I opened the top of my prescription bottle and looked inside. There were only three little, round pills left. Xanax was more valuable to me than gold. I was seeing a psychiatrist for depression, and besides the anti-depressants that didn’t seem to be working, he had prescribed a miracle drug—Xanax. I could be in the middle of my worst anxiety attack, mind racing, stomach churning, heart thumping, and one little Xanax made it all disappear. Setting the bottle on the kitchen counter near the trash can, I went to get dressed. When I started to walk out the door, I couldn’t find my pill bottle. Panic shot through my stomach. Where had I put them? I thought I had left them on the counter! Where was my Xanax? There were only a few left, and I had already been planning how to dole them out. I couldn’t lose them altogether. Where was my Xanax! 

I heard my husband turning on the shower. “Matt!” I screeched. “Did you see my pill bottle on the counter?”

“I dunno,” he said nonchalantly. “I cleaned up the kitchen this morning and took out the trash. Maybe they accidentally got thrown away.”

Racing to the curb, I hefted the trash bag from the bin and ripped it open. Glops of spaghetti, old coffee grinds, and filters mixed with disgusting potato peels covered everything. I didn’t care. I had to find that prescription. I began taking out wadded pieces of paper, old cereal boxes, and plastic lids, littering them along the driveway. Finally, all the way down at the bottom, I caught a flash of white. It was the top of my pill bottle. Breathlessl,y I grabbed it and held it close. I heard the comforting chink of the pills inside. Thank God I had noticed they were missing before the trash guys came by.

That was the day I realized I had a problem. I would have done anything to get those pills. The fact that I had gotten so upset was an indicator of just how dependent upon them I had become. A worse indicator was the fact that they were losing their oomph. I was upping the dosage and mixing them with alcohol to get that smooth, sustained relief, and even that wasn’t working anymore. I knew I was reaching dangerous levels, but I couldn’t stop. Therein lies the problem. Benzodiazepines give temporary relief to anxiety, but as soon as the drug wears off, the anxiety comes roaring back. In addition, benzodiazepines lose their potency over time. 

When you’re in a really bad place, medication can save your life. But if you are not careful, it can also kill you. Imagine suffering from constant, torturous terror and finding one little pill that will instantly turn it off. No wonder I thought I had discovered a miracle.

Looking back at one of my journal entries from that time, I know why I was beginning to be swallowed by the vortex of addiction. 

“I feel so depressed this Christmas,” I wrote. “Why do I have to have such a screwed-up family? I’ve been having thoughts of taking my life a lot, lately, everything feels hopeless. How I wish I’d never been born. I just don’t know how I’m going to do life. I’m just no good at it. I feel so bad all the time. I’m afraid. I’m afraid all of the time. Things will never be any different for me.”

The holidays have a way of bringing angst and sorrow to the surface. The holidays put us back in the past with all of the abusive demands and expectations. One way survivors of childhood trauma try to cope is by using outside sources to soothe all those raw emotions, in effect, numbing them out. We use drugs, alcohol, food, busyness, work, and a thousand other things to keep us from feeling. In the end, those things are only a temporary fix and are not only emotionally dangerous but can also be physically dangerous. 

Eventually, numbing will not work, and if you are engaged in healing, addictions and numbing habits only get in the way. Instead of numbing out this holiday season, try to put in protective boundaries. Don’t participate in the usual crazy. Know going in that your family is not going to change, but you have the power to make a different choice. You can limit the time you spend with them or cut it out altogether. You can choose safe and uplifting friends to spend time with. You can host a holiday party or dinner for people who don’t have family. You can create your own family. Allow yourself time to grieve what you do not have, but don’t stay there. Look around. Perhaps there are opportunities you never thought about to change the way you approach the holiday season. It’s important to your spirit to celebrate in a real way. You deserve a holiday season filled with joy and it is possible to make small steps toward that. Defy trauma, embrace joy. 

Sign up to receive a free newsletter with video and worksheets, at DefyTraumaEmbraceJoy.com

Contact me at hello@defytraumaembracejoy.com

Photo by Matteo Badini on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Rebekah Brown

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.

For a lot of us, though, who come from families that were dysfunctional and abusive, family gatherings are a source of extreme stress and anticipatory anxiety. Gathering some resources to help us navigate is vitally important to surviving the holidays: you get to choose your level of involvement and how you frame it for yourself. You matter!

Setting Boundaries

I get questions from clients all the time about how to start to set boundaries, what to do if someone continues to crash through them, and how to “make” the other person abide by them.

Setting boundaries is hard, so please cut yourself some slack. As you start to practice setting boundaries, you will get more comfortable with it. It’s very uncomfortable at first, and that’s okay. We are starting to do something that we’ve spent years — decades, perhaps — not doing! There will be a learning curve, so please tell your inner critic that your kind, inner coach says “Shup, you are doing great just trying!”

There is a misconception that boundaries are to get someone else to do or stop doing a behavior, to stop treating us in a way that is harmful and hurtful. In reality, any boundaries you set are all about what you will allow and what you won’t tolerate. When we set boundaries, we are saying we value ourselves enough to say “no” and stop accepting the harmful behavior.

The incredible irony of boundary-setting is that when you set them with people who are pretty healthy emotionally, they automatically accept and respect them. Who knew!? I spent years not setting boundaries: my family of origin taught me that I didn’t get to have an opinion on my own life. When I started to set boundaries — and, wow, did I bumble around for a long time practicing — non-toxic people accepted them with kindness and grace. I was blown away.

It’s when we are setting boundaries in the context of an unhealthy relationship, when the other person fights them, crashes over them, it’s a sign that perhaps this isn’t a person we should be investing our time and energy in, and we get to exercise our voice and choice.

So how do we know what our boundaries are? Our emotions. Our senses. Our nervous system reaction. In short, how we feel.

I love observing my emotions. Emotions are somatic, from body to brain; they’re raw data from the body and its unconscious, so we can’t control them. Our feelings stem from emotions, which is amazing because it’s like getting a personalized report on yourself at any given moment. The physical sensations in the body let us know what is happening.

