When we search for a clinical explanation about the topic of narcissism we find very strong identifiers that we can zero in on. Identifiers like pathological self-absorption, an inflated ego, and a sense of entitlement. False confidence illustrates that these individuals are living behind a false front. But also ‘them’ displaying impaired empathy or a willingness to exploit other people prone to exaggerated emotions both positive (they either love you) and negative (they may hate you).  But their manipulative mind games go further than that and are often unnoticed.

As I let it shine through in parts I and II of this trilogy, all narcissists subject their victims to a very severe form of psychological abuse known as ‘reactive abuse’. Reactive abuse happens when you, the victim of the narcissistic abuse, are showing a reaction to the abuse you are exposed to.  The narcissist will try to convince you and other people that you are the actual abuser because of your reaction.

They do this to use as proof that you are mentally ill, unstable, or crazy. And, if it is successful, the true abuser is actually able to convince you that the abuse you are subjected to is your fault. Over time you will become more and more dependent on your abuser’s interpretation of reality instead of your perceptions and experiences. It grooms into conditions to you feeling deep levels of guilt and shame about yourself.

7 signs that you are being emotionally abused

1. If you don’t do what this person wants or expects you to do there will be some form of punishment.
2. They are controlling your time, your obligations, your beliefs, your finances etc.
3. They are continually putting you down or are making insulting comments to you and disguising it as ‘cracking a joke.
4. They provoke and push and intentionally try over and over again to get under your skin and push your buttons until you finally get angry and then they use your reaction against you.
5. They use guilt and pity parties to control you. Or manipulate you into doing something that they want.
6. They intend to gaslight you about reality to confuse you.
7. They give you the silent treatment as punishment for something you did or did not do that they wanted you to do.

Those who have been or are mentally abused can get angry or frustrated pretty easily. Therefore, it is important to understand that when a trauma shows up and it reveals itself as a reaction, sometimes, those reactions can look pretty intense. Also, people who are being exposed to any abuse for a long period of time, usually for years or decades, are living in a flight-flight survival mode. And when a human being is in this state the brain is exclusively focused on survival. When we are in this state we cannot even access the logical part of the brain. So, our reactions can seem pretty intense or out of proportion. So, please keep that in mind if you have a loved one who has been mentally and(or physically abused.

Off-label patterns that reveal narcissism

Here are 14 different indicators that will give you an idea of how extensive this manipulative and mental abuse can be.  With the gaslighting I mentioned in part I in the back of our mind, let’s see if we can understand what some of the off-label identifiers of narcissism are and you be the determiner to see if this is something that you recognize with someone or, can relate to as the receiving end of the equation.

1. Narcissists can be very inclined towards criticism which is part of their attitude of superiority over individuals. They have a gift of being able to find out what is ‘wrong’ about you which is one of the narcissist’s favorite games. They like to poke you and set up scenarios where you indeed will give them an ugly response and then they turn right around and say “See, there’s is the proof that I need. You are a defective person.” And they go into the character assassination.
2. Narcissists can be laser-focused on you. By that I mean, they can watch you very carefully to determine if you are doing whatever is necessary to make them feel better in the moment. They want to zero in on how you are supposed to look or feel or what kind of opinions you should have. They focus heavily outwardly.
3. There is only one opinion in the world that really matters and guess whose opinion that one is.
4. There is a pattern that is referred to as splitting. Splitting or binary thinking means that there can be a strong ‘all or nothing’, ‘black or white’ kind of mindset. You and I agree with each other and if not, I hate you! There is no nuance, no middle ground. They don’t know how to deal with complexity or diversity. That is something that is just very uncomfortable for them.
5. Simple suggestions create an oddly defensive projection and accusing kinds of reactions. For example, you might say hey you might try this instead of this. And instead of them saying Hum, okay they can go off with this real strong defensiveness like why are you trying to tell me what to do! They can be very thin-skinned in a very odd kind of way over minutia.
6. There is the self-delusion that inhibits them to say hey let’s learn from one another’s conversations. Now when I say self-delusions it is like I don’t need to hear from you, I don’t need to hear from anybody. And so when they say Hey let’s just talk and I’ve got some ideas I know you do too the delusion is, you just need to listen to me and I say if I need an opinion from you. Because I am the only one in the room that matters.
7. They hijack conversations constantly. Now from time to time when somebody tells you something, you will respond with a ‘me too’ reaction. For instance when someone says I went to an event and you say oh I did something similar last week. But you will notice that narcissists go way beyond that. You may be talking about something that is very important to you and as you are into the conversation, you realize that that person just took whatever you said and start talking about their own favorite topics.  And, listening more closely to the narcissist,  you realize they do this a lot. They won’t let you have a conversation. They just make it all about themselves and they think it is perfectly normal. They think that this actually is empathizing when in fact it is shoving you aside. I am the only one here that’s important don’t you know?
8. They can have a chameleon-like engagement with people or if they are with a certain group. Over here they will be like the people in group A and when approaching group B they will be like them and many times there are gross contradictions. So which one is it? The answer is neither. There is not a real “them” in there.  The narcissist lacks any kind of center or real sense of meaning or self and is therefore constantly looking outwards for other people to fill this void inside them. And, by telling exaggerated and false narratives, this void is temporarily filled with the attention people give them. So, metaphorically describing a narcissist as a chameleon simply refers to the fact that they will often adapt and change to mimic their surroundings as a real chameleon does. Narcissists will intensely mirror and copy the traits, hobbies, interests, and values of someone they enter a close(r) relationship with, but will then happily discard them and move on to other people and do exactly the same, mimicking a completely different set of traits and hobbies.
9. They are hardly ever curious about you unless they want something from you. They might ask you some questions but they truly are not interested in you because they diminish you, and everyone else who has a strong sense of self, very heavily. They are constantly in a fault-finding mode meaning, the only thing the narcissist is interested in when asking questions, is gathering facts that will be used against you later on.
10. They like for you to filter your relationships with others through them. Many times you might hear them say things like why would you want to spend time with that person? You have a loyalty to that individual but do you know how many things that they’ve done that have just been absolutely wrong? You’re going to wreck your life if you’re with that person! They need you to zero in with them and so they are putting down others. Many narcissists will cut you off from your friends or family members. They will speak badly about people who are important to you or ‘take’ certain people inside the family, whether it is kids or adults, and act as if these people belong to them. In that way, they can be the ‘gatekeeper’ of your relationships.
11. They can often be very impressed by someone else’s power, accomplishment, prestige, beauty or whatever positive they bring to the equation and want to settle up next to it. This might come across as the narcissist having a healthy way of being impressed by someone’s accomplishments but, it is part of their envy and filling in the void they have inside. It is their way of saying I need to be associated with the highest and the best. I don’t want to just be an average person like you. Telling that the narcissist is an average person is an insult to them which makes them immediately resort to their defense mechanism of projection.
12. They offer lots of excuses for their own personal problems and, it is always someone else’s fault. If there is a breakup in a relationship, if there is a project that did not go well, if a mistake was made or just something was forgotten, it is always someone else who is responsible for that. In their mind, they are constantly the victim of other individuals’ inappropriate actions.
13. They are not known for being patient. There is a constant undertow of irritability and agitation. And as a result, when you go counter to them, you are going to pick up on their irritability and impatience and that is part of that emotional dysregulation that is so easy in common with them. Unfortunately, when you go too often against this narcissistic trait, physical abuse might be lurking around the corner. Not to enter another fight, you work faster which makes the narcissist say See, you are creating this stress with me because you are always stressed and in a hurry. Or, if people only knew how pushy you are they would understand why I am having burnout.
14. They are very willing to betray a friend, family member, or colleague if it means that they get to move ahead. If they have to shove their grandmother, child, or partner, off to the side in order to get ahead they are willing to do that. To them, you are nothing more than an object to make them look better, friendlier, charming, or, the victim.

Based on these backstabbing behaviors, which I had to deal with while living with a narcissist for 22 years, my answer is: that narcissism is not something that just exists strictly in academic textbooks. It is something that happens at a real-time level. It is far-reaching, it is very broad and it impacts many people in a disruptive kind of way.

Staying alert for years takes its toll

It is amazing how many people can be ‘bought off’ by someone who is, for instance, picking up the check after a meal.  This false generosity, warmth, and friendliness, is exactly what most people see. And so, they assume that it is you that is the problem.

A narcissist makes their victims small and anxious – almost afraid of the world in some way – which makes others think “Ugh, this ‘person’ is so charming no wonder that they don’t like the relationship. Who wants to be with that anxious person!”  Not only does this confuse their victims and test their reality, it also cuts out the amount of support their victims can get and need because other people fall for the false narratives of the narcissist.

So, adding gaslighting to the above list I have given you 15 different indicators that will give you an idea of how extensive this mental abuse is the narcissist is executing in a slithery and malcontent manner.  I could actually add more indicators like parental alienation but now you have a head start in recognizing the difference between a narcissist and their victims. As well as it might answer the question of why do we have to educate ourselves so much on this topic of narcissism.

To summarize the territory traveled in this article…it is really important for you to recognize that this behaviour is a pattern. These two masks, these two faces the narcissist is showing and acting upon, are their game and it really does harm to those who are stuck in a relationship as such.  This behaviour of someone being able to be so different in public, so different with their friends, so different with other people, and then show you an entirely different face behind closed doors… is a form of gaslighting and it blinds people’s perspective of recognizing where the true problem lies.

People need to understand and recognize the masks these narcissistic individuals wear. Therefore, if your friend comes to and says What you see out here is not what is happening at home, listen!  Because, that is not your friend complaining, it is your friend saying that there is an abusive dual life they are stuck in.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Maria Anna van Driel

Maria is an Investigative Journalist & Reporter (member of the DVPJ-German Association of Journalists) covering non-fictional stories where modern science and myth meet, to find the scientific truth and proof concerning the origin of evolution in general. Maria is also a published writer and Theoretical Physicist having a Bachelor’s in Metaphysics and a MA in ancient Alchemy.

Having a healthy insight into who you are, is a beautiful skill to have, right? Now try to think about how many times you have engaged with a highly narcissistic individual. Somewhere along the road it just dawns on you that this person almost seems to have a complete unwillingness and inability to receive input of any kind and that they have a very, very poorly developed sense of insight. At first, you may think well he/she is just being stubborn and he/she just don’t want to take responsibility for him/herself. But after a while, the thought can dawn on you if it is not just more than that. It seems like the elevator does not go all the way to the top floor with these individuals.  

Narcissists are constantly in a compensation mode 

The defining features of narcissism are all non-insight encouraging ingredients for example they are very self-centered and have an attitude of entitlement. They are deeply insecure but try to cover their insecurity by being falsely superior. They have developed a strong controlling approach toward life. They can be highly manipulative. And, they are not very caring kind of person in the sense that they don’t care about your feelings because they lack any empathy. And so,  we can say with a great deal of certainty that psychological insight is not just something that they choose not to employ, it simply does not exist.  

