Trauma does lots of things to us and one of the most important things it achieves is that it creates protective parts that won’t allow that experience to happen again. The angry part that will respond violently to deter anyone taking advantage again. The capable part that will do anything to avoid being disappointed in people again. And those parts of us that shrink, people-please, or capitulate to ensure we don’t get into heated arguments.

Those parts are doing a great job, work not recognized and often demonized as unhealthy or bad. And so our adult logic brains tell us to get rid of that, to work on ourselves, to change. And in that work of change, something else is happening.

Those protections we built up over time have become part of our personality. True, not always parts that we love, yet still ours. And when confronted with change and movement, there can be a deep sense of grief, loss of ourselves and the way we are known. And within that is the question, “If these characteristics are not part of me anymore, who am I?” That existential question is one which can often present itself as lack of progress, being stuck, or the client not willing to “do the work.” When in reality this can be grief.

Grief can be interesting, as we often associate it with mourning an actual person, but it can also be an experience that has shaped us. Perhaps a past version of ourselves. Mourning something we could have had: hopes, dreams, aspirations that didn’t happen. And yes something that includes mourning parts of ourselves that we now recognize are not serving us anymore but we have had a close relationship with.

Trauma therapy is not only about building new patterns but recognizing the old ones and the ways they impacted our lives. The different ways they shaped what we are known as. To ourselves and to others. Realizing how those parts of us had allowed us to move past traumatic events in the way our systems knew best and giving them the praise they deserve.

Sitting with that grief is about recognizing that change is uncomfortable, and even while we might want it, there is loss involved. So this is your gentle reminder that trauma therapy will often include grief therapy. And that’s an important and valuable step in the process.

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