Susan Gold | CPTSDfoundation.org

Going Within: A Path to Inner Freedom

Susan Gold — Wed, 25 Jun 2025 09:41:22 +0000

The world is noisy. Teachers, coaches, gurus, and self-help programs clamor for your attention, promising clarity, calm, and success in a chaotic world. Acronyms like SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound) and GROW (Goal, Reality, Options, Will) fill your headspace, urging you to follow their rigid steps. But what if these systems, meant to guide you, are adding to your anxiety? What if, instead of freedom, they trap you in a cycle of self-doubt—Am I doing this right? Am I enough? Will this work if I don’t follow every rule?

Sometimes, these frameworks become part of the same toxic systems you’re trying to escape—systems that demand conformity over authenticity, achievement over feeling, and external validation over inner truth. You’ve heard their voices your whole life:

“Do as I say, not as I do.”
“Memorize this formula, and you’ll pass.”
“Our way is the only way; don’t question it.”
“Take this pill, follow this plan, trust this authority.”
“Success means college, job, marriage, house, kids, retirement—then you can live.”
“People like you don’t challenge the status quo; they fade away.”

These messages, burned into the fabric of your being, drown out your inner voice. But true balance, sovereignty, and freedom lie within you, not in external rules or prescriptions. Going within means rediscovering your intuition, your truth, and your unique path, leading to an unwavering footing. Here’s how to begin.

Steps to Go Within

Choose Your Path: Going within is personal. You don’t need a meditation cushion or a guru’s approval. Maybe you find stillness walking in nature, swimming laps, or singing at the top of your lungs. Perhaps it’s clapping, laughing, or yelling to release pent-up energy. Experiment with what grounds you in the present moment and reconnects you to your inner self.
Feel Without Judgment: When you connect to the present, notice the energy in your body, often around your heart. If judgmental thoughts arise (I’m not good at this, I’m wasting time), acknowledge them gently and let them pass. Return to the feeling, the breath, the moment. There’s no right or wrong way to do this.
Listen for Your Inner Voice: Breathe deeply. Is there a message, an emotion, or simply a sensation? It might be subtle or profound. Trust that this experience is sacred, yours alone, and safe. Your thoughts, feelings, and emotions are valid, even if they’ve been dismissed before.
Embrace Your Natural Gift: Going within is a human birthright, often devalued by systems that prioritize productivity over presence. Allow yourself this time. It’s safe to explore, to feel, to be.

Why It Matters

Going within isn’t about mastering a technique or checking off a self-help box. It’s about opening to your inner wisdom, free from the noise of external expectations. From this place, you can discern what serves you and what doesn’t. You can reject toxic systems—whether they’re societal norms, rigid programs, or inherited beliefs—and define what’s meaningful on your terms.

Your Next Step

Today, take a few minutes to try going within. Find a quiet space, or move in a way that feels alive to you. Breathe, feel, and listen. Notice what arises without forcing an outcome. This small act of turning inward is a radical step toward freedom.

You are enough. You have value and purpose. Your path is yours. And your inner voice is waiting to gently guide you home.

About the Author

Susan Gold is a renowned author and transformationalist guiding individuals toward self-discovery and empowerment. She specializes in helping people break free from limiting systems, enabling them to uncover their innate abilities and embrace a life driven by inner authenticity.

Through her YouTube channel, “Inspiration for Transformation,” Susan shares valuable insights and practical wisdom. Her series, Gold Conversations, features real-life stories of individuals who have transcended unfulfilling systems to create meaningful, purpose-driven lives. One standout episode that reflects this article features her conversation with Jessica Conway, who reshaped her career to align with her ideal lifestyle—a compelling discussion you can watch here.

Photo by Ian Stauffer on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Susan Gold

Contributor Susan Gold is an author and transformationalist. After growing up in a toxic family system, she now helps others through similar trauma, leading with heart and love. Her YouTube video posts are at: https://www.youtube.com/@susangoldismagical

Standing Up to Job Change

Susan Gold — Thu, 15 May 2025 09:57:48 +0000

If you’ve experienced prolonged and repeated trauma, emotions can be difficult. Identifying emotions can be a challenge. Knowing the difference between the basic emotions—happy, mad, sad, and glad—may take patience to feel and recognize. Yet emotions are one of your greatest assets as a human being, a superpower if you like. And learning about your emotions and the ability to identify them may help you move forward to a more solid platform to self-soothe and encourage yourself to address things like moving out of a job no longer serving you.