Becoming aware of this trait becomes very disillusioning when you are the kind of person who likes to be insightful and wants to bring a specific skill set to the equation. As a person who is respecting others having their skill set, strengths, and weaknesses, your mindset is aimed at let’s pull it together and see if we can make this work in a mutually beneficial way.  

Sometimes though, as you engage with these toxic people, you start to notice that their mask is becoming transparent and their narcissistic tendencies begin to rise to the surface. They become so demanding and so manipulative that you finally conclude this is not working for me. As much as you want to engage with these individuals, you can clearly see that they don’t know how to engage well with others.  So, you make the decision to unhook yourself from their tentacles. 

Sometimes that unhooking or disengagement, goes all the way to the far extreme where you have to get away from this relationship completely aka ‘no contact’. Other times there are mitigating circumstances that don’t make that, particularly a wise thing to do but you can still go in a more disengaged way emotionally aka the ‘gray rock’. Going gray rock means that you pull back emotionally and keep a bland approach toward the narcissist.  You greatly lower your expectations and you don’t really engage on any kind of personal or vulnerable level with someone who does not know what to do with that.  

What to expect when you unhook  

Now there is one overarching truth that we can say about what is going to happen when you let it be known, through word or deed, that you are disengaging and that is: a narcissist is going to come after you with lots of accusations.  They will let the world know that you are the problem,  you are the one who is creating all this difficulty.  

They will come at you with lots of venom, blame, and shame, and when you get hooked on your counter emotion and anger, you remain tethered.  And as long as you are filtering much of your emotional well-being through that person’s emotional dysregulation you are still engaged but in a very unhealthy way.  

So there is one thing that you are going to need to hold on to, and this is the key to you knowing how to disengage successfully from a narcissist, and that is it’s not about you. The narcissist is going to want to make the diminishing of the relationship all about you in a negative kind of way. They want to make sure that you know that you are a disgusting person, that you are an impossible person, and that you are the one who has made their life miserable.  But it is so important for you to recognize that this is their game, it is not about you.  

 They are the chronic victim (but it is all your fault, anyway) 

Narcissists first and foremost are injured, souls. They are emotionally damaged but are unable to carry this damage. And so, they want to make it all about you.  

Behind the scenes, in their personality, they have a huge amount of unresolved strains, tensions, and conflicts. And rather than saying I have entered a personal conflict, they simply look away from any responsibility for who they are. They look at their interactions with other people as being a competition. And this is, whether you are not living with that person, if it is someone in your extended family, in a social setting, in an organization, or at work, why narcissists are constantly trying to figure out how to make you look like you are the problem. This way they can sidestep the responsibility of having to come to terms with their contributions to some of the difficulties in a relationship.  

From the starting point, very early in their life, they concluded the world out there has given them a raw deal. And then along comes you. Maybe they can engage with you for a while in a positive way but eventually, because you don’t necessarily fit all of their grooves, you become part of that raw deal. In their mind, you are the problem for all the misery. It is important for you to know they are already predisposed to think that way. They have a generally pessimistic outlook on life that they carry around. And this you will find out about it in its fullness when you go into that disengagement mode.  

The more you argue with them the more it proves in their mind that you are mentally unstable. 

Here are some tactics that narcissists like to use to make you look as if you are being responsible for them. But in fact, they are sidestepping their responsibility for the difficulties they have.  

One of the narcissists’ favorite tricks is to bait you into an argument. Suppose that you have something that brings out differences of opinions. Perhaps a conflict in terms of where you are going with a certain project.  As you share your thoughts, feelings, needs, and/or preferences expect to receive criticism rather than the narcissist saying well let me think this thing through and let’s understand why you feel as you do. What they do is invalidate and they tell you that you don’t know what you are talking about and then start becoming argumentative. And then you bite. I mean, you start arguing right back and tell them how difficult they are being, how they don’t understand. And they are over there with this real satisfied feeling that says Got you going. Look how dysregulated you are right now. How in the world am I going to interact with somebody who’s as problematic as you.  

A second trick that they use to make you look like a problem is that they insist that you really do have to justify your feelings, your actions, or your interpretations. Let’s say that you are talking about a project,  an opinion, a preference, a feeling, or an impression that you have.  Although it might look like an honest interest at first when the narcissists ask questions like  Well why do you feel that way? Where did you come up with that? or, What are you hoping to accomplish? But then a question Who would think in such a way? pops up. And before you know it you are going into this high justification mode while they are thinking Keep explaining, keep telling me that because that’s not adequate enough.  

While you are explaining yourself they are constantly trying to figure out how to poke holes in whatever it is you are saying. And the deeper you go into your justification and rationalization the narcissist goes like See, every time you say something it doesn’t make any sense.  

A third tactic that they like to use is, that they will try to shame you for your independent thinking.  

Wait, let’s just pause on that for a moment.  Is it absolutely okay for you to have independent thoughts? Each one of us is distinct.  But with the narcissist, this is a threat that leads to them not being in control. So, they might say something like you just has to do things your way, don’t you?!  Or they say something like where did you learn to think like that? or well I guess you don’t have any use for anybody else’s thoughts now do you? 

So, when you say ‘I have my own preference’ or ‘I have my own style and my way of doing things and ‘I like to be my own independent agent’, that is your way of saying it’s just me being me.  The narcissist interprets that as you are leaving them behind and consider them to be insignificant.  For that, you are going to be shamed and they hope that you will eventually stop this ridiculous behavior, go along with their program, and quit being the problem. That is the way they operate.  

A fourth tactic that they like to use is, they try to make you feel responsible for their moods.  For example, let’s suppose they are feeling agitated or irritable. Or they are feeling perplexed. They may say something like do you realize how much trouble you create around here? Or, I was having a perfectly good day until you showed up. They have their own moodiness and irregularities and then they will turn around and say …and it’s all your fault!  

If you accept that you are, in their mind, apologizing for your poor behavior towards them and so, they have got you going again.  

A fifth way that they can trick you into looking like the problem is, that they may actually offer lame excuses. For example, they have made a mistake or they realize that you know they were pretty moody or pretty erratic. They may say something like yeah I’ve been under a lot of stress lately or I didn’t have a good night of sleep. They make all kinds of lame excuses and then they blame you for whatever kind of reaction(s) you have.   For instance, they may say you didn’t make matters any better you certainly weren’t available when I needed your help. Rather than just saying yes I now have a problem. Along with their excuse comes that one pivotal word I don’t have a problem YOU do! 

A sixth trick they use is, that they will actually try to intimidate you when you try to have boundaries. Keep in mind…boundaries is your way of saying ‘This is who I am, this is where I plan to go and I am with my decisions.’ 

The intimidation you then receive is sounding something like this if you want to do something like that you’re going to ruin everything for everybody else. You’re such a selfish person! Or you’re definitely not a team player. They try to make you think that having boundaries is a bad thing when in fact it just means you have a definition of yourself. 

A seventh trick is, that they will actually accuse you of being a narcissist. They will say well you know what? I’ve been reading up on this whole thing about narcissism and you’re a narcissist. You are the one who is selfish and executing domestic violence. To them ‘narcissism’ or being a narcissist is just a dirty name that you give to somebody. It is their classic projection that they are putting on to you.

These narcissistic individuals come up with these different tricks to try to make you look problematic and them the victim, with only one goal and that is they want to wear you down.  So eventually you start thinking I don’t want to argue with you anymore. Why should I bother? It’s not worth the effort for me to try to take my own initiative. And they are thinking good that means I win and you lose. They truly see you taking a distance, setting your boundaries, and going grey rock, as a personal victory. They think that they have not lost control over you. If you accept this behaviour you wind up losing yourself and might become a person that you don’t particularly like. For example, you may have a lot of dysregulated emotions like anger and agitation. You suppress a lot of what you really feel and think to mean, and you can become susceptible to anxiety or depression. Maybe you just withdraw from other individuals or become generally negative, cynical, and numb.  

To summarize the journey traveled in this article, while you are starting to unhook yourself from their toxicity, the narcissist completely ignores his/her contributions to the reason that you have to disengage in the first place. They cannot and they will not be vulnerable, they cannot and they will not be honest. And ultimately the narcissist remains trapped by their own anger and contempt that they hold.  And yet in the midst of all of that they say it is all about you, it is all your fault.   

It is so important for you to understand that is what is going on. It is so damn important for you to understand that it is not you who is the problem.  You have to stop and ask yourself do I really have to justify myself that strongly, particularly when it is with somebody who is not paying any attention to what I am saying anyway?  

In order for you to strengthen yourself in that regard, it is important for you to recognize that you are a person of inherent worth and your worth is separate and distinct from the narcissist whatever declarations they are making.  

You deserve goodness! And so, go back to that key when it is time to disengage. It is absolutely okay for you to say “when the narcissist continues to treat me in a disdainful way I don’t want to be around that. And, if they want to turn around and say well that’s problematic let them think it. Goodness is something that I deserve.” 

Keep reminding yourself that the narcissist want to smother you and they do not shy away to use heavy artillery like their smear campaigns and collecting new flying monkeys whereby gaslighting people will be their main game. (I will speak about this form of manipulating people in part III)  The narcissist wants to keep you like that dog inside the fence so that you remain inside their tight parameters.  

You are at your very best only when you are living inside a sense of freedom., when you are able to shift your thoughts and emotions in a free surrounding meaning being in the company of those who are recognizing you, your personality, and your skills. People who are building you up instead of breaking you down. 

No, go and claim your freedom!   

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Maria Anna van Driel

Maria is an Investigative Journalist & Reporter (member of the DVPJ-German Association of Journalists) covering non-fictional stories where modern science and myth meet, to find the scientific truth and proof concerning the origin of evolution in general. Maria is also a published writer and Theoretical Physicist having a Bachelor’s in Metaphysics and a MA in ancient Alchemy.

Happiness, sadness, disgust, fear, surprise, and anger are the six basic emotions psychologist Paul Eckman identified during the 1970s. Basic emotions that he suggested are universally experienced in all human cultures.  He later expanded his list of basic emotions with pride, shame, embarrassment, and excitement.

These basic, or core, emotions, we all have bumped into them in one way or another in our relationships where they are experienced on a deeper level when it concerns our romantic relationships. In a healthy relationship, these core emotions are experienced in a balanced manner. We can talk about our feelings with those people we share these emotions with in order to minimize the duration of the lesser moments, to learn from ourselves and others, create a mutual understanding, and have a healthy and close bond with the ones who are most important to us.  But, when you are in a toxic relationship this is a one-way street, a business contract set up by a narcissist, these fundamental emotions are being used against you in a very twisted way.

PIC: Gaslighting is one of the sickest forms of narcissistic abuse you will experience when dating a psychopath. It is their secret weapon of ultimate mind control and they use it all the time to torture and psychologically abuse their victims.

