What does it really mean to let go?

There are different ways to let go. When you hold onto beliefs, ideas, and stories that cause you suffering it looks like tension, stress, anger, resentment, anxiety and overall disconnection. When you won’t let go of belongings that you don’t need anymore you end up with chaos, confusion and a cluttered mind. When we hold on to how things “should” be done, we don’t have enough time to do other things that are important, including taking care of health and well-being. 

Holding on means you are stuck in the past and to let go means to be present with what is now. Letting go means you’ve come to terms with what has happened. You can acknowledge that it’s in the past and understand that the power is in the now. Now is where you can create, now is where you are connected to your body, breath and your conscious mind. Letting go means cutting the energetic ties to the past that keep you weighed down, depressed, and stuck. 

Decluttering Your Outer World

When you begin to declutter your outer world, you can see the inner patterns that created the clutter in the first place. When you let go of belongings in an intentional and conscious way, you also let go of the emotional attachments you have to them( old beliefs, thoughts, “shoulds”, guilt, shame, and resentments). Once you clear your spaces of what you no longer need and what no longer matches your values and intentions, you can be more present and focus on what you want to create. This doesn’t mean removing most of your belongings and becoming a minimalist. It also doesn’t mean that you have to do it in one round. It took me more than two years to no longer have a junk drawer. It was a process of understanding what was coming in, why I was keeping it, and seeing what really mattered. Let’s look at concrete steps on how to get started:

Step 1  – Connect

Get clear on what your values and your intentions are. Make a list of 10 values that are most important to you now and then group them into three main themes. Those three themes will be your anchors for when you need to make decisions. You’ll reference them to see, ok, if commitment is important to me then skipping the gym today doesn’t align with that value. 

Next is having a general sense of what your intentions are during this process. Then make a list of what anchors you will use to help you stay focused, grounded and connected when you get distracted, triggered, or overwhelmed. For example, going for a walk, doing a meditation, putting your hand on your heart.

Step 2 – Create

What is it that you want to create in your life? Creating is one of the wonderful gifts of being human. When we set definitive goals, we stifle our creativity. Focusing on what you want to create gives you a map to follow that is wide open for life to happen and allows for change. When we focus on creating, it allows for ideas, opportunities, and possibilities that are way beyond what we originally thought. The values and intentions are your anchor to stay focused and not stray too far away.

Step 3 – Release

Take an inventory of what you have. I always recommend starting with your spaces and keeping it simple by starting with one category at a time, e.g., clothing and books. Sort that category on a large cleared surface, make an Excel sheet for time and finances, and use a journal when reflecting on your relationships.

Once you see it all,you are able to gain a lot of insight, awareness and guidance on what needs to change. Now it’s time to let go of what doesn’t match your values, intentions and what you want to create!

This step is probably the biggest one because the insight you gain allows you to see WHY you have so much life clutter. It could be a belief that you can’t let go of something because you might need it one day and understand that the fear is causing havoc in your life. Getting support and guidance from a trauma therapist or coach during this phase is integral to making true change.

Step 4 – Recalibrate

Now, it’s time to recalibrate with what’s left and get organized. When it comes to your belongings it means zoning your spaces so that they match your intentions. For example, if you want to read more, you move your shelf next to a reading chair and have all your books there instead of having them in multiple places. When it comes to your time ,you zone your day for what you are focusing on. For example, having a set time to check emails instead of doing it often and randomly throughout the day inevitably wastes time.

Step 5 – Rhythm

Getting into your rhythm means setting boundaries and creating new habits so that you can sustain the changes you’ve made. Where do you need to start saying no? Is it when you go shopping and see something on sale that you don’t need (this helps both financially and with physical clutter)? What habits will you integrate to help keep your spaces organized so that you can focus on what you are creating instead of feeling stressed and overwhelmed? How will you integrate more self-care and focus on your well-being and overall health? 

Decluttering Your Inner World

Sounds a little weird, eh!? The reality is clutter comes in different forms including our minds, hearts and body. If you fill your mind with negative thoughts about yourself it creates clutter and prevents you from seeing your true essence. If you fill your body with food and substances that cause harm then it gets clogged up and doesn’t run smoothly and optimally. You get the picture.

This internal clutter then affects the decisions you make, how you behave, and how you feel about yourself. This comes from a combination of how you grew up, your life experiences both in the home and the world around you, cultural viewpoints, trauma, and even political situations. Often, people get disconnected from their inner world in order to cope and survive. This causes a weakening of intuition, mind-body connection and being able to act from your true power and with compassion. Let’s look at these parts and how you can let go of what’s clogging you up inside.

Mind, body, spirit, heart

The mind can be our friend or our enemy. If you grew up in a home with little support, lots of blaming and shaming then most likely your mind is not your best friend. If you mostly live in flight or freeze then your thoughts will be negative, filled with fear, hopelessness and doubt. A racing mind cannot connect with the present moment and be the observer. Instead, you are stuck in a tornado of sabotaging thoughts.

When we are lost in our minds, we disconnect from our bodies. Our bodies tell us what we need, and when we don’t pay attention, things become imbalanced, and illness follows. The body leads us to our spirit by connecting us to our intuition. The physical sensations help us connect to that twitch, pulse, and expansion of energy when we feel we need to do something or stay away. It also tells us when and how to fulfill our basic needs like eating and sleeping. 

The heart is different from the spirit, it is the place for love, compassion and true healing. When we act from the heart we cause no harm to ourselves or others. In order to reconnect and act from the heart we must clear the resentments, fear, and judgements that stand in the way. 

How to declutter your mind, body, spirit, and heart

You can go through a similar process of decluttering your inner world using the five steps for decluttering your outer world. Using a journal and sharing it with someone is ideal. I also recommend the techniques below to help you embody a deep change, allowing you to release the past and what’s holding you down. 

1. Thought replacement

This is a helpful tool and can be used to repeat affirmations, mantras, and other statements that help you change your beliefs and thoughts. It’s important to pair this with other tools because doing it alone will not change your inner mind. I like to do this when I’m driving, getting ready in the morning, or feeling like I need to shake things up. (I even get ridiculous and sing them in a silly way to bring more love and joy)

2. EFT tapping

This is a wonderful tool because you can use ready made scripts and videos or do it in the moment. In this technique you are tapping 8 different points while saying statements. These points coincide with acupuncture points that calm your nervous system. Connecting these two together has a deeper effect than just doing affirmations because you are working with your nervous system, a place where trauma is trapped. It’s important to be consistent and do this regularly in order to see the benefits. 

3. Meditation 

Meditation comes in so many forms. I like the ones that involve hypnosis to change my thoughts and that go deep into my subconscious. I also enjoy 

doing yoga nidra to have a holistic effect on my mind, body, spirit, heart and internal vibration. Here you use a “I am” statement that can stay the same or change each time you do it. I find this method powerful because you are in a state that allows you to calm your nervous system and “reprogram” your inner mind and at the same time it completely changes your energy in a positive way because you actually feel the shift in all areas doing this technique. 

4. Nature

I cannot speak more highly of the importance and positive impact nature has on our overall well-being and ability to stay connected and in alignment. As I write this blog I’m blessed that it is warmer than usual for October and I’m loving the fact that I can write this in the park. Not only am I not distracted by checking my email, I am grounded, breathing in fresh air and feel more connected to my inner knowing to write this blog with ease and speed.

Nature helps us connect to the present moment, clear our minds, connect to our mind, body, spirit and heart. Finding a place to go to regularly is key to finding that inner peace, calm and connectedness.

5. Compassion and empathy

Replacing hate, judgment and shame with compassion and empathy is another way that you can declutter your inner world. When you act from compassion you are a better listener, more understanding, can relate to others, feel gratitude and take kind action to stop suffering for yourself and others. Below are some ways to connect deeper with compassion for yourself and others.

6. Emotions

Releasing trapped emotions in the body and energy field is another amazing way to let go. Mindfulness techniques are helpful. You can feel the sensation of the emotion in your body when talking about a past situation or when a strong emotion comes up. By breathing into that space, you allow it to be there and be released instead of being disconnected and having the emotion stay trapped in your mind, body, spirit, and heart. 

Another great technique is using the emotion code and body code. You can do this on your own or see an emotion-code practitioner. Here you release trapped emotions that are in your magnetic energy field creating a shift in your consciousness and way of being. 

It’s important to understand that decluttering your life is a process. It takes time and effort, and getting support is a must! When we have lived with old patterns for decades, we can’t expect to change in days or weeks. Let’s say you are focusing on losing weight. You can’t expect it to happen in one week with no support to understand your emotional eating habits, change your diet, exercise, and how you feel about yourself. It takes time to address these areas with support and guidance until you can do it on your own. Remember, this doesn’t have to be daunting, it can also be fun, liberating and freeing!

Tonia Cordi

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.

I’d like you to take a moment to think of a time when you were being shamed by someone in your family. Ask yourself: how does that memory feel in the body? What stories come up? How was this message delivered? Looking back, was it really your shame? Or was it theirs? It’s important to be gentle with yourself and remember that, in shame-based families, parents dump their shame onto their children so they don’t have to feel or deal with it.

