Amanda Ann Gregory | CPTSDfoundation.org

Why “Forgive and Forget” is Bad Advice for Trauma Survivors

Amanda Ann Gregory — Mon, 21 Apr 2025 14:18:34 +0000

The phrase “forgive and forget” is a common slogan and recommendation. But does it make sense for trauma survivors?

While researching for my book, You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms, I discovered that many trauma survivors, including myself, have been encouraged to forgive their offenders and to forget their offenses. This advice can be well-intended, as its advocates might want us to feel better and to heal. Yet, “forgive and forget” in trauma recovery can be highly problematic and counterproductive.

Here are five reasons why “forgive and forget” is terrible advice for trauma survivors:

1. Forgetting is Not Forgiving

Genuine forgiveness requires memory, not its absence. If you have no memory of the offense, there is nothing for you to forgive. For instance, if a friend calls you a slanderous name and you don’t recall the experience by the next day, you haven’t forgiven them; you’ve forgotten the offense. If you forget an offense, you are not forgiving—you’re simply forgetting.

Forgiveness doesn’t cause amnesia. When you genuinely forgive your offender, you will still remember their offense. You may never forget it – and that’s a good thing.

2. Forgiveness Embraces Memory

Forgiveness is a change in disposition, including thoughts, emotions, and actions, associated with your offender. For example, you initially feel angry and disappointed in your friend who called you that slanderous name. You wish that someone would call them a similar name so that they feel how you feel. When you forgive them, you notice a decrease in your anger and disappointment and an increase in feelings of calm and empathy. Instead of wanting revenge, you help them to understand the harm they caused. These changes may indicate that you have forgiven them. Yet, you might still remember the offense.

Forgetting can be a byproduct of forgiveness, but not always. When you forgive, you may forget about the offense—or you may not. Forgiveness gives you the right to retain your memory, not erase it. You do not need to choose between your memory and forgiveness; you can have both.

3. Memory Supports Safety

Trauma survivors need to feel safe in their relationships. Remembering offenses that have occurred in relationships promotes our safety. For instance, imagine that after you forgive your friend who called you a name, they call you another hurtful name weeks later. Your memory of the past offense helps you recognize a harmful pattern. This awareness is crucial for addressing ongoing relational harm and promoting safety. Your memory enables you to identify and respond to recurring problems and decide whether to set new boundaries or even end an unhealthy relationship.

Memory places a spotlight on our unsafe relationships. Sometimes, people want us to forgive, thinking that we will forget, as a way to turn off our spotlight. Yet, our spotlights need to remain on to promote our safety.

4. Forgetting is an Unrealistic Expectation

The saying “forgive and forget” implies that forgiveness wipes the slate clean, allowing a relationship to start over as if nothing happened. However, this expectation is unrealistic as relationships don’t come with reset buttons. Instead, they are dynamic, constantly evolving in response to experiences. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past; rather, it marks the beginning of a new phase, one shaped by what has occurred. A relationship cannot return to its original state, nor can it truly start over.

While forgiveness can help repair the harm caused by an offense, the relationship will inevitably change. For example, if you forgive a friend for calling you a slanderous name, you may need to set new boundaries, such as making it clear that such behavior is unacceptable. These adjustments acknowledge the new reality of the relationship, fostering trust and safety not by erasing the past but by adapting to it.

5. You Don’t “Need” to Forgive

Forgiveness can be problematic when incorporated into trauma recovery. Some believe that trauma survivors must forgive those who caused or contributed to their trauma to recover. Yet, there is no statistical evidence that suggests that this is true. I’ve observed many trauma survivors who never forgive their abusers, and yet they experience successful trauma recovery. Therefore, forgiveness should not be regarded as a compulsory component of any trauma-recovery process, and telling a survivor that they must “forgive and forget” makes little sense.

Forgive or Don’t, but Don’t Forget

The advice “forgive and forget” is both unrealistic and potentially harmful for trauma survivors. This counsel can sabotage our ability to create and maintain safe, healthy relationships and hinder trauma recovery. A more practical perspective is “forgive or don’t, but don’t forget,” recognizing that forgiveness isn’t always necessary or appropriate and that remembering past experiences is essential for setting boundaries, protecting oneself, and navigating relationships.

Photo by Christopher Stites on Unsplash

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Amanda Ann Gregory

Amanda Ann Gregory is a trauma psychotherapist renowned for her work in complex trauma recovery, notably as the author of You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms. With a keen focus on the specific needs of trauma survivors, Gregory’s expertise spans over 17 years in clinical practice. Gregory holds clinical licenses in Illinois, Missouri, and Texas, alongside EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and National Counseling certifications. She has been featured in The New York Times, National Geographic, and Newsweek and published in Psychology Today, Psychotherapy Networker, and Chicken Soup for the Soul. She practices in Chicago, Illinois, and lives in the city with her partner and their sassy black cat, Mr. Bojangles. Visit her website.

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Five Recommended Reads on Complex Trauma

Amanda Ann Gregory — Wed, 26 Mar 2025 09:07:48 +0000

Certain books have become required reading for every trauma-informed mental health clinician and survivor of complex trauma. Dr. Judith Herman’s Trauma and Recovery, Dr. Nadine Burke Harris’ The Deepest Well, Dr. Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz’s The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, and Dr. Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score are a few of these staples. Yet, what about the more recent books about complex trauma? Which are worth reading?

As a trauma psychotherapist and author of You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms, here are my top 5 recently released complex trauma book recommendations.

1. Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma by Mariel Buqué, Ph.D.

