• Gaslighting of the child(ren)
• Covert (sometimes overt) narcissistic abuse
• Denigration
• False claims
• Limiting and/or cutting communication

• The child may choose to break away from their abuser, and;
• Have the daunting task of reestablishing their relationship with a parent who has become a stranger to them

Paul Michael Marinello

Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.

Those days have come to an end.

It is unnatural for a child to reject a loving parent in the absence of abuse, trauma, or neglect.

This simple yet practical behavior was steadfastly rooted in the guilt, grief, and shame that clouds an alienated parent’s mind. Opening oneself to those conversations epitomized a fight or flight trigger – neither of which was a healthy choice. The guilt of tragically losing a child who is still alive but is abused to believe the targeted parent has no value in their life. The grief of the loss – where a loving relationship once stood became emptiness. The shame that somehow the mistakes I had made as a parent had some negative effect on my child’s life led to the death of the parent/child relationship. Then there is the unspoken trauma that burns like midnight oil when I’m trying to sleep – how are others judging me? It is unnatural for a child to reject a loving parent in the absence of abuse, trauma, or neglect.

I suffered for months with the agony that no parent ever expects. Something so foreign and strange. Something irreversible. 

I had known in the past, through a series of actions and behaviors from the alienating parent, that maintaining a solid relationship with my daughter was the most important thing I could foster. I did believe that the bond was unbreakable despite clearly seeing patterns of abuse, parental alienation, and covert narcissism oozing from the alienating parent. This was not slow and progressive like sap from a tree. This narcissistic abuse flowed like a levee breach – inundating all aspects of the narcissist’s life – and everyone in it.

Make no mistake. I am an alienated parent, and I have suffered significant loss. However, I have chosen to use that loss to take action and help as many people in the alienated community as possible—one conversation at a time.

Over the years, I have learned two essential truths:

1. There is absolutely nothing I could have said or done to stop my child from being alienated from me;
2. The only way to live my best life is to discuss the taboo subject it is openly

We must open up and talk about this treacherous family disease. We must remember it is generational and passed down through family systems. Discussing it is the only way it becomes un-taboo and brings it out of the shadows. Our collective voices may not be all healing; however, they serve as a roadmap to find solace within the walls of alienation. We can better ourselves with support, empathy, and camaraderie. A reminder to all alienated parents: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

On Tuesday, October 1st, 2024, the CPTSD Foundation will launch the PASS Program: Parental Alienation Support Systems. This group will be held on Zoom every Tuesday evening at 6 p.m. EST and is open to any alienated parent (and other family). These meetings will be a forum for all alienated parents to talk a little about their situations, feel less alone and more connected, and focus on strategies for understanding and self-care. We will not provide individual advice – the group is meant to be self-sustaining, fueled by your shares.

Personally, the loss of my daughter doesn’t quite sting as much as the child abuse she has endured for years from narcissistic and child abuse. It’s nothing short of tragic, and sets up another generation of alienation.  

• Tracing the Family Dynamic
• The Necessity of Self-Care
• Exploring Narcissistic Abuse
• Gaslighting
• Trauma-Bonding
• The Loss of a Living Child

Paul Michael Marinello

Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.

A Focus on Need

Program Development

User comments

You’re Not Alone

The GRACE Model

• Tracing the Family Dynamic
• The Necessity of Self-Care
• Exploring Narcissistic Abuse
• Gaslighting
• Trauma-Bonding
• The Loss of a Living Child

Paul Michael Marinello

Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.

A Focus on Need

Program Development

User comments

You’re Not Alone

The GRACE Model

• Tracing the Family Dynamic
• The Necessity of Self-Care
• Exploring Narcissistic Abuse
• Gaslighting
• Trauma-Bonding
• The Loss of a Living Child

Paul Michael Marinello

Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.

Learning New Skills

As the years have passed since the onset of my personal trauma, learning new skills has been difficult for me. I have been forced to focus on unique and individual single-action tasks to provide a source of comfort within my everyday healing. I tend to make short lists, use Post-it notes, and keep an up-to-date calendar.

Looking at many different areas of my life simultaneously is often daunting and serves minimal purpose. As I see it, there are all of these avenues (people I’d like to connect to, tasks I’d like to accomplish, and skills I’d like to learn) all encumbered by potholes, stop signs, and ending in roadblocks. 