Here’s an example of boundary-setting and subsequent crashing: Aunt Betty wants you to leave work to take her grocery shopping next Wednesday during the workday, and everything in you rises up and says, “What! I can’t, I have no vacation left,” etc. That’s your body to brain, letting you know you want to say “no.” If you are watching your window of capacity, you may feel some activation.

Here is the good news. We are not powerless in this situation. We have options. But what we can’t do, is control how someone else responds to our boundary. We can, however, note and absorb that their response is giving us a ton of information about them, which helps discern who is safe and who isn’t. Remember: it’s all about emotional and nervous system safety.

When people minimize and push back on boundaries you are setting in a clear and direct way, out comes the dysfunction.

So Aunt Betty pushes back and says something like, “Oh, c’mon it’s only a couple hours; you can afford to miss work, I saw that new car you are driving, Spendy; you know I can’t drive because of my arthritis; I can’t believe you won’t help me; that’s not what a good niece does,” etc. (There are a lot of ways people crash boundaries, some overt and some covert, some complete gaslighting; these are just a few things that could be said, and they’re all shaming.)

What are your options, as she says some of these things you feel shame rise up (because it’s going to, it’s part of the human condition).

• Resetting the boundary. This can look like repeating verbatim what you stated earlier or adapting it. This does not have to include over-explaining your position.
• “No.” That’s a complete sentence. If you are getting pretty good at setting boundaries, you may want to try this. You get to say “no” and then nothing else. The other person may sputter and gaslight and try to convince you to do what they want you to do, but you still don’t have to say anything more.
• Remove yourself. “Oh, thanks for the chat, Aunt Betty, I see Uncle Joe over there,” or you can simply excuse yourself to the restroom to reset your nervous system. Let your answer stand and then get out of there. There’s no shame in doing this: it’s actually great to walk through it, and it’s very empowering.
• Statements of re-direct, such as asking questions about them. Say you don’t want to just remove yourself, and that you want to practice your skills even more. You can ask about work, kids, hobbies, anything to re-direct. Sometimes the person will go with the re-direction and sometimes not; if they circle back to what they are trying to get you to do or be, you still get to choose your response.

Side note: Don’t forget to soothe your young parts since they may be jumping around freaking out, as this is super uncomfortable for them and they may be feeling a lot of shame when you set boundaries.

Lastly, on the question of how to “get” someone to respect your boundaries.

If we are listening to our emotions rise up in the body, a common one to emerge is anger, and a lot of survivors don’t know what to do with that, as they have been conditioned by abuse to not express it, not to feel it, and to vilify it.

The purpose of anger is to let us know when our boundaries have been crossed. It’s the emotional response to an external stimulus.

Back to Aunt Betty: you’ve set the boundary, remained calm, and heard her answer, which was push-back. You start to feel anger rise up at the things she’s ranting about: they aren’t true, how can she say that, why isn’t she listening to me… How can you make her understand your boundaries and stop pushing?

You can’t.

We can’t control other people’s reactions. Aunt Betty has an agenda, and I’m pretty sure at this point her agenda is all about what she wants and she is not looking out for you.

You can, however, let her have her own reaction and make your choices from there. We get to choose.

I have a general rule of thumb I utilize in situations like these. I will set the boundary, reset it once if necessary, and then walk away.

This gives me a lot of information on the other person, and I get to then evaluate how much or how little I want to interact. Maybe this is someone with a long history of pushing on my boundaries and my body is telling my brain, “Yeah, we are done.” I get to sit with that, figure out what I want to do, and be kind to myself.

And, let them sit in their stuff, because, at the end of the day, I refuse to take on anyone else’s shame or blame. I get to make mistakes and go from there, but when someone has a history of rupture without repair, then I am setting myself up to be hurt and taken advantage of, if I let them take advantage of me or otherwise not honor my boundaries. It’s all about what we will allow and learning to value self.

I am not responsible for what other people think of me or my decisions.

When people give us lots of information about themselves, their patterns, their reaction to shame, and their behaviors, we get to choose if they are safe to emotionally invest in or not. If they are not, it can be little contact or no contact: you have the power to choose.

Acknowledge your feelings first, voice your truth if you feel safe doing so (always keeping an eye on your window of capacity and potential activation in the nervous system) while gently maintaining intrapersonal bridge/attunement with self and valuing self because your own needs matter!

What happens if a gentle approach doesn’t work?

“Gentle assertiveness” is a term I like to use in relation to setting boundaries. We don’t have to compromise who we are, insult someone else, or be defensive. We can work on just stating our truth with gentleness and self-compassion.

If the other person gets insulting, defensive, or shows anger, it can be powerful and empowering for you to say something like, “I get that you are upset, but trying to convince me to do something I don’t want to do isn’t going to work.”

This topic may have to be a series, as the next piece of setting boundaries is self-care, and well-worth a whole article!

I hope you are taking good care of yourself today, nurturing you. You deserve to heal! You matter.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Jennifer Kindera

As a Certified Trauma Recovery Coach Supervisor and Certified Healing Shame Practitioner, my focus at Jennifer Kindera Coaching is to help clients navigate their potential traumas which may be holding them back from living life to their fullest capacity. Trauma recovery coaching and healing shame takes time, but with an honest, inclusive, and compassionate space for the unfolding of your life journey, you can work to unravel the binds of trauma and shame to promote your capacity for healing and growth.

www.jenniferkindera.com

In general terms, life management is a framework for living. Do you feel constantly under pressure? Are you always short of time? At the end of the day, do you almost always feel like you haven’t accomplished anything? Those are the types of struggles life management will address.

The unspoken truth about trauma and its effect on daily life

Trauma has a driven quality that affects everything about trying to manage your life. Relationship trauma is especially insidious. Deep betrayal causes a deep fear of trusting other people. I could never let down my guard long enough to let my mind, body or soul rest. When faced with challenges at work, I became a workaholic. Endlessly going over details and then forgetting things that were requirements. I started every day with overwhelming anxiety. Fear of failure, fear I would “be found out,” filled me with terror I kept quiet by dissociating—the same way I learned to dissociate from abuse as a child. Life management? That did not enter into my thinking. More like life survival. And I wasn’t doing all that well with that. 

