But what happens when one parent is a narcissist who is adept at gaslighting and manipulation? This article will focus on parental alienation and narcissism.

Parental Alienation

As you may remember from my last post, parental alienation is doing or saying things by one parent to their children against the other, damaging their relationship with the alienated parent.

The damaging parent might cause their children to fear, reject, or even hate the targeted parent as they are painted a picture that is ugly and full of lies.

There are many ways to manipulate children into despising their other parent, including isolating them away from the victim parent, undermining the other parent’s authority, asking their children for information that is negative against the other parent, and emotionally manipulating the children. By far, the most damaging thing done to children is to deny the targeted parent access to them.

Often, the offending parent displays narcissism while pitting the children and their other parent against each other to control and manipulate all involved.

Narcissists and Their Behavior in Divorce

The words narcissist and narcissism are improperly used in our society today to describe someone who doesn’t want to go along with plans or to classify someone in other ultimately silly ways. However, narcissism is nothing to laugh about as it is a severe condition where the narcissist manipulates and bullies people to do what they want.

Another way to describe narcissism is that it is extreme self-involvement by a person to a degree that makes them ignore the needs of those around them. Narcissists understand their behavior but refuse to change.

Narcissism is a trait, but sometimes, it is included as part of a more considerable personality disorder called narcissistic personality disorder on a spectrum. There are some common traits of narcissists, including the following.

A sense of entitlement. Narcissists believe that they are superior to others and deserve special treatment. They also think others should obey their wishes and that the general rules of society don’t apply to them.

When a narcissist faces a divorce, they feel they no longer have control over their ex-spouse, so they exert pressure on them by using the children as weapons, attempting to convince them their other parent is bad.

Manipulating. Narcissists use manipulation and controlling behavior. They draw in their victims by first trying to please and impress you, but soon, their needs will come first. Narcissists try to keep their victims close to maintain control, and they will exploit others to gain something they want.

Divorce means that their ex-spouse has escaped their manipulative grasp, and they think they should be punished. To exert control over their ex, narcissists will use their children as pawns to frustrate and harm them. Narcissists are supreme manipulators and will not stop alienating the other parent, tearing their children apart.

Lack of empathy for others. Narcissists are unwilling or unable to empathize with other people, choosing instead to ignore their wants, needs, and feelings. Their lack of empathy makes narcissists not take responsibility for their actions.

Children of narcissists, especially in a divorce situation, find the controlling parent using them to get back at the other parent and ignoring the fact that their children need love and understanding during such a tough time.

Narcissists believe they are wholly justified in destroying their ex and their children and do not take responsibility for their behaviors.

Tools Narcissistic Parents Use

Unfortunately for children, having a narcissistic parent in a divorce situation harms them and is a form of child abuse. The offending narcissistic parent may utilize a variety of tools to harm their ex using their children.

Triangulation is a standard manipulative tool that occurs when the offending parent vents to the children, causing them to bear the weight of the conflict, and sometimes uses the children to spy on the other parent. Being constantly told nasty things about the other parent and spying on them sets the children up for abandonment and attachment problems.

Another tool a narcissistic parent may employ includes gaslighting, where the offending parent distorts and denies reality while also making the children feel the need to defend the other parent. When the children do try to defend the other parent, the narcissistic parent will manipulate them back into their fold. The conflict the children feel is overwhelming.

There are as many tools that a narcissistic parent will use as there are children whose growth is stunted by their behavior.

Ending Our Time Together

To recap, narcissistic parental alienation happens when a parent with narcissistic traits maliciously alienates their children from their other parent. The offending parent accomplishes parental alienation by attacking the other parent’s character in front of their children.

Unfortunately, the vicious behavior by the narcissistic parent often leads to the children disliking and rejecting the other parent who is innocent of the things the offending parent said.

The available evidence suggests that parental alienation occurs in very tense separations and divorces, particularly if there is a bitter child custody battle. Unfortunately for the children, the offending parent uses cruel and callous words and behaviors, harming not only their intended target, the other parent but also the children.

Clearly, children who are raised where there is parental alienation often form mental health problems such as depression, anxiety disorders, and other serious conditions. Their physical health may also be affected as they may turn to food for comfort and gain significant amounts of weight, or conversely, refuse to eat and become anorexic. These conditions are only the tip of the iceberg for the number of physical and mental problems children in this situation face.

No matter how the situation unfolds, parental alienation is a severe and illegal form of child abuse that significantly harms the children involved.

