One is an approach many people have never considered. And it’s likely the most powerful of all!

Like many of us, I grew up hearing, “You can do anything you put your mind to.” Those words weren’t always directed at me. However, when they were, I only heard the first part, “You can do anything.” Sounds good on paper – even seems encouraging. Of course, given my adverse environment, I wanted to try. After all, it was my mission in life to prove myself worthy of love. Often, as soon as I tried anything, those same people also said, “You can’t do that!” with a demeaning sneer or worse. Which mandate did I follow? The one with the most emotional impact. In my case, that was usually the negative one. “I can’t” eventually became my silent, background mantra.

I didn’t understand what “you can do anything you put your mind to” really meant. However, the key to the whole thing is the second part, the part I never considered. It became the fine print criteria I consistently failed to meet. Those resulting failures led to a particularly deep and abiding negative belief, “No matter what, I will fail.” Of course, due to the trauma I routinely endured, I couldn’t focus on anything worthwhile for long!

Chronic childhood adversity is a fertile breeding ground for negative beliefs. They can start early and become so ingrained we don’t realize they’re even there! Not only do they control our thinking and perspectives, but can actually change the structure of the brain itself! So how do we combat such profound, adverse influences? How can we break the cycle of negative beliefs once and for all?

Fortunately, thanks to neuroplasticity, even hard-wired conditioning can be altered even well into adulthood. There are a number of ways to help things along. Here are three that have helped me.

1. Admitting the problem is the first step. However, noticing a negative belief that has become the norm can be difficult, especially at first. It’s as much a part of our operating system as breathing or digestion. But usually, something happens that provokes a negative emotion to which a negative belief is attached. When those emotions are up, the beliefs are much easier to see. It pays to be mindful. However, it’s a common tendency to judge negative beliefs and feelings … and to avoid what we judge. If we have defined a negative belief or the emotions associated as “bad,” the psyche’s own defenses can sabotage our efforts to see the very things we need to resolve in order to be free.

So, first things first. Notice negative beliefs objectively – accepting them as is without judgment, rationalizing, or justifying. In fact, you don’t even have to call it “negative.” It’s just a belief. One of many. It exists. It may be inconvenient. It may be unpleasant. But it’s a belief like a shoe is just a shoe, even if it’s a bit too snug to wear to a dance.

I once attended an art show. Some of the work looked truly strange to me, even ugly. I was invited to see it as it is, not as I wished it to be. Look at beliefs in the same way. It’s only a belief after all. A belief, even a very negative one, is not an accurate value judgment. It may not even have any basis in fact. Very often, the adverse impact is not the belief, but our attachment (commitment) to it. After all, as they say, what we resist persists. In this case, resistance definitely perpetuates what we’d prefer to release.

So what if you didn’t take your own negative beliefs – even about yourself – personally? Or seriously? You’d release your attachment to that particular perspective, making preferable perspectives easier to identify and embrace. The moment you stop judging the belief or yourself for having that belief, you begin to heal.

2. Accept responsibility for your negative beliefs. An absolutely vital point here is that “accepting responsibility” is not the same as “taking the blame.” In fact, it’s highly unlikely that any negative belief you have is your original belief. It was most likely imposed by others, perhaps before an age before you had any filters and could discern fact from fiction. Even if you forgot where it came from, that negative belief likely didn’t start with you.

Accepting responsibility for a negative belief doesn’t imply fault. It provides accessibility and power to change it. It’s like any other issue. Let’s say your heater goes out on a cold winter day. If you refuse to accept responsibility for its condition, it can’t be fixed or replaced. And you keep shivering. Even if you don’t have the money to repair or replace it, accepting responsibility for the situation means you can still take action to adapt or improve matters. Snuggling under a cozy blanket perhaps. Cuddling with a partner. Designing and building a passive solar heater from a storm door, scrap wood, and soda cans! Accepting responsibility for a condition, even when no obvious solution is apparent, activates creativity that opens doors and produces new discoveries. There is a way!

3. Now for a radical approach to eradicating negative beliefs. The benefits are profound. Some years ago I discovered Aikido. It’s an appealing philosophy based on being friends with your opponent. Rather than fighting an “enemy,” it’s more like dancing (harmonizing) with a friend. It’s also about using the opponent’s energy to let them defeat themselves. In this context, it starts much as I did at the beginning of this article.