There are numerous ways for the narcissist to execute their manipulative mind games but in a nutshell, the narcissist’s happiness becomes your reward, they punish you by making you doubt yourself and feeling sad, and their fear (insecurity) and anger become your daily stress and confusion.  As for the emotion of disgust, this is what the Narcissist displays in projecting and leveling the emotions of their victim(s).  The emotion of surprise, well, this is what most of these individuals often experience and translate as shame.

This wry way of thinking is caused by the narcissist being incapable of experiencing any depth of vulnerability and thus projects his/her shame and rage outwards onto carefully chosen ‘targets’ in order to not have to ‘carry’ his/her shame and rage within him/herself.  The result is them gaslighting you and using you as a flying monkey in order to maintain the controlling power over you…their victim. The narcissists start to brag, exaggerate, and lie about their greatness and self-esteem which suggests that they are trying to convince themselves to disguise hidden self-loathing and feelings of inferiority.

Realizing that you are literally dealing with narcissistic abuse, suddenly changes everything. And with ‘everything’ I really mean everything. As you start to wake up from the narcissist’s altered reality, crawling out of this murky nightmare of sadistic mind games, you have to reprogram your self-image, your entire thinking, and emotions and is forcing you to step into a period full of confusion. And, most of the time, with a feeling of loneliness. This feeling of loneliness is spawning from the fact that the narcissist has already voiced his/her smear campaigns and worn the victim badge too many times with too many people meaning, others will not listen to you when you say “What you see happening here is not what is happening at home”. They think you are the problem!

This ‘wake-up call’ kicked in my front door during the 2^nd week of Nov. 2020. A moment that cannot be erased from my memory…ever!  Anyway, shortly after picking up the scattered pieces the chaotic months that followed had left behind, I did a lot of work in understanding and breaking down the diagnostic codes about how and why these toxic individuals do the things that they do. This 2-year journey in both deep self-reflection (what made me realize that the physical and mental abuse I grew up with is NPD and has created with me not being able to voice my personal boundaries from an early age what, in turn, made me, as an adult, attract these toxic individuals)  and gaining the knowledge on the ‘world’ the narcissist is living in and their abusive mind games, I briefly discussed in my previous articles.

Gaslighting others to make you the problem

Those who are in, are about to, or just broke free from a narcissistic relationship know the scenario well. Behind closed doors, in a narcissistic relationship, is devaluation, manipulation, lying, criticism, anger, rage, and, unfortunately, in too many cases also physical abuse. But then you are with other people, with family, friends, colleagues, and the narcissistic person in your life is all of the sudden the most charming and gracious person you have ever met.

He/she remembers people’s names, pulls a chair out, takes the hand of an older relative and helps them down the stairs, they pay the check for everyone, they compliment people…they even compliment you!. You feel that you have gone through the looking glass and into the matrix.  You look at this narcissistic person and think “What, wait…this person is actually really great!  I was so wrong. He/she is so cool. My standards are too high.  I am so lucky to be married to him/her. I need to stop overthinking this relationship.”  And then, just to confirm your thoughts of you being married to this great person, your friends, family, and colleagues, tell you “Oh, you are so lucky! What a great person you have married. He/she is so nice.”

As you go home you feel kind of warm and fuzzy, even in the car. But then the front door closes when you enter your home and the face looking at you is not the same face of the person who pulled out a chair for an older relative, helped someone down the stairs, picked up the check, or complimented people.  The face of this person is now unseen, unsympathetic, and contemptuous. The warmth, the charm, the friendliness…poof…it is all gone. Now you are really confused. What is real?!

This back and forward…we had such a good time at dinner versus they are lying and manipulating me. But we laughed a lot during that movie versus criticizing and devaluating me a lot. That back and forward is the architecture of the narcissistic relationship.

These relationships are always 3 steps forward and 4 steps back. But the cognitive distancing that you experience imperceptible means that you focus on the 3 steps forward and you don’t notice the 4 steps back. You are always falling behind one step at a time. And so, over time, it becomes easier to blame yourself than to recognize the narcissistic abuse in the relationship.

These big grandiose shows of generosity and solicitude in front of other people, especially other people who matter to you, that is the ultimate gaslighting trick of the narcissist. Because now everyone is in on the delusion. People only see the generous, helpful, charming person. And because most people out there don’t understand or recognize narcissism and gaslighting, they think you are the problem.

Don’t become the narcissist’s property

Those who are on the receiving end of the equation of this narcissistic abuse can be e.g. anxious, sad, have difficulties with social interactions, and experience self-doubt. Unfortunately, other people might actually see the victim of narcissistic abuse as the problem and the sunny narcissist as the saint for putting up with his/her negative partner who is complaining about the relationship.  This is because they have fallen victim to these people collectors by accepting the narcissist’s false stories and smear campaigns as reality. This is exactly what the narcissist is looking to support their false self-image, aka masking.

The narcissist person who needs narcissistic supply is no fool. They often know that they need to put on a show to get supplies. They are interpersonal sprinters but they can only wear the mask of charm for so long before the exhausting gets to them. And then they are back to being their malcontent and contentious selves.  That is why the mask comes off as early as the car ride home.

They are a ‘charmer’ in public but they are a cruel manipulator at home. Although many might think it is, it is actually not a disconnect. The narcissistic person is doing what the narcissistic personalities do, getting their supply in public and then getting rid of their tension and regulating their shame by attacking you.

Now, this cycle of being generous and charming in public and abusive and mean in private is a profound gaslighting experience because it leaves people questioning their perception and their reality. It is why, over time, these relationships leave people so anxious, so confused, so full of self-doubt, so helpless and so hopeless.   And to people out there who are not in these relationships but maybe had that experience of your friend or someone close to you who is suffering in such a relationship but your experience has been of the grandiose public version of the narcissist, recognize that this dichotomy is a thing.

To summarize part one of this trilogy, try to recognize that overall these toxic individuals are suffering from a chronic victim mentality, aka victim badge.

Victim mentality is a psychological term that refers to a type of dysfunctional mindset which seeks to feel persecuted in order to gain attention or avoid self-responsibility. People who struggle with the victim mentality are convinced that life is not only beyond their control, but is out to deliberately hurt them. This belief results in constant blame, finger-pointing, and pity parties that are fuelled by pessimism, fear, and anger.

It is easy to distinguish this type of person from the true victims. Simply paying attention to their facial expressions, body language that is contra to their words, poor walking posture, and the constant pessimistic tone of voice will be enough to raise some red flags.

• They try to justify what happens to them as a type of curse or as someone else’s fault.
• As a result, they increase their victim mentality until they alienate the people around them.
• They tend to hold on to feelings like bitterness or jealousy and avoid taking any possible responsibility for their misfortunes.

Don’t be that person who says “Well, I don’t see it because they are always so nice to me.”  Instead set limits by using your boundaries effectively in order to get through any interactions with these types of people without falling into self-loathing or feeling guilty about what you have done wrong. It is important to understand that victim narcissists cannot be changed. Instead of wasting any more time on them, focus on making positive changes in YOUR life instead!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Maria Anna van Driel

Maria is an Investigative Journalist & Reporter (member of the DVPJ-German Association of Journalists) covering non-fictional stories where modern science and myth meet, to find the scientific truth and proof concerning the origin of evolution in general. Maria is also a published writer and Theoretical Physicist having a Bachelor’s in Metaphysics and a MA in ancient Alchemy.

* This article contains behavioral descriptions that correspond, or are largely similar to, behaviors that have spawned from long-term exposure to mental and physical abuse. When you have experienced this kind of abuse, it is more than logical that you show some of the behaviours mentioned in this article. When you are experiencing this kind of abuse right now, please, seek the psychological and/or legal support that fits your situation. Know that you are not alone. You have the right to live your life without fear!

***

Batman and the Joker…in every story, there is a hero and a villain. But, in your story, you are both.

In your life story, all the bright and dark aspects of yourself orchestrate the melody of your personal song. A song that you need to hear first before someone else might experience it as shadow projection. But in order to hear it, you have to learn to listen not only to what you want or desire but also to what you are afraid of. Hair-raising as it might sound, your fears and your darkness aren’t detached from you. But if you keep pushing these unpleasant emotions, thoughts, and feelings into the personal shadow, it is going to affect your psyche and thus your behavior.

Therefore you should not eschew these nasty stressors. It is better to try to face them, analyze them and internalize them as soon as you are ready and, at your own pace. Because the shadow is a part of your identity meaning, it will always be there with you.

Shadow psychology defines the dark side of our personality. It consists of primitive and negative thoughts or feelings like jealousy, greed, confusion, sadness, etc. When we perceive ourselves as e.g. the loser, failure, evil, or undesirable, a perception as such becomes a part of our shadow.

The Swiss psychologist Carl Gustav Jung, one of my biggest influencers since he is one of the few that have attempted to bridge the notions of psychology and spirituality in an effort to discover ways to transcend the human condition, has captured the interest of both academics and spiritual seekers alike. One of his most powerful discoveries was his concept of “The Shadow” that, according to me, can be divided into a two-part idea ‘the personal shadow’ and ‘shadow projection’.

Although these are concepts that were developed by Carl Jung over a hundred years ago, they are still incredibly relevant and important for us today in order for us to maintain skillful interpersonal interactions with both ourselves and, toxic people.

The personal shadow, in a nutshell, is all those parts of our personality that we push out of our awareness. We do our uttermost best to deny that they are there. We don’t want to admit to them and we don’t see them. But, by placing it underneath a magnifying glass we become to understand that the personal shadow is a large part of our childhood.

For example, if you have spent your whole life being polite and kind you might end up being a people pleaser. You find it very difficult to say ‘no’ or to tell somebody something you know they don’t want to hear. Over time it becomes very difficult to speak your truth, to say what you feel, what you really think, or what you really want. This form of being polite has a high risk of resulting in people putting their ability to speak their truth into the shadow and grow silent.

Shielding yourself

The shadow is a ‘defense’ for many, especially for children. It is a defense against being shamed. It is a defense against being reprimanded. And so, we push all these ‘socially risky’ parts of ourselves into the shadow and pretend they are not there. But, obviously, being an adult means you have to be honest and you have to be polite. You have to be helpful and you also need to know when to set a boundary and say no. Not to mention that you need to know when it is time to ask for help yourself.   So the problem, or better said the challenge, with this ‘defense’ from our childhood is, to come to terms with it before it becomes an unclear obstacle in our journey of becoming an adult.

As an example of the personal shadow interfering during your adult life, recently I attended a closed gathering of first responders working in the psychosocial and medical sectors. During this evening I spoke with a man (40) who told me a short version of his life story. He explained how he, years ago, fell into a severe depression and had thoughts of how he could commit suicide as painless as possible.

“My friends started to comment on my indifferent and absent behavior. And right at the moment, I was aware of having thoughts of committing suicide, I understood that I had a severe problem. I reached out for help. The doctor I spoke with wanted me to be admitted immediately to a closed mental institution. This never happened because I could explain that these were thoughts which I did not want to put into action.”