Pride

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, which is offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Trauma-Informed Partner Support

Since CPTSD Foundation began, we’ve understood the critical role that supportive partners play in the life of a trauma survivor. Spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, and anyone who is directly involved in the daily life of an adult survivor of complex trauma.

This program provides that safe place of encouragement, support, information, and validation that supportive partners and helpers need. You are safe here, among others who understand the challenges of helping a survivor navigate daily life.

Learn more about this unique program that focuses on encouraging and equipping you, the supportive partner, as you help care for the survivor in your life and yourself.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

But what happens when one parent decides to cause alienation between their children and their ex? This article will explore parental alienation and how it affects children.

What is Parental Alienation?

Parental alienation includes doing or saying things by one parent against the other that damage the child’s relationship with the other parent. One parent causes their children to hate, fear, and reject the targeted parent and paints them as somehow unworthy of the children’s love.

Some forms of manipulation used by one parent against the other include:

• Withholding information from the children
• Exaggerating and lying to one’s children about the other parent
• Saying wicked things about the other parent
• Telling the children that the other parent doesn’t love them
• Forcing the child to choose who their favorite parent is
• Telling the children information they should not know
• Talking negatively about the other parent

All the manipulative behavior listed above is highly damaging, not only to the target parent but also to the children as well.

Other tactics used by the alienating parent that put great force on the children and that damage their mental health might include the following.

Isolation. The most commonly used tactic is where one parent isolates their children from the targeted parent.

Undermining the other parent’s authority. The one parent alienating the other may use negative attitudes and beliefs to vilify, ridicule, or demean the target parent.

Pressure. The alienating parent may pressure their children to provide them with negative information about the other parent, putting the children in a horrible conundrum.

Emotional manipulation. The parent who is alienating may use threats that they will withhold their love from their children to manipulate the child into emotional compliance.

Denial. The alienating parent denies the children access to the other parent.

How Parental Alienation Affects Children

One can imagine a child’s confusion when being manipulated by one parent against the other. They may feel forced to choose which parent they wish to remain loyal to. Parental alienation is a form of child abuse that harms children, and that hurt carries over into adult life.

Children experiencing parental alienation might experience anxiety, depression, trauma reactions, and other mental health problems. Mental health issues form because the push/pull by the parents sets up a cognitive dissonance in the child’s mind.

Cognitive dissonance describes children’s uncomfortable feelings when one parent’s words or actions conflict with the child’s beliefs. Cognitive dissonance leaves the child with a conflicted mind filled with confusion and fear.

Negative consequences to children include disturbing the child’s ability to trust because of their inability to trust their perceptions and feelings. The child may also develop an uncertain identity and feel insecure. Also, the child may learn that lying and manipulating others is okay to get their way. They may also learn to be cruel, uncooperative, and challenging.

Parental Alienation and the Law

Most judges treat parental alienation as child abuse in hopes of improving the child’s situation. When considering a case of possible parental alienation, the judge considers many things, such as what is the driving force behind a child’s negative actions toward the other parent and the child’s thoughts, emotions, and wishes.

Of course, the judge examines the evidence, including all relevant communications between the two parents, such as text messages, emails, and letters.

The judge may order that there be an evaluation of the child to determine if parental alienation is happening in the case and to what level it is operative. Sometimes, the judge will order individual therapy for the alienating parent.

The judge may also order that the alienating parent comply with a parenting plan set up during the divorce. If there is continued noncompliance, the judge can hold the alienating parent in contempt of court.

Another consequence of parental alienation is a modification in the custody arrangement. The court can change the physical or legal custody of their children, even disallowing contact between the alienating parent and their children.

As one can see, the law takes parental alienation very seriously. It will do what it takes to either bring the alienating parent in line with the judge’s ruling or, in severe cases, disallow contact between the alienating parent and their children.

Ending Our Time Together

Parental alienation is a terrible trauma to force children to experience. Not only do the children need to face the fact that their parents are no longer married, but they also experience child abuse from one parent against the other.

There is never an excuse for attempting to alienate your children from the other parent. The tactics are harmful and have life-long consequences. The long-term effects of parental alienation include an uncertain identity, lack of self-esteem, and deeply felt insecurities.

Although I haven’t experienced parental alienation, I have experienced attempts by my grandfather to alienate me from my mother. He used tactics such as telling me what a horrid woman she is and how she doesn’t love me. I was stuck between a grandfather I wanted to please very much and a mother unaware of what he was doing.

