Heidi Fischer | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org The Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research Wed, 29 Mar 2023 12:55:17 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://cptsdfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/cropped-Daily-Recovery-Support-Globe-iPad-Fav-32x32.png Heidi Fischer | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org 32 32 4 Ways Collecting Helps Me Maintain my Mental Health https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/04/11/4-ways-collecting-helps-me-maintain-my-mental-health/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/04/11/4-ways-collecting-helps-me-maintain-my-mental-health/#comments Tue, 11 Apr 2023 09:51:47 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=247202
What do 90’s Mcdonalds’ toys, vintage ceramic rabbits, Lego sets, Star Wars memorabilia, and an enormous amount of Care Bears items all have in common?

They bring me joy… And I don’t care what anyone thinks about it.

Yes, I’m a 40-year-old adult and my home is so full of colourful collections that some would consider it an assault on the senses. Yet, to me it’s much more than chaos, my vibrant clutter has significant personal meaning, and is even a tool that helps me with my diagnoses of Major Depression and Complex Trauma.

You read correctly my collections help me to maintain my mental health. I’d love to share why.

1. Makes my Inner Child Happy

I experienced childhood trauma and have a diagnosis of CPTSD. It should come as no surprise then that I’ve done a lot of internal work in therapy and on my own in relation to my younger years. A part of that journey for me includes looking for the things that once made me happy as a child, helped me in difficult times, or considered what was missing.

I’ve learned that supporting the inner child in me is a very valuable form of healing. My massive collection of Care Bears is very much related to this, it brings with it a lot of comforts.

2. Gives me purpose.

Lack of motivation is a symptom that can come with depression, and I deal with that in my life. This can look a lot of ways but for me, it usually comes down to the basics. I struggle to get out of bed, with feeding myself, or even with keeping entertained.

Oddly enough, I can honestly say that even at my worst, I cannot resist a trip to the thrift store to hunt for my treasures. It helps that I have particular things that I’m looking for which allows me to focus, but I also enjoy the surprises.

3. Creates connections

I’ve written before about the importance of community and belonging when it comes to mental wellness, and how connecting with fellow fans can be a way to do this. I see this in the same light. When my mental health is not at its best it can be difficult for me to rely on and trust in others, yet here again, my treasure trove helps me with this.

I belong to some social media groups dedicated to particular types of collecting and love seeing other folks’ cool stuff and the happiness it brings them. But even better is that in the real-world people are always finding me things or letting me know about something they spotted that reminds them of me. Truthfully, it feels nice to be thought of. I also do the same in return for my friends, and we also go together to look for thrifty scores. I’m really grateful that connection is a byproduct of all this, it helps me a lot.

4. I just like it.

…And that’s a good enough reason as any. I have always been a somewhat quirky human and for the most part also pretty unashamed of it.  If someone wants to judge me because I go out and about with my Care Bears backpack or get giddy when I spot another ceramic rabbit – then have at it, I don’t care. The truth is though, more often than not I receive compliments, smiles, and learn about what other folks are into. Those who might look down on me, think it’s childish, or roll their eyes – just aren’t my people and I can live with that.

I know what I like, and I also know that my collections bring me joy, comfort, a sense of safety and so much more. I own it, and love the colour it brings into my life.

Yes, being a collector helps me maintain my mental health. Yet I know that doing this is not an option for everyone, and likewise, I’m not suggesting that it is a cure-all. Some folks are just not maximalists, and that’s okay! Having all sorts of trinkets could cause some folks to feel too disorganized or stressed, others may simply not have the space, time, or money to do such. That is all understandable, I just ask for the same grace when it comes to me.

I don’t collect outside of my means, as far as my finances go, though I’m sure I spend plenty of money on what some consider to be nonsense. I’m not an especially tidy person, but this does not venture into hoarding. And while I do get some dopamine hits after a good find and I can get a little carried away, it is not a matter of compulsive shopping. In my world, it’s both healthy and positive.

Also, just so we’re all clear I also maintain a wide variety of other treatments such as therapy, medications, and rTMS, so it’s not as though my dragon’s horde is what is keeping me entirely well.

But it doesn’t hurt either.

If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/04/11/4-ways-collecting-helps-me-maintain-my-mental-health/feed/ 3 When Having a Trauma-Informed Doctor Is a Matter of Life and Death https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/03/15/when-having-a-trauma-informed-doctor-is-a-matter-of-life-and-death/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/03/15/when-having-a-trauma-informed-doctor-is-a-matter-of-life-and-death/#comments Wed, 15 Mar 2023 16:18:00 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=246978 ***Trigger warning***

This guest post discusses specific, explicit, aspects of a personal trauma story. Please be kind to yourself as you read. 

