12 Step Programs | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org The Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research Tue, 11 Mar 2025 23:10:32 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://cptsdfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/cropped-Daily-Recovery-Support-Globe-iPad-Fav-32x32.png 12 Step Programs | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org 32 32 Transforming Tragedy, Secrets, and Lies https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/06/10/transforming-tragedy-secrets-and-lies/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/06/10/transforming-tragedy-secrets-and-lies/#respond Mon, 10 Jun 2024 11:13:36 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987489493 The imagined scene fades in: silhouette and shadow, sepia and blue-black charcoal. Fading dusk bleeds its final hint of burnt sienna. The rhythmic slap and skip-step of a single figure jumping rope. Those turning the rope and their haunting sing-song chant are just out of sight, hidden in the lengthening night. The words are indistinct, the tone eerie. Something about keeping secrets. An ominous warning.

***

I recently read an essay by Melissa Febos, “The Heart-Work: Writing About Trauma as a Subversive Act,” from 2017, which was later expanded and now appears as the first chapter, entitled “In Praise of Navel Gazing” in her 2022 collection of essays “Body Work: The Radical Power of Personal Narrative.” I read the original article on my laptop as I ate comfort food at a wooden picnic table near the lake. I had run away for the afternoon, taking time with myself, sorting through some uncomfortable emotions, and feeling raw. As I absorbed her story, tears appeared on the horizon. I was moved both by her compelling arguments about the transformative power of the truth but also by another layer of realization of my own hard stories pulsing in my veins, chanting in the half-darkness, waiting in the wings for their moment in the sun.

***

“This is the way adults love each other.”

“This is a grown-up secret, just between you and me.”

***

I’m seventeen, and I’ve agreed to check into Long Beach Memorial Hospital for a substance abuse treatment program for teens. I see the gray melamine meal tray, complete with a wooden spork and green Jello, in my mind’s eye. I am filling out a questionnaire. “Have you ever been sexually abused?” I mark the yes box. I feel defiant and strong. I am finally telling the truth. Do I understand the true freeing power of honesty at that time? It’s not how I do today, but somewhere in me, I am so tired of keeping secrets. My adult cousin had molested me when I was about 3 or 4.

I hadn’t thought that checkmark all the way through to the avalanche effect it was about to have. I was underage. My parents had to be told. Was it going to have to be reported?

Big surprise, they weren’t surprised. They already knew. Apparently, I had told them when it happened. Why did I still feel so betrayed? What could a young child have possibly told them anyway? Did they know to ask the right questions? Why was nothing ever done? Why did I still feel so unsafe? Why was my dad still buddy-buddy with this man who did what he did to me? Why did I feel like it was my fault?

***

“Men will only ever want one thing from you.”

***

My dad told me this multiple times, starting in junior high school. There was always a “look” and a “tone” that went along with this. I assume he thought he was protecting me. In high school, he told me I looked like a prostitute once and made me change my clothes.

My dad also repeatedly told friends and family the story about the summer I was developing, and he saw me in the rear-view mirror but hadn’t seen my face, just my body, and found himself gawking at me. Internally, I cowered in shame. Why was he proud of this fact? Why did I feel so dirty? What did I do wrong?

***

“If you really knew me and all my secrets, you wouldn’t want me, love me.

You’d run screaming in the other direction.”

***

The point in my life when I finally stood in the face of the truth at last and looked eye to eye with my own alcoholism and destructive patterns, my own Jekyll and Hyde, the wasteland of my tattered soul, was the same timeframe I started writing again. Among other things, writing saved my life and resurrected my sanity. The true transformation took root; my pen and ink were soil and water. With guidance, I began to look with clear eyes at myself and question who and what I was and what the hell was I doing in my life, not to mention asking and answering the questions starting with why. I dismantled secrets, washed clean the lies (including those I told myself of what was and wasn’t ok), and turned the clean laundry back right-side-out. I had lived in an inverted reality and didn’t even know it. The shame rode so deep in me. I couldn’t look you in the eye. I most certainly couldn’t even hold my own gaze in the mirror. I was dead inside. Too many secrets. Too many lies. For far too long.

