Milena "Mila" Stankovic | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org The Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research Tue, 14 Jan 2025 14:08:24 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://cptsdfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/cropped-Daily-Recovery-Support-Globe-iPad-Fav-32x32.png Milena "Mila" Stankovic | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org 32 32 The Holiday Blues: Why the End of the Year is Emotionally Challenging and How to Cope? https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/01/14/the-holiday-blues-why-the-end-of-the-year-is-emotionally-challenging-and-how-to-cope/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/01/14/the-holiday-blues-why-the-end-of-the-year-is-emotionally-challenging-and-how-to-cope/#respond Tue, 14 Jan 2025 14:08:24 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987499545 The holiday season often brings a mix of joy and stress, but for millions, it can trigger feelings of sadness, loneliness, and isolation. 

An estimated 14% of adults experience “holiday blues” each year, with symptoms ranging from irritability and guilt to nostalgia and profound sadness. 

These feelings are often heightened by the pressure to appear happy, social, and generous while navigating complex family dynamics or memories of past traumas.

For those struggling with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), depression, or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), the season can feel overwhelming. 

The STAR Network recognizes how tough this time of year can be and offers free peer-to-peer support through TAR Anon™ meetings, creating a safe, supportive space to help you cope with these challenges.

In the following lines, we will talk more about the holiday blues and how you can start your healing journey. 

Why are the Holidays Difficult?

The end of the year is fraught with unique stressors, including:

  1. High Expectations – Social media, advertisements, and societal norms perpetuate the idea that the holidays should be a time of endless joy, generosity, and connection. For those struggling emotionally, this expectation can feel like an impossible standard to meet.
  2. Overwhelming Schedules – Packed calendars of family events, gift-giving, and financial strain can leave individuals feeling physically and emotionally depleted.
  3. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – For many, the shorter days and colder weather exacerbate depressive symptoms. Common symptoms of SAD include persistent low mood, lethargy, irritability, and feelings of worthlessness.
  4. Isolation and Grief – Many face the holidays without loved ones, either due to estrangement, loss, or other painful circumstances. The season’s emphasis on togetherness often magnifies feelings of loneliness.
  5. Past Trauma – The holidays can serve as a painful reminder of past abuses or unresolved family conflicts, making it especially difficult for those recovering from trauma.

Build a Support System with STAR Network

You don’t have to face the holiday blues alone. STAR Network offers free weekly TAR Anon™ meetings designed to support individuals dealing with toxic relationships, parental alienation, and other life challenges. 

These peer-to-peer support groups provide a safe, neuroregulated space where you can connect with others who truly understand what you’re going through.

Why Join TAR Anon™?

  • Shared Experience: Connect with others who have faced similar struggles.
  • Practical Tools: Learn coping strategies and self-care practices to navigate the holidays.
  • Empowerment: Build resilience and find hope as you take steps toward healing.

Their community is here to help you move from surviving to thriving, even during the toughest times of the year.

Simple Ways to Be Kind to Yourself

While navigating holiday stress, it’s essential to prioritize your well-being. Here are a few tips to help you cope:

  • Set Boundaries: Politely decline events or commitments that feel overwhelming.
  • Practice Self-Compassion: Let go of perfectionism and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel how you feel.
  • Focus on Small Joys: Schedule time for activities that nourish your spirit, such as walking in nature, journaling, or listening to music.
  • Connect with Community: Joining a supportive group like TAR Anon™ can remind you that you’re not alone.

You Are Not Alone

If the holiday season is a struggle, remember that STAR Network is here to help. Their TAR Anon™ meetings offer a judgment-free space to share, heal, and rebuild your strength. 

Whether you’re feeling isolation, grief, or the weight of family expectations, their community can help you find light in the darkness.

To learn more and join a free support group, visit STAR Network.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/01/14/the-holiday-blues-why-the-end-of-the-year-is-emotionally-challenging-and-how-to-cope/feed/ 0 Every Monday at 7 PM EST Join TAR Meetings to Recover From Toxic Abusive Relationships! https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/02/23/every-monday-at-7-pm-est-join-tar-meetings-to-recover-from-toxic-abusive-relationships/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/02/23/every-monday-at-7-pm-est-join-tar-meetings-to-recover-from-toxic-abusive-relationships/#respond Fri, 23 Feb 2024 10:54:11 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987488121 Have you ever been manipulated by a loved one? Have you ever felt used and abused? Have you ever suffered at a toxic worksite? Have you avoided family gatherings due to harmful family members? Have you been a victim of narcissistic abuse? Did you or your child(ren) experience parental alienation?

​If you answered in the affirmative to any of these questions, then unfortunately you’ve experienced TAR – a toxic abusive relationship.

What is a toxic abusive relationship?

A toxic relationship is – at the very least – harmful. Some signs of a toxic relationship are blatant and obvious — physical abuse, repeated infidelity, inappropriate sexual behavior — but other traits are more difficult to detect. Disrespect, dishonesty, and controlling behavior are some of the hidden hallmarks of abuse. Examples of these behaviors include your partner frequently cutting you down, questioning your decisions, criticizing your choices of friends, and keeping you away from people who support and advocate for you. As a result, your mental health will suffer, as depression and anxiety result in self-isolation. Your abuser becomes your only ally, and they wouldn’t have it any other way.