This world is filled with opposites. Balance, a vital factor in everything, is achieved by harmonizing opposites. As a kid, I often had to carry a heavy pail of water or food for livestock. I’d extend my empty hand straight out beside me to balance myself as I walked. If I hadn’t done this, I could have easily fallen sideways. In much the same way, if we stray too far either positive or negative, we get out of balance. The “law of opposites” (or balance) implies that if a negative belief is true, its opposite positive belief is also true. In fact, it’s essentially guaranteed true. If you believe you’re a failure, for example, even if you actually are a failure, you have succeeded at failing and thus are also a success!

Let’s start with my negative belief, “No matter what, I will fail.” That’s a pretty harsh, absolute statement. But it’s only half of the equation. By the “law of opposites,” if that’s true, the opposite is also true. “No matter what, I will succeed.” The question then becomes, how can I succeed or how have I succeeded? Like in the original example, “You can do anything you put your mind to.” At this point, it’s not a matter of cataloging all the things you didn’t do. It’s about noticing what you have, in fact, put your mind to, and noting your degree of success.

Try it now. Pick any negative belief you have. Identify it’s opposite. Look for clear examples of how that opposite is also true. This may seem strange at first but the effort is worth it. By noticing and validating the opposite, positive belief with real-life examples (not just mentally affirming the opposite), you’ve taken at least half the power away from that negative belief. It’s no longer exclusively true. Thus, it’s no longer exclusively in control and can no longer exclusively dominate your perspective or your mood. And very often, once it’s lost that much steam, and since you likely don’t want that negative belief anyway, it’s demise is ultimately assured.

J Bradley O 2020

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

J Bradley O

J. Bradley O is a writer, peer mentor, and author of the forthcoming memoir, Shimmering Shattered Self – Reclaiming Treasure from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse. He has devoted over 30 years to investigating the devastating personal impact of childhood abuse trauma. Using the uncanny perception of an empathic introvert, he identifies and reveals obscure factors critical to personal recovery. As a salvaged wood crafter, he revels in demonstrating the inherent value, purpose, and splendor of materials invalidated by status quo standards. For more insights and updates on his forthcoming book, subscribe to his blog at dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com.

dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com

In retrospect, there were warning signs, hints of things to come long before then. Panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, depression oozing from every clammy pore. Hyper-vigilance, confusion, the inability to make decisions. A growing commitment to isolation. Then, suddenly thrust back into that waking nightmare, I had to start life over from the perspective of a terrified and traumatized 8-year-old. As a child, grownups were something to fear, certainly not to trust. Sure, I still looked and talked like a middle-aged adult. Yet hidden behind these eyes was a scared and scarred and vulnerable little kid, having little clue as to how to function in an adult world. And I was surrounded by them. Yikes! That’s no way to spend a day, much less a decade. Hijacked by a C-PTSD trained brain, even simple activities became difficult, at times impossible. Still, I had to pretend as best I could. After all, it surely felt like my life and my safety depended on it.

The quest to recover, to find some semblance of peace, comfort, and functionality in a world that hardly seems real, to overcome years of adverse and multi-layered childhood trauma, has been lifelong and daunting. A confirmed and committed introvert, I’m already in the minority. As a male-bodied survivor, that circle shrinks even more. It’s common for survivors to feel like aliens in a strange world. At times, I’m sure I must be completely invisible – like a time traveler just out of phase with this reality. It’s like I don’t exist here. It’s like I don’t exist anywhere – except within the haunted maze of my own shattered psyche.

There’s no place for me here. I’ve thought that so many times. Especially in being homeless the last three and a half years, that’s the ultimate confirmation. Watching others going about their day, shopping, working, living their lives, I’m happy for them. And I marvel. How do they manage it? Such good fortune seems so out of reach. The brightness of their shiny cars and elegant clothing hurts my eyes. Then there’s the shabby crackhead ambling down the road hand in hand with his much too skinny girlfriend. Lucky them! Whatever their struggles, which must be extreme, at least they have each other. I can’t help wondering where’s the bright side for me?

