I was honestly terrified of losing control of myself and didn’t totally understand how it worked but after digging around I learned two important things: 1) it was like taking a fast forward on therapy and 2) it was transformative. So, I closed my eyes and applied.  According to their website, the program is for a diagnosis of PTSD, depression, substance use disorder, anxiety, disordered eating, and/or disordered sleeping that hasn’t shifted as well as you had hoped with medication, therapy, and other approaches.  Also, as one of the very few legal programs around, it’s not cheap.

The founder of the program, Shannon Dames, is a professor of nursing at VIU and is absolutely dedicated to ensuring the safety of participants. Ketamine is a strong drug and does have possible interactions, just like any medication. In the application process, you need a doctor’s approval of participation as well as a recent blood pressure reading. There is a bevy of nurses and doctors that work in the program and assist with all ketamine sessions.

I was put into a small group of eight women with one of the ladies participating from North Carolina. (She came to Vancouver Island for the ketamine sessions). Every week, we were in a large session and then split into our small groups where we learned how to give and receive unconditional positive regard. It was a strange, uncomfortable thing at first—to listen and not offer advice or opinion—to simply listen, accept and show that you heard. Most with trauma did not have this as children (necessary for secure attachment) so it was very powerful to finally have it. These weekly sessions created an environment of trust and acceptance which was the foundation of our ketamine sessions, a few weeks later.

For the first sit, my intention was to release fear. I was just so damn tired of being afraid. Unfortunately, the mother of all repressed memories decided to visit during the session, and I relived a terrifying moment that I was never sure had happened. The team leaped into action and helped me through it. After that session, I slept for two straight days. I felt like I had been hit by a truck and then it backed up and hit me again. I spent a week working through the memory with my cousin, my therapist, and the Roots to Thrive team.  At the end of the week, I woke up and realized I wasn’t afraid. I simply woke up. The fear had someone gone. It seems that the fear of not knowing whether this had happened was much more frightening than the reality. Finally, I was at peace.

For the second sit, my intention was to feel joy. Yahoooo, did I feel joy! Wow, that really showed me why hallucinogenics were so popular in the 60s—they may have had the right idea. I saw my two favourite people in heaven, my dad and my grandmother and I was dancing, flying, and running through meadows. If you are thinking, The Sound of Music, yup, exactly.  This picture is the photo I told them to take as I came out of the meds. I wanted them to get a picture of me with my eyes showing joy because, in all my pictures from the past, my eyes never smiled.  The crazy hair was how much I was moving around and partying.

For the third sit, my intention was to find my purpose. During my time in medicine, three words were repeated over and over: voice, community, and belonging. I was in the midst of a career and personal crisis at the time, and it completely changed my direction. I am now in school for Addictions and Mental Health Counselling as well as a certificate in Trauma. Also, I’ve started writing again…my voice.

So, bottom line, do hallucinogenics work? For me, without a doubt, that would be a resounding yes. Do I recommend them to everyone in the CPTSD community? Yes…but. The “but” is that it’s not necessarily just the drugs that are important. Ketamine should be done within a therapeutic setting and community to get a true therapeutic result. Just taking it at a party is not at all the same thing (and is super dangerous). The preparation and debriefing are as important as the actual medicine. Also, medically, it isn’t for everyone so be very sure you speak with your doctors.  Roots to Thrive is a model for this type of program so if you’re not sure about the one you’re considering, I highly encourage you to compare it to this one. The staff is amazing and if you have questions, definitely reach out to them.

If you’ve done hallucinogenics or considering them, I’d love to hear about it!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Belinda Pyle

Belinda lives on beautiful Vancouver Island where she fills her need for nature with hiking, horses, ocean, and any furry critters she can find. She is completing her post-grad certificate in Addictions and Mental Health Counselling and looks forward to helping others as she has been helped. As a third-generation survivor of trauma, she comes from a long line of crazy but strong women who have somehow succeeded in making lives that don’t completely suck.

I am not rejecting all of you amazing people, I am rejecting the honey that has brought all of us bees together. Honestly, how many of you truly want to be in this club? Like ALL of you, one of my favourite phrases (usually followed by some very inventive swear words) is, “I’m sick of this shit”.

Opening Pandaora’s Box

The best and the worst of the CPTSD journey is near the beginning when the land of CPTSD Oz has been revealed and you’re both fascinated, relieved, and revolted. The dream of a better life just became real, but you can’t unsee flying monkeys and you can’t unsee CPTSD. I have heard so many of us on this site talk about “opening Pandora’s box” and wanting to slam it shut, but it was too late. That is certainly how I felt.

Suddenly, CPTSD was coming at me from all directions. I couldn’t turn a corner or have a conversation with someone without a flashback, brain fart, or emotional aha moment. CPTSD stalked me all my life in the shadows. I always knew something was there and it terrified me, but I could never fully see it or put a name to it.  However, once I fully saw it and named it, it no longer stalked me—instead it moved in, took over my closet, put its feet on the coffee table, and asked what I was making for supper. Every. Damn. Day.