***

“I had to walk back through my most mystifying choices and excavate events for which I had been numb on the first go-round.” – Melissa Febos

***

As I laid myself bare on the table, ink drained from me like blood. I felt like I was in a detective movie, making one of those link charts of stories and suspects, causes and conditions, trying to unravel an unruly ball of tangled yarn. I spoke of all my personal unspeakables, first on paper, then out loud to another. I told the stories and mistakes. I told how I hid and lied and cheated. I told things I could barely understand the meaning or implication of at the time. I recounted what I experienced, what had been done to me, and how each unhealed trauma had deepened my predisposition for the next, how I had become so broken and bent that I didn’t and couldn’t attract anything else. I had come this far and understood at a deep and visceral level that if nothing changed, nothing would change – that if I didn’t bring absolutely everything into the sunlight, then the simple truth was that I may not be able to move forward. And I already knew what backward looked like. No longer acceptable. Hope only lay ahead, in the unknown, in the light of day.

What happened next appeared gradually, like an acorn transmuting into a sapling, eventually growing into a mighty oak. Or maybe the better analogy is the beautiful lotus flower rising up out of the muck and mud at the bottom of the pond. I no longer have secrets. I may choose to keep something private, but the chains of silence no longer bind me. There is nothing that I have experienced, thought, said, or done that at least one other human being knows about. And there is sheer freedom and joy in this. I no longer feel the need to hide. I meet my own gaze in the mirror, and I know that someday, my stories of transforming my lived experience will help others transform theirs as well. No mud, no lotus.

***

“I say that refusing to write your story can make you into a monster. Or perhaps more accurately, we are already monsters. And to deny the monstrous is to deny its beauty, its meaning, its necessary devastation.”  — Melissa Febos

***

I began to feel grateful for pieces of my story. My escape into alcohol and, later, drugs may have been killing me, but it also medicated me and kept me alive in some ways. The pain that I endured both at the hands of others as well as at my own is a touchstone to growth. I don’t necessarily want to purge my past. Purify, transform, transmute, yes, but my battle scars are well-earned and, at times, even treasured. This is the rich and fertile soil that can help others transform their own.

. ***

“Navel-gazing is not for the faint of heart. The risk of honest self-appraisal requires bravery. To place our flawed selves in the context of this magnificent, broken world is the opposite of narcissism, which is building a self-image that pleases you. For many years, I kept a quote from Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet tacked over my desk: ‘The work of the eyes is done. Go now and do the heart-work on the images imprisoned within you.’ ”  — Melissa Febos

 

Photo by Suzanne D. Williams on Unsplash

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/06/10/transforming-tragedy-secrets-and-lies/feed/ 0 Healing from Childhood Trauma – It’s An Inside Job https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/09/22/healing-from-childhood-trauma-its-an-inside-job/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/09/22/healing-from-childhood-trauma-its-an-inside-job/#comments Fri, 22 Sep 2023 09:24:26 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=249834 I enjoy reading the sayings on my meditation app. I’ve also enjoyed sharing some of them in various places on social media recently. Today, I found one that connected for me, immediately, but that I hadn’t heard in its current iteration before: “Nobody can bring you peace but yourself,” by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

As I read it, I realized I’d originally connected with this sentiment in Al-Anon meetings in relation to the phrase “It’s an inside job,” author unknown.

I was so taken with this way of thinking that I went on Chat GPT and asked for different ways of saying the same thing, and the AI came up with 12 versions. The one I liked best is “Peace is a journey you must take on your own.”  

My version is “Peace of mind is a journey you must take on your own.”

They’re all true, but I like that last one (even as a small voice inside wants to call me a traitor for looking at an AI’s interpretation for inspiration).

For those of us with histories of trauma, finding peace of mind isn’t easy. We tend to look everywhere for the solution, except inside ourselves. It feels scary to go there. But what I’ve found over the years is that inside is actually a very safe place. We think of it as scary because our memories of bad people and scary events live there too. But, the actual experiences were external, and they’re over. In the present moment, inside myself, I can find peace.

The secret is to be very present — to remember and ground into the current reality instead of allowing our minds to carry us away into the past. But our minds aren’t actually the enemy, either.

The real enemy at this point is fear. It’s fear that keeps us going over and over scary things from the past, like a scratched 45 rpm vinyl record (if you know what I’m talking about you’re likely older than 40).

Science now says that we humans have what’s called a negativity bias. We continue to replay past events in our minds because that negativity bias is designed to keep the memory fresh, so we don’t forget, so we’ll never let that happen to us ever again.

We tend to be very afraid of looking at this negativity bias, but really, the scary stuff was all external. We internalized it, thinking that somehow we were responsible, and somehow we needed to change, so they would change. That isn’t true. We’re not responsible for another person’s behavior, only our own.

