Flashbacks are intense, painful memories of past trauma. Those who have PTSD sometimes report symptoms of re-living traumatic events, including sensory details and the emotions that they felt at the time. When a person has experienced repeated trauma or a long period of intense and unrelieved stress, they are at risk for developing complex PTSD. Flashbacks are still common with C-PTSD, but the person experiencing them may not realize what’s happening. Such flashbacks are called “emotional” or “implicit” flashbacks.

If you feel a sudden flood of painful emotions that don’t seem to match the intensity of the situation, you may be experiencing an emotional flashback.

As is the case for many people, I had them for a few years before I knew what they were. One distinct memory I have is of my trip to Japan with a very close friend. We were both stressed out, because she had never been out of the country by herself before, and I was struggling with stress-induced hypoglycemic symptoms that made me anxious and confused. One night in the hotel, we had an argument. She sat down on the bed and buried her head in her hands. I said that I was going to draw a bath and stepped into the bathroom. I immediately experienced an intense surge of emotions. It was like being hit with a giant wave and smacked against a concrete wall. I sat in the tub, hugged my knees into my chest, and cried. My hands and arms shook. I had thoughts like, “You are a monster. You’ve ruined your friendship and your friend’s vacation. You’re pathetic and useless.” Waves of self-hatred, shame, terror, guilt, sadness, and confusion rolled over me and wouldn’t let me up for a breath.  What had happened was simple: we both had had a stressful day. Our nerves were raw, and we ended up arguing. In the middle of the flashback, it felt like the world was ending. I felt these surges of emotion on and off for the rest of the two-week trip.

People who, like me, struggle with regulating these powerful emotions for a very long time, are in danger of developing complications. These include low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts from nasty internal voices that are very hard to shut off. During the worst of the flashbacks, I had to take myself to the emergency room for fear that I would try to hurt myself. Since then, I’ve been able to open up to friends about the flashbacks and learn how to manage them. Below are some things to remember if you suspect that you’re having emotional flashbacks:

• You are not going crazy.
• You’re not being dramatic.
• You are not a bad person.
• You are not weak or oversensitive.
• You are not helpless.
• You can learn to manage this. It will get better with time.

During the long process of recovery, it’s okay to get frustrated with yourself. These flashbacks are a lot to deal with. You’re already strong for having gotten through the things that caused your C-PTSD. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to function like a “normal person.” There is nothing normal about flashbacks. There is no “right” way to feel after trauma. Even if you don’t remember what happened, your emotions are real and valid. They are a plea from your body to heal some profound wounds. They are a chance to learn more about yourself.

With time, inner work, and gentle self-compassion, these flashbacks will become less frequent and less intense. It’s a good idea to try to find the thoughts or situations that trigger them. You might find it helpful to create a mantra that you can mentally repeat when you find yourself stuck in a triggering thought pattern. Even more important than the words are the images and emotions associated with the mantra you’ve chosen. Here is one that I created for when I get stuck in cycles of guilt and self-hatred:

I am loved.

I imagine my friends smiling when they think about me. I allow a feeling of warmth to creep into my chest.

I am strong.

I imagine myself on the academic exchange I went on in Ecuador. I remember how capable, confident, and free I felt.

I am precious.

I imagine my soul sparkling in the sun.

I am kind.

I imagine encouraging a sad friend and making them smile.

Chances are that you’ve been living with a painful default mode for a very long time. Decades of fear and hurt don’t go away instantly. The good news is that, with enough patient coaxing, your brain can completely restructure itself. You can be free.

There are a few things that are important to put in place if you suspect that you’re having flashbacks. First, get in touch with a licensed counselor or therapist. They can provide a safe space for you to process your memories, thoughts, and feelings surrounding the trauma, and can give you an action plan for healing and staying safe.

