Three top tips from a Gestalt Psychotherapist

So many relationships come unstuck. Not only romantic, but those shared with family, friends, and colleagues. Often, we don’t know what — or where it — went wrong until the bond has broken beyond repair.

My gut feeling is that the cause of many relationship breakdowns is that we don’t know how to communicate with one another. We’ve never really been taught. And so the connection is poor, communication is shaky — if it’s there at all — and people get lost in their own worlds.

It’s an easy pattern to fall into and before you know it, the early bad habit turns into everyday behaviour. After years of this, a relationship can really fall apart.

Does the following sound familiar?

What people tend to do — the bad habit they slide into — is half-listening: ‘listening’ while you are busy doing something else.

Picture this. Your partner comes home from work and begins telling you what happened to them — a significant thing that is troubling them — and you are busy washing the dishes and so you are distracted. You aren’t looking at them and you are barely taking in what they are saying.

Or this (this is something we are especially guilty of when our children are trying to talk to us). Your child comes home from school, animatedly trying to describe what happened to them in the playground that day and you start moving around the house while they run around after you in a sort of interrupted way, eager to finish their ‘story’. We don’t give them the fullness of our attention and so we are only half listening; busy with something else rather than devoting our time to the actual hearing.

And even if we are not occupied with some task or another, what we tend to do — another bad habit — is compare our day to theirs; interjecting or interrupting with “well, this is what I think” and “why don’t you do that?”

None of this can be described as good listening.

Ok, so how do you really listen?

Some years ago I took early retirement from medicine as a practising GP and Gestalt Psychotherapist and set about exploring alternative healing methods — other ways to heal people mentally and emotionally. I created a modality, QEC, that works with the subconscious mind to heal past traumas and change limiting beliefs permanently.

For this method to be effective, our practitioners need to (really) hear the client’s story. We need to hear what has been going on, and what has been troubling them. And so one of the things I teach them is the Gestalt dialogic process; dialogic means “to listen”.

I will now share with you the top-line components of that same process. The three steps you can follow to really hear your partner — or your child, your friend — and therefore improve your relationships.

Sit up to attention

The first thing to do is to sit comfortably.

You are relaxed, you are not busy doing something else like writing or paying attention to the paper or looking at the TV (you get the idea). No, instead you are paying full attention; you are granting your partner, or your child, your teenager, your full attention.

This in itself is so respectful that you will have earned their attention. They will be so delighted when you do that. I promise you, from experience, it has a powerful effect.

The second thing you need to do is hear them. Don’t interrupt and maintain visual contact (if it is comfortable for them); look at them. And then simply listen. Only speak if you need something to be expanded a little bit — if they say, “I’ve had a bad day at work” and then pause, you might say “well tell me more, what was bad about it”.

Ask questions to expand the topic when appropriate, but other than that, you don’t interrupt, you don’t get involved, you just sit back, and you respectfully listen. You listen and when they have finished sharing, you feedback on what you have heard. This shows that you have heard them. You were tuned in.

Feeding back is important. Unless we do that, how do they know that we have really heard? Your mind might have been off somewhere else altogether.

If relevant, you could say something along the lines of, “you know I really see; I see the trouble you’re in. I’ve really heard what you’ve shared with me and what I understand is that this is a repetition of a situation that’s been happening at school almost every week isn’t it?”

By saying “I see” “I hear you” and “I understand” you will be offering the person you are listening to a gift; you are showing them that you care. And what you will notice is that they come to you more often, they will want to share because they know you are really listening. You really have heard them; you care what they have to say.

That is what listening does, it shows you care.

It says, “I think you are valuable; you are worth hearing and I care”. It is the strong foundation for any relationship, from intimate partners to employer and employee, between mum and child, and between friends.

So, to recap:

1. Sit comfortably, give them your undivided attention
2. Hear them, don’t interrupt, but listen to their cues
3. Feedback on what they have just said to you once they have finished sharing

Try it out. See if you can stop doing whatever it is you’re doing, give your attention fully for the few minutes it takes to hear the conversation — or longer (you may find that the conversation, once you’ve been present for this person, will evolve into a much more in-depth discussion) — and then you really are being of service, you really are being of help.

If you’d like to know more about QEC, click here.