He continued his story and talked about how he had experienced the period of his therapy and what he learned from it. He smiled and said: “At one point in my life I looked into my personal abyss, today I am helping and supporting those people who are going through a similar situation.”

While I was listening to him telling about this part of his life, I was also listening to which words were emphasized as well as I observed his body language. And I noticed that in the moment he was speaking about the visual emotion of crying in general, he let his hand slight over his neck and throat. This subtle sign, in combination with his choice of words, the intonation when speaking these words, and the fluctuating in eye contact, showed that he is repressing these emotions from himself. In other words, he has placed them in his personal shadow.

It is perfectly normal to have a personal shadow. And, if you have ever felt embarrassed, you know that you have a shadow.   In fact, personal or psychological shadow naturally forms when people form groups, and become part of communities. In fact, getting a shadow is a big part of learning really important values and virtues as we grow up as children.

But dwelling on the past in order to come to terms with our shadow is something many don’t like to do; we are eager to wipe the slate clean and start fresh on a path toward a tomorrow we hope will be brighter than yesterday. But pushing forward without a backward glance once in a while can be hazardous to our mental health.  I mean, every now and then we must remember to press “Pause” to intentionally focus on the past and present. Because those times we pause and how deeply we reflect directly affect our future destiny.

Shadow projection and its behaviours

In Jungian psychology, the shadow (also known as id, shadow aspect, or shadow archetype) is either an unconscious aspect of the personality that the conscious ego does not identify as itself; or the entirety of the unconscious.

Jung discovered that the Shadow can provide great insight and revelation. He also knew that it can do a lot of damage to one’s psyche if not integrated. Repression or failure to embrace the Shadow is a recipe for psychological trouble. The Shadow cannot be destroyed, and even if it is repressed into the darkness, its tentacles will still surface.

But even though these unwanted thoughts and feelings may appear in murky dreams and spontaneous visions in various forms they, sometimes, overwhelm a person’s actions. For example, when the conscious mind is shocked, confused, or paralyzed by indecision.

This brings us to those people that set us off and, the second part of this idea is shadow projection.

PIC (a man and his shadow) Carl Jung’s “Shadow,” is a symbol that represents the hidden side of every human psyche. The Shadow is composed of hidden aspects of an individual’s personality that are deemed as “unacceptable,” and tucked away into the hidden parts of their mind.

Jung writes that if these shadowy projections remain hidden, “the projection-making factor then has a free hand and can realize its object—if it has one—or bring about some other situation characteristic of its power.” These projections insulate and harm individuals by acting as a constantly thickening veil of illusion between the ego and the real world.

Here are 7 behaviours that show the execution of shadow projection which many will instantly recognize as narcissistic behavior. This recognition undoubtedly raises the question if the altered reality the narcissist is claiming to be a reality, is nothing more than his/her huge personal shadow.

1. A tendency to harshly judge others.
2. Pointing out one’s own insecurities as flaws in another.
3. A quick temper with people in subordinate positions of power.
4. Frequently playing the ‘victim’ of every situation.
5. A willingness to step on others to achieve one’s own ends.
6. Unacknowledged biases and prejudices.
7. A messiah complex.

Here is another piece of shadow projection that is very common. We all have these moments that we are not particularly proud of. We might have been a little petty, we might have been a little greedy, and we might have been a little egocentric.  There are all these little bits of ourselves and we are like “Nope, I’m not really like that. I’m not like that.” But then we see somebody who is not afraid to show their greed or their pettiness or their shine, what sets us off.

Take a step back and own up to some of your lesser angels.

Although there will always be those toxic people like the narcissist who intentionally project their personal shadow on you, let’s think about some of those people that set you off without them meaning to. Goose bumpy but, there is a very good chance that what they are showing us is something we have been ’trained’ to be afraid of. Something about ourselves we have been taught to fear.  And so, we put these unmet needs, thoughts, and emotions, into our shadow. Then, when we see somebody who is not afraid to meet them, we get really set off.

You can tell when this is happening because outwardly you disapprove of what the person is doing or saying “I can’t believe they are doing that. I can’t believe they are talking like that.” but secretly your shadow envies but there is some fear behind it.

Shadow characteristics are mostly formed by shame, fear, and insecurity. These characteristics are thoughts, desires, wishes, feelings, cravings, and urges that one’s own ego does not accept. For example, in the case of a sexual taboo (e.g. homo- or bisexuality), you may have heard that certain behaviors or desires are not acceptable by your family or the community you are living in. So, you cast them into the shadow- only to show themselves when the environment is safe from judgment.

Shadow traits can also be positive aspects of a personality. Maybe you have associated your natural assertiveness with shame because you were disciplined away from it at a young age. Or maybe your creativity was neglected because you were taught that it is less valuable than “hard skills.”

Dare today, shape tomorrow

A myriad of people are walking around with fear and anger but that does not mean they are projecting the content of their personal shadow and harming others all the time in order to hide these emotions. Those who, so to say, ‘uncover’ our shadow, are triggering our subconsciousness by showing us that we are afraid to see something in ourselves. And so, we get, in an unjust way, very aggressive towards the person that we project on at that moment.  This is when we gain that sense of losing our personal power. But if we can just take a step back and say for instance all right there is my colleague and he is kind of being an arrogant know-it-all but, sometimes so am I.  By doing so we can claim our shadow.

The more we become aware of our shadows the more personal power we hold. The more we become aware of our shadows the less anger and the less fear we experience around other people. The more we understand our shadows the less power and difficult and toxic people will have to set us off.

PIC (leave with text) When we feel judged by others especially if they haven’t come right out and said exactly what it is they’re judging us about, it may point to a judgment that we may actually have about ourselves.

I want to ask you the following question: how difficult or how impossible is it for you to say no when somebody asks us for a favor?

This sense of difficulty is related to a fear you have pushed into your personal shadow. We are afraid that if we say no this person might suffer. Or, what we are really afraid of,  if we say no they are not going to love us as much, they are not going to like us as much. So we fear saying no.

One thing that helps people put in their shadow is their ability to draw a boundary and say no to other people. So even when we don’t have time to do this favor, even when it is going to compromise something else we are still afraid to say no and so we say yes. And maybe one day, suddenly somebody asks us for a favor and we just explode. The problem lies in the fact that repressed, unwanted feelings and thoughts go unchecked for a long time and, thus, they are cast in the shadow but, at some point, will bubble to the surface.

Now let me ask another question…how many of you find it difficult or perhaps impossible, to actually ask for help for yourself? The same obstacle, we are afraid. “If I ask for help I am seen as a burden.”  So even though you provide help to people all the time, even if you are in the weeds and completely overwhelmed, this feeling of being afraid to ask for help is crawling up your spine because helping people put their ability to ask for help into their shadows.

Can you recognize the size of your shadow?

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Maria Anna van Driel

Maria is an Investigative Journalist & Reporter (member of the DVPJ-German Association of Journalists) covering non-fictional stories where modern science and myth meet, to find the scientific truth and proof concerning the origin of evolution in general. Maria is also a published writer and Theoretical Physicist having a Bachelor’s in Metaphysics and a MA in ancient Alchemy.

By Maria Anna van Driel, www.nexttruth.com

When somebody experiences a traumatic event, they are often supported by people in social, work, legal, and clinical contexts who ask them repeatedly to recount their personal stories.

This retelling of these events can exacerbate symptoms of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and potentially re-traumatize the person. Then, in the moment behaviours like depression and confusion, or someone voicing not wanting to live this life anymore, can be clearly observed with someone by means of a e.g. therapists using this approach, basic Jungian psychology is being unleashed on the client for him or her to walk a long and rough path of lacerating the shadow of ‘self’ in order to ‘heal’ their psyche.  This can leave someone’s psyche stuck in a dark place, looking down into the abyss of misery´, for an unnecessarily long period of time. Not to mention that re-telling the trauma experienced that much often leads to an unrealistic form of Gestalt processing.

This, in my opinion, is using brutal force instead of techniques. This can be done differently, more effectively and, free from unnecessary tensions and /or anxieties for the client. Unfortunately, many psychologists, therapists, and counselors are, regardless of the reason, not looking in the direction of applying a new approach to their way of working with people which in turn is often leading to occupational blindness or tunnel vision.

Image: Not focusing directly on the trauma(s) experienced in reducing the level of anxiety felt and brings people more in tune with themselves, the world, and the people in it. In other words, it can accelerate one’s healing process.

Working towards a mental recovery is teamwork! 

As an emergency counselor myself, understanding the aftershock caused by trauma by means of personal experiences,  I, as a third party, witnessed and observed the behavior of several psychologists and therapists firsthand while working in the field with real-life cases. And, although they assert to possess years of experience in working with 1st responders, to my big surprise many are still holding on to this old fashion technique of ‘re-traumatizing the client in order to fix them’.

I also noticed that, during these moments in the field, some are using a language and behaviour that has a manipulative effect on the client’s temporary fragile mind.  Personally, I am of the opinion that one should not try to mold someone’s mind into what is thought to be okay to fit into modern society. One should work together with the client to reduce the effects of e.g. predominant anxiety spawned from trauma.

Anyway, based on what I have observed, I am of the opinion that the red thread in modern psychology is that it is practiced in reverse whereby some psychologists, therapists, and counselors even shift the blame to the client for not cooperating correctly toward a ‘healthy healing process at the moment they disagree with what is being presented as a therapeutic solution simply because it does not fit the client’s situation and mindset.

This way of forcing people into an unwanted situation with an old fashion technique of  ‘re-traumatizing the client in order to fix them’, could be one of the many reasons why many are feeling a particular distrust toward therapists and/or psychologists in general.

And that throws us back to a new approach…cognitive flexibility.

Trauma is a powerful source of positive change

We have all heard about stress and its inevitability, but succumbing to the dismay when it strikes us does not have to haunt us for a lifetime. Although it might be contra to what some psychologists, therapists, and counselors, advocate, positivity, and laughter, for instance, do have a deeper and longer effect in losing certain tensions whereby this suffering suddenly has transformative power.

In the 1980s two psychologists, Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, at the University of North Carolina, Charlotte, discovered that trauma was changing people in fundamental ways. Some of those changes were negative, but to their surprise, the majority of trauma survivors they interviewed reported that their lives had changed for the better. Survivors of all kinds, they contacted more than 600 people, said they had much greater inner strength than they ever thought, that they were closer to friends and family members, that life had more meaning, or that they were reorienting their lives towards more fulfilling goals.  Since then researchers around the world have begun delving into post-traumatic growth (PTG).

While resilience can help to withstand the pain to some extent, Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG), or ‘transformation through turmoil’ as Dr. Steve Taylor calls it in his book “Extraordinary Awakenings When Trauma Leads to Transformation”, is empowering us to grasp the knowledge of using the pain to change our lives for the better.

