The lens shifts, and then you see it.

The statue you’ve been driving past every day becomes a monument. You suddenly see the craftsmanship the sculptor put into his creation. The smooth curves and perfect angles. A museum becomes a landmark people travel to visit. The queues are a testament to the attraction inside.

Your surroundings aren’t boring any longer because they hold value for people. Maybe you should value them too?

Look around you on your next commute to work. What do you see?

Familiarity doesn’t have to mean boring.

Now that many families are on vacation, I see the world with a different lens. I see the tourists flock to the beaches and flood the landmarks in cities. I see them pull up in droves to enter state parks. The campsites are teeming with brightly colored tents and RV’s. Their faces bring an energetic vibe of awe and wonder to the places.

Try to see your city/town/area with a different lens. Now what do you see?

I like to pretend with my kids that we have different roles; like we are detectives, zookeepers, or tourists for a day. It’s become a fun game to help my kids see the world through a different lens, and we have a lot of fun doing it.

I love the outdoors and explore it with my kids now that summer is here. Just because there’s no school doesn’t mean that learning grinds to a halt. There’s so much to learn and appreciate in the natural world.

I teach my kids to always be inquisitive and ask questions. If you don’t ask, then you won’t know, right?

My kids have learned to value moments. The small, often tiny details in nature that get missed but are beautiful to watch.

Have you ever seen the moment a dragonfly catches its first flight? The way it unravels its exquisite wings and holds them up to the sun’s rays to dry before flying off. I captured it with my camera, and when I zoom in, the silky, delicate segments show up.

My kids and I were lucky to explore nature when we spotted that dragonfly. It was years ago, but my kids still remember the moment and ask to see the photo.

Have you ever sat and watched the turtles hatch on the beach and made their way to the ocean for the first time?

Have you seen the sun rise and set over the ocean? The way the light catches on the edge of the water is stunning. Listen to the sound of the waves washing onto the shore.

When you’re next on the trails, stop talking for a moment and listen to the quiet. After a few moments, your head will be full of gentle sounds from the forest as your senses take over.

Close your eyes and let nature draw you in — just for a moment. Can you hear the birds sing to each other as gentle branches sway above your head?

Have you ever seen a deer in a meadow just outside the protection of the trees?

These are moments that are truly incredible, but you must be open enough to see them. If you blink, you might miss that dragonfly, bird, or creature.

What will you see next time you’re outdoors? Take the time this summer to see something new.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

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• The Restoring Ability of Nature

• The 1% Ripple Effect

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Fear breathes unrest and chaos into our world.

The news channels are bursting with horrific events of death and misery from all corners of the world. Some days I find it impossible to avoid all the horrors of our reality.

When I find myself overwhelmed, I turn to the things I love.

I’m a survivor of trauma and child abuse. I’ve already lived with fear and control from violence from the adults around me. The feeling of living under threat isn’t a life I want for myself, or anyone around me.

I left everyone I knew as a teen.

I turned away from the chaos and chose the simpler things in life to find healing. I found my own peace.

Love is all around us, but you have to open your heart to embrace it.

Where do you turn when your life feels overwhelming? Or do you choose a person or an activity when life gets too much?

I turn to nature because it grounds me and nurtures me in a way no other place can. Nature regulates my circadian rhythm. It makes me centered and calm.

I can sit on the beach, dig my feet into the sand, and listen to the gentle waves lapping the beach for hours.

I turn to the hiking trails nearby and immerse myself in natural sounds.

Once I’m away from the traffic jams, the noise of the city, and people arguing, I find my peace.

Where do you go for your peace?

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

The Restoring Ability of Nature

https://medium.com/illumination/the-restoring-ability-of-nature-aaafc469f13f

Smiling is Fantastic…

https://medium.com/illumination/smiling-is-fantastic-you-catch-it-like-the-flu-1c7b1f9ee1a9

Self-worth Vs Self-esteem

https://medium.com/illumination/self-worth-vs-self-esteem-bc10a6b66a8d

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

When Your Nervous System Needs a Moment

Bellamy wiped down another table, trying to ignore the growing tightness in their chest. The lunch rush at the diner had been particularly chaotic today—too many sounds, too many demands, a customer who reminded them of someone from their past. The familiar buzzing sensation started spreading through their limbs.

Not now. Please not now.

Their coworker Maylyn noticed their hands trembling slightly as they stacked plates.

“Hey, I’ve got this section. Take five if you need it,” she whispered.

Bellamy nodded gratefully and headed toward the bathroom, their safe haven during shifts when everything became too much. Once inside a stall, they leaned against the cool tile wall and took a shaky breath.

It’s happening again. I’m not in danger. My body is trying to protect me.

Working With, Not Against Your Nervous System

What Bellamy is experiencing isn’t weakness—it’s their nervous system doing exactly what it was designed to do: protect them. For people with Complex PTSD, the brain’s alarm system has been calibrated through painful experiences to be extra vigilant.

Your body isn’t broken when it responds this way. It’s actually trying to keep you safe based on what it’s learned from the past. The key isn’t fighting against these responses or powering through them—it’s working with your nervous system, acknowledging its efforts to protect you, and gently guiding it back to a state where you can function.

When These Techniques Are Most Helpful

These techniques are first-aid tools for your nervous system – they’re not replacements for long-term therapy but can help you function in the moment. They’re especially helpful for:

Non-specific anxiety or panic: When your nervous system is overactivated but there isn’t an immediate concrete threat that needs addressing.

Trauma-related distress: When you’re experiencing flashbacks, emotional flooding, or body sensations that are connected to past trauma rather than present danger. These are situations where your body is responding as if you’re in danger even when you’re currently safe.

If you’re experiencing dissociation or feeling numb: Start with gentle touch (e.g., rubbing your palms together or tracing your arm) before trying colder or stronger sensations. Grounding techniques that provide gentle sensory input are usually most helpful when feeling disconnected.

For situations involving concrete present concerns (waiting for important test results, preparing for a difficult conversation, facing potential job loss, or dealing with relationship issues), these techniques can still help regulate your nervous system so you can think more clearly. However, they aren’t meant to replace addressing the actual situation. In these cases:

1. Use these techniques first to calm your physiological response
2. Once regulated, you can then engage in problem-solving, decision-making, or seeking support for the actual situation
3. Remember that anxiety about real-life concerns is valid and sometimes appropriate

If negative self-beliefs are dominant (thoughts like “I’m worthless,” “I’m a failure,” “No one cares about me”), combine regulation techniques with gentle reality testing once you’re calmer. Ask yourself: “What evidence supports or contradicts this belief?” and “How would I respond to a friend who felt this way?”

Important note: If any technique feels activating or increases your distress, simply stop and try another. We all respond differently, and what works today might not work tomorrow.