If you’re interested in becoming a certified QEC Practitioner, bookings are now open for our September training, accredited by the International Institute for Complementary Therapists. CPTSD Foundation readers receive 10% off using discount code: CPTSD2022

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Dr Melanie Salmon

Medical doctor, Gestalt psychotherapist, TRE trainer, trauma specialist and teacher, I have committed my life to the exploration and practice of healing.

During my 40 years in medicine, I became increasingly frustrated with the limited ability for pharmaceutical drugs to treat the cause of health issues including psycho-emotional conditions in my patients. To me, it became clear that these problems were related to a dysfunctional nervous system caused by unresolved and unhealed trauma. This understanding led me to leave medicine to seek out a better way.

In 2008 I found it. Combining the best from many modalities including Gestalt psychotherapy, neuroscience, and epigenetics – drawing inspiration from both the traditional and modern – I created Quantum Energy Coaching (QEC), revolutionising the way we approach healing. A simple, yet profoundly effective method that works with the subconscious mind, QEC is a clinically usable tool that heals the effects of past trauma and changes limiting beliefs rapidly and safely.

Following early success, QEC soon established a global following, inspiring me to offer training in the methodology and to build a team of practitioners who today, use it to heal thousands all around the world from the most traumatised to those simply wanting to live their fullest lives.

My debut autobiography, There Has to Be Another Way, is available to buy at all good online retailers.

qecliving.com/

Fortunately, we are a little wiser now. Much research has been carried out on clinicians whose work brings them into daily contact with those who have suffered trauma.

Compassion fatigue is characterised by physical and emotional exhaustion and a decrease in the ability to empathise. It is a form of secondary Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), with the stress occurring as a result of helping, or wanting to help, those who are in need. It is often referred to as ‘the cost of caring’ for others who are in physical or emotional pain.

While it is not uncommon to hear compassion fatigue referred to as burnout, the conditions are not the same. Compassion fatigue is more treatable than burnout and I believe it is the early warning sign of a dysregulated Autonomic Nervous System (ANS), telling us it is in danger of developing burnout. Burnout signifies adrenal fatigue and, eventually, adrenal failure.

Some years ago I took early retirement from medicine as a practising GP and Gestalt Psychotherapist and set about exploring alternative healing methods — other ways to heal people mentally and emotionally. I created a modality, QEC, that works with the subconscious mind to heal past traumas and change limiting beliefs permanently.

QEC has always taught that the emphasis of clinical practice needs to be on self-care and addressing one’s own needs first.

Compassion Fatigue Research

Research found in ‘Helping till it hurts?’ by Kyle D Killian [1] shows that clinicians in the helping professions who are regularly exposed to traumatic compassion fatigue in their work, do best when they have access to social support and the protective function of supervision to process the secondary trauma of their own work. It indicated that a lack of awareness of stress led to more serious burnout and that education and advice on self-care was crucial.

Stress factors identified in this study – from most common down:

1. High caseload demands and/or ‘workaholism’
2. Personal history of trauma
3. Lack of regular access to supervision
4. Lack of control in the working environment
5. Lack of a supportive social network, social isolation
6. Worldview e.g. overabundance of optimism, or cynicism. Those with a spiritual belief system did best
7. Ability to recognise and meet one’s own needs – having self-awareness

Compassion Fatigue in Practitioners

How can we best prevent compassion fatigue and burnout?

The emphasis of clinical practice needs to be on self-care and addressing one’s own needs first. At this time, in particular, it seems that an abundance of people accessing therapeutic help are traumatised.

Many are severely traumatised, and some are even suicidal. It behooves us therefore to be most vigilant, at this time, with our own mental health, so that we are able to be fully present with challenging clients. We need to know the signs and symptoms of overwhelm in ourselves to become aware and to engage in timely prevention of burnout.