When we think about it for a moment, it is remarkable to see that the brain is capable of ‘choosing’ such a vivid form of processing the aftershock and stress that is accompanied by trauma.  However, be in religion, poetry, philosophy, or literature, the general understanding of how pain can be beneficial is not a new concept altogether. The scientific field of positive psychology has embraced this process of thriving and calls it Post-Traumatic Growth Order (PTGO) better known as the self-improvement one undergoes after experiencing life challenges.

The idea of Post Traumatic Growth Order is a popular one and describes how survivors of traumatic events cannot only heal from their trauma, but may actually grow into stronger, more driven, and more resilient people because of their trauma.  Odd isn’t…I mean, although these are terrible things to go through, somehow these nasty moments are providing you the opportunity to gain a deeper insight into both yourself and others and, see it from a positive side with which you can work… professionally and/or privately.

To summarize the territory traveled in this article, although CPTSD and PTSD are no unknown terms, the effects are still not well understood by our culture or media and by many in the medical profession. I think this stems from the term  ‘disorder’. Tt’s logical for many to assume that whenever someone is having a hard time adjusting to a series of stressful or traumatic life-changing events, that they might have a mental disorder that, according to some, should be ‘corrected’ as soon as possible.

Without a doubt, trauma is a vivid nightmare that makes itself present while we are in this state of being ‘awake’. Not only is it, for a myriad of people, difficult to overcome the psychological bruises which are caused by trauma, it also takes tremendous perseverance and resilience to overcome this invisible battle that is taking place day in and day out.

But, as we all know, we are all unique individuals meaning, everyone has their own way of responding to a traumatic event or events. And even though PTSD is traditionally thought of as being comprised of at least three components re-experiencing symptoms, arousal, and avoidance, this state of mind, this terrible nightmare, can work to your advantage.

We need to realize that the struggle, odd as it might sound right now, is a good thing. So, I want to challenge you! I want you to lean into your struggles and into the challenges that you are having. But I want you more than anything to live your life in such a way that you inspire and encourage greatness in others.

So, are you ready to begin to think of ‘struggle’ in a new way? Are you ready to recognize that it is in these struggles we are transformed, or shifting, into a more authentic, more striking and more spiritual person?  A person that is looking towards a bright future?

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Maria Anna van Driel

Maria is an Investigative Journalist & Reporter (member of the DVPJ-German Association of Journalists) covering non-fictional stories where modern science and myth meet, to find the scientific truth and proof concerning the origin of evolution in general. Maria is also a published writer and Theoretical Physicist having a Bachelor’s in Metaphysics and a MA in ancient Alchemy.

pic Masking…a behavior to use for you to fit in a society that has agreed on behaviors and thoughts and expressions that are considered to be ‘normal’. Personally, I find this to be incorrect because it speaks of a ‘rule’ that says that you are not allowed to be yourself.

Why do people mask?

We are told that e.g. technology and social media are giving us an inflated sense of self. But most of us don’t walk around feeling like we are all that great. In fact, there is one underlying emotion that overwhelmingly shapes our self-image and influences our behavior, and that is insecurity.  

Everybody deals with this feeling of grogginess (insecurity) from time to time. It can appear in all areas of life and come from a variety of causes. It might stem from a traumatic event, patterns of previous experience, social conditioning (learning rules by observing others), or local environments such as school, work, or home.  It can also stem from general instability. People who experience unpredictable upsets (psychological blows) in daily life are more likely to feel insecure about ordinary resources and routines.  

Masking how you really feel or what your preferences really are is something we all learn to do as children. We pretend that we are happy when we are actually sad. That we are confident when we are actually nervous. That we like something maybe more than we actually like it so that we can fit in with the group we are hanging out with. And pretty much everyone does this sometimes.   

In other words, people mask to conform to social pressures, to avoid rejection or bullying, and as part of impression management. They are often corrected and even punished for their “weird” behaviors growing up. And so, we learn to suppress them.

Recognizing masking with ADHD 

For those who are dealing with ADHD, fitting in often requires an additional type of masking.  It is an act of hiding your neurodivergence.  (coined in 1998 by sociologist Judy Singer) And, unlike emotions, the way your brain naturally works isn’t something that comes and goes. You are always neurodivergent, and often have to pretend that you are not. 

Although  I am not entirely sure that I was born with these behaviors, I myself was, in my teens, diagnosed with ADHD.  Personally, I think that my behaviors have been created while experiencing life underneath this umbrella of narcissism. How often did I, as a youngster, hear the comment “Why can’t you be normal for once in your life?!”  (A comment as such can have its origin in confusion, people not knowing how to respond to your energetic behavior. This confusion with people can trigger feelings of fear and shame which in turn shows itself as anger and irritation.) 

So, dealing with several of these ADHD traits myself I fully understand that watching every single thing or behaviour that might make you look not normal (for whatever that might be) and then fixing it, makes you automatically to the behavior of masking. 

Having to bottle it all up and making a conscious effort to behave in ways that are neurotypical, like hiding your hyperactivity with calmness, sitting quietly at a desk without sitting very strangely or squirming in one’s seat, or responding or making eye contact as you are expected to do during (class) discussions even though your mind may feel chaotic… it is exhausting! 

Pic ADHD masking is also known as impression management. Impression management was termed by Russell Barkley, psychologist, who also was the one who claimed that almost one-third of people with ADHD prefer masking their condition.

Other than hiding your behaviours you might also find yourself copying the behavior(s) of other people who do not have ADHD. This is how you camouflage with the rest of the world. You simply imitate the body language and behavior of non-ADHD people so that you appear just like them. 

For example, imagine you are in a public place and you are sitting with your arms crossed or you’re leaning back and staring a bit in the distance. Or, you are absolutely focused on a beetle that is walking over the table or a bird that is sitting outside. After a while, you notice that people start reacting to your behavior with a concern or perhaps with furrowed eyebrows. They might ask questions like, “Are you feeling okay?” “What’s wrong?” “Can I help?” 

Sometimes these moments are very welcomed. It allows you to express your thoughts and feelings at your own pace to those you are feeling comfortable with. But when these moments happen consistently, it starts to get annoying. Therefore, in order to avoid possible moments of bullying or rejection, you simply wear your mask all day.   

Long-term effects of masking

This kind of social camouflaging can, in some cases, be beneficial. It can help you achieve your goals, like getting a job or help you to establish relationships, especially with people who are not neurodivergent. In the short term, it can seem to keep you “safe”. But it turns out, that the kind of masking that is often asked to do with conditions like ADHD, PTSD, CPTSD, and Autism, comes at a cost. Especially long-term. 

1. It is distracting. It can be hard to focus on what you are trying to do or trying to learn when you also have to actively monitor sitting still, have to make eye contact, and respond when it is appropriate to respond. It takes up working memory slots. So there is less of a chance of actually retaining the information you have been given. 
2. Hiding can make it hard for people to believe that you are struggling. You don’t get the level of support you actually need because it doesn’t seem like you need it. This can lead to a delay in diagnosis, misdiagnosis, or, getting the level of support you might need after diagnosis.  Intentionally masking is not the only thing that can hide your struggles but it definitely contributes.
3. Masking constantly is exhausting and on a long-term basis, it can potentially lead to isolation and even a burn-out. It can set false expectations, or expectations that you can’t consistently meet, which can sometimes make people angry with you. And, you are angry or embarrassed with yourselves when your mask inevitably starts to slip. (when you start noticing that your mask slips every now and then simply means that you are feeling comfortable around that person. He/she is giving you the freedom to be yourself) 
4. It can be lonely. It affects your sense of self and your connection to others if you constantly have to hide fundamental aspects of who you are. And, it is anxiety-inducing. Because of a lot of the “weird” things you might do (e.g. being sensitive to light or noises, pacing up and down, having emotional outbursts, staring at things or people), your brain is letting you do this for a reason. They are coping and self-regulating mechanisms to help you focus or relieve anxiety. 

Social camouflaging out of shame

Social camouflaging (masking) can be strongly influenced by environmental factors such as work environment, authoritarian parents, rejection, and emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. You may not even know you are wearing a mask because it is a behavior that has, over time, become second nature and, can take many forms. 

Pic: If you could enter the minds of people around you, even the narcissistic ones, you’re likely to encounter ceaseless waves of insecurity.

At the moment we are talking about PTSD and CPTSD people can feel particular insecurity or shame to voice their thoughts, anxieties, and emotions. (one sign of insecurity is low self-esteem or negative self-image (thinking badly about yourself, your abilities or achievements), particularly when that image seems to be inconsistent with external observation. It can lead to other problems, especially concerning mental health.)

For example, let’s imagine a person who has a strong and stable appearance and knows what he or she wants from life. Well, at least that is what we observe on the surface.  This fictitious person also has a job that is protecting others in one way or another. Because of his/her job people look up to him/her and invite you to ask a person for advice or help in, for instance, life-threatening situations.  Having this much (public) responsibility this feeling of being ashamed of having particular anxiety or nightmares (waking up in the middle of the night, screaming) spawn from field experiences, and this feeling of weakness is popping up.   

At the moment that people feel ashamed, they try to hide it. In other words masking. You tuck away yourself, your personality. Out of fear of social judgment, being labeled as weak or weird, you hide everything that is inside you that should be voiced at your own pace. And, in the language, you can express yourself the best.   

Masking in order to fit into a society that has agreed on thought expressions and behaviors that are considered to be normal. It is odd and, in my personal opinion, absolutely wrong. It creates unnecessary depressions, anxieties, burn-outs, and addictions, among others. 

Dress to impress 

Now with narcissism, this ‘social camouflaging’ has a completely different cause, look, and goal. Yes, there’s an underlying emotion of insecurity but, as opposed to how it is experienced by people dealing with PTSD, CPTSD, ADHD, and Autism, this insecurity is not coming from the inside out. The insecurity the narcissist is experiencing comes from the outside in and has become a nasty personality trait over time. 

A narcissist finds his or her security in having a beautiful car, a big house, or a glamorous job, for others to look up to him or her. At the moment they think they are losing this material stuff, this external glamour, for people to say “wow,  you are amazing!” they think and feel that they are ‘a nobody’.  By means the narcissist experiencing this insecurity (losing control over people and/or a situation), he/she starts masking in a manner that is truly hurtful to their victims. 

Due to the narcissist living in an altered reality they, according to their mind, gain this feeling of no longer being important or, not being the center of the attention and start to reflect their insecurity on those around them by criticizing them (Hypocrisy) in the most sadistic manner they think of is necessary to gain back the public esteem.  And, some of the things that a narcissist is pretty good at are wearing the victim badge, blame-shifting, triangulation, and creating false narratives. This is their way of hiding their true selves…from themselves! 

Over time they have mastered these behaviors and perfected masking. And so, unfortunately, a huge amount of people start to believe or are believing instantly, their false selves and false narratives.  Those who are dealing with, or have done so in the past, the masking behaviours of the narcissist in one way or another, understand that these people and their narratives were absolutely false and sometimes even based on other people’s experiences. 