Break the Cycle is a must-read for mental health clinicians and trauma survivors who are seeking to understand and heal intergenerational trauma. As a trauma psychotherapist, I’ve seen how trauma is passed down from our ancestors, shaping our identity, self-worth, and relationships. Dr. Buqué provides readers with concrete tools to recognize patterns, process pain, and change the narrative for future generations.

I recommend this book to trauma survivors because it’s highly accessible. Dr. Buqué breaks down complex psychological and neurological concepts into understandable material. She weaves together science, real-life stories, and practical exercises to make healing feel possible, not just theoretical. Break the Cycle is also empowering. Instead of solely focusing on the damage trauma causes, Dr. Buqué emphasizes the possibility of transformation. It’s not about blaming past generations; it’s about understanding and reclaiming our recovery and future.

2. An Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey by Peter A. Levine, Ph.D.

I’ve long respected Dr. Levine’s work in developing Somatic Experiencing, and this book offers a glimpse into how his life experiences shaped his understanding of trauma recovery. An Autobiography of Trauma blends personal narrative with decades of research, showing how trauma isn’t just a psychological experience but also something that lives and thrives in our bodies. Levine focuses on the body’s innate ability to heal from trauma by showing us how to use body-based approaches.

What makes An Autobiography of Trauma unique is Levin’s humility and relatability. Often, psychologists have avoided sharing their trauma stories. Now, as the field of psychology has changed for the better, more clinicians are disclosing that they, too, are trauma survivors who had to navigate trauma recovery. Levin’s engaging and vulnerable approach will speak to clinicians and survivors who need to connect with an expert who isn’t just knowledgeable but also human.

3. Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect: Move Beyond Insecure Attachment to Build Safety, Connection, and Trust with Yourself and Others by Kaytlyn Gillis, LCSW

Psychotherapist Kaytlyn Gillis shines a light on an overlooked group of complex trauma survivors—those of us who have experienced parental abandonment and neglect. This is the book that I wished was published when I began my trauma recovery. Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect explores how early attachment wounds shape our adult relationships, create and fuel shame, and leave us feeling isolated. Gillis shares interventions tailored to our experiences, from embracing a chosen family to breaking free from shame’s grip.

Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect is my top recommendation for survivors of parental abandonment and neglect because it’s accessible, gentle, and compassionate. Gillis understands the isolation, self-doubt, and relational struggles that come with childhood neglect and abandonment, and she offers readers not just knowledge but validation and acceptance, reminding us that we are not alone and that healing is possible.

4. The Power of Parting: Finding Peace and Freedom Through Family Estrangement by Eamon Dolan

The Power of Parting explores one of the most challenging but necessary decisions some complex trauma survivors must make—walking away from unhealthy family relationships. As a trauma psychotherapist, I often work with clients who struggle with the guilt, grief, and societal stigma surrounding family estrangement. Dolan provides both personal stories and psychological insights that help us understand why estrangement can be an act of self-preservation rather than selfishness.

Most books on this topic are written for those who are casualties of estrangement, with little consideration for those who have chosen estrangement to protect themselves from harmful family dynamics. Dolan acknowledges the complexity of estrangement, and instead of telling us what to do, he encourages us to reflect on our boundaries, needs, and well-being. The Power of Parting provides a framework for making peace with our decisions, navigating the emotional fallout, and supporting our recovery.

5. The Handbook of Trauma-Transformative Practice by Joe Tucci, Janise Mitchell, Stephen W. Porges, Ph.D., Edward C. Tronick, Ph.D.

The Handbook of Trauma-Transformative Practice is an essential resource for clinicians seeking a deeper, more integrative approach to trauma treatment. As a trauma psychotherapist, I appreciate how this book brings together leading experts—including Stephen Porges and Edward Tronick—to bridge research with practical, real-world applications. The authors explore trauma through a multidisciplinary lens, incorporating neuroscience, attachment theory, and somatic practices to help clinicians move beyond symptom management.

I recommend this book to clinicians seeking theoretical knowledge and tangible strategies for treating trauma survivors. When it comes to trauma treatment, we’ve learned that cognitive-behavioral approaches are not always successful. The Handbook of Trauma-Transformative Practice places an emphasis on polyvagal theory, nervous system regulation, and co-regulation, which makes it particularly useful for clinicians looking to incorporate more body-based and relational techniques into their work.

Bonus!

You Don’t Need to Forgive: Trauma Recovery on Your Own Terms by Amanda Ann Gregory

I wrote this book for trauma survivors who are asking if they need to forgive their abusers to progress in recovery, clinicians who have similar questions, and those who force, pressure, or encourage trauma survivors to forgive. You Don’t Need to Forgive is an invaluable resource for trauma survivors and their clinicians who feel alienated and even gaslighted by the toxic positivity and moralism that often characterizes attitudes about forgiveness in psychology and self-help.

Bringing together research and testimony from psychologists, psychotherapists, criminologists, philosophers, religious leaders, and trauma survivors, I explore the benefits of elective forgiveness and the dangers of required forgiveness upon trauma survivors. Do you need to forgive? No. You might want to forgive, and forgiveness might benefit your recovery. Yet, forgiving is not required to recover from trauma.

The landscape of trauma literature is constantly evolving, offering fresh insights and approaches to recovery beyond the classic texts. These five new books—and the bonus recommendation—provide valuable perspectives on intergenerational trauma, somatic healing, attachment wounds, family estrangement, and transformative healing. Whether you are a trauma survivor, clinician, or advocate, expanding your reading list with these works can deepen your understanding and enhance your recovery. I encourage you to explore these books, engage in conversations about their insights, and share your thoughts with others in the trauma recovery community.

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