The problem is that while this negativity bias was really important when humans lived in places where there were tigers in a cave around the corner or quicksand on that muddy forest path, it doesn’t work well for what we encountered as kids. First, the people involved are, or should be gone from our lives, and secondly, we’re only punishing ourselves by replaying these memories. They are not saving our lives.

There’s another saying I remember from somewhere too – “It’s okay to look back at the past. Just don’t stare.” It’s attributed to a journalist – Benjamin Dover. This, I think, is true wisdom. It’s important to recognize that these things happened, but to live our lives in fear of them happening now doesn’t serve us. It only keeps us locked in and afraid to open the windows of our hearts and minds to the magic that exists in the world, if we’re willing to trust in ourselves.

Change doesn’t happen outside. It IS an inside job. The hard work, then, is to recognize our own strengths, to believe that we’re enough, to know that we’re really okay and capable of our own internal change. Because, yes, change is needed, but mostly what needs changing is our perception of how we deserve to be treated, and what we decide to allow in our own lives.



For me, this journey forward was jump-started by the Al-Anon program and turbocharged when I started taking yoga classes.

Over the years both the 12 steps and yoga together have shaped my perceptions and strengthened my resolve and my healing skills. The wisdom of these two modalities, so different on the outside, are incredibly compatible and actually pretty similar when you start breaking down the concepts and comparing them. What 12-step programs offer is emotional and mental support. What yoga offers is mental and physical support. Taken together, the package is whole-istic (my word), which allows myself and others to find tools that help us cope with the past and thrive in the present. Yoga as therapy for trauma is better than medication for CPTSD, according to Dr. van der Kolk, and 12-step programs give us the foundation to build a new and better life.

My thought? Use EVERYTHING that works for you. Don’t stop. Rinse and repeat.

Celeste Mendelsohn
IAYT Certified Yoga Therapist

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/09/22/healing-from-childhood-trauma-its-an-inside-job/feed/ 4 She Was My Best Friend https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/05/02/she-was-my-best-friend/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/05/02/she-was-my-best-friend/#respond Tue, 02 May 2023 10:50:57 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=247425

Once you come to your senses…

Sarah and I kept in close contact after they moved, and I expected her support when I finally made the decision to leave my marriage. I was wrong. I had fallen in love with another woman. I think of this affair as more of a catalyst to leave a miserable situation than as a reason. Sara did not approve. “My God, Madelon. What are you doing? You are not a lesbian. Once you have come to your senses, you can date my son Steve and we can all get back to something that makes sense.” I never did “come to my senses,” but neither my lesbian affair nor my lesbian identity lasted long. In the Winona years, I stopped drinking to excess, and I entered therapy and 12-step groups. I finally became able to face the demons of my background. I knew it would be hard, but I needed to show my little girl that the cycle of abuse ended here with me.

The Willows’ stint in Indiana was short-lived.  After my divorce, I was living in Winona, Minnesota, and the Willows moved to an exurb of that small city a couple of years after they left Houston County. I met their return with much joy, and they came just in time to decorate for Christmas. I personally didn’t have much use for Christmas, but Sarah loved it. “We’re gonna do Christmas up right this year.” The lights, the tree, the decorations. Although Sarah hardly ate anything, she prepared food and served it at her beautifully appointed table. Although none of us had any money, we exchanged presents. 

All the joy left by summer, was when my daughter, Becky, and I went on a camping trip with the Willows. On the first evening of the camping trip, Sarah was very drunk and in a foul mood, and she made an inappropriate, mean comment about my daughter. I don’t remember the context or exactly what she said, but it was to the effect that I gave the child too much leeway, she should be disciplined, and I needed to reign her in. Maybe give her a good slap. 

I had never said anything about the way that Sarah parented Angie, but I hadn’t approved since the day Sarah got that child. I knew she used corporal punishment and that was non-negotiable for me. What did Becky do on the camping trip? Be a 4-year-old. What did I do? Swallowed my shock and anger and went to bed. The next morning, I packed up our gear and left, announcing that I did not care to be around people who did not accept me or my daughter.

Expectations

In a follow-up phone call, I told Sarah, “You have crossed a line. Nobody tells me how to handle my child unless that child is in danger of hurting herself or someone else.” Sarah bitterly unloaded all her disappointment about me: I was queer, I was a bad mother, I was selfish, I had no direction, and I didn’t meet her expectations. 

So you liked me better when I was under Tom’s thumb? Right? 

