The movie was about the relationship between a mother (Sarah Paulson) and her daughter (Keira Allen) who is a wheelchair user. So many times I have seen movies that depict the life of a person with a disability, who is a wheelchair user, which often ends with some sort of medical miracle where they are standing or walking by the end, or have movie magic that eludes to what might be happening, but it isn’t ever shown. Within minutes of the movie starting, I knew Kiera had a disability and used a wheelchair by the way she moved about. I move my body in a very similar way doing the same things as I am also paralyzed and a wheelchair user. At several points, there was a degree of movie magic but it wasn’t done in a way that was trying to hide the disability shamefully. Later, the roles reverse somewhat, and there is a hospital scene with Sarah in a wheelchair. It’s here you can see that with some practice it is relatively easy for a non-disabled actor to play the role of a wheelchair user, making it look realistic. Just when I thought the opening was the best thing ever it got even better! It had me holding my breath waiting to see what was going to happen next and in shock over what did.

There are many things depicted in the movie that I am not physically able to do and never have or would be able to do, yet many experiences are similar to mine. The relationship between the mother (Diane) and daughter (Chloe), plus the interactions with members of the community were very close to my lived experiences. The movie highlights such an important topic that is rarely spoken about among members of the disability community or society as if it’s taboo. It is something that needs to be highlighted and awareness raised because such things do happen more often than is recognized or believed. I loved the movie and think it was an epic choice to call a movie with the main character being a wheelchair user “RUN”. I highly recommend taking the time to see it, especially if you are involved in the lives of someone with a disability.

Photo by Jakub Pabis on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/

This article discusses suicide and suicidal ideation and may not be suitable for all audiences.

Originally Published via Powerfully Pwerless https://powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/2023/09/06/we-need-to-talk-about-the-intersectionality-between-disability-suicide/

For as long as I can remember I have dealt with suicidal ideation and have had several attempts at taking my own life. Most of the attempts I never realized were suicidal ideation because they took place when I was a toddler, preteen, as well as a teenager so I felt it couldn’t be that because I was so young, as if age has something to do with it. As I am an individual who lives with a disability I was born with, and the way society views that, plus the way the disability community views suicide it becomes a difficult subject to talk about.

When society deems suicide acceptable to consider, painting a narrative of a life not worth living because of a disability, and the community in which you belong demonizes assisted suicide, or fails to acknowledge that people with disabilities contemplate suicide, and fails to see this as blaming and shaming, there is a no-win situation created. Our community, and society in general, forget that there is a reality where people attempt to end their lives and the result is not death but permanent physical, sometimes cognitive, disability, and while people may not be physically able to independently play out the actions required, they can and do struggle with suicide, whether or not it is due to society seeing them as disposable or any other reason similar to anyone that isn’t disabled.

When you have any form of disability that requires adaptation or accommodations in order for you to actively take part in life, unfortunately, you are often met with hesitancy, reluctance, or plain unwillingness and rejection in all areas of life, including when seeking support as individuals dealing with these things

Also, unfair but true, is the reality that those who became disabled, mainly through accidental means or sickness, compared to those who have always been, can be treated very differently, seeming to be preferred. No matter what the reasons, and how justified they may be, there still remains the issue of a lack of support for those with disabilities in comparison to other groups in society. With the views that are held within the disability community around suicide, even though my disability wasn’t obtained through any attempt on my life, I can certainly relate to and empathize with the experience of becoming disabled as a result of an attempt and suddenly belonging to a community where I may not be welcomed, but feel blamed and shamed for the reasoning behind my disability. No matter who we are we all need to do better with this. Even though disability does, without a doubt, add more complexity, attempting to prevent suicide through blaming and shaming isn’t an okay way to go about it. Clearly, we can see that…Can’t we?

Far too often, in the name of prevention, we talk about the impact of such actions on those left behind. While indeed the people who have lost loved ones, through completing suicide, need and deserve support it is an entirely different experience from suicide itself. Suicide is not something one is capable of understanding unless one has been through it. To feel that suicide needs only to be prevented because of the impact it has on those left behind when it is seen as over for the life that’s been lost is truly selfish and disgusting. Okay, so depending on your belief system, death marks an end or something that is over, and of course, death doesn’t mean that one is forgotten or never thought about again. In fact, the opposite of the latter piece is very much untrue, regardless of how someone dies they can be, and are, memorialized in some way. Yet, I must ask what about those who have attempted suicide where the end was supposed to be death but turned out to be severe unending damage that forever changes a person? Are they any less deserving of support than those who have lost loved ones because you see them as doing something horribly wrong that hurts other people?

In this set of circumstances, the outcome mentioned above was not as intended. The way the individual may view this can be in two vastly different ways. Some may live through it coming out the other end feeling a renewed sense of living, dually feeling that the life ahead of them may be worse than what caused them to feel ending their life was the only option, others may feel a renewed sense for living, become advocates in suicide prevention, sharing their story as a means to do so, yet some will feel that whatever it was that caused them to feel like ending their life was the only option that the life they once knew, in comparison to their current reality, wasn’t as bad as they thought, given their current situation. While none of these reactions or responses to their personal situations are wrong and certainly not something to cause them to be shamed or blamed, in certain contexts they are harmful and problematic.