In the past years, I had the privilege to speak and meet with people who are, in one way or another, experiencing a form of ‘social insecurity’.  They are hiding their true feelings, thoughts, or personality in order to fit in into a society that has agreed on behaviors and thought expressions that are considered to be ‘normal’. And one of the things I learned over time is, that in a moment that you understand and recognize this behavior, this hiding of people their personality, you need to slow down and figure out what is the reason for that particular person to use this form of masking. And, create a comfortable and relaxed environment where people can voice their thoughts and emotions at their own pace. 

I am excited to see this shift in perception. The world is slowly starting to recognize the many reasons why people are masking and understand these differences in ADHD, PTSD, CPTSD, and Autism for what they are: Differences, not deficits or flaws. 

As the world starts to accept and understand neurodiversity, routinely see unmasked neurodivergent behaviors, and have these behaviors normalized, hopefully, those who are dealing with these conditions (ADHD, PTSD, CPTSD, and Autism) feel more comfortable and safe, taking off their masks. 

*  I want to make this clear though, taking off your mask does not mean that you are absolved of any consequences. You still live in a society with other people and your actions and behaviors might affect others. “I shouldn’t have to mask” doesn’t mean I can be a jerk. I’m not advocating for that. I am speaking of behaviors that don’t hurt anyone like rocking, playing with fidget toys in a way that’s not distracting to others, and sitting weird in your chair at work.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Maria Anna van Driel

Maria is an Investigative Journalist & Reporter (member of the DVPJ-German Association of Journalists) covering non-fictional stories where modern science and myth meet, to find the scientific truth and proof concerning the origin of evolution in general. Maria is also a published writer and Theoretical Physicist having a Bachelor’s in Metaphysics and a MA in ancient Alchemy.

After you have dug deep inside yourself and gathered the courage to contact a therapist in your near with the request for help, you receive an automatic email with the message that is beyond any expectation, deplorable! Your email is categorized as ‘spam’!

Receiving such an email literally happened to me last year after contacting a German website that claims to be there for those who are dealing with the manipulations, lies, and delusions of a narcissist on a daily basis.  Why did I receive this robotic reply? Perhaps my email signature has caused this. Perhaps it is an electronic error and they don’t know that their system is sending out these kinds of automatic replies. Perhaps the content of my email was too objective, written too much in a clinical form, which made them think that I am nothing more than an ‘attention seeker’.  (with an attention seeker I mean someone who has to take the center stage in each situation. Someone who is demanding that all eyes have to be on him or her. And if not, they put up a dramatic show to bring the attention back to them)

Either way, receiving an email containing the message that your story is not to be found credible is far from what you want to read and, can create an incredibly deep dent in one’s self-confidence.  These kinds of robotic reactions, intended or not, do have the power of creating another psychological blow, a new invisible injury people can add to the ones they already have gathered over time.  It shows that some, who are practicing in the field of modern psychology, have yet to take the journey through the mind of those who have a strong sense of ‘self’ and are able to use ‘reflective thinking’.

Now, it is very easy to criticize people and only pinpoint in a negative direction saying, “You are doing it wrong!” But let’s be honest, it is often very difficult recognizing the difference between someone who is voicing his/her thoughts and emotions spawned from a real trauma experienced and, the fantasies (perhaps gathered from watching too many movies or, heard from others speaking about their experiences) of someone who is only seeking the attention for the wrong purposes.

What has even a higher level of difficulty is, detecting the moment a master manipulator (e.g. a narcissist) is providing you the right material for you to believe their delusional mind and become their prop. These, and many more, ‘ingredients’ are inside that person but you don’t necessarily see it right upfront. These individuals can cover up their true intentions for quite some time when they engage with people. But, sooner or later, you will find out that those characteristics have been there for the duration. And so you are over there thinking why didn’t I see it?

So, how can we determine the foggy line between what is ‘real’ and what is downright a mirrored behavior? Straightforward, those who are truly dealing with the nasty effects of  PTSD and/or CPTSD will speak with you about possibilities while recalling the event(s) and use reflective thinking. Those who are wearing the ‘victim badge’ will speak to you with what they believe are facts while blaming and criticizing others for everything that has gone wrong in their life.

What is real and what is not 

Personally, I think that the secret is recognizing the difference between those who are living in an altered reality and those who are truly dealing with and trying to overcome, the effects of PTSD and CPTSD lies in their body language.

Unfortunately, many therapists have, over time, developed this narrowness that is setting the scene for them not looking to reality. Most therapists are looking for or triggered by, the behaviors they are most familiar with and fit their pre-opinion on how one should behave according to the outdated literature. This makes a therapist an easy target to become a prop for anyone who is only seeking an opportunity to collect data and perfecting their ‘victim badge’.

So, how to make a distinction between what is real and what is not? The ‘reality’ in this matter lies with those who don’t prefer any attention to what looks like them being pet as a puppy. 9 out of 10 times this makes them feel uncomfortable and not taken seriously. Also, even when their voice might tremble from time to time, these people, when given the time, (not to be confused with an awkward silence) are capable of voicing their thoughts and emotions about what they have experienced or, are still experiencing. They analyze why and how their own mind is processing the information stored (self-reflection).  They want to make sense of the situation or situations but get slightly confused due to the fact that their thoughts are swirling in circles. Like with the Ouroboros, there is no end and there is no beginning. And so, it feels like the situation is unsolvable or, on the edge of escalating (PRE-Traumatic-Stress).

With ‘non-reality’ I mean, those people who are master manipulators (with narcissism for instance). They manipulate people’s minds in order to have control over their victim’s behavior which is in many cases no illusion at all. Their fantasies are truly creating victims. These people, living in their altered reality, are seeking attention for their fake narratives and they don’t care who or what they have to trample on to gain this.

There is a whole category of those who are only seeking attention but, in a nutshell, they are making things up to suit their narratives like copying the well-known and familiar behaviors accompanied with PTSD and CPTSD. Most will, on their own accord, propose to the therapist to prescribe the medication(s) only to show the packages, with a smile, to anyone who is willing to listen with empathy. This empathy is, unfortunately, supporting their narrative and thus are, in their mind, justified in criticizing and belittling anyone who has question marks about why they are so proud of having a small pharmacy. “I know that you don’t care about me, you never did! Luckily others do!”

A different approach requires experience

Experience (noun)

1. practical contact with and observation of facts or events.
2. an event or occurrence which leaves an impression on someone.

Let me stir up your emotions and perhaps kill your weekend for a brief moment…even though you, as a therapist, might have, say, two decades of practice experiences working with people who are dealing with the after-effects of a traumatic event, your knowledge, with all due respect, will only scrape the surface when your client is a 1^st responder.

Now, don’t get me wrong, you should not throw your training and knowledge in the trashcan right away. Your years of experience are working perfectly for many. What I am saying is, at the moment a 1^st responder is sitting across you it is very easy to look out for obvious behaviours like the low lows, the high highs, and the eerie silences.  But have you ever looked for the ‘invisible’ stressors that is triggering their ‘out-of-the-ordinary’ behavior?

Let me give you an example of these invisible stressors that might sound a bit of a strange comparison. Imagine a dog, any dog…it is a loyal and playful animal that is sleeping on the sofa while you watch a movie, read a book, or work behind your laptop. Then, suddenly, it jumps up, its ears are standing up straight and its eyes are focused on the door. The dog is sniffing a tricky situation, perhaps a dangerous one. Within a few seconds, its behavior has changed dramatically. Its gaze is rigid and sharp and the playfulness has transformed into an almost intense calmness. When observing this behavior, many will recognize it as an aggressive warning…one wrong move and the dog might attack.

This is similar to 1^st responders in general. I mean, at the moment a police officer, for instance, finds him/herself in a situation in which he/she needs to focus on his/her surrounding, similar alertness can be observed.

By means of the therapist not having enough experience(s) with the invisible stressors triggering this alertness with a 1^st responder (including their mindset), he/she will meet with the difficulty of understanding them suddenly focusing this visible. The therapist might experience this as a form of aggression or, distancing (creating borders) that, according to outdated literature, should be broken in order for the client’s mind to start healing from the traumatic event(s).

Thinking that this is aggression or distancing, which is not the case, the therapist will change his/her behavior what, in most cases, will, unlike many civilians, push the police officer (in this example) away simply because he/she is trained to read and respond to the changes in both human body language and the intonations in one’s voice.

Did you see the stressor that has triggered the police officer to convert his/her behavior from being willing to talk to observing a potentially suspicious situation? It was the subtle change in the therapist’s body language, intonation…even the eyes can be a trigger.

So, how to work with 1^st responders and, avoid these kinds of situations as much as you can? As I mentioned in my previous articles, I was a cop myself therefore, from my personal point of view, I think that a therapist who is working with 1^st responders, should not be afraid of explaining why his/her behavior has changed that suddenly. Be honest about what is going on. Not only will it reduce the alertness, but it will also build a stronger relationship between the therapist and the 1^st responders.

How do you reach them?

It is very easy to generalize the human mind and thus the thoughts and behaviours spawn from a traumatic event. But working with e.g. police officers, paramedics, firefighters, military personnel, recognizing and understanding their body language is not sufficient.

Many therapists don’t include the fact that 1^st responders are, in many cases, psychologists themselves due to the fact they are not only dealing with blood-thirsty perpetrators but also with victims. This way of thinking, and thus the accompanied behaviour, is, and I don’t mean this in disdain, seen less with civilians. Meaning, 1^st responders have a strong sense of ‘self’ which makes them view/experience many situations from a clinical/professional point of view and are therefore less likely to crawl into a corner, publicly.

For example, recently I spoke with a young German soldier (21) who, from my perspective, showed an ‘out-of-place’ behavior early in the evening. By this I mean, he showed an odd way of avoidance when political topics were discussed. This drew my attention and so, I observed this young soldier and listen to what he was not saying. It quickly became clear to me that he had, during the last months, made a connection between political powers and the impending war in Ukraine.

During our conversation later that evening he said and I quote, “I don’t know if my colleagues are feeling the same but if they do, they are hiding it very well. I don’t show it to my girlfriend but, I am terrified. I might be, in a couple of weeks, at the front-line and die in a war that’s not even mine! I am fucking 21 man! I wish there was someone who could take away this fear.”  Suddenly the movie “Good morning Vietnam” came to mind.

Although it might sound all very logical because no one wants to die let alone under horrifying conditions as such, a ‘confession’ as such – it takes a lot of courage to drop your guard, even for a few minutes –  has no other direction to travel than straight through the heart.  Still, there is this one thing many forget is happening with this 21-year-old soldier, perhaps even dismissing its reality because nothing had happened yet.  God forbid that it will but, when the moment arrives this war is the fact, he, like many of his colleagues, will go into combat traumatized.