“There’s always room on the other side.” I often say this to comfort myself. “If it ever gets bad enough, there’s always room on the other side.” They call that suicidal ideation. One of the many paradoxical symptoms of C-PTSD. A warning sign? Sure. In some respects. It also provides a sense of control in situations that feel mostly beyond my control, beyond hope to affect meaningful change. Numb as I sometimes am, I know I’m really in pain when I start thinking that way. Ironically, it’s also a comforting thought that keeps me plugging along, just one more day, one more try, seeking one more chance, one more clue of how to finally get it right. After all, it’d be nice to actually live, at least a little, before I leave this world.

But I’m not entirely a lost cause. Not yet. I can still write. I can still speak. I have lots of skills both intellectual and physical that I enjoy using for personal fulfillment and to help others. Maybe I’ll never function consistently enough to really make ends meet. And yet, this world is filled with possibilities. My motivation and ingenuity are still intact. I may have to design and plot my own customized course. But isn’t customized anything better? Besides, as those aspiring to recover, to self-actualize, isn’t charting our own course part of the point?

Frozen in one place – free in another. Despite any deficits, I can and often do help others connect the dots in their own recovery. When I’m wandering somewhere within the lane of my resiliency zone, I welcome such opportunities. Fellow survivors have said, “But I don’t want

to bring you down, venting all my crap.” I try to keep a straight face while smiling inside. “It’s OK,” I say, “It helps me too.”

It’s a chance to express my heart, to fulfill my purpose, to connect with someone who’s motivated to grow. What I don’t say, maybe never had the courage to say, is, “Please, you don’t understand. You give me a chance to feel like I exist: here, now, with you… if only for a little while. Let’s connect in some mutually meaningful way. I thrive on beauty. Give me a chance to see what’s cool about you. Give me a reason to exist, before I disperse once and finally and forever into the mist. After all, trauma may be hell, but hell shared is soothing solace.”

As I observe the ebb and flow of my history, I’m reminded of something I heard early in addiction recovery. “This too shall pass.” And that reminds me of something I realized back then. “How it looks isn’t always how it is.” In fact, I’d say that nothing is only how it seems at first, especially the negative. It’s only one perspective. One of countless others, not all of which are so dire.

We may feel stuck in adverse circumstances. Daunting though it can sometimes be, one thing we can change is our perspective. There are other options. Always. Especially when depressed and despairing, we need to remember this. When we’re feeling OK, it helps to make a list of positive options as a reminder to refer to when times are hard.

We can choose another perspective. It’s not about getting the “right” perspective. If in a negative rut, anything different is potentially progress. Start with the opposite. While never a fan of conflict, it sometimes pays to argue with ourselves! “I’m worthless!” “Bullshit! I’m worthwhile!” Or challenge the negative belief with a question. “I’ll never get over this!” “Are you sure about that?” Despite any black hole we may be facing, there really is a bright spot somewhere. To challenge negative beliefs is to pull back the veil, if just a little, to see ways beyond them. It helps to remember this. Otherwise, it’s far too easy to default to negative perspectives and bury ourselves in the muck of them.

Maybe you need to be seen, heard, validated for the amazing being you are. So, for your sake and mine, I’ll ask you what I silently wonder about everyone. What’s cool about you? If you read this, you obviously have something going for you. What is that: motivation, determination? What makes your heart glow – even just a little? What’s the opposite of some nagging negative belief that won’t seem to go away?

Or, as inspired by one of my favorite songs, Hands, by Jewel, “If you could tell the world just one thing, what would you say?” After all, I’m betting that someone somewhere in your world, in our world, needs to hear it.

J. Bradley O ©06062020

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

J Bradley O

J. Bradley O is a writer, peer mentor, and author of the forthcoming memoir, Shimmering Shattered Self – Reclaiming Treasure from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse. He has devoted over 30 years to investigating the devastating personal impact of childhood abuse trauma. Using the uncanny perception of an empathic introvert, he identifies and reveals obscure factors critical to personal recovery. As a salvaged wood crafter, he revels in demonstrating the inherent value, purpose, and splendor of materials invalidated by status quo standards. For more insights and updates on his forthcoming book, subscribe to his blog at dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com.

dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com

Conversely, and in notable contrast, I also feel a sense of empathetic parental pride in her accomplishments. After all, being the black sheep in my family of origin, I’m breaking the cycle of abuse too, and have some sense of the care and challenges involved.

Still basking in the glow of appreciation, my attention flits, wanders, and pauses within the catacombs and verdant acres of my mind. Once again I’m reminded of a forever haunting question. If I hadn’t been abused, who could I have become? I won’t ever know. I could again linger here, long and languishing, in this sodden, saddened place. However, what follows is a question I can actually answer. Because of the abuse, or despite it, who did I become?