I’ve had clients that, no matter what, any chore they did was never done well enough to the unrealistic standards of the parent. They were shamed, criticized, and nagged. Most importantly, there was no teaching, guidance, or support to improve. This left my clients feeling anxious and defeated. Later on, when it came time to run their own household, they developed learned helplessness.

When we work together, they are able to experience a non-judgemental and supportive relationship, allowing them to release the shame and gain the confidence and skills they need. The traumatic experience stopped them from approaching or even noticing that they needed to address their physical spaces. Now, they are able to stand in their power and embrace new skills, and live in clean, organized homes they feel comfortable and proud in. 🙂

Five characteristics of shame-based family systems

There are over 10 different characteristics of shame-based family systems. In Lori Herberts article, she provides a very extensive look at four, while Paul Dunion gives a wide scope of the different components of shame-based families along with great case examples. I recommend checking out both articles.

1. Too Much Control

The need to control everything is the most dominant characteristic of a shame-based family. These types of families usually consist of two roles: the perpetrator and the dependent.

Perpetuator

• Exert power, control, and influence through financial & emotional means
• Only care about themselves and are not empathetic
• They want to dominate ,and there is no space for others to exist freely
• Privileges and rights are dictated rather than negotiated
• Name-calling is used to keep others down

Dependent

• Relies on the perpetrator for approval
• Gets stuck in extreme people pleasing and looses connection with their own needs and feelings
• Their self-worth is deeply affected
• Feels unsafe and the need to walk on eggshells

Examples of what you might hear:

• “You’re too young to know any better”
• “It’s your fault for making that choice”
• “How dare you….”
• “It’s your fault I feel this way”
• “It’s my way or the highway”

This kind of gaslighting, control, and psychological mind-warping causes the dependent to second guess their actions. In order to survive, they create inaccurate narratives that match the narratives of the perpetrator. Overall, this control means that you can never disagree with the perpetrator, and if you do, there are severe consequences. So, you learn to mold yourself into a pretzel to stay safe.

2. Poor Openness and Interpersonal Communication

Communication in shame-based families usually consists of silent treatment, yelling, interrupting, teasing, nagging, name-calling, and good old sarcasm. This is coupled with little or no emotional support, lacking the ability to coregulate and attune to others’ feelings, in other words, no empathy. When seen in a vulnerable state, the perpetrator will take advantage of this and belittle the dependent into feeling even more shame. It makes it almost impossible to be authentic and express one’s emotions, causing family members to be silenced “or else”.

This dynamic also creates a need to be perfect and meet the ever-changing ideal set by the perpetrator. There is always something wrong, so this ideal can never be met; the dependent is always in fear mode. It also means that an individual does not have the skills, support, or space to process negative emotions. If these negative emotions are shown then the perpetrator sees this as undermining their authority and the dependent is shamed into silence.

Shaming communication often looks like putting the blame onto others. This creates a web of deflecting, gas-lighting, and lack of accountability, and at the end of the day, everyone feels horrible. Maybe growing up you heard things like:

• “Don’t tell your father!”
• “Why didn’t you do what he said?”
• “It’s your fault your mother is upset.”
• “You’re overreacting!”

You probably felt like everything was your fault and still do. It’s likely you are afraid that even the cashier at the grocery store is mad at you when they are having a tough day. To be afraid all the time is exhausting and prevents you from living in a place of peace and power, which is exactly what the perpetrator wants.

3. Self-esteem depends on the family’s approval

Nothing is ever good enough, no matter how hard you try, no matter what you accomplish, there is criticism and personal jabs. Instead of wanting to create and grow as an individual, you focus all your energy on either avoiding failure or covering up perceived failure. This can look like not making life choices you want because they counter the families ideals and values.

These patterns continue into adulthood with relationships outside of the nuclear family. Whether it’s with your kids, friends, colleagues or romantic partners, you always feel the need to have their approval instead of standing in a strong sense of yourself, values and essence. It also means that people sense this low self-esteem and you are easily taken advantage of. If I know you want to please me I’ll see what I can get from it. And likely these individuals are perpetrators just like those in your family of origin.

As you gain some freedom in adulthood it becomes a weird catch 22: you can make decisions for yourself, however, you have lost connection to your sense of self and may not even know what you want. You never had the practice to speak up and you end up in similar situations of people pleasing and putting yourself last. Remember that, although there is this sense that there is something wrong with you, there isn’t! What you feel is a result of growing up in a shame-based family and you can heal from the effects and change how you feel about yourself.

4. Selective Personal Accountability

This is a very classic dynamic of dysfunctional and shame-based families: “It’s ok for me, but not for you!” There is a sense that “I can do whatever I want and change the rules at any time, but you must oblige at all times.” To maintain this dynamic, the perpetrator uses blame, criticism, and shame to suppress the dependent into paying the price for their actions, even when it’s not their fault or responsibility.

For example, if you yell at someone who is calling you names, it’s not ok. But if I yell at you, it’s because you made me do it. In a healthy family, everyone is accountable for their actions and not shamed for when they don’t uphold them. After all, everyone makes mistakes! Rather, there will be discussions around understanding what happened, how everyone is feeling, and how things can be improved in the future. Parents also take responsibility for their actions when they’ve made a mistake and model how to apologize.

Another aspect of accountability is that when the perpetrator is abusing a family member, they will take no responsibility for it. This permanently causes you to think that there is something wrong with you and that it’s your fault the bad behaviour happened. You might have never experienced this, but know that you are worthy of respectful and restorative dialogue.

5. Denial of the Five Freedoms

The perpetrator ensures that it’s their way or the highway. In other words, you cannot think, feel, perceive, desire or imagine anything other than what they dictate. This takes away your freedom to be you. It’s a must that you are perfect, an ideal that is unreachable, causing significant harm to one’s sense of self and inner spirit.

When you are not free to be you, you will inherently become depressed. One definition of depression is suppressed expression. Because you are always on guard, people pleasing and being silenced, you are unable to develop a sense of self and know what you like or need. This blocks your voice and ability to speak up. All these trapped emotions cause stress, illness, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I’ve often seen clients develop forms of unhealthy control since they couldn’t control or have a say in their home environment growing up. Some of these forms create unrealistic home environments that are not sustainable. For example, there is a need to keep all reusable containers in order to be eco-friendly. The need to do something “right” takes over and then the space becomes unmanageable.

6. Boundary Violation

Since there is no empathy, understanding, or inclusion in a shame-based family, your needs come last, and since you are unable to speak up, you are likely being violated regularly. Respect for others’ needs is not considered, and you feel pressured to do things, even though they may be unethical, against your own values and need for safety. You end up doing things you don’t want to do, and this continuous boundary violation means that outside of the home, you are likely also a target for being bullied and violated.

As adults, if we don’t address our pasts, we end up creating relationships that are similar to those we grew up in because they are familiar and “normal”. As I’ve mentioned before, what is familiar feels safe even though it’s harmful., It’s predictable, and the unknown is even scarier. Growing up in a family where there are no boundaries means you don’t develop a sense of self and autonomy.

How shame-based families create clutter

As you can guess, the perpetrator dumps all of their shame and responsibilities onto others. Someone’s home in this situation could be neat, tidy, and organized; however, it’s being maintained out of sheer fear. Other times, the perpetrator is literally a slob, and others can’t keep up. They struggle with being in dorsal and feeling overwhelmed so again nothing gets done. People in a shame-based family are likely living in a sympathetic state (fight or flight) or in a dorsal (freeze or fawn). This means they cannot act from a place of problem-solving, connection, or groundedness. Being in these states causes people to dissociate, where they literally can’t see the mess and are unable to figure out what to do with it when they do notice it.

How to release the cycle of shame

The good news is there are ways to heal from shame and break the family cycle. Below are five ways that can help you begin to release the shame and learn new ways to love yourself and set boundaries.

Name the shame!

For most of my life, I didn’t understand that what I was feeling was shame. I would only know that I feel horrible about particular situations. Many can relate to this, and making a connection to this feeling and why it’s there is a key first step to being able to release what’s not yours. It’s important that your adult self understands that what happened to you is not a shameful thing. All those times you were shamed for something, it most likely had nothing to do with you. Now it’s time to let it go and release it!

Getting to know how it feels in the body when you feel shame is helpful because it connects with the physical sensation, which allows you to address it before the thoughts, stories, and inner critic come crashing in. By knowing these sensations, you can pause, take a deep breath, breathe into those parts, and release the energy that is still trapped from the trauma. You can also do different exercises with a therapist and use the emotion code and other energy work to help you release and complete the cycle of trauma.

2. Boundaries

Setting boundaries can be very challenging, especially if you grew up in a home where speaking up meant severe consequences. Your nervous system remembers these situations and thus makes an association with speaking up as dangerous. It takes time to retrain your nervous system to be safe and doing calming exercises is one way to rebuild it.

Another aspect of boundaries is the ability to say no and take up space. This can be through healthier relationships and with the support of a therapist or trauma coach. It’s a great start to practice in a safe space. Taking tiny steps towards knowing your needs and then being able to communicate them will take time, so be gentle with yourself as you develop this new skill.

