Perception is king in a small town. If the family appeared normal in the public eye, all was well, regardless of what happened behind closed doors. It’s how my parents operated. Our well-kept home hid the fact that the first eighteen years of my life were a fear-inducing, tension-filled existence.

The sound of Sunday football games on TV still elicits a sick feeling in my stomach

The home was a place where I pretended not to exist. I couldn’t express any natural childlike tendencies, such as joy or exuberance. I would huddle in front of our big box of a TV just so I could hear it. The TV volume was to be kept low unless my parents were watching football. The sound of Sunday football games on TV still elicits a sick feeling in my stomach.

My father once choked me for leaving blue toothpaste spit in the sink. Punishment consisted of smacks to the head. My head was smacked into the walls many times. My hair conveniently hid any bruises or swelling. If he were drunk, he would choke me. My mother did intervene at those times. I don’t know if he would have been able to stop himself. When women are killed in domestic abuse scenarios, it doesn’t surprise me at all. I think it’s just the inevitable progression of those situations.

Growing up, I stayed out of our house as much as possible

I was outgoing (away from home) and very chatty. Growing up, I stayed out of our house as much as possible. Overnights with friends, sports, and after-school activities filled my days. Once I could drive, I spent every holiday with friends or boyfriends. And my parents never said a word. Never once did they ask for my presence at Christmas or Thanksgiving celebrations.

After all this abuse, I begged my mother to leave him, but she never did. She told me he was the love of her life. The man who threatened and belittled her was the love of her life. She didn’t leave him for hitting us, but when he embarrassed her in front of our neighbors, it was a different story.

The last straw for my mother occurred when she came home after work one day to find my drunk father passed out in the front seat of his car.  I watched it unfold in our front room at the bay window.

His car was parked at an angle midway up the driveway. My dad’s legs hung out of the driver’s side door.  Fast food napkins fluttered across our green, recently trimmed front lawn. A white and red box from the fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken lay near his feet. Birds had been pecking at it before my mother pulled up. Our neighbors to the left and across the street from our house stood in their yards motionless and silent.  I was seventeen.

My mother parked her car and hurried over to him.  I opened the front door and walked down the driveway. She screeched at him to get up as I walked by. He had been out there for hours, but I hadn’t done a thing about it. It would be like telling me to poke a venomous snake. She could deal with him.

She kicked him out of the house after this and filed for divorce. My father took his own life a few years later. Relief was my primary emotion at his passing.

So where did this leave me? It led me to a lifelong journey of figuring out how to love and heal myself to stop the cycle of abuse. Lots of counseling and various therapies have helped me tremendously. I had some bumps along the way, but everyone does.

I am, a well-adjusted adult who can talk about their past without crying. I’m happily married, and I’ve raised three wonderful children. My childhood still makes me angry at times, but I’ve largely forgiven both of my parents. Forgiveness happens one thin layer at a time in my experience. I write about my past so others know there is a way forward, you have to choose it.

Photo by Saskia van Manen on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

LeeAnn Werner

LeeAnn Werner is an author and speaker regarding dysfunctional families. Her books, The Illusion of a Girl and The Illusion of a Boy are young adult thrillers based on her own childhood where she struggled to survive her violent alcoholic father. She hopes her story inspires others to move beyond their dysfunctional families and stop the cycle of abuse. You can check out her webpage and blog at www.illusionofagirl.com.

It has affected all my relationships and has colored my thinking and responses to my environment for my entire life. I’m immensely relieved I don’t remember the actual incidents and I’m so grateful to my brain for sparring me from these injustices. I do know that spiritually I was assisted to survive. Why? Because I had the inner strength to bear what happened to me and the urge to understand why it happened. And I’m compelled to write about it to help myself and others.

I AM Here

I am here, against all odds, a healthy adult who isn’t addicted, a functioning family with a loving husband, great friends, and healthy, happy adult children. I beat the odds, but it takes so much effort on my part to protect and nurture my mental health.

Do the work for yourself because it’s worth it. I’m writing this article which helps expel the demons after these kinds of dreams. I also wrote two psychological thriller books based on my childhood to help myself and others recognize the type of abuse we’ve endured and the behaviors it drives. The books also show how my intent for a better life is the biggest reason why I didn’t fall into the dysfunctional family cycle. I also promised myself I would be financially independent to ensure I could live my life on my terms. If you’re financially dependent on someone it’s hard to live life on your terms.

