Randi | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org The Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research Mon, 15 Nov 2021 16:04:01 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://cptsdfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/cropped-Daily-Recovery-Support-Globe-iPad-Fav-32x32.png Randi | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org 32 32 Life Through the Eyes of My Adult Self Versus My Inner Child. https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/04/29/life-through-the-eyes-of-my-adult-self-versus-my-inner-child/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/04/29/life-through-the-eyes-of-my-adult-self-versus-my-inner-child/#comments Thu, 29 Apr 2021 10:00:26 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=236320 I was asked to write a post on my blog about life through my eyes. Although I welcome suggestions, this topic is probably the one that is hardest for me to write. I have written many posts about my struggles, but to describe what life feels like for me is incredibly difficult to articulate.

I am very much an enigma. I have self-awareness up the wazoo, but implementing that self-awareness is challenging. I have a strong sense of who I am, but I still struggle with codependent tendencies and seeking validation from others. I am an advocate (INJF) personality and will stand up for what I believe in, but I am sensitive, and my feelings are easily hurt.  I know I am strong because I have survived a lifetime of abuse and trauma, but I still feel weak.

The truth is, we are all comprised of a series of contradictions. Our lives and experiences have formed and shaped our way of perceiving the world. For many of us, we are our own worst enemies. We go into the ring with the sense of self that knows better versus the self that is consumed with pain. For me, that internal battle has encompassed most of my adult life.

I spent my childhood in survival mode. As a victim of emotional and psychological child abuse and severe neglect, I grew up having no sense of safety or stability. I did not know what if felt like to be loved unconditionally. I was extremely codependent on my mother, who was my abuser. It was ingrained into me that I was worthless, helpless, and incapable. Nothing I did was good enough to make my mother love me, so I concluded that I was broken and unlovable.

This way of thinking was the voice of my inner child, and that way of thinking never went away. Our inner child is the child within all of us. It is based on the thoughts and experiences that took place during your childhood, pre-puberty. Every single one of us has an inner child. Your childhood will determine the perspectives, needs, and thoughts of your inner child. Due to my trauma and abandonment issues, my inner child views the world through a lens of fear, loneliness, and terror.

For a very long time, my inner child was my primary sense of self. It was hard for me to detangle who my inner child was versus who I was as an adult because we had the same way of thinking.  As an adult, I still saw the world through her eyes. As someone with CPTSD and anxiety that is often debilitating, I felt that no matter my successes, no matter my strides, I was still a helpless, scared and fearful girl.

I also felt that since I couldn’t save myself as a child, I could not save myself as an adult. I jumped from relationship to relationship wanting the person to “save me”. I felt that I was not whole and could never be whole due to the damage that was done to me. However, I thought that if someone finally loved me, it could fill that void. The truth is that that void can never be filled by another person, and I kept experiencing that painful truth time after time and relationship after relationship. I was like a parasite by creating a sense of self and wholeness from another person. When the relationship would end, I crumbled along with it.

When my husband started abusing alcohol during my pregnancy, my inner child was upfront and center. The man I had chosen to start a family with, the man who was supposed to love me, was not someone I could count on. I was alone again, but this time, I was about to bring a living being into the world. How could I be a mother on my own when I still felt so very much like a helpless child?

My husband turned to pills soon after he stopped using alcohol. He spent the first four years of my daughter’s life MIA emotionally. Even after he became sober, it was a constant struggle to use healthy coping mechanisms to deal with his pain and to communicate his feelings.  Meanwhile, I had a daughter who depended on me. I promised myself as a child that the cycle of abuse would stop with me.  I realized it was necessary for me to understand that I was no longer a lost little girl. After years of being abandoned by my mother, I came to the realization that I was guilty of abandoning my inner child as well in adulthood. I now had my own little girl, and her safety and well-being were my responsibility.

Having my daughter helped me a long way towards realizing that I had a sense of self separate from my inner child. I had to take care of another human being and step up as an adult. I learned that I could stand on my own two feet. I had an obligation to teach my child that she is in control of her life and that happiness is in her own hands. Therefore, I had to start practicing what I preach.