Five reasons why a daily routine is important

Life management brings structure to our behavior and more importantly to our thoughts and emotions. We enter into the rhythm of life and bring rhythm into our day effectively dismantling the driven quality and power of trauma. Instead of life managing us, we begin to manage our life. A daily routine is important because:

1. Establishes expectations

2. Creates calm

3. Shrinks the to-do list into a manageable size

4. Sets you free from the tyranny of trauma

5. Gives you a sense of accomplishment at the end of every day

How does trauma affect your life?

I had just accepted a position as choral director for a small high school in the mountains of Virginia. The former teacher was forced to retire due to ALS and the students were traumatized by the grief. A yearly performance trip to Disney World had long been established and the big question as soon as I arrived became, “are you good enough to get us to Florida?” The pressure was excruciating. It was my very first teaching position and I would have to help the students raise tens of thousands of dollars to pay for the trip, prepare a performance and teach five other classes with two community-wide performances expected from all the students. I still shudder with anxiety when I think about it. 

Suffering from terrible childhood trauma, I dissociated in a gigantic way. Pushing parenting, marriage, anxiety, and trauma to the bottom, I focused on surviving the year and getting to Florida. Money raised, performance polished, we won first place performing onstage at the Magic Kingdom.

I arrived home a wreck. There was no life management involved. There are no happy memories associated with that accomplishment. I had no framework for my life—and no way to manage any of the effects of trauma. In the coming weeks, we’re going to go on a life-changing journey toward life management. It’s a new way to live and it is going to be a springboard to defy trauma and embrace joy! Let’s get started! Next week’s blog: The Life Management Skill of A Schedule. 

Sign up to receive a Free trauma informed newsletter with exclusive video & download content every Friday at:https://authorrebekahbrown.com/  

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Rebekah Brown

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.

The Mother of all re-gifting stories

I recently regifted a present. It was a journal someone had given me that I could not use. Another friend enjoyed journals, so instead of sending it to Goodwill, I regifted it. As I sat across from my friend, the gift bag between us, I thought of a terrible regifting story I had once heard. Then I thought about the journal I was about to give her. What if my name or a note to me was inscribed inside and I had missed it? I quickly told my friend it was a re-gift. In the end, the journal was blank and my friend could have cared less whether it was a regift or not. We laughed together as I shared why regifting made me so nervous. And now, I shall relate the same to you. This is the mother of all regifting stories.

It seems Jenny Smith, just recently married, received duplicate crystal bowls. They were very expensive, so Jenny set one of the bowls in her dining room cabinet for all to see and stored the other in the linen closet. A few days later she received an invitation to the wedding shower of a friend. The duplicate crystal bowl would be the perfect gift. After all, it sat snuggly in its original blue box surrounded by tissue paper. All it needed was a new satin ribbon.

The day for the shower arrived, and all the young friends sat in a circle together. Present after present was opened. Finally, the blue box was passed to the guest of honor. Ooos and ahhs rose from the group.

“It’s so beautiful, Jenny! You shouldn’t have bought me such an expensive present! Oh, I love it. I just love it!”

Jenny brushed aside the compliment. “My pleasure.”

Suddenly, the bride-to-be frowned. “What’s that?” she exclaimed indicating the bottom of the bowl. 

“What’s wrong?” asked Jenny. “Is there a crack?” Everyone leaned forward in concern.

“No,” said the bride-to-be. “There’s some kind of writing on here.”

“What? I didn’t see that.” A sinking feeling hit Jenny’s stomach. 

The bride-to-be read the bottom. “To Greg and Jenny. Congratulations & Best Wishes, The Thompsons.” Giving a little sniff, the bride-to-be stuck her nose in the air. “It’s engraved— to you.” 

Jenny didn’t know what to do. She swallowed hard as every eye waited for her reply. Was her face as red as it felt? “I apologize. I got doubles of the same bowl and wanted to share my luck with you. Let me have it. I don’t think the one at home is engraved. I’ll change it out.”

Jenny slunk away from the party, blue box in hand. She was utterly humiliated. Years later, when Jenny told a bunch of us girlfriends that story, she still turned as red as a tomato. We all had a good laugh at the horror of it and secretly thanked God that had never happened to us. I thought of that story when I regifted the journal, but I was lucky. I had given it to a real friend. What a shame that bride-to-be had not been kind enough to cover for Jenny. I mean, isn’t that what real friends do?

Narcissists and Gift Giving

Narcissists and the family systems they run act just like that bride-to-be. Cover for you? It’s far worse than that. Gift-giving becomes an opportunity for rejection and humiliation…on purpose.

“I can’t use that.”

“Why did you buy that?”

“Did they have this in red? I don’t like the brown.”

Trying to please unpleasable people hurts. Nowhere is this more obvious than gift giving. I had an antique manuscript page framed for a history buff family member only to be given it back a few years later. 

“We’re downsizing and don’t have room for this anymore.”

Did they not get it was a present from the heart? I had dragged that thing all the way from Europe. No, they didn’t get it.

Think about the times you have given gifts that have been received with a critical eye. Then think about those that were received as they were meant.

“This gift represents a part of me. And I’m giving it to you.”

“Oh thank you. I receive the gift of you with great joy.”

Nobody says it that way, but that is what should be communicated. And that, dear friends, is the point of giving gifts at Christmas. Receive the presents given to you this season and throughout the year with a grateful heart—whether it is what you wanted or not, or whether it’s a tacky regift. These are opportunities to encourage and express your love for the giver. Stop giving gifts to people who don’t know how to receive them and most of all, stop giving the gift yourself to people who only know how to hurt you. Defy trauma, and give gifts to people who embrace joy. 