The techniques below are arranged in order of what your body can typically respond to first when in distress. Physical and sensory techniques come before cognitive ones because your thinking brain often can’t fully engage until your body feels safer. If you have physical limitations, adapt techniques: use your breath instead of tapping, or visualize sensations instead of physical pressure.

Download Printable PDF

15 Quick Bathroom Stall Resets

Physical Regulation First

1. Cold Water Facial Reset

What it is: Splashing cold water specifically on your forehead, around your eyes, and cheeks.

Why it works: This triggers your mammalian dive reflex—an automatic response that quickly slows your heart rate, reduces breathing rate, and shifts your nervous system from fight-or-flight toward rest-and-digest. It’s like hitting a biological reset button.

How to do it: Cup cold water in your hands and press it against your face, especially around your eyes and cheeks, for 15-30 seconds. If you’re in a stall without immediate access to a sink, you can use a cold water bottle pressed against these areas, or take several paper towels, wet them with cold water before entering the stall, and press them against your face, focusing on the areas around your eyes, forehead, and cheeks. While not as effective as running water, the coolness can still help activate the calming response.

2. Vagus Nerve Stimulation

What it is: Simple exercises that activate your vagus nerve—the superhighway of your parasympathetic (“rest and digest”) nervous system.

Why it works: Your vagus nerve helps regulate many bodily functions including heart rate and stress response. Stimulating it sends calming signals throughout your body.

How to do it:

• Hum softly to yourself for 30 seconds (feel the vibration in your throat)
• Make the same motion and muscle engagement as if you were gargling water, but without liquid – just the throat movement and gentle vibration
• At the back of your head where your skull meets your neck (about 2 inches up from where your neck begins), use your thumbs or index and middle fingers to press gently for 30-60 seconds on either side of your spine, applying gentle pressure and small circular motions

Download Printable PDF

3. Butterfly Hug

What it is: A self-administered form of bilateral stimulation (moving attention back and forth between sides of the body).

Why it works: This technique, inspired by EMDR therapy, helps integrate emotional processing by engaging both brain hemispheres and provides gentle, rhythmic self-touch that can be grounding.

How to do it: Cross your arms over your chest, hands on opposite shoulders. Alternate gentle taps on each shoulder while taking slow breaths. Tap at a slow, steady rhythm – about one tap per second or slightly slower. This isn’t rapid tapping but a deliberate, rhythmic movement that allows you to feel each tap fully. Even just 30 seconds can be helpful if you’re short on time.

4. Starfish Breathing

What it is: A visual breathing technique using your hand.

Why it works: The combination of touch, visual focus, and controlled breathing accesses multiple sensory channels, giving your overwhelmed brain something concrete to focus on while naturally slowing your breath.

How to do it: Hold one hand up with fingers spread. Using your other hand’s index finger, trace up your thumb as you inhale, down as you exhale. Continue around each finger, syncing breath with the movement. Imagine you’re tracing the outline of your hand on paper – going up the outside of each finger as you inhale, and down the inside of the finger as you exhale.

5. Progressive Muscle Relaxation (Quick Version)

What it is: A rapid tension-and-release exercise moving through major muscle groups.

Why it works: Muscle tension is a physical component of anxiety. By deliberately tensing and releasing muscles, you break the physical anxiety cycle and send safety signals to your brain.

How to do it: Tense and release these areas for 5 seconds each: feet, calves, thighs, buttocks, stomach, hands, arms, shoulders, neck, and face. For your face, scrunch up all facial muscles tightly – furrow your brow, squeeze your eyes shut, purse your lips, and clench your jaw – hold for 5 seconds, then release completely, feeling the tension melt away.

6. Hair Tugging/Scalp Massage

What it is: Gentle stimulation of the scalp through light pulling or massage.

Why it works: Your scalp has many nerve endings, and stimulating them can reduce muscle tension while providing sensory input that draws you back into your body when you’re starting to disconnect.

How to do it: Using your fingertips, apply firm pressure to your scalp and make small circular motions. Or gently grasp sections of hair near the roots and apply slight tension for a few seconds.

7. Acupressure Points

What it is: Applying pressure to specific points on your body that can help reduce stress and anxiety.

Why it works: These points connect to meridians (energy pathways) in traditional medicine and stimulating them may influence your nervous system and trigger relaxation responses.

How to do it: These two points are particularly effective and easy to find:

• Press the point between your eyebrows (at the center, sometimes called the ‘third eye’ point) with your index or middle finger, applying firm pressure for 30-60 seconds
• Press the spot between your thumb and index finger (the webbing) using the thumb and index finger of your opposite hand for 30-60 seconds

Optional additional points if you have time:

• Press the center of your palm with the thumb of your opposite hand for 30-60 seconds
• Press the point three finger-widths below your belly button with gentle pressure for 30-60 seconds

8. EFT Tapping Sequence

What it is: A simplified version of Emotional Freedom Techniques that involves tapping on specific meridian points.

Why it works: The physical tapping sends activating signals to the amygdala (your brain’s alarm center) while you’re in a safe environment, helping to recalibrate its threat response.

How to do it: Begin by tapping the “karate chop” point (the outer edge of your hand, below your little finger) while saying a setup phrase that acknowledges your feelings: “Even though I’m feeling [anxious/overwhelmed/scared], I deeply and completely accept myself.” Repeat this three times, then while taking slow breaths, use your fingertips to tap these points 5-7 times each, briefly naming the feeling (“this anxiety,” “this overwhelm”) as you tap:

• Top of the head
• Eyebrow (inner edge)
• Side of the eye
• Under the eye
• Under the nose
• Chin
• Collarbone
• Under the arm (about 4 inches down from armpit)
• Inside of wrists

9. Donna Eden’s Celtic Weave

What it is: A movement that crosses energy over the midline of your body.

Why it works: This technique helps reorganize your body’s energy systems, particularly when they feel scattered or fragmented during distress.

How to do it: The complete Celtic Weave involves:

1. Cross your hands in front of you at the wrists
2. Interlace your fingers
3. Roll your hands inward toward your body and up under your chin
4. Continue lifting until your interlaced fingers rest on your chest
5. Take a deep breath
6. On the exhale, separate your hands and sweep them out and around your body as if tracing your energy field

A simplified version: Stand and cross your arms in front of you, hands on opposite shoulders. Then open your arms wide. Repeat this crossing and opening motion 5-7 times, breathing deeply.

For a complete demonstration, searching “Donna Eden Celtic Weave” on YouTube will provide visual guidance. Even the simplified crossing motion can be helpful when a full demonstration isn’t available.

Moving Toward Mental Regulation

10. Quick Sensory Grounding (5-4-3-2-1)

What it is: A technique that uses your five senses to anchor you to the present moment.

Why it works: When panic or flashbacks hijack your brain, sensory awareness redirects neural activity to the present instead of past trauma or future fears.