Signs and Symptoms of Compassion Fatigue leading to Burnout:

• Chronic exhaustion (emotional, physical, or both)
• Reduced feelings of sympathy or empathy
• Dreading working for or taking care of another, and feeling guilty as a result
• Feelings of irritability, anger, or anxiety
• Depersonalisation – i.e. ANS freeze – feeling disconnected and numb
• Hypersensitivity or complete insensitivity to emotional material
• Problems in personal relationships
• Poor work-life balance
• Physical symptoms such as:
• Headaches
• Trouble sleeping
• Weight loss or weight gain
• Impaired decision-making ability

Compassion Fatigue: Overwork

Some of us may be overworking, some even proudly consider ourselves ‘workaholics’. This is usually related to an inability to set healthy boundaries, maybe stemming from past, usually childhood, trauma. We must therefore look at our boundaries, both external and internal if we are suffering from compassion fatigue.

External boundaries:

Questions you could ask yourself:

“Do I have …”

• Good time management e.g. do I take time off between sessions?
• Regulating caseload – do I know when ‘too much’ really is too much?
• Am I able to say NO?
• Do I believe that my needs come first?
• Am I able to maintain a balance between work and rest?
• Do I feel guilty if I take time out from work?
• Do I allow myself to have regular social connections and support?
• Do I attend regular supervision and am I willing to be vulnerable and process my challenges?
• Do I have sufficient control over your work environment?
• Am I doing more than one job?

“If all you are using is emotional empathy, eventually you will run out of this emotion when empathising day after day, hour after hour. It is like an electric pump running without water, eventually, it burns out. You need to bring much wider and different energy to your connection – love and compassion from the heart.” – Matthieu Riccard, Buddhist monk

Internal Boundaries

What is my internal experience when I’m faced with immense suffering in my client?

The challenge here is to remain empathetic, and supportive of others without becoming overly involved in taking on another’s pain. Setting emotional boundaries helps you maintain a connection while still remembering and honouring the fact that you are a separate person, with your own needs.

Resilience

Bouncing back is always an indicator of internal resilience. We now know that resilience is a factor in how healthy and balanced our ANS is. It is vital then if you feel overwhelmed, that you immediately seek help and therapeutically return to optimal neurological balance.

This is something I teach my QEC practitioners; to attend sessions with a fellow practitioner to return to an optimal neurological balance rather than push on in a state of overwhelm.

Remember that your ANS has become overwhelmed for a reason – meaning that it’s likely that you’ve been triggered by your own unhealed trauma. The only way you can remain with a balanced ANS is to work on your trauma, release it, returning your ANS to optimal balance once more. Once more you will be able to have compassion for yourself and your clients.

Remember: seeking therapeutic help is the best strategy we have!

Footnote:

1. Traumatology Vol 14. No 2 June 2008. Ref. Self-Care in Physicians Working with Trauma Survivors

Additional resources:

Why do we work with the subconscious mind?

I recently sat down with Guy Macpherson, host of The Trauma Therapist Project podcast, for an in-depth discussion on treating trauma:

• A look at the traditional way we treat mental health and trauma – what is and isn’t working
• How working with the subconscious actually works: an explanation of the QEC process – technique, results, length of process – from start to finish
• How and why QEC was created – my 40-year career in medicine as a GP, Gestalt Psychotherapist, TRE trainer and trauma specialist

Watch the interview here.

Prefer to listen? You can do so here.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Dr Melanie Salmon

Medical doctor, Gestalt psychotherapist, TRE trainer, trauma specialist and teacher, I have committed my life to the exploration and practice of healing.

During my 40 years in medicine, I became increasingly frustrated with the limited ability for pharmaceutical drugs to treat the cause of health issues including psycho-emotional conditions in my patients. To me, it became clear that these problems were related to a dysfunctional nervous system caused by unresolved and unhealed trauma. This understanding led me to leave medicine to seek out a better way.

In 2008 I found it. Combining the best from many modalities including Gestalt psychotherapy, neuroscience, and epigenetics – drawing inspiration from both the traditional and modern – I created Quantum Energy Coaching (QEC), revolutionising the way we approach healing. A simple, yet profoundly effective method that works with the subconscious mind, QEC is a clinically usable tool that heals the effects of past trauma and changes limiting beliefs rapidly and safely.

Following early success, QEC soon established a global following, inspiring me to offer training in the methodology and to build a team of practitioners who today, use it to heal thousands all around the world from the most traumatised to those simply wanting to live their fullest lives.

My debut autobiography, There Has to Be Another Way, is available to buy at all good online retailers.

qecliving.com/