Trigger Warning: This can cause a trauma response.

When I was little and helpless to escape my abusive environment, my brain formed a rather amazing coping strategy to distract me from the fear and pain. It is a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) called Arithmomania.

For me, it has morphed over time. Back then, I organized and counted spaces around me. I made the counting end symmetrically. It’s too complicated to explain, as it often is for those that formed this type of trauma response.

Today, I put digits in numerical order. Like addresses on mailboxes, digital clocks or license plates.

*See other interesting examples I’ve heard of at the bottom of this post.

OCD is in the Flight Category of the 4Fs

I have Complex PTSD from childhood abuse and ODC is a trauma response that falls under the Flight category (out of the 4 F responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn), according to Pete Walker in his book “CPTSD From Thriving to Surviving”.

It is considered a Flight response because it is a means of distracting the mind from an unbearable reality. While the body was not able to escape, the mind could —through distracting mental processes like Arithmomania. (Note: this can also manifest through compulsively thinking about, organizing and compiling letters and words.)

The Prevalence of OCD

The National Library of Medicine states that OCD is suggested to impact 1-2% of the population. However, my own experience and research say that percentage is much greater.

OCD has many forms. Some forms are noticeable in others, such as compulsive cleaning or checking. Some are very disruptive to one’s life. Those are the instances that get counted in the population.

Other forms of OCD, however, like Arithmomania, are usually not detectable because the processes are happening within a person’s head, and because those processes are often complex, they’re hard to describe to others. Many who have tried to describe them report getting blank stares in return. Eventually, attempts to describe are abandoned. Many cases of OCD are mild to moderate and don’t require outside intervention. Those are the instances that are not counted.

Medications That Help

Fortunately for me, my Arithmomania is not severe enough to impact my quality of life. I simply notice that I’m doing it and let it happen. It can be comforting during times of stress. Some people even consider it a great skill or superpower, coming up with cool names for themselves like “The Code Cracker.”

However, if this or another form of OCD is creating hardship, there are medications that seem to help, according to studies and testimonies from those I’ve spoken with.

• Anafranil: This drug is a tricyclic antidepressant specifically for OCD.

• NAC (aka: N-Acetyl Cysteine): Studies show that OCD is caused by a “glutamate dysfunction”. NAC is a glutamate modulator that shows promising results in the few studies performed to date.

• SSRIs: I have been on several kinds of SSRIs and can personally report that my OCD is definitely dulled while on these drugs.

Conclusion

The bottom line, the brain is absolutely fascinating, particularly in the ways it works to protect! While OCD may have formed as a program to shield a person during a particularly difficult part of life, it doesn’t necessarily just go away when the danger is gone.

If needed, medication can be helpful to reduce any negative impact it may have on daily life.

Otherwise, it can be seen as an innocuous way of coping with mild to moderate stress. Many reports are simply awed by the way their brains work to solve complicated mathematical operations or complex word games automatically.

For me, it’s just a special part of who I am. Like Count Dracula. Ahh Ahh AHHHH!

*Examples of Arithmomania:

“I count the steps I take within a concrete block without stepping on cracks. I also count the steps every time I walk up them. I know how many there are but I do it every time.”

“I count stairs every time I’m on them. I also do this counting/pattern in my head of my age.”

“I know someone who writes numbers in a notebook over and over. I asked them why they do it and they said they didn’t know why, they said they just really liked doing it.”

“I do this with words and letters. I am constantly rearranging letters in my head to see how many other words I could make with one particular word or by putting letters of a word into alphabetical order.”

“I used to take all the digits of any grouping together, like dates or barcodes or addresses, and find the operations necessary to make them equal 8, my favorite number.”

“I’m a counter, in 4s.”

“For many years, every word I heard or spoke, I would have to work out in my head how many letters on the QWERTY keyboard would be typed with each hand.”

Shame and CPTSD

For those of us seeking to heal from CPTSD and related conditions like co-dependency, we’ve likely discovered by now how shame has been running in the background of our psyche our whole lives, like a computer virus sabotaging our ability to heal and live peacefully. Shame is at the root of our CPTSD symptoms such as anxiety and depression and can be so deep-seated that it’s difficult to discern how and when it’s running the show, much less how to take hold of it and change it.

We’ve been given wonderful, effective strategies to heal the shame that came from growing up in abusive and/or neglectful environments. The first is a mental excavation to discover the various dysfunctional ways that shame makes us feel and behave, and what triggers it. The next is self-compassion, forgiveness, esteem-building, and the long, hard work of fighting our vicious inner critic into submission. You know, the one that keeps shaming us over and over.

Shame as a Cultural Norm

What doesn’t get recognized, however, is that we are also having to fight cultural norms that provoke and feed on shame. Whether it be Western culture as a whole or the sub-cultures within it, we’re bombarded with shame-inducing stimuli every day. This can make healing shame even more confusing and tenuous for those of us trying to heal the toxic shame of CPTSD.

Look to Our Language as Proof

How do we know shame is a cultural norm? To understand what a culture holds valuable, all you have to do is look at its language. Look at the clichés and idioms of a culture and you’ll be surprised by what is hidden in plain sight. The following focuses on the American English language.