A change in jobs is usually an ominous prospect for most of us. Leaving a job and finding another may bring up deep, paralyzing fear. You may be staying well past your expiration date in your current job out of a desire to avoid feeling abandonment and deep survival stress. Living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), this fear can feel magnified, rooted in a nervous system wired to expect danger or loss. But here’s the thing: staying in a job that drains you, triggers you, or stifles your growth can perpetuate the very symptoms you’re trying to heal from. Standing up for a job change isn’t just about career advancement—it’s an act of self-preservation and empowerment.

Most of my job changes were foisted upon me. Being fired was a way to be forced to move on to a position that better served my path. Looking back, those involuntary shifts were harsh but necessary wake-up calls. They broke the inertia that trauma often locks you into—a cycle of clinging to the familiar, even when it’s toxic. CPTSD can make you feel like you’re stuck in survival mode, where the known discomfort of an abusive job feels safer than the unknown of something new. Staying too long can deepen the emotional dysregulation, hypervigilance, and negative self-concept that define these conditions.

The Emotional Toll of Staying Too Long

When you’ve lived through prolonged trauma, your body and mind adapt to endure. A job that demands too much—whether it’s relentless pressure, a lack of support, or a culture that echoes past abuses—can keep your stress response on high alert. Hypervigilance might have you scanning for threats from a demanding boss or critical coworker, while emotional numbing might disconnect you from your needs. Over time, this erodes your sense of self. You might start believing you deserve the stress, that you’re not capable of better—a hallmark of CPTSD’s negative self-view.

Recognizing your emotions becomes a lifeline here. That knot in your stomach when you clock in? Anger. The exhaustion that lingers even after a weekend? Sadness. The fleeting relief when you imagine quitting? A whisper of gladness. These feelings aren’t just noise—they’re signals. Trauma can dull your ability to hear them, but with practice, they can guide you toward what’s no longer working. A job that consistently triggers flashbacks, anxiety, or dissociation isn’t just a bad fit; it’s a barrier to healing.

Why Change Matters

Leaving a job when you have CPTSD isn’t just about escaping discomfort—it’s about reclaiming agency. Trauma often strips away your sense of control, leaving you feeling trapped or powerless. Deciding to leave a job where your soul is not thriving is a bold step toward rewriting that narrative. It’s saying, “I deserve better,” even when your inner critic (fed by years of trauma) insists otherwise. Each step—updating a resume, applying elsewhere, or even just imagining a fresh start—builds resilience and chips away at the hopelessness that trauma can instill.

Forced job changes taught me something critical: the universe (or circumstance) sometimes nudges you when you’re too scared to move yourself. But you don’t have to wait for a firing or a breakdown. Listening to your emotions can help you act before the situation escalates. A job that respects your boundaries, aligns with your strengths, or gives you room to breathe can be a game-changer. It won’t erase CPTSD, but it can reduce the daily triggers that keep your nervous system in overdrive.

Facing the Fear

The fear of change is real, especially with trauma in the mix. Abandonment wounds might scream that leaving a job means losing stability or belonging. Survival stress might warn that you’ll never find anything else. These are valid fears—trauma taught you to expect the worst. But staying stuck can reinforce the very symptoms you’re battling: the isolation, the despair, the physical toll. Standing up for yourself means facing that fear, not because it disappears, but because you’re worth the effort.

Start small. Name your emotions daily—what do you feel about your job? Journal it, talk to a trusted friend, or work with a therapist or expert to untangle the mess. Research roles that feel less like a battlefield. Practice self-soothing—deep breathing, a walk, whatever grounds you—when the anxiety spikes. You don’t have to leap blindly; you can build a bridge to something better, one step at a time.

A New Path Forward

Most of us with CPTSD have spent years surviving. A job change isn’t just about work—it’s about choosing to thrive. It’s about honoring the part of you that’s tired, scared, and still fighting. My forced exits showed me that endings can lead to beginnings I couldn’t have imagined. Now, I see that recognizing my emotions and acting on them is how I take back the power that trauma once stole.

You don’t have to stay past your expiration date. Your emotions, messy and raw as they are, can light the way. A job supporting your healing isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. Stand up for it.

About the Author

Photo Credit: Unsplash, Elsa Tonkinwise

Susan Gold

The Courage to Awaken

Susan Gold — Tue, 01 Apr 2025 09:40:44 +0000

Waking up from toxic systems and the side effects they create demands courage. Upon reflection, you’ll spot the misaligned messages—ideas that never fit, gnawing at your gut yet somehow seduce you into obedience.