“Well, you don’t meet my expectations,” I countered. “I expect my friends to be kind and supportive. And Becky and I are a package deal. If you don’t like her or the way I handle her, you don’t have to be around us.” Sarah then hung up on me.

Many years later, I heard from David, and I traveled to Houston County to attend a memorial for Sarah. I had a good visit with David and Patrick. Patrick told me that his mother, who had died (not surprisingly) of lung cancer, had a breakthrough in her dying days. She saw the error of her ways and said she had regrets. I found that news to be earth-shattering. I never heard Sarah say she was wrong all the time I knew her. 

I agreed with Patrick that Sarah having these realizations was healing and remarkable. Patrick and David were back living together in Houston County. And Angie, who had given the family a lot of grief with her acting out, was settled and well-employed in the area. 

I drove back home that bright autumn day, with red and gold leaves, and red and gold flowers in the fields. I was grateful for the fun times I shared with Sarah. I wished her well. I was proud to have stood up to her. 

I never went on to do those Great Things that Sarah said I would achieve, but I did grow a spine, and that has served me well.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/05/02/she-was-my-best-friend/feed/ 0 The Burden of Truth https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/13/the-burden-of-truth/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/13/the-burden-of-truth/#respond Tue, 13 Sep 2022 18:11:05 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=244734 For trauma sufferers as well as survivors, the burden of truth is often a difficult pill to swallow. In a recent dilemma, I have been stretched and squeezed into a mode of discomfort when it comes to decision-making.

My only niece is to be married in late October. RSVPs were due yesterday, and I have yet to respond.

Since parental alienation ended in the total estrangement of my only daughter, it has been increasingly difficult to assemble a rhythm of clear decision-making. It is particularly true for otherwise “easy” decisions. My brain is in an utter tangle, yet there exists a consistency of love, disappointment, obligation, and duty. As a trauma survivor, my brain has built a complex structure of defense mechanisms, actually solidifying past behaviors and patterns to which I always get to the same destination. Avoidance.

I love my niece with all of my heart and am so happy for her and her fiance. I want nothing more than to spend time with them on their special day, but I must be mindful of the unavoidable pitfalls of attending.

The burden of truth, in simpler terms, is aligned with my core beliefs, particularly one of honesty. Should I attend the wedding, all of my family will be there. Further, I will undoubtedly be introduced to all of the members of the family my niece is marrying into. This means I will have to give innumerable handshakes, hugs, pleasantries, and god-awful forced smiles. These are the worst kind – and in an essence lying. That’s the part I struggle with because I do not want to be disingenuous – I’d rather just not be there at all.

Plus, I will get the same question or two over and over and my mind will rambunctiously fumble formerly planned responses.

“How are you?” Option 1: I’m shitty, lonely, isolated, and spend most of my time untangling a grossly unprepared mind. My body and my mind have been broken, permanently. Option 2: I am hanging in there (lie). Option 3: Things are good (worse lie).

The other is some combination of “How is Maya?” or “Anything new happening with your daughter?” (Some of the family know I am alienated from my daughter, though I am not confident they can truly understand the ramifications of this family disease and the broken levees it leaves on another soul, as it is unnatural) Option 1: I don’t know (an uncomfortable truth). Option 2: Maya is codependent on her alienator, the one she has always considered her “greatest ally” She has suffered more emotional pain than anyone I have ever known.

None of these responses are good. Not a single one.

The truth is – at this very moment there are only a few places where I feel comfortable:

  1. Home on my couch

  2. In a parental alienation 12-step meeting

  3. My home handball court at Phipps Park (despite having had to mostly retire from playing)

It is my cross to bear and I haven’t made a decision. I’ve been harping on this from the day I first received the save the date, a year ago.

This is my burden and it is also my truth.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/13/the-burden-of-truth/feed/ 0 Disenfranchised Grief Within the Walls of Parental Alienation https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/07/13/disenfranchised-grief-within-the-walls-of-parental-alienation/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/07/13/disenfranchised-grief-within-the-walls-of-parental-alienation/#comments Wed, 13 Jul 2022 16:23:41 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=243518 “I will admit, in my darkest moments my hope for others is much clearer than my hope for myself.” Anna-Maija Lee

For the purposes of understanding this post, please review the following terms as it comes to parental alienation, alienating parent (a parent or loved one that uses forms of abusive behavior to assist in convincing a child the other parent is not worthy), and targeted parent which is a parent that has been partly or wholly eliminated from their child(ren)’s lives due to explicit targeting by the other parent.  

