently, one therapist keeps suggesting some form of contact so I feel some relief even though I keep saying it is not what I want. It seems no one understands that families can be harmful and no contact is the way to go. I am tired of feeling guilty for not being in contact with a family that was abusive toward me and to have to feel like I have to explain myself.

By: Randi

Randi — Thu, 12 Nov 2020 19:08:27 +0000

In reply to Kate. Thank you for sharing your story. It never ceases to amaze me about the lack of knowledge out there about C-PTSD. I'm glad a therapist finally diagnosed you and gave you the clarity you needed and deserved. You seem to have come a very long way in your healing journey. Sending hugs!

By: Kate

Kate — Thu, 12 Nov 2020 11:24:55 +0000

Thank you very much for your post. It rings so true for me too. Like Deanne (commenter), I did not want to have children because I was afraid I would treat my children the way she treated me. I moved 1800 miles away when I was 19 but I never cut ties with her. I was never sure whether the problem was with me or her. I remained unmarried and childless until I was swept off my feet at 35, married, and gave birth to my daughter at 36. When my daughter was six months old, I realized the problem was with my mother and I cut all ties with her for 2.5 years. Then one day she showed up at my door, asking for my forgiveness. I was so shocked but also delighted. Big mistake. Over the years she tried to treat my daughter the way she had treated me but I always stood in the gap between them, at my daughter’s defense. Contact was minimal but enough for my daughter to understand what my mother was like. Fast forward to four years ago when I visited her to find her in grave health and living conditions at the hands of my two siblings. Many lawyers later and I now manage her care in a memory care residence ten minutes from my home. She has Alzheimer’s. I am no contact with my siblings which should have happened decades ago. Two years ago I was diagnosed with C-PTSD which is rooted in my abusive childhood history. I’ve worked through the grief on this side of the history and that is okay because what matters is I worked through it. 35 years ago I went through four years of therapy and was told my family was dysfunctional and my parents were toxic, but I wasn’t told why or how to cope with those truths. Now I have learned that they are personality disordered (narcissism and psychopathy) which has really helped me to understand WHY I was so unhappy in those relationships, so I have peace. I have also learned the crucial importance of self care. I take care of my mother because i am a loving and compassionate person but I do not love or even like my mother for who she always was. I love ME.

By: Randi

Randi — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 22:54:04 +0000

In reply to Dami. Hi, Dami! I'm so glad that you are able to see how much better off you are without her! That takes so much strength and self-awareness. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your experience with me. Sending lots of hugs to you!

By: Dami

Dami — Fri, 30 Oct 2020 19:06:08 +0000

Hi Randi!! The situation you described is exactly what happened to me 3 years ago with my mother (also the pain during traumatic childhood). I could write this article in the same words!
Initially going no contact was very hard, I had a lot of self-doubt and anger, but with time and work I swallowed the hard pill and accepted the truth. She enjoyed destroying my life, she never changed and I had to accept the idea that she was not/is not my family.
Now that she is out of my life I feel relief and I don’t want to know or hear anything about her.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Big hug

By: Randi

Randi — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 19:29:04 +0000

In reply to Jeanne.

Hi, Jeanne!

Your story touched my heart and brought me to tears. So much of what you shared resonated with me.

I am deeply sorry for what you have gone through. I completely understand your paradoxical thinking, as it was the exact thought process I had for most of my life. You have done everything possible to stop the cycle, and that demonstrates a huge act of selflessness.

It is wonderful that you are trying to learn more about CPTSD and gain awareness. Acceptance and awareness are the crucial ingredients for self-love and compassion. I hope that you continue to heal and show compassion for yourself along your healing journey.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Sending hugs!

By: Randi

Randi — Mon, 26 Oct 2020 19:17:47 +0000

In reply to Kathy. Hi Kathy, Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your circumstances. I'm so sorry your parents were unable to give you the love you deserve. Acceptance is always the hardest part of healing, and it takes enormous strength and bravery to do so. It is no easy task to stop the cycle, so kudos to you as well for breaking the cycle of abuse with your children. Your husband and children are lucky to have you!

By: Jeanne

Jeanne — Fri, 23 Oct 2020 14:42:55 +0000

Hi Randi, I was encouraged by reading your post. It takes a lot of strenght to speak out online — and passion to protect your daughter in the best ways you can. It’s a huge challenge having a living parent that is unstable, especially with your hard-won awareness of the damage she can still do to your daughter. Painful, if not healthy boundaries!

In my 20s-30s I wish I’d been strong enough to raise a family (let alone establish a healthy long term relationship), but I chose not to have children out of fear I’d “be like my mom” who was borderline. There was always that paradox of “I’m supposed to love my mom — maybe someday she’ll apologize and become a consistently loving mom,” and “what did I do wrong? why does she repeatedly rage and say she never wants to see me again?”

By the time she’d had a couple of strokes in her 80s, I hoped that maybe she’d found some lasting peace and I could finally get to know her. Plus, my dad was anxious to get help, take care of her and continue “keeping her safe,” which meant keeping her calm and not abusing him. I was also curious about my dad, whom I never knew much about. My dad was mostly clueless about what was happening at home when his 4 kids were in school, he was always at work. Although mom attempted suicide and had many other dramatic episodes at home, he was always committed to being her caretaker and making sure after all his children distanced themselves, we would avoid encounters with her that might set her off.

Now I’m almost 70, learning more about CPTSD, and making sense of the struggle with my mom and myself. Even 15 years after my parents’ death, I am becoming aware of the results of self-loathing behavior. I’m breathing easier, feeling compassion for my mom who became a perpetrator of what happened to her as an infant.

Breaking the cycle and sharing about it is helpful to all who seek understanding and community. Thanks for offering a place to share about this.

By: Kathy

Kathy — Fri, 23 Oct 2020 12:05:36 +0000

Hi Randi,
Thank you for these wise words! Your daughter is so fortunate to have your love and strength. I too, “wished upon a star” for healthy parents who could love me. Accepting that they will not change, and not having them in my life, is one of the hardest parts of healing. It’s been 13 years, and like you I grieved and mourned. My perfectly imperfect, healthy, and loving relationships with my husband and three grown children are worth it all.

Kudos to you for breaking the cycle and giving your daughter and yourself the great gift of love.