What is it, though? What is it about mental health disorders that limit our brain’s ability to understand information quickly? How is it that our burdened brains are now lined with a protective cover that does not allow the ability to learn new skills?  

A More Professional View

To gain a more thorough understanding of the brain chemistry associated with this learning deficiency, I spoke with Dr. Ramon Diaz, Clinical Complex Trauma Specialist (and CPTSD Guest author), who offered: 

“The human brain changes when a mental health disorder occurs. Trauma often influences an area of the brain called the Broca’s area.  Trauma can damage the area, which can lead to a person not being able to ‘explain’ what happened when he/she suffers a traumatic experience. Deficits in language processing inhibit individuals from developing a new lexicon or ‘updating’ a new one for future operations. Over time, however, a damaged Broca’s area creates negative feedback loops: loops that are unhealthy in the brain compound the acuity of symptoms, further generating a mental health illness.” 

Dr. Diaz recommends the following to help the brain “learn” again:

• Meditation: Increases gamma waves in the brain, which help with happiness, contentment, and agreeableness;
• Executive function exercises:  Helps increase grey matter where neurons group together to develop and maintain memory, critical thinking, and analytic thinking (a popular, inexpensive option is crossword puzzles);
• Intimate emotional conversations: With friends, loved ones, and/or support groups, learning new neural-based behaviors like increased empathy, improved self-esteem, increased positive communication towards peers, and enhanced compassion is an important way to learn.
  

These neural-based behaviors allow the brain to learn more effectively. The cortex, or “logic” part of your brain, can remain online more often to help build new neural-based neurons to help the brain learn new cognitive tasks.

For the moment, I am stuck with short lists, post-it notes, and calendar reminders. Thankfully, it is never too late to open the neural pathways to understand better how each of us learns. That, if nothing else, allows for hope.

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

Paul Michael Marinello

Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.

• A dedication to eradicating stigma;
• Extending support;
• Fostering public education;
• Advocating for policies aimed at the well-being of individuals and families

Interestingly, the founder of the namesake was Clifford W. Beers, “Advocate of the Insane,” one of five siblings who all suffered debilitating mental health issues. His autobiography, “A Mind That Found Itself” is still in print and free to read: https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/11962.

Despite his health issues, Beers served the mentally ill community through his accomplishments throughout his lifetime:

• In 1908 he founded the Connecticut Society for Mental Hygiene, now Mental Health Connecticut;
• In 1909 he founded the National Committee for Mental Hygiene, renamed the National Mental Health Association, now the Mental Health Alliance; 
• In 1913, he founded the Clifford Beers Clinic in New Haven, Connecticut, (one of the first outpatient mental health clinics in the United States)

Additional Resources

This year, the National Alliance of Mental Health observes Mental Health Awareness Month with its Take The Moment campaign. Their website states:

“We encourage you to join us in fostering open dialogues, cultivating empathy and understanding. We also urge you to share our resources to support individuals and families on their journey towards mental wellness. Through “Take the Moment,” we shine a spotlight on NAMI’s array of signature programs including: NAMI Basics, NAMI Family-to-Family, NAMI Family & Friends, NAMI Homefront, NAMI In Our Own Voice, NAMI Peer-to-Peer, NAMI Support Groups and our invaluable NAMI HelpLine, which is a free, nationwide peer-support service providing information, resource referrals and support to people living with a mental health condition, their family members and caregivers, mental health providers and the public.

This campaign also champions the importance of destigmatizing mental health by normalizing the practice of taking moments to prioritize mental health care without guilt or shame.”

They even provide a digital toolkit and urge users to share thoughtful and sobering graphics to help enlighten others.

Similarly, the National Institute of Mental Health (NIH) offers a digital toolkit with a plethora of shareable graphics on all types of mental illnesses: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/get-involved/digital-toolkit-for-mental-health-awareness-month.

Both of these organizations also sponsor walkathon-type programs, particularly in urban centers.

Get Involved on a Personal Level 

Self-Care: Practicing self-care is absolutely essential for trauma survivors. To bring about consistency, start small, and slowly build your self-care regimen.