If you were asked a polling question where you swore to be truthful, take a moment to think of how you’d answer: What is grief, and how has it affected or influenced your life? 

Merriam-Websters definition seems a bit too lighthearted: deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.

National Cancer Institute states The normal response to a major loss, such as the death of a loved one. Grief may also be felt by a person with a serious, long-term illness or with a terminal illness. It may include feelings of great sadness, anger, guilt, and despair. Physical problems, such as not being able to sleep and changes in appetite, may also be part of grief.

You can Google and receive many answers about the medical or socio-accepted belief on the definition of grief, however, for the purposes of this article, I am choosing to adopt Dictionary.com as defined: keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. (I also like the statement: a feeling of vacancy due to loss.)

Grief is something normal that we all experience on a common basis. For many of us, we have been to funerals, wakes, and sit shiva, which served the purpose of allowing the families of those who have loved someone to honor someone’s light at the time of their passing. We understand this as grief and allow ourselves the moments we need in order to process a normal life cycle.

For a parent that is alienated from their child(ren) grief is slightly skewed. The grief embodies not only a loss but the true disconnect of a  normal and healthy relationship – one that all parents assume will last their lifetime. The grief also sticks to the heart in the way of guilt by association. What good parent would ever be alienated from their own child?

The term disenfranchised is simple: to deprive (someone) of a right or privilege.

As an alienated parent, disenfranchised grief plays a substantial part in everyday life. As parents, we grieve for the loss of our children, yet the unintended circumstances surrounding the reason for the vacancy are what lead to disenfranchisement. 

When we lose a loved one to a natural occurrence we qualify and quantify our feelings very succinctly. “I recently lost my mom, so I am going through a bit of an emotional time.” This seems like a common-sense answer you may have given or received a number of times throughout your lifetime. It’s topical in nature for a reason: even if the passing of an individual who you once loved was under normal circumstances, others still have issues deliberately seeking to penetrate another layer. Some might say, “I’ll be here if you need me,” or another supportive answer. Yet rarely do we or are we asked to go a bit further. “What was your mom like?” A simple question that could garner a set of tears or perhaps even a humorous story about mom. (There is nothing wrong with either or both.) 

Some tend to shy away from these follow-up questions simply as a defense mechanism. It is to protect both ourselves from getting emotional and showing weakness while we are trying to lift someone up from despair. We are also perceiving that if someone is emotional at the time, we are partly responsible for adding to their pain. I am not sure any of this is true. 

 When an alienated parent is asked how their children are in blindsight (the person asking has no idea that you have been alienated) the answers can come off easily. During the beginning stages of complete alienation, I might have said that she was fine, studying and working while living with her mom. That usually keeps folks at bay and can often lead to some less traumatic discussion. Make no mistake, whether an alienated parent is asked by someone they love, a therapist, a friend – whether the person knows – we immediately go through a set of answers in our head to help them understand. Interestingly, most of these responses stay inside.

I realize how ineffective this strategy is. 

However, a targeted parent must remain prepared for the inevitable; despite its prevalence for generations (and proven time and again with science, fact, and undeniable theory) few actually want to discuss something ugly like being abandoned by your child(ren). It’s quite similar to talking openly about drug abuse or mental illness and its effect on one’s family life. We don’t like to discuss it because it is sticky. Trauma sticks to the walls inside your skin. We can fight it, or we can succumb to it, but we are always living with it. These family traumas make our grief disenfranchised; difficult or almost wholly misunderstood, and are often lined with family secrets, and troubling pasts, and at the center of it all – unfortunately, is not our child(ren), but the alienator themselves. The ultimate puppet master. 

I asked Shirley Davis, Chief Staff Writer, and Trauma Expert with CPTSD Foundation, about this specific type of grief. She added, “Originating with a narcissistic or emotionally unstable parent, parental alienation has the power to overwhelm and injure children. The alienated parent (perhaps the father) is made into a pariah when the other parent (perhaps the mother) makes disparaging comments to their children. Parental alienation causes children to grow up to be adults feeling grief and loss because they love the alienated parent and cannot process what has happened.”