As a child, I trembled at the thought of my brother being drafted into war, picturing his desperate flight to Canada, hitchhiking in disguise to avoid the draft. The terror of conflict consumed me, its senseless carnage etching itself into my soul.

Decades later, my godson toyed with enlisting. I pleaded with him to reconsider, but at his boot camp graduation, I stood frozen, watching young, ebullient recruits chant of killing and conquest. Horror gripped me.

I understand this is the purpose of boot camp training: to indoctrinate human beings into an unnatural state of being, of allegiance and obedience.

It’s similar in our family ancestral line, our schooling (vs. education), our religious systems, and our social structures…

What if we trained these beautiful young recruits for peace instead…

And what if peace is our innate impulse…

I refuse to believe humans are born for war and rather envision that war is becoming obsolete. I suspect a darker force has conditioned us across millennia, twisting our nature. What if we broke free from this programming in every system that has touched our lives? What if we tuned into our hearts and unlocked our true potential through the quiet power of discernment?

This has been my journey in recognizing my toxic systems of influence and CPTSD triggers – going within and rewiring my inner systems.

Please consider pausing to reflect: Where did toxicity take root in your life? School? Family? Work? Religion?

Trace the moments when obedience to something wrong bent your path. Then, turn inward, claim your authentic choices, and stand tall.

Your discernment is your power, your sovereignty, and your strength.

Living true to yourself liberates you and ultimately can light the way for others to break free, too.

Susan Gold guides her clients to break free from toxic systems, empowering them to live authentically from the heart and embrace their innate intuitive abilities. Visit her website, https://www.susangold.us/, and YouTube channel, https://www.youtube.com/@susangoldismagical, for free resources, including her inspiring new podcast, Gold Conversations. Tune in as guests reveal their transformative journeys—awakening from toxicity to thriving in alignment with their true selves.

Featured Image Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

Other image provided by author

Susan Gold

Recognizing Characteristics of Toxic Systems

Susan Gold — Wed, 12 Feb 2025 13:55:06 +0000

For much of my life and career, I found comfort in the surface narrative—moving through the motions, staying busy, and avoiding deep scrutiny. But now, as the cracks in conventional structures continue to widen, operating on autopilot and chasing distractions no longer feels like safety. Instead, I’m drawn to questioning everything and examining all perspectives, including the toxic norms that are now unraveling before us.

Toxic systems are those practices, behaviors, and structures that prioritize control, dysfunction, or harm—often at the expense of individual freedom, authenticity, and well-being. In today’s complex and turbulent climate, that’s a lot to unpack.

The truth is that many of us are unaware of the toxic systems we are entrenched in, enabling, or impacted by. These systems often emerge subtly, embedded within ancestral patterns, education, workplaces, religion, cultural programming, healthcare, societal institutions, and more.

As this volatile year comes to a close and a new chapter begins, let’s take a closer look at the defining characteristics of toxic systems and reflect on how they may be affecting us:

1. Imbalance of Power

Toxic systems often centralize control, disempowering individuals in favor of a privileged few. This imbalance exploits and represses the majority to maintain its structure.

2. Fear and Dependency

These systems foster dependency for survival or success, using fear, manipulation, and psychological tactics like gaslighting to undermine your confidence and autonomy.

3. Clouded Transparency

Information is distorted, withheld, or manipulated, ensuring decisions remain hidden while dominance is asserted. This leaves you disempowered and unable to advocate for yourself effectively.

4. Severed Authenticity

Conformity is rewarded, while individuality is punished. You may feel pressured to fit a mold or adopt predefined roles to gain acceptance or success.

5. Cycles of Exploitation and Abuse

Toxic systems exploit your time, energy, money, or emotions without adequate return or acknowledgment. These cycles leave you feeling depleted and devalued.

6. Resistance to Change

Change agents are often ridiculed, ostracized, or punished. Rigid traditions and unyielding practices block evolution, ensuring the toxic system’s survival at the expense of growth.

7. Psychological and Emotional Harm

Participation in these systems often leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety, leaving you drained, dehumanized, and disconnected from your own power.

8. Conditioning and Indoctrination

Rituals and repetitive messaging enforce compliance and discourage critical thinking, creating deeply ingrained patterns of acceptance.

