I Recovered at 47.

I was highly alexithymic for most of my life. Like many people who struggle to identify their emotions, I assumed I was on the autism spectrum. Because I could generally get by in the world, I never bothered trying to get an official diagnosis.

That all changed after I underwent surgery to remove my giant tonsils and a damaged uvula (the dangly thing in the back of the throat). They were causing extremely severe sleep apnea, completely wrecking my sleep quality.

Once I recovered from the surgery, everything began to shift. Specifically, I began to shift.

I discovered that I actually possess emotional empathy, not just cognitive empathy. Previously, I could only intellectually put myself in someone else’s shoes to approximate what they must be feeling. Now, I can look at a person and—without any external context—literally feel a reflection of their emotions inside myself.

The emotional recovery process was an absolute roller coaster. It felt like my old identity was dying. The self I used to describe as functional and logical completely fell away. I didn’t understand why I was morphing into a completely different person, and neither did the people around me (though my partner at the time was thrilled that I was finally capable of deep emotional connection).

For about 18 months, I started drinking, and I would sit alone and cry every single night. I was processing a lifetime of suppressed loss that I previously never had access to. Strangely, I had a big, stupid grin on my face through the tears because I was just so profoundly grateful to finally feel sad for the things I had missed and lost.

I won’t write a novel here, but I wanted to share this because I realize I’m in a unique position. Having lived on both sides of the river, I now understand what it’s like to be completely cut off from emotions, and what it’s like to suddenly feel everything.

I think I do have have CPTSD, left over from navigating a dangerous world while numb to damage. I have no startle reflex and witness other tell tale signs.

I would love to contribute an article like this beautiful story. I’m glad I’m not the only story of recovery.

Lakie (untung “Lakie” Laksito)

If they think you are down, depressed, sad or that their tactics are working, they will gain the false sense of superiority of the situation and look for another victim. I don’t even give things that I know is draining my energy or the effort. I’m emotionally and energetically disconnected while still getting my work done.

Once I’m logged off, it’s like a flip of the energy switch. I’m back to feeling energized, happy and refreshed because I did not allow a toxic environment to suck the life out of me. Learn how to control what your energy goes to.

Let them throw a fake party about how they think they won and keep thriving without validation. These type of people like to run in groups. Especially, if they feel threatened by you. Luckily, you have nothing to prove to people like this.

Some will get so cocky with their tactics, they will keep attacking you, even if you flip the energetic switch off. They are so high off themselves, they don’t even realize they’re not being fed your energy. If they continue, take the proper steps to take legal action. Especially if it turns to harassment, defamation of character, prejudicing, unethical treatment etc. What an excellent article!