• Walk for thirty minutes; not only will this help manage your weight as well as your chance of diabetes, but it naturally reduces stress, anxiety, and irritability, and allows you to focus better and concentrate;
• Be social a few times per week; anything that allows you to be with like-minded individuals;
• Yoga and meditation have both been proven to reduce stress, foster creativity, and promote mindfulness;
• Make time to sleep; it is vital for mental and physical recovery;
• Build and foster stronger connections with family and friends;
• Practice gratitude: 1) acknowledge what you are grateful for 2) express gratitude toward those who have helped you 3) adopt a new behavior as a result of the experience

Remember, even if making time for specific self-care actions proves elusive, pick up the phone and call someone you know who has shared their mental wellness journey, be empathetic – and see how they are doing.

The NAMI toolkit provides a few glimpses into recent data:

1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness each year, and only half of them receive treatment;

1 in 20 U.S. adults experiences a serious mental illness each year and only two-thirds receive treatment;

1 in 6 U.S. youth experiences a mental health condition each year, and only half of them receive treatment;

50% of all lifetime mental illnesses begin by age 14, and 75% by age 24

The Foundation also provides multiple trauma-informed programs you can join, including:

• Daily Recovery Support
• Healing Book Club
• Weekly Creative Group
• Trauma-informed Yoga
• Peer Support Chat
• Partner Support
• Daily Encouraging Text
• Pride Support

Drop a comment and let the Foundation know how you plan to support Mental Health Awareness Month.

Paul Michael Marinello

Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.

“I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”― Augusten Burroughs, “Dry”

All of us feel lonely from time to time. Whether it comes from a change of circumstances (moving, new job, kids leaving home) or is entirely innate, dealing with loneliness is a delicate yet arduous task. 

Acknowledging Loneliness

One of the hardest life lessons is examining your subconscious behaviors. While acknowledging your level of loneliness can be daunting, it remains the key to finding meaningful connections in life. 

Dr. Ramon Diaz, a practicing clinician and guest CPTSD Foundation author, explains:

“Loneliness is generally seen as a mood, not a trait. Moods have physiological and psychological features and properties. According to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM-5-TR), loneliness is generally associated with other symptoms that make up the symptomology for clinical depression.” 

“A dopamine imbalance influences loneliness,” states Dr. Diaz who usually employs some of the following treatments:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Traditional talk therapy can be beneficial as it can focus on the generalized feeling of loneliness and its root cause. Finding mental health can be burdensome, however, with a recent mirage of therapists executing appointments online, it is as easy as ever to secure therapy.
• Identify an “emotional support person/group: Loneliness is influenced by symptoms of depression like hopelessness, low self-worth, and isolated-related behaviors. Allowing yourself the support of this person/group provides a real-world outlet and can be beneficial in understanding subconscious thoughts. 
• Create Mindfulness: A beginner yoga class and meditation can help enhance your calm. 
• Limit Screen Time: 30 minutes per day or less.

There are other ways to stave off loneliness, here are 15 tips supplied by the Mental Health Foundation: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/public-engagement/unlock-loneliness/15-things-do-if-youre-feeling-lonely

Bridge Meaningful Connections

You may have to step out of your “comfort zone” to combat loneliness successfully to create meaningful connections. Some people don’t feel comfortable in social settings, but that is okay. Consider one small step; forget about going from zero to sixty in moments. Being apprehensive is normal and healthy, as some folks have had negative social experiences in the past that linger. Consider these tips to bridge authentic and meaningful connections. 

• Be you: if you are going to take a chance, leave the facade behind
• Make eye contact, present relaxed body language 
• Practice gratitude and empathy: build around these transformative behaviors in earnest when you connect
• Listen intently to help understand, ask questions, and realize sometimes silence is better than a reply
• Volunteer: Helping others is a great way to meet like-minded people, and provides an invaluable public service 

Has loneliness affected your life? Any recommendations on how you have dealt with loneliness? Join the conversation by commenting.

(Photos from Unsplash)

Paul Michael Marinello

Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.

“Loneliness corresponds to a discrepancy between an individual’s preferred and actual social relations (Peplau & Perlman, 1982). This discrepancy then leads to the negative experience of feeling alone and/or the distress and dysphoria of feeling socially isolated even when among family or friends (Weiss, 1973)”

When discussing loneliness, it is important to realize that several unique types can afflict people at almost any time. Let’s review the most prominent four of them.

Emotional Loneliness: 

Emotional loneliness often refers to a lack of an attachment figure or reasonable, meaningful relationships. This often presents in people who have a social structure around them, however, they still feel isolated. As mentioned in an earlier post, an intriguing fine line intersects emotional loneliness and the presence of choice. 