With a past therapist, we discussed my higher than usual sense of empathy. This can mean becoming overstimulated by simple trips into town or visiting any crowded area or building. This is arduous on good days. But hypervigilance takes an already challenging predicament to nerve-wracking extremes. When I’m firmly in my resiliency zone, this same sensitivity helps me be more self-aware and insightfully supportive of others. As that therapist put it, “That’s your superpower!” His statement puts my trauma history in a whole new light!

In a life spent suffering, navigating, and overcoming the impact of multiple traumas, it can be really easy to notice the pain and hard to see the positive. When lamenting a loss, it’s hard to embrace the potential. Yet, seeing the positive – honestly, objectively, humbly – are crucial to recovery. Here are some key steps that help me find the good in the bad, shifting my mood from sadness and regret to one of appreciation, even optimism. Perhaps they’ll help you too.

Key 1: While this may seem counter-productive, for me it was a crucial first step. It’s OK to feel what I feel – whatever I feel. It’s understandable to resist or avoid painful emotions. They hurt! They are also how our being alerts us to inner conflict needing reconciliation. They are natural, normal, and meant to be part of the human experience just as physical pain indicates an injury. It’s the body’s way of alerting us to a need. Plus, to resist or avoid means to judge, even if unconsciously. And negative judgment is the exact opposite of helpful in healing, even if that’s the underlying intent. Self-acceptance means accepting all of the self, incorporating self-compassion, which is crucial to emotional well-being. If I can share my troubles with an understanding peer, one who can validate me and accept my feelings, I generally feel better. So compassionately “listening” to our own emotions, like sadness or regret, will help them lessen, even dissipate entirely. Certainly, a new perspective can be gained. It is a way of being present with, consoling, and reuniting those hurting parts of ourselves, providing us with what we may have desperately needed as a child, but failed to adequately receive.

Key 2: Much as I did in elaborating upon Key 1 – Redefine the meaning. I was told by someone far wiser than me, “All pain is an invitation for loving care.” The default definition may be, pain is “bad.” To define it as such, and react accordingly, is to be in opposition to oneself. However, if inner pain is defined as a loving alert that something needs attention, you automatically respond in a different, potentially far more effective way. Much as a baby with adirty diaper cries to be changed, so too do our painful emotions. Emotions arising from past trauma are the “dirty diapers” of the psyche. Yep, they stink. And anyone who’s smelled a dirty diaper knows just how stinky they can be.

Key 3: Ask yourself the question: How do I benefit (from my trauma)? Now, this can provoke extreme resistance, especially when in the middle of an emotional crisis or seriously triggered. So, it’s a question best asked only when in relative equilibrium. Even if the mind objects to the notion, it’s worth contemplating. Much like redefining pain to recognize it as helpful, it provides a way to see our experiences differently and respond accordingly. I doubt I’d be nearly as empathic had I not been traumatized into chronic hypervigilance. While the manner by which I gained this skill was really painful, the skill itself is an advantage I’d prefer to have – I have a vibrant inner life. I also may not have been as compassionate. Compassion cultivated from past trauma puts me in a better position to support myself emotionally and be of service to others. It’s not what happened to us but how we respond that matters. This is an opportunity to exercise empowerment.

Key 4: Remind yourself – “I have a choice.” One of my favorite insights ever – we can’t change what happened to us but we can change how we feel about it, and how we feel about ourselves. Trauma doesn’t define us unless we accept that conditioned default. Sometimes, when inundated by emotional pain, it can seem like that’s all there is. It can seem like it will go on forever. It can seem to mean something really bad. And we can seem inadequate or unworthy because of various struggles, especially when others seem to manage similar conditions just fine. Reminding ourselves that we have a choice of perspective, even if we don’t see another choice or feel like we can embrace other options, facilitates progress. Just admitting the possibility of another, a potentially better option can help relieve the intensity of whatever we’re experiencing at the moment.

When practicing these skills, find the way that works best for you. I first did so through journaling more than proactive thinking or speaking. Of course, I was harshly discouraged from speaking as a child; they cared nothing for my perspective. So I suppose it was inevitable that I’d prefer writing, and wanting to share what I’ve learned. Today I say to survivors that I’m both sad and grateful for the circumstances that brought us together. It’s meaningful in ways not everyone can appreciate. I believe it’s also mutually advantageous.

