I have been working at a new job for about two years now. But, my former boss (last job) buys food that I make every morning. He is allergic to certain stuff so it’s a special food. I do get triggered by him. I try to avoid him whenever possible. Also, get triggered by men randomly. It’s embarrassing. :/

My therapist is very confusing at times. I don’t think she believes me. I feel like she judges me.

Before Covid (two jobs before the one I have now) I was trapped at extremely hostile job. I believed a lot of people struggled with mental health there. There was guy that was always trying to humiliate me and make me look bad with an older woman. He was a womanizer, yet everyone liked him for his sense of humor. He liked to entrap women in embarrassing situations for entertainment. I was the one stuck in same room working for 4 years. Nobody, knew what type of monster he was (including me) I had no clue. My biggest issue is trusting people too much. At the time, I kept thinking if I just kill everyone with kindness I would be okay. Fawning was my biggest defense. When I was able to blend in everything seemed to be much easier. Now, I feel like I’m under magnifying glass. People watch me carefully. I feel like I can’t escape. Seems like I can’t be nice enough at times. I want to move far away, but my husband is a farmer and I’ve got kids. I just want to do my job.

I don’t know how to heal. This old boss has never done/said anything bad to me. I’ve said at times he was a good boss. That’s true. It’s not his fault I’m messed up. Possibly my childhood and that stupid idiot and his friends. They know all of this…. I know they know. Yet, I don’t believe my therapist understands that I’ve got an anxiety attachment disorder. I feel like sometimes she never listens to me. So, if I mention this to her there is a huge chance that I wouldn’t be diagnosed. She didn’t listen to me about CPTSD. Yet… she diagnosed me with ADHD. My former therapist was the one who officially diagnosed me with CPTSD.

Leeann, I’m sorry that you went through that at work. Unfortunately, that is not uncommon. However, can I just celebrate you and the courage you showed by making the choice to leave a toxic environment because it wasn’t good for you? You didn’t force yourself to stay in it…you stepped into your power and took action to protect yourself. That is HUGE!!! We can’t change other people, and when the company environment/culture supports the dysfunctional behavior, then it is time to create an exit strategy. You don’t have to stay in it…you have choices today that you did not have as a child. Well done!!!

Elizabeth, thank you for your reply and your kind words. Trauma survivors often experience a sense of shame about how they handle abusive or toxic relationships in the workplace, but honestly, I see our ability to navigate those difficult situations as our superpower. You are confident in your ability to fawn and keep yourself safe. Learning how to handle things differently in the workplace, like setting personal and work boundaries, is part of the healing process but takes time. Instead of seeing it as a battle that we win or lose, I’ve adopted Nelson Mandela’s mantra…I either win, or I learn. Learning a new skill is never a loss. I won’t let anyone stand in the way of my dreams and I encourage you to do the same.