3. Building a sense of trust for others

Building an accurate sense of trust for others can be very challenging. It’s important to know that trust is something that develops over time. When growing up in dysfunctional families, people often swing from trusting people completely and blindly to not trusting at all. The skill of discernment allows you to slowly assess a situation and get to know someone from a place of observation. When observing, instead of reacting, you are able to see patterns of behaviour that indicate whether or not you can trust someone. Do they respect the boundaries that you set? Are they honest, reliable, and empathetic? Do you feel safe when you are with this person? Are you able to express yourself authentically?

Relational healing is very powerful. For some, the first person they are able to do it with is a therapist, and then slowly, they find other people to develop healthy and trusting relationships with. Connecting with your own inner strength and trust is also a key component to developing a sense of trust for others. If you don’t trust yourself, how can you trust your discernment of others?

4. Accountability

Even if you were the dependent in your family, it’s likely that you now participate in shaming behaviours yourself, because they were learned and a survival mechanism. Now you have the chance to own your part in your past and current actions. You can learn new ways to communicate your needs that don’t blame, shame or put others or yourself down. This means getting to know what matters to you, how to stand in your power and learning how to speak up for yourself. This takes time, practice and compassion!

5. Reconnect with your Intuition

When we grow up in dysfunctional and shame-based families, we lose connection to that inner knowing that we had at a young age. For many, it never left but we doubt that it’s true out of fear of making a mistake or that it counters what is expected in the family unit.

One way that I strengthen my inner knowing is through meditation. I  connect with my heart and work on expanding the energy there. This can be as simple as closing your eyes and placing your hand on your heart. Doing this is also great for calming your nervous system, so it’s a win-win. While having your eyes closed, you can imagine things that make you smile, things and people that you love, or even just a sense of peace and love. Then, once you have this sense, slowly remove your hands from your heart and pretend you are holding the energy of this love between them like a ball. Slowly expand your arms out and feel this energy expand with it until you have an immense amount of love, joy, and uplifting energy all around you. It’s a very powerful practice and a wonderful way to start your day!

Shame doesn’t just show up in our homes when we grow up. It’s everywhere. It’s used in marketing to convince you there is something “wrong” with you so you need this product to fix it. It’s in our workplaces when there are toxic relationships, gossip, and dysfunctional systems. Committing to yourself that you will put the time, energy and effort into breaking the cycle of shame will have a ripple effect not just in your family but in the world at large!

Tonia Cordi

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.

Your spaces and lives become tainted with this energy and mindset from the past, causing you to react, resent, and judge yourself and others. It keeps you stuck in victim mode and puts the blame and responsibility on someone else. There is no power or opportunity to change if you are acting from a place of the past.  Being able to let go doesn’t mean dismissing, avoiding, and denying your feelings or experiences; it’s about facing, accepting, feeling, processing, and transforming them.

I love helping people let go of objects because it creates a domino effect to let go in the mind, body, and spirit.

The more resentment builds up, the harder it is to deal with. Just like dirty dishes, if you do them right away, it takes 5 minutes. If you wait until the end of the day, then you have the mountain to deal with, and that will take significantly longer. Now imagine dealing with a lifetime of resentment!

The longer you wait to deal with things, the harder it gets. Sometimes, it’s needed and required to put things on hold. However, using this as an ongoing avoidance technique, never dealing with unresolved matters of the heart, you run the risk of living in an emotional tornado.

What it looks like when you don’t let go of resentment

If there is an accumulation of unresolved conflicts without repair and reconnection, emotional resentments start to build up. These resentments create stories, actions, and behaviours that can be passive-aggressive and avoidant and create unsafety in the relationship. Let’s look at how this can show up in different parts of your life:

Mind

Have you ever replayed and ruminated on past events, stirring up the same emotions and feelings all over again? These replays create a mini or full-on flashback where your heart, mind, body, and spirit are reliving the event.  Getting stuck in the past will affect your present points of view, actions, and behaviours.. Being in the now with fresh eyes can help shift this pattern.

For example, someone cuts you off while you are driving, and you assume that every time someone does it, they are out to get you. Then, you begin to drive aggressively and misinterpret harmless mistakes. Holding onto that anger creates resentment instead of letting go and driving in peace and compassion.

Body

In the body, resentment can make itself known as chronic and recurring tension, pain, headaches, fatigue or cancer (this is also true for holding onto other past emotions). Movement practices, energy work, and somatic trauma therapy can help release trapped emotions, helping you stay balanced.

For example, when we are so stuck in resentment, we physically feel horrible, and this affects our ability to enjoy life and have pleasure. Let’s say you are holding a grudge with your sweetheart, and they are in a good mood and want to go out for a walk. You’ll likely say no because of the unresolved issue and resentment.

Spaces

Things literally don’t get done, OR you do them holding a grudge because you “have to” or “no one else will,” or they won’t do it to your standards. I’ve seen this so many times over the years with clients, family, and friends. There is an ongoing narrative and point of view around how things should be done. With those beliefs comes resentment around something that occurred in the past, and now the individual is acting from the past in the present, continuing the battle.

For example, you have this thing with how to put dishes in the dishwasher. You’ve repeatedly told your sweetheart how to do it “properly,” and they’re still not doing it. Well, guess what! Rigidity kills joy. That grudge sticks around for other areas of your relationship and you pick on them for everything they do “wrong” in the house. That’s a fun relationship.

Spirit

With resentment comes loss. You lose your connection with your intuition, creativity, playfulness, inner knowing, passion, and life purpose. Your life energy is being pulled away, and you are so much in your mind that you lose connection to your inner spirit, drive, and your ability to act from a conscious place.

For example, while you are holding onto this grudge about the dishwasher, you go for a walk, and instead of connecting with nature, yourself, and the lessons behind the experience, you ruminate and rehearse a conversation of hurtful things you can say to them to get your point across or “win” the battle.

Heart

When we come from a place of unconditional love, we are able to understand that a person’s reactions have little to do with us and more to do with their unresolved past. Of course, we play a role in relationship dynamic,s and we need to own our triggers. However, when you are no longer connected to the love you have for yourself or others, it creates a false film of what’s really happening. Here, compassion is replaced with hate, anger, and resentment, preventing a true sense of listening and understanding and a way to move forward.

For example, your sweetheart has given you a compliment. However, because you are still holding on to an argument about who does the dishes, you are unable to receive it or give love back. Your heart is closed for business, and you are unable to act from a place of love, compassion, and caring. Over time, this is very stressful and will leave both of you feeling lonely, sad, and unappreciated.

Overall there is a sense of rebellion at times, sometimes it may be the silent treatment or saying “I’m fine”, but the person’s body language and energy says otherwise. Another way it shows up is arguing over small things that don’t matter, like whose turn it is to do the dishes.

Often, people will hold grudges because they have never had an honest conversation about each other’s understanding of the situation, let alone attempts to repair it. Years go by, and that emotion, feeling, and story run on repeat, dictating your actions, behaviors, and words towards this person, others, and even yourself. I’ve experienced this often in life: People will hold on to the same anger about something that happened 20 years ago leading to unexpected outbursts of rage! Very often, there is a simple misunderstanding of what happened.

I’m sure many of these sound familiar. Now what?

How To Let Go?

Here is a process to let go of resentment and create peace in your life and relationships:

Mind

1. What do you value?
2. How can you integrate it more into your decisions? What boundaries do you need to set?
3. What beliefs need to change to make that happen? What can you let go of?
4. Rewrite what you tell yourself about the other person, yourself, and the world. What is it that you want to believe now? Make journaling a daily practice to help.

Body/Emotions

1. What emotions do you need to release? What stories will change now that you’ve let go?
2. What techniques have you tried in the past that helped? What new energetic and somatic techniques can you try now?
3. What daily movement practices can you integrate to keep things flowing on a regular basis?

Relationships

1. What support can you get to make these changes?
2. What new dynamics will you create both for yourself and in your relationships?
3. What types of communication do you want to integrate? Do you need to learn anything new? Are there any books, workshops or classes you can take?

Spaces

1. What can you let go of physically that causes tension in your home?
2. What can change about how you do things?
3. Where can you step up and own your part? What responsibilities have you been avoiding, denying and defending?

Spirit/ Heart

1. What daily practices can you integrate to help you act from a place of compassion, peace and power?
2. How can you develop and strengthen your connection to compassion, love and empathy?
3. How will you connect with your inner spirit daily? Start to explore what it means for you and what helps you stay connected to your spirit and heart.

Safety

1. When do you feel unsafe? How does it feel in your body?
2. How do you want to create a sense of safety for yourself? How will you create safety for important others in relationships?
3. What points of view can you change that we’re creating unsafety?
4. Make a list of needs and start communicating your feelings and needs to others instead of blaming, shaming, judging, and avoiding.

Keep in mind that this is a process, and you can focus on one aspect at a time or several. Take your time and watch what will unfold and be released before you!

Photo by Stefanie Jockschat on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Tonia Cordi

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.

Do you avoid having people over because of the intense shame you feel about the state of your home?

Shame shows up in many ways and is a direct result of childhood and life experiences. It’s an emotion that comes up automatically when you’ve experienced trauma. The intensity, how long it lasts, and your ability to transform it depend on many factors. Because it’s such a big topic, I’ll be writing about it for the next few months.