Unlike someone who has obtained their disability through attempted suicide, I am an individual with a disability that I’ve lived with my entire life. Because it is all I’ve ever known, it is not something I hold strong enough feelings toward to the point where, in and of itself, it’s the reason for my attempts. That said, that doesn’t mean there are never moments or aspects of my life relating to my disability that are not the cause of them in an indirect way. But, just because I’m disabled doesn’t mean that the reasons for my thinking the only way to end it are any different from anyone else. Even when there is an assumed or obvious similarity in something, that does not mean that it’s the same. Judgment in the name of prevention is harmful, but the impact of such things is only experienced and felt by the ones being judged, not those doing the judging. While we are out here navigating, in public and online spaces, in our attempts to advocate for prevention, can we please do so with a little awareness, compassion, empathy, and understanding of the complexities involved? Awareness and prevention slogans and campaigns with undertones of blame and shame toward the many who are still here, but nonetheless deal or have dealt with suicide on some level, are damaging. We need to start by asking why people come to these conclusions and feel like ending their lives seeing it as their only opinion because the reality, for many with disabilities in particular, is that it’s an enticing option due to the lack of support and resources and the specific barriers to society and accessing many aspects of life we face. Instead of seeing our lives as invalid and disposable, too complex and complicated, not your problem, or as something that doesn’t apply to you, or that part of the population makes up such a small portion of a larger one, you need to ask yourself the following things, what can you do to learn about, advocate for, change about yourself, and the environments that you work and exist in so that not only disabled but all people no longer have to draw the conclusion that the only way out is to end themselves. I’m sorry, but many aspects of the current forms of prevention and awareness merely aim to continue life, are about targeting and choosing who may or may not have a worthy or valuable quality of life, not putting an end to anything that leads people to suicide.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/

“A half-truth is even more dangerous than a lie. A lie, you can detect at some stage, but half a truth is sure to mislead you”.

I am infuriated with the pure ignorance of people, their unwillingness to learn or realize what they are believing and claim to know about disability, as non-disabled people are narratives created by those, like themselves, who are not in any way disabled. Without interacting with the community of disabled people directly and without acknowledging or realizing you are on the outside edges of it as professionals, caregivers, other support people, teachers, parents, siblings, extended family, and other community members, the only purpose you are serving is to harm! This may not be the intention or done as a way cause to harm disabled people, but that does not change the reality that it is harmful. To quote Anurag Shourie, who does work in the medical field, from his book Half A Shadow comes “A half-truth is even more dangerous than a lie. A lie, you can detect at some stage, but half a truth is sure to mislead you”.

Over the last several years during the pandemic, many messages and narratives have come from it as a way or means of protecting or supporting disabled people, but are truly harmful, even damaging. I was left feeling extremely fearful of non-disabled people. But equally as fearful of being present in and taking up space within the community where I belong. I understand that it is a hard concept for people to grasp when disabled people state that we are the largest marginalized minority and how that might be painful for other marginalized minorities. How difficult is it to realize that when you add a disability to something it makes things different in comparison to the abled experience? It is a double form of being a minority and marginalized when there is another aspect of the individual that belongs to another marginalized and/or minority group. It doesn’t matter how much you don’t understand it the reality doesn’t change! If you really think about it within schools, grocery stores, churches, other places of worship, in movies, and on television, as non-disabled people, you know you don’t see as many people with disabilities as you do abled people. Plus, there is the reality that this is based on aspects of disability that are visible, and you aren’t counting people with invisible disabilities, even accepting them more so as part of your population than you do people with disabilities that have visible aspects to them!

Living in a world where everyone has been thrown online as a result of the pandemic has been one of the most difficult challenges

Living in a world where everyone has been thrown online as a result of the pandemic has been one of the most difficult challenges I have ever faced. Instead of abled people embracing the opportunity they had to engage and learn from disabled individuals, many clung to their beliefs about disability that a society that doesn’t, and frankly doesn’t want to, include us create. They may have unknowingly followed or been followed by an individual with a disability who shares similar thoughts, opinions, and perspectives to their own while completely ignoring the reality that it is due to the fact that, regardless of a disability, we are all still humans and as humans, we are all different. Without this realization, when fighting for social justice and human rights issues people indirectly caused harm and pain to disabled people by not considering or discussing aspects of disability with the larger contexts of human rights and social justice. In turn, this created further separation and othering of disabled individuals from all other people. Every time a new hashtag came up for a minority and marginalized group right behind it came one that was specific to and created by those with disabilities. Disabled people doing this resulted in attacks by abled individuals as if disabled people were minimizing their efforts when disabled people, and the specifics in relation to themselves, were being ignored. Occasionally, some things that disabled people were saying online were noticed by abled people. Instead of being looked into and studied these things were being twisted to fit a narrative that they created to align with what society has always taught them about disability.

Advocacy online is an accessible and important way for disabled people to connect. Social media spaces make our voices louder about issues that concern and impact us, whether or not they are the same ones that impact everyone else or are specific to ourselves due to our disabilities. It’s always been done and isn’t anything new for those of us with disabilities. That is not the same reality that is experienced by those who are not disabled, who were thrust into doing advocacy and other work online as a result of the pandemic. One truth remains unchanged, and that is living in a disabled body in a world not designed for you, regardless of the color of one’s skin or any other factor, is a challenge. A challenge that is not faced or experienced by those who are not disabled. The U.S. is known for being a melting pot of people, cultures, spiritual and religious backgrounds, self-expression, and identities. In and of itself, the disability community is that same melting pot but expands beyond the U.S.. We fight for what is right and just, and all have varying views on what is right or just based on many different factors. Just like any other human, disabled people also forget that because of such borders, all things don’t work the same for all disabled people. The one thing we don’t do is stop the fight because it’s outside of our borders. The U.S. is such a powerful country that disabled people can’t afford to step back waiting to see how it plays out because we are painfully aware that any injustice toward disabled people that is normalized or accepted in the U.S. is soon likely to be adopted by the countries we live in.

Over the last several years, mainstream media has torn apart and made stories out of disability-related hashtags. In the process, mainstream media have taken it as far as to tear many disabled people to shreds by attacking their personal social media accounts, where these people are choosing to share their lived experiences to educate and support others like themselves. Its been a long, and continued fight for disabled people, in the area of representation and inclusion, in the media. Many have gotten to the point where they feel any representation is better than none at all. Some have chosen to fight for the inclusion of disabled people to be represented in a way that doesn’t center around their disability. Others choose to highlight the issues of tokenism and inaccurate representations of disability in media. All of those aspects of the same thing are very valid! A problem arises when non-disabled people insert themselves, especially when they are public figures, who fail to realize they are misinformed. They fail to realize that they are not getting the full picture of a situation when they pull something said by a disabled person or group online. It becomes an even bigger issue when choosing to speak on or challenge it, or people who they feel they have an influence on.