The second thing is to realize it when you’re having a flashback. In his article on Psychologytoday.com, Tom Bunn says,

“When we have an implicit flashback, we mistakenly believe someone, or something, in the present is causing these feelings. Though something in the present triggered the feelings, the feelings do not fit the present situation. They are far more intense and far more persistent. Those two characteristics – intensity and persistence – are the clues we    need to look for.”

Knowing that there is a reason for the terrifying flood of emotions is part of liberating ourselves from the pain and fear that the “flooding” causes. It helps us to explain to our loved ones what is happening. Once empowered with this knowledge, we can get to work on healing. Richard Grannon of Spartan Life Coaching gives five pieces of advice for dealing with C-PTSD symptoms:

State Management

Make a list of the things that you are already doing to cope with your symptoms. Do you practice yoga or go for walks? Do you drink alcohol or use recreational drugs? Some coping strategies will have positive consequences, and others will have negative ones. The first step to creating positive change is to develop an awareness of what your coping behaviors are.

Choose a State You Would Like to Feel

Do you crave the feeling of calm? If you struggle with depression, do you want to feel more energized, optimistic, or joyful? Setting a firm intention on which emotions we want to experience can act as a clear guide toward our goals.

Think About What You Could Do More Often

Which healthy habits could you engage in more? What would you like to try?

Do Something to Manage Emotional Flashbacks

I recommend Pete Walker’s 13 Steps as a way to de-escalate intense emotions and return to a grounded state.

Work on Emotional Literacy

With a licensed counselor or therapist, begin the work of recognizing which emotions you are feeling. Observe the sensations they produce in your body. Try to name each emotion as it comes up. CPTSD Foundation also has a page with resources if you are ready to begin the healing process. You can find that here.

A friend of mine who has survived trauma describes recovery as a journey of “two steps forward, and one step back.” Sometimes, to work on one part of ourselves, another part has to regress for a little bit. You might find others needing to remind you over and over that you are loved and important. This is all part of your process. In time, that love will nestle into your heart and put down roots, giving you confidence, strength, and lasting peace.

References:

Bunn, T. (August 14, 2015). Is What You Are Feeling A Flashback?  Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquer-fear-flying/201408/is-what-you-are-feeling-flashback

Grannon, R. (January 10, 2020). 5 Things You Can Do To Deal With CPTSD Now! Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzocPhoORvs

Walker, P. (date unavailable). Flashback Management in Treatment of Complex PTSD. Retrieved from http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

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Emily Wiebe

My name is Emily. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Linguistics from Simon Fraser University and a Certificate in Creative Writing. I have worked as a speech therapy assistant, tutor, and now writer. When I’m not blogging about mental health, spirituality, and creativity, I’m looking for frozen puddles for my inner child to jump on! You can find my blog at www.dancingwithmyoctopus.com

www.dancingwithmyoctopus.com

I was around 19 years old when I lost the ability to daydream. I didn’t notice it at the time. What I did notice was extreme difficulty with writing. I was taking creative writing courses at Simon Fraser University at the time, and couldn’t understand why I was unable to come up with ideas for my story assignments. I attributed it to the inner critic at first. I dug a little deeper and found mounds of accumulated perfectionism in the basement. I growled at it, it growled back, and that was the extent of our relationship.

After university, I moved back home with my family for almost a year. The difficulty continued. I held occasional writing sessions with a good friend, and we named our inner critics in an attempt to be less afraid of them – hers, Bat and mine, Toad. Imagining my inner critic as an entity separate from myself allowed me to loosen my writer’s block a little. Unfortunately, only a trickle of ideas came out. I would start a novel, get three chapters in, and ultimately give up in frustration.

I tried different plotting techniques, writing books, online courses, and asking friends for advice. My discouragement got worse as time went on, and abandoned novels piled up in the darkness. The perfectionism only ate them and grew stronger. My depression deepened, and my anxiety intensified. I would have sudden emotional reactions to everyday things, like a song on my friend’s car stereo, a subtle facial expression, or noise from behind me. These reactions were frightening and confusing. I felt like I had no control over them.

