Wow, I don’t mean any harm but your parents are pathetic for doing that. I have been the alienated parent in my case and my whole family is behind me with this. They know the other parent is a narcissist. They pray with me, comfort me, and they always tell me to keep pushing and never give up. Even with all of their support I have wanted to die. My baby has always been attached to me and considered me his favorite person until the narcissistic parent totally brainwashed him and now he has thoughts of bad things that have never happened. Not only is it hurtful but the level of shock is unexplainable. No one would have ever thought that as stuck under me this child was that he could be manipulated into believing untruthful things. But when the child is alienated from you and the other parent hates you they want the child to feel the same about you and in that long period of alienation the child seems to become tired of being split so decides to side with the one they are stuck with. It’s like they realize the have to agree with the abusive parent but agreeing isn’t enough until they began to act on it how the abusive parent wants them to. It’s really sad and crazy. The courts in America need to do something to keep this from happening because there are many greedy lawyers out there that only care about getting paid and they are making hundreds of thousands of dollars off one family but they are killing children. The issues these children face as children are carried into their adulthood and the professionals who should be protecting them are setting them up to be toxic adults. It’s horrible. The lawyers see money, many do not have any morals or ethics. Parental abuse and assisted by greedy, unethical attorneys.

I would like to add a perspective from my own experience. It is not only ex-partners who can engender parental alienation. Any important caregiving figure can have this influence.

For me, after escaping an extremely abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist who then spent a decade undermining the relationship with my daughter, over time it became clear my parents were following the a very similar pattern. Although they were more subtle, not as dramatic or obvious in their abuse, and may have justified this as ‘benevolence’, for instance ‘don’t tell your mother how you feel, she has enough to cope with, come to us’, their distortions were nonetheless devastating and consolidated messages about me not being competent or capable as a parent. It validated the wedge between us, was designed simply to make them feel good and ultimately strained the trust I had with my daughter.

I eventually came to realise that one of my parents is a narcissist and other is a co-dependent enabler. My experience of their emotionally immature patterns in childhood set me up to be vulnerable from narcissistic abuse from others.

She and I were victims of the needs of others. Parental alienation can be overtly toxic or covert, dressed in a cloak of care, and can come from anyone with influence.

One thing I see being very much overlooked in articles about parental alienation is instances where adult or nearly adult children are involved. My partner’s children are between 16 and 23 years old. Their mother, the narcissist in this equation, has done horrible things to them. She robbed my partner of the opportunity to tell them that he was filing for divorce, she robbed him of the opportunity to tell them he was in a relationship with another woman, and she engages with the children as if they are her friends rather than her children. She has done scary things to the kids like refusing to eat, lying about their father, and forcing them to confront their dad with ultimatums (like refusing to speak to/see him if he doesn’t go back to his ex). I just want to point out that it’s not just young kids who can fall victim to alienation. There are true master manipulators out there who are so good at playing victim that they can manipulate adult children into alienating their other parent even in scenarios like mine where the mother was very uninvolved in their lives outside of what was convenient for her or what allowed her to have a friendship-like relationship with the children.

I wish I had advice to those out there who are going through this, but the best thing I can offer to those who are either supporting a partner who’s being alienated or are the person being alienated is to stay even and consistent with the children. Love them, be there for them even when it’s hard. Never feel like you need to share with them more than is necessary and even though it can feel impossible not to, NEVER engage in activities that alienate the alienator. If you are able to get your adult children to participate in group/family counseling, I highly advise this. Sadly there is not much that can be done legally when it comes to divorce, adult children, and alienation, but there are things that you can do to support your own mental health. Finally, be sure to communicate with your partner the emotions you’re feeling and if you are a supporting partner, try to remind your alienated partner at least weekly that it’s okay for them to feel all the things they need to feel while going through this. I write letters to my alienated partner’s children that don’t get sent. I share them with my partner whenever he is feeling alone because it’s a good way to show that I not only am trying to connect to his grief, but I am observing the way it’s impacting him. Stay strong everyone!