Last night a YouTuber with a disability, who I frequently watch and enjoy, uploaded a response video to another video they had seen of a non-disabled person totally degrading disabled people. To make it all go better the individual who was doing this is also part of a minority group that often faces oppression and discrimination. It was evident to me that what the person was trying to do was highlight tokenism but it was clear that as a non-disabled individual, they didn’t understand what tokenism even was. It was also evident from a few choice words that she decided to spew out of her mouth that she, like many abled individuals, has no time for or interest in seeing disabled people alongside non-disabled people participating in the same way as their peers. She very clearly sent a message that disabled people should be hidden and only belong in certain spaces. Evidently, she has seen, an ad campaign somewhere of a person in a wheelchair modeling an underwear and bra set, for a website that sells such items. This image repulsed her and she felt that she shouldn’t have seen it. She then continued to try and prove her point that it wasn’t representation claiming that representation shouldn’t be that important. Clearly, any disabled person listening to her knows that she doesn’t see disabled people as attractive and sexual beings but merely sees their need for a bra and panties the same as anyone else’s.

PSA: Trying to do good for the disabled community as a non-disabled person can do more harm than it does good to the community as a whole! Please understand that many mainstream narratives were never developed by individuals with disabilities and many of us have to fight them regularly.

While nobody with a disability can or should be denying the reality that tokenism is a problem and does exist this individual’s whole point derailed because the items that were being modeled by an individual in a wheelchair were adaptive clothing meant for those with disabilities. To make it all go better they were on a website that mainly had models who were of the same minority group as this person.

NEWSFLASH: DISABLED PEOPLE COME IN ALL SHAPES, SIZES, SKIN TONES, GENDER IDENTITIES & EXPRESSIONS, AND BELIEF SYSTEMS AS NON-DISABLED PEOPLE DO.

While the YouTuber who put out the response video suggested that people look into the content that her response was in reference to after seeing the clips that I did I had no desire to give this individual views and thus support for what she put into the world. What I did want to do was check out the clothing line and the website that was mentioned. I searched Google for the line and the brand and saw the exact same ad that was featured in the segment piece. Upon clicking on it I was directed to the website and was pleased to see that in comparison to the pricing of the other items these were at a reduced price. Rather than returning to Google to find the rest of the items, as anyone would, I went to the search menu to see if there was a section for the adaptive items, and there wasn’t which at first made me feel good as it came across as being inclusive. I was saddened to discover that not only was there not a section in the main menu for the adaptive collection, but the clothing items intended for those with disabilities were not included in the sections where similar items appeared. That is indeed an example of tokenism. Tokenism isn’t something that is an obvious form of oppression or discrimination from the perspective of a non-disabled person. Overall the site didn’t appear to be accessible. Without the direct website links to the adaptive wear, it’s not likely to be found by people who would be looking for it. Many people would conclude from my previous statement this person was indeed correct and in fact RIGHT, in her viewpoint. Unfortunately, because of several statements, she made she proved herself to be ableist and dared to push back against it when disabled people brought this to her attention.

I’ve long seen the issue coming where non-disabled people would end up attacking disabled people from sheer ignorance of not understanding disability. I refuse to accept the way non-disabled go about seeing those with a disability the same as them because they are the same color, religion, physical location, share an aspect of themselves not specific to disability, or any other factor they choose to see as making us the same. That mindset can only serve to harm us through spreading misinformation, neglect, and even abuse. I’ve said something more than a few times over the last few years, but I see the need to say it again. Being disabled is a completely different lived experience from being able-bodied. None of the external factors people like to use to counteract that will ever change it. If you are someone with a desire to truly support and advocate for disabled people, whether or not you are disabled or abled, it is important for you to educate yourself on issues that are specific to disabled people and to realize that a lot of things only apply to certain parts of, or disabled people, and don’t to non-disabled people.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/

One particular image from a family album that I will have forever burned in my mind is of my grandfather when he visited Ireland and kissed the Blarney Stone. I’m not sure I understand the concept completely, but to visit there seems like a rite of passage as it is a location that is highly regarded and somewhat sacred that people go to kiss the stone. In the picture my grandfather is laying with his back to the ground, the upper half of his body leaned into a hole where he then leans up over a rock wall to kiss the stone. Disability aside, that seems like an awful lot of work and a very awkward position to get into just to kiss a rock! Nonetheless, it is something that I clearly wouldn’t be able to accomplish which makes me feel a little less Irish because of my inability to do so.

Growing up I was a member of the local girl guide troop. During one of the meetings, as part of some badge work, we invited a teacher who taught our group about the traditional dances from our province and how to actually do a few of them. It is really challenging to include someone in a wheelchair in a dance that involves a lot of movement within a space when that space is very small, and there are many twists, turns, and fancy footwork. In such situations, I preferred to sit on the sidelines watching, but there never seemed to be a polite way to say it. Being involved, while people awkwardly tried to include me, was extremely uncomfortable.

Those with disabilities are part of the largest minority and marginalized group in society. We are typically born to parents and exist within families where there are no other disabled people or disabled people with the same type of disability. Genetically and generationally, by all accounts, I am of Irish descent, but with traditions that are highly valued being inaccessible, plus the reality that I am one of two members in my family with a disability holding Irish as a part of my identity is not something I feel deeply rooted in, or connected to. Something less acknowledged and often undermined, not being seen as something that is real, is that a disability community exists. Many of us feel the same way toward it as we might toward our generational and genetic heritage. A few of us, like myself, might feel more deeply connected to the disability community and culture than we do our genetic and generational heritage. I think it’s a difficult concept for people to grasp because they often view disability through the medical model which sees it as a condition. The only parts of the community that they get to see are connected to rights and justice, which they don’t consider part of their history, identity, or heritage. This creates questions of legitimacy resulting in not seeing the value and importance, or realness of it. Unfortunately, this results in a lot of attacks based on fear and not understanding, which comes with a whole other set of challenges for the community.