With generational familial disease, like parental alienation, healing from the trauma of grief can be overwhelming. Unlike finding online support groups for alcohol or drug abuse, mental health resources, and trauma support groups like CPTSD Foundation, when a targeted parent wishes to share – few can understand or even care to grapple with the thoughts we need to process. There are often times – when we do share with those outside our trusted walls that we feel our grief is minimalized. That is not a result of our feelings or truths, but the result of wondering what another might think to hear you have been estranged from your own child(ren). It’s a tough starting place, so my only urging is that alienated parents continue to tell their stories, align, and educate health care professionals, the legal system, and educational systems. When someone tells you they have been a victim of alienation, process those thoughts with an open mind. There are resources available to help you better understand what we survive through. 

One draining aspect is a continued sense of hypervigilance within our communication. With this hypervigilance, a steady stream of tension surrounds targeted parents on how to and with whom to communicate these feelings forming a somewhat isolating tendency. And, in my opinion, this is a tough place to reside. Find the people in your life that are willing and able to do the research to correctly identify your feelings – even if they don’t quite understand them. 

 Written for and Inspired by the members of Parental Alienation Anonymous, for without you, my personal journey to find peace within would not have been restored. 

 

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/07/13/disenfranchised-grief-within-the-walls-of-parental-alienation/feed/ 8 One Year In – What I Have Learned as an Alienated Parent https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/05/10/one-year-in-what-i-have-learned-as-an-alienated-parent/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/05/10/one-year-in-what-i-have-learned-as-an-alienated-parent/#comments Tue, 10 May 2022 08:55:09 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=241440 On May 9th of this year, it will have been a full 365 days since I was erased from my daughter’s life. The process of alienating a child from a loving parent often takes years of quietly applied maneuvering, codependence, coercion, and the profound altering of a child’s emotional attachment to the other parent – as was the case in my scenario. It is considered child abuse for a reason. When you take the time to reevaluate the intricacies of your parental relationship, and that of a divorced spouse – the pattern that emerges can be quite overwhelming. I’m lucky, I wrote down everything. 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking back upon the dumpster fire that has been this last calendar year, I find myself waking up more days holding on to the essence of my own hope. Today, I am fully engaged with those around me and have purposely removed myself from a place of isolation. 

I’m not claiming I’ve been saved, nor am I the savior. I am one man, peddling nothing but facts and the truth. When faced with a moral dilemma that you’ve lost something that you can never properly or organically (re)ascertain, a sense of moral awakening takes place. The embers remain in their worst place – a dark flammable corner – where one spark could cause a four-alarm blaze.

Not today. Today I have some hope. And with hope comes accountability. To concentrate on truths, hollowing out the use of excuses, take control of my own behavior, and offer a simple nugget for those going through this. 

What I Have Learned: 

    1. My daughter’s alienation was not my fault –  I have learned, that I am powerless over the alienator’s ways and it is in no way beneficial for me to harbor blame upon myself. I don’t need to list my achievements as a father, I have 18 years of memories that tell me exactly what happened. 
    2. There remains but one truth – Dissect statements and thoughts and what you have seen with your own eyes. No matter what “they” say, whoever they are, there is only one version of the truth. As long as your intentions are well-meaning and humble in nature, stick with the truth. (Like Richard Roma tells George Aranow in Glengarry Glen Ross, “The truth George, always tell the truth. It’s the easiest thing to remember.”)
    3. I was a good parent – No time for superlatives. Fact: I stepped up at every moment to be the best father I could be. Everyone makes mistakes, I sure did. But I never left my daughter’s health and safety up for chance. She never needed anything. While this is a tough thought to process particularly while alienated, part of my recovery must allow this truth to sink in. 
    4. I am prepared for her to never return – It has been mentioned in earlier blogs that even if a child returns to an alienated parent there are still serious implications that cause a detriment to the already fractured relationship. That really sucks on the whole outlook front. It’s been a year with no contact and I am prepared for her to remain alienated. I understand the power of this debilitating family disease. Think alcohol, schizophrenia, and other major mood disorders including narcissistic personality disorder – all handed down genetically. My ex never had a chance, and neither did I.  
    5. I have people that love and understand me – Although slow to start, it was imperative that I opened up about how alienation has affected me. I post publicly and occasionally am asked. Lately, I have averted simply saying that it’s been a while since I spoke with my adult daughter. I am more apt to share this facet of my life – while never really giving a shit about what the receiving end thinks about me personally. This is not about me. I may be alienated, but I am not alone. My daughter is alone in the abuse she is enduring. My close friends understand and the community at Parental Alienation Anonymous and CPTSD Foundation have really supported this journey. I am thankful for those I have met in 12-step groups – they inspire me to push forward even when I don’t want to.   
    6. Stronger than a year ago – Getting acclimated to my new world over this past year has delivered challenges. Like you, if you woke this morning then you have what I consider the greatest gift of life: another shot to get it right. 12-step programs allow you to open your mind to differing scenarios, many of which your mind never even considered. It is within the confines of these meetings that I accumulate my hope. I could not even tell you how poor my state of mind was when this final bout of alienation began. 
    7. You have to do the work to get better – There is a moment when alienated parents ask themselves – “How do I go on living?” I asked. A million times. There are no answers and the sooner you realize that the better your individual situation will become. There is no way to figure this thing out. Just like you can’t figure out a family member’s drug problem. The realization that you are comfortable letting go of the need to understand how an issue works itself out is quite freeing. You have to put in the work. Whatever that means to you. 