I’d like to close with the following quotes. Though the origin of the first quote is disputed, it’s commonly attributed to Kahlil Gibran, one of my favorite mystical authors. “Out of suffering has emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” and from me, since I’ve never heard it elsewhere, “If you’re here, you’re a badass. Rock on!” Yes, indeed. Rock on!

J Bradley O 2020

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

J Bradley O

J. Bradley O is a writer, peer mentor, and author of the forthcoming memoir, Shimmering Shattered Self – Reclaiming Treasure from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse. He has devoted over 30 years to investigating the devastating personal impact of childhood abuse trauma. Using the uncanny perception of an empathic introvert, he identifies and reveals obscure factors critical to personal recovery. As a salvaged wood crafter, he revels in demonstrating the inherent value, purpose, and splendor of materials invalidated by status quo standards. For more insights and updates on his forthcoming book, subscribe to his blog at dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com.

dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com

Every year, as steady as the procession of the sun, October 1st through December 31st are my depressing months. These are the months of most active denial. These are the months I want to ignore, avoid, rush through. Whatever I’m trying to hide from, whatever I’m trying to sidestep or outrun to reach the faint hope promised by the new year, it contrasts sharply with the presumably happy times I was supposed to have.

For most of my adult life, I’ve avoided celebrating these or any other holidays. Oh, I might meet with friends. I might just as often isolate to binge watch some captivating TV series. I do make a point of eating turkey and favored trimmings on Thanksgiving. That provokes the one pleasant set of memories associated with “that time of the year.”

On that first day when the temperature drops from pleasantly comfortable to unexpectedly chilled, there’s that subtle something tainting the air. Autumn approaches. It’s a juggernaut now rushing headlong toward me. Attempts to escape are futile. During waking hours, I do my best to navigate ever more varied and unruly emotions. At night, I curl up cozy under heavy blankets and cuddle with my teddy bear or the pillow surrogate and imagine being in my safe space until I fall asleep. Sometimes even that doesn’t work.

Fortunately, matters have improved in recent years. When I take the time and energy to look, definite progress becomes evident. These days I feel more nostalgic than morbidly miserable. Despite the shortening days and increasing frequency of cold, overcast skies, the depression others have erroneously blamed on Seasonal Affective Disorder isn’t nearly as pronounced. I appreciate this. In fact, as I look, I can see that much has improved. Apparently, at some point during the past year, I resolved some things, most likely through EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) or EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Journaling, therapy, and corresponding with peers have also helped relieve more of this dark and buried burden I’ve carried throughout my life. I’ve been able to allow myself new opportunities, explore new options, to make new connections with a larger world.

I still don’t care to celebrate any holiday. I probably won’t ever practice status quo traditions. I don’t want to. I don’t have to either. I’ve given myself permission to decline such invitations, tactfully of course, but sometimes rudely, if circumstances warrant. At least I can enter stores inundated with Christmas music without lapsing into suicidal ideation.

That’s a big deal; a profoundly rewarding achievement. Now, instead of being lost and trapped for months in an oppressive gray fog, I can notice and contemplate evidence of progress. That inspires a spontaneous smile of gratitude more enlivening than the warmest holiday cheer.

I can choose to spend quality time with one or a few people that I actually want to visit, sharing moments that are actually meaningful – to us all. I can share time with people who, like me, consider sincere smiles and gentle hugs more than enough of a gift, and far preferable to any material trinket. These are my true friends – people who know what it’s like to survive hell.

People who strive to progress despite even seemingly insurmountable obstacles, sometimes one day, one moment, one step at a time. People who discover and express their strengths despite their traumas and often because of them. People who care about others with a rare depth of empathy and compassion. People who can see me, and who I can see, with easy understanding and acceptance. People who I know deep down inside are safe to be with, to share with, to just sit quietly with. With a glance and a grin, we know: we survived the fury; we have nothing to prove to each other.

None are my family of origin. Yet, these people are my true family. They are the heavenly contrast to the hell of my childhood. What I couldn’t choose then I can choose now. That choice is not only another reason to smile, it’s a gift I give myself every time I choose anything that truly honors me and those I care about.

And this choice, this ability to choose, makes “that time of the year” a little lighter, a little brighter, each and every time it rolls around.