For myself, even though the disability community is advocacy based, mainly existing because of the importance of fighting for the rights and justice of disabled people, it is a far more comfortable community to belong to as within it we aren’t the only ones. It’s a place where we are valued and accepted. As much as I might enjoy many things that belong to my Irish heritage it is more challenging for me and awkward to be part of and identify with. The disability community is equally as rich in culture and history as any other community. I once heard it said by a fellow member of the community, Stacy Park, that our ancestors are the members of the community that came before us. As disabled people, many of us honor and value it, even though it means looking into the past and seeing the horrible things that have happened to people that came before us. Looking at it that way does it really seem any different than any other group of people with any heritage?

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/

You still don’t see me, not really.
You know I exist.
Yet, I am never fully visible.

You are glad I am not your problem to deal with.
You are glad you don’t have to deal with all that is involved with someone like me.
You run to hold that door when you are not within close range.
You go out of your way to smile asking me how my day is.
You are quick to comfort me.
You think you safely assume I don’t understand the world around me so you can speak whatever under your breath and I won’t notice

Why?

To you, I am a burden.
To you, I am too much to deal with.
To you, I am weak and unable, the one you must help, guide, correct.
To you, my life is one of struggle and suffering.
To you, you see a life that could never possibly be happy or worth living.
To you, I am a drain on the system.
To you, I am less.
I am not human.
A useless piece of junk that you turn away from.
You wish I would hide so you don’t have to face me.
This is your world.
How dare I disrupt it.

Do you even pause to consider me?
Nope.
Forget being asked how I may feel or what I may think.
It’s much easier to just control the situation.
It’s much easier if you tell me what to think, how to feel, and to anticipate what my wants and needs are.

Dare I try to speak? Hell No.
I must let you rescue and protect me.
You know better.
You know what’s best.
You know what’s right.
You are ABLE.

I belong to an exclusive club that all may become a part of. The club welcomes all no matter what.
This exclusive club is different than any other club. This club is one that once you belong there is no way out. In this club, we are not connected by color, identity or orientation, shared thoughts, or beliefs whether or not we are spiritual or religious. The connection shared here is the one thing that forever makes us different from the rest of the world and the one thing we have in common.

We roam among you having you insisting on providing hidden spaces just for us. You talk about accepting differences, representation, and being inclusive of ALL. It’s obvious you truly don’t know what that means. When you talk about inclusion you are talking about including those that are like yourself. You want to include the able people and still disregard me.

I am white. Just like you.
I am black. Just like you.
I am a Christian. Just like you.
I am, Non-Christian. Just like you.
I am trans. Just like you.
I am gay. Just like you.
I am a lesbian. Just like you.
I am pro-life. Just like you.
I am pro-choice. Just like you.
I am Italian. Just like you.
I am French. Just like you.
I am English. Just like you.
But, I am also disabled.
That changes everything.

To see a representation of myself means seeing someone in a wheelchair or scooter. To see a representation of myself means seeing someone using, crutches, a walker, a cane. I am mobility impaired.

To see a representation of myself means seeing someone with a prosthetic limb. I am an Amputee.
To see a representation of myself means seeing a guide dog user, someone being guided using a sighted guide, or seeing someone using a white cane. I am blind.
To see a representation of myself means there are visual cues. It means using sign language or technology to communicate with me. I am deaf/hard of hearing.

When a white person attempts to represent someone in the black community we question whether or not it is appropriate. When a black person wants something or someone that white people have and adapts it to themselves we call that deserving of seeing themselves. When a disabled person wants representation we label it a liability issue. What I get to see is able people “playing at” being me. None of it is right or fair and someone always ends up hurt.

Your version of inclusion is different from mine. It doesn’t include me. For me to be included:

Every space needs to be larger to accommodate moving in a wheelchair.

Doorways and hallways need to be wider.

Bathrooms and stalls need to be larger.

Things need to be on tables low enough for me to reach and high enough that my knees can fit under.

All paths must be clear of any obstacles as this traps me and I am unable to move, may get injured, or fall. I am mobility impaired and my safety is at stake.

I require things in audio format. I require a larger text that is easier to see. I require an alternate color paper to prevent glare and light sensitivity. I am blind

All materials must be captioned or provided in a text version. I require visual signals and sign language or lip reading. I am deaf.

There are so many things I need in order to be able to take part, NOT just to feel included or prevent me from feeling left out. For me, inclusion is a must. It is a NEED. It is NOT something that should be taken lightly and is something that has a long way to go. It never should be something that is mocked.

The connection and bond of disability is complex. There is always a twinge of survivor guilt when I have survived something that a fellow person with a disability has not. There is always a sense of loss and grief that comes with hearing about someone that has lost their life when they are younger, around the same age, or has a similar disability to my own. There is always a battle with anger when an injustice has been done to a fellow person with a disability.

I don’t stop to think “oh that person is black so they aren’t like me” because THEY ARE.

I don’t stop to think “oh that person as gay, trans, lesbian and I’m not so it’s different.” IT ISN’T.

I don’t stop to think “oh that person isn’t a Christian so they are evil or they are a Christian and I’m not so they don’t matter.” IT MATTERS.

I won’t mention all of these things to toot my own horn or attempt to come across as better than anyone else. I merely want to point out that I am deeply impacted by something that many have the privilege of never having to understand. For you, there has to be some level of personal connection to a situation or a person to feel an impact. I hope the pain I know is something you never have to face.