I still vacillate between seeing life through the eyes of my inner child and the eyes of a woman who is a survivor. There are instances when I am triggered, resulting in me lashing out and feeling out of control. I know in those situations that that scared little girl within me feels frightened and scared and that my inner child is reacting out of fear and feeling unsafe. I know my inner child is in survival mode because she had no choice but to do that growing up.

However, I am learning that through recognizing the needs of my inner child, I am showing her that she is safe. By listening to her and honoring her feelings, I am giving her the love she needs.  She isn’t being abused anymore. She isn’t in danger anymore. There is an adult who can care for her, love her, and make sure that she is protected. After years of looking for someone to rescue me and my inner child, I am learning that I am the person that needs to proudly take ownership of that role. I am my inner child’s source of safety and support.  It isn’t easy to look your pain and your past straight in the face, but I now know that my inner child deserves to be loved. I deserve to be loved too.

I am by no means “healed”, and truth be told, I don’t really know what healing means. I don’t think anyone is ever fully healed. I think we all have wounds and bruises. Some are merely knacks, whereas others are deep. Some are physical in nature, and others are invisible, but oh so potent.  We are all damaged, but being damaged does not mean that we are broken.

I will always struggle with anxiety. After being thrown out of my house from the time I was 8, I am very much shaped by the message etched into the recesses of my being that the outside world is a scary place. I am aware of why I feel that way, but it doesn’t change those feelings. I fear doing things on my own as a result. I have social anxiety and feel tremendous anxiety making phone calls, going on errands, and even going to a doctor’s appointment for a check-up. I do not drive on the highway and will try to drive somewhere in advance to make sure I know where I am going.

That said, I have driven my daughter to play-dates without practicing in advance when it is last minute, I have taken my incredibly hyperactive daughter on errands, and I have spoken on the phone when needed. I don’t think my fears will ever go away, but I try to face them. I will fight to be the best version of myself until the day I die.

I used to feel a lot of shame about my anxiety, and most people don’t know the extent of it. Outside of my husband, nobody knows that I have debilitating anxiety about doing things on my own. However, I spent too many years feeling shame about those feelings. I spent too much time judging myself for it. I spent too many years staying in inner-child mode, instead of incorporating her into my life.

I now know that there will always be someone who will judge me for my struggles. They won’t understand why a grown woman has these difficulties.   I also know that I am a warrior for getting up every single day and fighting. I fight daily to not allow my fears to define me. I fight daily to be the best mom, wife, and person I can be. I fight daily to not let my past control my present and future. There will always be things that others easily do that are incredibly difficult for me. I now accept that. However, I am determined to show my daughter that bravery isn’t measured by success, but by having the courage to keep trying.

I try to view life with a balance between grown-up Randi and inner-child Randi. She will always be a part of who I am, but she isn’t all of me. I have learned that it is not okay to stay trapped in the past, which is what I did for years by being stuck in the mentality of my inner child. I have also learned that I need to honor the feelings of my inner child and hold space for her. I am proud of my inner child, and I remind her of that daily.

My inner child is here to stay, and I now embrace her. I am able to see the world through her eyes, while also noting when it is time for me to remind her that it is my job to step in and protect her. I didn’t get the love I needed as a child, and there is nothing I can do to change that. However, I can now give that love to myself and to my inner child.  I keep that knowledge in my mind and in my heart as I view the world and my life with both pairs of eyes.

A previous version of this article was originally posted on Surviving Mom Blog.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/04/29/life-through-the-eyes-of-my-adult-self-versus-my-inner-child/feed/ 1 Don’t Judge a Person Unless You’ve Walked in Their Shoes https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/02/02/dont-judge-a-person-unless-youve-walked-in-their-shoes/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/02/02/dont-judge-a-person-unless-youve-walked-in-their-shoes/#comments Tue, 02 Feb 2021 11:00:51 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=235097 We assume we know people’s lives by the mere glimpses they show us. We think we know someone based on the brief encounters we exchange on our way to work or when we bump into each other. The playdates where we talk about our kids. The smiling family photos on Instagram. The superficial exchanges we have over text. The times when we politely ask how someone is doing and they say that they are fine. That isn’t someone’s full life. We shouldn’t judge a person by what they choose to share about their life. It is what they allow you to see. 