While a relationship does not have to involve abuse to be considered toxic, all abusive relationships are toxic. This abuse can manifest in many ways, including emotional, verbal, economic, sexual, and physical. To clarify:

  • Your partner tries – and mostly succeeds – to possess and control you.
  • Your manager threatens to cut your pay and constantly criticizes your work.
  • People that you thought were in your corner accuse you of not fighting enough for your marriage.
  • Your partner calls you names and publicly humiliates you.

If you’re experiencing any type of abuse, please understand that you don’t deserve to live that way. Reach out for support immediately.

It’s Hard to Leave a Toxic Abusive Relationship

Sometimes it seems impossible to break free of toxic relationship patterns.  People might feel trapped financially or worry about their children. Here are a few reasons why people find it difficult to get out of a toxic relationship:

  • In abusive relationships, one partner is likely to be extremely manipulative towards the other. This manipulation frequently involves making physical, emotional, or financial threats if the other person talks about leaving. As a result, the victim might be afraid to leave their partner.
  • For couples who have children together, it’s challenging to leave because of the perceived negative impact on the children. There may also be concerns about custody.
  • There may be lingering feelings of love – regardless of the level of abuse – keeping someone in a relationship.
  • If one partner is financially dependent on the other, that could complicate the logistics involved in leaving.

How to Leave a Toxic Abusive Relationship

  • Build a safety net. If you’re thinking of calling it quits, make a plan for how you are going to deal with the transition. Where will you stay? What possessions will you need to bring? Don’t do this haphazardly. This process should be well thought out.
  • Let someone know your plans.  Confide in a family member or friend so that they can help you with the process. If you feel threatened, inform the local authorities that you are going to need help.
  • Seek professional help. Leaving and recovering from a toxic relationship will take effort and time. Reach out to support groups or counselors experienced in relationship issues. A therapist can be a great resource to guide you and hold you accountable for creating and meeting your goals. An experienced family law attorney will also be necessary if you’re leaving a marriage.

The mission of TAR Network™ is to stop – and keep from getting worse – the pandemic of narcissistic abuse around the world. We are here to help you heal and recover from TAR.

The onset of a New Year gives us all a perfect opportunity to reflect on personal growth and set resolutions for positive change. If you’re involved in a toxic abusive relationship (TAR), setting boundaries and self-improvement will be challenging, but taking this journey for your emotional and physical health will definitely be worthwhile.

The start of a New Year can also inspire us to reflect on what we want out of the year ahead and craft a plan to achieve those personal goals.

We hope that you will consider – and make part of your recovery plan – accepting our invitation to participate in a brand new meeting offered by Dr. Jamie Huysman, Founder and Executive Director of TAR Network™.  This psychoeducational experience will provide guidance for everyone who has and continues to suffer from the effects of TAR.  Dr. Jamie will provide you with the tools you need to overcome and heal from TAR in the upcoming year, in addition to teaching you to protect yourself and your loved ones from TAR in the various spheres of your life.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/02/23/every-monday-at-7-pm-est-join-tar-meetings-to-recover-from-toxic-abusive-relationships/feed/ 0 Learn To Break the Cycle of Toxic Parenting https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/25/learn-to-break-the-cycle-of-toxic-parenting/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/25/learn-to-break-the-cycle-of-toxic-parenting/#respond Tue, 25 Jul 2023 05:07:47 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=249071 Toxic parenting can have a devastating impact on children’s growth and development, and it’s a cycle that can be difficult to break.

Toxic parents exhibit harmful behavior towards their children, such as neglect, abuse, or manipulation. The consequences of toxic parenting can be long-lasting and affect a child’s mental and emotional well-being. Parents must identify the signs of toxic parenting and take steps to break the cycle.

In this blog post, I will discuss the signs of toxic parenting and guide parents to break the cycle of toxic parenting.

I wish to explore practical strategies parents can use to create a healthy and safe environment for their children.

By identifying the signs of toxic parenting and taking action, parents can provide their children with the support and guidance they need to thrive.

What Are The Signs of Toxic Parenting?

Signs of a toxic parent are certain behaviors in parenting that can be emotionally damaging to children. These behaviors include overprotectiveness/over-control, constant criticism/belittling, guilt-tripping/emotional blackmail, lack of boundaries/privacy invasion, neglect/indifference, and gaslighting/manipulation.

Below I explain each behavior.

Overprotectiveness or over-control: Overprotective or overcontrolling describes parents who micromanage their children’s lives, do not allow them to decide for themselves, and do not let them experience natural consequences. This behavior may lead to children who cannot make their own decisions or develop self-confidence.

Constant criticism or belittling: This behavior involves parents who frequently criticize their children and make them feel inadequate or unworthy, leading to low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.

Guilt-tripping or emotional blackmail: Guilt-tripping or emotional blackmail involves parents who use guilt or manipulation to get their children to do what they want. This can lead to children who feel responsible for their parent’s happiness and cannot set boundaries.

Lack of boundaries or privacy invasion: This behavior involves parents who do not respect their children’s boundaries or privacy, which may cause children to feel violated and unable to trust others.

Neglect or indifference: Parents who are emotionally or physically unavailable to their children are neglectful or indifferent. This behavior can lead to children who feel neglected, unloved, and unsupported.

Gaslighting or manipulation: This behavior involves parents who distort reality or manipulate their children’s emotions to maintain control. Children who grow up in such an atmosphere may doubt their own perceptions and feel confused, anxious, and insecure.

What Is The Impact of Toxic Parenting on Children?

Toxic parenting can have both short-term and long-term effects on children. Children with a toxic father or a mother with toxic parent traits may experience short-term effects such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and difficulty with emotional regulation. They may also struggle with relationships at school and with peers as well as with authority figures.