I had transformed into “Super-CPTSD” who could leap tall flashbacks in a single meltdown and could disassociate faster than any memory could catch me.

I could not get away from it, even for a moment. So, I decided that I was going to be the best CPTSD buster that ever lived. I was going to “get over it” and jumped into the books, podcasts, therapy, and support groups. I had transformed into “Super-CPTSD” who could leap tall flashbacks in a single meltdown and could disassociate faster than any memory could catch me.

This phase lasted for about two weeks from my initial “OMG” moment. Then, a particularly nasty flashback that put me on my butt and into my bed for a couple of days brought me back to reality. This was not another achievement or notch on my life belt. None of my previous tactics or tools were going to defeat this sucker.  While all my previous emotional work and healing had prepared me for the battle, I needed more.

This is the point in most self-help articles where I should be giving you the magic recipe to defeat that emotional monster in three easy steps and start a new and improved life. But, if you’re like me and someone tries to tell me I can do something in three easy steps, I want to slap them with the book they’re recommending.

There is no easy fix. We have all tried that whether it be denial, addiction, or the other myriad of quick fixes we attempt to get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible. But, there is a fix and it is actually quite simple. We need to feel the pain and as Brene Brown says, lean into it. I know you’re thinking, “What? Are you insane? I’m trying to NOT feel the pain anymore!” Well, that’s the conundrum of healing from trauma: to no longer feel pain, you need to feel the pain. But this time, you will be able to access your adult self and a solid system of support to reach in and truly heal that pain, so it is the last time you feel it to this degree.

Yes, the pain will end. Soon enough, you will find yourself in a new club, and this one you will definitely want to join—the CPTSD Healed Club. In this club, meetings aren’t so regular because you don’t really need them. They are fun though and filled with lots of smiles and knowing nods as we reminisce about how deep our pain used to be. Membership is open and we are always actively recruiting because we want everyone to join our club. If you are reading this, it shows that you are already on the right path to joining this club. Welcome!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Belinda Pyle

Belinda lives on beautiful Vancouver Island where she fills her need for nature with hiking, horses, ocean, and any furry critters she can find. She is completing her post-grad certificate in Addictions and Mental Health Counselling and looks forward to helping others as she has been helped. As a third-generation survivor of trauma, she comes from a long line of crazy but strong women who have somehow succeeded in making lives that don’t completely suck.

I take drugs. I take a lot of drugs; four in the morning and six at night as prescribed by my psychiatrist. A few months ago, the anxiety was overwhelming and regardless of the therapy, meditation, yoga, hiking, kayaking, or anything else, I still woke up with crippling anxiety and went to sleep exhausted from battling it all day. So, after an emergency visit to the hospital, as certain thoughts were becoming too strong to fight, I finally added another pill. In retrospect, I know that I should have gotten help earlier, but my resistance to adding one more pill was too great.

I was fortunate because the medicine worked, and the anxiety lowered to manageable. For so many people, medications developed to treat symptoms simply don’t work. Estimates on effectiveness vary, but a recent McGill University published in ScienceDaily found that only 40% of patients responded to the first depression medication they were given. This number is supported by numerous other studies with the number ranging from 30-40%.  In other words, not all medications work on all people.

There is no magic pill for CPTSD and instead, we find ourselves managing its symptoms, such as anxiety and depression, while we simultaneously try to heal. I remember well when the CPTSD cat was let out of the bag where it was hidden in my mind.  I felt like I was constantly being triggered and then thrown into an anxiety and depression hole. I’d climb out then, “BAM”, right in the CPTSD plexes again and I was back in that damn hole. For several months, the earth beneath me was constantly moving. It felt like it would never end. I felt hopeless.

Then, one day, it stopped. I looked back on an incident that would have normally had me face down in a tub of double chocolate Ben and Jerry’s ice cream or making a meal of my fingernails and realized, I was ok. It was a strange feeling. I called my cousin and told her, “Guess what?” She was prepared for a litany of swear words or sobs in reaction to the latest trigger but instead, I said, “I’m fine.” Silence. Then peals of laughter.

As we all know, it doesn’t completely just stop. For me, healing has meant that the triggers are fewer and the depth of the reactions shallower. I’m no longer in a constant state of complete exhaustion because my brain is no longer stuck “on” looking for saber-toothed tigers who want to make a mental meal out of me. I’m no longer just getting through the days, waking with dread and terror. Instead, I sometimes even smile when I’m opening my eyes. Gasp!

So, if you’re looking forward to some future date when you will finally be healed, I suggest you look behind you into your recent past. I bet you’ll find examples already of how you’ve begun to change. Healing sneaks up on you, but this kitty is one you can pet without losing your arm. Purrrr.

References:

Science Daily. https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/04/200408113245.htm

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Belinda Pyle

Belinda lives on beautiful Vancouver Island where she fills her need for nature with hiking, horses, ocean, and any furry critters she can find. She is completing her post-grad certificate in Addictions and Mental Health Counselling and looks forward to helping others as she has been helped. As a third-generation survivor of trauma, she comes from a long line of crazy but strong women who have somehow succeeded in making lives that don’t completely suck.