To this day, I live with the scars of being pushed and pulled by a man who did not have my best interest at heart. He would never have put me in that awful position if he loved me like he said. I find it very hard to trust anyone, even those I know well. My self-esteem was in the gutter for many years until I earned it back in therapy.

The final word on this topic is this: Don’t use your children as pawns in a nasty game of keep-away. Your children deserve better than that from you. If you are angry at your ex, keep it between the two of you; don’t allow it to flow over into the lives of your innocent children.

If you are a parent who has been alienated from your children, you do have rights. Unfortunately, for many, the high cost of combating this form of child abuse in the courts prohibits many from ending this horrendous practice. Some organizations can help by offering free or low-cost legal services. Check them out in your state.

“A child’s innocence is the one gift that, once stolen, can never be replaced.” – Jaeda DeWalt

Pride

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Trauma-Informed Partner Support

Since CPTSD Foundation began, we’ve understood the critical role that supportive partners play in the life of a trauma survivor. Spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, and anyone who is directly involved in the daily life of an adult survivor of complex trauma.

This program provides that safe place of encouragement, support, information, and validation that supportive partners and helpers need. You are safe here, among others who understand the challenges of helping a survivor navigate daily life.

Learn more about this unique program that focuses on encouraging and equipping you, the supportive partner, as you help care for the survivor in your life and yourself.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

This article will explore the different ways that memories of childhood trauma affect our lives.

Childhood Trauma

It would be advantageous to begin the discussion about how trauma affects our lives by first talking about childhood trauma.

Childhood trauma consists of any experiences or witnessing threatening or dangerous situations. These things that happen to children are often known as adverse childhood experiences.

Examples of childhood trauma may include:

• Neglect
• Physical abuse
• Psychological abuse
• Sexual abuse
• Terrorism
• Natural disasters
• Community and school violence
• The sudden loss of a loved one
• Living in a war zone

The list above is not all-inclusive, as there are many ways to harm a child.

The age of the child and the type of trauma they face shape the memories they will carry into adulthood. Some people remember what happened to them in childhood and do not repress their memories. However, for those who do not immediately remember what happened to them, memories may surface suddenly, causing chaos and depression in adulthood.

Resurfacing Memories of Childhood Trauma

Memories of childhood trauma resurface in a variety of ways, including during therapy, having a new life experience such as getting married or experiencing triggers that force the memories to the surface.

There are a variety of signs that you may have repressed memories, including:

• Feeling frustrated
• Feeling insecure
• Missing a sense of self
• Having low self-esteem
• Experiencing social anxiety

Once these memories of abuse come into consciousness, the person may not believe themselves and even question their sanity. Perhaps they knew that some things had happened but are now suddenly faced with more than they can handle.

How Traumatic Memories of the Past Affect Us Today

We are all a combination of our memories. If those memories are reasonable, we tend to remember them better. However, if those memories are traumatic, they may remain hidden for years until brought forcefully to the surface.

Many people experience traumatic childhood memories in flashbacks and how they respond to today’s stress. For example, a child is traumatized by a trusted adult and quickly pushes that memory out of their consciousness. Years later, that memory is triggered to life, and they experience a flashback. The survivor may then have their reactions to stressful situations colored after remembering the event, causing them to respond in what appears to be an irrational reaction.

Memories of trauma aren’t only held in your mind. Body memories are a real problem as your body relives the pain or even the pleasure of the traumatic event. (Our bodies may have responded in a pleasurable way to the trauma. That is normal.) Keep in mind that your body has been violated by adults when you were a child and that you are not responsible for how it responded.

We may also be affected by traumatic memories today in the way we respond to other people. This fact is especially true with intimate partners. We may not want intimacy because we remember, in the back of our minds, how much such behavior hurt us as children. Please do not beat yourself up if you have this reaction. You are human, and I’ll repeat it: your body was violated.

Handling Traumatic Memories and Putting Them to Rest

Traumatic memories are anywhere from slightly pesky to devastating. Most of what we must remember is ugly, and we may want to avoid these memories at all costs.

However, this type of memory will not simply disappear; it takes time and professional help to work through traumatic memories. How much time? As my therapist once told me, “It will take longer than what you’d like, but not as long as you fear.”

A trained trauma-informed mental health professional will sit with you and help to ground you when a traumatic memory surfaces. They may ask you to project the memory onto a wall and tell them what you see, thus moving the memory from being trapped in your mind and into the open, where you and your therapist can see and work on it.

There are many other ways to handle traumatic memories, as indicated in the list below.