A letter to the doctor who almost killed me:

There I sat, in a small room, and in walked you, the doctor. I’d shown up to the ER because I was having a mental health crisis.

When I think of our interaction, I have a visceral memory of you shouting my name at me from two feet away. You were unimpressed that I didn’t answer a question immediately, painfully unaware that I was frozen in a trauma response. You had no idea that I felt as though the room was getting smaller; that I was trying to decide if I would be able to get past the door unharmed.

I must admit I don’t recall that much about you as a person. Unsurprisingly, you were the typical middle-aged, white, male physician. What I do remember is that within a few minutes of our interaction, you were irritated with me for utilizing precious ER resources for something so silly as stress, a word you decided on.

Yeah, I guess you could say that I was stressed. But to be more precise, I had been wading my way through months of severe depression.

If you had merely shown me a little more patience and allowed me time to speak you would have heard how hard things had been. I’d have told you that it was currently part of my daily routine to contemplate methods of killing myself. That this wasn’t an entirely new phenomenon in my life, but it was the worst it’s ever been.

If you’d spoken with kindness, I probably would have said that earlier on this same day, I prematurely left work in tears. Or that when I drove myself home I saw visions of myself ending it as though I were in a movie. You never gave me a chance to say that after sitting at home weeping for an hour, I decided I had to make a choice, live or die. You didn’t get to hear that I chose life. And because of that choice, I did the only thing I could think to do: throw some stuff in a backpack and walk over to the ER.

Perhaps now you can understand why it hurt me so much that after sitting in the waiting room for eight hours, you were cavalierly ready to send me home after speaking with me for less than three minutes — not to mention the shouting.

Thankfully, I did eventually coax myself out of my freeze response and flatly refused to leave. I was honestly surprised that you relented and allowed me access to the on-call psychiatrist.

After that, I never saw you again and you likely don’t know what ever happened to me. So allow me to enlighten you.

I was admitted.

Yep, I went on to spend three weeks in the psychiatric unit, getting my meds majorly overhauled. Turns out I was worthy of care, and indeed with support my mental health drastically improved. In six months, I was told that I have something that’s called complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Once I learned that I haven’t stopped talking about it since.

I also want you to know that now when I look back, I view the way you treated me as a turning point for me and my relationship with healthcare providers. So I guess I can thank you for that. It was after our unacceptable encounter that I realized that deference could endanger my survival and that it was unwise to automatically assume medical folks and I were on the same team. Regardless of one’s degree, my trust must be earned.

I think it’s also important for you to know I didn’t let you jade me either. I’ve since had many wonderfully trauma-informed folks in my life, people who understand things like nervous system activation, trauma responses, and how to be kind in moments of heightened emotions. Practitioners have walked alongside me as partners as we’ve navigated appointments and triggers, often in ways that have been healing for me to experience.

And look, I understand that it’s not always a picnic to work in the ER. I can imagine that perhaps you had a bad day, or that the patient prior to me was rude. Maybe you saw me, someone who wasn’t quickly answering your questions, as a person trying to be deceptive. It could be I reminded you of someone, or you have experienced trauma yourself. I really can’t know what was going on for you, but to be clear it was never my job to try and figure that out.

Here’s what I do know: you could have killed me.

Or at least you would have played a starring role.

Yes, I guess I’m still a bit angry with you. More than anything I’d like to know that since our encounter, you’ve had additional training in what it means to be trauma-informed. That you’ve had the opportunity to put those skills into practice and have learned from old mistakes.

Lastly, I hope that, If our paths ever cross again, I will gain new memories of a doctor that treated me with dignity and respect.

 

If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram.

This article was originally published on The Mighty.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/03/15/when-having-a-trauma-informed-doctor-is-a-matter-of-life-and-death/feed/ 8 If You Are Triggered by ‘Matilda the Musical’ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/02/10/if-you-are-triggered-by-matilda-the-musical/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/02/10/if-you-are-triggered-by-matilda-the-musical/#comments Fri, 10 Feb 2023 10:57:38 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=246443 “Matilda the Musical” has burst onto the Netflix scene, and you my friend decided to give it a go.

I don’t blame you! I put it on too because as a child of the 80’s I loved the book and the 1996 movie version! Perhaps you also remember it from way back then or just wanted to see what the fuss was about.

Why wouldn’t we pop it on, it is a sunny silly story… isn’t it?

Now as the credits roll or perhaps halfway through, you have found tears running down your face. Am I right in guessing that you have some tightness in your chest and a sinking feeling in your stomach? I’m not a mind reader; I know this because I’m right here with you.

You aren’t weird, this is a trauma response.