They are five perfect little floppy tulips with careless streaks of red, yellow, and orange on a white background. Every time I look at them, I smile because I bought myself flowers!

I didn’t buy them because I thought that they would look Martha Stewart fresh for visitors and impress them with my homemaking abilities. I didn’t buy them intending to plant to impress neighbours with gardening skills. I didn’t buy them for someone else, to impress them with my amazing compassion.

I bought flowers for myself.

I bought them because they made me happy. That was all. It wasn’t life-shattering to anyone else…but me. There are seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months that I feel that I will never be happy or ever smile again.

But then, I do. A stranger in the park will smile at me and I will smile back. The sun hits my face as I leave home and I can feel its warmth to my toes. I do my dishes and smell the fresh scent of lavender. An eagle flies close overhead, and I can hear the whoosh whoosh of his flapping wings.

Every day is a challenge and on the days that I feel I just can’t, I hope I remember…    …I can buy myself flowers.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Belinda Pyle

Belinda lives on beautiful Vancouver Island where she fills her need for nature with hiking, horses, ocean, and any furry critters she can find. She is completing her post-grad certificate in Addictions and Mental Health Counselling and looks forward to helping others as she has been helped. As a third-generation survivor of trauma, she comes from a long line of crazy but strong women who have somehow succeeded in making lives that don’t completely suck.

1. Trauma Resolution Made Easy: Really? Easy? All this hard work and emotional exhaustion is not required? Sign me up.
2. 3 Steps to Healing: Make sure to read the fine print where each step lasts 10 years. A more honest one would be “30 Years to Healing” but of course, that doesn’t really sound like a best seller.
3. Emotional Healing in Minutes: Really? In minutes? Wow, all the money I’ve wasted on therapy.
4. How to Stop An Emotional Flashback: Now this is one I actually want. No one told me I could stop them from happening. No need to ground myself anymore. Yippee.
5. Unf#ck Your Brain. Someone took their angry pills before they wrote a book. No thank you. I have enough anger to fill a library so no space for someone else’s.
6. What Happened to You?  I don’t know. That’s why I need a book. Thanks for nothing. But, it was co-written by Oprah Winfrey so it must be good?

After rejecting libraries full of books, I found two reliable sources of information: the CPTSD Foundation (including all of you wonderful people) and a trauma therapist. I learned that shopping for healing books is a bit like going to a grocery store when you’re hungry. Everything looks good and what you come home with is usually over your budget and probably not as healthy as you intended.  Here are a few tidbits I learned on my journey:

1. Check with others (right here on this site!) about their favourites.

Pretty soon, you’ll start seeing the same titles and authors come up time and again. The top authors/bloggers I hear are Pete Walker, Peter Levine and the Crappy Childhood Fairy.

2. Don’t try to eat the whole thing.

Just because you put it on your plate, doesn’t mean that you must eat all of it.  Pete Walker wrote his book on complex PTSD in such a way that you can pick through the table of contents and read where you are at the time.  I loved this and felt like I had permission to break reading rules. Now I do this with all my books.

3. It’s ok to eat dessert first.

Yup, sometimes I just go to the back of the book to decide if I want to eat the meal at all. If the message is something that resonates with me, I’ll go back for the whole meal.

4. Don’t forget to fast.

Ever waaaay overeat on Thanksgiving Day and lay on the couch hoping the glutton gods will save you before your stomach implodes? That’s your brain after too many helpings of helping. Time for a brain break. My favourite remedy is a comedy because laughing just seems to cleanse my brain-palate and leave me fresh to start again. Two comedians that never fail my funny bone are Michael McIntyre and Sarah Millican. Both are British comedians and Sarah can be a bit dirty, but in a very girly way that is downright hilarious.

Whichever books help you; I suggest you keep them around. It’s funny how one book may mean nothing to you, but one year later, it is your everything.  Happy reading and share with us what your favourite go-to books are!

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Belinda Pyle

Belinda lives on beautiful Vancouver Island where she fills her need for nature with hiking, horses, ocean, and any furry critters she can find. She is completing her post-grad certificate in Addictions and Mental Health Counselling and looks forward to helping others as she has been helped. As a third-generation survivor of trauma, she comes from a long line of crazy but strong women who have somehow succeeded in making lives that don’t completely suck.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Belinda Pyle

Belinda lives on beautiful Vancouver Island where she fills her need for nature with hiking, horses, ocean, and any furry critters she can find. She is completing her post-grad certificate in Addictions and Mental Health Counselling and looks forward to helping others as she has been helped. As a third-generation survivor of trauma, she comes from a long line of crazy but strong women who have somehow succeeded in making lives that don’t completely suck.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Belinda Pyle

Belinda lives on beautiful Vancouver Island where she fills her need for nature with hiking, horses, ocean, and any furry critters she can find. She is completing her post-grad certificate in Addictions and Mental Health Counselling and looks forward to helping others as she has been helped. As a third-generation survivor of trauma, she comes from a long line of crazy but strong women who have somehow succeeded in making lives that don’t completely suck.