Over the years, I’ve seen shame come up in all of my clients. Sometimes, just having me in their home triggers so much shame that they struggle with having me back. The embarrassment and the sheer, intense vulnerability of being seen are just too much. When you go out and see friends or allow yourself to be vulnerable to a trauma coach, they won’t see your home. That part of you can stay hidden. Being in someone’s home is highly personal, and seeing their physical space adds another visible layer of the effects trauma has had.

What is Shame?

There are many definitions, each describing the emotion as being intensely painful and uncomfortable. Brene Brown states that “shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” It comes up when we are seen in a way that we don’t want to be seen.

Shame is a primary response to a traumatic event (too much, too soon, too fast, too intense, for too long, or not enough). It can dissipate with love, care, and support. It can also turn into toxic shame if we continue to go out of our way to hide instead of changing or continuously having others make us feel bad about it.   Our inner critic becomes even stronger around the unwanted parts, and this constant protection puts you on high alert,  getting stuck in sympathetic mode (fight or flight) or dorsal (freeze or fawn).  Reconnecting to your body and breathing and decoupling from your mind are the first steps to taking your power back and dissolving the toxic shame that lies within you.

What does it look like?

There are common patterns that show up with shame: feeling like you are not good enough or not worthy. Brene Brown reminds us that “shame drives two big tapes in your mind: ‘Never good enough’ and ‘Who do you think you are?’” These inner voices are a direct result of being shamed for your behaviour, feeling shame because of a traumatic experience that has happened to you, or both. The effects trauma has on someone often outweigh the traumatic experience itself.  The role of shame is to protect, however, when it turns into toxic shame it ends up making you feel like there is something inherently wrong with you.

When this cycle begins at a young age, because of family or community dynamics, you can’t express yourself authentically because it’s not safe. If you do you will be critized, shamed, punished or scapegoated. This then creates another level of shame because you learn to  shame yourself on top of being shamed by others (the inner critic).

Our emotions create feelings that are then followed by actions, beliefs, stories, and behaviours. What usually follows is hiding out and making ourselves small. It binds to other positive emotions and dulls their intensity s. Fear and anxiety increase, creating a wall of protection. For some, this looks like being chronically defensive, emotionally unavailable, or developing harmful coping mechanisms like drinking, drugs, binge-watching TV, emotional eating, and shopping.

Oh my, this is a lot to carry! Luckily, there are ways to release shame and transform it into healthy shame and empowerment. I will explore this a bit in this blog and go deeper in next month’s blog.

The family dynamics of shame

Often, families with unresolved trauma and dysfunctional ways of coping become shame-based family systems. Shame is meant to control others in the family through blaming. Making a family member the black sheep makes it easier to draw attention away from oneself. It’s a way for someone to deny their own shame. When this happens often to a family member, they begin to attack themselves and develop an inner critic.

This toxic shame never goes away. It’s not like other flash emotions (like anger) that come and go quickly,and that signal the need for a behavioural shift. Instead, it lives inside your head and your heart, dictating every move out of fear because if you are not on guard, then you are likely to be attacked. This pattern of protection and the inner critic cause you to disconnect from yourself, others, and the world. This bridge between our interpersonal world and the outside world is lost, and you are left alone on an island of protection. This bridge can be rebuilt through setting boundaries, healing from the pain, and learning how to love yourself.

What is healthy shame? Healthy shame stands on guard instead. It makes us feel bad when we have made a mistake and encourages us to seek responsibility and repair.  As normal human emotions, shame is short-lived and less intense. You recognize the harmful behaviour, but don’t judge your entire personality. There is no longer an inner critic that dominates. It becomes ok not to be perfect. We can own up to our shortcomings versus going out of our way to hide them at all costs. Rather, the feeling of shame becomes a small nudge to pay attention and to check in if you are in alignment with your values.

How does it create clutter in your life?

The different ways shame shows up also play a role in the clutter it creates in your life.

Fawn/Cling

As innate social beings, we have a strong desire to belong, be valued, and be accepted by others. As children, our survival depends on it. If our basic needs of love, boundaries, and safety are not met, we develop unhealthy coping mechanisms as adults. This looks like being frozen and withdrawn in anger because expressing it was unsafe. There isn’t a sense of inner strength that you can do things on your own, meaning clinging to others no matter how bad it is.

With people pleasing and any other form of unhealthy coping, you don’t focus on what you need for yourself. Anger is an emotion that tells you someone is crossing your boundary. If you ignore this and constantly focus on others instead of yourself, things get left aside and build up. Everything from your health, personal finances, your career, and even your belongings. Taking the time to keep yourself in order is last on the list because, most likely, you are also enabling someone else’s irresponsibility. Reconnecting to yourself, your power to say no, and getting to know your needs are the first steps to shifting this pattern.

Attack Self

This is where the strong inner critic comes in and demands that everything you do is “perfect”.  It’s a sense that there is something “wrong” with you and that you’re not good enough, others know better than you, you are bad and you deserve it when something bad happens to you.

What does this look like when we are talking about a cluttered life? For one, way too many products or items to fit a very specific purpose. For example, having a significant amount of cleaning products each basically doing the same thing..  This perfectionism can also look like having an extremely clean home where everything perfectly placed but when you open up the cupboards they are crammed with every item possible to appear perfect or to fill the void that you feel inside of you.

Withdrawing

Often if you attack self and tend to fawn, it’s likely that it’s paired with withdrawing. Here you go within and feel sorry for yourself and spend a lot of time ruminating. This creates a lifestyle of isolating and distrust. From this isolation, lack of connection and support you then lose faith and hope.

Not being present for yourself also means not being present in your spaces. Like with most coping strategies, things pile up. Here, it’s because you literally can’t because you go so within that likely you are in dorsal and frozen, making it hard to get anything done. Guilt and shame then take over, creating a vicious cycle of wanting to get things done but being frozen with shame and fear of not doing it perfectly; you do nothing.

Getting support from someone you trust and slowly rebuilding your sense of self so that you can trust others is a wonderful way to slowly disarm the inner critic.

Denial

If you live in denial, then you are disconnected from yourself and your spaces. There is a sense of numbness, and this often leads to addictions. All to keep that numbness going because to feel is too much. It also means pretending that nothing happened or downplaying it, whether it was something that happened to you or something you did to someone else that caused harm.

This disconnection causes you to literally not see the mess. I’ve had many clients who don’t notice how cluttered and chaotic things are until we’ve cleared and organized things, and they are able to see the difference. Often, they are used to having things all over the place, having grown up in homes similar to theirs. I know for myself that sometimes it’s hard to see how bad things are until I’m removed from a situation or I experience something totally different.

Learning how to connect to yourself, others and your spaces allows you to take ownership of what has happened and what is happening in the present moment.

Attacking others

Instead of going within to attack, lashing out allows a person to not take responsibility and also means denying that anything needs to be addressed. Often, this is paired with rage, violence, contempt, and gaslighting. Being disconnected in a way that you are constantly playing the victim and everyone is against you.

This outward deflection creates chaos in your life and an avoidance of dealing with anything. Likely, you have someone who cleans up the mess after you, literally and figuratively, meaning you don’t have a true sense of your responsibility and someone else’s. You also don’t see the chaos and clutter you create because someone else is taking care of it for you. It’s time for a wake-up call and drastic steps to calm your inner anger and soothe your possibly broken heart. Getting support to release anger in a healthy way is a wonderful first step to shifting your energy to a more loving, responsible way of being.

First Steps to Releasing and Shifting Shame

1. Take some time to identify the areas where you feel shame in your everyday life.
2. See if you can make the connection to the experience of where it started.
3. What shame reaction did you develop from that experience?
4. How does this shame reaction affect:
   1. Your relationships
   2. Your spaces
   3. How you spend your time
   4. Your ability to create the life you want
5. Who can you unpack this shame and coping mechanisms with?
6. What part can you let go of?
7. How can you transform the emotion into empowerment and also change the story of what you think and feel about yourself?
8. What activities, hobbies, practices, books, and exercises can you do to build your sense of self and your worth and be more connected to your power?
9. Now, is that story true of what someone said about you? Or was it them dumping their shame on you?
10. What do you want to tell yourself now?
11. Celebrate the changes you’ve made!

Releasing shame takes time, and with it, you can also release the clutter in all areas of your life, making life flow with ease, joy, and grace.

Photo by Romario Roges on Unsplash

Tonia Cordi is a transformational life coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow and heal. Her 5 step process allows individuals to declutter their life, reconnect with themselves, their life purpose and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on website or youtube channel.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Tonia Cordi

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.

A willingness to let go is probably at the top of the list when it comes to transforming resentment. If we are not able to let go of what happened then there is no moving forward with new insights, beliefs, connections or repair. 

How many times have you found yourself saying, “Well, you _____ last time, so I”m not going to____.” What’s underneath this statement is a natural yet unhelpful sense of wanting to be right, win the battle, and get back at the other person. Relationships are not a battleground, and when we view them that way, it only creates an ongoing war between you and the other person. Bringing up the past only taints the present moment and doesn’t allow for a shared understanding and clarity on how to move forward. 

What causes conflict?

1. When there are misunderstandings. 

People view the world differently and describe similar points of view and situations using different words, analogies, and phrases. It’s important to get clear on what others are saying so that you can be sure that what you are understanding is accurate. 