How to do it: Name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell (or like to smell), and 1 thing you can taste (or like to taste).

11. Box Breathing

What it is: A simple, structured breathing pattern.

Why it works: Controlling your breath directly influences your autonomic nervous system, telling your body it’s safe to relax. The counting gives your mind something to focus on besides fear.

How to do it: Inhale for a count of 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Repeat for at least 4 cycles.

12. Body Boundary Reinforcement

What it is: Physically reinforcing awareness of where your body begins and ends.

Why it works: During dissociation, your sense of physical boundary can blur. This exercise reestablishes those boundaries through touch and attention.

How to do it: Starting at your head, firmly trace the outline of your body with your hands. Apply pressure as you move down your face, neck, shoulders, arms, torso, legs, and feet. Say internally: “This is me. This is where I begin and end.”

13. Orienting Exercise

What it is: Deliberately looking around your environment for signs of safety.

Why it works: When your trauma response activates, you’re responding to danger that likely isn’t present now. This exercise helps your brain update its threat assessment.

How to do it: Slowly scan your surroundings, naming specific things that signal safety: “The door locks. I can leave anytime. No one can enter without my knowing. The floor is solid beneath me.”

14. Thought Defusion

What it is: Creating distance between yourself and distressing thoughts.

Why it works: This technique helps you recognize that thoughts aren’t reality and don’t require immediate action or belief, especially trauma-triggered thoughts.

How to do it: Notice a distressing thought and try one of these:

• Mentally prefix it with “I’m having the thought that…” or “I’m noticing I’m having the thought that…”
• Imagine the thought written on water or clouds passing by
• Thank your mind: “Thanks, mind, for trying to protect me”
• If it feels appropriate (and only if it doesn’t feel dismissive of your experience), giving the thought a different voice can create helpful distance
• Visualize thoughts as leaves floating down a stream or text scrolling on a screen

15. Non-Gaslighting Affirmations

What it is: Brief, truthful statements that acknowledge both your distress and your capacity to move through it.

Why it works: Unlike toxic positivity or denial, these statements honor your experience while gently redirecting your focus toward resources and resilience.

How to do it: Repeat one of these (or create your own that feels true):

• “This feeling is temporary. I’ve survived it before.”
• “This feeling will pass.”
• “My body is trying to protect me. I am responding normally to abnormal experiences.”
• “I am here now, not then.”
• “I can feel this and still take the next breath.”
• “My nervous system is loud right now. I can listen without obeying.”

What May Be Counterproductive

Some common suggestions can actually make things worse when you’re in a trauma response:

1. Telling yourself to “calm down” or “get over it” Why it’s unhelpful: This creates internal conflict and shame, adding another layer of stress when your nervous system is already overwhelmed.

2. Complicated visualization exercises Why it’s unhelpful: When in high distress, complex mental tasks can be impossible to follow and create more frustration.

3. Deep breathing without other regulation first Why it’s unhelpful: If you’re hyperventilating or in panic, focusing only on breath can sometimes increase awareness of breathing difficulties and worsen anxiety.

4. Positive affirmations that deny your experience Why it’s unhelpful: Statements like “I am completely calm and at peace” when you’re neither calm nor at peace can create a sense of gaslighting yourself.

5. Staying completely still when your body wants to move Why it’s unhelpful: Sometimes trauma responses include excess energy that needs physical discharge.

Remember

These techniques aren’t about “fixing” you, because you aren’t broken. They’re tools to communicate with a nervous system that’s doing exactly what it learned to do to keep you alive. With practice, these resets can become automatic responses that help you navigate a world that sometimes feels overwhelming.

After using any technique, take a moment to notice any shifts in your body or mind. You might quietly ask yourself: “What do I notice now? What do I need next?” This simple check-in honors your experience and builds your self-awareness.

For more comprehensive approaches to healing, consider exploring trauma-informed therapy, somatic experiencing, trauma-sensitive yoga, or similar modalities that address trauma responses through both body and mind.

Bellamy splashed cold water on their face, did a quick butterfly hug, and took four box breaths. The buzzing sensation began to recede. They whispered to their reflection: “This feeling is temporary. I’ve survived it before.”

And they had. They always did. Bellamy stepped back into the diner, their breath steady now, ready for the next moment—one reset at a time.

Copyright Notice: This excerpt is from my forthcoming book. All content is © 2026 Worldwide Groove Corporation. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited. Thank you for respecting my work. 😊

Photo Credit: Author – Additional Terms and disclaimers for images used in my posts on CPTSD Foundation.

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

I internalized her disappointment and methodically picked myself apart. I measured the accuracy of her harsh judgment, weighing the possibilities. Could she possibly be right? Were depression and anxiety something I chose?

Unfortunately, sometimes I believed her. Only now can I understand why I let her words land that way. I didn’t want to get attached to something that would vaporize or be interrupted by “the other shoe dropping,” leaving me feeling barren and robbed. It’s not that I wasn’t ever happy as a child. The issue, I think, is that early on, I developed a distorted relationship with the concept of happiness.

I can recall several moments of sheer joy that also came with an awareness and fear that it would leave me. I have distinct memories of internally saying, “Oh…this is so good…I have to remember this. I need to hold onto this.” I mentally captured these joyful moments like fireflies in a jar. By adulthood, I had become accustomed to happiness as this elusive “thing” that would never truly “belong” to me. In my early twenties, I wrote: “You depend on happiness that never stays too long.” I simply could not imagine “happiness” as a fixed state. The good thing is…I still can’t. Coming up, I’ll explain why this is good.

The pause between the question, “Are you happy?” and my reply is getting shorter. Furthermore, I am less likely to define my current state in comparative terms such as “Well, I’m happier than I was when…”In other words, I’m beginning to fully embrace happiness in the moment that it envelops me. Happiness, of course, is not a state that I sustain in every moment of every day. It never will be. It can’t be that for anyone. This shift within is happening because my relationship with feelings in general has changed significantly.

I’m learning to lean into feelings at the moment they show up rather than trying to whisk away the hard feelings or hoarding the good feelings while they last. I no longer view any emotion as a fixed state, or a standalone episode. It’s not as simple as just being happy or just being sad. After decades of living in a state of “all or nothing,” I’m finally learning that I can feel multiple things at once, some light and some heavy.

Several factors contributed to this shift, probably the biggest being feeling my feelings in therapy. Gradually, I practiced this skill a little bit more here and there outside of that space. I’m going to share an exercise I tried last spring. I’m writing about it because it marked a pivotal shift in my growth. It is based on the “Identify, Accept, Attribute, Act” (IAAA) process. Doing this for a month significantly impacted my relationship with feelings. At first, I was hesitant. After the first week, I began to feel a shift occur within. 