Take me, for instance. Most people would describe me as peppy, outgoing, bubbly, happy, and exuberant. That is a part of my personality, but there is so much more to me that people don’t know (unless they read my blog, that is).  

In reality, I feel fearful most of the time, I’m quite shy, I have social anxiety, and I am afraid to tell people about my past. I care deeply about others, and I also feel deeply. I put my heart and soul into every post I write, and I grieve for the childhood I never had. Each time I write a post about my past, my vulnerability takes a huge toll on me.  I put my stories out there to try to break the stigma and shame associated with it, and it saddens me that some people I consider friends have not reached out to me about these private and traumatic details. 

I typically show people the side of me that is full of life and contentment; the parts of me that are filled with loneliness and anxiety I tuck away when I am around others. Although talkative and engaging in groups, I am usually exhausted emotionally after a social event. I’m a true introvert, although you’d probably never know it.  

Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. I am not putting on a show when I’m around people. We show different sides to ourselves around different people. I am simply showing one side, and that is a genuine part of who I am. However, there is so much more that doesn’t get seen. There is often much more to someone than meets the eye if you get to really know them and don’t turn away. 

Never judge a person unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

I have gone through hell and back, but I learned at a very young age to keep my pain to myself based on others’ reactions.  Many have gone through their own suffering. They have experienced loss, divorce, miscarriages, bullying, loneliness, depression, and pain.  Most of us keep that part a secret because society has taught us to “tough it out” and “stay strong”.  The people around us feel discomfort about those situations and don’t want to acknowledge them, so those that are struggling often don’t share the full extent of their pain. As a result, it is easy for those of us who are suffering to look around at others and feel inferior. We live in a world where everyone appears to have it all together. I call bullshit.  

I wrote a post about always being grateful, but not feeling grateful this Thanksgiving. Many understood the point I was trying to make and told me how much they appreciated it. It warmed my heart when I was told they felt less alone and more accepted because of my post.  Others commented that we should always be grateful. I was also told that I shouldn’t write about this topic on a public forum out of respect for those that enjoy the holidays and who do feel grateful. 

Feelings are never right or wrong. They simply are what they are. Others may not agree with our feelings, but that does not make our feelings any less valid. Yet feelings are often met with resistance. We are told to suck it up, count our blessings, remember that it could be worse, and sent the underlying message to not speak our truths. Our truths may be different than others, but we are entitled to voice them. Our pain, our truths, our stories- they are all unique and all deserve to be respected and heard.

We shouldn’t judge a person unless we’ve walked a mile in their shoes. 

We must stop assuming, and we must start spreading kindness and empathy.  I write Surviving Mom Blog and use my platform for all those who have suffered and haven’t had the support of others.  Let us accept that we all have our own unique journey. Let us not perpetuate the shame and pain others feel during this time of year or at any time of year.  

Let us start acknowledging the sorrows that exist around us, instead of trying to micromanage those feelings. We must stop ignoring and minimizing what/how others feel.

Those people that exude confidence, but feel lost, this post is for you. The children that put on a brave face at school, but go home and cry because they are being bullied, this post is for you. The people who try so hard, but feel so very lonely, this post is for you. For every person who has so much more going on than meets the eye, this post is for you. For every person that is struggling with the stigma of mental illness, this post is for you.  If you are the victim of abuse or trauma, this post is for you. On behalf of those who are told to be strong no matter how much their heart is breaking, this post is for you. This post is for me too. 

This holiday season, and moving forward, I hope we will stop assuming and start reaching out more.  It is often the ones who seem the happiest that are suffering the most. People are more likely to show different sides to themselves if they feel safe doing so. Let’s be a safe person for others. 

Don’t judge a person unless you’ve walked in their shoes.