“Matilda” hits on many sad themes often present in situations of childhood abuse — feeling unwanted, being neglected, keeping secrets, bullying, misuse of power, hopelessness, defenselessness, unjust punishments, dreaming of fantastic rescues, and of course physical/psychological abuse. It’s heavy to read that sentence, let alone watch a two-hour musical on the subject of trauma.

So if you are overwhelmed, sad, upset, hurt, or otherwise triggered — it’s OK! You are not a flawed human for having these responses. This isn’t an overreaction, your feelings are real, and you are not alone in feeling them. I know this as a fact because I feel them too.

“Matilda” may reveal or refresh the memories of things you once went through — including what you wished for. The story itself ends on a happy note but can also be a stark reminder that you didn’t develop telekinesis or find yourself in highly improved situations. The pain, grief, anger, and sadness you feel over that is justified.

What Matilda and the other children experienced wasn’t right, and what you experienced wasn’t right either. If you didn’t have a Miss. Honey or a kind Librarian to help guide you, I’m sorry for that and I wish you did. I wish more people saw you and helped you.

It is hard to see a traumatic story flash across your screen in a way that you didn’t expect or weren’t ready for, so be kind to yourself and reach out for your support if need be.  Remind yourself that you are now protected and you can keep the child version of you safe.

I know it’s not easy, but I know that things will eventually shift and soon you’ll feel more like yourself. Until then it’s a natural response to need to cry, curl up into a sadness ball, chat with a therapist, or even find yourself watching it again to understand yourself better.

You aren’t broken. It was triggering, and you’ll move through it with time.

It’s also perfectly fine if parts of you enjoyed the movie; I did too.

-Heidi

PS. If it feels safe to do so, you could imagine yourself vanquishing those who were abusive to you with Matilda-style magical powers—just a thought.

If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe.

This article was originally published on The Mighty.  

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/02/10/if-you-are-triggered-by-matilda-the-musical/feed/ 1 4 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Younger Self About Trauma Recovery https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/12/20/4-things-i-wish-i-could-tell-my-younger-self-about-trauma-recovery/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/12/20/4-things-i-wish-i-could-tell-my-younger-self-about-trauma-recovery/#respond Tue, 20 Dec 2022 18:25:50 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=245537

This article was originally published on The Mighty.

Photos of Heidi and her friend Rachel from over the years, used with permission.

Way back in the olden days of the early 2000s, I sat a friend down and let her know I needed to speak with her about something important. Then, for the first time, I shared with another human-  pieces of the past traumas I had experienced. I felt as though the Earth was about to swallow me whole, and that life as I knew it was about to disappear. Since I’m writing here today, I suppose you’ve guessed I survived. The roads I’ve gone down, though, have been anything but smooth.

Where I’m standing now, there are things I wish I could tell my past self about the trauma recovery journey I was about to embark on. It would have helped me to know this information, as it would have lessened some of the ambiguity and distress. I also know I will need these reminders again in the future. If you, too, are on a healing path, I hope these words can also support you or someone you care about with a similar journey.

1. It doesn’t feel very good (most of the time).

That may sound obvious, but I swear it isn’t. Recovery is at times portrayed as some sort of ethereal jaunt through six sessions of magical therapy that culminate in a fantastic meltdown right next to some marvellous resolution. Well, at least that’s how it goes in the movies.

Spoiler alert, this ain’t it. There will be months of being wrapped in blankets, years of weekly therapy, and pain you can only express in abstract art. Yet, you will make it through it all, and realize you are stronger than you think. It’s not that it’s a constant drag either; it’s not all misery. You will laugh, you will perfect the art of dark humour, and yes, you may even skip your way home after some therapy. The maddening truth is it would likely be worrisome if wading through trauma were pleasant.

2. The journey never stops.

This matches up with the above concept, and I also blame Hollywood for stopping you from realizing this sooner. There will be points where you think you are “cured,” “healed” or “ready to move on.” It’s more than OK to enjoy periods of calm and stability, those do come and they are worth celebrating. Yet, don’t be surprised when things are activated again, because it will happen, and it’s rarely convenient.

“Leveling-up” may be a more useful concept for you. Much like 1980s “Super Mario Bros.” — you’ll find yourself battling that stupid old dragon turtle more than you’d hope, but each time you do so, you’ll have new skills (and muscle memory). Be prepared; healing is not a “one and done,” and don’t allow this fact to convince you that you are somehow a failure. You aren’t. It’s normal to face triggers, reevaluate, learn new skills, have things stirred up and erroneously go back to old ways of coping. This is all OK.