To receive a FREE trauma-informed newsletter, video, and worksheet every Friday, sign up athttps://authorrebekahbrown.com/: 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Rebekah Brown

Rebekah Brown, a native of the south, now resides in the Great American West. Surviving a complicated and abusive family system makes her unique writing style insightful as well as uplifting. Rebekah is the proud mother of two and grandmother of four.

Every year I battle depression during the holidays, and every year I judge myself for seeing the world through glass-half-empty lenses. Because let’s be real, no one actually likes the glass-half-empty relative or co-worker!  

 This year is a bit different though. Make no mistake, I’m still depressed! But I have a year of Internal Family Systems therapy under my belt this year. And the cardinal rule in IFS is: all parts are welcome. Even the grouchy ones! 

What’s Internal Family System?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a psychotherapy approach that identifies and addresses sub-personalities or families within a person’s mental system.

Every part of my system has an identity, a purpose, and a story. And together, my parts’ varied interests, feelings, and concerns created something beautiful. 

My internal family created: my survival.

 I have an Anxiety part, an Anger part, an Inner-child, and even a Shame part. 

On the good days,  I cope with my CPTSD triggers by letting my parts speak to me. By letting my internal family speak through me. Whether it’s art or poetry or music-  I feel more grounded and grateful after my parts say their piece. Their worldview makes more sense, and I can’t help but feel an influx of radical empathy for them. For their stories. 

So today, I allowed Christmas Graffiti, the fiery, cynical, and sad part of me who hates Christmas, to share her story. I nicked named her after graffiti because, much like the style of art, her views defy societal norms. And Graffiti could care less about anyone’s expectations.  Here’s a bit of her monologue! 

Meet Christmas Graffiti 

Christmases were consistently bad from year 7 of this lifetime forward. 

That was around the time my mother buried her pain in church and was all but consumed by the Prosperity wave of the Pentecostal movement. … If you just thought: “Well, Whereeeeee was Brittany’s Dad?”

I’ll answer your question- with a question: 

WHERE WERE MOST OF OUR DADS?!? Like most of my close friends growing up: 

1. Church was norm 1 
2. Poverty was norm 2 
3. War- level emotional violence was …

Graffiti’s Favorite Christmas

Anyway, my favorite Christmas of this lifetime is year 17! 

It was so simple and sweet! Everyone was happy that day. Dream Girls on a loop. I remember Chinese food and Starbucks and smiles and laughter. I remember WARMTH. 

Still no Fathers 👀 but … If Adam would have been there, I’d stamp that memory #perfect! 

I think of that memory sometimes when my mind and my heart get really quiet. You know, when I’m lonely.  I try not to let my mind wander there this time of year though. Because, within seconds, my nostalgia settles into the depths of what Abraham Hicks calls: contrast. That’s the part of our existence that teaches us what we don’t like … what we loathe. 

When I sit in my dark room for too long…  I’m reminded of the nuances that make me detest our favorite Christmas. 

Graffiti’s… Not So Favorite Memories From Year 17

You see, in Year 17, we ALSO lived off Avenue K in Arlington. There were up to 8 of us in a 1 bedroom apartment. 

1234567 … EIGHT! 

No beds, no furniture, no abundance, and still no Fathers 👀. 

Just sleep pallets! The few friends I had at Lamont High never understood why I refused to invite them into our shabby apartment after school. 

I’m sure they assumed I had a beautiful crib. Because kids with parents who drove Audis and Hummers usually had beautiful cribs! In 2006 anyway! 

Tracy from UTA was the first friend I invited inside that empty, dingy little apartment. I felt safe letting her witness my shame. Tracy grew up middle class, but somehow it felt like her heart held as much sorrow as mine. Somehow I knew she’d be kind. And I was grateful that she never asked why I didn’t have my own room or a bed or even a couch! 

I’m still grateful today! 

Anyway- it bothers me that I’m such a cynic.  Mostly because it bothers Brittany. She’s on the whole: be positive, manifest the life you want, and write a gratitude list wave. 

So, I’m the grinch destroying her Christmas season, so to speak. 

 I’m a bit like a recurring thumbnail that won’t erase no matter how much Brittany tries to bury me. But I can’t help what replays in my head constantly. I can’t help that I remember the worst parts of our favorite Christmas the best. And I can’t help that the worst Christmas in this lifetime is stamped across every holiday season. Undoubtedly, our worst year was year 14! 

Graffiti’s Worst Christmas Memory 

Hand me that little canvas would ya? It was my, I mean her, Brittany’s freshman year of high school: 

• Haltom City 
• Park Vista Section 8 Apartments 
• Filth 
• Me, mom, and my brother shared a room in Jessie’s house 
• Jessie had 4 sons 
• We had no beds 
• NO fathers (👀) 

There were pallets! One for Brittany, one for her baby brother, and one for her Mom. 

And all we got on Year 14 were socks and these off-brand candies. They were these tri-color gummy, round candies! Our gifts along with the Turkey loaf Jessie doctored up for us were from a local charity in Fort Worth. It was cold and lonely and awful at Jessie’s house year-round.  And I cried a lot in year 14. I cried for God. Especially on days, I thought  I was home alone.

 👧🏾🙏🏾: “Our Father who art in heaven” 👀

One of Jessie’s sons heard me screaming and crying while praying one day. 

I assured him I was okay. But I wasn’t … And neither was he. Oh, how I’d pray and pray and PRAY… 

“Please! God help me.”Please God help my family!”👧🏾 🙏🏾: “Our father who art in heaven” 👀

In this lifetime, even the divine Father situated in heaven was … ABSENT! 👀… Especially during year 14. 

He never came to save me. He never came for us. Brittany’s Dad never came for us. Brandon’s Dad never came for us. The only person who came for us was Brittany, but that was 6 years later!

 It was too late. 

Abandonment dipped in holiness is still abandonment is what I’m saying I guess. I was very depressed and confused during year 14. We all were. 

But technically, Turkey loaf is way better than nothing at all! 

I’m just saying that it bothers me a bit that I remember more about my worst Christmas than my sweetest one. I seem to only remember the bad. But it happened … okay. The bad happened. And closing your eyes and pretending that it didn’t is how bad things continue to happen. 