Social Loneliness: 

Social loneliness refers to the lack of relationships of social contact and support. Those mired in this type of loneliness feel the quality of their social connections is lacking. It is quite often for teens and young adults to experience social loneliness, particularly when struggling to be part of a specific social group.

Situational Loneliness: 

Sometimes referred to as transient loneliness, it is simply a feeling of loneliness that isn’t present in everyday life. Examples include frequent uprooting to new homes, altering one’s friend circle, or, as Dr. Alison Cook explained, “the type of loneliness that strikes one as a result of a unique change in circumstances.” 

Chronic Loneliness: 

On the opposite side of situational, sits chronic loneliness, an uncomfortable social isolation that extends for long periods. 

In many of these scenarios, the word lack appears several times. It is no surprise that humans are social creatures. We, subconsciously yearn to be together, to communicate, to love, to listen, and to be acknowledged. 

What Led to All of This Loneliness? 

According to a recent American Psychiatric Association poll, 30 percent of adults say they have experienced feelings of loneliness at least once per week with 10 percent saying they were lonely every day. 

While it is impossible to find the root of how loneliness became the epidemic today, several cultural impacts have exacerbated it.

Expansion and mobilization have had significant impacts on loneliness. In the 1800s, as American emigrants trekked westward, population centers diminished, breaking up families/social bonds and spreading people coast to coast in a relatively short time. Mass casualty events, most notably wars have resulted in more than a million American deaths. The COVID epidemic, particularly at its onset while many people were purposely isolated for health reasons had a sizeable impact on loneliness. COVID also led to over one million American deaths.

And, perhaps the worst culprit – technology

Technology has made it easier to communicate, work, travel, and find movie showtimes and sports scores, among thousands of other uses. Because there are no statutory guardrails on technology usage, specifically social media, it can be hard to delineate where the benefits outweigh the pitfalls. We are not taught that technology/social media is addictive; much the same as nicotine, alcohol, and gambling.

Dr. Ramon Diaz, mental health professional and guest author adds: “Recently, psychologists discovered through empirical studies while using FMRI scans cognitive impairments associated with screen use. The phrase that recently has been encoded based on some of these studies is digital amnesia. Amnesia is simply not remembering that an event(s) occurred as a child reviews autobiographical memories. This means children’s prefrontal cortex- the part of the brain that activates when using critical thinking skills- is not meeting developmental biomarkers. I see this digital amnesia more often when I work with kids.”

According to the CDC:

(8 – 10) year old children spend about 6 hours a day in front of a screen using entertainment media (approximately 4 hours on television);
(11 – 14) year old children spend about 9 hours a day in front of a screen using entertainment media (approximately 5 hours on television);
(15 – 18)  year old children spend about 7.5 hours a day in front of a screen using entertainment media (approximately 4.5 hours on television);
Adults 18 and over average about 7 hours per day

It provides a statistic that is beyond comprehension. If the average American sleeps about 7 hours per night and spends 7 hours using technology, more than 60% of your life is spoken for before you even make a choice.

And the result of this tech usage?

Most studies conclude with the same analysis: the extensive use of technology is associated with a decline in participants’ communication with family members, a decrease in their social circle, and an increase in depression and loneliness. Many experts believe that constant access to social media and technology, in general, can prevent us from making or keeping meaningful social connections.

Dr. Diaz continued, “Social media, according to Johnathan, the leading social psychologist in the United States, is increasing depression and anxiety among children and adolescents at alarming rates. Haidt also argues that girls under the age of 16 years are being impacted worse. His review of the social psychology research says that girls and eating disorders are increasing. With the prefrontal cortex not developing properly, children cannot inhibit natural compulsions and aggressive behaviors that arise during adolescence.”

—> NEXT MONDAY, 3/25/2024: In part 3 of this series, we will discuss ways to avoid loneliness and live a more connected life. 

Paul Michael Marinello

Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.” — Mother Teresa

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) defines loneliness as a distressing feeling that accompanies the perception that one’s social needs are not being met by the quantity or especially the quality of one’s social relationships. 

On June 14, 2022, The American Medical Association (AMA) published a press release that outlined the launch of the new 988 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a 24-hour hotline with mobile crisis teams on the ready for dispatch. The number replaces the 1-800 number previously used for such emergencies. 