3. Healing involves mystery.

Expect the unexpected, or at least take comfort in knowing it exists. The universe will surprise you. New people will come into your life just as you need them, some even just for a short while, but exactly as long as they are needed. You’ll see a movie and it’ll perfectly align with something you’ve been trying to explain in therapy. A new medication will influence a shift in your mind you didn’t think was possible. So, perhaps you do get some of those ethereal moments after all.

I don’t want to spoil it for you, but some of your long-held dreams eventually do come true. Longings you whispered to friends and cried about in therapy, arrive in the strangest of ways, sometimes 10 years later. Hold onto and believe in this when everything seems clouded in darkness.

4. Keep an eye out for that newfangled diagnosis: Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD).

You can read all about C-PTSD and your journey with it here. The short version of it is this is a new diagnosis, and it would have helped you to learn about it sooner.

Nearly 15 years later when I first spoke to that friend, I am still walking on that healing journey. That path has taken me on all sorts of winding trails. I’ve faced many dark moments. I’ve found amazing support. I’ve changed, grown, fallen backward, reached new lows and found my way out of them. I’ve been let down and hurt. I’ve been completely surprised by some folks’ ability to be present with me in my pain. There have been too many “Star Wars” moments to count. There have been oceans of tears, and canyons of laughter. It really, truly has been quite a symphony with all sorts of noisy parts.

There is goodness within the process, those happy triumphs and shifted views. Getting to those points is often a long, emotional and tiresome process. It takes a lot of courage and stamina. Having the right diagnosis and conceptualization is indeed particularly advantageous. These are the things I didn’t know, but I wish I had.

I’ve shared this today in the hope my knowledge may be a guide for others and a reminder to myself. Have my thoughts stirred something in you? Do you have something you’d also like to tell your past self? Please share in the comments.

If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/12/20/4-things-i-wish-i-could-tell-my-younger-self-about-trauma-recovery/feed/ 0 The Difference Between PTSD and C-PTSD (and Why It Matters) https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/12/14/the-difference-between-ptsd-and-c-ptsd-and-why-it-matters/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/12/14/the-difference-between-ptsd-and-c-ptsd-and-why-it-matters/#comments Wed, 14 Dec 2022 18:05:20 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=245535

This article was originally published on The Mighty.

I was sitting on the couch of the therapist I saw over 10 years ago. She had her Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) in her lap, and with my input, she was going over the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was convinced I had it, she was not. Turns out neither of us was wrong and neither of us was right.

As you’ve already guessed from the title, complex PTSD (C-PTSD) is what I’m talking about today. If you haven’t heard of it, you are in good company because, in most parts of North America, it isn’t an official diagnosis just yet. You will find it in the World Health Organization’s (WHO) classifications manual, so that’s very good news.

C-PTSD is similar in some regards compared to PTSD, but there are also some pretty big distinctions. These differences matter a lot for a variety of reasons, and I’d like to spend some time with you to walk through why these differences matter. If I had known this information 10 years ago, my treatment path would likely have been altered and ultimately more helpful. It’s my hope this information can do the same for you.

How is it different and why does it matter?

1. “Complex”

The C sitting in front of C-PTSD is a clear difference, but what does it mean exactly? The trauma associated with PTSD generally refers to a single traumatic event or possibly similar events in a short time frame. Complex refers to the traumas the individual experienced, as being long-standing. Often these occur in childhood, but can also occur during other points in life. Examples could include childhood abuse, living through a time of war, sexual exploitation, domestic violence, neglect, bullying and so forth.

This is an important distinction. For some folks who grew up in a traumatic environment or survived a long time in one, it can feel like in fact it wasn’t “trauma,” but rather it was just “life.” Being given the tools to recognize that this continual distress was not “ordinary,” and that it may have had significant impacts on your mind and body, is often an important first step in treating C-PTSD.

2. Symptoms

Here’s a quick overview of PTSD and C-PTSD (and please note this is merely a summary):

Folks who develop PTSD generally have experienced or witnessed trauma, and have developed disruptive symptoms involving:

  • Reliving aspects of what happened.
  • Alertness or feeling on edge.
  • Avoiding feelings or memories.
  • Challenging beliefs or feelings.
  • Physical complaints, anxiety, depression, changes in the ability to function, and thoughts or actions of self-harm.

Folks with C-PTSD will have experienced longstanding trauma, and will likely have many of the above symptoms and these additional symptoms:

  • Difficulties with controlling emotions.
  • Feeling distrustful toward the world, or a major worldview change.
  • Constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness.
  • Feeling damaged or different from other people.
  • Feeling no one can understand you or what happened.
  • Avoiding relationships, or finding trust difficult.
  • Often experience dissociative symptoms.
  • More frequent physical symptoms and regular suicidal feelings.
  • Another distinction is one made by therapist and author Pete Walker who talks about C-PTSD involving “emotional flashbacks” rather than what would be considered traditional flashbacks. He has a great guide about that available here.