Don’t sum a person up by their smiles and laughter. Instead, talk about topics of sustenance. Reveal matters that others wouldn’t know by common banter, and give space for others to do the same.  If someone bravely shares something private and difficult to share, express kindness and empathy. Do not turn a blind eye to their pain or tell them what they should or shouldn’t say or feel.  

Life is hard enough. Choose kindness.  We don’t know what burdens people are carrying, but we can help them unload that baggage if we assume less and open our minds and heart more. 

This story was previously written in Surviving Mom Blog.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/02/02/dont-judge-a-person-unless-youve-walked-in-their-shoes/feed/ 3 No Contact For Survival https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/10/21/no-contact-for-survival/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/10/21/no-contact-for-survival/#comments Wed, 21 Oct 2020 10:00:34 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=232687 If you’ve been reading my posts, you know that I talk a lot about awareness and acceptance. They are crucial for healing from trauma, and they are crucial to properly advocate for your child. My husband was able to get the help he needed to get sober when he closed the door on denial and chose awareness and acceptance. Awareness and acceptance are also necessary components of a healthy marriage.

This post about acceptance is especially hard for me to write because it is about my mother. My mother is many things to me. For a long time, she was the center of my world. I wanted more than anything to get her approval. I believed that somehow she would become the mother I needed if I kept believing and trying.

I knew she did terrible things to me, and as an adult, I realized those things were abusive. Yet, I have fond memories of her too. In some ways, the good memories made it harder to accept the truth. I have memories of her singing songs to me, rubbing my stomach when it hurt, and playing games with her.

When Brielle was born, I was determined to be the mother to her that I never had. Still, I hoped my mother could be a part of my life and part of my child’s life. After all, she was my mother, and she was Brielle’s grandmother. Although I hated what she had done to me, I loved her.

Several times over the course of my daughter’s life my mother got mad at me, and as a result, would stop talking to my daughter. I warned my mom that this couldn’t happen. My daughter deserved consistency, and it wasn’t healthy to have my mom in and out of my daughter’s life. It was confusing and painful to try to wrap my mind around that when I was a child, and I didn’t want that happening to my daughter. I told my mom that she and I had to be amicable for my daughter’s sake.

Two years ago, my mother and I got into an argument. On that fateful day, she told me she didn’t like me and wanted nothing to do with me. I felt like a knife had been plunged into my heart.

I reminded her that her granddaughter is a child and there was no way she could see my daughter without making some sort of arrangements with me.  She refused to communicate with me and sent me an email threatening to sue me for visitation rights. As angry as this made me, it also made me incredibly sad. She would rather take me to court than be cordial with me for the sake of her granddaughter? I knew on a rational level that her behavior was erratic at best but knowing that my mom would go to such lengths to avoid me made me feel like the problem was me.  What was wrong with me that my mother could just throw me away?

After decades of wishing upon a star for my mother to love me, I looked at my innocent child and had to face reality.  My mother would never be someone I could count on for emotional support. She is incapable of unconditional love. I also knew that if I allowed her in my child’s life, it was inevitable that she would do this to my daughter too.

I knew my mother would eventually contact me (this wasn’t my first rodeo with her), and I made the decision to go no contact with her. I unfriended her on Facebook and removed her from my email and phone contact list.  My daughter knew that her grandmother was constantly in and out of her life, and I had to explain to her that that kind of behavior is unacceptable, and I wasn’t going to allow that.  One day perhaps I’ll tell my daughter about my horrific childhood, but for now, I want her to know as little as possible.  I had my innocence ripped away from me as a child, and I am determined to not have that repeat with my child.

My mother texted me a year ago. She said she missed me and her granddaughter.  It took every ounce of strength not to respond.

I’d like to say that I decided to go no contact with my mom because it is what was best for me. Although that is true, the reason I had the courage to do this was because of my daughter. I never wanted her to feel the pain of loving someone who could throw you away without a moment’s hesitation.

I have moments of weakness where I think about the fact that my mother is getting older. I feel a wave of sadness that my mother is now a stranger to me. Guilt absolutely creeps in from time to time, along with grief. I am mourning the loss of the mother I had and the loss of never having the mother I needed.