In their press release, the NIH also recognizes “loneliness as a public health issue and [supports] evidence-based efforts to combat loneliness.” In addition, the NIH continues:

With extensive research showing evidence of the strong causal relationship between social relationships and longevity, the AMA adopted policy…identifying loneliness as a public health issue that impacts people of all ages. The new policy also supports evidence-based efforts to combat loneliness. Studies show that loneliness is not only a significant predictor of functional decline and premature death similar to, or exceeding, the risk from obesity, but loneliness in adolescence is associated with impaired sleep, symptoms of depression, and poorer health in general. According to the U.S. Surgeon General, loneliness is a public health issue that predates, but has been intensified by, the COVID-19 pandemic.

To add, AMA Board Member Ilse R. Levin, D.O., M.P.H. confirmed that “Loneliness is a public health issue that can negatively impact people of all ages. However, [since the COVID pandemic,] younger generations are experiencing more loneliness than older generations, and it’s important that we take steps to combat it.”

Dr. Ramon Diaz, a clinical mental health practitioner, and guest author here at CPTSD Foundation, also shared the following:

The presentation of ‘loneliness’ symptoms is complex in a person. The emotional experience of loneliness for many patients is unbearable. In a recent empirical study, the results conveyed that people experience symptoms of ‘dread, rumination, low motivation to complete daily tasks, and…gut health problems’ due to experiencing chronic loneliness.

Sitting Was The New Smoking – Now it’s Loneliness

Over the decades, the messaging on nicotine has been clear. Nicotine addiction results in death. The latest data suggests approximately fifteen percent of Americans use nicotine daily, equal to about fifty million people. 

The stats on loneliness are far worse.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, thirty percent of Americans, about 1 in 3, have experienced loneliness in the past year. That math equates to about 115,000,000 Americans, all of whom are as susceptible (if not more susceptible) to an array of diseases: 

• Heart disease and stroke
• Type 2 diabetes
• Depression and anxiety
• Addiction
• Suicidality and self-harm
• Dementia
• Earlier death

In 2023, The U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, published “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation” as part of the U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. This compelling report is a call to action for all who wish to solve the problem of this under-exposed epidemic.  

Differences Between Loneliness and Isolation

While the two are invariably connected, there are a few differences between loneliness and isolation.

According to the NIH, loneliness is the distressing feeling of being alone or separated. Social isolation is the lack of social contacts and having few people to interact with regularly.

Therefore, loneliness is a mindset or an emotional state. While we can sometimes strive to be alone to reconcile our thoughts or clear our heads, this scenario doesn’t truly constitute loneliness as we feel connected to people and things around us. Isolation, or more predominantly social isolation, allows for a level of decision-making, subconscious or not.

Dr. Diaz adds that “loneliness cannot be treated, simply by ‘talk therapy.’ More recent research shows that loneliness has both physiological and biological effects. Body-based therapy approaches are equally as important as talk therapy modalities.”  Moreover, Dr Diaz distinguishes that “the ‘felt sense’ of being heard and validated in therapy is vital for a patient to experience.” Furthermore, he acknowledges that “loneliness is usually influenced by someone’s attachment system, which is how the brain is wired before the age of 6, a wiring that informs people throughout their lives in terms of what relationships stand for.” 

If you are dealing with extended periods of loneliness, consider speaking with a mental health professional to discuss your concerns. Long-term loneliness (or isolation) is a serious health issue that should not be ignored.

—> NEXT MONDAY 3/18/2024: In part 2 of this series, we will examine the evolution of and the different types of loneliness.

Paul Michael Marinello

Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.

For targeted parents experiencing parental alienation, while we may dream somewhat the same in terms of our, mostly lofty anticipation and expectations, the reality grips hold when communicating with others – where they and their families might be headed or who they are hosting, meals they are preparing and excitement of family members they’ve not seen (some since the COVID onset). 

We alienated parents share a mostly unending flow of emotions, flashbacks, and an understanding of how past behaviors encourage present and future decisions. 

Looking back upon my childhood, while I do not have any negative memories to look upon during the holiday season, I can’t recall many extravagant memories during the holidays. I recall Christmas Eve celebrations at my Aunt’s home – annually lit by a peculiar white tree that always seemed foreign to me. I cal recall Christmas mornings, plus all the pregaming including decorating the tree, finding silly items around the home to regift to my other brothers, and how my mom always insisted on cleaning up the moment the final present was opened. 