Honorable mention(s)

Guideposts: In a recent PA-A meeting, someone mentioned the absence of guideposts during the alienation journey. As a family disease, much secrecy lies within the borders of alienated families. There are few who can understand outside of the walls of a PA-A step program meeting. The truth is that the rest of us have no guideposts, no road signs, no speed limits, and no justification in terms of accountability. It’s an open and empty road, filled with large obstacles and no driving manual. I take great pride in the fact that I learn something new in every meeting. 

Memes: Every once in a while I will see a meme that generates an actual pertinent thought. Here are two which need no explanation. 

I realize how topical these statements are, however, because of the truth that is embedded within these thoughts I have found a moment of clarity. It is okay to breathe deeply and let the worry exit your chest, neck, and shoulders. It’s okay to smile and to live. It’s okay – when the time is right – to come up for air. 

A special thanks to those who I have had the pleasure of working with during my alienation journey. Without PA-A, I could not confirm where I would even be today. Thank you. 

You are not alone. To learn more about Parental Alienation Anonymous, as well as our weekly schedule of meetings, please click here:

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/05/10/one-year-in-what-i-have-learned-as-an-alienated-parent/feed/ 5 Applying the 12-Steps to C-PTSD https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/05/04/applying-the-12-steps-to-c-ptsd/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/05/04/applying-the-12-steps-to-c-ptsd/#comments Wed, 04 May 2022 09:50:15 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=241086 When used in conjunction with other treatments like therapy and/or medication, 12-Step programs can be a useful part of C-PTSD recovery.

The 12-Steps are taught at group meetings and run in a program format known as a 12-Step program. The 12-Step working model states that the Steps are guides or principles which can be followed and utilized to aid in living healthier, more fulfilling lives.

The 12-Step program experience offers a social support system in which exposure to interactive and self-regulatory experiences are shared and can be developed. This in turn helps those who are suffering to find a sense of purpose and a new way of life.

Group members are encouraged to use any or all of the 12-Steps as they see fit, and it is up to the individual to interpret how they are implemented into their life based on their own belief system. Eleven of these 12-Steps are spiritual and behavioral approaches that help people to reconnect both internally and externally.

12-Step groups can provide the opportunity to learn and practice these behavioural skills that will help improve Intra and interpersonal functioning.

The Steps are taught differently at different meetings, for example, the 12-Steps of Narcotics Anonymous are different from the 12-Steps of Co-dependents Anonymous. The only requirement for membership to Narcotics Anonymous is a desire to stop using and the only requirement for membership in Co-dependents Anonymous is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.

All the different 12-Steps are actually adaptations of the 12-Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous which is the original 12-Step program.

Though there is not an actual 12-Step program set out for people with C-PTSD, there are many people with C-PTSD in different, various 12-Step programs. For example, the program known as ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families) has been an especially helpful 12-Step program for those with C-PTSD as much of the focus in this group is on trauma work and group participants are led to their Inner Child or True Self.

People in 12-Step recovery programs learn to manage their own lives and the programs provide support from peers and the opportunity for life improvement. In comparison to just going to therapy, the strengths of group involvement such as the experience and commitment of members and the overall focus of the group (Gartner, 1997) aid those in feeling supported. In a study of self-help groups, (Hatzidimitriadou 2002) found that group members felt more empowered and optimistic due to self-disclosure and sharing of feelings.

Eleven of the 12-Steps are spiritual and behavioral approaches, which help in reconnecting internally and externally. Eleven of the 12-Steps are spiritual and behavioral approaches, which help in reconnecting internally and externally.

12-Step groups can provide a network of friends who are invested in recovery. (Humphreys, Mankowski, Moos and Finney 1999) found that the social network provides a base of recovering friends who model appropriate, recovery-based behaviour that can mediate positive changes.