In the long term, children of toxic parents may continue to struggle with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex ptsd. They may have difficulty forming healthy relationships and struggle with trust and intimacy. Sometimes, they may repeat patterns of toxic behavior with their own children.

Toxic parenting can also lead to a lack of self-care, self-love, and self-respect, further perpetuating negative relationships and mental health problems. It’s crucial for individuals who have experienced toxic parenting to seek support in healing and building healthy relationships.

Therapy and support groups can be helpful resources in this healing process.

Avoid Toxic Parenting!

To avoid toxic parenting, it’s essential to recognize and acknowledge toxic behavior, set healthy boundaries and respect your child’s autonomy, practice open communication and active listening, work on your own emotional issues and triggers, and seek help from a professional if necessary.

Recognize and acknowledge toxic behavior: This process involves being aware of your own behavior and how it may impact your child. Pay attention to patterns of overprotectiveness, criticism, guilt-tripping, lack of boundaries, neglect, and gaslighting. Acknowledge when you make mistakes and take responsibility for your actions.

Set healthy boundaries and respect your child’s autonomy: This process involves respecting your child’s privacy and individuality, allowing them to make age-appropriate decisions, and not using them as emotional support or treating them as an extension of yourself. It also involves setting clear rules and consequences and enforcing them consistently.

Practice open communication and active listening: This process involves actively listening to your child’s concerns and feelings without judgment and responding with empathy and respect. It also includes being open and honest with your child about your own thoughts and feelings.

Work on your own emotional issues and triggers: This process involves identifying and addressing your own emotional issues, such as past trauma or unresolved conflicts, and seeking support from a therapist or counselor if necessary. It also means being aware of your own triggers and how they may impact your interactions with your child.

Seek help from a professional if necessary: If you are struggling to break toxic patterns or are experiencing significant emotional difficulties, you may benefit from seeking support from a mental health professional. A professional can provide guidance and support in developing healthier parenting strategies and addressing underlying emotional issues.

In conclusion, toxic parenting can have severe negative impacts on children, but such parenting can be avoided by recognizing harmful behavior, setting healthy boundaries, practicing open communication, working on emotional issues, and seeking professional help if necessary.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/25/learn-to-break-the-cycle-of-toxic-parenting/feed/ 0 How to Heal From A Toxic Childhood https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/19/how-to-heal-from-a-toxic-childhood/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/19/how-to-heal-from-a-toxic-childhood/#respond Wed, 19 Jul 2023 09:57:28 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=249064 Even though we like to feel that our past is behind us and our childhood relationships are just memories, our character and worldview today can be greatly shaped by how we were brought up.

Our childhood experiences hold even more power over our present selves when we had experienced toxic relationships. Whether it has been our mother, father, siblings, or extended family, our childhood wounds can cut very deep, taking a large amount of conscious effort to heal.

What are toxic childhood relationships?

Below are just a few of the characteristics of a toxic childhood.

  • You were always compared to your siblings or cousins’ successes
  • People compared how you look constantly. “You’re fatter than your so-and-so, or you’re shorter than so-and-so.”
  • You were not allowed to have an opinion on any matter, including decisions regarding your life. If you spoke up, you were seen as “disrespectful.”
  • You were support for an adult, even though you are still a child going through your own difficulties. For example, your mother often confided in you due to your father’s infidelity or physical abuse.
  • You were expected to give everything for your family, even if that meant sacrificing your own mental health and well-being.
  • Whenever someone said that they didn’t like you, you were told that it was your fault for being undesirable.

How does a toxic relationship from childhood manifest in your life?

I’ve had a toxic childhood. Thus the above signs hit home. If we don’t resolve these issues from the past, they will haunt us in our adulthood (for life.)

  • You always feel like you’re giving too much in a relationship. You feel an emotional burden.
  • You are overly intimidated by authority and unable to communicate your needs.
  • You feel like you’re always too skinny or too fat.
  • You always second-guess your own opinions or feel like your opinions don’t matter.
  • You constantly seek validation from others.
  • Other people are seen as a competition rather than a support.
  • Feeling that you are only valued if you prove that you offer something materialistic to a relationship
  • The constant need to be praised by others
  • A strong feeling that you’re never worthy enough or that your success is never satisfying enough
  • Not feeling loved no matter what you do and no matter what your partner does.
  • Viewing any kind of feedback as criticism and taking it as a personal attack.
  • Seeing any sign of vulnerability in yourself is an unforgivable weakness.

How can you heal from harmful childhood relationships?

Below are some tips that will help with your healing journey. But this journey, remember can take years if not forever.

  • Think about some toxic behaviors you have been exhibiting to others and yourself, and list them down. Be aware of them.
  • Give yourself permission to let things go. You may not have the perfect parents or siblings, and it’s no fault of yours, let it go.
  • Grieve if you wish to, for the relationships with parents or siblings that you wished you had.
  • Forgive yourself for those toxic behaviors; we are humans after all. We don’t get to be perfect or right all the time.
  • Accept your rights to believe, respect, and to love yourself.
  • Be kind to yourself even when you feel that you don’t deserve it.

Healing from traumatic or toxic childhood relationships takes a lot of reflective work. We often internalize our parent’s talk and treatment as we grow up. To push back against what we have learned about ourselves is to fight against our automatic tendencies.

Often working with a professional counselor can help you recognize and reshape your automatic negative thought processes and embody a more positive, self-validating worldview. Healing takes time and practice.