All there is left to do is sit here on Planet Alien waiting for the world to catch up to what I need to belong in order to be a part of the human race because you have made it perfectly clear and painfully obvious that you aren’t ready yet.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/

In early summer 2021, a call for participants to interview for a book project on dissociation appeared on my Facebook. The book is called Dissociation Made Simple written by Dr. Jamie Marich. As soon as I saw the call, as an individual with a physical disability, I KNEW I had to take part. Having followed the work of Jamie for years plus getting to know her as an individual, I was confident that my voice in the book would not become part of advertising simply because I was someone disabled doing something completely normal that really had nothing to do with being disabled. However, being disabled, I felt would offer a unique voice and perspective in the conversation to end the stigma around Dissociation and related disorders.

Admittedly, I’ve only had two personal encounters with anyone with DID and both were online. Unfortunately, one encounter involved someone bringing to my attention that they suspected I had DID, then accusing me of faking alters because “alters can’t possibly switch as much” as this person thought I was. In hindsight, what might have been happening is someone was noticing something that I was trying to ignore and push away, causing what appeared to be switching. Needless to say, my view and understanding of dissociation are somewhat limited and mildly terrifying, especially prior to any form of therapy for my own trauma. As I say that, I’m reminded of one particular conversation that sticks out in my mind when being asked by a friend if I knew what dissociation was. I responded “NO, why? Am I supposed to?” They replied, “Interesting, you just gave the textbook definition.”

BACKSTORY

As a survivor of childhood trauma diagnosed with CPTSD, I was familiar with dissociation as a symptom of the larger diagnosis but never explored it much beyond that. Bringing up or trying to relate things from your trauma to your disability with an abled therapist is a challenge, especially considering my disability is from birth. Such forms of disability are often viewed as just life rather than recognized as something traumatic, more often than not resulting in having them seen as something well-managed. For this reason, I never brought up anything about my disability or how I felt it crossed over or intertwined with my other trauma in therapy, as it always left me feeling dismissed and invalidated. This meant that a large part of my trauma, understanding it, and myself felt impossible, leaving it unaddressed. I always looked at my dissociation as being similar to a sneeze while having a cold. It’s impossible to get rid of the sneeze without getting rid of the cold, so it was impossible to get rid of dissociation being diagnosed with CPTSD. Yet, I frequently used the language of “part” when expressing what I thought or felt. Dissociation was definitely more than blanking out, confusion, flashbacks, losing time, or a symptom.

Fast forward a few years to when I met and began seeing a trauma-informed coach. For the first time, I felt comfortable enough with someone to bring up my thoughts and feelings about certain aspects of my disability in the context of my other trauma. I had finally gotten to a place where I was able to talk about having an imaginary friend as a child, but unlike what would be considered typical, I had her for much longer than an average child would. PLUS, this imaginary friend was an ADULT, based on a character from a favorite tv show. I always wished she would come to play with me and take care of me. My coach explained this as my way of creating what I needed to feel safe, loved, and cared for. Her being familiar with my having several different accounts in second life, a virtual reality platform, she had me begin exploring my avatars as parts, which I have always viewed as extensions of myself. It made sense that they were part of me as they all look, act, feel, and express differently from each other and from the body, even though when creating them I had no idea why they were refusing blonde hair and blue eyes instead insisting on brown or different colored eyes, as well as brown or black hair. What I had never done before this was teasing apart their function in my life and what they were giving me that I longed for and needed. Once I began coaching training, my relationship, as a client, with my coach changed as she was the instructor of the program. It wasn’t until I had begun to explore external and internal family systems in the training that I dove deep into the process of understanding those things within myself. Sometime after, I started seeing another coach who was familiar with parts using the IFS framework. During that process, I discovered a new part that first appeared as a very angry teenager who scared the crap out of me by exploding into a ball of fire. As a result of how badly it scared me, she went into hiding for some time after (until we started working through the book). Also, at this time, I was finally able to admit that I was aware of at least one infant part but didn’t know how to identify an infant as a part because they weren’t fully fleshed out. I have to admit, that as much as the framework for IFS can be helpful in understanding parts of one’s self and their system, some IFS language can be problematic. Clearly, the idea of an angry part or an infant part was not enough of an identifier. I could never figure out why and didn’t give it much thought but referring to myself in that way felt bizarre!

FAST FORWARD TO THE INTERVIEW PREP/INTERVIEW

Between the time I reached out offering to interview and the day of, we had been given the questions. Knowing the questions beforehand gave me time to prepare answers, making everything flow in a way that made sense. That process led to the realization that, eventually, I may need to write my own book. As I have always done, I turned to my writing to help make sense of my thoughts and feelings as I was working on the questions preparing for the interview. Finally, the day came, July 1st, Canada Day, Jamie and I met for the interview! Going into it, despite realizing there was no need to be, I was a nervous wreck. Jamie made me feel relaxed and comfortable which allowed me to talk about my experience very candidly. I shared things that I hadn’t with anyone before. Someone finally heard what I had been holding onto inside. The better part of it might have been having someone hear all of this and them not losing their mind over any of it. What a sense of relief!

Some time passed, and I believe it was early in the new year when we got the rough draft of the book to review. As I suspected, as if I had written it myself, the interview that happened months prior was exactly what was in the book. I don’t think it was until then that the realization that everything I had shared was out in the world for anyone to see sunk in. After that, I knew I could no longer ignore the ways and impact of dissociation on me as a result of my trauma.

THE WORK BEGINS

I’m that client who can give you my entire trauma history, never batting an eye or showing any emotion toward it as if everything happened to someone else. One might think of this as no longer holding any emotion toward it. I realize that feeling nothing toward it means I am disconnected from it. In many ways, it feels like it didn’t happen to me. Because of the gift of dissociation, it didn’t.

