Angela, what you’ve described is actually very common among survivors who spent years adapting to survive family dynamics. When a child learns that acceptance depends on meeting other people’s expectations, the “performance” can become so automatic that it feels like a personality rather than a survival strategy.

One of the difficult parts of recovery is discovering that healing is not only about understanding what happened, but also about gradually learning who you are when you no longer have to earn safety through perfection, compliance, or people-pleasing. That process can feel uncomfortable and uncertain, but it is also where authentic identity begins to emerge.

Thank you for sharing your experience and for reading the article.

After a malignant narcissistic father and a covert mother I thought I was the problem. It turns out I was the scapegoat. But having being diagnosed cptsd and having had nearly 3 years therapy I keep finding myself with the wrong friends for me. I think aha I’ve got it only ti find I haven’t and just found out the fawn loop is at bottom of this!
I feel like I don’t know who I really am? It affects all my social interactions because there I had to “perform” and be the perfect daughter. I have been told I’m wearing a mask but how to find the real me I don’t know, I only know how to perform, it’s pure theatre 🎭. Thank you for shedding light on this difficult problem as it does feel likes it’s my personality!

Laura, thank you for saying this so plainly. What you described is not weakness, and it is not you “failing” to stop something you can already see. For a lot of trauma survivors, fawning is not a conscious choice in the moment. It is an old survival reflex that can take over before your mind even has time to catch up. That can feel terrifying, exhausting, and deeply isolating, especially when other people do not understand what is happening.

The fact that you can name it already matters more than it may feel like right now. That kind of clarity usually comes before change, even when the cycle still feels brutal and discouraging. And you are right that finding a therapist who actually understands CPTSD and fawning can make a real difference. You are not the only one living with this, even though it often feels that way. I am very glad you spoke up here, and I am wishing you steady, informed support as you keep going.