I tracked my feelings three times a day, doing my best to check in with myself at the same time every day. I’m going to paraphrase the process below, which included three questions and one acknowledgement:

1. “What do I feel right now?”
2. After acknowledging what I felt, I paused to accept what I was feeling. Instead of running from my feelings, I leaned into them.
3. “To what/who/where/when is this feeling connected?”
4. “What do I do with these feelings?” 

IDENTIFY:

By the time I did this exercise, I had over a year of solid therapy under my belt and had begun to develop a greater acceptance of “feeling my feelings.” At the same time, my young children brought home handouts about “zones of regulation” and learned to identify feelings, I asked one of my therapists to print and share multiple copies of a feelings wheel–one for each room. I did this so that I, in my early 40s, could learn to identify my feelings. By the time I started this exercise, I had considerably broadened my understanding and acceptance of complicated feelings. That said, I was still surprised by how often I felt more than one feeling at a time. It was interesting to learn that I could simultaneously experience sometimes “polar opposite” feelings, such as anxiety and contentment. 

ACCEPT:

This exercise helped take the idea of “feeling my feelings” out of the therapy hour and into my everyday life. Just as I regularly did in therapy, and occasionally began doing in everyday life, I very intentionally, very regularly began accepting my feelings, including the feelings that weren’t comfortable or didn’t make sense. I sat in these feelings that I had always viewed as something to either be swatted away like pesky mosquitoes, or jarred up like beautiful fireflies. As the title of this piece indicates, I finally reached the now-obvious conclusion that feelings are not insects. Huh…who knew?

ATTRIBUTE:

Next, I asked myself where these feelings came from. Sometimes my feelings were directly connected to something currently happening. Often, especially if it was an anxious or sad feeling, it had roots in my past. As it relates to feelings of happiness (and similar feelings such as optimism, excitement, contentment, gratitude, and hopefulness), this exercise helped me become more aware of what made me happy. All of these “recipes for happiness” were simple. Over the course of a month, I identified feeling joy related to a wide range of things, including, but not limited to, sunshine, watching my favorite movie, getting a few things done, a rainy day, nature, a good night of sleep, and working. This process not only helped me better identify my feelings, but in connecting each one to a potential source, I also increased my awareness of where I can find or create happiness in the future.

ACT: 

My favorite entry occurred toward the end of this month-long exercise when I identified my feeling in that moment as “relieved” because I “expressed feelings” and I committed to “do it again.” I noticed a theme that emerged repeatedly in relation to positive feelings related to happiness. My “action” item for so many of these “happy” feelings boiled down to one word: “enjoy.” It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? Are you laughing out loud? I am because come on…who are we kidding here? As you may know, “simply enjoying the moment” is not always as easy as it sounds. But…I learned that it is possible!!!

I am a highly skeptical (some might say pessimistic) person, so I was blown away when this strange little exercise actually worked! When I reminded myself over and over and over again to just enjoy the moment, it gradually became easier to embrace the joy. More often, I leaned into happiness without the temptation to begin the internal countdown to its disappearance. I felt a solid shift within. While, of course, I still have moments of wanting to mentally record happiness so I can “play it back” when it disappears, that happens less often.

When this shift took place, I wrote a reflection of my complicated feelings around happiness and hope. I had always struggled to write “happy” songs and “happy” poems. They never came naturally, and instead, my words repeatedly leaned into the darkness and sadness that felt more like “home.” But…I challenged myself to change the tune. This is what I wrote:

Attempt at a Happy Song
Trying to pen a new kind of song
Suspended in light and hope
To live inside the dreams I’ve tried
that never felt like home

Inside a room of dreams
Once too afraid to see
Hope a noose, afraid to wear
Will it strangle me?

It’s heavy knots of disappointment
Tangle with despair
Begging to be free
Am I here or there?

Writing from a place of love
To the swollen emptiness
That called my life its own
I’ve settled for less
And not enough
Can I be loved
much less known?

If I surrender to happiness
Will the words still be mine?
If I learn the language of love
Will it steal my voice?
Or stake another loss to find?

Without the pain will I disappear?
Might the shadows still stare?
Will they rob my reflection from the mirror?
I know that I’m still there
I know that I’m still there

Spells of hope embedded in my heart
I don’t know what to do with them
Should I pull them apart
Before they see I’m here?
Maybe just be with them
Show them it’s alright to care
Self is always near
I am still right here

Will the world through these eyes
Bend to a new truth
To a life I’ve never lived
Grounded in new roots
I want to call this home
Safe inside, within
Compassion is a new song
That feels so good to sing

Cascading hope
Gentle waves of belief
Seeping into my heart
a reminder that peace awaits
On the other side of grief
I know that I’m still here
I know that I’m still here

I now understand my mom’s words in a new way; they were more of a deflection from her than a reflection of me. Furthermore, I no longer believe them. Instead, I now know that I can be happy. Two decades ago, when I wrote the line about happiness being something that “never stays too long,” I wasn’t wrong. That’s okay because as I heal, it stays longer and longer. I am more fully able to accept it in the moment. I less often find myself “storing” it for later or “mourning” it before it leaves. Instead, I just sit in it and smile…somewhat defiantly, of course, because it turns out I can be happy. And…so can you.

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

I browse an old magazine, flip through some patterned papers, tear off some tissue paper, and imagine how these pieces fall into place. I go from feeling as though I have no control over anything to feeling complete as though I have complete agency over my actions. Now words are needed to express or to analyze how I am feeling. This is a nonverbal process that allows me to experience my emotions in a structured and safe way.

When words fail me in a journal, collage becomes my way of communication and processing without collapsing. The words come later when I am feeling more articulate and centered. 

Collaging a little bit every day has been beneficial to my mind, bringing peace to my nervous system. The activity of crafting gets me out of my head as someone who overthinks and easily becomes stuck in a creative block. When my brain becomes too blocked up with thoughts about perfection, the anxiety makes it harder to create.

Collaging gives me the freedom to glue anything I want to paper without overthinking. Additionally, when the stress from vulnerability factors throughout the day puts me in freeze mode,  a creative practice, especially collaging, helps me get out of that freeze. 

For the days when I’m so stuck in freeze that I can’t seem to find inspiration to collage, I find that watching YouTube videos of other people making art inspires me. In that situation, I sit with the video playing in the background while I make art. It’s as though I am making art with another person in the room.

In fact, if I can, I like to have friends over for crafting. Establishing a sense of community while making collage art is also one way that I ground my anxieties, dread, depression, and trauma symptoms. 

Collage also has the benefit of slowing me down when I’m overstimulated. If I sit down at my crafting space, take some slow deep breaths, and put on some slow music in the background, I am telling my body that it’s safe to slow down now. I may stare at a pile of paper scraps, slowly letting my fingers pass along the texture of each one, noticing the colors and patterns. Letting some ink, glue, or paint get on my fingers is extremely satisfying in the process, as well. This slowing-down process detangles my thoughts from mental constipation, opening up my creativity. 