I am not sure if anything could have prepared me for the journey I was about to be taken on when working on the exercises from the book. Having the basic footing for my parts already laid made me feel comfortable and confident that I would be ok doing the work. I already know there is Des, Aspen, Angry Teenager “bratty” AKA BeeJay, the imaginary friend AKA Shylowe, and an infant AKA Fortune. BeeJay, Aspen, and Destiny already being externalized through second life meant I knew what they looked like. Prior to working on a parts map, as an exercise from the book, I didn’t have a grasp on what Shylowe or Fortune looked like. Once I had acknowledged I was we and knew what we looked like there was no turning back. Each exercise from the book evolved into what the exercise was and more, each one revealing so much and helping us make many needed connections with our lived experiences as we went, hoped for, and expected. Up to this point, there are three poems written which weren’t part of the work. The most eye-opening awareness came recently when a poem just had to be written about us seeing ourselves in a mirror throughout our life, questioning if it indeed was us, and denying any possibility that it might be. For us, having different eye colors has often caused us to double-take our reflections any time we look in the mirror, which can be a super rare occurrence as a wheelchair user due to inaccessibility. Another interesting thing that happened was while developing the playlist, coming to the realization of just how many songs I listen to that reference “we” and a second playlist evolved. On top of that, there was a huge Ah Ha moment that came when we realized who Shylowe was after listening to Neil Diamond’s song Shilo which is a song we often listen to when we feel alone or lost and confused. Now I understand why I have several different colors I claim all to be my favorite, several different favorite types of music I like, several different favorite animals, and several different favorite foods. For my entire life, I’ve been a part of something bigger than one.

At some point during our exploration, once we discovered at least 6 of us, when sharing the map with Jamie, starting a conversation with them came up. How do you talk to an infant and at least two more young children? They start giving you simple phrases and pictures! The parts map at this point can only be explained as a visual trauma timeline. After sharing the beginning of that process with Jamie, little by little more things came out creating the connection between what were two very different experiences of trauma woven together to make a complete picture. After that came an internal battle over what exactly was the trauma. Some of us thought only the abuse counted and saw the disability-related things as just life, while others felt the disability-related trauma things were the most painful. Even though I suspected those things to come up it was painful to have parts of myself reveal the answers to questions we had long been seeking answers for. Yet, engaging in this work, in so many ways, helped us to resolve some aspects of our trauma that we knew about but didn’t know how to go about processing and healing.

My heart breaks, knowing that there have been parts of myself suppressed, and ignored for so long. It’s still a process of getting to know each part of us, and what we went through/who we are. A process that I now embrace rather than try to shove away or resist, knowing that doing that only causes more pain. When you make things simple it truly makes the biggest difference and has the greatest impact. I am not the same person that I was prior to taking part in this project, and I can honestly say I really don’t want to be.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/

This is a concept on everyone’s mind at certain times of the year. During the holiday season especially it can be a concept that creates a battle of wills for many with a year ending and another fast approaching. Being both disabled and a survivor of many types of abuse in childhood starting over fresh is something I’ve become a bit of a pro at doing. I’m certainly no stranger to the concept!

My fresh starts were not always limited to the holidays. In my case due to surgeries that often left me unable to do things that I once could or a lengthy struggle to get back to a place close to what once was the harsh reality that it was never going to be 100% possible in all situations felt pretty consistent. This developed what seemed to be a never-ending loop of letting go of or redefining who I was or had now become. Always starting fresh and learning how to navigate the world in a whole new way.

I was born with a birth defect called Spina Bifida which simply put means the spine split or divided and for each living with Spina Bifida depending on which subtype means the effects are greatly different. In my case, that means I’m currently confined to a wheelchair but that wasn’t always the reality. I am paralyzed from the waist down with limited mobility in my legs as well as no feeling or control over bodily functions requiring the help of an assistant for dressing, bathing, and some other daily living chores.

Until the age of ten I was able to walk with the assistance of a walker or crutches and throughout most of my childhood several different types of bracing. It all changed when my curved spine caused concern for my life and needed to be corrected with a rod. During that hospital stay, I had a friend of mine in as well battling a brain tumour who unfortunately lost her life. Unaware to me at the time she passed away the day following my surgery but it wouldn’t be told for several weeks once I was able to be out of bed. Though it would be years and way into adulthood before making the connections it was during that time that the abuse and my disability intertwined itself one became the belief it caused the other. Cementing me in what I know today as CPTSD. It was the “fresh start” that changed who I was and would become.

Facing the reality of my situation at such a young age was for me something that was part of my world but looking back now I realize something no child should have to face and surely wasn’t part of any form of a typical upbringing. Having an understanding of CPTSD that I now have also brought with it the awareness that my disability and medical challenges were enough to bring forth a diagnosis of CPTSD.

My abuse history is way deep and much too long to get into in full detail in one article. But it’s also too great not to mention the impact it has on me and who I am. The awareness that I was abused came at around age 15 when the bathing and bathroom help required by my disability was still being done by my father. Most people are probably cringing at this point thinking OK WTF and you are totally right. That in and of itself was totally messed up and wrong. My awareness that it was abuse came around that time because the touching and fingers in places they don’t belong now had sensations they didn’t have before and were unwanted (trust me as a child I didn’t like it nor want it either) but it was the icky feeling I now had that made it abuse for me. The truth is it was all along.

Many people who haven’t been through it are quick to ask the question why didn’t you just do… Remember I am physically disabled and confined to a wheelchair. I’m here to tell you everything in me wanted to run, scream, escape but here comes another word often looked at as bad…brain wants to run and the body goes “wait, you CAN’T” your not going anywhere!!!

The thing is most of my experiences were so well hidden or “just part of my life” not always violent, that one would even likely argue if they were abusive or not. I still have moments where I wonder but my body reminds me of floods of emotion, sensations, and urges to hide or escape that its all the proof needed.

