This is mainly due to the chaos I have experienced in times of abuse. My mind becomes triggered, and the fight or flight response envelops me in its staticky energy. I feel my stomach at the level of my throat and the anxiety I feel sends shivers up my spine. In times like these, it is easy for me to go back to an early time. A time when I was less resilient than I am today, a time when gaslighting was commonplace and common sense was nowhere to be found. The scariest part of this feeling is the sense of aloneness.

I ask myself the same questions that everyone else does: “Do other people see what is happening?” “Is this moment real?” “What can I do next?” My mind races, my thoughts collide, and my energy fades.

Perhaps you know this feeling? Perhaps you are with me, and I am not as alone as I thought?

When triggered, it is a time to ask better questions. “How can I nurture myself so that my body can rest?”, “How can I relax my mind, so that it can think clearly?”, “What resources do I have to support myself?”

Disconnecting does not mean giving up. It means tuning in. Inside each of us exists a source of awareness. Yes, what you are seeing is real. But it is also real that right now, in this moment, you are safe.

This moment is all we have, and the only thing that is certain is right here inside of you.

What occurs inside you is as real as what occurs outside of you. You are the living experience of this moment. Protect your perception by seeing it all. See your fear, your anger, your apprehensions, but also see your resilience, your growth, and your truth with loving awareness.

Yes. There are gaslighters. Trust yourself to spot them.

Connect with the fear and trust yourself to breathe through it.

Hold the sadness, and care for your sorrows as a mother cares for her child.

You can do hard things and be safe. You can feel difficult feelings and remain whole. You can experience fear and remind yourself of resilience.

Be in this moment, but not of this moment- for the moment will pass and all that remains is what you taught yourself you can endure.

Photo by Sushil Nash on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Kechi Mourer

In addition to serving as a college administrator in higher education, I am also a Psychology and Sociology Professor. Perhaps, most importantly, like many of you, I am a survivor of abuse and relational trauma. I write to raise awareness about how we can align with the best parts of ourselves. My writing focuses on the social and psychological factors that guide our decision making.

medium.com/@kechimourer

I am slowly coming to realize that what I cherished never was

I am slowly coming to realize that what I cherished never was. Upon coming to realize this, I experienced another round of pain and aches. Once again, quite by accident, I fell into another triangulation, and this time, I felt more sadness than longing. This is progress for me. So often, I land in a place of longing and angst before I can allow myself to feel sadness. Today, I process faster; I hide from my own feelings a lot less. I dissociate less often, and I am able to stand in the sadness and pain silently and hold myself.

Progress, I tell myself. I am learning.

One could say I was triggered, and while that is true, I prefer to think of my triggers as lessons and messages from my heart.

What are you saying, dear heart? What have you taught me about who I am and who I want to be?

Sometimes, leaving behind those who hurt us happens instantly, such as in the case of a violent abuser. Other times, letting go is slower, over time, through various efforts and attempts to distance.

It helps to know that we cannot lose what we never had. Knowing this liberates us to feel pain, mourn, and then create what can be.

We are free to create the family we always wanted through friendships built on authenticity and love, but this can only happen if we are open enough to let others in. So, this holiday season, try something new. Open yourself to the possibilities of a new way to embrace the holidays.

Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Kechi Mourer

In addition to serving as a college administrator in higher education, I am also a Psychology and Sociology Professor. Perhaps, most importantly, like many of you, I am a survivor of abuse and relational trauma. I write to raise awareness about how we can align with the best parts of ourselves. My writing focuses on the social and psychological factors that guide our decision making.

medium.com/@kechimourer

I rewrote my relationship with my own mind

My husband and I were well past the honeymoon stage that abusers benefit from so much. We had moved into a major gaslighting stage, and he had grown violent. Like my father, he told me that his violent behavior was my fault. The story was so familiar to me that I did not question it. I only hated myself for not being able to stop him from being so upset. I was angry at myself for not being able to keep him happy.

Over the course of almost a year, with my therapist, dietitian, and trainer, I rewrote my life. I rewrote my relationship with food, my relationship with my body, and most importantly, I rewrote my relationship with my own mind. I was learning to trust myself for the first time. I had not yet realized the degree to which I was shifting my life through these very important choices, and I must admit that I do believe the universe was on my side.

My psychologist was instrumental during this journey, as I learned to take better care of myself, she mirrored back to me who I was, and in doing so she was able to help me see myself with new eyes. I was a strong, powerful, resilient woman. I began to feel better; I was less anxious and more in control. I trusted myself to believe the truths in my own mind over the false claims of my husband. I understood that I was not crazy. I was the victim of gaslighting.

As my husband lost control of the false narrative that used to control me, he turned more and more violent. I felt overwhelmed in some ways and in control in others. It was a confusing time filled with false accusations, violence, and fear.

I saw the psychologist for nine months before I asked the most important question I could ever have asked. I asked her, “Am I being abused?”. She leaned forward, her eyes intent upon mine, and said, gently and lovingly, “Yes. I think you are. What do you think?” It is a moment I will never forget. It was a moment of total truth. I was bare, vulnerable, and terrified as I responded in a choked-up voice, “Yes. I think so too.”

