Kathy, thank you for taking the time to write such a full and honest response. I am sorry I am only seeing this now. For some reason, I have not been receiving comment notifications, so I missed it when you first posted. What you described is exactly the kind of hidden survival history this article was meant to name. Being praised as mature while carrying anxiety, shame, grief, loneliness, suicidal thoughts, and responsibility far beyond your age is one of the cruelest parts of parentification. The outside world sees the capable child. It often misses the frightened child underneath who had no safe place to fall apart. I am especially struck by how long you kept trying to help, serve, protect, volunteer, care for others, and stay useful while your own pain went unseen. That is a nervous system that learned very early how much safety, belonging, and worth were tied to responsibility. I am very glad you eventually found people who listened without judgment, and later a professional who believed you and helped you rebuild slowly instead of pushing you to perform recovery. That kind of steady support is important. What you wrote near the end is extra-powerful: that you are genuine, that you matter, that there is love, that you are loved, and that you are meant to be treated with respect. After everything you described, that is not a small realization. That is hard-earned truth.

Then, 8 years later, after leaving the abusive counsellor, I returned to a 12 step group. I was completely broken at this point…with zero idea of what to do. I had exhausted all the options I knew. I had several women talk to me after meetings…I felt like they listened without judgement or advice.

One woman took me 4 months later to an inpatient program with an excellent doctor. I heard people talk about what happened to them. I saw how they felt…or did not feel anything. I identified with the deepest feelings of aloneness in pain, the desire to disappear or die, the inability to trust or believe in anything.

From this treatment, I went on to another inpatient program for PTSD. I began meeting with a new professional for counselling. After 19 yrs. he retired. He listened to me and gently offered support or guidance to take care of myself, to find, know and set my boundaries,to reduce my sense of responsibility in my relationships; he believed me when I told him how the counsellor abused and conned me for 7 years. Very, very slowly I became more connected to myself…my panicked state very slowly and graduallly lessened. I began to go out…to exercise, to have a tea or coffee, to go to a concert or dance performance, to go to an art gallery or a street festival.

I became engaged with the spirit of a community festival….and joined in as a volunteer for 10 years. I loved the festival…it touched my soul. I went from there to a community resource centre where I volunteered for 10 years. I learned about the 150+ non profits and charitable organizations in my community. I became trained to help others in the community. This was a very enjoyable and rewarding place to be. The staff and volunteers were cooperative, not competitive. There was an atmosphere of trust and common purpose…for community well being.

Then COVID happened. Being in isolation really challenged my CPTSD. I hung on with the help of my partner, my cat, my counselling doctor, music, community music on YouTube from around the world. It was a long stretch of being alone…I slept through most days, unable to sleep at night.
I endured my chronic pain conditions without my daily distractions of going out to volunteer, meet for coffee or supper with a friend or my partner.

I experimented with new strategies re: CPTSD…In the past year, with the support of a new 12 step group I discovered online, I am feeling less alone. I have a community online. I am focussing on self care, body care, kindness and compassion towards myself…in my thoughts and in my actions.
I recognize after all these years…that I am a genuine person, that I do matter, that there is love, that I am loved, that life never stays the same and accepting this lessens my panic when things change. I stick to the basics of self care each day.
I know that I am meant to be here and to be treated with respect.