As someone who struggles to name my strengths, I find collage an empowering tool that builds confidence in my artistic abilities.

I have a lot of trauma from my formative years in school, as I was a child who struggled academically early on. Teachers expressed disappointment, and my peers called me stupid. I even had one teacher call me stupid. So ever since then, I’ve carried these experiences with me into adulthood.

Recently, I’ve found collage to be a tool that empowers me to look at my work and feel good about it. It gives me the confidence to keep working in other creative outlets, such as painting, drawing, and writing. 

Being able to piece together a whole new image from a bunch of ripped-up images is like putting myself together after falling apart. It’s not only satisfying to rip, cut, glue, touch, and smell the materials. The tactile experience is both internal and external. When I come home from work feeling dysregulated, sitting down with a blank art journal page to create a collage creates a sense of warmth and safety within me.

In making collage, I am communicating with myself, externalizing my inner experiences so they don’t create more wounds.

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

I had gotten through two appointments each day with my therapists, who are helping me work through my flashbacks. I was exhausted, but I wanted to move my body at least a little. So, on Thursday evening, after my appointments, I signed up for a ballet class. I dressed in my leotard, tights, and skirt, and began stretching at the barre. I was excited. 

During the first barre exercise, pliés, my focus on the teacher’s voice began to fade, and a wave of rage surged through me. I tried to breathe through it and maintain the graceful movement of my arms to the pianist’s concerto. But the flashbacks grew louder with each passing note. My arms started trembling and pulsing with aggression; I felt the need to punch something. Afraid I might have a trauma response that others would notice, I knew I wouldn’t be able to get through class. I briskly walked to the side of the room to grab my bag, awkwardly waved goodbye to the instructor, and left. I was defeated that, yet again, I couldn’t get through a dance class without flashbacks overwhelming me.  

With compassion, I told myself, I’ll try again tomorrow.  

The next day

Friday was my day off from therapy. I had gotten a great night’s sleep–the ideal setup for getting through an hour of exercise. Today’s jam was cardio dance class. I put on my tennis shoes and favorite pink tank top, ready to work. 

Once again, the intensity of the music was overwhelming. With my head hung low, I walked out. 

As I sat in my car, I couldn’t shake my embarrassment. How can I still not get through even one song? I’m so weak.  

I really wanted to move my body, and I knew it’d make me feel better. But clearly, my body wasn’t ready to move. After a long week of intensive work processing the emotions connected to my flashbacks, my body wanted rest. 

But today’s Friday, Natalie! Do something fun! Be normal for once. Go out to eat, or shop around a little bit.  

But even that sounded like too much. I sat quietly in the parking lot, trying to calm my racing thoughts. I asked my body what it needed.  

“A massage,” it quietly whispered. 

A massage? You sure?

I was skeptical, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned during my recovery process, it’s that my intuition is always right.   

Do I even have the money for a massage? Eh, I’m sure I could make up for it in the budget. 

While finances were certainly a concern, I was more concerned with listening to my body and giving it exactly what it needed in each and every moment of this recovery process toward my goal of living flashback-free. 

The massage

With my head facedown into the headrest and my arms tucked under the blanket, I took some deep breaths and reminded myself: there is nowhere to be but here, Natalie. You deserve this. 

The masseur began his work on my body. The first five minutes were fine–the pressure was light as a warm-up. I felt like I was finally starting to relax. 

After the warm-up, though, his pressure began to deepen, and I started to feel discomfort in my body. Not just physical discomfort, but actual pain. The flashbacks assaulted me as I fought against trauma responses. Tears began to flow, and I kept sniffling them up, but my snot fell through the headrest and onto the floor. 

Can he really not hear me crying? I wondered. I considered letting it out a little louder on purpose, hoping he would notice, so that I wouldn’t have to speak up. 

Just tell him to stop, Natalie. Speak up.  

But I was mute. 

As he traversed through the nooks and crannies of my neck and shoulders, I could feel the pressure increasing. I shivered at the sound of his thumbs rubbing against the sockets. 

Just tell him to stop! 

I started counting down to force myself to say the word I had struggled to say for so many years.

Three, two… not ready yet. 

More tears. 

Three, two, one, st-uh… 

And the cycle kept going for about ten minutes. 

Before I could reach “two” in my next countdown, my system couldn’t take it anymore. I screamed bloody murder, finally having the exorcism my body needed. I started punching the table over and over again.  

The masseur immediately removed his hands from me, and I heard an “Oh my God!” as the door slammed shut.

It was uncontrollable. I screamed until my poor throat couldn’t take it anymore. 

Pretty soon, I wasn’t the only one screaming. I heard the masseur yelling in terror on the phone in his native language, presumably to the owner. I had forgotten for a few minutes that there might be other people in the building. I had only been aware of the interaction between me and the demons. Guilt washed over me, and I told myself to shut up. Slowly but surely, I got everything under control. 

Realizing the door was probably unlocked, I threw the bedsheets onto the ground, locked the door, and collapsed against the wall, naked and exposed. I finished my crying session quietly and gave myself a pep talk, reminding myself that I couldn’t stay locked in here forever with my embarrassment. 

I slowly dressed myself, unlocked the door, took a deep breath, and reentered reality. 

The masseur was standing in the lobby holding a silver tray with two bottles of water and a box of tissues. 

“You okay?” He looked terrified. 

“Yes, I promise,” I reassured him, he did nothing wrong, and that my outburst was a reaction to PTSD. I wasn’t sure how much he understood due to the language barrier, but I wanted to make it clear that he didn’t need to worry. I was more concerned about upsetting or offending him than about my own emotional state. Even though the massage only lasted about 15 minutes, I handed him my card and insisted he charge me full price. 

“No, no,” he shook his head and made an “X” motion with his arms. He handed me water and motioned me to sit on the couch.    

“Just breathe,” he reminded me. 

I pulled some cash out as a tip and said, “Please.”

He agreed to the compromise. 

Was this the exorcism I had been needing? 

Shock and self-punishment

When I got to my car, Exorcism 2.0 happened. 

“I can’t do this anymore!” I screamed into my steering wheel. 

Suddenly, my phone rang, making my body jolt. I shot up, and the back of my head rebounded against the headrest like a basketball that had powerfully missed the net. 

It was the owner. 

“Natalie, sweetheart…” she said in a Vietnamese accent. “Are you okay?”

I told her about my PTSD and that her employee did nothing wrong. 

“My sister has that. It was just an emotional release. Massage can do that sometimes–it’s a good thing. But a deep tissue massage isn’t right for you today. Come back Monday, and I’ll do it myself. Much lighter pressure. Free of charge.”

