Jennifer "Kaylene" Carter | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org The Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research Thu, 26 Mar 2020 22:20:51 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://cptsdfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/cropped-Daily-Recovery-Support-Globe-iPad-Fav-32x32.png Jennifer "Kaylene" Carter | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org 32 32 “Fog” and “Taking the Plunge” – Survivor Poetry https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/03/26/fog-and-taking-the-plunge-survivor-poetry/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/03/26/fog-and-taking-the-plunge-survivor-poetry/#comments Thu, 26 Mar 2020 10:00:18 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=229731

Fog

The skies have turned gray,

Rain’s starting to fall.

Once upon a time, my life was clear.

Now a fog’s settled over it all.

Stumbling in the dark,

I catch glimpses of my destination.

But as I step a little closer,
I see it was an illusion.

The rolling mist envelops all my plans,

All my decisions.

I can’t find my future,

even though I make each move with precision.

Where am I to go, what am I to do?

I call out to my friends and passersby,

But they can’t see me either.

They can only listen to my cries.

I inch ahead slowly, afraid and unsure.

I can’t turn back now, my dreams are a lure.

“Keep trying,” they whisper…

“Keep believing in me.”

My doubts scream louder,

“What if it’s not meant to be?”

But deep in my heart, I feel my courage

Getting stronger each day.

Then God takes my hand

And He leads the way.

Taking the Plunge

Do you ever feel like you are standing on the edge of a tall, tall cliff

Leaning out into nothing?

Tottering on the brink, wanting to take the risk?

Wanting to break free, diving in headfirst.

Free falling into oblivion, getting caught in a tailspin,

Sailing on the current like a sailboat on the open sea,

With snow-white billowy sails fluttering.

You catch your breath and throw all caution to the wind.

You feel the gusts carry you far away from where you were before,

Where you’ve ever been, where you ever thought you’d go.

The rush takes over your being, enveloping you in pure adrenaline,

Sending tingles down your spine and chill bumps down your arms.

Is this for real?

Can this euphoria have come about from a single, gutsy jump?

These changes everywhere have taken place because of your ambition.

A dream is now a reality.

The world is now your playground.

Your former insecurities are but a fading shadow on the ground.

Your purpose is clear now.

How would life have turned out, you think,

If you had hesitated a step along the way?

And then, you open up your eyes.

Your shoe loosens a pebble that falls and falls

Down the mountainside and disappears below

As the waves crash against the jagged rocks at the bottom of the cliff.

Then your thoughts turn back to the decision ahead of you

And the ever-burning question…

Should I just take the plunge?

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/03/26/fog-and-taking-the-plunge-survivor-poetry/feed/ 1 Overlooked, Revived, and Climbing. https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/02/27/overlooking/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/02/27/overlooking/#comments Thu, 27 Feb 2020 11:00:53 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=229727

A series of 3 poems, shared by guest writer Kaylene, on her realizations through various stages of healing. 

OVERLOOKED

As I look up at the clouds,

I give a sigh and start to wonder.

Where I’m going, where I’ll stop,

Why I’ve been where I have been.

Are my choices all for nothing?

Has my story already been told

By someone who holds the answers

In the future, down the road?

If so, why won’t that person

Come relieve me of my heavy load?

And ease my troubles and my pain

And tell me how the story goes.

Still, no one comes and no one knows,

So I pretend I see the end.

I go about days like I have

All the time in the world to waste.

Filling the hours with meaningless tasks,

Missing the beauty and wonder around me.

Armed with a watch and calendar

I plan my life away…

While just outside night falls

And the dewdrops glisten on leaves.

And moonbeams cast a faint glow

On the world below.

And the stars cry out for me to

Watch them twinkle and fall.

But I’m too busy searching

For the meaning of it all.

REVIVED

Make your intentions known.

Who’d you come here to see?

If you’re asking for myself,

I’ve been gone for quite awhile.

 

Somewhere obscure, intangible,

Looking for what I lost.

I gambled on all the wrong people

And I’ve had to pay the cost.

 

I’m missing pieces of my heart.

They’re out there somewhere,

They’ve been repossessed by thieves.

 

I was blinded, so I apologize,

My vision’s still a little blurry.

Let me compose myself and

Regain my sense of balance.

 

Then I’ll get around to wondering

What happened to my sense of wonder.

And finally, I’ll attend to the real crisis at hand.

 

I’ll do everything in my power

To revive the passion that’s

Been slowly dying, gasping for air

Since it had no room to breathe.

Crying out for help, but not knowing which direction

To watch where the ray of hope would come from.

 

Tonight, someone came to rescue me,

Someone who carries a torch.

A messenger with a song,

Whose light shines bright and proud for all to see.

 

She reminded me I had a voice.

She understood my pain.

And from her beautiful, fiery spirit

Flew a spark of passion that reignited mine.

CLIMBING

An inner battle rages on.

Who will win today?

Will it be my former self

or the woman I long to be someday?

 

There’s so many on the sidelines making bets,

Throwing their two cents around,

But if I let the crowd distract me,

I’ll just keep losing ground.