But with patient effort, recovery, and change is very possible!

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/19/how-to-heal-from-a-toxic-childhood/feed/ 0 Is it Okay to be Toxic Positive in Serious Illness Support? https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/13/is-it-okay-to-be-toxic-positive-in-serious-illness-support/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/13/is-it-okay-to-be-toxic-positive-in-serious-illness-support/#respond Thu, 13 Jul 2023 16:47:01 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=249055 We live in a world that values positivity and optimism.

While these qualities can be beneficial, toxic positivity can have negative consequences — especially for those dealing with serious illnesses.

Toxic positivity is the idea that individuals should only focus on positive emotions and avoid negative emotions at all costs. This mentality can be harmful, particularly for those with serious illnesses.

How Toxic Positivity Affects Patients with Serious Illnesses

Toxic positivity can be harmful to patients who may feel pressured to always stay optimistic, even when they are facing difficult and challenging circumstances.

Let’s explore some ways toxic positivity can affect patients facing serious illnesses.

  1. Invalidation of Feelings

When people with serious illnesses are told to “think positive,” it can have the effect of invalidating their feelings.

It is common for people with serious illnesses to experience negative emotions such as fear, sadness, and anger. Telling them to “just be positive” can dismiss these emotions and make them feel like their feelings are not valid or important. This can lead to feelings of isolation and detachment, which can make the illness feel even more overwhelming.

  1. Pressure to Be Positive

Toxic positivity can also create a sense of pressure on patients with serious illnesses to maintain a positive attitude at all times.

This pressure can make them feel like they are failing if they are not constantly upbeat and optimistic. In addition, constantly focusing on being positive can be exhausting and unrealistic, which can lead to burnout and emotional exhaustion.

  1. Minimization of Illness

Another way toxic positivity affects patients with serious illnesses is by minimizing the severity of their illness.

By suggesting that positivity alone can cure or ease the symptoms of a serious illness, the reality of the patient’s condition can be trivialized. This can lead to patients feeling like they are not being taken seriously or that their illness is not being acknowledged. This can be especially harmful when a patient’s condition is not improving, as it can make them feel like they are failing to “get better” because they are not positive enough.

  1. Lack of Empathy

Toxic positivity can also create a lack of empathy toward patients with serious illnesses.

People who are constantly trying to maintain a positive attitude may not fully understand the pain and suffering of someone with a serious illness. This lack of empathy can cause patients to feel unsupported and isolated, which can be detrimental to their mental and emotional well-being.

  1. Lack of Necessary Care

When a patient or their caregiver feels pressure to focus on the positive, they may turn a blind eye to the signs that additional care and support is needed. By not taking advantage of the right care at the right time, caregivers can become overwhelmed and patient care can suffer.

While positivity and optimism are valuable qualities, they can become toxic when they are used to invalidate, pressure, or minimize the experiences of patients with serious illnesses.

It is important to recognize and acknowledge the full range of emotions that patients with serious illnesses may experience and provide them with the space and support to express those feelings. By doing so, we can create a more empathetic and supportive environment that values the complex emotional experiences of those with serious illnesses and ensures they receive the care and support they need.

If you or a loved one are dealing with a serious illness, it is important to seek resources and support that acknowledge the full range of emotions that may arise during this difficult time.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/13/is-it-okay-to-be-toxic-positive-in-serious-illness-support/feed/ 0 Signs You Have a Toxic Sibling(s) (And how to deal with them) https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/11/signs-you-have-a-toxic-siblings-and-how-to-deal-with-them/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/11/signs-you-have-a-toxic-siblings-and-how-to-deal-with-them/#comments Tue, 11 Jul 2023 15:20:58 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=249050 Ah siblings. As kids, maybe you shared toys, built elaborate pillow-and-blanket forts in the living room, and banded together against your parents’ “tyrannical” rule. With age, you became sounding boards and confidants.

In fact, just thinking about your brother or sister has you feeling all the feels.

If this describes your sibling relationship, count yourself lucky. Not all brothers and sisters are built-in-best friends. In fact, many people cut ties with family members, and some are even estranged from a sibling specifically.

No, we aren’t just talking about the occasional ribbing or yelling match, but toxic patterns of behavior that cause upheaval in your life.

These patterns can include bullying, ridiculing, manipulating, dismissing, ignoring, and even being physically intimidating or abusive, explains Dr. Jamie a trauma-certified therapist. “If you feel fearful or on guard, or as if you’re often the target of that sibling’s anger or the butt of their jokes, you’re likely responding to toxic behavior.”

One need only look at the relationship between Prince William and Harry — rife with accusations of physical attacks, planted media stories, and more — to see what some of these patterns might look like playing out in real life, and how they can wreak havoc on a sibling relationship.

Having bad blood with your siblings not only hurts, but it can also mean missing out on the positive effects brothers and sisters can have on everything from academic achievement to empathy to mental health.

How do toxic sibling relationships begin?

Sibling relationships fall into toxic behavior patterns for many reasons: traumatic experience, mental health challenges, familial or environmental “conditioning,” unresolved emotions, lack of empathy, and low self-esteem, says Dr. Jamie, a trauma-certified therapist.

“I hate to put so much pressure on families,” adds Dr. Jamie “but that’s where you learn how to relate to people and interact with one another.”

Noting that people are often products of their environment. “Toxic behaviors often emerge when a child’s needs aren’t met by parents who might be controlling, neglectful, inattentive, or openly favor one child over others,” Dr. Jamie says.

