This is honestly a really insightful viewpoint and I appreciate your comment! I constantly think about death, but as you said, not in a suicidal way. Thank you for your input.

It was 2 years ago now that I was diagnosed with CPTSD and the accompanying alphabet soup of co-illnesses – after having visions of putting a gun to my head everytime I blinked – But I wasn’t suicidal – this was the initial confusing part I didn’t understand – I wasn’t suicidal.

I believe that the suicidal thoughts are for one – just part of this illness (and have accepted that) second, situational, this illness can be totally devestating in every part of our lives which can make the depression even worse and the thoughts of suicide that much stronger.

A common thread I have found amongst those with this illness is that they don’t want to die but they wish to be unalive. How you become unalive without dying is a mystery and a paradox, again, typical of the illness.