Eventually, I gave up on fiction. I knew that I could still write essays, so I resolved to use what I had learned from fiction writing to writing articles. Words began to slowly drip, dribble, and then flow out of my fingers. I began to write about my experiences with depression and anxiety. Puzzle pieces slowly clicked into place. I discovered the snarled roots of codependency snaking through my thought processes and began the work of digging them out and replacing them with compassion and self-love. Throughout this time, the depression would re-surface, be squished down by a new medication, and then bob up again. There was an aching emptiness in my chest that no hugs or encouraging words could soothe.

Not too long ago, I accidentally came across a video on YouTube that covered Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). My curiosity led to a search for PTSD symptoms, even though I knew that I couldn’t possibly, possibly have PTSD. One-click led to another, and suddenly I had zoomed out to stare at the canvas of my life. I saw the whole picture. And I discovered that I had complex PTSD from repeated childhood trauma that had been locked away, in that basement with the perfectionism. I hadn’t forgotten about it. I just had convinced myself that it was okay.

Trauma doesn’t always affect the imagination in this way. In some people, the imagination can become overwhelmingly negative and intrusive, resulting in nightmares, flashbacks, and panic attacks. If you find yourself in this boat, give yourself a gentle hug for me. You are incredibly strong for having survived those moments in your life. What happened to you was not your fault. The dark moments in your life do not get to say who you are.

If you have experienced a traumatic event and are having thoughts of death or suicide, please reach out to a mental health professional. You are not alone. Click here to see a list of resources.

How does a person recover the imagination when it retreats to unreachable corners of the mind? There might be a temptation to think the answer is “effort.” In reality, the recovery of creativity will look different for every person who heals. I searched tirelessly for the one book, speaker, or resource that would rescue my lost creativity. But what I realize now is that I needed to mourn. My creativity didn’t go anywhere. It’s still part of me. But by pushing down the pain and the intense emotions connected to the trauma, I pushed away all of me. And that included my creativity.

Find a safe person, whether it’s a close friend, a therapist, or a trusted family member. Allow them to hold space for you while you experience the tidal waves of grief and hurt.  And only do it when you’re ready. Sometimes things need to fall into place in life before we reach a stage where we’re prepared to handle the pain. We may need to re-learn how to trust people, or re-learn how to trust ourselves.

I was the kind of person who didn’t have time for emotions. Sad songs and angsty lyrics were a waste of time. I decided at a very young age that I wasn’t going to feel bad things. I was going to be happy and cheerful for my family. I kept a stiff upper lip, no matter what. And yet, far into my adult years, whenever I hear someone listening to songs like this, I feel a strange mixture of emotions swirling in the empty space in my chest. Like the faint memory of a bruise, that almost hurts but doesn’t. That is their music, I tell myself. It doesn’t apply to me. I don’t get to feel that.

But, based on everything I’ve learned, I think I need to. I need to allow the music to speak to me. To own the lyrics as if they were the whispers of my soul that I stopped listening to half a lifetime ago. One day I hope to be able to release that pain so that I can be free.

Your creativity belongs to you. It’s part of you. No one can take it away. It may take time to heal, or it may come rushing back all at once. But no matter which path your healing takes, it will be the one that you – unique, beautiful, brilliant you – are meant to walk.

How is your soul calling you to step into the light?

Helpful Links:

Kati Morton: How to overcome Childhood Emotional Neglect

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtDIFA5KhWo

Kati Morton: COMPLEX PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qIAZcOryl4

Out of the Storm

https://www.outofthestorm.website/

Healthline: Understanding Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

https://www.healthline.com/health/cptsd#support

Emily Wiebe

My name is Emily. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Linguistics from Simon Fraser University and a Certificate in Creative Writing. I have worked as a speech therapy assistant, tutor, and now writer. When I’m not blogging about mental health, spirituality, and creativity, I’m looking for frozen puddles for my inner child to jump on! You can find my blog at www.dancingwithmyoctopus.com

www.dancingwithmyoctopus.com