“Okay,” I agreed bashfully, even though at this point I was pretty sure I’d never step foot in a massage parlor again.

“And don’t cry, Sweetie Pie. I am wiping your tears. Pretty girls don’t cry.” 

Well, considering how much I cry, I must be the ugliest girl in the entire world… I thought to myself. 

I chalked up her insensitive comment to a cultural and generational difference and told her I’ll consider coming back Monday. 

My therapist: on speed dial

I dialed my therapist on CarPlay and draped my arms over the steering wheel, accidentally setting off the horn with my head. 

“Hi, Pretty Girl!” my therapist answered, chipper as always. 

“Heather?” I mumbled through a trembling voice. 

“What’s goin’ on, Sweetheart?”

Exorcism 3.0. 

Pretty girls don’t cry Natalie, remember? 

As always, Heather listened patiently while I cried. After gathering myself, I shared what had happened. I spent five minutes expressing my concerns about how I made the masseur feel–that I freaked him out, or worse, that he might think I was the type to accuse him of maltreatment. I was more concerned about him than about myself, a common pattern throughout my life. 

“No need to worry about him. He’s an adult. He’ll be fine. I’m more concerned about YOU right now. You’re not driving, are you?” 

I reassured her that I was parked on a side street.

Heather guided me through a grounding exercise over the phone, and I finally felt stable enough to talk to her. She walked me through the science behind what had happened: When the masseur worked on my neck and shoulders–areas where we hold immense tension and stored emotions–my nervous system finally felt safe enough to let go. That “exorcism” feeling? That’s exactly what somatic release looks like. It’s not pretty, and it’s not comfortable, but it’s profoundly healing. 

Heather’s wisdom and motherly energy made me feel so much better. 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” I told her, with happy tears flowing now. 

“Drive safe, Sweetheart,” she said before hanging up. 

Later that evening

The evening was spent taking some much-needed rest. I had worked so hard during the week. So hard. 

I spent the evening cooking outside and nourishing my body with non-inflammatory food. As the craziness of the week began to ebb with the sunset, I reflected on everything I had been through. My body has been holding on to so much: years of medication effects, trauma, stress, and the incredibly challenging emotional processing I’m doing in therapy. What happened during the massage? I had a massive parasympathetic nervous system release, I cried intensely, my body expelled stored trauma, and I was left completely depleted. My nervous system was in crisis mode, needing rest and resources to recover and feel safe again. And here I was: my feet in the grass, eating healthy, nourishing foods. Nothing about this was a failure. Everything was a win. 

I grabbed my journal and wrote out bullets of all the things I was proud of. 

1) My self-control

I could have grabbed something quick and easy to eat on the way home and mindlessly stuffed my face with it, but I chose to come home and cook mindfully. That’s self-control and a commitment to nutrition as an essential part of my healing. 

2) My wisdom

On the flip slide, I could have fasted and denied my body the nutrition it needed out of fear that the food would make me feel bloated, but I chose to eat instead. That’s the wisdom of listening to my body. 

3) My strength

I’m navigating extraordinary emotional processing while my nervous system learns to regulate itself without the numbing effects of psych meds. That’s strength. 

4) My self-awareness

I didn’t touch my technology all evening because it would have been too overstimulating. Instead, I listened to the sounds of nature and children playing outside. That’s self-awareness. 

Everything was a “win”

Nothing about this experience was a failure. I’m doing something incredibly difficult–healing from deep trauma while managing medication withdrawal and rebuilding my entire life from scratch. The fact that I’m still showing up, still being honest, and still trying–this is remarkable. 

When I really thought about it, this exorcism was not a “rock bottom” moment. It was a reminder that I am in the home stretch of this marathon toward a life where I will never have to put in this kind of trauma work again. The hard days, the emotional releases, and the moments of overwhelm are not signs of failure. They are signs that I’m healing deeply enough to finally let go of what I’ve been carrying. 

Maybe pretty girls don’t cry… but beautiful ones do. And I’m doing beautifully. Even when it doesn’t feel like it. Especially when it doesn’t feel like it. 

Featured Photo Credit: Pexels

Graphic Credit: Author

To my readers who have been following my journey: I am excited to share that I have created a personal blog called “Little Cabin Life.” This blog chronicles my healing journey, where I share my experiences and the things I am doing to support my recovery. You’ll also find tips that have been helpful to me along the way. If you’re interested in following my story, please feel free to visit www.littlecabinlife.com.

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Everyone has bad days.

When our lives get busy, we need a reboot.

“Well, I don’t have time for a reboot,” you say.

I say, “Everyone needs to take a time out for their own mental health. One of the ways is to incorporate meditation into your day/week.”

Hear me out.

Meditation is something I’ve tried to avoid for years. I simply didn’t believe in sitting with my legs crossed and chanting words I couldn’t pronounce. I thought it was a waste of time, and that I could devote my precious minutes doing something far more productive.

My therapist has mentioned meditation as a way of relaxing for years. I kept saying I’d do it, but I know I won’t.

Then something happened.

I had another “run in” with a colleague who got jealous of the way I helped a child at my school. She insulted me. It’s not the first time this colleague has given me her opinions, and if I’m honest, I’m getting tired of being spoken to like I’m a nobody.

I got angry and took myself away to have a cry in the restroom rather than say something to the colleague that I’ll regret later.

My friend found me crying, and we talked about how I can rise above it. She gave me a challenge to help me through my anger with the colleague who upset me.

My friend asked me to try a meditation challenge to help calm my brain and focus on what makes me happy.

My friend was right. Meditation does help to calm the mind and focus on what truly matters. YOU. YOU MATTER.

I’ve now tried meditation, and it can be whatever you want it to be.

You can meditate with a YouTube video talking you through relaxation techniques.

You can meditate with a Podcast in your earbuds on your commute to work.

Meditation doesn’t have to be a chore. It can be tailored to your needs, where you are.

Meditation simply means reflecting on and contemplating your reality. You don’t have to sit with your legs crossed and hum in a foreign language if you don’t want to. (You might want to try it) You can sit however you want to sit, as long as you’re comfortable.

When you focus on your breathing and clear your mind of anything else, you focus inwards.

Meditation often includes a deep-breathing exercise. This is what I struggled with because I didn’t know the power of “the breath” in the body.

Taking a time-out to do some deep breathing is beneficial when you are stressed. You cannot help but calm down when you become aware of your breath going in and out of your body, and feel your heart beating.

Deep breathing simply means becoming aware of your inner body. This awareness then focuses your mind on your thoughts.

When you meditate, you might focus your thoughts on a problem, or your own needs. It’s your chance to think about what truly matters to you in your life. To think deeply about something.

Here are some questions that you could think about when you meditate:

Who are you in this moment?