9. Intergenerational Patterns

Toxicity can be inherited through family or ancestral lines, perpetuating harmful beliefs and behaviors that reinforce the system over time.

10. Punishment for Defiance, Rewards for Compliance

Nonconformity results in exclusion, retaliation, or loss of resources, while compliance is incentivized with privileges, safety, or acceptance.

11. Isolation and Disconnection

Toxic systems thrive on disconnection from nature, self, and community. Isolation prevents unity and shared resistance, keeping individuals trapped within the system.

Recognizing these dynamics is the first step toward dismantling harmful structures and reclaiming your power. Whether the toxic system exists at work, in school, within your relationships, governing bodies, or even in your own mind, awakening to its influence is vital to returning to your natural wisdom and authentic power.

As the global paradigm shifts toward higher consciousness, maintaining balance can be challenging. To support your journey, I’m offering a complimentary 30-minute grounded activation session to help you feel nurtured, centered, and connected. Together, we can work to cultivate clarity, reduce frustration, and align with your inner truth.

👉 [Click here to schedule your session]

Additionally, I invite you to visit my YouTube channel for weekly inspiration designed to gently awaken you from toxic systems and guide your transformation.

Here’s to a life-changing, empowering, and joy-filled 2025. Let’s step forward together.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Susan Gold

Discernment Through the Fray…

Susan Gold — Mon, 04 Nov 2024 17:29:28 +0000

Through the cacophony of media – social, alternative, traditional, and otherwise – I could no longer deny the need to walk away from it all and regroup. Heck, I even helped launch Fox News Channel back in the day, attended editorial meetings, and certainly know full well the agendas of mainstream news.

As a super empath, I could no longer tolerate the ominous energy I was continually sensing from the blaring ensnarement, scrolling eternally throughout my reality from all sides of the storyline.

Before escaping for a drive and walking in the Montana woods, I decided not taking my cell phone was a bad safety choice but committed to leaving it unchecked. It’s not often I consider using my phone for SOS contact only. Truth be told, there were several impulsive moments to unlock the glovebox and grab it mindlessly as if by a robotic impulse.

As the day unveiled itself and the road began to lengthen I became more acclimated to taking in the scenery versus my screen. I began to retrace my thoughts about a continual digital connection. This unwinding led me to contemplate relying on other societal beliefs, and the systems I’ve openly embraced as a citizen of the United States.

Embattled by my upbringing within a toxic ancestry to being indoctrinated vs. educated, and certainly trained in a patriarchally slanted culture, I realize how much I’ve been trained to surrender my inner power to willingly let go of my own responsibility in making authentic choices that are meaningful in my heart.

More often, I’ve looked outside to what the systems have told me would bring me to safety and followed those methodologies somewhat blindly, often coming up battered, unsatisfied, and feeling empty.

The need to unplug actually helped me to understand, it is not following the fray on the outside that brings me to balance and contentment. It is being brave enough to go within, check my own heart and courageously follow the path it generates.

Making the choice of living from the inside out certainly delivers the opportunity for clearly deciphering my choices, my actions and the way I live. It also opens a stream of discernment I’ve not tasted very often for the bulk of my being while enmeshed in the toxicity here on Earth.

And I find as the world’s systems continue to show decay, the ability to know what I value, what I prefer, and understand have immeasurable worth. I am able to show up as a grounded individual prepared to contribute to the collective authentically and with sovereignty.

That has been well worth the ride.

If you are feeling out of balance, confused, fearful or afraid to authentically live the day from your own heart? I invite you to join me for a grounding activation. It seems to be the perfect time. Please use this link to learn more and to schedule your complimentary session.

I hope to see you soon, it will be a pleasure!

Susan Gold is the author of Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom. She helps others navigate their way through challenges to find their authentic inner power, sovereignty, and freedom! For more information, please visit: https://www.susangold.us/

Susan Gold

Finding Your Life After Trauma

Susan Gold — Thu, 27 Jun 2024 16:53:40 +0000

Do you remember the last time you noticed you were glossing over your own needs?

Like the time you were really tired at work and had a big birthday party to celebrate that evening, and your boss dropped another manual on your desk asking for a synopsis by morning, to which you replied, “Sure.”

Or when your neighbor asked you to pick him up at the car repair shop for the third time in two weeks, your schedule was jammed, and you said, “Of course.”

Or when you were asked where you’d like to take out food from, and you said it didn’t really matter, but it did?