“Parents’ behaviors may leave children competing for parents’ time, attention and ultimately, love.” Within these interactions, Dr.Jamie says, “Children have learned that there’s only a certain acceptable version of themselves, and that version gets their needs met.”

For siblings, Dr. Jamie says, “Toxic behaviors can be especially traumatic because of the bonds of shared emotional and developmental experiences that siblings should naturally have.” Unfortunately, when those shared experiences are “poisonous,” they can lead to toxic or negative relationship patterns.

It’s worth noting, however, that people who show toxic behavior aren’t always aware of their toxicity — or how their behavior affects those around them — and aren’t necessarily doing it on purpose, Dr. Jamie says.

Signs you’re dealing with a toxic sibling

So if your relationship is filled with a ton of family drama, it can be harder to reconcile. It can also be a sign of toxicity. Here are five unhealthy patterns to be wary of.

1. They’re overly critical.

“Children that live with criticism learn to condemn, and they start by criticizing their siblings,” Dr. Jamie says. So if your parents doled out biting remarks the way Oprah handed out gifts on The Oprah Winfrey Show, then that approach may also become second nature to your sibling.

No one really knows you like a sibling you’ve grown up with, which means they know exactly which buttons to press to rile you up and unleash all your fury or insecurity. So when they’re constantly picking you apart, pointing out your “flaws,” and hurling sharp criticisms at you, it really stings.

2. They’re manipulative.

At its root, manipulation is an attempt to control, and your sibling can use all kinds of manipulation tactics to get their way. Perhaps they’re always playing the victim, where they can only see their own hardships.

Or they frame a particular incident that makes them look more favorable. It could also be scenario-specific. For instance, maybe when you travel or go out, they’re always guilting you into putting your credit card down for the bill because you make more money.

3. They’re dishonest.

Consider dishonesty as an offshoot of manipulation because your sibling is lying to get their way. Yes, some deceit is natural when you’re young — like fibbing to say they didn’t eat the candy that they clearly did or that they were at the library after school and not with their boyfriend or girlfriend.

But there’s a line that, when crossed, is cause for concern and can be “indicative of a child who grew up in a home where their truth really didn’t have space to breathe,” Dr. Jamie says. Here, “The person learns that in order to be accepted, loved by the family, they have to tell the family what they want to hear,” and thus are never working from a place of honesty.

4. They’re repeat offenders.

It’s one thing to identify toxic behaviors. It’s another if you’ve ID’d said behaviors and brought them to your sibling’s attention and they continue down the same path, anyway.

If the latter is true, that’s a definite red flag. For example, maybe you and your sibling have bimonthly dinner plans, and every time you meet up, they drink copious amounts of alcohol and then berate you.

“Now if it happens one time, you can say, ‘Oh, that person’s having a hard time. They drank too much. They didn’t realize it,’” Dr. Jamie says. “But if that behavior continues to happen, then we know apart from alcoholism, they’re engaging in verbally abusive behavior with their siblings, and using alcohol as a kind of scapegoat.”

5. They’re overly competitive.

Toxicity in sibling relationships can manifest as jealousy and competition and can be rooted in feelings that a parent prefers one child over another. Those relationships can be rife with resentment and prevent strong sibling bonds from being made. They can also pit you against your siblings as you work to outshine them, or vice versa, to garner the recognition you feel you’re missing.

Tips for dealing with and healing from toxic siblings!

Dealing with a toxic sibling can be exhausting. What’s worse, if their behavior isn’t addressed, your self-esteem and mental health can suffer. It could also cause trouble in other relationships as well, including romantic and professional ones. But there are ways to deal with a toxic sibling that can help minimize their negative effects on you and help keep your mental health intact.

1. Express yourself.

If you’d like to work on a toxic sibling relationship, it’s important to create a safe space to have a discussion about your desire to improve your bond and focus on positive communication and conflict resolution skills. Talk about how you feel to emphasize the impact of their behavior, Dr. Jamie says. He suggests offering up just the facts without embellishment or opinion, using phrasing such as:

  • “I’m disappointed that…”
  • “I’m frustrated by…”
  • “It makes me uncomfortable when you…”

Believe it or not, this could be enlightening to your sibling.

“Sometimes people are stuck in behavioral patterns that don’t feel toxic to them because they’ve used them as survival tactics,” Dr. Jamie says. And unless it’s brought to their attention, they don’t know they need to change. Realize, though, that your sibling may not acknowledge or respond to you the way you want.

2. Set boundaries.

Be clear about what you will and won’t do — including what you will and won’t respond to. This way, if your sibling is exhibiting toxic traits, the boundaries help keep the toxicity at arm’s length, but only if you enforce them.

3. Seek professional help.

These days, if you have the means, a therapist is a must, as they can help you deal with all of life’s difficult moments. As far as toxic siblings go, an individual therapist can help support you as you navigate the challenges of a toxic relationship.

And if others in the family are willing, a family therapist can help all of you address and work to overcome systemic issues that contribute to a toxic situation, Dr. Jamie says.

4. Know that it’s OK to walk away.

Ultimately, it’s not necessarily your job to fix your toxic sibling.

Prioritizing yourself, however, is key, and sometimes that means knowing when to walk away. According to Dr. Jamie, you have to recognize “when the cost of sustaining a relationship with a toxic person is more than you are willing to pay.”