This time of year when one is ending and a new one approaching id like to encourage those who have the joy of experiencing those as positive things to stop for a moment and consider those whose experience is nothing at all like yours. The battle they face with a fresh year and a fresh start with all it could mean for them. Change and starting over isn’t always equal to experiencing joy or excitement. Those things for me bring forth much frustration, heartbreak, and hurt.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/

The title of this post is a common phrase everyone knows and one that is often heard during the holiday season. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, happy, give thanks, feel lucky because you aren’t in the hospital when many are or because you have more than another person or group of people and so many other things could go on that list. You know them all and probably have heard them all, not only during the holidays but at any time. Many holidays are also surrounded by the idea of sharing a meal with those we love and care about meaning family. Many family homes are not safe and involve people who have caused harm and pain. Food, though a very needed thing for survival, is often the enemy or the comforter for someone dealing with eating disorders.

While any or all of the above mentioned things are deemed to be good or positive there is a bad and sometimes dangerous side that comes with them during the holidays or in general. There was never a childhood Santa letter ever written by me that didn’t include “Please be good to the little girl and boys in the hospital” not because I understood what that meant but because it was a family “rule.” Having a disability has involved multiple stays in the hospital, none during the holidays. Having the constant year-after-year reminder to think about the hospital and those in there took away from the enjoyment of my holiday and experience of Santa Claus. I was never allowed to forget horrible and scary things and always was expected to never forget about those worse than myself leaving me feeling very undeserving of the simple joys of Christmas.

The internal screams to let the holidays be mine and allow me to enjoy them the way they were meant to be, went unnoticed and unheard. Looking through the photo album at a seemingly happy untouched and harmed three-year-old child, having my mother pointing out the toys that I had gotten, being asked if I had any memory of the year Santa was drunk and my toys were broken. Of course, I had no actual memory of the events but, sadly, as I got older I also had no reason to believe that it was being made up because I was still experiencing the results of my father’s drinking along with abuse from both of them. What I do remember from that time was the fear that I had within me for my own life and safety, even at that young age, because Santa aka my father wasn’t only breaking my toys but putting me in dangerous situations.

I was born disabled and as a result, I am unable to walk which puts me in a situation where I require the assistance of another person to get around by helping me into my wheelchair and into places or by carrying me when wheelchair access isn’t an available option. The one you depend on for this being under the influence of alcohol and choosing to also drive puts a person in danger that is not only scary but life-threatening without escape because of the disability. It also leaves a person with no choice but to accept what the situation is in the moment and hope for the best, especially as a child who doesn’t know or understand the dangers. I learned them much later as I got older. I know, I know, forgive and forget and quit dwelling on the negative, put on a happy face, and show up in the world like everything is OK.

It doesn’t do any good to forgive and forget because that which is forgiven requires the actions of the other person to change. Sometimes they can’t because they can’t see the danger or the harm in what they are doing. Speaking about unspeakable acts done to us is trying to process the experience not dwell on the past. Putting on a happy face when we are overwhelmed with many emotions and sensory stimuli around us and the pressure to act a certain way to belong and be part of a group increases the pain we are under and does nothing to reduce or relieve it which in turn causes a negative experience and the cycle starts all over again. Things aren’t always how they seem on the surface. Survivors need to feel safe, supported, and understood for what they have experienced before they can begin to take part in any holiday traditions or handle expectations placed on them during the holiday season and anytime. Illness whether or not they are physical or mental, not for any reason, just automatically shuts off but how other people handle those things around us can without a doubt shut us down. Before this can become a season to be happy or joyful and filled with positivity ‘Tis The Season to be and let be. It is about traditions, not conditions. People deserve joy and experience it in many ways not only the way someone approves of or accepts it as the right way of doing something.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/

Traditions are beliefs or behaviors passed down within a group or society with symbolic meanings or special significance with origins in the past. The holidays are filled with traditions that as a person with a disability have riddled me with guilt, shame, embarrassment, frustration, and anger, is an altogether challenging, miserable, and overall traumatic time. Why, because it’s filled with overestimating or underestimating what I can or cannot do, complaints, neglect, and endangerment. People assume the easy or little things I am able to do are some significant form of inclusion over adapting what I want to take part in making sure that activity is accessible. The half-hearted attempts to have gatherings at my home rather than finding a public, accessible location. The lack of understanding even one’s own family or friend group has as a result of failing to see them as no different than anyone is sickening! We are different and that’s okay but not an excuse to mistreat, endanger, or abuse us in the name of family or tradition.

As an adult disabled person who has moved away from an abusive family now what I deal with is having to depend on a caregiver who “shouldn’t have to work the holidays” and “I shouldn’t be their responsibility to take care of when its the holidays because its a time to be with family” and they “deserve a break”. Well, I am sorry that I have to pee on Christmas…how dare I not be able to turn off a normal human function because you deserve the day off or shouldn’t have to put up with working the holidays! I currently live alone but that hasn’t always been the case. When not living alone but with people who were not my blood relatives they would make the effort with half-hearted attempts to include me by helping with the tree decorating only to end up complaining that the decorations were too close together or only in one spot. I am not sure what they expected from a wheelchair user unable to reach closer to the top or navigate around the tree. If I was asked to wrap gifts someone would always make sure to make comments on the way it was done either saying it wasn’t cut straight, had too much paper on the ends, or the bow should be in the corner if I had it in the middle, or the tags should be somewhere other than where I placed them. I would be asked to help with the food as if people believed I was capable and confident in my abilities to do so only to be given a peeler to peel veggies or a knife but then they would hover over me the whole time telling me to be careful. It wasn’t worth being involved or included because, for the most part, it left me feeling like I would rather be and truly was left out. Though it is better now I opted out of decorating my home as a caregiver feels it is not their job to help with those kinds of things and though I clearly see that as wrong I honestly don’t mind skipping out on holiday decorating as I enjoy it much more in virtual reality spaces.

