Laura, thank you for saying this so plainly. What you described is not weakness, and it is not you “failing” to stop something you can already see. For a lot of trauma survivors, fawning is not a conscious choice in the moment. It is an old survival reflex that can take over before your mind even has time to catch up. That can feel terrifying, exhausting, and deeply isolating, especially when other people do not understand what is happening.

The fact that you can name it already matters more than it may feel like right now. That kind of clarity usually comes before change, even when the cycle still feels brutal and discouraging. And you are right that finding a therapist who actually understands CPTSD and fawning can make a real difference. You are not the only one living with this, even though it often feels that way. I am very glad you spoke up here, and I am wishing you steady, informed support as you keep going.

Dee, what you’re describing is very possible, and it doesn’t mean you caused the dynamic in your second marriage. When someone develops a fawn response in an earlier abusive relationship, that nervous system pattern can carry forward into later relationships without the person realizing it. The brain has already learned that appeasing, smoothing over conflict, or minimizing your own needs helps maintain safety, so it keeps using that strategy automatically.

Over time, that pattern can shape the relationship dynamic itself. When one partner consistently accommodates, the other can become used to that structure without either person consciously intending it. The loop simply becomes familiar.

As for the narcissism diagnosis, those labels can sometimes be accurate, sometimes not, and sometimes relationship dynamics can resemble narcissistic patterns even when the deeper issue is trauma responses interacting with each other. The more important question is whether your voice, needs, and boundaries have space in the relationship.

The fact that you’re asking this question shows real self-awareness. When people begin recognizing long-standing survival patterns, it can feel disorienting at first. That “I’m all messed up now” feeling is actually very common when the nervous system starts reevaluating behaviors that once kept you safe.

Awareness is often the first moment the pattern begins to loosen.

I loved your thoughts and research on this subject. I have a question about a second marriage. I became a fawner thru the verbal and mental abuse of my first marriage of 13 yrs. Is it possible for me to turn that behavior on my second husband causing him to continue my fawning and suck him into continuing my behavior for another 20 yrs of marriage? He was diagnosed a narcissist the first few yrs of our marriage and he and I didnt agree with that doctor. Im all messed up now.

Holly, thank you for this thoughtful comment. You’re absolutely right—“What’s wrong with me?” becomes a default question when no one names the survival patterns for what they are. And yes, fawning is so often mislabeled as codependency, when it’s really a trauma-rooted adaptation, not what so many consider a personality flaw. I’m glad this resonated both personally and professionally. I appreciate you walking alongside others with that insight. More work on this topic is likely forthcoming.

Kenisha, that question—“Who am I, if this wasn’t really me?”—is one of the most painful and courageous ones a survivor can ask. It doesn’t mean your kindness or loyalty were fake. It means those traits may have been shaped in environments where they were required for safety, not freely chosen. That doesn’t erase their value, it just means now you get to explore who you are when fear isn’t steering the wheel.

You’re still in there. The real you isn’t lost, just layered. And asking this question is a sign “the genuine self” is starting to come through.

Great read. I think one of the most painful question for me after reading this is, who I am. If everything I’ve done was rooted in my fawning responses, if being kind, loyal always available to help isn’t my true personality…then who am I?