I had to step back recently from things that weren’t serving me anymore. Disappointing other people was so hard that I immediately wanted to backpedal on my choice. For many of us with childhood trauma, making changes that serve us and not other people feels very unsafe. We’re conditioned to make choices to avoid angering or displeasing other people. Making choices that put us first is antithetical to who we are as childhood trauma survivors.

What if people get mad at us? What if they experience discomfort, inconvenience, or disappointment because of our choices? If I am not suffering at 100%, how can I justify disappointing someone else? What if they interrogate us, refuse to accept our reasons for our choices, or try to bully or manipulate us out of our choices?

Guilt For Choosing Ourselves

The origin of our guilt and tendency to people-please is believing we aren’t allowed to choose things for our own benefit.

When my mom was dying, and even afterward, I sometimes didn’t want to do my homework. It wasn’t as if I were crying so hysterically that I couldn’t hold my pen. I just didn’t want to do my work. I was angry, and geometry was BS. I felt like only if I were immobilized by tears was I allowed to give myself a break and even then I felt enormous guilt and embarrassment, as if I were using my trauma as a crutch when really I was just lazy. Her death was weeks ago, I’d think. What is my problem?

I did the same thing in this current situation. Self-gaslighting. “You are not that depressed. You could try harder to make this work.” But the fact was my emotional health was declining precipitously. I was going to bed early and struggling to get up in the morning. I was physically and emotionally exhausted all the time. Even though I was really good at masking, I felt sad and alone inside. I neglected essential self-care in favor of more sleep, screen time, and food. It was a bit like being a functioning alcoholic. I wasn’t lying in bed all day depressed, but I was depressed. A functioning depressive.

The only answer I could come up with when I asked myself why I should make these situations work is I didn’t want people to be disappointed. I knew that wasn’t a good enough reason.

Becoming your real adult self often means being brave enough to choose yourself. It doesn’t matter if the situation isn’t terrible or traumatic. You’re still allowed to leave because it’s not serving you anymore.

Grounding in Your Adult Self

In this case, I was pretty sure that no one would lash out at me, though the fear still came up momentarily. To ground myself in my real adult self, I asked myself a few questions:

1. Was I causing real harm to others with my choice?
2. Would my emotional state decline if I continued in the situation?
3. Are other adults adaptive, even to things they don’t choose or prefer?
4. Was I as kind and transparent as I could be in my stepping-back?
5. Is this situation aligned with my path in life?

The answers to these questions gave me clarity. While I wished I could give other people what they wanted and give myself what I needed, I couldn’t do both. Sometimes, you will hurt people, but it’s still necessary to leave situations. This is incredibly painful, so extra care should be taken.

Final Note: Don’t expect the others in the situation to take care of you emotionally, as you’re disappointing them. They’re entitled to their feelings.

Photo by Clint McKoy on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Leah Erickson

Leah Erickson is a certified Martha Beck Wayfinder Life Coach.  Through her coaching practice, Becoming Real Life Coaching, Leah helps childhood trauma survivors release shame, get unstuck, and successfully “adult.”  She believes it’s never too late to become real and begin to thrive. You can find her on Instagram @becoming_real_coaching or on her website becomingrealcoaching.com which features more of her writing and tools to become your real adult self.

I used to act a part on dates. The part of “Real Adult Who Dates, Is Fabulous, and Definitely Has No Trauma.” I still felt like a wounded child inside, but I was sure that I could hide my childhood trauma if I had the sexiest nail polish color or applied my makeup perfectly. If my outfit showed off an appealing figure or my earrings were stunning, Guy Who Asked Me Out for a Cup of Coffee wouldn’t notice that I was messy inside.

I was terrified of what would happen once I told Coffee Guy about my past. Connecting on any serious emotional level was unsafe. I would not let a guy in only for him to conclude that of course I was too much once he saw how big my wounds were.

Signs Your Childhood Trauma Shows Up in Your Dating Life

You may jump right to physical intimacy to please the other person, freak out in shame, and ghost. You may hide parts of yourself or dump all your baggage on the date at once, looking for assurance he’ll accept you. You may avoid physical intimacy or feel unsure if you want that. Is it safe to hold his hand or let him kiss you?

You may need constant reassurance he likes you, even if he has communicated he does. You may feel an urge to cling or to run away at the first sign of trouble.

Maybe you have to drink or get high to be relaxed enough to hook up. It’s okay if you’re a person who won’t refuse anyone who shows interest in you, even if you don’t really like him.