It is a personal decision to go no contact, and everyone is entitled to decide what is best for them.  For those of you that have gone no contact with someone who has brought you tremendous pain and suffering, I hope it brings you some comfort to know that I understand how hard it is to make that choice. I also recognize the bravery and strength it takes to do this.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you when making (and continuing) this choice is to ask yourself if this person is capable of change.  The definition of insanity is making the same choice over and over again, expecting a different result.  I realized that I was acting insane for being on this endless roller coaster with her, and hoping each time that it could change, that she could change.

It was a hard pill to swallow that I will never have the mother I needed. It took decades of denial for me to get to a place where I was aware and accepted that she cannot be a mother to me in the real sense of the word. Having her in my life would only bring pain to me and to my daughter. I will never allow anyone to do that to my child, even if the perpetrator is my own mother. To give my daughter the childhood that she deserves, I had to close the door on the person who destroyed mine.

I have had to accept a lot of hard truths in my life. Sometimes it took some time for me to get there, and other times I looked awareness and acceptance straight in the eyes. What I’ve learned is that you can’t reach the light at the end of the tunnel unless you are willing to walk through darkness. I never claimed that acceptance and going no contact is easy. However, like Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

originally published on Surviving Mom Blog

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/10/21/no-contact-for-survival/feed/ 10 How to Stop the Cycle of Abuse https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/09/18/how-to-stop-the-cycle-of-abuse/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/09/18/how-to-stop-the-cycle-of-abuse/#comments Fri, 18 Sep 2020 10:00:43 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=231062 Have you heard the saying that if you want to find out what your wife will be like in 20 years, look at her mother? Whereas that might result in a chuckle for some people, that thought was terrifying for me. As an adult survivor of child abuse at the hands of my mother, the possibility of turning out like her, of abusing my child the way she abused me, stopped me dead in my tracks.

I promised myself at an incredibly young age that the cycle of abuse would stop with me. My mother had been abused by her mother, and in turn, my mother abused me. Today I am the mother of a rambunctious, loving, caring, energetic, sweet 7-year-old daughter. She keeps me on my toes every day, and I am proud to say, I kept the promise I made to myself and to my child.

How did I do it? There are 6 strategies that I have implemented that allowed me to be the mother I am today:

1-As a scared new mom, and even after all these years of parenthood, I often have NO idea what I am doing. If someone tells you they have all the answers, I have a bridge to sell you.  Each day it is my first time being a mother to my daughter at that age. Children do not come with a “how-to” manual, and each child is different. What I do know is what NOT to do. I have a list of things that I will NEVER, ever do because those were horrific things that happened to me.

Awareness is key to implementing change. If you do not know what not to do, then how are you supposed to make sure you don’t do it? How can you stop the cycle of abuse unless you are willing to confront what was done to you head-on?

So, I did. I faced every horrific thing my mother did to me. I allowed myself to feel the helplessness, the sadness, and the pain by admitting to myself that what she did was abusive. If I allowed myself to stay in denial, or to convince myself that it was somehow justified, then how could I stop it from happening at my own hands?

I used my own childhood as a roadmap of where I would never allow myself to go. With awareness, I will not always make the right choices, but I have never made an abusive one.

2-For many of us, abuse is all we know. Do not take that lack of knowledge for granted. It is crucial that we learn new and healthy ways of parenting. Don’t be afraid to get help! Read those parenting books (and roll your eyes at the things you know wouldn’t work for your child), phone a friend (or two, or three) when you are having a bad day or you need some advice on how to proceed. Read that self-help book (or two, or three) that you’ve read so many times that it is hard to make out the words. Reach out to your spouse and your therapist. It is okay to ask for help. It is not okay to continue the cycle of abuse.

3-Take time for yourself. No, really! Kids will trigger the daylights out of you, and when you are stressed, it is only natural to turn to the familiar. The familiar in our case is not an option, so do not take your well-being for granted. I repeat, do not take your well-being for granted.