Graffiti’s Early Memories 

Brittany’s parents told me I was spoiled, from years 0 to 7, of this lifetime anyway. 

Those years are foggy. It’s like trying to write a novel with the details from 3 blurry Polaroid pictures. Luckily I have a literal picture from that era. And there was a huge Christmas tree and lots of shiny gift boxes. My blood relatives are there. Even Brittany’s father.  These are my “normal” family memories. But I don’t think of them for too long because…

Graffiti’s Ethos

There are barely a handful of happy, healthy memories. But for the sake of simplicity and optimism, let’s say I-, I mean Brittany had  2 “good” Christmas memories and 1 awful one. 

And you may ask, 

“But … isn’t 2 good memories better than no good Christmas memories, Brittany- (I meant Graffiti)”? 

“Shouldn’t you just be grateful that things weren’t worse?”

There are the glass half full and the glass half empty folks. And then, there’s me Graffiti, waving my hands and angrily asking who’s being stingy with the [expletive] water pitcher. Everyone deserves overflowing cups. That’s what I read. That’s what I prayed. My cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy.

I’m completely convinced I’d be happier if my stupid glass was empty! ~

I’d rather have nothing than not enough, so yeah pour this out right now. Just Empty my cup and leave. 

My Gratitude for Graffiti 

Though it seems intuitive to hold compassion and empathy for the parts of me that stubbornly latch onto righteous anger, most days it’s incredibly hard for me to sit down and do it. There’s a part of me that knows  I suffered enough as a kid. And, now that I’m finally safe, I should focus on happiness and abundance. Some refer to this as spiritual bypassing. 

It’s almost like I will myself into being this healed, whole, beautifully spiritual archetype that doesn’t actually exist. The real world is ruled by duality. 

And, there’s beauty in the nuances of our stories. It’s where our unique stories and our legacies begin. 

I’m excited to continue creating the parent I never had as I continue healing.  But year 14 and year 17 deserve reverence. They deserve space. They deserve to be seen. They deserve safety. They deserve LOVE.  Even if their stories aren’t filled with sunshine, rainbows,  or Santa in a winter wonderland. It’s mine! This is my internal family. 

These are the amazing stories of how I survived Complex Trauma.  A million love stories filled with triumphs and despair and life- lessons. And every part is worthy. 

May I keep striving to never take my parts for granted. 

Feeling inspired? Take a few moments to reflect on your best and worst holiday memories. Jot your thoughts down and share them with your therapist or someone you trust! 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Brittany Dickey’s a CPTSD warrior making her mark by promoting self-care.  She’s a go-to marketing expert for clients across industries. She has a strong background in strategic and creative planning, social media management, and content strategy. With over 8 years of experience, she’s worked with a diverse set of clients including Fortune 500 Companies, Marketing Agencies, Tech startups, Non-profits, and more!

Brittany N. Dickey

Brittany Dickey’s a CPTSD warrior making her mark by promoting self-care. She’s a go-to marketing expert for clients across industries. She has a strong background in strategic and creative planning, social media management, and content strategy. With more than 8 years of experience, she’s worked with a diverse set of clients including Fortune 500 Companies, Marketing Agencies, Tech Startups, Nonprofits, and more!

Traditions are beliefs or behaviors passed down within a group or society with symbolic meanings or special significance with origins in the past. The holidays are filled with traditions that as a person with a disability have riddled me with guilt, shame, embarrassment, frustration, and anger, is an altogether challenging, miserable, and overall traumatic time. Why, because it’s filled with overestimating or underestimating what I can or cannot do, complaints, neglect, and endangerment. People assume the easy or little things I am able to do are some significant form of inclusion over adapting what I want to take part in making sure that activity is accessible. The half-hearted attempts to have gatherings at my home rather than finding a public, accessible location. The lack of understanding even one’s own family or friend group has as a result of failing to see them as no different than anyone is sickening! We are different and that’s okay but not an excuse to mistreat, endanger, or abuse us in the name of family or tradition.

As an adult disabled person who has moved away from an abusive family now what I deal with is having to depend on a caregiver who “shouldn’t have to work the holidays” and “I shouldn’t be their responsibility to take care of when its the holidays because its a time to be with family” and they “deserve a break”. Well, I am sorry that I have to pee on Christmas…how dare I not be able to turn off a normal human function because you deserve the day off or shouldn’t have to put up with working the holidays! I currently live alone but that hasn’t always been the case. When not living alone but with people who were not my blood relatives they would make the effort with half-hearted attempts to include me by helping with the tree decorating only to end up complaining that the decorations were too close together or only in one spot. I am not sure what they expected from a wheelchair user unable to reach closer to the top or navigate around the tree. If I was asked to wrap gifts someone would always make sure to make comments on the way it was done either saying it wasn’t cut straight, had too much paper on the ends, or the bow should be in the corner if I had it in the middle, or the tags should be somewhere other than where I placed them. I would be asked to help with the food as if people believed I was capable and confident in my abilities to do so only to be given a peeler to peel veggies or a knife but then they would hover over me the whole time telling me to be careful. It wasn’t worth being involved or included because, for the most part, it left me feeling like I would rather be and truly was left out. Though it is better now I opted out of decorating my home as a caregiver feels it is not their job to help with those kinds of things and though I clearly see that as wrong I honestly don’t mind skipping out on holiday decorating as I enjoy it much more in virtual reality spaces.

As a child still in an abusive situation from the outside people would never have known anything as we presented in church as the well-dressed happy family that had it all together. I was the flawed burden that needed the cure or the healing and everyone felt sorry that they didn’t know how to make that happen. They wanted desperately to solve a problem so they threw money at it. When it wasn’t that it was inviting my parents out to get a break and away from me for the night. As a very young child, Christmas was pretty typical as I would be the one to put the star on top of the tree until I got too big. I was generally tasked with watering the tree as I was the only one in the house that really needed to crawl as well as pulling the gifts out from under it Christmas morning and giving them to their rightful owners. The thing that was different was Christmas letters to Santa. They always had to include telling Santa to be good to the children in the hospital and making sure the things that were on the list were things that were suitable and practical rather than wants. In some ways that killed my ability to dream and the magic of the holiday season. Plus, let’s not forget having the constant of the year Santa arrived drunk and broke my toys.