The day I validated myself and spoke the truth was one of the most important days of my life. Today, I am in love with my life. I am free in a way that I never dreamed possible. The journey is not easy, but it is worth it.

Image by Freddy from Pixabay

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Kechi Mourer

In addition to serving as a college administrator in higher education, I am also a Psychology and Sociology Professor. Perhaps, most importantly, like many of you, I am a survivor of abuse and relational trauma. I write to raise awareness about how we can align with the best parts of ourselves. My writing focuses on the social and psychological factors that guide our decision making.

medium.com/@kechimourer

Pride and shame represent our disowned parts. They reflect fragmented elements within us where we struggle to see ourselves truthfully. Rather than acceptance for who we are, broken or magnificent, we are met with internal resistance that disavows our true nature.

At the core of both Pride and Shame is the idea that we are not enough. We live in an environment where confidence is valued over humility. As a society, we embrace pride as evidence of a strong self-image and view shame as evidence of weakness. At the core of these dualities is judgment, and at the core of that judgment is the balance of our souls.

Sadly, as we seek our true identity, we look for others who mirror the false information we tell ourselves. When shame is a predominant emotion, we frequently find ourselves in relationships where judgment reigns over truth. Interestingly, the same can be said for pride. This is most notable in instances of narcissistic pride but exists in all manifestations of this trait.

Though we acknowledge that shame can have negative impacts, we in American society often fail to recognize the damage caused by pride. We can see that an overly proud person is surrounded by those who worship the ground they walk upon. Yet individuals fail to see that the degree to which this pride is embraced can be measured in direct proportion to that person’s degree of brokenness, just as the degree to which we embrace shame mirrors our own fragmentation.

The truth lies in the Buddhists’ teachings in the Middle Way.

Walking the middle way, we lean into our feelings of inadequacy and observe ourselves through the lens of kind-heartedness.

Nurturing our fragmented parts with compassion and understanding allows us to hold our broken places alongside our strengths and see the beauty of who we are.

In this interconnected state, duality melts away, and integration becomes the only path to joy. This is when the true self is allowed to emerge.

At the height of my abusive marriage, I recall swings of grandiosity accompanied by extreme feelings of shame. I allowed feelings of pride to overrun feelings of shame on a regular basis. I recall going to work and feeling like a superstar, only to return to my abusive domestic situation and feel like a failure. The highs and lows seemed a normal part of life and seemed inevitable. I often pressure myself to “be better” and “accomplish more.” I would tune into podcasts that encouraged an ego-driven identity and would practice affirmations as if they were life rafts in the rapidly moving river of despair that I falsely embraced as a “normal life.”

Each of us manifests our deepest tragedies and our greatest joys

Only when I was able to see myself as both broken and resilient, only when I could look at my false belief systems and rewrite the deepest levels of my own thinking, was I able to see myself as a whole.

We are not damaged; rather, we are evolving. We are not broken; we are differently built. Each of us manifests our deepest tragedies and our greatest joys.

If held with loving compassion, our broken places can transform our lives in the most beautiful of ways. When we align with truth, we can see the essence of who we are without judgment, liberate ourselves, and become who we are meant to be.

This liberation is not a gift to keep hidden, rather it is a gift to be shared. This becomes most evident for parents, who frequently see themselves reflected in their children’s actions. There is an arrogance here that must be corrected if one is to align with the Spirit. I have learned never to use the words pride and shame or any of their derivatives with my children.

When we experience pride and shame related to another person’s actions, we overidentify with outcomes and fail to see the person as a whole being. This only contributes to the disintegration of their Spirit.

For example, when we say, “I am proud of my child for perfect grades,” we are over-identifying with another person’s accomplishments. We must then ask ourselves why the achievement generates such intense feelings within us.

Likewise, in cases where we are ashamed of the actions of another, we must ask ourselves why we are over-identifying with the negative outcomes of another person.

This overidentification is often because we have established an inflexible identity tied to expectations and outcomes. In this state, we are not liberating our children, rather we are confining them into a fixed identity.

They then will embrace Shame and Pride and continue the vicious pattern of losing their true essence.

Respect for the journey of another is integral to living a full existence. If we can abandon judgment and embrace the experiences of another with humility, compassion, and understanding, we can strengthen our relationships with one another, and abundant love will emerge.

If rather than seeking to arrogantly perfect one another, we can instead be present with one another on the journey, we can live in harmony. In the absence of judgment, we are free.

This is how we strengthen relationships with everyone, ourselves, our children, our spouses, coworkers, friends, and communities. The ripple effects of embracing our true nature cannot be understated.

Our vulnerability makes us stronger, makes us more authentic, and deepens our affinity with the interconnectedness of all things.

This is the path to liberation.

Kechi Mourer

In addition to serving as a college administrator in higher education, I am also a Psychology and Sociology Professor. Perhaps, most importantly, like many of you, I am a survivor of abuse and relational trauma. I write to raise awareness about how we can align with the best parts of ourselves. My writing focuses on the social and psychological factors that guide our decision making.

medium.com/@kechimourer