J Bradley O 2020

J Bradley O

J. Bradley O is a writer, peer mentor, and author of the forthcoming memoir, Shimmering Shattered Self – Reclaiming Treasure from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse. He has devoted over 30 years to investigating the devastating personal impact of childhood abuse trauma. Using the uncanny perception of an empathic introvert, he identifies and reveals obscure factors critical to personal recovery. As a salvaged wood crafter, he revels in demonstrating the inherent value, purpose, and splendor of materials invalidated by status quo standards. For more insights and updates on his forthcoming book, subscribe to his blog at dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com.

dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com

As the sun rises here on the porch of the homeless shelter, the house’s cat ambles up beside me. I scratch and caress her head. Her silky black fur seems too soft for a cat. She purrs and nuzzles my hand. She also wants to be fed. If we traded places, would she, like those who raised me, just feed and ignore me too?

I grew up envious of the family dog. Whether gobbling table scraps or kibble from his dented old aluminum bowl in the back yard, he always got a kind word. Picking white clover under the mimosa tree that I was still too young to climb, I silently envied that dog.

As humans, do we offer others what we think is important? Or what they truly need? Is it a matter of sharing whatever we have? Or is it just the extra – stuff we no longer want? Is the action one of moral duty, ego gratification, or genuine compassion?

They say, “Home is where the heart is.” That’s meant to imply the place one loves to be. But the heart is in the chest. So, couldn’t home also be wherever we stand? Maybe like the turtle, we take our home with us wherever we go. They also say, “Bloom where you’re planted.” Hmm. Like a seed, a child has no choice in this. Left to fend for themselves, a palm tree won’t fare well in Antarctica nor an apple tree flourishes in the desert.

For many survivors, our customary environment can feel just as out of place in a hostile environment. It’s worthwhile to do what we can to make the best of current circumstances. And yet, it’s also prudent to realize that the best we can make of some circumstances is to get out. Avoidance isn’t the only option, but is “bloom where you’re planted” really suggesting that a child is expected to successfully manage abusive conditions; that victims of domestic violence make the best of a chronically dangerous situation; or that someone suffering sexual harassment at work must strive to thrive regardless? I think not!

In many cases, those pat and petty and sadly all too popular platitudes clearly don’t account for conditions as they actually are. While possibly speaking to external conditions, they don’t address relevant internal factors – factors far more fundamental, and far more influential. In fact, platitudes can be a slap in the face to those struggling with the chronic quandaries of C-PTSD and other trauma-induced conditions.

A great many seemingly simple matters aren’t nearly as simple as they seem on the surface. A “simple” trip to the grocery store can be an obstacle course fraught with peril. A “simple” dinner and movie date can be a logistical nightmare with so many triggering variables one cannot possibly account for them all.

When did platitudes become proclamations? Like, “Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps.” Doesn’t anyone notice that it’s physically impossible? That is unless one has developed the slightly more plausible ability to clone oneself or learned to levitate. When someone is already struggling, casually, or condescendingly advising the impossible as if it were a simple matter of wit or will, does not promote improvement. Rather, it fosters despair, hopelessness, and resentment. And the incongruence can be downright crazy-making!

If slogging in the sludge of chronic depression, whether the sun will come out tomorrow or not, is hardly of consequence. That dark cloud with its shiny silver lining offers no luster while pounding me with hail. Platitudes proponents basically deny the fact that I’m knee-deep in quicksand and sinking fast while excusing their lack of understanding and compassionate participation.

“Where there’s a will there’s a way” is irrelevant unless there’s someone named Will with strong arms and a long rope standing nearby. Are they suggesting that liberation from imminent threat is a simple matter of getting my panic-stricken attention to concentrate harder? If only that were possible. Of course, if it were possible, I’d be free long before such platitudes could even be uttered. For that matter, I might not have gotten stuck in the first place!

There are people who lack the mental agility to put themselves in another person’s shoes. But empathy is an action of the heart. It would seem that in recent years empathy is lacking in the world in ever greater degrees. Is “all about me” culture of egocentricity truly the product and priority of the day? It’s a recipe for societal dis-ease and destruction. After all, practically everyone needs help on occasion. In one way or another, practically everyone can also share help on occasion. Mutuality matters, nurturing and fulfilling us in ways nothing else can.