After I had a rod placed in my back at the age of ten in some ways that became an excuse for my parents not taking part in holiday get-togethers but at the same time family eventually drifted away from coming to ours because they deemed to be too much on my parents while having to care for me. When I was thought to be recovered there was more pressure placed on my family to attend holiday gatherings but having me attend also. People never seemed to realize with ice and snow plus alcohol made for a situation where I was being placed in danger. It was very similar to how the people treated me with the Christmas tree, gift wrapping, and helping with food prep. They seemed to see everything about me as different but nothing at all was at the same time. It seemed a lot easier to blame me for being the problem over accepting I was different. Reality is a hard pill to swallow, I guess.

Drinking for any reason, especially during the holidays, at social gatherings is a huge part of the culture and traditions in my local area. So, it’s not like me being carried through ice and snow or having my father get behind the wheel to drive after gatherings is entirely shocking or an infrequent, new concept, but the failure to realize how that puts a disabled person in even more danger than the average individual and the lack of awareness of such things definitely is. Family gatherings, as a disabled person, come with a unique set of circumstances that greatly impact how we feel about the holidays, can/are for many reasons traumatic, and most definitely impact our mental health.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/

If you’ve lived through a traumatic childhood or domestic violence situation, you may not know what it feels like to feel jolly. Some of us feel a sense of dread the closer it gets to the holidays as the holidays approach. The trauma triggers are different for everyone, but we can all deal with them similarly.

It has been thirty-five years since I left an abusive relationship, and I still have nightmares. The holidays were the worst. I am not alone. Many people living in abuse and left their abusers still experience trauma triggers related to what happened during an abusive episode.

As an adult child of an alcoholic navigating my way through the world in a healthy relationship and a functional household today, I can still feel my shoulders tense as the holidays approach. No matter how much time has gone by, the holidays still present triggers for me. The turbulence and disorder that were all part of my past holiday seasons come flooding back unwillingly.

What Is a Trigger?

A trigger is any event or object that reminds you of, or subconsciously connects you to, an aspect of your abuse. Sometimes a smell or sound can trigger a past traumatic incident. Triggers cause you to behave in the same way you did during or immediately after a traumatic event. Your brain does not differentiate what happened then from what is going on around you now. So, you may act in a way that perhaps you don’t even understand. You may find yourself having sudden bouts of crying and not knowing why. You could become nauseous or tired. For me, triggers come first in nightmares.

If you have CPTSD, you may experience trauma triggers to greater degrees or more often than those without CPTSD.

How Do We Handle Triggers?

Recognize your behavior or physical symptom as the result of a trauma trigger. Perhaps it seems simplistic to say to yourself, “Something triggered me, and now I feel this way.” Your brain needs to hear it, and it would help remind your brain that where you are now is more important than where you were then. Do something that will make you feel more safe, calm, or confident.

1. Focus On Your Five Senses

Hearing and smell: Listen to your favorite music. I listen to smooth jazz, with my favorite candle smell filling the air.

Sight: Watch movies that make you feel good or laugh.

Touch and taste: Snuggle with a soft blanket and a cup of your favorite hot drink like hot chocolate and apple cider.

2. Give thanks to where you are right now in your life

Start at Thanksgiving. Sit for a minute with your thoughts. Look around and notice five things from your environment (think five senses; sights, sounds, textures, smells, or taste). Ground yourself into the here and now and think of three things to be grateful for.

 3. Go back to your basics

Listen to positive affirmations—music, a daily meditation—anything to keep that tape of positivity playing in your head. Purchase a pocket-size affirmation book to always keep with you. I use a daily meditation for Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Listen to positive podcasts; there are so many now for learning, for laughing, or just for listening. Find a couple that you like, download some episodes, listen to them while driving your car or doing your errands, or just for an extra boost.

4. Goodbye to Guilt

Be realistic. The holiday will not be perfect. Learn to say no. Identify the people, places, and things that are healthy and useful in your life, and discard those that are not.

Choose which celebrations you attend. The holiday celebrations are a matter of choice, and you have permission to say no to protect yourself from inner turmoil.

5. Take a Walk in Nature

I always turn inward. I go for a walk even when it is cold out. Nature always calms me and makes me think of life and what matters to me. Studies have shown that nature reduces blood pressure, lowers cancer risk, and lifts people’s spirits.(2)

6. Buy Gifts for Others in Need

It always makes me appreciate what I do have, what I didn’t have as a child. My go-to is usually a domestic violence shelter, and I purchase items for a couple of families in need. Find a cause you are passionate about and gift it to them. It doesn’t have to be much. Giving always makes me feel better and appreciate what I do have.

Join the flow with holiday shoppers and when you are buying gifts, treat the wounded inner child in you to a treat.

7. Practice Self Care

Be Gentle with Yourself. Get enough sleep and exercise—practice Yoga. Learn how to breathe in and out and release the stuff that no longer works for you. I put a stickie note on my bathroom mirror that says: I am safe, I am strong, I am loved, and I live with peace.

8. Journal your thoughts and feelings

Keep a journal with you when feelings crop up, so you have somewhere to process them.

9. Meditation

Meditation not only changes the brain, but it changes our subjective perception and feelings as well. It offers emotional balance, increased focus, and reduced anxiety. *(1)

10. Start a New Tradition

It’s interesting to see what other countries do for the holidays. You may want to try one.

Resources:

1. Meditation: In-depth. National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health. https://nccih.nih.gov/health/meditation/overview.htm. Accessed Jan. 5, 2017.

2. “Nurtured by Nature” Psychological research is advancing our understanding of how time in nature can improve our mental health and sharpen our cognition https://www.apa.org/monitor/2020/04/nurtured-nature. Accessed Nov. 5, 2021.