2. Repetitive disappointment. 

How many times has someone you love promised you something and then yet again they don’t follow through with actions and changed behaviour? This affects the ability to trust the other person, their words and even apologies become meaningless. This brings on a sense of hopelessness since change seems impossible.

3. Triggers and flashbacks.

Triggers bring us back into the past and can keep us trapped in a flashback. This could last minutes to weeks. It’s important to understand what you are feeling and what you need. Especially with recurring conflicts we are often acting from a reactionary place of the past instead of consciously trying to address something in the present moment. 

4. Sense of unsafety. 

When one or both people feel unsafe the walls of defensiveness come up and the game is over. In a defensive state we become mean, we blame, gossip, want to run away or we freeze up. In this protective mode, weare operating from the sympathetic nervous system. In this state problem solving, showing compassion and active listening are impossible. 

5. Disrespected and dishonored

Disrespect and dishonor can further create separation and disconnection in any type of relationship. It means receiving the message that you are not valued, appreciated, or accepted for who you really are. This is a sign that things have gone overboard and escalated to a point where there may be name-calling, insults, harsh sarcasm, threats, and yelling. 

6. When our needs are not met

This is a common one where people become resentful, angry, and depressed. It’s important to know what your needs are, express them clearly, and check with the other person to see what their capacity is to meet those needs at any given time. Otherwise, you will have unrealistic and unclear expectations that can lead to further resentment for both parties. 

When these types of conflicts occur, we feel unsafe and tend to doubt ourselves, mistrust others, see them as enemies, experience fear about the future, and become dysregulated. It’s likely that you experience one or more of these types of conflicts, which create a messy mesh of compounded issues and stress. 

With ongoing unresolved conflicts and disagreements, you are probably left feeling emotionally unstable. Being in this state makes it challenging to make clear decisions based on your values and sole purpose. This also pulls you away from yourself and creates a disconnection between your mind, body, and spirit. For example, if you have an ongoing argument with your sweetheart about who does the dishes, plus constant bickering about how you spend money, you are likely to look at other interactions from a lens of anger and resentment. 

How does anger turn into resentment?

Anger is a normal and healthy human emotion that signals a boundary has been crossed, you are in danger, or you’ve been wronged in some way. It tells you action is needed. It’s a flash emotion that, if you express and clear it, goes away quickly.  It’s when you hold onto it or keep it in that it turns into resentment. Most of us have not been taught how to deal with anger in a healthy way, so we live with many resentments that drain our energy, make us heavy, bitter, and focused on what we don’t have or how we’ve been wronged. 

What does this do? Well, it changes your body, cells, energy, mind, and spirit. It slowly eats away at your entire being. It affects all of you and all areas of your life. Resentment is the most destructive force in any relationship. It’s been shown that resentment is a major cause of cancer. Imagine how powerful your emotions are that they can make you sick and kill you. And the amazing news is that you have the power to transform and let go of emotions energetically. If they can make us this sick and wipe us out, learning how to harness the power of all emotions can also change us for the better and live with meaning and soul purpose. I’ll get to that in the next blog. First, we will look at how to repair a relationship after a disconnection. 

Phases for reconnecting after a conflict 

1. Conflict – there is a misunderstanding of some sort that causes a break of connection between two or more people (as shown in the section above). This can either shift quickly with someone stepping up and calming the situation or move into the next phase of disconnection. 
2. Disconnection – Here there are very little means of communicating in a loving way. It’s when that wall goes up and there is attack or defensiveness from one or both parties, a sense of unsafety and even mistrust. This disconnection can last moments to years if the issue is not resolved.
3. Understanding and ownership – The most fundamental piece in creating connection and peace after an argument is that there needs to be a shared understanding of what happened. Now, this doesn’t come easily for many, and it could even start with an effort to understand and acknowledge your part (even if you don’t fully understand how your actions were harmful). What creates a massive shift is being willing to listen to how you affected the other person and letting them know you want to find ways to create a safe, loving relationship. 
4. Action and agreeing – Words without actions become more broken promises. Be open to taking small steps towards change and together creatively collaborate on how you can move forward, how you will check in and how you will both be accountable to this new path. Part of taking action is also agreeing how you will move forward and more importantly how you will better communicate if there is a misunderstanding. 
5. Reconnection – Once action has been taken and you agree on how you will approach things moving forward, even if you don’t have all the answers, a sense of safety is recreated. This safety allows for a reconnection and to be in rhythm together again. It means that both people feel safe now and that the lines of communication are fully open again in a loving way – enforcing the safety.

This is a very quick overview of how reconnecting in a loving way can be daunting and scary, but it is also liberating to create the deepest and most meaningful relationships you’ve ever had. When we have that trusting and safe relationship with someone, we can grow and learn about ourselves; our most important healing happens in healthy relationships with others. I’ll be providing more guidance and options in part two of this blog as well as a mini course coming out this summer!

I’d like to finish off with a reminder that even when we have understanding, awareness, and some acceptance of a situation, we can still have resistance to change. This “trap” happens for many reasons. For one, the brain is used to the same chemical combo, and changing means changing that combo. The brain and body want the same status quo because it’s safe, familiar, and comforting even if it’s causing you harm and is keeping you stuck in the past. We all need a little push every now and then and to tell ourselves, no! Just do it! To keep us moving in the direction of being clear and acting from our hearts instead of our heads.

Photo by Afif Ramdhasuma on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Tonia Cordi

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.

The disconnection from the mind, body and spirit plays a role along with the long list of coping mechanisms our society profits from. For example, cigarettes, alcohol, cosmetics, Netflix, and other online platforms make it easy to disconnect, avoid, and lose connection to your soul purpose. 

Intergenerational Trauma

When trauma extends through multiple generations of the same family, it can be considered intergenerational trauma.  This looks like:

• Trauma itself ie. domestic violence occurring over and over
• Behaviours ie. keeping secrets or manipulation
• Beliefs and points of view ie. “children must do as they are told”
• Traumatic responses ie. seeing the world as a dangerous place where you can’t trust anyone
• Trapped emotions ie. resentment in family members

Families who’ve experienced trauma tend to have isolation patterns instead of interacting with the world. They normalize these events, allowing the cycle to continue. How people cope with trauma itself can create more trauma as well. For example, Bob was abused by his father, who was also abused by his own father. Bob then chooses to cope with this trauma by gambling and putting his own family into debt. This creates more trauma for his nuclear family, causing this pattern to continue and be passed down to his children unless someone decides to change.

What’s interesting is the way families cope with trauma is often counterproductive. There is a tendency to be extremely resistant to change. There is a lot of conditional love, guilt-tripping, scapegoating, and secrets. Shame and shaming others is another huge factor that keeps the cycle going because sharing what happened is shameful, so secrets are kept, and the abuse and dysfunctional dynamics continue. 

All of these coping mechanisms tend to create avoidance and denial, which means dealing with life gets pushed aside, and the clutter builds up in all areas. Clutter isn’t just the stuff in your physical spaces, it’s also found in the way you use your time, your mind, body and spirit. These areas get filled with unresolved tasks, emotions, thoughts, points of view, and limiting beliefs. For example, Bob never learned how to take care of himself; now, he is unable to teach his children how to pick up after themselves around the house. They never learn how to process their emotions or how to let go of resentments, old belongings, and rigid points of view. 

Basic Needs Being Met

As you can imagine, intergenerational trauma can be seen in all families to one degree or another. How do you break the cycle and transform from the lineage of traumatic events? It means looking at how our actions, behaviours and points of view that keep us trapped in the past, or worrying about the future, instead of thriving and creating. 

Keeping things simple is my motto, and I want to shift gears and take the approach of looking at basic needs that are not being met. Cultivating and nurturing those needs NOW, you can create transformation from intergenerational trauma and the clutter it creates in your life. When we grow up in a home with unresolved trauma, it’s very likely that our basic needs were not met. Our parents’ needs were not met growing up, and they themselves were unsure how to meet theirs and ours. 

Alex Howard talks about these fundamental needs as love, safety and boundaries. When we grow up our parents or caregivers need to provide us with these three fundamentals in order for us to develop into healthy, happy adults that can take on the challenges of life with ease and grace.

So what happens to us when these needs are not met? We develop dysfunctional coping mechanisms to try and fill those needs and end up creating more stress and harm in our lives.

We are more affected when we experience stressful situations. This looks like having trouble at work and feeling it more intensely and not believing you will be ok(this is connected to safety). If a relationship ends, we feel destroyed when it’s over(this comes from our need to be loved). We desire to commit to working out, but just can’t make time for it.(this relates to not having healthy boundaries growing up).

It affects us in all areas of our life and our internal compass. Instead of seeing the world as a wonderful place, it’s scary and we don’t have what it takes to “make it”. We think we are not loveable and tend to have anxious or avoidant attachment styles. We don’t want to show our true feelings out of fear of getting hurt or hurting others. 

This creates a cascade of daily habits, routines & beliefs that we learned subconsciously from our family and unless we consciously look at them the cycle will continue. Unless we learn otherwise it will all seem normal because you don’t know any different.