For those aspiring to be the self-made man or independent woman – none of whom really are that – always going it alone is a sure path to self-imposed isolation, suffering, and eventual regret. Ego-gratification is like candy and soft drinks. They may taste good but lack vital nutrients for long-term fulfillment.

Compassionate purpose, meaningful action, and cooperative fulfillment are the nutrient-rich diet of the heart. They are the means by which the whole world may truly flourish.

by J. Bradley O. 2020

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

J Bradley O

J. Bradley O is a writer, peer mentor, and author of the forthcoming memoir, Shimmering Shattered Self – Reclaiming Treasure from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse. He has devoted over 30 years to investigating the devastating personal impact of childhood abuse trauma. Using the uncanny perception of an empathic introvert, he identifies and reveals obscure factors critical to personal recovery. As a salvaged wood crafter, he revels in demonstrating the inherent value, purpose, and splendor of materials invalidated by status quo standards. For more insights and updates on his forthcoming book, subscribe to his blog at dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com.

dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com

A therapist might say I struggle with dysregulation. In fact, I found a great YouTube video from The Crappy Childhood Fairy that explains it quite well.  I know there’s more to the story. There’s probably much more to the story than I now know. In fact, it would seem a far more accurate explanation comes from another of our favorite, most admirably self-aware YouTubers, The Rings System.

Whether dysregulation or dissociation, it can be hard to stay on one track. This psyche is more like a collection of various sized spheres. Some microscopic. Some like beach balls. Some filled with courage and commitment and motivation. Some are quivering masses of fear or frustration or morbid depression. Some contain memories that aren’t half bad. Some are saturated with the stuff of vivid lived nightmares. None seem stable. Especially when agitated, they more or less fly around like ping pong balls in a lottery machine.

No matter which ball is in the slot, it may be displaced at any time. It’s rather difficult to plan or rely on anything when I may not be the same me this afternoon, tomorrow, certainly not next week. Unlike most people I know, the me that likes wood-crafting and the me that writes aren’t interchangeable. The writer me trying to build a desk would be a time-consuming exercise in frustration. The woodworker me, can build a desk a dozen different ways in imagination before settling on a final design. Quite a time saver. And yet is hard-pressed to even pen a materials list.

It would seem I/we are on a collective quest to comprehend the nature of this psyche and the world in which we find ourselves. Those are my words for it. I know, however, that others just want to hideaway.

The possibility of exposure is quite frightening to them. Others, given the chance, feel free to fly forth into realms of exquisite potential, yet restrain themselves at least to some extent in deference and defense of our less adventurous others. Some of us love to socialize, are quite animated, playful, and outgoing – in our context at least. Others don’t talk, perhaps don’t even know how to have a conversation.

An actual three year old in a group of adults is one thing. A three-year-old in an adult body trying to act like an adult among others is quite another. None of us, apparently, claim ownership of the core. None assume it’s our rightful place. Like a solar system without a sun, there is no radiant center to organize our orbits. There’s no ruler on the throne. Collective and cooperative organized leadership would seem the most practical solution. How does one organize such a diverse collective, especially if some don’t know they’re part of it?

So, those of us who can each take our turns, sometimes deliberately, often quite randomly and unexpectedly. Each expresses according to our individual nature and inclination for a time until eclipsed by our replacement. We endeavor to be patient, understanding and accepting of the process. However, the world doesn’t really have much of a place for such as we.

So, we aspire to create our own world within the world – one that accommodates fulfilling self-expression, the pursuit of meaning and purpose, and contributes something of service to others. Perhaps one day, if luck and longing prevail, we will have a circle of kindred and a real home, a place of our own, a center from which to thrive.

J. Bradley O © 2020

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

J Bradley O

J. Bradley O is a writer, peer mentor, and author of the forthcoming memoir, Shimmering Shattered Self – Reclaiming Treasure from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse. He has devoted over 30 years to investigating the devastating personal impact of childhood abuse trauma. Using the uncanny perception of an empathic introvert, he identifies and reveals obscure factors critical to personal recovery. As a salvaged wood crafter, he revels in demonstrating the inherent value, purpose, and splendor of materials invalidated by status quo standards. For more insights and updates on his forthcoming book, subscribe to his blog at dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com.