Susan Morris

Susan Frances Morris is the author of The Sensitive One, a memoir dealing with childhood trauma, abuse, health, and healing. She holds a bachelor’s degree in nursing and was a practicing nurse from 1989 to 2011, primarily in Women’s Health. She was raised in Springfield, Massachusetts, the second oldest of seven siblings with two sets of twins.  http://susanfrancesmorris.com

susanfrancesmorris.com

We have briefly discussed in a previous article about neurotransmitters and a little of their vital functions. In this article, we shall explore them deeper and see how neurotransmitters can be our friend or foe when it comes to expressing the pain of seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).

A Recap on the Symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder

We cannot go any further into our discussion about neurotransmitters and the brain until we recap the symptoms of seasonal affective disorder as stated in our first post on this subject.

Seasonal affective disorder is a form of major depression that affects an estimated 10 million Americans with another 10-20% having a milder form. SAD is four times more common in women than men.

SAD doesn’t only occur in winter as it can also form in the summertime, but that is much rarer.

The symptoms of seasonal affective disorder in winter are as follows:

• Tendency to oversleep
• Insomnia
• Weight gain
• Weight loss
• A drop in energy levels
• Feelings of hopelessness and sadness
• Decreased physical activity
• Fatigue
• Irritability
• Difficulty concentrating
• Avoidance of social situations
• Suicidal thoughts or actions

People who suffer from serious bouts of seasonal affective disorder become incapacitated and often unable to work until the sun rises higher in the sky and the warm weather creeps back in.

Researchers believe that all these effects from seasonal affective disorder are closely related if not directly caused by changes in the way our body makes and uses neurotransmitters.

What are Neurotransmitters?

Neurotransmitters are chemical substances that brain cells use to communicate with one another through neurotransmission. These chemicals are synthesized in and released from the end of one brain cell to another and cause one of two effects, excitatory (winds you up) or inhibitory (slows you down). To be clear, some neurotransmitters can do both.

There are more than 40 known neurotransmitters in the human nervous system, but the ones we shall be interested in for this piece are Dopamine, Serotonin, and Norepinephrine.

Dopamine (the motivational transmitter). Dopamine is secreted by neurons in the substantia nigra a region in the midbrain and its effects are both excitatory and inhibitory (revving up and calming down). Dopamine affects mood and motivation plus the desire to finish tasks. Dopamine also regulates eating patterns which are disturbed with the onset of SAD causing the person to either over, or more rarely, undereat causing weight gain or loss.

Dopamine is involved in the reward reaction of the brain and this is why some chemical agents, such as drugs, become addictive because they raise the levels of dopamine in the brain.

Serotonin (the happiness transmitter).  Serotonin acts as a booster for mood and happiness when released in sufficient quantities in the brain. When a person has low brain serotonin levels they are at high risk for more violent and successful attempts to die by suicide and the formation of SAD. Sunlight keeps serotonin levels high by decreasing the chemical activity that inhibits the formation of serotonin or the use of it.

Serotonin also regulates sleep, anxiety, sexuality, and appetite, and drugs that work to balance Serotonin are often prescribed to treat depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and panic disorders.

Norepinephrine. Norepinephrine does double duty as a hormone produced by the adrenal glands and as a neurotransmitter in the brain. Norepinephrine is made by the same chemical factory as adrenaline and aids in our ability to concentrate, a role in our mood control, and our bodies respond to stress.

Norepinephrine also plays an important role in our ability to remain alert and is deeply involved with the body’s fight or flight response. The role of norepinephrine is to mobilize the body and brain to act in times of danger, real or perceived. Levels of this brain chemical are lowest during sleep and highest during stressful events.

Obviously, all three chemicals play vital roles in how we are able to think and feel plus our motivation to carry on with our plans.

The Signs and Symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) is a devastating mental health condition that affects millions of people around the world. The disorder is brought on by experiencing extreme and repetitive trauma normally in childhood, but it can affect adults as well.

CPTSD has a long list of symptoms that one can recognize in oneself to determine if we have the disorder including the following as outlined in a previous post on the subject:

• Feelings of shame
• Feelings of guilt
• Difficulty controlling emotions
• Losing attention and concentration
• Physical symptoms such as headaches
• Dizziness
• Chest pain
• Dissociation
• Isolating away from friends and family
• Relationship difficulties
• Destructive or risky behavior
• Self-harm
• Substance abuse
• Suicidal actions or thoughts including passive suicidal behaviors

The above is only a shortlist of the hundreds of life-altering symptoms a person living with complex post-traumatic stress disorder can experience.

The reason I bothered to list the symptoms of CPTSD on a piece primarily about seasonal affective disorder is that the two have much in common when it comes to neurotransmitter malfunctions in the brain. It is the same neurochemicals in CPTSD that cause different behaviors as cause depressed and down moods in SAD.

Two Treatments that Definitely Work for Both CPTSD and SAD

Although we think and reason with our brain it is truly the final frontier of discovery for mankind. Our brain makes up only a small percentage of our body per weight, yet it is a powerhouse guiding what the rest of the body does. We ponder at why neurotransmitters cause the effects they do but we do not truly understand thoroughly how and why they do so.

Every year we learn more and more about how to treat mental health disorders and now know they are treatable brain disorders that need treatment.

There are two tried and found effective treatments that seem to help both complex post-traumatic stress disorder and seasonal affective disorder, sunlight, and exercise.

Sunlight causes our brain to regulate neurotransmitters better allowing us to feel more awake in the daytime and more positive. Light stimulates the production of cholecalciferol which is transformed by the human body into vitamin D. The vitamin D helps the body maintain higher levels of serotonin during the darkness of winter.

Exercise creates a chemical cocktail that boosts the level of serotonin in the brain and helps to regulate levels of the stress hormone cortisol. It also releases feel-good endorphins into the bloodstream.

Both these treatments are free for all and easy to carry out. On the warmer sunny days in winter bundle up and sit in the sun for at least twenty minutes. Then, afterward, take a brisk walk in the winter breezes and enjoy the sounds of the wintertime season.