Moving Beyond The Trauma + The Clutter

Unresolved trauma means that the emotion that comes up during the traumatic experience is trapped in our bodies as energy. Remember, an emotion is energy in motion! If our parents experienced a trauma and they felt a lot of sadness and resentment yet never released it,  it gets passed down to us through our DNA and energy field. Strategies like the emotion code help release trapped emotions that you’ve absorbed, inherited from others or from your own trauma. It’s a beautiful blend of science and spirituality, and I’ve been enjoying playing with it and adding it to my toolbox.

Something else to consider is that to transform from the past doesn’t mean you have to relive it. Just allowing yourself to feel the emotion, breathing into it, and accepting the emotion is healing. Talking too much about what happened over and over again hardwires it into your brain and makes it harder to let go. Try the strategies below to see how you can release the past for both you and your family. Remember, when we transform, osmosis happens, and we change the energy of our lineage, which changes everything around us!

Part of this shift comes from changing our narrative and point of view. When we can release the trauma and the story around it, it completely changes how we engage in the world. This means the stories you’ve been telling yourself about not being able to keep up, staying organized and being free of clutter will shift.Then you have the chance to create  new ways to engage in your life that are clutter free on all levels. The suggestions below are only a few ways you can release trauma and clutter in your life. 

Strategies To Clear Clutter + Trauma

1. Release Trapped Emotions + Limiting Points of View

• Use EFT to release old beliefs and create new ones that align with your true essence
• Emotion Code to release old trapped emotions

2. Challenge Your Story

• What’s true now?
• Asking is this true – 7 times – finding out if it’s the past living in the present
• Make it a daily practice to see if you are allowing your point of view to run the show or are you allowing yourself to experience life and play with whatever comes your way

3. What Else Is Possible?

• What would it take to feel safe?
• What gift has anxiety given me that I haven’t seen yet?
• What else could be possible if I let go of fear?
• What else could be possible if I don’t know the answer?
• What is possible now if this story is no longer true?
• What’s right about me that I’m not getting?

The struggle to be yourself and stay in alignment didn’t happen from one challenging experience. We have many parts, and in order to reconnect, we can integrate different strategies to align and stand in our power with love. And most of all, have fun doing it! Play and see what works and what doesn’t. There is no right or wrong way, there is a way for you and the joy is finding out how.

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow and heal. Her 5 step process allows individuals to declutter their life, reconnect with themselves, their life purpose and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on website or youtube channel.

Do you struggle with ADHD, anxiety, or trauma and the clutter it creates? Are you ready to get your life in order and create a more balanced and calm?

Learn how to declutter and organize your life in this four-week support group. This means decluttering everything, including your belongings, beliefs, time wasters, and trapped emotions. Let go of your past and what’s holding you back! In this four-week support group, we will go over a five-step process each week and discuss how to implement it in the area of your life that you would like to focus on.

Date and time:
Tuesday Nov 5th, 12th, 19th, 26th at 12pm to 1pm EST
OR
Thursday Nov 7th, 14th, 21st, 28th at 7pm to 8pm EST

To learn more visit – https://toniacordi.com/coursesandgroups/

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Tonia Cordi

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.

The way this shows up around resistance is that often people get stuck in denial and blame family members, roommates, and partners for the clutter and chaos when, in fact, they, too, play a huge role in the mess. This prevents you from creating change because you do not take responsibility, and you also don’t have any power over the situation. Denial definitely stems from fear and not knowing what’s on the other side. This fear causes a sense of being unsafe, which, in turn, causes your brain to keep you in protection mode, unable to change.

Another way that resistance shows up when working in people’s homes is when someone is not able to keep up because of their rigid way of doing things. For example, using an item only once and then washing it even though there are no stains or signs that it’s dirty. Fun fact: in personality psychology, someone who is rigid is the most unhappy. This is because our true nature is to adapt to our ever-changing environment.  The flip side of rigidity is chaos, where a person doesn’t have any routines, healthy habits, or structure. This can be seen when someone only gets groceries when the fridge is absolutely bare, or they literally have no clothes to wear because they don’t have a chore routine. 

This is an indicator of a larger underlying issue that is most likely related to trauma.  The second stage of trauma recovery is denial, where the third stage is chaos and rigidity. It’s important to take some time to check in and have the courage to be honest with ourselves. This means looking at our behaviours and seeing if they stem from us adapting after traumatic events. At that time, they may have served us. However, it may be time to see if they are still serving us in living a healthy and balanced life. 

What is resistance?

Resistance can be easily misunderstood as someone consciously giving you a hard time when you propose a change. Whether it’s work, a partner, family, or friends, everyone experiences a sense of not wanting to change. If the change were easy, I and most other helping professionals would be out of work. There are multiple theories for our unwillingness to change. I think most of us can relate to the fact that often, simply the idea of change brings on a sense of unsafety and fear of the unknown.

The key element to understand is that one of the major jobs of our brain is to keep us alive. If we are alive, the brain prefers stability and routine. These patterns and habits require less energy and effort. This doesn’t mean the brain doesn’t thrive in new and challenging situations. A certain level of stress allows a person to thrive and grow. However, when it’s too much for an individual, the stress can be overwhelming and change seems terrifying. We need to understand that these responses are wired into us and perfectly normal. 

Change can be invigorating and something to fully embrace. Have you ever noticed how easy it is to change when it is something really important or something you are really excited about?

Why don’t people want to change then? It requires vulnerability, admitting your part in a situation, discomfort, a sense of the unknown, and not feeling safe for a while. However, engaging in change as part of your daily life increases your resiliency and ability to adapt.. Like anything, the more you do it, the better you get at it!

How does resistance show up?

Resistance is very closely connected with anxiety. They both induce a sense of fear and uncertainty. When we are in these states, our nervous system is on high alert. This affects the 4 realms of being human: our body, emotions, thoughts, and spirit. On top of that, since we are social animals, change can potentially make or break a relationship. The feedback we get from those around us about what perhaps needs changing is one of the most powerful ways to learn about ourselves (if we allow it).Let’s look at some ways of how this shows up, and you will see the similarities to both anxiety and high levels of stress. 

Body:  

• Tension
• Pain
• Migraine, Headache
• Inflammatory diseases 

Emotions:

• Anger, fear, anxiety, self-doubt
• Avoiding, withdrawing, numbing

Thoughts/Cognitive:

• Racing thoughts, overthinking vs taking action
• Seeking distractions
• “I’m fine”
• “I can’t do it”
• “Things will never change”
• “It’s not so bad”

Social:

• Blaming others, overly focused and involved in other’s lives
• Failed relationships or stuck in unhappy relationships
• Avoid, attack or criticise
• Interrupting or tuning out 

Spiritual:

• Substance abuse 
• Hopelessness 
• Disconnection
• Loss of purpose

Why do we resist change?

One major reason people resist change is a feeling of lack of safety. As mentioned in last month’s blog, anxiety is fear of the future and the unknown. When there is a problem and what we’ve been doing hasn’t worked, it requires us to change in order to see a solution. This however means that we don’t know what’s on the other end. 

When someone lacks confidence, a sense of self, and insecurity, the sense of fear and unwillingness to change will most likely be higher. Someone who struggles to change could also be someone seen as having a fixed mindset where they state that this is just how I am so deal with it. When deep down, they experience a deep sense of fear and uncertainty. At the end of the day we all want to feel at peace within ourselves and experience a sense of contentment most of the time. Moving towards this means being open to change and finding a way to do it where we feel supported, safe and a sense of challenge where we can grow.

Ways to Use Resistance as a place to grow

The first step to seeing resistance as a place to grow is changing your relationship to it. Resistance allows us to push up against something, and when we move through that challenge, we improve our sense of worth, grow, and have the opportunity to learn. 

Next is taking responsibility for our part in any given situation. This ownership takes you out of victim mode and into empowerment mode. By being an observer of your actions, beliefs and fears you can see how they have affected you and others. This inventory is very powerful because it allows you to step back and see what is working and what needs to change. 

Sometimes, this is a challenge for those who don’t see their part in a situation. A technique used often in motivational interviewing allows a person to map out. 

Another approach to helping someone change is to first identify the barrier then look at how they can see the situation differently and also approach it differently. I’m a huge fan of putting things into perspective and finding new ways to engage in something. This reframe is a big part of the work I do with clients shining light on an area that seems too much and overwhelming can now be seen as something to enjoy or grow from. 

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow and heal. Her 5 step process allows individuals to declutter their life, reconnect with themselves, their life purpose and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on website or youtube channel.

Tonia Cordi

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.

Many of us were not taught how to express our emotions in a way that is not harmful to ourselves or others. Often, people hold them in until the kettle boils, and there is an explosion of anger, frustration, or sadness. Many of us go to a place of denial to cope with emotions that are hard to express or deal with. When you get used to not expressing yourself, it becomes a habit, and anything new often feels scary, including your own emotions and feelings. 

I’ve seen denial often with clients over the years who have called me to help them with their life clutter. When we hit a soft spot around why they have the clutter out, there are many excuses, downplaying, blaming, and other comments that prevent them from facing the truth. For example, blaming a partner for not putting items away in the home is the reason for the clutter. Meanwhile, they have an excessive amount of belongings that they don’t use or need. There is a long list of why they need to keep them, and there is no going around it. This creates a brick wall to get anywhere because if something doesn’t change, then the situation can’t change. Without getting to the root cause of why things are the way they are, it is hard to address a situation fully. 