Not getting the proper attunement and attachment in childhood will screw up the way you approach romantic relationships. You may feel ashamed, like you’re different from your peers. You are different because their childhoods weren’t filled with trauma. It doesn’t mean, though, that you too can’t be a real adult in an adult romantic relationship.

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries!

Here’s how I started to be a real adult in romantic relationships: I started making small decisions that felt safe but stretched my window of tolerance.

I figured out what my boundaries were regarding:
-physical intimacy
-paying for meals, other activities on dates
-sharing my story
-opening up about my dreams for the future and my current life

*A note about physical intimacy: you can change your mind AT ANY TIME. It does not matter how long the relationship has been going on or if you’ve agreed to and enjoyed something before.

Talking About Your Trauma with Your Romantic Interest

Sharing your story of trauma can be the most fraught part of dating. Figure out what your boundary is around sharing your story. As you get to know a romantic interest, you get to determine the pace at which you share more. It does not have to be something you control and plan; the point is to think about your boundaries so that you don’t trigger yourself or emotionally dump on him. You can share pieces at a time; whatever amount feels safe for you. A partner who respects you will not press you for information. It can be scary to eventually reveal everything because you may be afraid of him running away. In actuality, sharing in increments can prevent this. At the same time that you’re learning other things about each other, sharing other experiences, you can share about your past. Mixed in with other things, it’s often not as overwhelming for the person receiving it as it would be if you shared it all at once. They can see a full human in front of them who laughs and gets curious and cares instead of one big trauma.

Do not conflate sharing your trauma with emotional intimacy, though. Just because someone is empathetic and listens to you does not mean you’ve created an emotional connection. Real emotional intimacy happens in the moments you have together.

Go as slowly as you need. Something vague to start, such as, “I have some past challenges I’m working on that make me have a harder time than others with getting close.” It’s brave and even vulnerable to share that getting close is a challenge.

The point of sharing your story should also not be for the other person to heal your wound through their love. Even if they want to, they can’t. Their love will never be enough.

Final Thoughts

You don’t have to meet the right person tomorrow and share your life story at the perfect pace. There is no perfect. You are learning a new skill– connecting authentically and romantically with someone. This takes time. You are brave for venturing out to meet someone!

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Leah Erickson

Leah Erickson is a certified Martha Beck Wayfinder Life Coach.  Through her coaching practice, Becoming Real Life Coaching, Leah helps childhood trauma survivors release shame, get unstuck, and successfully “adult.”  She believes it’s never too late to become real and begin to thrive. You can find her on Instagram @becoming_real_coaching or on her website becomingrealcoaching.com which features more of her writing and tools to become your real adult self.

One of the first things that pops into my head when I hear the word “shame” is Pumbaa from The Lion King lamenting, “Oh the shame! Thought of changin’ my name!”

A lot of us who carry deep shame from childhood trauma have probably also considered changing our names or inventing a new life somewhere else with plucky sidekicks. If no one knew our story, maybe we wouldn’t be so ashamed of who we are or what we did to survive. If only it were as easy as changing your name, running away, or adopting the Hakuna Matata philosophy.

Why is it necessary to confront shame in order to be a real adult?

Shame keeps our world small and lonely. We struggle to engage in the world and with others. You may be existing, but are you really living when shame has such a grip on you? Without examining and releasing your shame, it will be impossible to be a real adult who can emotionally regulate, have self-compassion, stick to your boundaries, and have strong self-worth. Shame will get in the way every time.

Identifying Shame

Many of us bury our shame so deeply we don’t even recognize that’s what it is. The longer you live with shame and develop defenses, the more toxic it becomes and the less conscious you are of how it manifests.

Shame will appear in your head, body, and behavior. It will be the most obvious in your body, and that’s where it will begin. A sensation in the body will activate the thoughts and behavior. Shame is physiological. Our bodies are telling us, “Uh oh. I have done something that threatens my membership in the group. I have to fix it to belong and stay safe.” Long ago, we needed a tribe to survive physically; we still need the community to survive psychologically. Being socially outcast in any form either by community (family, friends, society, etc.) will induce severe shame. Any time we’re reminded of that in a similar but not identical incident, our bodies will remember the original shame and react accordingly.