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Many nights I toss and turn until I can’t stand it anymore. I lay wondering what past trauma or current conflict is contributing to my sleeplessness until my mind just goes blank. In the early years of recovery, it seemed every waking moment was devoted to objectively identifying inner conflicts and the root cause of so much relentless distress.

Being raised by constantly critical “parents” who reveled in pointing out my flaws, and wanting to free myself from inner pain, I became fairly proficient at identifying and eventually resolving issues. An example of turning adverse conditioning into a tool for progress, it’s a useful approach – a way of reclaiming my power.

Now, as the birds chirp rather loudly over the drone of air conditioners in the foggy dark before dawn, it occurs to me that somehow that obsessive need to find fault, even from a purely objective perspective, is holding me back. I notice anomalies and pathologize them. What if, some hidden self whispers, all that tossing, and turning isn’t actually an issue? What if it’s not some buried anxiety churning? What if it’s not some harsh self-judgment working its way to the surface?

What if, in fact, it’s a longing to express some creative urge? Some impetus to progress? What if I just need to get up and DO something productive and meaningful? What if this unrest is evidence of growth, a turning point, rather than evidence of dysfunction? Well there’s a novel notion!

After all, I did and do automatically and unfairly compare myself to the status quo, to see how and whether and to what degree I match or measure up. But if recovery has taught me anything, if my own self-observations bear anything out, it’s that I don’t naturally resonate with certain conventions of the status quo. My brain rotates around a different sun. I mean, I routinely awaken well before the sun, like 4 am this morning. What rule says I must sleep from 10 pm to 6 am? What if that’s not how I’m wired? Attempting to force me into yet another mold I don’t naturally fit only creates additional angst. So maybe the real issue, since I seem so determined to identify one, is trying to force myself to accommodate some status quo convention or outside expectation. In a quest for authenticity, I really must object!

This, to me, is something of a revelation! I suspect a great many people if allowed to be themselves, would deviate from the status quo in various ways. Not in negative, detrimental ways, not in ways harmful to self or others, but just different. I don’t just mean green hair or body piercings either. There’s something to be said for allowing that difference. After all, innovations are the result of some deviation from the norm. Automobiles don’t have wagon wheels, after all. Status quo norms are generally accepted practices, not absolutely how things have to be. Conformity to the norm may well be an underlying cause of otherwise unnecessary personal conflict. Why not eat cereal with fruit juice rather than milk, even almond milk? Just because that’s not portrayed in TV programs or in the homes of family and friends doesn’t make it wrong or weird or inappropriate. Maybe not sleeping more than 6 hours per night or more than a couple of hours at a time is no different. If that’s not natural to me, why force myself to be otherwise? Or worse, why pathologize it? Why must I automatically assume something different from the norm is inherently wrong? Hmm.

I’m reminded of one of my all-time favorite quotes. “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted in a profoundly sick society.” – J. Krishnamurti. Having suffered from serious dysfunction imposed upon me, and enduring the long-term, adverse consequences firsthand, I want no part of it. So if that means doing something as simple as getting up when I feel like it, I will. If that means actively seeking the beneficial purpose of my “quirks” rather than defining them as wrong, I will. If that means embracing my neuro-atypical “uniqueness” as potentially a gift to myself and the world, I will.

Today, though painful, confusing, and extremely inconvenient, I can’t say that abuse trauma is only an impediment. In fact, it maybe a significant factor ensuring that I become who I was born to be. After all, lifelong self-doubt ensures that I question automatic assumptions. Built-in distrust demands a deeper search for truth. That same brain wiring used for hypervigilance can also be used to notice diverse correlations that lead to a greater and far more certain understanding.

Gosh, I’m really glad I got up for this. Instead of fuming in frustration in a futile attempt to sleep, I’m smiling … with the birds sweetly chirping over the gentle hum of air conditioners in the cool gray dawn.

by J. Bradley O

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

J Bradley O

J. Bradley O is a writer, peer mentor, and author of the forthcoming memoir, Shimmering Shattered Self – Reclaiming Treasure from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse. He has devoted over 30 years to investigating the devastating personal impact of childhood abuse trauma. Using the uncanny perception of an empathic introvert, he identifies and reveals obscure factors critical to personal recovery. As a salvaged wood crafter, he revels in demonstrating the inherent value, purpose, and splendor of materials invalidated by status quo standards. For more insights and updates on his forthcoming book, subscribe to his blog at dancinginthemaze.wordpress.com.

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