Wendy, I’m sorry I’m just now seeing your comment. For some reason, I don’t receive notifications when readers leave comments.

What really caught my attention was your statement about your “head yelling NO” while your “mouth says yes.” That is something I heard repeatedly throughout my years working with trauma survivors.

After 44 years in nursing, I’m sure caring for others has become a large part of how you see yourself. But there’s a difference between caring for people because you genuinely want to and feeling that you have no choice but to accommodate them. You can be a compassionate person and still have difficulty setting boundaries. Many people struggle with this internal tug-of-war.

As for being separated from your mother at age 3, I wouldn’t automatically connect that experience to your behavior today. Children react differently to separation, and not crying doesn’t necessarily tell us what a child was feeling. There simply isn’t enough information to know what that experience meant to you at the time, much less whether it contributed to your behavior later in life.

I can relate to what you’re saying about not knowing what you enjoy outside of work, although for somewhat different reasons. I’m 62, a Type A personality, and although saying no has never been particularly difficult for me, I work constantly. I genuinely love what I do, but it’s still work! And I have to remind myself that it’s perfectly okay to do something simply because I enjoy it, not because I’m accomplishing something.

I’ve asked myself what I’d do with an entire afternoon that belonged only to me, with no work, no obligations, and nobody needing anything. And you know what? My mind goes completely blank! I honestly don’t know what I’d do.

So perhaps we both have some exploring to do. You mentioned having no hobbies or interests. Maybe that’s a good place to start. Not by trying to figure out who you are all at once, but by trying things you’ve never made time for. No expectations, no need to be good at them, and no particular reason for doing them other than wanting to.

I suspect if we did this, we might discover interests we never knew we had. We might also discover that some of the things we’ve always done weren’t necessarily things we enjoyed, but things we simply became accustomed to doing. I think we both could benefit from making time for things that have nothing to do with work, obligations, or what anyone else needs from us. And I say that knowing full well that I need to take my own advice!

There’s something else I’d encourage you to pay attention to. Those moments when your mind says no, but your mouth says yes. You don’t have to change everything overnight, but start asking yourself why saying yes feels necessary. Are you agreeing because you genuinely want to, or because you’re worried about disappointing someone? Even recognizing that difference can help you begin making decisions based on what YOU want.

You’ve spent a lifetime caring for people. There’s no reason you can’t continue doing that while also discovering what matters to you.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I suspect quite a few readers will recognize themselves in what you’ve written.

Thank you for reading and sharing that. Sometimes simply recognizing a behavior as a survival response, rather than a personality trait, can change how we understand ourselves. The important part is learning when we’re being genuinely kind and when we’re accommodating others out of fear, discomfort, or the need to maintain peace. I’m glad the article helped you make that connection because awareness is a powerful first step.