PRE-Traumatic Stress Disorder (an anticipatory type of stress that mirrors post-traumatic stress disorder in its symptoms. In both cases, someone can experience flashbacks, nightmares, severe anxiety, and obsessively thinking about an event) this is not an official psychological disorder in the DSM-5 but, looking into the eyes of this young soldier while speaking these words, one can only disagree with this Manual of psychological Disorders.

Night terrors and PRE-TSD are scary but normal

Flashbacks, nightmares, anxieties, and/or not being able to remove the thoughts of a ‘pre’ or ‘post-traumatic’ event from your mind, is a normal process when the images have become your demons. Scary demons spawn from unusual moments.

Let’s place these very, very unpleasant images, thoughts, and emotions at the moment your mind is in a dream-state, under a magnifying glass. In other words, the fragile moment when you are asleep and your brain has the freedom to process everything in its own particular way. You ‘viewing’ any ‘pre’ or ‘post’ situation in your dreams, is logical and perfectly healthy. And even though some psychologists label these bizarre and surrealistic objects created by your mind as a form of Gestalt-processing, it simply speaks of you having a strong and stable mind. Your brain is doing its job in processing the information absorbed…even the scary data.

I think this is what we see happening with military personnel, police officers, medical staff, who have/had to deal with those situations most people do not have to experience this frequently. I think that a form of emotional distancing is speaking of a healthy mind simply trying to survive.  Unfortunately, there are people who have difficulties with processing it all…perhaps, and I saying this with caution, they have not learned how to express their emotions with words (spoken and/or written).  I think that at the moment one has learned this ability to use words instead of actions, to express him/herself, the image or situation viewed becomes more logical and thus easier to process.

This, in my opinion, are exactly what these dreams are, a  follow-up after witnessing a traumatic event. Your dreams are the remnants of what you have already processed on a consciousness level. It is just your mind smoothing up your memory by…um well, kicking out the last bit of nasty things. And yes, these moments are pretty intense.

For example, I once saw, in a dream, a bright flash and heard a loud bang. I woke up in a sweat. My heartbeat was sky-high because I was convinced I was shot. I literally checked myself for bullet holes and blood, that vivid it was to me.  Another time I woke up in full panic screaming “It’s not real, it’s not real!”. I cannot remember what the images were in my dream for me to wake up in this panicked state. But I do remember viewing my bedroom as if I was in a B&W movie from the 40ths.

Anyway, I fully understand how these terrifying dreams can have a particular grip on you. But, as soon as you find yourself analyzing and voicing your dreams with awareness, you have learned how to work with your subconsciousness and thus understand how to take the time to digest and break down the information absorbed.

And so, it is of huge importance for modern psychology not to stick to the well-known behaviors and lump people’s reactions onto one pile but to understand and recognize the differences between what is real and what is not. Because, when the non-reality is observed but, for whatever reason, is kept silent, it destroys the path for those who are truly fighting the demons spawn from (pre) trauma.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Maria Anna van Driel

Maria is an Investigative Journalist & Reporter (member of the DVPJ-German Association of Journalists) covering non-fictional stories where modern science and myth meet, to find the scientific truth and proof concerning the origin of evolution in general. Maria is also a published writer and Theoretical Physicist having a Bachelor’s in Metaphysics and a MA in ancient Alchemy.

You are not your trauma!   

As I mentioned in my previous articles, “Suck it Up and Get Over it Princes!” and “PTSD: Your Condition is Not Your Conclusion” I myself am dealing with the effects of PTSD as well as the non-stop psychological blows, aka CPTSD, caused by a narcissist. On the latter, me living under the same roof with a narcissist since 2009 is something that I became to understand in the second week of Nov. 2020. Unfortunately, by means of experiencing this psychological abuse for such a long time, I have developed a behavior that looks like narcissism but is far from it. Going Grey-rock is the professional term for this behavior. In Nov. 2021, I started to realize that I might have been living under this umbrella my entire life. But this is something for another article.

Anyway, for years I lived with this question screaming in the back of my mind, “Why me?! Why did I have to battle through these dozens and dozens of nasty events for years?” Then, in the last months of 2021, it suddenly hit me…by means of all that I have experienced, I, like many who are facing the rollercoaster effects, seem to have huge advances. And so I, recently, started to write about PTSD, CPTSD, and related topics and set a goal for becoming a psychotherapist for adults and first responders who are dealing with PTSD and CPTSD (this goal is still in its infant moments meaning, I still have a long path to travel).

I hope that my personal story, thoughts, and self-study concerning PTSD, CPTSD, and narcissism, might be of some support for those who are battling those nasty and terrifying demons…from the in- and outside.

PTSD, CPTSD and Cognitive Distancing

So, how can we recognize the differences between PTSD and CPTSD? Well, from a clinical point of view: PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a condition officially recognized in 1980 to describe exposure to one or two relatively brief but devastating events. Complex PTSD, recognized in 1994, describes exposure to something equally devastating but contains myriad psychic blows occurring for a very long time which simply do not seem to stop. On the latter, this can be emotional neglect, humiliation, (cyber) bullying, physical violence, criticism, among others, which can cause a disrupted attachment with someone.

Now, when we pour it more in a personal bowl it suddenly becomes more chaotic and sometimes even surrealistic because your thoughts and emotions do not always seem to communicate with each other in a coherent manner. Not that you are unable to glue an emotion to memory, on the contrary. Sometimes it simply feels more as if your emotions and thoughts do not correlate with the images from your past. It might even feel as if you are watching a movie while experiencing the synthetic emotions described by the reviews. This can be highly confusing but can be simply explained as, your brain experiencing a form of  ‘cognitive distancing’.

But why does your brain do this? In a nutshell, when merging the emotion with the memory, reality kicks in and creates a feeling of discomfort. You could think in this of a therapist confronting a client to the horrifying details of a traumatic event over and over again, a psychological shock therapy but without sending the electrical volts through your brain.

Your brain wants to survive, you want to survive. And so, you, almost automatically, step into this state of cognitive distancing to avoid this feeling of discomfort.  Speaking from my personal experiences, don’t worry about it. Just scroll, so to speak, through those images and emotions when you are ready to do so and, at your own pace. One day everything will fall into place like a puzzle which makes it much easier for you to view back, to speak about it and, accept that this event, or events, is a part of you as a human being.

A ‘taboo’ topic. 

When we are looking at the moment(s) in which someone tries to explain the hard work in straightening the path of an unhinged roller coaster caused by PTSD and/or CPTSD, the social reactions are very real, often cruel, and sometimes have a dangerous outcome like people committing suicide or, committing murder.

It is all very scary, more so because many experts publicly keep quiet and follow the scientific method. I fully understand that many experts do not want to make mistakes by writing incorrect literature but, this silence has, without a doubt, the power to create narrowness and thus a huge gap in sharing research findings with peers what in turn leaves therapists groping in the dark for fitting treatment.

Keeping quiet in a personal scene (not being open with a client or, not responding to ‘a knock on the door’), is an incorrect way to respond and might even be experienced by some as an indirect behavior in ‘ghosting’, a behavior described, by some mental health professionals, as a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse or cruelty.

Therapists acting only robotically or objective during a session is, in many cases, increasing the effects of confusion with their client(s). People who are visiting you as a therapist might feel that they are not really heard which awakens the more negative emotions and increases the chance that they will stop talking in total. This turns the cause/source of this whole tragedy of people committing psychological or physical self-harm, into an even bigger taboo or mystery. And so, lots of people are looking unnecessary into the abyss of their own psyche, wandering the world as undiagnosed sufferers of e.g. ‘Complex PTSD’. And even though many feel, know, that this isn’t a good path to walk, modern psychology simply does not have a term to capture the problem that connects with your ailments. And so, the treatment you are seeking, feel comfortable with, is simply not provided.

What fails?

Straightforward? The understanding of a second or third party. And with ‘understanding’ I mean the variation in behaviors and ways of thinking. Just as events are not all the same, people, their thoughts and behaviors are not the same, even though they all fall into the same jar labeled ‘trauma’.

It is not an easy task to overcome your anxieties, your dreams, your emotions. But, and this we need to keep in mind, it is also not always easy for family, friends, colleagues, to understand and react to the visible behaviours of someone who is dealing with PTSD and/or CPTSD. Let alone them reading the subtle reaction of you saying “I am doing fine” when they ask “How are you doing?” Hearing a contra intonation in your voice can get highly confusing not to say that is might be very scary for some to react to you. For some people, it’s like watching someone not reacting while touching their psychological skin that obviously has been burned and bruised. And, it creeps them out.

Therefore, it is important for you to learn how to voice your thoughts and emotions in your own words and, at your own pace. And yes, it might be that some people, of who you have always considered being a friend, are walking away after a while. But let’s be honest, do you really want to explain the same thing over and over again, staying in that same scene, in that same experience what is giving you these nasty emotions? Do you really want to convince the minds of those people who are doubting your experience(s) because some details are a bit blurry for you? Do you truly want to, need to, convince others for hours, days, weeks, that your brain has gone into a self-protection-program meaning, there are some gaps in your memory?

No, you don’t! If these people feel the need to walk out on you, let them. You already have enough to deal with and that is where your focus should be…on the journey of your personal healing process and, at your own pace.

So, what is creating people to turn their backs, to create a huge distance? Personally, I think that it’s twofold. It could be that these people are dealing with certain ‘demons’ themselves but, whatever the reason might be, are scared to speak about it and thus try to avoid any confrontation.

Another possibility might be is that, by means of the media providing only scientific information, what is only scarping the surface of PTSD and CPTSD and known already for decades, many instantly think that as soon as you say that you are dealing with these psychological injuries (working on overcoming it), you are mentally ill and thus ‘trouble’ or an ‘insecure factor’ on the work floor. This is not the case at all, better said…that’s BS! Sure, you will go through several unpleasant and rough moments in which you, among others, show and express strong emotions and deep thoughts, but that is far from being you causing others troubles. A psychopathic serial killer knocking at your front door…now THAT is trouble!

So again, these friendships you have lost, or might lose, over time, and this might sound harsh…weren’t friendships in the first place. Those people who stuck/stick with you during the tough moments, those you could/can call in the middle of the night, are the people you want to have in your life because…they are honest. They understand emotions, have patience, and are willing to listen. These are the people who know how to have healthy relationships regardless of whether it is a private or work relationship.

CPTSD might be the cause

A frequently asked question, “What is the cause of people harming themselves?”  From a personal but psychological point of view, I think that PTSD is not causing people to commit suicide but hiding the emotions and scares caused by the mental abuse aka CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).   PTSD is the stress, anxieties, panic attacks, negative thoughts, among others, experienced but can, in many cases, be reduced to almost zero with the proper guidance from a therapist and/or with the support from family and friends. Or completely under your own power.

CPTSD on the other hand…even though this condition contains from the same ingredients, so to speak, is experienced on a more intense level by means of it is kept being fed (being maintained – non-stop) with dozens of smaller psychological blows over a long period of time which amplifies the already existing anxieties caused by PTSD.