What is denial?

One definition is that “denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety.” Kendra Cherry talks about how you can’t look at what’s really happening or the consequences of your actions. It’s having trouble accepting something that seems like more than you can handle. Denial is a way to cope with something that seems just too big to deal with and impossible to change. Taking it slowly gives a person time to shine a light on the situation at a speed that allows them to address it bit by bit. Ideally, this slow process is with the help of someone where you can move through it with support, less stress, less confusion and overwhelm, and more clarity. 

Going back to the earlier example of the client who has too much stuff they don’t need, it might be helpful to take micro steps by looking at beliefs and where they came from and then letting go of items.

Just like shame, denial protects a person from what is just too much. We often associate denial with individuals who struggle with mental health and addictions.. I’d like to let go of the labels and say that it happens to all of us in one way or another. Denialis someone struggling to deal with change. This is called being human. Our brain wants to keep things simple and save energy, and as Erin Urban says, it wants “situation normal.” Our brain is used to chemical combinations, and anything different just doesn’t fly.  The brain always defaults to the easier path. In a way, denial is one way the brain says no to change. 

The other thing to note is that sometimes you might have an awareness of a situation yet are unable to articulate it or think about it in a logical way. There are times when words don’t work, and just being in a situation in an energetic way means being patient and waiting for more answers to come. So, where some may say it’s denial, it could be their point of view, judgments, and projects of what they see. However, you are experiencing something totally different, and denial is actually not the case. 

Getting in tune with how you feel and what is going on in all areas of your life will help you discern when it’s denial and when you are aware that things are unfolding in a way that doesn’t require direct action. 

What are the signs of denial?

I’ve reflected on, researched, and compiled some of the many ways denial shows up: 

1. Downplaying the situation
2. Denying family situations, a situation at work, relationship dynamics 
3. You refuse to talk about a problem that is affecting you and/or others
4. You find ways to justify your behaviour that is clearly causing harm in some way
5. You blame other people or outside forces for causing the problem
6. You persist in a behavior despite negative consequences
7. You promise to address the problem in the future but then don’t
8. You avoid thinking about the problem
9. The person in denial often truly doesn’t see a problem
10. Making excuses for your repetitive behaviours that cause chaos

How can you let go of denial?

Decluttering goes beyond your spaces and time-wasters. Letting go is essentially letting go of what is making you heavy, stuck, and overwhelmed. 

With denial comes a story of why things are the way they are. These stories have been repeated, recycled, and reused for years.  It’s a way to not face what you are afraid of, and it’s okay to avoid something that doesn’t feel possible. Asking questions is a very powerful process that I’ve practiced for many years with clients, and I found that it has helped shift old mindsets and points of view. Recently, I’ve come across the approach from Dain Heer regarding what is possible and integrated it into the questions I ask clients.  Start asking questions and get curious: 

• How can you make the situation possible in a way that allows you freedom? 
• What do you need to make it possible? 
• What story can you let go of around a particular situation? 
• What are you downplaying?
• What would it take to change this?
• What else is possible that you haven’t considered?

Other ways to deal with denial

Involve someone else

If you are dealing with a loved one or someone else in your life who is struggling and unable to face a particular situation, it can be helpful to involve a third party. This can be tricky, especially if the person isn’t open to getting help in general, doesn’t see a problem or a reason to speak to anyone, or is completely resistant to change. In those cases, you can focus on how it affects you, and speaking to someone is really about helping you deal with the situation. This allows you to own your part, let go of what they do, and get your needs met while maybe even creating some shift in perspective for the other person. 

Compassion, Nonjudgement, Listening

Often, people don’t open up because they don’t feel safe, and they have a lot of shame around a particular situation they have been avoiding, hence the reason for the denial. If you are able to come from a place of compassion, understanding, and truly listening, then the other person will feel this and slowly open up. This is not reality TV, though, and having one long, intense conversation is not going to solve the problem. Rather I invite you to get curious in tiny steps making it easier for you to stay grounded and centered and for the other person to feel safe enough to shift and open bit by bit. This goes for you as well if you are looking at your own avoidance and denial. 

Take care of yourself

What can you do to address the situation without taking care of everything in a codependent way? Is there a way that you can be of support and make sure your needs are being taken care of?

At the end of the day, there are infinite ways to describe a situation. Slapping it with a definitive label like denial keeps people trapped, feeling shame and more avoidant to tackle the problem. Rather, be honest with yourself and those around you, keep it simple, and ask:

• Is this situation really as it seems?
• What point of view can I change so that I’m not projecting, judging, or rejecting myself or others?
• What is possible that I haven’t considered that could create more ease in this situation?

Most of all, be kind to yourself and balance taking action and observing without judgment to get clear on what you want to create and where you want to put your energy.

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.

Photo from Unsplash: samantha-gades-LA6XfeVI5_c-unsplash 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Tonia Cordi

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.

What does this have to do with life clutter? TONS! In my work decluttering with people over the last nine years, I noticed that most of the time, their clutter is caused because they are reacting from a place of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. It’s those reactions that become habits, they have a story connected to them which began from a challenging or traumatizing experience. In order to cope with that experience, your nervous systems went into protective mode, and you developed a way to feel safe. Most of us cycle through the same reactions over and over without ever stopping to ask questions or examine if those reactions serve us or are necessary anymore. 

Your F Type and your Nervous System

Our nervous system has an innate automatic response that allows us to react in four different ways. It’s what keeps us safe and aware of a threat, and it judges our ability to respond to danger. When you are outside of your window of tolerance, and your nervous system is on alert for perceived danger, you will move into an f type. Your nervous window is your ability to deal with stress without going into sympathetic (fight or flight) or dorsal (freeze or fawn). Being able to know when you are in these states is the first step to stopping your reactionary cycle and finding better ways to respond that don’t create life clutter.  

The 4 f types:

Flight: You see a perceived threat and flee or go into hyperactivity or seek distractions.

Fight: You suddenly respond aggressively to something threatening.

Freeze: You feel helpless, so you numb out, disassociate, or collapse.

Fawn: You respond to threats by trying to please or help to appease the attacker at the cost of your own needs.

These can also be defined in how we feel and how we behave in the diagram below. Each is a piece of information for us to see how our reactions to feeling unsafe create our clutter.

When we are triggered by situations consistently, we can slip into one of the f types regularly. For example, many of us live a stressful life of working long hours, are always on the go, and never sit still long enough to know how we actually feel. Living in this activated state and being stuck in flight, as noted in the example above, means that you have not completed the cycle to get back into the ventral vagal. It all starts with a trigger (i.e. situation, environment) that pulls you out of the ventral vagal, where the nervous system perceives the situation as a threat. If you are not aware of the state you are in and don’t have daily activities or strong habits that automatically get you back into ventral vagal, you are unable to calm your nervous system. This ongoing activation causes illness through chronic stress and, as a result, reactionary behaviors that create clutter, chaos, and overwhelm in your life. 

Getting to know the different f types, what it looks like when you are outside of the ventral vagal, and connecting it to past trauma or challenging experiences will help you gain clarity and clear your life clutter. 

For example, if you tend to be in flight mode, you most likely start a task and don’t complete everything, from folding clothes to tidying the kitchen. What is the trigger that pulls you away from that task? Is there an overall sense of anxiety making it hard for you to stay still long enough to finish something? Does this task remind you of a previous experience where you were unsafe so you want to avoid those feelings and emotions? Asking yourself these questions when you are calm and supported is a great way to get some clarity on your reactions and clutter.

Trigger vs Flashback

I want to take a pause here and note that the information I’m providing is very brief. This is a huge topic, and my intention is to get you familiar with your f type and start noticing when you are out of ventral vaga. To learn more, I highly recommend this article on the nervous system and what happens to your body and mind. Pete Walker’s book “Complex PTSD From Surviving to Thriving” has great info on the f types as well as how to better understand trauma and tools to overcome it.

I want to explain the difference between a trigger and a flashback. A trigger is the initial situation, environment, or action that causes your body to set off an alarm because it’s similar to a past trauma. The state the body goes in, the emotions, thoughts, feelings, and the story you tell yourself are the flashbacks. The flashback makes you feel like you are in the past, and often, you may not even realize this. You may or may not have a story about it; it can just be a sensation in your body and a feeling. It’s like pushing a button to start a machine. What the machine does is the flashback. 

This can last moments or up to weeks. It is here that we act from a place outside of the ventral vagal and switch into a f type” that comes with feelings, behaviors, and beliefs that have become ingrained in us. These ingrained patterns are coping mechanisms that are specific to us and developed when we originally had a traumatic or challenging experience. 

Getting To Know Your “F Types” And The Clutter They Create

Regardless of what f types you are in, I’ve noticed when working with clients they all have difficulty making a realistic plan, they feel overwhelmed and a sense of shame. In some way there is a sense of holding onto a belief, items, a way of completing a task and a resistance to change. Use the table below to help you identify what state you are in, how you feel and how it might show up in your day to day life.