As a child still in an abusive situation from the outside people would never have known anything as we presented in church as the well-dressed happy family that had it all together. I was the flawed burden that needed the cure or the healing and everyone felt sorry that they didn’t know how to make that happen. They wanted desperately to solve a problem so they threw money at it. When it wasn’t that it was inviting my parents out to get a break and away from me for the night. As a very young child, Christmas was pretty typical as I would be the one to put the star on top of the tree until I got too big. I was generally tasked with watering the tree as I was the only one in the house that really needed to crawl as well as pulling the gifts out from under it Christmas morning and giving them to their rightful owners. The thing that was different was Christmas letters to Santa. They always had to include telling Santa to be good to the children in the hospital and making sure the things that were on the list were things that were suitable and practical rather than wants. In some ways that killed my ability to dream and the magic of the holiday season. Plus, let’s not forget having the constant of the year Santa arrived drunk and broke my toys.

After I had a rod placed in my back at the age of ten in some ways that became an excuse for my parents not taking part in holiday get-togethers but at the same time family eventually drifted away from coming to ours because they deemed to be too much on my parents while having to care for me. When I was thought to be recovered there was more pressure placed on my family to attend holiday gatherings but having me attend also. People never seemed to realize with ice and snow plus alcohol made for a situation where I was being placed in danger. It was very similar to how the people treated me with the Christmas tree, gift wrapping, and helping with food prep. They seemed to see everything about me as different but nothing at all was at the same time. It seemed a lot easier to blame me for being the problem over accepting I was different. Reality is a hard pill to swallow, I guess.

Drinking for any reason, especially during the holidays, at social gatherings is a huge part of the culture and traditions in my local area. So, it’s not like me being carried through ice and snow or having my father get behind the wheel to drive after gatherings is entirely shocking or an infrequent, new concept, but the failure to realize how that puts a disabled person in even more danger than the average individual and the lack of awareness of such things definitely is. Family gatherings, as a disabled person, come with a unique set of circumstances that greatly impact how we feel about the holidays, can/are for many reasons traumatic, and most definitely impact our mental health.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/

Suicide is the act of causing the death of yourself. When people think of suicide an image of someone jumping off a bridge or a cliff may come to mind. Maybe even jumping onto train tracks or from a high place into a body of water or the ground below. It can involve things like rope, ladders, concrete, sharp objects, alcohol or drugs, and endless other things. None of those ways or things are often possible for someone with mobility issues due to a disability. Does this mean that those without the ability to access these means do not experience the feelings of suicide and want to end it? NO!

For as long as I can remember I’ve had an overwhelming feeling to escape and get away. Not from just one situation or certain people but all people and all places. As early as the age of seven or 8 maybe earlier I would sit in the car and as it was moving I would open the door hoping to fall out as I was unable to jump due to my disability. Of course, I would be caught and get in trouble for doing this as it wasn’t safe which I was aware of. Other times I would hold my breath as I pretended to be asleep int the back seat when I was checked on to make sure I was breathing. Because I was a child there was no understanding of the result of what I was doing. I never had a thought about wanting to die. I wanted the abuse to end and to get away from the people I was around. The older I got an awareness that I was going to be in trouble for the thoughts and feelings I was having and the fear of being unable to complete it was a big part of my life.

As an adult during my first year of college was what I consider to be my attempt. It was late evening and I was sitting alone in my apartment at the time. Because of the people I was hanging around at the time, there was alcohol in my apartment along with a bottle of aspirin 600 and knives were within my reach. I HAD THE PLAN! I had failed attempts in the past trying to drown in the bathtub as my knees are unable to bend and I have a rod in my back. I wanted to be sure that if the pills and alcohol didn’t do it that I had the knife to finish. All that was left was to write the note.

It started as many do…To whoever finds this it wasn’t your fault. I faked an I love you statement to my parents which I fully did blame and did not love. The place I found myself in that night had everything to do with my childhood. I stated several reasons for why I had done what I did. When I had finished the note, had the pill bottle in hand going to get the knife and everything else, I heard a knock on my door. I rushed to hide the knife in the closet and act as if nothing was going on opening the door. On the other side was the person who would become involved in turning my life around. I didn’t go through with my plan that night and even though I still do struggle with thoughts and there have been urges I’ve never gotten to the point of a plan and further to a note. The biggest thing I took away from that was the realization of how creative one has to be when a disability is in the mix of suicide, suicidal ideation, and suicidal thoughts.

Because suicide doesn’t show up the same for disabled people due to the challenges they face with mobility it often goes unnoticed and it’s not something that many if anyone is equipt to deal with. It can feel for those who struggle with it as if it’s a non-existent problem. Another complexity in this situation is those around you that assist you with daily needs and support fear of getting into trouble. Those things alone can add to the need to end it. The worst part was being able to hear the voices in my head that were saying how much of a mess I left behind or my life wasn’t that difficult and I was selfish.

It’s not selfish and it’s not about death. For many, it may not have anything to do with anyone externally. I once heard suicide being referred to as the ultimate self-harm and it is because for those that get to a place of suicide or even before we would rather hurt ourselves than the ones around us in any way. It was a difficult challenge and time in my life that getting to a place of no escape was overshadowed by limitations and the overwhelming feeling that it was yet another thing I couldn’t do “right” or had the choice because of the “trouble” I would have caused for others

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Destiny Mowadeng

Hi, my name is Destiny and I am a Certified Tauma Recovery Coach. I have a disability called Spina Bifida and I am also a trauma survivor. As I am not a person who particularly likes face to face interaction my writing is a vital part of what I do for my own mental health as well as professionally. Being a person with a disability has developed into coaching those who are also survivors of trauma and are disabled similar to myself. I do this using a virtual reality platform called Second Life. I also own a website and blog to help advocate, education, and rise awareness about disability, mental health, and trauma within the context of disability.

powerfullypowerless.wordpress.com/