When I look at this list of additional symptoms, I understand why my therapist of 10 years ago didn’t consider PTSD to be a suitable diagnosis for me. It’s not her fault either, as neither of us knew then that C-PTSD existed. I often felt as though I had a “mild” version of PTSD, according to what the books said I should be experiencing, but then had this other part of me that was much more intense that I couldn’t understand.

Around five years ago, I became acquainted with the concept of C-PTSD and I dived into reading about it. I felt a wave of relief and belonging. It matters to me and many others that we have a category to fit into. Likewise, if you take a look at the symptom list for C-PTSD, you’ll see that there are often a lot of feelings of being “alone,” somehow different, or particularly damaged. Therefore, just knowing that there is a name for the disorder, that other people have it, and people are working on ways of treating it, can be quite healing in itself.

3. Treatment

The very first thing I want to say regarding treatment is this: If you have C-PTSD and you have found that treatment thus far in your life has been unhelpful, distressing, confusing, unpredictable or has even made things worse… you aren’t alone and there are probably reasons behind this.

One reason is that it is a new concept, that is not yet widely known or researched. Another reason is that a lot of practitioners may not be properly trained in how to address trauma in any of its forms, let alone when it is complex. Lastly, it is believed by some that some of the treatments normally used for PTSD or other anxiety disorders, could cause further distress, especially if not modified. There is a lot of discussion around the nervous system and dysregulation and how this could impact treatments that were previously assumed would be helpful — but instead may cause the individual (or their nervous system) to shut down or have a negative reaction.

On a positive note, I have noticed that a lot of therapists already follow a lot of the C-PTSD recommendations, often instinctually, without necessarily having been trained to specifically do so. Happily, we are also starting to get some great books, training, podcasts, support groups, and more — and I find that all to be very hopeful and promising! I will leave a small list of some helpful books below.

There are also some new thoughts about what medications might be helpful, and some doctors are starting to experiment with these possibilities. Just recently, my psychiatrist started me on a medication typically used for slowing the heart, but we have found great success in using it to keep my nervous system steady and prevent hypervigilance. I’m not offering that as a suggestion, but rather as an example that things can and do change for the better, in time.

C-PTSD and PTSD do indeed have lots of similarities, but as I’ve outlined here today, there are a variety of distinctions that are important to understand. Recognizing these differences can help with feeling understood, finding the right treatment, and guiding you to getting the support that’s needed. I’ve only scratched the surface of this topic, but I hope it’s been helpful, or you’ve learned something new.

As promised here are a few books you may find useful:

  • “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
  • “The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation” by Deb Dana.
  • “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker.
  • “Healing Trauma: Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body” by Peter A. Levine.
  • “The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole” by Dr. Arielle Schwartz

There are lots of other great books, videos, podcasts, and websites on this topic, so be sure to do some looking around. Please share your favourite resources or other thoughts and ideas you have about this in the comments.

If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.
]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/12/14/the-difference-between-ptsd-and-c-ptsd-and-why-it-matters/feed/ 4 7 Reasons People With Mental Illness Might ‘Disappear’ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/11/07/7-reasons-people-with-mental-illness-might-disappear/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/11/07/7-reasons-people-with-mental-illness-might-disappear/#comments Mon, 07 Nov 2022 17:39:56 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=245256 This article was originally published on The Mighty.

If you’ve decided to read this writing, my guess is you likely have someone in your life who has a mental illness and who also disappears. You might be aware that yes, this vanishing takes place, but perhaps you don’t know why. Conversely, it could be that you are the person who takes flight, and you’d like a little help with finding the words to explain this phenomenon.

Well, never fear, I am here to help with unraveling this mystery. Or at least as the self-proclaimed expert on disappearing acts, I’d like to suggest some themes I’ve noticed are pretty common. So let’s go ahead and get started.

  1. “I don’t have enough energy for other people.”

When folks are mentally unwell, every ounce of energy may be going into the basic activities required for living. It can feel like we have no energy left for anything “extra” like seeing a friend.

  1. “People are better off without me around.”

We may believe that we have nothing to offer, that we have no good qualities, or that no one misses us anyways. Likewise, we may feel like we are too much of a “downer” or will bring down the mood.

  1. “I can’t fulfill societal norms.”

We may feel overwhelmed by the idea of needing to perform in a certain way. Small talk, smiling, making eye contact, and being dressed appropriately. All of this may just be too much for us right now.

  1. “I can’t control my emotions.”

We may be experiencing panic attacks, crying fits, or other things we don’t really want others to see. We may be afraid of “causing a scene,” doing something embarrassing, or that we will be judged or ridiculed.

