Generational trauma has been one of my biggest fear for my two adult sons. Knowledge is power, I wish there had been more for me, when my children were young. I was forever searching for information on a very new internet, but of course it wasn’t available.

My childhood was abusive, and because of it, I missed out on the tools, lessons that loving nurturing parents hand down to their children, and make good parents themselves. I was totally aware that my parents, especially my mother’s cruelty, dictatorial parenting and emotional neglect were damaging. But only in a general sense and of course my low self esteem, and lack of knowing ‘how to change’ made me doubt myself.

Cognitive dissonance and confusion, I accepted my parents account that I was flawed and lacking in so many ways, shame I was not being a good parent, and fear I would screw up my children, like I was.
I wasn’t an abusive parent, I love my children, in retrospect I made mistakes, but who doesn’t, but I didn’t resemble my parents picture and belief of me. I was and still remain the scapegoat of the family.

I let my children be exposed far too much to my controlling parents, and released the reins of my parenting, after I was labelled the troubled f..ked up half of a broken marriage. No support from my family, just shame and blame and barracking for my ex husband.
This caused a break down of relationship with one of my sons, and has never really repaired. My mother has brainwashed him, I am that flawed person and he swelled lies she fed him.

That regret will live forever.

This is not a plug or advert. But genuine sense of relief having listened to it myself.

For UK studies see

Messages from Research: Child Protection and Child Abuse. Depth of Health 2012

The Safeguarding Children Research Initiative and Working Together to Safeguard Children (2008)

Prof Eileen Munroe was the lead professional and a colleague of mine. The key message, as Gemma says, is for help with very difficult decisions made within the natural ecology of the family.

Sadly, I found that the financial arrangements made for the growth of private agency led adoption and fostering creates perverse incentives that, inpart, depends upon societal negative stereo typing of women as the ‘bad mum’.

I congratulate Gemma for her bravery here.

I’m a former children’s and mental health social worker in the UK and have held, emotionally, too many mums through such a harrowing time – heart breaking and done with such bravery – beware the replacement baby syndrome – I agree kinship care is absolutely brilliant.