The Steps have a transformative quality and are a process practised daily. This allows the traumatised person in recovery access to the tools necessary for their healing.

Below are examples of how the 12-Steps aid in the recovery process.

Please note that “God” as mentioned in the Steps below is an understanding of a Higher Power greater than yourself. For example, science, the earth, the universe, humanity at large, or even mother nature.

The 12-Steps are inspired by spiritual ideals and the program itself is not a religious program. You do not have to be religious to benefit from 12-Step programs.

The Steps focus on spiritual ideals such as honesty, faith, humility, and repentance.

Step 1:

“We admitted we were powerless over ……………… – that our lives have become unmanageable”.

This Step acknowledges that there is a problem and that it is a problem that we are powerless over. The problem lies in one’s own attitudes, conditioning, and behaviours.

When working on Step 1, we start to realise and then honestly admit that there is a problem that has a role in how we play out our own lives.

Step 2:

“Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”

The acknowledgment of powerlessness leaves a void so by putting forth trust one can acquire a willingness to turn to a power beyond oneself. The power spoken about must be outside of oneself and can be nature, the group itself, a sponsor, or spiritual power. This allows our ego to let go of control so that we can have hope in our recovery and healing and trust in an outer higher power to help us to grow.

Step 3:

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God (or higher power) as we understood God (or higher power).”.

In this Step, we learn to have faith and a belief in a power outside of ourselves, so that we can practise letting go and turning it over. We start to understand that we cannot control outcomes, or others’ attitudes and behaviours.

Step 4:

“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Step 4 is where we carry out self-reflection. This is where we investigate our strengths, weaknesses, and character defects and how all of these behaviours affect our thoughts and actions.

Step 5:

“Admitted to God (or higher power), to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

We allow someone to witness us admitting to our mistakes and character defects so that we can improve our lives. This involves sharing our humbleness.

Step 6:

“Were entirely ready to have God (or higher power) remove all these defects of character.”

In Step 6 we become ready to ask our spirituality or Higher Power to remove our shortcomings and help us improve our life.

Step 7:

“Humbly asked God (or higher power) to remove our shortcomings.”

This is the Step where we ask our Higher power to help us remove any barriers to our self-improvement.

Step 8:

“Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

Here we make a list of beings who we have harmed, and we become willing to ask them for forgiveness.

Step 9:

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

We ask for forgiveness from those people who we have harmed. You do not have to do this personally if the situation is unsafe for you.

Step 10:

“Continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.”

We carry out a daily inventory of our behaviours and reflect on these.

Step 11:

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God (or higher power), as we understand God (or higher power), praying only for knowledge of God’s (or higher power) will for us and the power to carry that out.”

In this Step, we strengthen our faith in our beliefs and improve our relationship with spirituality and we continually ask for guidance.

Step 12:

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

We become of service to others, helping them and using the 12-Step program in all areas of our lives. This Step involves carrying the message to others with similar problems (kind of like what I am doing in this blog) and practicing all the Steps in all areas of life. The 12th Step allows for community integration and is healing for the traumatised individual in recovery.

Summary

When attending meetings, we notice how the program is working for those who have been in recovery for a length of time, and this leads to an understanding that these same principles can be applied to oneself.

Being in contact with other recovering people provides a supportive environment although some trauma victims do have difficulty connecting with others and this may require time.

Thus, socialization is seen as a factor in 12-Step meeting attendance, where sharing thoughts with other non-judgemental people provides safety to explore feelings and re-establish intimacy.

Through self-reflection, members begin to gain insight into their core problems. Introspection encourages the release of blocked emotions through insight (Prochaska, 1984). Also, discovering our strengths and weaknesses as we come about in meetings allows people to learn to accept themselves and others.

Group members also reinforce for each other how their High Power now influences their lives, and these spiritual beliefs are used to reinforce desired behaviours. Spirituality in the context of 12-Step meetings can help empower people.

Attending meetings and listening to the recovery stories of others gives hope, encouragement, and ideas for how to obtain spiritual health. Additionally, 12-Step literature can provide inspiration and motivation to re-evaluate one’s approach to spiritual issues that have been problematic. Further opportunities to help others and rely on others can enhance one’s sense of meaning, purpose, optimism, and well-being.

This article does not intend to suggest that 12-Step programs are the only manner of treatment for C-PTSD, but when used in conjunction with other treatments like therapy and/or medication, it can be a useful part of recovery.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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