On particularly stressful days I make sure my daughter is safely occupied, and then I go into my bedroom, lock the door, and vent (sometimes to my husband, and sometimes I am a frazzled woman talking to myself). My daughter knows that sometimes Mommy needs a time-out too. We openly talk about our feelings, and she knows that feeling overwhelmed or frustrated is not something that only kids have to deal with.

As parents, we are juggling a ton of responsibilities and pressure, and sometimes that might mean giving your child an extra few minutes of TV or iPad so you can engage in some relaxation exercises (for example, deep breathing or meditation).  You might feel guilty about taking time for yourself, but the repercussions that can come with not giving yourself that time is a lot worse. Parenting is hard for anyone, but we have it even harder because of the hand we were dealt with. Scream into a pillow. Write in your journal. Talk to yourself in the mirror. Be your greatest friend and ally.  Take that time to work on healthy coping mechanisms, and cheer yourself on for all the progress you have made. Remember, it is a marathon, not a sprint.

4- We will all make mistakes. As long as we are not abusing our children, mistakes are natural, normal, and par for the course. Accept responsibility for your mistakes, learn from them, and grow from them. Be willing to apologize to your children and recognize when you have done something wrong.

Many of us grew up feeling that we had to be perfect or had a caregiver who never admitted any wrongdoing. I am definitely a work-in-progress when it comes to expecting perfection from myself. I associated saying or doing the wrong thing with shame because I was often shamed for my mistakes.  I realized that if I don’t want my daughter to expect perfection from herself, I needed to set the right example that nobody (myself included) is perfect and that there is no shame in making mistakes. I can be a great mom and still mess up. I can be the parent and still apologize if I do something that I regret.

Our children look to us to provide them with guidance and teach them how to treat others.  Be humble and show your children that is safe to make mistakes.   Be open and honest about your feelings and emotions so that they feel safe to do the same. If your child feels hurt about something you said or did, do not minimize their feelings. We grew up not being seen and heard, and we know how important it is to get validation. The greatest gift you can give your child is the willingness to hear their feelings and make space for them. Model accountability for your actions while also showing yourself kindness and forgiveness and teach them to do the same when they do something wrong.

5- Just as our children need a parent, so do we. Many of us did not get the love and compassion we needed as children from our parents. If we did not receive love and kindness from our own parents, we need to be our own parents.

How do we do that? Talk to that little child inside of you. Think about what they need and try to honor those feelings. Tell your inner child everything you wish you had heard from your parents and validate your inner child’s feelings and experiences.

We must show ourselves the same love and compassion that we show our children. As you parent your child, think about yourself as a child, and send that same love to yourself.  In order to love our children in healthy ways, we need to learn how to love ourselves.

6- Unconditional love. The two most beautiful words in the world (in my opinion). What so many of us craved, but never received, was unconditional love. Give your children that love. Love them on the good days, and love them and support them on the difficult ones. Give your children everything you needed, and you stop abuse dead in its tracks.

My daughter never doubts the love I have for her. She knows that no matter how I am feeling and no matter what she says or does, that nothing can ever change the love I have for her. She knows that to the point where she rolls her eyes when I say it to her. She knows that no matter where life takes her, I will always be waiting for her with open arms and an open heart.

Giving that kind of love to another person is powerful in ways that cannot be described.  Loving my daughter unconditionally has healed me in ways that I did not know was possible. It helped me realize that the lack of love that I received was not my fault. As a parent, how can you not love your child unconditionally? What happened to me was a reflection of my abuser, not me.

————————————————————–

Ian S. Thomas wrote, “Before your children came, they were told that you would love them, so whatever you do, however you treat them…to them, it is love.”  Being a parent is the greatest responsibility one will ever have. We know better than anyone how significant our role is in our child’s life. It is the greatest challenge and the greatest joy to be a parent.  Remember to honor both, and you will be able to navigate the bumpy road of parenting and end the cycle of abuse.

originally published on Surviving Mom Blog

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/09/18/how-to-stop-the-cycle-of-abuse/feed/ 10 The Important Awareness of the “A” Word. https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/08/06/the-important-awareness-of-the-a-word/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2020/08/06/the-important-awareness-of-the-a-word/#comments Thu, 06 Aug 2020 10:00:07 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=231047

Hello, I’m Randi, and my mother did things to me that were cruel. This is the story I told myself growing up. It was the story I told others as well. However, the sad truth is that saying those words will not guarantee that someone will start listening. (trigger warning, as this may be difficult for some readers, so please be kind to yourself as you read.)

