Hi Dave. I had to think a bit about this response.

Wow, thank you for that comment. HSP highly sensitive person, highly creative, RSD rejection sensitive dysphoria (which I call annihilation anxiety because it is so bad) Can’t keep but one thought in mind at a time, easily distracted, forgetful, hypervigilant, the list goes on… but it is so difficult to grasp a diagnosis in hand when overwhelmed by C-PTSD symptoms… that seem endless too, and shared with differing diagnoses.
I knew there had to be a bright light in there somewhere for self-exposure in posted writings. I’ve been in the camp with Dr. Bill Dodson on how therapy doesn’t even touch RSD, rejection dysphoria, and for me, it certainly hasn’t. My RSD seems innate, autonomic, and quite a frustrating problem. Certainly, more than frustrating but my true anchor in life holding me down.
“A symptom bundle that exists with ADHD.” I have wrestled with the issue of ADHD being the only cause of RSD. It seems logical that dysregulated emotions, which I clearly have, as well as repressed… dysregulated emotions exist in trauma disorders too. Thus, an argument could be made that RSD could be caused by many conditions, including CPTSD which I have. Ironically, taking Clonidine, as so many other drugs do to me, activates a sense of RSD within me, forcing me to get off the drug. Talk about HSP. I’ve had a few seizures in my life as well, believed to be from excessive stimulation, non-epileptic.
How in the world does one differentiate ADHD from CPTSD experience through a highly sensitive person’s brain network? You have touched on a pressing and unresolved issue with me, Dave.

Jesse

Hi Anna. I thank you for intuiting a struggle on my part to learn to write effectively. You are a perceptive one. My life hasn’t been easy, educationally. A year ago my essays, written, revolving around my psychological and emotional issues, didn’t seem like there was a possibility of being published. I’ve come to see that what we see in ourselves are issues that are shared with others. If you see it and feel it, so do others. We simply are not alone, as we think we might be. I am seeing a re-enforcement of that from others connecting and getting how I experience life expressed in my essays. *Anyone reading this please comment and share your ‘burden’ that may lie in a secret place. If you relate.

Anna your words have touched me deeply. He says as he wipes tears from his eyes. God Bless you, and I am not a religious man; if that makes any sense.

Jesse

Hi Scott, and yes, it is effed up. I liked your writing, response not only because it was honest, but also because I didn’t know how sharing my experience of learned helplessness would be received. “Learned Helplessness… I find it interesting the psycho-emotional ‘conditions’ that manifest around the core of a trauma disorder. We talk of C-PTSD, but as I said in my paper, “The digging it out (understanding) of my unconscious,” a learning ‘aversion,’ it is it seems, a side, comorbid, as they say, stand-alone issue. Although the laundry list of symptoms that suffers from C-PTSD tend to exhibit is potentially LONG.

Thanks for commenting. I also understand and relate to the age aspect you made about yourself. All too familiar, sounds like a lifelong struggle and I get it.

Jesse

Your description of what it’s like to experience this awful, awful burden mirrors my own. At the age of 65 I now struggle with an inner critic who keeps me from engaging in my artwork, which is one of the true sources of joy that I possess. Ironically, it’s also the thing that can bring me healing. That is truly effed up.

In my meditation practice I have recently started to work with guided meditations that aim to draw out and heal the inner parts of me that have been directing my thoughts, self perception and behavior without my understanding for all my life. As well as having recently read Dr. Richard Schwartz’s book No Bad Parts, I’m now seeing glimmers of hope and am starting to see the possibility of wholeness for the first time in my life.

Wishing you peace and freedom from this terrible thing!