TRIGGER WARNING: This blog discusses suicidal ideation
Jumping right into it is my specialty, so I’ll do just that. I think that depression hits people with C-PTSD much differently than those without. There are days we find ourselves wishing everything was just over. The constant mental exhaustion, the anxiety, the lack of self-worth, and then there is the biggest issue of them all – NOTHING. Nothing is actually wrong right? Work is good, the dogs are good, and finances are good.
It lives rent-free, all the time
Yet you’re sitting there thinking about how simple it would be if you just simply died. There is no reason for this intrusive thought really. It’s just there. It lives rent-free, all the time. And if you talk to someone, they would tell you that you are indeed suicidal and need to seek help. Maybe this is just a me thing, but maybe it’s more than that. If you experience this too, I would say ask yourself this; Are you actually suicidal, or have you just detached yourself from the world so much so that you just don’t actually care about what life actually is, and it’s not that you actually wish you were dead, but you just don’t feel bothered by the idea.
We disassociate from many things in our lives, so what if we are actually getting to the point of disassociating from life itself? The “average” person sees a certain amount of value in human life. There is never a truly undeniable reason as to what makes our lives so valuable, but all of society puts that value there anyway. And then as a result you have a society that see’s the end of life as something entirely tragic and devastating.
Do you just not see the value of life the way society has painted it?
I think people like us are capable of seeing life without that intrinsic value. When you don’t have that view of life being undeniably valuable, you suddenly are capable of imagining things that might be unthinkable to everyone else. So I ask again, are you actually suicidal, or do you just not see the value of life the way society has painted it? While almost daily, I think about death, the end of my life, I don’t believe that I think about it because that’s what I want, I think about it because I have a hard time thinking in a world of 8 billion people, thousands being born every minute, that my life holds some kind of incredible value.
I think about death openly and commonly because it makes me consider what in this life DOES have value, and find something other than humanity that makes life worth living. Does that make sense? Perhaps not.