  1. “I feel embarrassed.”

It could be we haven’t washed our hair for a week, our house may be extremely messy, or perhaps we feel shame that things have “gotten bad again” after being well for a period of time.

  1. “I don’t know what to say.”

We may feel like a broken record, or that we just don’t know how to explain things. Maybe it isn’t typical for someone of our race, gender, etc. to talk about this. Perhaps our memory and concentration are bad and we can’t find our words. Maybe we tried to talk about this in the past and received a bad reaction.

  1. “It’s been too long.”

We may want to reconnect but have decided our absence was too lengthy. We may feel reaching out will be too awkward or that you will have moved on and not be interested in us anymore. We may think you are angry with us or don’t like us.

In truth, I created this list based on my own experience of disappearing because of my mental illnesses and I also included some of the reasons I’ve heard from friends. Like most things in life, the reasons why people disappear can vary and be complex. Your situation may be missing or the explanations may be wrong for your circumstance. That’s OK, simply use it as a guide, and fill in the missing information.

Lastly, I would like to offer some suggestions on how to be helpful to those of us who are “disappearers” as the truth of the matter is we likely do need some human connection.

You can:

  • Continue to invite us to things.
  • Directly tell us you enjoy who we are.
  • Be a low-pressure nonjudgmental friend.
  • Educate yourself on our conditions.
  • Ask us to join you in your errands, encourage us with ours.
  • Send little texts, memes, and
  • Give some space at times if need be.
  • Ask us what we need.
  • And above all else be patient!

Are your reasons for disappearing on this list? Did this help you to understand someone who disappears, or give you an idea of how you may support them? Other thoughts or comments, please share below!

If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/11/07/7-reasons-people-with-mental-illness-might-disappear/feed/ 3 The Simple Question a Crisis Worker Asked Me That Helped Calm My Panic Attack https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/11/the-simple-question-a-crisis-worker-asked-me-that-helped-calm-my-panic-attack/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/11/the-simple-question-a-crisis-worker-asked-me-that-helped-calm-my-panic-attack/#respond Tue, 11 Oct 2022 11:27:27 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=244749 This article was originally published on The Mighty.

My thoughts come at me too quickly, too loudly — it’s as if my mind is shouting. At the same time, my heart is racing and I find it difficult to breathe. I grip the kitchen counter to stop myself from falling over. I am no stranger to panic attacks, so I know what is happening, but this time, it feels different. I cannot see an end in sight, which is what prompts me to remember that I need help.

So I pick up my phone and call my local crisis hotline. As we talk, the woman on the other end asks a question that sounds simple, and yet my spiral stops.

While not all of my panic attacks have a reason, in this particular case it did. I’d gotten the news that earlier in the day, my friend was admitted to the hospital, due to a mental health emergency. I’d seen them the day before, and truthfully they had not been doing well. I had tried to get them some help, but my efforts were not taken seriously.

So when I heard what happened, the news hit me hard. I felt all my organs drop into my feet.  My thoughts raced with questions that I knew had no good answers.

What if I’d tried harder? Was it my fault? Would my friend be OK? What did this mean?

On and on this went until I discovered I was barely breathing.

After I called the crisis line, the above is exactly what I repeated through tears and haggard breathing. I was a long way into reciting my unanswerable questions when I was gently interrupted. The voice on the line asked:

“What is true right now?”

This question had an immediate calming effect on me, and together we found the answers.

It was true right now that:

My friend was safe, getting treatment, and being supported.

I’d tried my best, I cared for my friend to the best of my ability, and I could still be for them there now.

And this is where my phone call ended. I experience complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), anxiety, and depression — and due to these disorders, I have emotional flashbacks, panic attacks, triggers, and other similar mental spirals.  Ever since I made that phone call, “what is true right now” has been a question that I try to remember in moments of worry. I’m not always successful at recalling it, but when I do, I find it usually helps.

This question isn’t magic, and like most things, it won’t work for all people or every situation. Even in my own case, if I’m too far down the spiral it can be hard to muster the brain power needed to do a lot of thinking. In the case that I can’t think my way through something, using my senses to ground is often a good start for me. I’ve also since learned that the questions “What can I do right now?” and “What help do I need to do it?” can be beneficial in a similar way. I hope these questions may be useful for you too.

Have you ever been asked a simple question that helped to stop a panic attack or spiral? What was it and why did it help? What do you think about my phrase? I’d love to hear your thoughts, so be sure to leave them below, and let’s chat!

