I could go on about my situation, but I’ll do my best to keep it brief and try to say something that might help you, in the way you have helped me. The ‘what if’ that you’re experiencing goes both ways when dealing with the people who taught us how to fear. While you are wondering ‘what if’ you had sent that letter, I’m sitting here, on the other side of the world, wondering ‘what if’ I had cut off contact years ago and how much pain and anxiety I might have saved myself instead of continually trying to be an emotional support animal to someone who might fly off the handle at any moment. On one hand, staying close to him and observing him exist in a world that is increasingly leaving him behind has been the thing that has made me aware of my own trauma, but on the other as you are showing, that’s not the only way to deal with that trauma. And repeatedly trying to do as you say you have wished you might have done, in viewing things sympathetically through his eyes and through his own trauma has changed nothing about who he is, or how he views the world, or the horrible way he treats everyone around him, including his ‘favoured’ son. No amount of kindness and empathy can turn someone like that into someone that isn’t deeply damaging to be around.

And that, I believe, is the key here. If someone is truly that damaging to be around that you feel you needed to make that clean break, I do not think it fair to yourself to accept the level of guilt that you seem to be from this article. I understand these emotions are complex, and that we are not always in control of how we feel. But I do believe it is important to contextualise these emotions in a larger sphere of things we do for our own wellness. I’ve often heard the expression ‘never regret trying to do the right thing.’ I would expand that a little for situations like ours to read ‘never regret doing the right thing *for your own mental health*.

I will add that while I still hope to avoid no contact, I am aware that it very much needs to be on the table right now, and if I need it, I hope I have the courage you had to act on it. From one Traumatised Motherfucker that sees their father in them to another, one thing that I am certain about is that conversations like this is the way we lessen that trauma being passed down further. So while we may both carry regrets we may never fully rid ourselves of, I hope we use these regrets to ensure we never become what caused them.

I have no idea whether you will find this helpful, or even if it will ever reach you considering you wrote this nearly 5 years ago. But thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, they have definitely helped me.

C

I beat myself up over having sympathy for my Dad, after what he did to me, and loving him despite what an intolerant, difficult person he was, so it’s comforting to hear your story, and see I’m not the only one.

My Dad was a child in Nazi Germany, sent to the Hitler Youth, separated from his parents, and his father used to beat him, before dying in the war in Italy. Dad, as a tyke, had to fend for himself a lot, steal food etc. and endure abandonment. I have yet to try and read his childhood letters to his mom, written in old script German, which he left me, in a safe. That’s what he kept locked up, not jewelry, but letters from his childhood, and old photos from the 40’s.

I miss my Dad, and I sometimes dream of joining him in the hereafter (which I don’t even believe in), to continue to attempt to win his regard and respect. What he did though, is ruining all my relationships, especially that with my mother.

Haven’t had any interaction with any of my family in 20 years. What’s bad is it doesn’t seem to bother me. That’s the part that I really don’t get. It should bother me. Hope things get better for you. James

I loved this article. You have a very different way of writing about grief that i needed right now. My abusive mother i stopped contacting 6 years ago passed away last night. I’m reading articles for guidance because nobody around me understands what I’m going through and it’s been tiring reading the same sentiments and advice for coping over and over, not that they aren’t valid, but it feels less genuine or honest. Thank you for sharing your experiences in a profound and raw way. My mother was definitely a Traumatized Motherfucker which I’ve come to realize after going through my personal battle with CPTSD and Bipolar 2. I know i couldn’t have had the relationship i wanted with her before she physically passed away, but now it’s gone, and I’m equally anticipating to discover her own internal monologue as my brothers sort out the belongings.