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/07/11/signs-you-have-a-toxic-siblings-and-how-to-deal-with-them/feed/ 16 How To Cope With Toxic Parents https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/29/how-to-cope-with-toxic-parents/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/29/how-to-cope-with-toxic-parents/#respond Thu, 29 Jun 2023 16:45:19 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=248867  

What can you do?

Toxic parents are often selfish, manipulative, and neglectful. Growing up with them can be a difficult experience, and it takes time to heal. Fortunately, you can learn how to deal with your toxic parents so you can feel better. Whether you’re still living at home or are out on your own, you can manage your relationship with your parents by detaching from them and setting boundaries. Additionally, you’ll need to work through your feelings and learn to care for yourself.

If it’s not your responsibility, then it’s not!

Avoid taking responsibility for their feelings or needs. Your toxic parent may use guilt to manipulate you into doing what they want. However, you aren’t responsible for making them happy. Don’t do things just to please them or sacrifice what you want to make them happy.

For instance, your mom may expect you to drop what you’re doing and comfort her whenever she’s upset. Don’t feel obligated to do this.

You might say, “I need to finish my homework right now. I’ll come to listen to you when I’m finished.”

You cant change toxic people!

Accept that you cannot change them. While you likely want your parents to start treating you well, it’s not possible to change someone else. The only person you can change is you. Stop trying to get them to change. Instead, focus on what you can do to feel better about the relationship.

Don’t take things personally!

Stop taking what they say to you personally. Your parents may say some really hurtful things to you, and it’s natural to believe what your parents say. However, their hurtful words are really about them, not you. When they say something mean to you, remind yourself that it’s not accurate. Then, tell yourself something nice

As an example, let’s say your dad says, “I can’t believe I have such a lazy child.” While your feelings may be hurt, question the accuracy of what he said. List the reasons why it’s not true, such as “I work hard in school,” “I keep my room clean,” “I do well at my job,” or “I’m pursuing a goal.” Tell yourself something like, “I know I’m not lazy because I work so hard at school.”

Don’t tell them all if they are toxic!

Limit what you tell them about yourself and your life. Your toxic parent may use what you say against you. Instead of confiding in them, talk to someone you can trust, like a friend or relative. Just make sure you pick someone who won’t report what you say to your parents.

Think about an exit strategy.

Plan an exit strategy for when they’re mistreating you. If you live with your parents or spend time with them around the holidays, it’s likely that you’ll encounter a tough situation. Make a plan in advance for how you’ll get away from them. You might make up a story, make other plans, or find somewhere you can go to be alone.

Decide what you will and won’t tolerate.

Reflect on the behaviors that really upset you. Then, make a list of what you won’t accept from your parents anymore, which are your boundaries. Next, set clear consequences for what will happen if your parents violate these boundaries.

Tell your parents about your boundaries.

Your parents won’t know your expectations unless you define them. Explain how you expect them to treat you, and what you won’t tolerate from them. Then, explain the consequences when they violate your boundaries.

Talk to someone!

Reach out to a relative or authority figure if your parent is angry or violent. It may feel impossible to find help, but it’s not okay for your parent to abuse you. This includes both verbal and physical abuse. If your parent gets upset or refuses to leave you alone, get yourself to a safe spot and call someone you can trust. If you feel like there’s no one you can call, tell a trusted teacher, school counselor, or mentor who can help you

Work with a therapist, such as Dr. Jamie Huysman to process your feelings and learn ways to cope. Your therapist can help you identify your feelings and learn how to release them. They’ll teach you mental strategies for improving your life and how you relate to others. Additionally, your therapist will help you learn how to deal with your parents moving forward.

Forgive your parents when you’re ready. Forgiveness is for you, not the person who hurt you. When you’re ready, acknowledge that your parents were wrong but that they’re only human. Accept that the past cannot change, and forgive them for their actions.

Thank you for reading. To share your experiences go here. To visit Dr. Jamie go here.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/29/how-to-cope-with-toxic-parents/feed/ 0 Are You In Toxic Friendship? https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/27/are-you-in-toxic-friendship/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/27/are-you-in-toxic-friendship/#respond Tue, 27 Jun 2023 09:31:41 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=248858 Signs to look out for!

Friends make our lives richer. But every now and again, friendships take more than they give.

You have probably seen examples of toxic friendships in movies or TV shows — for example, Anna Delvey and her “friends” in “Inventing Anna,” or the blockbuster movie “Mean Girls.”

While it’s easy to call out — and criticize — toxic friendships on the silver screen, it’s difficult to identify the warning signs in your own life — especially in a friendship that’s meaningful to you.

Dr. Jamie, a trauma-informed therapist, says to consider if you’ve been feeling depleted, guilty, or inadequate — even if you can think of countless ways you’ve been a good friend to that person.

When you have a deep connection with someone, it’s hard to put your history aside and see your friendship for what it is. Here, read through this list of warning signs to determine if your relationship is doing more harm than good — plus, get expert advice on how and when you should cut ties.

Toxic friendship signs!

They disrespect your boundaries

Communicating boundaries to anyone can be extremely challenging — but it’s even harder if it’s with a friend who continually dismisses them, explained Dr. Jamie.

“Even if you’ve told them you have prior commitments or can’t be available, they’ll still ask for your availability and make you feel guilty for not showing up for them at the time they want.”

They always need something from you

Dr. Jamie said that a toxic friend will always need you at their beck and call, but may not reciprocate. “They’ll ask for favors or ask you to be there, and will guilt trip you if you’re not readily available,” he said.

They may also keep a stock of the things they do for you and use it against you, so they can say things like “I did this for you, why didn’t you do this for me?”