If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/11/the-simple-question-a-crisis-worker-asked-me-that-helped-calm-my-panic-attack/feed/ 0 What I Needed to Hear to Begin Healing My Inner Critic https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/05/what-i-needed-to-hear-to-begin-healing-my-inner-critic/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/05/what-i-needed-to-hear-to-begin-healing-my-inner-critic/#comments Wed, 05 Oct 2022 12:12:18 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=243934 This article was originally published on The Mighty.

There is a therapy trick that I’m willing to bet you’ve heard of. It’s a popular technique used to quiet down negative self-talk, a type of reframing called “naming.” Basically, you give your inner critic a name with the intention of reducing its power over you.

Some therapists might take it one step further by encouraging you to reimagine your inner critic as someone you are not a fan of. Then when that voice gets noisy, you go ahead and tell them off.

It might sound something like this:

Inner Critic:  No one likes you.

You: You know what *politician that I hate* no one likes you, I on the other hand, am awesome. So shut your face.

Commence healing.

As I mentioned, this is a popular tactic that works nicely for a lot of folks, and if you’re one of them that’s great. Sadly though, it doesn’t work for everyone, myself included. Indeed, it typically makes me feel even worse. So…

It was exactly what I needed to hear when I found out that my inner critic is trying to keep me safe. Allow me to explain.

This is a viewpoint that I’ve only come across recently, and I’ll be the first to admit that it can sound a little strange at first. It’s worth trying to understand, at least it was for me! Truthfully, this concept has brought me a sense of relief and it’s improved my ability to be compassionate toward myself. I think there’s good reason for this.

I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD,)  which is something I’m constantly trying to understand better. As I’ve learned more about this disorder, I found out that having a loud inner critic is a common problem for individuals with C-PTSD. Naturally, I wanted to know why.

There are a variety of theories about this, some of which feel like common sense. One idea is that in situations of chronic trauma or abuse, there is very likely to be constant negative messages and these eventually turn into similar self-talk. That seems obvious.

Yet there is another idea that I find fascinating, the idea that the critical inner voice may be a misguided attempt at protecting oneself. For example, if I think I’m the worst person in the world, then maybe others will too, and if so, maybe I’ll be left alone so no one can hurt me. Or… I’m the one that’s fundamentally “wrong and bad” (not the abusers), meaning that if I could just magically change myself then perhaps I’ll no longer be harmed. Yet the perfect version of me doesn’t happen, so I’m trash. Whoa that tracks… and also ouch.

It’s no wonder that telling off that voice didn’t feel all that great, it was already speaking to me out of a place of deep pain. Piling on more anger, blame, and shame was never going to help. I could never get the true message, and it was one I needed to hear: I’m trying to protect you.

I continue to learn what it means to show this voice compassion, but the longer I try, the better I am getting at it — and it does cause things to shift. Now instead of telling that voice to shut up, I try my best to have a kind conversation with it. This sounds a lot different.

Inner Critic: You are too much of a loser to get out the door.

Me: What are you afraid of?

Inner Critic: I’m afraid to go to this new yoga class because I don’t know anyone there and what if they are dangerous?

Me: That’s a valid concern, but you know what? I’m an adult now. If class doesn’t go well, I’ll simply leave. In the past through no fault of my own, I couldn’t always do this, but now I can. I will keep us safe.

Inner Critic: OK.

Commence actual healing.

Not all these conversations with myself are quite that smooth, happen quickly, and they can take a bit of thinking. Sometimes I need to pick things apart with the help of my therapist, a friend, or I sort it out myself. And yes I also occasionally continue down my self-hatred spiral, but it’s happening less. I will keep getting better, even with setbacks, and I’m proud of that.

Have you tried the technique of naming your inner critic? Was it helpful to you or did you find it caused additional problems? What do you think about the idea that this voice is trying to protect you? Do you think it would work to try and understand this with compassion? Other thoughts or comments, leave them below!

If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/05/what-i-needed-to-hear-to-begin-healing-my-inner-critic/feed/ 12 The Flow Chart I Made That Helps Me When I’m Triggered https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/16/the-flow-chart-i-made-that-helps-me-when-im-triggered/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/16/the-flow-chart-i-made-that-helps-me-when-im-triggered/#comments Fri, 16 Sep 2022 11:40:24 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=243936 This article was originally published on The Mighty.

I have a well-worn neural pathway in my brain.

My mind sprints down this pathway when it notices my body is acting weird.

I quickly go from “hmm something seems off” to “I am in mortal peril right now.”

This experience is much deeper than the often joked about Google search that begins with a hangnail and ends with a life-threatening disease. This direct line has to do with my past trauma and experience with C-PTSD.

I often feel triggered by the prospect of having to deal with the medical system, which is something I find difficult. So when I notice an ailment, my mind zooms towards the fact that I might need medical care — and goes directly to I’m dying right this second. This pathway also shows up in situations not related to my health.