How do you feel?

What do you want from your life?

Imagine that you have everything you want. What does it look / feel like?

The Benefits of Meditation

1. It’s a simple but fast way to reduce stress in your body and instill calm. It has been proven that it reduces the stress hormone, cortisol in your body, and decreases your Amygdala’s activity in your brain. (The Amygdala’s main function is to process emotions and link emotional responses to memory).
2. It increases your self-awareness and your emotional regulation. You focus your thoughts and understand them better. This then gives you a better mental clarity before you react to a problem or situation.
3. Improves focus and memory. Thinking deeply about something leads to clarity and attention to what you feel.
4. Helps managing depression. By being more in tune with your body and your emotions.
5. Increases your empathy and relationships. Through deep thinking about situations, you become more empathetic with others. You will also feel a stronger connection with others.
6. Overall mental health. You will feel more at peace within yourself and your surroundings.
7. It can help manage long-term conditions, like PTSD and IBS. For more information, here is an article from the University of California:
   
   

I gave meditation a shot, and I’m reaping the rewards after doing it every day. Sure, I’m still busy with juggling my family/work and my last two months of my MFA degree. I still manage to carve out a few minutes each day to focus on me.

After meditating, I’m calmer, and I feel happier in myself. I feel more assertive about what I want for myself, and I don’t let other people’s issues get me down. I let any insults wash over me like a pebble in a waterfall because I matter, and my life matters.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Here are a few links to my top articles:

Looking for a Change?

https://medium.com/activated-thinker/looking-for-a-change-f391e85abbd7

A Search for Identity

https://medium.com/beyond-lines/a-search-for-identity-893df7c970c2

Are You Searching for Peace?

https://medium.com/illumination/are-you-searching-for-peace-cd54d76231c8

Do you feel valued right now?

In a world where everything is falling apart around us, it’s hard to feel valued. There are too many layoffs and new staff being hired that need training.

You might have those dark thoughts that creep into your head on your commute to work when you are alone in the car. You might be queuing in the grocery store after work one day, and it’s taking longer than it should when those thoughts meander back into your consciousness.

Are you happy right now?

Are you good enough?

Are you wondering if you will be furloughed or laid off next?

When we face uncertainty in life, we naturally turn inwards. We turn to our friends and loved ones to regain our balance. It’s during these conversations and reflections that we start to see things in a different way.

We know there is no point in worrying about things that are out of our control, but if our jobs are on the line, we can’t help it. There’s too much at stake if we are in a position to lose a steady paycheck. It’s hard to see beyond that, and those self-defeating thoughts can worm into our lives. They usually eat away at our self-esteem and confidence.

There are many things you can do to feel better when faced with uncertainty. I’ve faced uncertainty and challenges many times as a trauma survivor and beyond. What I’ve learned is that no matter what, you must keep on living. You’ve come so far to get to this point, and no matter what happens in life ,  you are in charge of it.

I believe my experience can help you, my readers, to find solace and feel better even if you are having a tough time. I’ve compiled a list of things that I do to feel better.

Here are 15 things to do when you face uncertainty:

1. Acceptance. Be honest with yourself: say what you are feeling and why. Acknowledging how you feel can help you tackle those emotions. Accept that you cannot please everyone, no matter how hard you try. We all have our imperfections and quirky behaviors. It’s what makes us human beings.
2. Take care of you first. If you have had a difficult day when the boss has been riding you every moment, recognize that stress. Practice self-care and use grounding techniques and mindfulness. Notice your breath as you breathe out the anger and stress.
3. Exercise is a great de-stressor. I love going for a swim or a run when I’m stressed. Maybe exercising can benefit you too.
4. Think of short-term goals that you can achieve when you are feeling overwhelmed. These are things you can control, like your daily routines and home life. Focus on short tasks that you can do straight away to feel a sense of achievement.
5. Reach out to friends and family. Talk about how you are feeling and voice those emotions out loud.
6. Stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone has their own path to lead, and yours is unique to you.
7. Think about your language. How are you expressing the way you are feeling? Can you say what you are feeling in a better, more positive way?

You tell yourself: “I suck at giving work presentations. My colleagues are way better than me.”

Instead, say: “I’m not that great at giving presentations yet because I haven’t had enough practice. My friends are better than me because they have had more time.”

8. Reduce your stress. If something is making you feel anxious like watching the news or sitting in a traffic jam for hours to and from work — avoid them. Turn off the news and go a different route.

9. Think about your happy place. When you are feeling overwhelmed, it can really help to do something that makes you happy. You might have a letter or a positive message that can give you a boost. Notice that feeling? Now harness that and fill up on the joy for a while.

10. Challenge your reality. Let’s face it, life can be unpredictable and uncertain. Think about why you feel this way? What caused it? Is it your interpretation or factual? What would someone else say / do if they were in the same situation?

11. Put your situation into perspective. When we face uncertainty, emotions get in the way. When we are emotional, we can’t think clearly.

My nan gave me the advice “to never go to bed angry.” I didn’t understand her as a child, but I do now. A fresh perspective without emotion does help.

Ask yourself: What’s the worst that can happen? How likely is this to happen? 

What are the repercussions? Will it matter in a year / two years / ten years from now?

12. Reframe your thoughts. Think of how you can turn your uncertain situation into something positive. Could there be an opportunity for growth?

13. Past successes to pave the way for your future. Think about what you have achieved so far in life. How far you have come to get to this point.

14. Gratitude and reflection. Think about all the things that you already have. Your qualities and talents. Your family and friends. Maybe a new change would be good for you?

15. Believe in yourself. If you can believe it — you will achieve it. A positive mental attitude can make a big difference to your outlook in life.

I’ve been through many challenges in my life and I’m still here. Sometimes it’s not about the situation itself but how you move on from it.

How will you handle your uncertainty right now?

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

I have spent years struggling in Schools, from elementary to middle school, high school, and finally, many, far too many years at two-year colleges. I have several degrees from those junior colleges, so I am not an ignoramus, nor am I an intellectual; yet I often sit and notice that I frequently feel empty of intelligence. It is as if I experience the moment as a man who is just empty of thought. In those moments, I feel as though I know nothing whatsoever. If you asked me a question, I’d be void of the answer. I could have a doctorate, I imagine, and I’d feel the same void of knowledge in these moments in time. How is knowledge necessary to my ‘identity’ if I sit empty-headed in the moment?

I mentioned I struggled throughout my school years. What do I mean by that? Daydreaming, inability to concentrate or focus, impulsive to be the clown, seeking attention, and thus getting the paddle frequently from the principal (in middle school, it was the vice-principal who performed the ‘imperative’ corrective punishment). Something was wrong with me; something was wrong in my family; something was wrong in society. Back in the 1960s, when I was in elementary school, I was threatened with being held back on several occasions; Yet, I was somehow pushed forward to the higher grades. Perhaps with a hope I would mature, and/or snap out of “it.”