Discounting my life, even in small ways, is almost second nature.

Even after decades of recovery, I still have to remember to count myself in and take note of what I want, need, or desire. It still feels foreign, like I’m stepping over some dangerous, unbreakable line or not worthy in some way of consideration.

In a toxic system, there is very little room for healthy acknowledgment of self

I don’t know about you, but I was always anxiously anticipating the next unknown mood swings from my mom, an object being flung through the air at me when my dad was drunk, or a sibling confusing my reality through triangulation and double talk. And then there were the physical fights I’d attempt to break up by stepping right into the middle of the action.

All of this led me to anticipate others’ needs, keep secrets, walk on eggshells, have a deep need to be perfect, and live from the outside in for recognition. “Hello, can’t you see me? Don’t I count?” I’d scream internally as I was seeking the next external triumph to catch a fleeting accolade.

What I’ve learned as an adult, and after the red flags I swore I’d avoid came up, is that owning the value of my own life has to come from within me. It doesn’t come from trying to please that old toxic system or the new one I’ve created from the outside in.

Though I resented it at first, I had to surrender to the fact that I was the one, ultimately, to recognize me—to connect with all that is sacred within—to heal the void of emptiness. I am responsible. As an adult, I have my own life—a beginning, a middle, and an end with dreams and desires that I need to create for myself. It comes from living from the inside out—from valuing life, valuing my own life, and realizing I have one.

Early on, I railed against the idea – “Fluff, they need to pay!” I’d rant to myself or anyone else who may have been willing to listen. “I’m the victim.” “Why do I need to fix all of this?” It only served to tie me right into that toxic system I’d been looking to escape.

Awakening to this has been painful, yet it’s also led me to a profound sense of freedom. Stopping down to check in with me, realizing I do matter, that I have value and worth, has spun me into a new way of living—living my life—with precious appreciation.

I stop now, take that extra beat, and contemplate. A moment makes all of the difference. And then I speak up…:

“Thanks for thinking of me for this assignment. I’m not able to deliver in the morning, but I am able to get a synopsis to you by the end of the day tomorrow.”

“I’m glad you thought of me, and I’m so sorry I’m not able to pick you up today, but I happen to have an Uber discount code if you’d like it.”

How about the new Chinese place for takeout? I’ve been wanting to try it out for weeks!”

While remaining flexible and open, there’s nothing like getting to know myself better, treasure my being, and continue building the experiences that will allow me to know I’m safe to live my life freely.

Susan Gold is the author of Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom. She helps others move through trauma from a place of love. For free tools like her course on “Signs of A Toxic Family,” her newsletter, or to have a chat, visit susangold.us, and you may find her latest videos on her Youtube Channel.

Photo by Samuel Ferrara on Unsplash

Susan Gold

Denial – A Sign of a Toxic Family System

Susan Gold — Wed, 17 Apr 2024 16:55:25 +0000

Denial was a key component of my toxic family system. I could feel that big fat elephant in the middle of the living room. Most often, I chose to tip-toe around it. As an empath, I could clearly feel the tangible reality of the insidious storyline the denial would create. Speaking up and naming the truth could lead to a fierce punishment. I refrained from poking a hole through the denial’s dense cloak in exchange for some faulty sense of safety through allegiance. Mind-fluffing screams of “you’re crazy,” “you’re making up stories,” or “you lying son of a *itch” would come flooding my way in spewing torrents if I didn’t obey.

Denying the problems within my toxic family system while rationalizing, making excuses, or deceiving myself was what I ultimately was programmed into believing. And when fidelity to denial became my mantra, it helped me to fit into that broken system, sometimes.

It also gnawed at my own sense of sanity, self-worth, and mental well-being. Secrets were sealed into place with emotions askew, beaten into submission, and placed into some ancient ancestral closet, never to see the light.

My body is often my key to decoding the denial scenario

The learned coping tool of denial transferred into my adult life. Though it did give me time to process my emotions, it mostly has led me to behaviors I saw demonstrated while growing up, addictions, and being locked into relationships and work scenarios well past their expiration date.

Seeing through denial by surrendering the pretending and bravely calling circumstances as I see, feel, and hear them with a calm, level, and non-judgemental grounding is more often my unshakeable reality now. My body is often my key to decoding the denial scenario.

Shallow breathing, a dry mouth and feeling heat in my face or ears or sometimes a bone chilling cold all over my body are a few of the somatic alarm bells. I’m able to give myself the space to believe in myself, trust what I sense, give my body the credit due and honor by exiting the circumstance if I’m not able to instantly address the pretending, placating or excuses that often come up around unhealthy denial.

