Kayla, thank you for writing publicly here, too. Yes, abuse continues in silence AND survivors continue to suffer in silence. I was almost 46, before I was accurately diagnosed with PTSD/CPTSD. That was 8 years ago this spring. I have learned a lot in these past 8 years, and I am still learning about my learned behaviors from childhood, that are not needed with non-abusive folks (eg: just because someone is irritated, their next step is not to start breaking things. That is a new concept to me.) I am glad you are learning how you have been affected. This kind of learning has been eye-opening, shocking, helpful and healing for me.

Yes, as we survivors speak openly about what we lived through and what we live with, others can learn and hopefully, heal some.

I think my next two posts here will be interesting to you, also. I explain how triggers activate neuropathways in the brain. (I explain neuropathways, using common non-traumatic examples.) Then I explain how common nice actions can be triggers depending on the abuse.

Sorry, but kinda glad I’m not the only one who’s had to walk out of places due to being triggered. I just thought, initially, I was exasperated with other people and their behaviors, but turns out I’ve been triggered most of my life and coping by “fleeing” the room, usually quietly by removing myself without a word, or just a quiet word unrelated to the trigger.

Very odd to realize these were avoidance behaviors after starting therapy. I didn’t have anyone to teach me how to handle my strong emotions better.

Nadine, you are most welcome and I am so glad this help clarify some understandings of abuse that is not always easy to identify; that was my hope. Yes, I agree, most, if not all, no contact physical abuse is emotional abuse.

You are spot on to identify some more no contact physical abuses. Sadly, some abusers are very clever, careful and yet, highly effective. To damage objects and animals that someone else cares about is certainly no contact physical abuse.

I agree, the more we can identify actions and non-actions as neglect or abuse, the easier we can deal with them. Well said.

Jess,

You are welcome and thanks for your comment. Yes, when one knows violence is always possible, fear of it is always on one’s mind.

Kayla,

I am so glad you found this post helpful. I found the condition angrophobia by doing searches about “fear of anger.” I can relate to leaving public or work situations, because of reactions connected to my childhood. Yes, the slightest irritation in someone’s voice, and I am on high alert, too.

This is the first time I’ve heard or seen tale of someone else experiencing what I am only just beginning to understand. I’m 31, and have been in trauma therapy for 2 years now working on all my reactions to my childhood abuse, neglect, and other traumas thrown in.

My parents’ and older brothers’ anger and violence towards each other was, mostly, no-contact violence/abuse towards me. It was mainly directed at each other, but I greatly feared their anger and it being directed at me.

I still tremble when I get in a conflict with someone now, even knowing they’re giving me a safe space to have that conflict with reasonable listening skills being used. But, any hint of anger or frustration on the other party’s part and my hyper-vigilance turns on and I usually subconsciously try to fawn and then want to kick myself later for it.

Amy, I am sorry you lived through similar events. Thanks for all of your kind words. You are also very good at writing. Abuse continues in silence, so I am speaking out. The more we survivors can identify the abuses we survived, the better we can validate and care for ourselves. Your kind, validating and supportive words mean a lot to me. This is why I decided to start writing, making YouTube videos (link is in my bio here) and public speaking. Ironically, I learned some of my clear communication skills trying to talk about reality with my gaslighting family, who were working really hard NOT to talk about what they had really done or said.

What I call “submit and appease,” Pete Walker calls “Fawn.” He has written more about it here. http://www.pete-walker.com/codependencyFawnResponse.htm I hope to have a post here a couple of times a month. I have posts planned about “all emotions are valid,” “reading micro-expressions,” “emotional dissociation,” all leading up to a piece about “Submit and Appease.” I am so glad you learned a lot from this piece and I hope my future pieces continue to help you better understand what you lived through, so you have less suffering and more comfort in your life. Roger