I’m aware that it’s not rational, but it feels real to me. When I’m in it, my nervous system makes sure of this. My heart races, I forget to breathe, and my mind fixates on the problem at hand. The bigger picture details become hard for me to see. It’s a trauma response that is meant to keep me safe, something that likely was helpful in the past but no longer serves me.

A few weeks ago I found myself in this mental space. It lasted for a few days and during that time I felt alone and afraid. Then for no particular reason I had a moment of clarity, and said to myself, oh yeah, this is your trauma talking. I then wondered what I could do or create that would remind me that this response sometimes surfaces.

I love making little graphics, and so I decided to make this flow chart.

As you can see, I’m also a fan of using a bit of quirky dark humor. In my case, I find a little laughter can interrupt that part of my brain that is laser focused on one small aspect of who I am or what I’m experiencing. I chuckled a bit as I made this and it still brings me a smile.

Since making it, I have indeed pulled it up a few times when that old neural pathways’ been activated. Even remembering to so in that state is a win in my books, and yep, it actually does work.

Am I really going to die this second? Probably not, and if I am I should probably go to the ER.

It’s practical, a little bit funny, and most importantly, it calms me down. If you think something like this could help you, feel free to take a screenshot or even create something similar with the wording that will speak to you.

Have you ever noticed that when you are triggered your mind tends to quickly go down certain roads? Would having a chart or similar graphic be a helpful reminder to you? Have you ever tried using something like this? Tell me in the comments below.

If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/09/16/the-flow-chart-i-made-that-helps-me-when-im-triggered/feed/ 2 How I’m Learning to Live in the ‘Middle Place’ for My Mental and Physical Health https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/08/17/how-im-learning-to-live-in-the-middle-place-for-my-mental-and-physical-health/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/08/17/how-im-learning-to-live-in-the-middle-place-for-my-mental-and-physical-health/#respond Wed, 17 Aug 2022 17:09:41 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=243931 This article was originally published on The Mighty.

I have two modes of operation.

Either I run at 125% or total collapse.

Both ways of existing have their place, and I’m rather skilled at each. Yet in truth, this is not very healthy, and so I’m trying to figure out something new.

I’m learning to live in the middle place.

I function at these two opposites for a variety of reasons, but in my opinion, the biggest contenders are the trauma I experienced in my past and depression.

Through decades of therapy and my own internal work, I’ve discovered that my nervous system is regularly running the show. As a person with complex post-traumatic stress syndrome (CPTSD), my nervous system tends to go about doing things in a way that worked for past survival. Depression also factors in, particularly when it comes to lack of motivation and anhedonia.

I view collapse as a way to escape. I am able to forget the world, I dissociate, stress disappears, and I function on autopilot. Before you say that sounds awesome, it also involves getting nothing done, staring at walls, and losing my connection to other humans and my emotions. I don’t do this consciously, though I’m getting better at recognizing it.

On the flip side, the 125% overachiever is the great conquerer of all things. This “me” gets shit done… no matter the personal cost. I’m awesome when faced with a crisis. Sometimes this place feels good, it can come with an adrenaline rush, and I might experience some pride over accomplishments. Yet, in a somewhat similar way to collapse, I shut down a lot of my emotions, I rarely accept help, and I even forget about my basic human needs. A lengthy stay in this place inevitably leads me back to 0%.

I now recognize that learning to live in the middle place is important for my mental and physical health. Yet this hasn’t been an easy lesson, and I suspect this may be a life-long goal.

A visual that I came up with that helps me with this is the difference between a light switch and a dimmer. A light switch is either on or off, a dimmer is customizable to the situation. This flexibility is more in line with how I’d like to function.

When I find myself in collapse, I try to ask myself what I could do that would put me at a gentle 10-25%.  Often this ends up being some simple housekeeping, connecting with a friend, or spending a few minutes with a hobby. As the overachiever, I try to remind myself that burning too bright is also a problem. Remedying this might look like going to bed instead of continuing with a project, scheduling time for breaks and self-care, and seeking out the support of friends and professionals.

As I find my way to the middle place I’ve also learned that a component within this is an acceptance that I won’t always get it right. It makes sense to me that in the middle place there isn’t even a true “right or wrong,” but rather a variety of options to choose from. That sounds more sustainable, and that’s why I’m trying to learn how to live here.

Do you find that you operate in a similar way, either totally on or totally off? How have you worked at finding balance, or what does your middle place look like? Other thoughts or ideas, please share them below!

If you’d like to follow along with my journey, you can find me on Instagram as @mentalhealthyxe.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/08/17/how-im-learning-to-live-in-the-middle-place-for-my-mental-and-physical-health/feed/ 0