Processing the circumstance with a trusted friend, professional, or by writing is helpful, and then choosing whether or not I want to confront the situation are my next steps. This reprogrammed and learned behavior is leading me to authentic security, safety and a semblance of true value and self-worth from the inside out.

Denial is just one sign of many in a toxic family system. Many of us don’t even realize we’ve grown up amongst dysfunctional systems until adulthood and red flags begin to surface similar to those we witnessed in childhood. I’ve created a free, short digital course called Signs of A Toxic Family to help us all work through a few of the signs, remnants, and tools to heal after growing up in a dysfunctional home. Just scroll down to the footer of my website: https://www.susangold.us/, join the email list and receive the free course.

Wishing you well on your journey and please know we are all in this together.

Susan Gold

Using Somatic Modalities To Help Decipher a Traumatic Childhood

Susan Gold — Thu, 28 Sep 2023 09:36:11 +0000

A cold sense of violence about to explode filled the airless kitchen. I paused and took a breath while gripping the tile beneath me with my small bare feet waiting for the eruption while plotting my exit. I felt my solar plexus tighten as my face went hot and time stood still. I prepared for what I thought was my due. As quickly as it came the dense and tenacious feeling passed as my mother, struggling with mental illness, dropped her rage as if on a whim, her eyes softening and an intense glare toward me fading.

My ability to feel, sense, and take on the emotions of others has led me to experience trauma deeply. Scientific research shows that ‘mirror neurons,’ which allow us to mirror the emotions of others, may in fact be more pronounced in one described as an empath.

My childhood felt like a battlefield

To me, my childhood felt like a battlefield. Bombs and bullets were flying with no shelter in sight, a sinister energy seemed to be continually lurking. I had a strong desire to make it better, to fix it for everyone’s safety. These are often signs of an empath.

My older sister feels she had a privileged childhood and has some guilt about living such a good life. My oldest brother, with whom I share the most abuse, has almost complete amnesia when it comes to his upbringing. It’s only through prodding and reminders that a few recollections of his own shake themselves free.

Competition for scraps of love available was fierce and the numbing of emotion seemed a prerequisite for my survival. During a recent family gathering when I expressed concern over what I saw as neglect, my father asked, “Are you even really part of this family?”

My memories go way back, before two years of age, where I have full recall of being in a playpen for way too long, wailing, and finally being met with a beating rather than the comfort of a gentle hug. The confusing message of being the culprit and guilty one shot deep into my being and set the table for low self-worth, damaged relationships, and a high tolerance for abuse, both self-inflicted and at the hands of others.

Intuitively sensing feelings and emotions grew into knowing full thoughts, particularly as they related to my parents. The adults really didn’t want to hear what I knew they were thinking. It became dangerous, and I shut that ability down by the time I was ten.

What I did hold onto was the belief that I could ultimately escape, that I would prevail. Watching Barbara Walters on my belly in our basement on a bean bag chair inspired me to one day go to New York City.

I left our family home the morning after high school graduation and eventually did make it to New York City. I came to know Barbara Walters becoming her personal trainer as a side hustle to make extra money. She also had experienced her own abuse and was highly intuitive. I rang her doorbell at 7 a.m. one morning. “Susan, get in here,” and then she followed with, “What is happening with you?” Within moments, I shared that I’d been sexually abused by my boss the day before. “Well, I am coming with you this morning to the office, and we will confront this man, together,” I assured Barbara that I would handle it and did. I was promptly fired. I knew I could no longer be an assistant and chose to open my own talent brokerage firm matching celebrities with brands. My first deal was to knock on the door of the Factory to convince Andy Warhol to do a commercial for Pontiac which solidified my capabilities, but professional success did not assuage the trauma in my body.

After decades of talk therapy, which was impactful in getting the narrative down, I found somatic work was key in breaking free from the ingrained training trauma triggers. This work has actually seemed to bring change at a cellular level. Modalities like dance, breathwork, and meditation have been key to creating life as a new reality. Replacing carefully contained trauma pockets within my body with golden light has led to authentic metamorphosis. As for those empathic abilities of knowing, sensing, and feeling, I’m able to acknowledge those superhuman gifts and rely on them more than ever. I’m living with an open and genuine heart in a newfound reality with peace.

Susan Gold