Here’s what to look for to identify if you’re feeling shame:

Bodily sensations: trouble taking deep breaths, feeling immobilized/frozen, inability to make eye contact

Behavior: blaming, numbing out/distracting self, isolating/withdrawing

Thoughts: self-critical; negative; black and white thinking that gets progressively worse; bringing out the laundry list of every shameful thing you’ve said, done, or experienced

Get Curious About Your Thoughts

Most trauma survivors exist primarily in their heads. Tolerating being in the body is too much initially. If this sounds like you, try getting curious about your thoughts when you experience a small shame episode. When the shame is from something small, it is easier to step back and become an observer of your thoughts. Write down the thoughts that come up. Is there a theme to your thoughts? What else do you notice about the content of your thoughts? The sentence structure or tone? Perhaps each sentence starts with “I.” The tone might be angry or hopeless. Practice this a few times over the course of a week, and see what you notice about your thoughts in response to shame.

That’s all you have to do right now. Notice. Get adept at identifying when you’re experiencing shame and what thoughts come up.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Leah Erickson

Leah Erickson is a certified Martha Beck Wayfinder Life Coach.  Through her coaching practice, Becoming Real Life Coaching, Leah helps childhood trauma survivors release shame, get unstuck, and successfully “adult.”  She believes it’s never too late to become real and begin to thrive. You can find her on Instagram @becoming_real_coaching or on her website becomingrealcoaching.com which features more of her writing and tools to become your real adult self.

Is the Conventional Idea of a Real Adult Accurate?

What does being a real adult mean? Most people would probably say being an adult is being able to take care of yourself: meeting your own needs, doing things independently, and solving problems yourself. Indeed, we expect all of these things from adults. So why do some of us still walk around feeling like we’re not real adults?

Being a real adult is more than the practical of being able to feed, clothe, and shelter yourself or solve problems independently.

A real adult has four characteristics:
1) emotional regulation
2) self-compassion
3) clear boundaries with themselves and others
4) sense of self-worth/feeling good enough

Cultivating these characteristics in yourself takes time and patience. Go slow without the expectation of perfection.

Self-Worth and The Velveteen Rabbit

Self-worth is a belief that you have value just as you are and that you’re worthy of love and belonging.
In the story of The Velveteen Rabbit, he longs to become real. Being filled with stuffing instead of sinew, muscle, and bones made the Velveteen Rabbit feel unworthy of being loved and accepted. He thought he had to exist in a certain way, in a certain form, to matter, to the other toys and especially to the Boy.

In childhood, I got the message that I wasn’t good enough as I was. Even well into adulthood with achievements and independence, I was still a shabby tattered stuffed bunny trying to be as good as a real rabbit.

Having multiple degrees, living independently, and solving most issues on my own did not make me feel like a real adult. I struggled a lot to emotionally regulate, I gave up my boundaries to please others, and I didn’t feel like I mattered. I felt stuck at the age I was when I experienced trauma. It was embarrassing, and I tried my best to hide it.

Childhood trauma robs us of a sense of self-worth

We don’t believe we’re good enough as we are and constantly search externally for what or who will make us feel good enough. Not feeling good enough results in deep shame for our very existence. Childhood trauma survivors will hide their imperfections like their lives depend on it because they think it does. Being loved is conditional on being good enough. Even in adulthood, the trauma in the distant past, our brains, if we’re not conscious of it, still operate like we’re the scared, helpless child, scrambling to be good enough.

How to Begin Building Self-Worth And Feeling Like a Real Adult

How do you start to feel like you’re worth something? To yourself? To anyone else? Building a sense of self-worth sounds daunting! But it doesn’t have to be. First, don’t think of it as a task you need to complete to not hurt anymore or to feel like a real adult. Doing this work is being a real adult.

Start exploring these ideas, perhaps in a journal:

1) What does it mean to me to be a real adult?

2) What are my metrics for being good enough? 

3) What would my life look like if I were good enough? For me? For others?
4) What’s one small way to start making myself feel good enough? Perhaps a smile in the mirror every morning. A letter to your younger self the first time you remember feeling not good enough. Whatever feels doable and safe for you.

Be gentle with yourself. Building self-worth doesn’t happen overnight and is not linear. You are good enough now. As you are. As you were then.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Leah Erickson

Leah Erickson is a certified Martha Beck Wayfinder Life Coach.  Through her coaching practice, Becoming Real Life Coaching, Leah helps childhood trauma survivors release shame, get unstuck, and successfully “adult.”  She believes it’s never too late to become real and begin to thrive. You can find her on Instagram @becoming_real_coaching or on her website becomingrealcoaching.com which features more of her writing and tools to become your real adult self.