Supporting Your Nervous System To Stop Your Clutter-Creating Cycle

Staying connected to your ventral vagal means you feel grounded, centered, connected to yourself and others. Find ways to strengthen this state and understand the root cause by widening your window of tolerance through different daily practices, activities and exercises. I created the process below to help you get started as well as a list of daily practices to help you strengthen your nervous system.  

1. Becoming aware that you are outside of your nervous system window.
   • How does it feel in your body? Ie. racing heart, tight stomach
   • What is a red flag for you to signal when you are outside of the ventral vagal? Ie. black-and-white thinking, intense emotions
2. Slow down and breathe.
   • Connect with the part of your body where you feel activated
   • Breathe into that space and observe and allow any stories, thoughts, feelings, or beliefs to flow freely. Do not act in this state!
3. Ask yourself if possible:
   • How am I feeling?
   • What do I need?
4. Use your go to strategy list to get back into ventral vagal. Different strategies will be better than others depending on the situation.
5. Once you are back in the ventral vagal and can make the time to reflect, ask yourself:
   • What triggered you?
   • What emotions came up?
   • What needs were not being met? How can you get that need met?
   • What can you do next time instead of reacting?
   • What support can you get to help process and heal from the trigger ie. therapy, trauma coach, healer, friend etc.
   • What belief, behavior, or reaction did you become aware of that creates clutter in your life? How can you replace it with something that keeps you grounded in ventral vagal and supports your needs?

Strategies to Strengthen and Get Back Into Ventral Vagal

• Singing
• Humming
• Om
• Breathwork
• Shaking
• Tapping
• Meditation
• Physical soothing touch
• Ear exercises see video
• Movement – i.e. walking
• Nature – grounding with a tree or barefoot
• Talk to someone you trust
• Cold shower or cold dip

When you are “outside your window” and unable to think clearly, it’s great to have a go-to list with your most effective strategies to remain in the ventral vagal. Practicing daily exercises that strengthen your ventral vagal allows you to embody these strategies to the point that you don’t have to think when you do go outside the window. Making this a part of your life can be very transformational not only in terms of how you feel but also in terms of having a more organized, calm, and confident life. 

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow and heal. Her 5 step process allows individuals to declutter their life, reconnect with themselves, their life purpose and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on website or youtube channel.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Tonia Cordi

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.

Not knowing or fully understanding what’s behind all the mess can be scary

Life clutter shows up in many ways aside from our physical spaces. It’s a puzzle with many pieces that include unfinished to-do lists, unresolved emotions, clutter in our minds with repetitive and intrusive thoughts, and the buildup of unresolved issues with family, friends, and partners, to name a few… It’s an element of our life that isn’t being dealt with, and it then accumulates. Unfortunately, for many of us, things need to get really bad before we feel motivated to do anything.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Not knowing or fully understanding what’s behind all the mess can be scary. Knowing what help you need and reaching out can be even more frightening, confusing, and overwhelming. All the scary things that come with change make it easier to stay in the comfort of what we are used to than roll up your sleeves, face the truth, and make those difficult changes. 

Timing is everything. Going too hard too fast can cause trauma or re-traumatize in itself. It’s important to slowly uncover what’s in the cramped closets of your life and start by getting informed, gathering tools and strategies to deal with stress, and having faith that improving things is in your power. As you take appropriate risks at the level of intensity that keeps you stable and growing, you will see the rewards in all aspects of your life. 

Emotional Effects and Clutter it Creates

Being able to truly accept your reality and emotional state is not easy. It’s important to understand that we are all human. We all experience trauma, which simply means a difficult experience that remains unresolved and trapped in our bodies. Knowing this can help you understand that there is nothing wrong with you and that healing will accompany the courage to take the first step to face the truth. 

When we grow up, we have experiences that form the way we think, believe, and behave. We learn behaviours from our parents and caregivers that we bring into adulthood. These behaviours affect how we deal with finances, our addictions, cleaning habits, life clutter, how we love, and how we act in relationships. Sometimes these behaviors are learned, while other times, we develop them as coping mechanisms to stay safe during the traumatic experience.

What I’ve learned from my own experiences and noticed with clients is that these traumatic experiences also make it difficult to manage our emotions, which then affects our actions and decision-making. A cycle then gets ingrained into our system, and we make decisions based on emotional reactions instead of logic based on the situation. Often, this shows up as avoiding dealing with tasks that feel overwhelming and triggering, so clutter piles up (everything from taking care of banking to home repairs to dealing with piles of unfolded laundry). Take a second here to think of what piles up for you when you feel overwhelmed, stressed, and not like yourself.

Emotional Effects and Clutter it Creates

Being able to truly sit with your reality and your emotional state is not an easy task. It’s important to understand that we are all human, we all experience trauma, which simply means a difficult experience that remains unresolved and trapped in our bodies. Knowing this can help you understand that there is nothing wrong with you and that healing will come along with the courage to take the first step to face the truth. 

When we grow up, we have experiences that form the way we think, believe, and behave. We learn behaviours from our parents and caregivers that we bring into adulthood. These behaviours affect how we deal with finances, our addictions, cleaning habits, to life clutter, how we love, and how we act in relationships. Sometimes these behaviours are learned while other times we develop them as coping mechanisms to stay safe during the traumatic experience.

What I’ve learned from my own experiences and noticed with clients is that these traumatic experiences also make it difficult to manage our emotions, which then affects our actions and decision-making. A cycle then gets ingrained into our system, and we make decisions based on emotional reactions instead of logic based on the situation. Often, this shows up as avoiding dealing with tasks that feel overwhelming and triggering, so clutter piles up (everything from taking care of banking to home repairs to dealing with piles of unfolded laundry). Take a second here to think of what piles up for you when you feel overwhelmed, stressed, and not like yourself.

Clutter in Relationships

The beliefs, behaviours, and reactions we form early on are emotional and often non-verbal. When we remain unaware of those early stories, we inevitably recreate them in our adult relationships, where we get trapped in triggers and entangled in others’ triggers, trauma, and reactions. When one person is triggered and unable to take responsibility for it, let alone be aware that they are triggered and dealing with a flashback, it becomes a ping-pong game of fighting, avoiding, deflecting, blaming, and projecting. This inevitably will strain or destroy even the strongest bonds. 

An example of how this can look in the home is when one person is always cleaning up the mess of a partner, literally and figuratively. This could be cleaning up after them in the kitchen, taking care of all the finances, or taking on all the responsibility of caring for the emotional side of the relationship’s needs. Often, this resembles codependent dynamics. When people grow up in homes that have unresolved trauma, codependency is usually an automatic response that shows up OR hyper-independence, which makes it very difficult to ask for help and makes you feel like you can only rely on yourself). Again, these behaviours are modeled and learned as a child, and you bring that with you into the world at large when you grow up. 

All of these examples show a lack of boundaries which then make it unclear who is responsible for what. Many people didn’t have a role model to show them what a healthy relationship looks like or how a home needs to be managed and maintained. This also includes self care and staying healthy: emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. 

I’ve seen families, couples, and individuals living a life where they take responsibility for 50% and the rest is hidden in closets, drawers, and cupboards. On the surface their home looks decent but if you open up a drawer you’ll see everything is a mess, unclear and unresolved. This creates a mirror image of how they are dealing with life, their trauma and their relationships.

Now what? How to clutter-free relationships and stabilize your emotions

The great news is that there is an abundance of new strategies, research, and effective ways to heal from trauma and reconnect with your true essence and life purpose. Below is part of the process that I use with clients to help them get clarity, gain tools to be more stable, and slowly deal with the life clutter and unresolved trauma. 

1. Values and focus
   1. Being disconnected from what is important to you, your needs, and your life purpose is very common when you have struggled with trauma and challenging life experiences.
   2. Taking time to evaluate what matters to you now and what you want to create helps give you an anchor and a road map to your boundaries and where to focus your energy.
2. Building the Foundation
   1. Making your general health a priority!!! Master the basics:
      1. Sleep, exercise, healthy food
      2. Socializing
      3. Fresh air and nature
      4. Exercises to regulate and strengthen your nervous system
      5. Self-care and daily routines
3. Boundaries
   1. What’s on your side of the street? What is your responsibility, and what is out of your capacity?
   2. Pay attention to feelings of anger. It’s telling you that a boundary has been crossed, and if it remains unspoken, resentment builds. What boundary is being crossed that you need to set around your self-care, clutter, and relationships?
4. Letting Go + Healing 
   1. Being able to release trauma comes in many forms. This can be very powerful when done in a physical space as a mirror of what’s trapped in the body physically, emotionally, energetically and in the nervous system. 
   2. Pairing this process with relationship work where you communicate, come to shared understandings, and focus on letting go of resentment, hurt, and pain while moving towards common ground, respect, and shared values.

To learn more how you can gain more awareness around your past and the clutter it creates book a free 30 minute clarity call here and get reconnected to your natural rhythm.

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow and heal. Her 5 step process allows individuals to declutter their life, reconnect with themselves, their life purpose and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on website or youtube channel.

Tonia Cordi

Tonia Cordi is a decluttering trauma coach and teacher who works with people who want to change, grow, and heal. Her five-step process allows individuals to declutter their lives, reconnect with themselves and their life purpose, and heal from trauma. You can learn more about her approach on her website or YouTube channel.