Don’t let your past or current circumstances defeat you

Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings, write them down, talk them out, and let them go. Live the best possible life for yourself. Don’t let your past or current circumstances defeat you. Your life can change with your mindset.

Figure It Out

I used to have nightmares a lot when I was younger, but they have lessened with therapy and depression medication. I’m on a new medication and I think it may be the cause of the nightmares resurfacing. Or it could be another layer of healing occurring. I’m not sure, but I will figure it out. It’s what I do.

The first thing I did when I woke up from the nightmare was to tell my husband and let him comfort me for a bit. Right after that, I got up and worked out for 30 minutes. Movement helps the mind and the body. It’s a daily practice for me.

Be aware of your mental chatter, which is often negative and defeating

I’ve also learned to redirect my thoughts when they go down a negative path. Be aware of your mental chatter, which is often negative and defeating.

The healing journey doesn’t end. I strive to know and understand myself. I also understand what drove my parents’ behavior. Understanding does help you let it go. My parents had many demons they didn’t heal from, and it shows. My father committed suicide and my mother attempted it. I don’t want to say they did their best; I think that statement gives them more credit than they deserve. My parents did what they could in their own time.

Now we know so much more about what can be done to heal. It may sound like I’m struggling, but I’m spewing the ugliness I feel into words to let it go. I release this ugliness because it doesn’t belong to me. I’m not the cause. Words and actions are powerful.

I also write to educate others who’ve had similar experiences. I have a daily practice of exercise, meditation, and prayer. I constantly redirect my thoughts to live in the now and not focus on my past bad experiences. I work on my mental health like it’s my job. I want you to do the same.

I’m sending you big hugs, love, and intent for your own healing journey.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

LeeAnn Werner

LeeAnn Werner is an author and speaker regarding dysfunctional families. Her books, The Illusion of a Girl and The Illusion of a Boy are young adult thrillers based on her own childhood where she struggled to survive her violent alcoholic father. She hopes her story inspires others to move beyond their dysfunctional families and stop the cycle of abuse. You can check out her webpage and blog at www.illusionofagirl.com.

It has affected all my relationships and has colored my thinking and responses to my environment for my entire life. I’m immensely relieved I don’t remember the actual incidents and I’m so grateful to my brain for sparring me from these injustices. I do know that spiritually I was assisted to survive. Why? Because I had the inner strength to bear what happened to me and the urge to understand why it happened. And I’m compelled to write about it to help myself and others.

I AM Here

I am here, against all odds, a healthy adult who isn’t addicted, who has a functioning family with a loving husband, great friends, and healthy, happy adult children. I beat the odds, but it takes so much effort on my part to protect and nurture my mental health.

Do the work for yourself because it’s worth it. I’m writing this article which helps expel the demons after these kinds of dreams. I also wrote two psychological thriller books based on my childhood to help myself and others recognize the type of abuse we’ve endured and the behaviors it drives. The books also show how my intent for a better life is the biggest reason why I didn’t fall into the dysfunctional family cycle. I also promised myself I would be financially independent to ensure I could live my life on my own terms. If you’re financially dependent on someone it’s hard to live life on your own terms.

Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings, write them down, talk them out, and let them go. Live the best possible life for yourself. Don’t let your past or current circumstances defeat you. Your life can change with your mindset.

Figure It Out

I used to have nightmares a lot when I was younger, but they have lessened with therapy and depression medication. I’m on a new medication and I think it may be the cause of the nightmares resurfacing. Or it could be another layer of healing is occurring. I’m not sure, but I will figure it out. It’s what I do.

The first thing I did when I woke up from the nightmare was to tell my husband and let him comfort me for a bit. Right after that, I got up and worked out for 30 minutes. Movement really helps the mind and the body. It’s a daily practice for me.

I’ve also learned to redirect my thoughts when they go down a negative path. Be aware of your mental chatter, all too often it is negative and defeating.

The healing journey doesn’t end. I strive to know and understand myself. I also understand what drove my parents’ behavior. Understanding does help you let it go. My parents had many demons they didn’t heal from, and it shows. My father committed suicide and my mother attempted it. I don’t want to say they did their best; I think that statement gives them more credit than they deserve. My parents did what they could in their own time.