Why? I’ve learned the hard way that awareness is everything and that the lack of awareness of the “A” word (abuse) made it so that my story wasn’t fully understood or heard. Why is there a lack of awareness or desire to learn about emotional abuse? One main reason is that emotional abuse is harder to define. Abuse, specifically emotional, is still taboo. Since there are no physical scars, was it really abuse?

This was the question I could never answer when I would tell my mother that what she was doing was wrong. Like most abusers, she told me it was my fault. Starting at 8-years-old, I was told that if only I was more respectful, she wouldn’t have thrown me out of the house. I was “retrieved” at the beginning, but over time, I would have to bang on the door to be allowed to re-enter. There were incidences where I was not allowed to pass into my mudroom entrance all night. I felt abandoned, unwanted, discarded, degraded, unsafe, and conditioned to see that the outside world as a bad place (after all, my “punishment” was to have to leave my home), but was this abuse? I was clothed, I was fed, I was physically healthy.  Was she disciplining me in a way that I didn’t like, or was it something more?

Over the years, I told my story to a few. Once I told them what was going on, we never spoke of it again. Their discomfort only reinforced my belief that although it was bad, it was not worth harping over.  To this day, I have childhood friends that will call my mother “crazy” but have never used the “A” word to describe what happened to me. Shockingly, I told the details of my story to therapists who shook their heads with disbelief and simply labeled me as having General Anxiety Disorder. I was put on and taken off medication.  We discussed ways to “conquer my anxiety”. The lack of knowledge about emotional abuse and CPTSD is mind-boggling in retrospect.  I never used the “A” word, and sadly, neither did they.

These were not terrible people. So why did they turn a blind eye to what was happening to me? This brings me to my second and third explanations. Denial and lack of awareness. There needs to be more light shined on emotional/psychological abuse so that there is never a doubt that abuse comes in many forms. The lack of openness and education about this made it easier to see my mother as a wacko rather than to see my mother as abusive. There isn’t enough widespread knowledge about the numerous ways abuse can rear its ugly head.

I learned from an early age that monsters are real.  When I told my story, I exposed a rawness and a knowledge nobody should possess. I wonder to this day if/how my life would have changed if someone would have recognized that the terrible things happening to me weren’t just unconventional, they were downright abusive. So how do we spread awareness? It is the proverbial story of the chicken and the egg. Did the mainstream need to step-up and take initiative to learn about abuse so they could have recognized my abuse for what it was? Or do survivors need to speak up and educate others so that the mainstream gains awareness? I think the answer is both.

With events going on in the world today, I have learned more than ever about the importance of awareness. Complacency will not allow for change, and there is so much change that needs to take place. As a child, there was nothing I could do to stop the abuse. It is sad and terrible that nobody saw my childhood for what it was. I was (and still am) a victim. I am also a survivor. No matter what type of abuse you endured, no matter how devastating its effects were in your life, you are still here. That makes all of us survivors. The people in our lives failed us, and it is necessary that we show compassion for ourselves, look our pain in the eye, and label it for what it is, abuse. We need to spread the word that abuse comes in many forms. We need to face the discomfort and the denial that others have shown. To do so gives us power in a world where we were powerless.

-My name is Randi, and I am the victim and survivor of child abuse. I am sharing my story to illustrate the importance of knowledge and change. We have a responsibility to advocate for ourselves and scream the “A” word.  We cannot change our pasts, but if we speak our truths, perhaps we can save others from the horrors we experienced.  I can’t promise that everyone will listen, but that shouldn’t stop us from trying. We were once alone, but we aren’t now. I hear you. I will listen, and I promise to stand beside you.

originally published on Surviving Mom Blog

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