They don’t take accountability

Dr. Jamie stressed that this is the “hallmark of a toxic friendship — typically, a friend who doesn’t take accountability for the way they treat you will apologize in a way that doesn’t acknowledge that their behavior was hurting you. For instance, they may get you a coffee or buy you something instead of apologizing for their behavior and actively vowing to change it.

They may weaponize their struggles

Everyone goes through hardships of many forms in day-to-day life. But, a toxic friend may overstep in asking you to be there for them while going through something tough — and then may weaponize their struggles to manipulate you into doing things for them or spending time with them.

“Once you recognize a pattern of them weaponizing their emotional or mental state to make you feel guilty, you can try to offer concrete examples to them of how you can help, and then set your own boundaries,” he said.

They make you feel guilty for spending time with other people.

Dr. Jamie said that a toxic friend, more than likely, will get jealous and possessive if you’re hanging out with other friends. They might tell you they don’t feel you’re ever there for them if you hang out with other friends — even though you know that you’ve shown up for that person, thus dismissing any effort you’ve put into the relationship.

They dismiss your values

Peer pressure isn’t just an issue that affects younger people — sometimes adults, especially toxic friends, will pressure you into saying or doing.

They ignore your efforts to be a good friend to them

Often in toxic friendships, the toxic person may dismiss your help when you try to give it to them — but will still make you feel obligated to give them help or hand-hold them.

How to deal with toxic friends?

If you feel you’re in a toxic friendship, Dr. Jamie advised that this is a good opportunity to work on building confidence in setting boundaries.

“If a relationship gets to a point where you question your identity, you’re not honoring your values, you’re constantly feeling depleted … it’s time to reevaluate the friendship, and it’s OK to walk away from a friendship like that,” he says.

“Even if you’ve told them you them you have prior commitments or can’t be available, they’ll still ask for your availability and make you feel guilty for not showing up for them at the time they want.”

He said a good way to approach a conversation like something like: “Hey, I wanted to talk to you because I really value our relationship — and when you do X, it makes me feel like Z… I wanted to bring it up so we can move forward with this and make sure we’re showing up for each other in a healthy way.”

If after approaching the conversation in a validating and empathetic way, the person gets defensive and refuses to take any accountability, then that’s an opportunity for you to decide whether you want to keep that friend around, Dr. Jamie said.

Thank you for reading. To share your experiences go here. To visit Dr. Jamie go here.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

 

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/27/are-you-in-toxic-friendship/feed/ 0 Caregiver? How to Protect Yourself from an Abusive Parent https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/21/caregiver-how-to-protect-yourself-from-an-abusive-parent/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/21/caregiver-how-to-protect-yourself-from-an-abusive-parent/#respond Wed, 21 Jun 2023 16:52:54 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=248836 Dr. Jamie, a trauma-certified therapist and our advisor wholeheartedly believes that caregiving has been too reliant on co-dependency as a core issue of compassion fatigue. Many of us care for our dependents: adults, seniors, and children because of genuine love.

Unfortunately, since all childhood experiences are not idyllic, many of us are products of dysfunctional families. No matter how hard we have worked to separate ourselves from the effects of a traumatic past, time dissipates, and we become that wounded child once again.

Taking care of elderly parents (and dependents) can be very emotionally challenging. When parents have failed to care for their children in early life, that challenge can feel impossible.

Too many people were raised by abusive, neglectful, or narcissistic parents. Caregivers find themselves trapped because they believe society expects them to provide care by default. Many feel that they just cannot provide the emotional and physical care their aging parents need without incurring additional trauma and developing CPTSD.

Dr. Jamie defines CPTSD as “When the last ten years of your life, trigger the first ten years of your life.”

Sometimes elderly dependents are so frustrated about getting old, living with chronic pain, forgetting things, etc., they will often project their frustration by criticizing the one caring for them. Out of fear, they turn on the person who lovingly cares for them all the while hoping, at times believing that they will not be left alone no matter how badly they behave.

If a history of mental illness or a personality disorder is in the mix, it is almost guaranteed that the toxic abusive behavior will play out again, making the caregiver, in effect, a prisoner of war.

Dr. Jamie’s expertise speaks to ways there are to manage and begin healing from the devasting effects caused by a toxic dependence. To stem detrimental impact, caregivers must learn to set boundaries, detach from their care receiver, and prioritize their own well-being.

“A caregiver should do their best to not take insults and outbursts personally. When it comes to handling an aging loved one’s abuse, the best option is to remove yourself from the situation,” says Dr. Jamie. “But that’s not always possible, making it common to feel trapped in a caregiving situation, especially an abusive one when hope, love, fear, obligation, guilt, and a misplaced sense of duty compel the primary caregiver to continue seeing to their loved one’s needs,” he warns.

If abusive behavior continues, remove yourself from the situation and make some time for yourself

“Keep your boundaries firmly in place. If abusive behavior continues, remove yourself from the situation and make some time for yourself. This is harder if you and your loved one live together, but there are ways to protect yourself while providing care. Caregivers are empathic, and often it’s hard for them to be strong and resolute. They try to please everyone, no matter the cost.”

Caregivers in high-conflict situations need to know what their options are if they even have any. Sadly, a majority of the U.S. population can’t afford trauma-informed therapy and there are too few well-trained practitioners in this specialized field.