 

The mountain is beautiful,

The climb brutal…

A fall could prove fatal to my soul.

The wounds and scars are starting to show,

and it’s obvious this trip is taking its toll.

 

This cocoon is tougher than I thought,

I’m trying so hard to fly,

To burst out and show the world my beauty,

Like a shooting star in the sky…

 

Not so much for selfish reasons,

But for the fact that beauty inspires.

I want to share the passion I’ve found,

and the truths that I’ve acquired.

 

It seems the higher I climb,

the more I find it hard to breathe…

 

And the longer I stay in my fairy-tale world,

the harder it is to leave.

Because magical things have happened to me

Along this yellow brick road.

 

And I’m finally reaping a harvest

From all the seeds of faith I sowed.

 

So I guess this means that God’s been listening all along.

And the trials in my life have just been helping me get strong.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/02/27/overlooking/feed/ 2 To Guide Your Path – A Survivor Poem https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/01/02/to-guide-your-path-a-survivor-poem/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/01/02/to-guide-your-path-a-survivor-poem/#respond Thu, 02 Jan 2020 14:07:32 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=229734 Keep your head up, your spirits high.

Keep learning new ways to fly.

Choose your friends with care,

Lest you stumble and not have them there.

 

Don’t be swayed by the ways of the others you see.

Their opinions won’t matter, eventually.

Look for new adventures, don’t limit your world.

You, too, can move mountains, though you’re just a girl.

 

Keep an eye on your faith, a close guard on your heart,

For you don’t want the cynics to tear them apart.

Stay true to your soul and you’ll never look back.

Keep praying to God, you’ll survive all attacks.

 

Believe in the power of prayer and hope.

And when you get down, you’ll find ways to cope.

Keep a smile on your face and your dream in your heart.

Believe in yourself and reach for the stars.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/01/02/to-guide-your-path-a-survivor-poem/feed/ 0 The Diamond in My Heart- Poem by Jennifer “Kaylene” Carter https://cptsdfoundation.org/2019/12/20/the-diamond-in-my-heart-poem-by-jennifer-kaylene-carter/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2019/12/20/the-diamond-in-my-heart-poem-by-jennifer-kaylene-carter/#respond Fri, 20 Dec 2019 11:00:35 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=3294 The Diamond in My Heart

-Survivor Poem by Jennifer “Kaylene” Carter

 

If I never accomplished another thing,

Would you still love me?

If I couldn’t live up to the image you see,

Would you claim me?

You set for me standards you never could keep,

An innocent lamb to make into your sheep.

I walked the line between passion and obsession,

Then you pushed me over the edge.

You turned your back when it got too deep.

Surprise! Look at the company you keep.

 

But now I realize the truth is so sad.

I’ve fallen right into a cycle.

And now my reality’s yours.

You got just what you wanted,

‘cause now I see the pain that I didn’t mean to cause,

Just living my life for the next applause,

A zombie wandering towards the bright lights…

Striving just to impress and forgetting all the rest.

And I have to live with the regret, just like you.

 

Checkmate…I’m not your pawn anymore.

I just discovered the truth and it’s gonna set me free

From all these lies, all this stress, all these stupid games.

 

God’s got my back, He’s gonna show me the way,

And I hope I can forgive you for this horror one day.

Now I’ve got to take a break

‘cause the world’s too confusing and I can’t relate

And the only alternative is to keep being fake.

 

I got overwhelmed by my fear of falling,

Just a little girl trapped on a ledge,

And I let all those sad people hurt me

Because if I had the guts I’d have done it myself.

Thanks to you, that’s what I thought I deserved.

I didn’t accept it, I embraced it with a smile.

 

And when things got worse, I cowered and thought,

“Guess I’ll put up with this for a while.”

It all seems normal compared to the hell you put me through.

I can’t imagine what functional feels like,

Because for someone to want to love me for real

seemed too good to be true

and I’d dive for dear life behind one of my walls.

 

Now I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do,

take responsibility for my actions,

what have I got to lose? Everything!

But the one thing I will gain is respect.

If not from one more soul, at least for myself.

Because I’ve got to love me before I can love someone else.

What a hard lesson learned.

Got to put my heart back on the shelf for a while.

I don’t want to hurt one more soul.

Need to take a step back until I get control of my life,

These insecurities and all these fears.

Try to sort out the truth behind all these years,

So I can do my very best for the one I love the most…

 

The man I don’t deserve, yet he’ll never let me go,

The one who sees past all the facades and fronts.

No matter how messed up I am, I’m the girl that he wants.

The one who never tried to change me, he just sat back and prayed.

Struggled through every rebellious phase.

Watched the anger, saw the walls, but he stayed the same.

Kept it real and stayed strong, waiting for one sweet day.

Without acknowledgment from me, he held onto his faith in our love.

He’s my angel, my good and perfect gift from above.

 

The pressure came down for years and years.

As I look back at it all, the turmoil, deceit, and tears.

The realest thing I ever had was my love for him.

A diamond, perfect and priceless,

Unearthed from a trampled on heart.

 

—This content was created and written by a guest blog contributor. Views expressed in any guest blog contributor post may not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation.

 

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