This psychological abuse is, unfortunately, often only noticed in the moment the actions of the perpetrator are leaving behind visible evidence e.g. a black eye or a broken limb (domestic violence). This is because many victims are scared to speak about this form of abuse or, feel ashamed. But the invisible injuries of PTSD can also be converted into CPTSD when someone is left alone (no reaction/a dismissive silence from ones surrounding) or, the opposite reaction from one’s surroundings namely, belittling someone because they are going through a rough time.

A final word

Odd as it might sound to you in this very moment, your voice can inspire those who are still fighting their demons in silence. So, be brave and try to break the silence by voicing your story, your experiences.

Because, at the moment one’s mind is constantly occupied with the external dangers, they become highly alert (similar behaviours can be seen with those who have been, for instance, kidnapped and held captive for a long period by psychopaths). By means of this ‘high alertness’ the feeling of being on the edge, being in danger, every second of the day, is creating e.g. severe panic attacks, sleep disorders, deep negative thoughts, which are, eventually, being converted into people desperately wanting to flee the continuous incoming psychological pain in one way or another.

Sadly to say but the very fact is that some people experienced this huge psychological pressure for them to be convinced that their only a way to escape the CPTSD in PTSD, aka the non-stopping psychic blows, was committing suicide.

So, personally, I am of the opinion that 7 out of 10 times, CPTSD is the cause for people to harm themselves psychologically, e.g. not speaking about their experience(s) or substance abuse, or physical, e.g. cutting themselves or, taking their own lives, not PTSD.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Maria Anna van Driel

Maria is an Investigative Journalist & Reporter (member of the DVPJ-German Association of Journalists) covering non-fictional stories where modern science and myth meet, to find the scientific truth and proof concerning the origin of evolution in general. Maria is also a published writer and Theoretical Physicist having a Bachelor’s in Metaphysics and a MA in ancient Alchemy.

You have no clue when or how but, somehow you have slid into this odd air bubble filled with millions and millions of thoughts still, a deafening silence is what you hear when focusing on these thoughts.  Dozens of familiar and uncontrolled memories are flashing by still, somehow you do not quite recognize them. Even though you know that these thoughts and images are yours, being your past, it feels as if you hear and view someone else’s memories of which some even look as if they are written by an award-winning scriptwriter of the latest horror movie Netflix is broadcasting.

Against your better judgment, you try to get a grip on yourself but, whatever you do, your emotions and thoughts are one big mess! Where you once felt super excited you now feel numb. You are constantly alert, you lose your focus, and have trouble sleeping, “What the heck is going on, am I going nuts?!” Shame and anxiety start kicking in! “What will my surroundings think of me?  Will they think that I am batshit crazy?”

And so, you crawl into that, metaphorically speaking, ‘dark corner’, keep it all to yourself in silence because you feel that no one will ever understand what you are going through. “How do I explain this vivid effect that seems to have a tremendous impact on my thinking and behavior?” And, after a while, you retreat while trying to make sense of your emotions experiencing a bumpy roller coaster ride.

My personal results after taking the self-assessment “Do I have PTSD?” on the website of http://www.firstrespondersfirst.ca/

Do you recognize these, surface scraping, symptoms? If so, it might be that you, like me, are experiencing a form of Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) what, according to many psychologists, is a mental illness and can be treated by you taking a huge amount of medications after they have been categorized you and, labeled you with a grim sounding disorder.

Even though the common thought of PTSD is involving the exposure of the frightening, stressful, and overwhelming experiences like being in a serious accident, being physically assaulted, being involved in a war – either as a civilian or as part of military operations, being involved in a natural disaster, such as a bushfire, flood or cyclone, being sexually assaulted or abused, it also involves the personal experiences of, among others, military personal, police officers, fireman/woman who are working under huge pressure and in unusual situations. Stories no civilian will hear…officially.

There is no doubt that almost everyone who experiences trauma will be emotionally affected, and there are many different ways in which people will respond. For some, the effects can last for years – or longer.  Luckily most people will recover quite quickly with the help of family and friends. Meaning, the symptoms of PTSD do not always have to last forever and can be reduced even without treatment from a therapist.

On the latter, even though I took this journey and wrote a personal Q&A along the road, it is not what I recommend to anyone as a first solution unless, you are willing to face and break the wall that is hidden deep inside you, surrounding your mind, by yourself.

Question:

From the deepest depths of my soul,

I plead with you, don’t leave me behind.

Alone in these fireless vaults of hell I am,

As I try to break its chains.

Silence is turning into cold emptiness,

Consuming me

The sound of my heart breaking becomes loud,

While my screams are fading

In these dark and echoless vaults.

Answer:

When time is being ripped apart, shattering the doubles glass walls, a ruin of illusions is what remains after the blast has removed the roof from this safe room. A cold and dim place has emerged, blazed away a sparkling and fairy journey…pushing it to the background of evolution. The one comfort within this foggy reality is, when looking back, the time experienced seems never to have taken place, to begin with. A dreamed memory of ‘time’, is an eerie concept indeed.

There was a time when I was in a really dark place

To unpack my story so that you have an idea of who I am and, why I speak with the passion that I speak with… as many know, I am the founder and owner of two scientific magazines with which I try to make science more accessible in a fun way and for all ages.  But I wasn’t always the publisher and editor of The Next Truth.  In my early 20ths, I was an armed, un-uniformed police officer arresting the scumbags. And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like a failure. I actually felt successful and worthy. I felt like I was good enough.

But, as with everything in life, things have a run-up consisting of several little moments that accumulate day after day, week after week, year after year, and, ultimately, affect your behavior, thinking, and thus decisions.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, even though I have witnessed some of the grimmest and gory moments life has to offer, joining the force wasn’t a bad decision. At least, that’s what I realize today.

So, how did I, as a sensitive and empathic kid, end up in an invisible but armed team that was focused on arresting and interrogating, among others, drug dealers, human traffickers, psychopathic killers, (potential) bombers? Well, even though it is an entirely different story, in a nutshell, from a very young age I was taught to be silent, to place myself in the back-row and give others the stage.  After a while I stopped participating in social activities and, when it was time to say something, I wasn’t able to make any sound because of this fear of someone going to ‘teach’ me, in public, I was not good enough to gain any positive attention let alone to stand in the spotlights.

Anyway, skipping the details of the ordinary police training, I, approximately one year after leaving the classroom, found myself walking full-time in this team that was ready to kick your ass in a non-empathic and non-emotional manner. Better said, ‘I’ was now the one who was telling ‘them’ to be quiet, sit in the back-row, and give me the stage. I wasn’t that weak and silent duckling anymore! Needless to say that everything went according to the legal rules but I had this mindset of, “You f*ck*d up by breaking the law, taking someone’s life, and spreading injustice among the innocent…now I am entitled to drag your pathetic little ass all the way to jail!”

Over time, and this is only scraping the surface, I have participated in several of these deployments, experiencing several injuries. As well as viewing an avalanche of photo and film material showing, among others, sexual abuse of minors (some with horrifying endings), female drug smugglers who had cut open baby’s and used them as packing material.

I was there when several divers from the local fire department, carried several garbage bags with myriad body parts on shore, I witnessed someone overdosing, committing suicide – one by hanging and the other one (who was a police officer herself) shot herself through the head in the cafeteria of the police station. And, I was in a firefight which was also my very last activity due to the fact that, during this, a dear and close colleague lost his life.  An event that I blamed myself for because I had not expressed my gut feeling. To this day I still feel this guilt of which I am fully aware of, will never fade away 100%.

So, I know, from personal experiences, you are going through some hard times. I know your dreams are not always pretty and that life, at times, might feel rough or you might feel weird or things might be frustrating but it’s not always going to be like this.

Mixed emotions and thoughts are normal after a traumatic experience.

This was almost 3 decades ago and I have accepted that this nasty feeling of guilt will always be somewhere in the background of my mind. But even though I am, today, able to cope with 95% of it all, for years I found myself in a really, really weird and dark place. I struggled with my own alcohol abuse. I was hurt, I felt stuck and depressed. I felt weak and fought questions like, What is the purpose of life? Why am I here?  I felt like I could not fit in anymore.

I kind of felt like, well, people don’t really understand my story. They don’t come from where I come from and so I build a wall up. But you know what knocked over a huge part of that wall down? It was the patience and support some people gave me after almost 11 months of silent self-reflection that made me understand my own thoughts and the behaviors accompanied. And it took me several months more for finding the strength to step forward with my story.

Meta-cognition is a recovery

I know you are going through some hard times. I know life at times might feel rough or you might feel weird or things might be frustrating. I have been there. And, every now and then, I still am struggling with the gory details and the feeling of guilt.  But, you know what? I learned that I am not alone in this…you are not in this by yourself. And even you might feel like an empty vessel, there is still so much more power inside you to make a positive impact on someone’s life.

Yes, sometimes people develop negative thoughts about themselves, other people, and the world in general. These thoughts and feelings of, for instance, sadness, confusion, anger, usually lift as they start to come to terms with and recover from the traumatic event. But for some people though, a traumatic event can lead to mental health issues such as posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, alcohol and drug use, as well as impacting on their relationships with family, friends, and at work.

And, even though some think it is the ‘right’ path to walk, recovering from trauma does not mean forgetting your experience or, not feeling any emotional pain when reminded of the event. Recovery means becoming less distressed and having more confidence in your ability to cope as time goes on. Your mindset, your belief system are everything.

And so I am writing this article to tell you, you are not crazy. It is the lack of understanding and acceptance from those whose psyche has not been in those places yours have. Your backpack is filled with experience most psychologists simply cannot understand, so they are trying to impose their own framework on people whose psychology has experienced working under severe pressure and quick decision making in unusual situations.

What do we do with this opportunity that we have?

Life can be hard, life can be rough. You might feel like you have been pushed down in the dirt like people have been stomping on you and stuff has been raining on you but you didn’t realize you were just a seed. You have not been pushed down in the dirt and stomped on. You have been planted and placed in this pot for a reason.

And here is the beautiful thing about you, while you are going through your process, trying to navigate these waters, and still trying to tweak some stuff within yourself, you still got the power to save somebody else’s life. You got the power to speak up for others. You got the power to be the voice of reason for someone who might be on the verge of doing something they should not do. You have the power to brighten somebody’s day. Your words and energy are powerful for you to make an impact. You can make a difference by you just being unapologetically you.

Now I know you cannot always control what happens to you. But you can control how you respond to it.  Just keep in mind, your condition is not your conclusion.

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Maria Anna van Driel

Maria is an Investigative Journalist & Reporter (member of the DVPJ-German Association of Journalists) covering non-fictional stories where modern science and myth meet, to find the scientific truth and proof concerning the origin of evolution in general. Maria is also a published writer and Theoretical Physicist having a Bachelor’s in Metaphysics and a MA in ancient Alchemy.