Dr. Jamie has been an expert in the field of caregiving for more than 20 years. He has undergone extensive research and advocates for the treatment of people suffering from the duality of co-dependency (inability to escape the Azkaban) and trauma. This motivated him to establish a nonprofit organization www.tarnetwork.org. At the TAR Network,™  he has developed activities that highlight tools and reinforce those necessary to build emotional resilience, providing caregivers, first responders, and those in other high-conflict relationships a safe place to heal.

For those who lack other resources, there is an affordable solution to start your healing journey now: CPTSD Foundation has developed a program specifically designed for spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, and anyone who is directly involved with a survivor of trauma. To sign up for the program please follow https://cptsdfoundation.org/partners/.

The CPTSD Foundation provides a safe, supportive, and informative place for anyone who is involved in the life of a trauma survivor. Spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, close friends, and colleagues; you can be one step closer to helping a loved one heal from childhood trauma.

Dr. Jamie knows that “Individually we are one drop, collectively we are an ocean.”

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/21/caregiver-how-to-protect-yourself-from-an-abusive-parent/feed/ 0 When Loving Someone in Need of Care Takes a Toll on You https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/09/when-loving-someone-in-need-of-care-takes-a-toll-on-you/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/09/when-loving-someone-in-need-of-care-takes-a-toll-on-you/#respond Fri, 09 Jun 2023 15:58:23 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=248688

How to take care of yourself by still being supportive of a trauma survivor.

When a partner, friend, or family member has complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) it can affect their loved ones. CPTSD isn’t easy to live with and it can take a heavy toll on relationships and family life.

You may be hurt by your loved one’s distance or struggling to understand their behavior.

You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells or even living with a stranger. You may also have to take on a bigger share of household tasks and deal with the frustration of a loved one who won’t open up.

It is even harder when a caregiver is living with some who has CPTSD.  It’s burdensome not to take the symptoms of CPTSD personally. Your loved one’s nervous system is stuck in the fog, in a state of constant alert, making them continually feel vulnerable and unsafe, or have to relive the traumatic experience over and over. This can lead to anger, irritability, depression, mistrust, and other CPTSD symptoms that your loved one can’t simply choose to turn off.

Necessity is the Mother of Invention

I’ve asked Dr. Jamie, an advisory board member who has built his innovative 30-year career on the premise that “Necessity is the Mother of Invention” what are his thoughts on caregiving.

Dr. Jamie has launched a demo nationwide project that focuses on trauma healing in cooperation with the well-respected Polyvagal Institute where he sits on the advisory board along with Gabor Maté M.D. He is WellMed’s Chief Compassion Officer, tasked with moderating physician burnout to name a few. Dr. Jamie co-hosts a regular radio podcast entitled “Caregiver SOS” and is here to support everyone in need.

“With the right support from you and other family and friends, though, your loved one’s nervous system can improve. It’s important to provide social support as it’s common for people with CPTSD to withdraw from family and friends. They may feel ashamed. Knowing how to best demonstrate your love and support for someone with CPTSD isn’t always easy. You can’t force your loved one to get better, but you can play a major role in the healing process by simply spending time together. Always start where the other person is at, not where you would wish them to be.”- says Dr. Jamie.

“If you can let your loved one take the lead, rather than telling them what to do. Everyone with CPTSD is different but most people instinctively know what makes them feel calm and safe,”  adds Dr. Jamie.

It is difficult to see a loved one suffering or struggling, and as a caring partner, your likely response is to try to give more of your time and energy to help your partner.

Partner’s traumatic experience can impact him/her and the carer will likely notice changes in their relationship dynamic as well.

Partners of trauma survivors

Dr. Jamie emphasizes the importance of partners of trauma survivors need to be there for their partners in time of need, but they also must prioritize and attend to their own needs.

“Partners of trauma survivors often experience secondary trauma and might even experience some CPTSD-related symptoms as well. Without extra self-care, the partner of a trauma survivor might find him/herself feeling burned out and burned out towards the relationship. To ensure their own mental health, and be able to best help their partners, it is crucial that partners learn to take care of themselves.”

“What can you do to manage your stress?” – I’ve asked Dr. Jamie.

“First, the calmer, relaxed, and focused you are, the better you’ll be able to help your loved one. Recovery is a process that takes time and often involves setbacks. Secondly, the important thing is to stay positive and maintain support for your loved one and educate yourself about CPTSD, Trauma, and Co-Dependency. The more you know about the symptoms, effects, and treatment options, the better equipped you’ll be to help your loved one, understand what they are going through, and keep things in perspective.

Accept and expect mixed feelings

Accept and expect mixed feelings. As you go through the emotional rollercoaster, be prepared for a complicated mix of feelings—some of which you’ll never want to admit.

Your partner will likely depend on you more while they are dealing with the aftermath of the trauma. However, you also have needs and limitations. If you do not set boundaries with your partner about how you can help, you will find yourself responding in a passive-aggressive way. If you over-give, you will resent your partner and feel angry.

It is unfair to your partner and to your relationship to have unrealistic expectations about what healing should look like and how fast it should occur. The reality is that the process looks different for every trauma survivor and their caregiver.”

There are many affordable resources such as CODA meets and group works where you can speak with other caregivers. CPTSD Foundation has launched a Trauma-Informed Partners Program that would provide you with tools on how to care for yourself while caring for others.

“Partners of trauma survivors need to engage in self-care and set appropriate boundaries with their partner to prevent burnout, and best help their partner, themselves, and their families. Trauma is a fact of life. But it doesn’t, however, have to be a life sentence.” – concludes Dr. Jamie.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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