Examples of common sayings about shame:

“Shame on you,” is such a common saying, it’s a cliché. The same can be said for, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself.” There’s even a common hand gesture used to shame others— stroking the top of your index finger with your other index finger, “Shame, shame, shame!”

These sayings are just the tip of the iceberg. There are plenty of shaming cliches that don’t contain the word ‘shame.” Those of us with CPTSD can list a book of them, I’m sure.

Shaming pride, the opposite of shame:

To look at it from the opposite perspective, what is the top antonym for the word “shame”? I searched online, “shame antonym” and the first word that popped up was “pride.”

What do our cultures teach us about pride? Fortunately, the word “pride” is beginning to be reclaimed as a virtue, but traditionally pride is thought to be a fatal human flaw and is still very commonly denounced in many American communities, both directly and indirectly.

In Christianity, the most popular religion in the world and the most widespread in the U.S., pride is one of the seven deadly sins!

We are being steeped in explicit and implicit messages that we should not be proud of ourselves and if we are, we should be ashamed. See how that works?

Examples of common sayings about pride:

Who hasn’t heard, “Swallow your pride,” right? Another common saying is, “I’m so proud of you,” indicating that its ok to be proud of someone else, but not of yourself.

How about the following common phrases that shame people for daring to feel proud of themselves: “Don’t get a big head” / “You think you’re so great” / “You’re getting too big for your breeches” / “Don’t be so stuck-up” / “Who do you think you are?” / “She’s got her nose in the air” / “You think your shit don’t stink.” There are plenty more.

Why is Shame a Cultural Norm?

I have not done any scientific studies on this, but here are two of my observations as a social science buff:

1. The US is a Christian nation and Christianity, as pointed out above, holds pride to be a deadly sin. As such, our deep-seated child-rearing traditions reflect this, and we are taught (sometimes unconsciously or even maliciously) from a young age that we should be humble, that we should “know our place” (that’s another idiom).

Unfortunately, too many children do not get healthy discipline on humility while also having their natural self-esteem supported. They get shamed and humiliated instead, ultimately destroying their self-confidence.

This type of child abuse is widely accepted as routine parenting and the reason why I believe CPTSD is way more widespread than the current estimates state.

2. Our capitalist culture runs on consumerism. In order to sell things, people must be made to feel like they need more than they already have. This creates competition among people to present themselves in a certain way to be accepted. That competition even has a name: “the rat race.”

Being in a race to gain more acceptance through status (aka: “keeping up with the Jones’s”) is like any other competition. It has winners and losers, the “haves” and the “have nots.” And you guessed it, the “have nots,” which exist on a continuum throughout the classes, are continually shamed. This system of commercialism is built on shame and the dire human need to avoid feeling it.

The irony is, if we weren’t taught as children to be ashamed of ourselves, to doubt ourselves, to suppress our natural pride; if our self-esteem hadn’t been annihilated in the name of teaching humility, we wouldn’t rely on status for acceptance. We would be self-accepting. It truly is a vicious cycle.

Call to Action

Identifying shame:

It’s important to know that shame isn’t just in our head, the voice of our inner critic. Shame also bombards us from the outside every day, whether it’s through the same people and communities we grew up with, new ones, or American cultural norms that seek to make us feel lesser in order to sell something. It’s so ingrained, that it is camouflaged.

For me, to detect shame, I make it into a game. I use my oh-so-special CPTSD trauma response of obsessiveness to help me identify even the most veiled shame-inducing stimuli. Then I feel pride for having sniffed it out. (I use inner games a lot in my healing processes.)

Much of it may be difficult to discern at first because it is so entrenched. However, by paying close attention, our emotional and somatic feelings will alert us when there is shame involved in a situation, no matter how covert it may be. CPTSD makes us extremely sensitive to shame, but we may still be reacting to it unconsciously. The key is to notice those feelings and trace them back to the shame-inducing source.

Setting boundaries:

Once we’ve learned to sniff out shame in all of its incarnations, the next step is to draw a boundary between it and ourselves. Like identifying shame, drawing those boundaries may be difficult for a while.

Having toxic shame makes it hard to feel worthy enough to set a boundary. We may feel perhaps selfish or haughty in setting boundaries. Just remember that those are trauma responses. You might hear your inner critic say, “Who do you think you are?!” You can respond by saying, “I am cutting shame out of my life, so go F yourself,” and keep going. (Feel free to be as vitriolic as you want with your inner critic. Turn that toxicity around onto him or her. Over time, that critic’s voice will lessen.)

Fake it Until you Make it

It’s true when CPTSD sufferers say that you have to “fake it until you make it” during the healing journey. I have also experienced this phenomenon.

It is a catch-22 to have to heal our shame when our shame keeps us from feeling worthy of healing. So, the key, in the beginning, is to fake self-esteem, just enough to allow us to draw boundaries and make other healthy decisions for ourselves.

It is very uncomfortable at first. It feels wrong and unsafe because we’ve been living in our CPTSD comfort zone for so long. Do it anyway. The temporary discomfort is necessary and it’s worth it.

When someone shames us for acting or speaking with self-esteem, we take notice! And we draw that boundary by standing up for ourselves, or however that may look in that situation. Again, it will feel uncomfortable, and we may fail initially but the more we try, the more comfortable it will become, and the more real our self-esteem will become too.

Sending much love to you!

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