Now we know so much more about what can be done to heal. It may sound like I’m really struggling, but I’m spewing the ugliness I feel into words to let it go. I release this ugliness because it doesn’t belong to me. I’m not the cause. Words and actions are powerful.

I also write to educate others who’ve had similar experiences. I have a daily practice of exercise, meditation, and prayer. I constantly redirect my thoughts to live in the now and not focus on my past bad experiences. I work on my mental health like it’s my job. I want you to do the same.

I’m sending you big hugs, love, and intent for your own healing journey.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

LeeAnn Werner

LeeAnn Werner is an author and speaker regarding dysfunctional families. Her books, The Illusion of a Girl and The Illusion of a Boy are young adult thrillers based on her own childhood where she struggled to survive her violent alcoholic father. She hopes her story inspires others to move beyond their dysfunctional families and stop the cycle of abuse. You can check out her webpage and blog at www.illusionofagirl.com.

George and Tammy were wed in 1969 which happens to be the year I was born. I grew up with a violent alcoholic father and a co-dependent mother. I connected with George & Tammy’s story like thousands, if not millions of people who grew up the same way. It’s a story of a man who was wildly out of control and his wife who did her best to keep him functioning and project a semblance of normalcy to the outside world. Their beautiful voices and songs brought their reality to millions of people who lived every lyric.

The show accurately depicted just how depressing it is to be addicted and the devastating effects on those around them. I don’t understand why drunkenness and drug use are so celebrated in movies. It’s not something we want our children to aspire to or think it’s so cool. It’s not cool. Drunkenness and drug use is a paths laden with despair and lack of self-worth. It’s a hole of self-destruction that many will never emerge from. George eventually recognized his problem and sought recovery. Unfortunately, Tammy succumbed to drug addiction, but in my opinion, her use was driven by medical malpractice and chronic pain.

Let’s get to the hopeful part of this story . . .

Now, fifty years later, we understand drug and alcohol addiction is a disease. We no longer believe that a loving spouse will keep us from addiction (though it may help) or that it’s just a matter of willpower to stop. We have programs now, Alcoholics Anonymous, and many others that offer step-by-step counsel, group support, and instruction on how to get off alcohol and drugs and stay off.

I know many people are in despair about our lack of mental health support, but I also see we’ve made great strides. At least we know it’s needed. I think we’re finally truly considering what pushes us toward our desire to lessen or numb the realities of life. We turn toward quick fixes to ease our anxiety versus any self-reflection on what’s driving it.

Since I did grow up with an alcoholic, I have struggled with anxiety, fear-based thinking, and a lack of self-love. The core of why we turn to alcohol or drugs is to silence those inner thoughts that we aren’t good enough.  I uniquely understand the desire to use some substance to numb those feelings or just simply relax.

The train wreck of my father’s life keeps me from giving in to those urges. I’ve seen what alcohol and drug use devolves into for many. It’s a path I promised myself I wouldn’t go down. Don’t kid yourself that understanding comes with age. It does not. Addiction is a progressive disease; it worsens with age.

I do the hard work by looking inward and figuring out what I’m truly feeling and why. For me, my anxieties all boil down to a lack of self-love. I also think I have lots of company in this regard.

I listen to my own defeating internal dialogue and seek to change it with repeated, daily affirmations. I focus on being present in my life by living in the now. I meditate, exercise, and breathe deeply to release the anxiety from my body. I also pray daily. Spirituality is a big part of my healing journey. I’ve learned to accept myself and it led to me to have more compassion for others. I did all these things by searching for direction, guidance, and support. I found what works for me.

Seek and you shall find

I did have to look. I spend time figuring myself out and what helps me feel better. Helping others heal from dysfunctional families is my purpose and I will pursue an end to this suffering by whatever means possible because there is a cure, and it starts with you.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

LeeAnn Werner

LeeAnn Werner is an author and speaker regarding dysfunctional families. Her books, The Illusion of a Girl and The Illusion of a Boy are young adult thrillers based on her own childhood where she struggled to survive her violent alcoholic father. She hopes her story inspires others to move beyond their dysfunctional families and stop the cycle of abuse. You can check out her webpage and blog at www.illusionofagirl.com.