When my wife and I were together, we celebrated Christmas mostly with her family where there were always many children around to spend holiday time with. A tradition of items previously touched upon, plus many late-night fires, UNO games going well into the morning and making sure the coffee would be prepared for the next light.

After our divorce and as a custodial father, I served up my traditions for my daughter. We participated in tree-trimming, good food, time off, and even developed an annual tradition of dropping a box of gifts to the pediatric wing of Mount Kisco Medical Center (where she was born) on Christmas Eve just in case there were children admitted. 

“Dad Hates Christmas”

Thinking back on it now, I must have heard my ex say to my daughter dozens of times over the holidays: “Dad hates Christmas”. And while I don’t believe I actually said those words, the truth is that I have never been a huge fan of the holidays, with a well-meaning reason. My ex is a massive spender and every year around the holidays I had to get an earful about how much money she would spend on our daughter, how large the food bill would be hosting 10 or 20+, how big the tree would be, and all of the other things narcissists try to control as to paint the perfect picture. The conversation that always ensued was about the debt she accumulated along the way. 

A recent Gallup Poll suggests that Americans will spend an average of $932 on holiday gifts. Another article, from US News, has many great ideas on planning or limiting your average holiday expenditure, however, the figure I took out of this is 42%. 

42% of people are actually planning to go into debt to pay holiday expenses. Like a white Christmas tree, this concept also seems so foreign to me that I firmly believe it’s part of our American culture to want more, spend what we don’t have, and fight for a few nights of fun only to be left with a mountain of debt on the backside. 

My daughter was barely a toddler when we spent our first Christmas together. It was a special time, with countless memories, drama free, and most importantly clear of financial burden. The fact that Maya had many young cousins on her mom’s side clearly meant that she preferred holidays with her mom’s family and so, over the years we made it work. 

As I enter the second year of holidays and my daughter’s birthday, I had been working to find some balance on what to expect this holiday season. Last year, I was mostly a ball of nerves and just wanted the season to pass and get the hell on to 2022. This year, I am taking a different approach. 

Unsponsored Self Care

A few weeks ago a friend asked me about my plans for Thanksgiving. I believe my usual response would have been that I wasn’t sure, or that perhaps I would visit my brother’s home. At that moment when asked, a subtle smile came over me, from a place I had not even been able to locate or dig into in quite some time. A moment of clarity, where my decision-making was confident and firm. There was no hesitation,

“I’m staying home, resting.” 

She looked at me with the oh I’m sorry you’re going to be alone, but before that look could turn into words, she asked if that was the way I wanted it. Yes, it was. 

I chose, in an unfractured moment without procrastination that I would take the day back, and make it my own. Even as an alienated parent, unaware of my only daughter’s health, safety, and happiness. 

I woke with a purpose on Thanksgiving. I slow-cooked a turkey breast, made homemade stuffing, and Ghiradelli Dark Chocolate brownies which are heaven. I spent four hours outside reorganizing my 2023 garden, digging my hands through the dirt, and getting my green beans into their homes for the holidays through next spring. A bright, warm sunlight poured over my body during the mid-afternoon. 

I even set up a surprise birthday party for one of my closest friend’s 60th. This practice of self-care is super important to alienated parents and all trauma sufferers throughout the year but particularly when our visage portrays simple, happy, and ethical families enjoying time together. Our psyche fails to realize that many family systems are, at their core: unstable.

I didn’t ruminate about the continued abuse, gaslighting, and emotional suppression that my daughter must endure each and every day. 

And for Christmas? A fellow alienated mom from Brooklyn is coming in to spend the holiday week with me at home. It will be low-key; bike rides, the beach, home-cooked meals, and perhaps some commiserating. 

(I’m shrugging my shoulders and wearing a grin. Sounds good to me.)

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Paul Michael Marinello

Paul Michael Marinello serves as Chief Staff Writer and Blog Manager for CPTSD Foundation. Previous to this role he managed North American Corporate Communications at MSL, a top ten public relations firm where he also served on the board for Diversity & Inclusion for a staff of 80,000. Paul Michael grew up in New York and attended SUNY Farmingdale before starting a ten-year career at Columbia University. He also served as Secretary and Records Management Officer for the Millwood Fire District, appointed annually by an elected board of fire commissioners from 2008 – 2017.