“What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness.” ~ John Steinbeck

“Snow was falling,
so much like stars
filling the dark trees
that one could easily imagine
its reason for being was nothing more
than prettiness.”

~ Mary Oliver

If you a survivor or someone who loves a survivor and cannot find a therapist who treats complex post-traumatic stress disorder, please, contact CPTSD Foundation. We have a staff of volunteers who have been compiling a list of providers who treat CPTSD. They would be happy to give you more ideas about where to look for and find a therapist to help you. Go to the contact us page and send us a note stating you need help, and our staff will respond quickly to your request.

Are you a therapist who treats CPTSD? Please, consider dropping us a line to add you to our growing list of providers. You would get aid in finding clients, and you would be helping someone find the peace they deserve. Go to the contact us page and send us a note, and our staff will respond quickly.

Shortly, CPTSD Foundation will have compiled a long list of providers who treat complex post-traumatic stress disorder. When it becomes available, we will be putting it on our website www.CPTSDFoundation.org.

Make sure to visit us and sign up for our weekly newsletter to help keep you informed on treatment options and much more for complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

If you or a loved one live in the despair and isolation that comes with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, please, come to us for help. CPTSD Foundation offers a wide range of services, including:

• Daily Calls
• The Healing Book Club
• Support Groups
• Our Blog
• The Trauma-Informed Newsletter
• Daily Encouragement Texts

The Healing Book Club

Today, CPTSD Foundation would like to invite you to our healing book club, reading a new book that began in September. The title of the latest featured book is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

Led by Sabra Cain, the healing book club is only $7 per month, the fee going towards scholarships for those who cannot afford access to materials offered by CPTSD Foundation.

Should you decide to join the Healing Book Club, please purchase your books through our Amazon link to help us help you.

All our services are reasonably priced, and some are even free. So, to gain more insight into how complex post-traumatic stress disorder is altering your life and how you can overcome it, sign-up; we will be glad to help you.  If you cannot afford to pay, go to www.cptsdfoundation.org/scholarship to apply for aid. We only wish to serve you.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

Every year, as steady as the procession of the sun, October 1st through December 31st are my depressing months. These are the months of most active denial. These are the months I want to ignore, avoid, rush through. Whatever I’m trying to hide from, whatever I’m trying to sidestep or outrun to reach the faint hope promised by the new year, it contrasts sharply with the presumably happy times I was supposed to have.

For most of my adult life, I’ve avoided celebrating these or any other holidays. Oh, I might meet with friends. I might just as often isolate to binge watch some captivating TV series. I do make a point of eating turkey and favored trimmings on Thanksgiving. That provokes the one pleasant set of memories associated with “that time of the year.”

On that first day when the temperature drops from pleasantly comfortable to unexpectedly chilled, there’s that subtle something tainting the air. Autumn approaches. It’s a juggernaut now rushing headlong toward me. Attempts to escape are futile. During waking hours, I do my best to navigate ever more varied and unruly emotions. At night, I curl up cozy under heavy blankets and cuddle with my teddy bear or the pillow surrogate and imagine being in my safe space until I fall asleep. Sometimes even that doesn’t work.

Fortunately, matters have improved in recent years. When I take the time and energy to look, definite progress becomes evident. These days I feel more nostalgic than morbidly miserable. Despite the shortening days and increasing frequency of cold, overcast skies, the depression others have erroneously blamed on Seasonal Affective Disorder isn’t nearly as pronounced. I appreciate this. In fact, as I look, I can see that much has improved. Apparently, at some point during the past year, I resolved some things, most likely through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Journaling, therapy, and corresponding with peers have also helped relieve more of this dark and buried burden I’ve carried throughout my life. I’ve been able to allow myself new opportunities, explore new options, to make new connections with a larger world.

I still don’t care to celebrate any holiday. I probably won’t ever practice status quo traditions. I don’t want to. I don’t have to either. I’ve given myself permission to decline such invitations, tactfully of course, but sometimes rudely, if circumstances warrant. At least I can enter stores inundated with Christmas music without lapsing into suicidal ideation.

That’s a big deal; a profoundly rewarding achievement. Now, instead of being lost and trapped for months in an oppressive gray fog, I can notice and contemplate evidence of progress. That inspires a spontaneous smile of gratitude more enlivening than the warmest holiday cheer.

I can choose to spend quality time with one or a few people that I actually want to visit, sharing moments that are actually meaningful – to us all. I can share time with people who, like me, consider sincere smiles and gentle hugs more than enough of a gift, and far preferable to any material trinket. These are my true friends – people who know what it’s like to survive hell.

People who strive to progress despite even seemingly insurmountable obstacles, sometimes one day, one moment, one step at a time. People who discover and express their strengths despite their traumas and often because of them. People who care about others with a rare depth of empathy and compassion. People who can see me, and who I can see, with easy understanding and acceptance. People who I know deep down inside are safe to be with, to share with, to just sit quietly with. With a glance and a grin, we know: we survived the fury; we have nothing to prove to each other.

None are my family of origin. Yet, these people are my true family. They are the heavenly contrast to the hell of my childhood. What I couldn’t choose then I can choose now. That choice is not only another reason to smile, it’s a gift I give myself every time I choose anything that truly honors me and those I care about.

And this choice, this ability to choose, makes “that time of the year” a little lighter, a little brighter, each and every time it rolls around.

J Bradley O 2020

J Bradley O

J. Bradley O is a writer, peer mentor, and author of the forthcoming memoir, Shimmering Shattered Self – Reclaiming Treasure from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse. He has devoted over 30 years to investigating the devastating personal impact of childhood abuse trauma. Using the uncanny perception of an empathic introvert, he identifies and reveals obscure factors critical to personal recovery. As a salvaged wood crafter, he revels in demonstrating the inherent value, purpose, and splendor of materials invalidated by status quo standards. For more insights and updates on his forthcoming book, subscribe to his blog at dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com.

dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com