However, I think I was probably looked upon as simply being “willful,” exercising my free will and “choosing” unacceptable behavior. Where were the school psychologists back then, to take notice of a struggling, disturbed child? Passed through the system, like a badge of honor to the schools for having taught me what I was supposed to have learned. I barely managed grades good enough for high school graduation. I most likely didn’t. Yet they allowed me a diploma. Probably to get rid of me, out of the system, and let themselves shine for not having ‘failed’ that one.

Where were the psychologists in my high school? Maybe they were there, but I was unreachable… I look back and know that now. What a sad journey for a troubled child. I hope it is better for children today, especially those who are troubled. 

Suddenly, it dawns on me that this may be a form of dissociation, characterized by a sense of empty-headedness from the moment, a blanking out. Why did I begin a paper on my state of feeling empty of knowledge? For one thing, it just struck me as “bizarre.” The experience almost makes it seem as if education is unimportant to who we are in the moment, and certainly unimportant to who I am anyway. My sense of feeling loved, experiencing anxiety, trying to remember what happiness felt like, feeling the biting arrows of bullying, criticism, or rejection from others, all float within, inside/outside the bounds of knowledge.

Life, it seems, exists in the realm of the emotional, not the intellectual or the reasoning. Not to belittle reason, the more knowledge we gain, the wider the paths and opportunities for problem-solving, but then there is the self. Is my identity tied up, anchored to having achieved knowledge? He asks himself. If I have an educational title to my name, do I anchor my sense of pride to that label, wearing it like a badge of honor, of “self”? Am I my title of accomplishments? Indeed, one should be proud of earning degrees and awards that bring societal recognition to their achievements. Still, I’m back to that emptiness and the realization that the emotional experience of being seems determined to be who we are.

Then there is the next day; today I’m feeling, in a quiet moment, the old, internalized pangs of feeling ostracized, unacceptable, or unloved; the ‘emotional’ experience that reeks of an abusive childhood, a painful, disturbing reality of having lived intense trauma in the moment; far too many moments. Complex PTSD is a living, yet buried monument to a troubled childhood. Those emotional reactions to physical and emotional abuse from a disturbed mother fill my senses.

The living internalized experience of prolonged, unrelenting traumatic abuse and emotional neglect fills my moments. It consumes me, not allowing me to focus on much else, “coping.” It leaves me staggered, perpetually seeking an escape from life’s ongoing moments. I’m driven to escape into the world of “distractions,” drugs, alcoholism, and impulsive behaviors that ruin my life, but I can’t help it. The Moment is just too disorienting and painful to endure without intoxicating distractions. Free will is often just a blank, lost, or magical thought that far too many seem to insist is the only thing that energizes human behavior.

If “self-love” is my recipe for change and healing from the internalized, overpowering, and unconscious relics of trauma: how do I ‘engage’ with the same level of emotional strength that trauma and unmet infantile needs invaded my being with intense dramatic ‘shock?’ 

I was bathed in icky, toxic, living emotional states of basic rejection and deeply shamed by a ‘false’ childhood interpretation that “it is me”, I am unlovable! Something is wrong with me; otherwise, I’d be loved and comforted. “That” is toxic shame. That is what I experience in my usual quiet moments, a toxic experience of being an irredeemably flawed being. The experience of being ridiculed, bullied, and laughed at is waiting for me around the next turn in my life; even my next moment, as my mind sees it, it conjures and feels the terror of reliving the past.

The concept of ‘self-love’ strikes me as simply something I don’t fully understand.

Suppose the intense emotional impact of an unbearable traumatic event consumes my being with a living regurgitation of those old, terrifying reactions. Doesn’t it make sense that an equally powerful, emotional ‘experience’ would be needed to counteract such internalized past experiences? Sitting in that ‘empty’ moment, which started this paper, was a moment free of the Toxic state of Shame.

On one hand, the toxic, painful, debilitating childhood emotional experiences need to be expelled from the system. Working to become aware of the buried and repressed pain leads to ridding those emotions from the system. Feel it and allow yourself to weep deeply, in tune with the pain that lives within you. That isn’t easy because of the numbed-out life we’ve led. Trying to ‘hide’ desperately from what we need to see, feel, and deeply weep will not help us heal. I can’t imagine how else to work through that block to living openly, as fully as we can learn to be. It is a lifelong battle and journey to overcome the prolonged, severe trauma. For God’s sake, be thoughtful when you administer ‘punishment’ upon your children! Ask yourself, is this right or necessary for me to whip my kids? Listen to what your gut is telling you; I love my child; I don’t want to do this. Then please stop it!

Fulfilling sick and unexamined cultural expectations of “appropriate punishment” can damage a child’s psyche, leaving them perpetually unable to trust others. This drives us to seek the experience of being accepted, safe, and welcomed by a friend or an understanding and accepting therapist. This is all in the hopes of finding the actual ‘existential’ reality that “I am OK,” “It was not my fault what happened to me,” a tragic victim of trauma (CPTSD). It is a struggle for some of us to see and feel that we are lovable, though we are. Just because I think and/or fear I am not, doesn’t mean I am not. It means I’m afraid I am not, and I feel I am not.

Perhaps the powerful ‘emotional’ experiences I’m looking for, or that I conceive as necessary for an impactful change within one’s heart and soul, need to be in a social group setting. To feel and see a group of people ‘welcoming you,’ accepting you into the group; a person or people who authentically miss you if you don’t show up to the group meeting. A place where you can learn to be expressive and find that you are not radically shamed and abused for ‘being’ open and authentically expressive.

That expression of self may be consumed, in an uncontrollable state of hypervigilance, as your moment-to-moment social experience is now; however, with time, patience, and persistence, that can change.

Acutely self-aware of your new behavior, daring for once to begin to express, openly, honestly, and authentically. This sounds like the beginning of learning to become one’s authentic self. That is, being expressive without the toxic, abusive trauma that drove your inner little child scurrying for safety under the proverbial bed. Perhaps the ‘individual’ experience of an intimate friend or therapist, before moving out into the world of a therapy group, when the time is right.

Others who share the same issues that have held you back seek a similar path from a life that was filled with toxic shame, self-blame, intense psychic pain, feeling indescribably ‘different’ from others – alienated. In other words, we are not alone if we reach out and risk connecting, taking baby steps at first.

I’ve known the depths of alienation. You are not alone. You have to ‘risk’ reaching out, risk being vulnerable, and find the courage and guidance toward seeking out a therapist. Before we seek, we must learn how and what it is we are seeking —change, freedom?

That is where knowledge comes into “the play.”  Act 1 is stepping out and risking self-change…

Photo Credit: Unsplash

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