Stop ruminating. Don’t relive on purpose the memories that cause you to feel violated and overwhelmed. If possible, save that memory until you are in the presence of your therapist so that you don’t work through it alone.

Practice mindfulness. With mindfulness, you will anchor yourself firmly in the present so that when flashbacks or memories emerge, you feel connected to the present.

Practice self-compassion. Remember that you are a survivor and need and deserve to be good to yourself. Make sure you eat right, get plenty of sleep, and offer yourself positive feedback instead of dwelling on the memory.

Acknowledge your emotions. Emotions are neither good nor bad. They just are. I’m sure you’ve heard that saying, but it is accurate. Don’t push away your feelings. Instead, acknowledge that they are there, and they are yours.

Learn from the experience. Even traumatic memories can teach you how resilient and brave you are. Don’t sell yourself short by thinking you could have somehow prevented what happened. Prevention was absolutely not possible because you were a child.

Ending Our Time Together

Traumatic memories of past abuses don’t need to rule your life today. However, you can’t rise above, go around, or under traumatic memories in an attempt to avoid or ignore them. These memories get laid to rest only by working through them.

The reason I sought out a therapist was because I suddenly had memories of horrific childhood abuse resurface. I thought for sure I had gone crazy because, before that day, I hadn’t remembered all that happened. I had vague memories that something had happened but was unaware of the depth and breadth of what occurred to me when I was a child.

I sought out the help of a good therapist and was very fortunate to find one on my first try. From the day I entered her office for the first time, healing began.

I had horrific memories spontaneously surface that caused me to feel chaotic and out of control. I would sob and shake while relating to my therapist what I knew had happened in the past, and she would weep with me.

My therapist used a variety of techniques to help me, especially the projecting technique. The memories would resurface one by one, and we would work through the emotions that accompanied them together. One day, I realized I had remembered all I needed to and that I was living a life free of horrific flashbacks.

It took me years to work through my stuff, so don’t be harsh with yourself if your healing is taking time. Never ever give up.

“Life can be so unpredictable; always remember that! The rain can pour down, and the winds can blow hard, sweeping away those peaceful moments you had. It’s never the end of the world when things go wrong. Just keep faith in yourself, keep going, and stay strong. Never give up on your dreams, and never give up hope.” – Mouloud Benzadi

“A star is a rock that never gave up on its dream to rise.” – Matshona Dhiwayo.

Pride

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Trauma-Informed Partner Support

Since CPTSD Foundation began, we’ve understood the critical role that supportive partners play in the life of a trauma survivor. Spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, and anyone who is directly involved in the daily life of an adult survivor of complex trauma.

This program provides that safe place of encouragement, support, information, and validation that supportive partners and helpers need. You are safe here, among others who understand the challenges of helping a survivor navigate daily life.

Learn more about this unique program that encourages and equips you, the supportive partner, as you help care for the survivor in your life and yourself.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

This article will focus on core beliefs and how they influence our lives.

What are Core Beliefs?

Core beliefs are those thoughts and beliefs about us that help us understand the world around us. Our core beliefs influence many aspects of our lives, including our self-image, career aspirations, personality, mental health, sense of right and wrong, and self-acceptance.

Most of our core beliefs form in childhood, and our childhood experiences change how we see ourselves and interact with our world. Core beliefs often lead to cognitive distortions that are inaccurate views of reality.

Core beliefs impact every part of our lives, including our career paths, and are most often unconscious. These beliefs shape who we are and are both positive and negative. Some examples of core beliefs include the following:

• I deserve attention.
• I deserve love.
• If others criticize me, they must be bad people.
• I’m superior to others.
• I am above the laws and rules of society.
• People don’t understand me.
• I must excel

Negative core beliefs significantly impact how we see ourselves as well as our self-acceptance, self-worth, and self-esteem. Furthermore, our core beliefs greatly influence us in that they determine how we see ourselves and others.

Where Do Core Beliefs Originate?

We are not born with core beliefs; instead, they are learned. Our personal core beliefs develop through life experiences beginning in childhood and continue to develop throughout our life span.

The strange thing about core beliefs is that any information contradicting them is often ignored. We base our core beliefs on several sources, including:

• Family dynamics while we were growing up
• What we hear in the media
• The quality and number of our peers
• Our thinking processes about our experiences
• Observations we make of other people
• Advice we receive from others

Unfortunately, core beliefs can also be based on adverse childhood experiences and the resulting attachment styles. We may believe different things about ourselves related to the trauma (abuse or neglect) we faced in childhood.

Because adverse childhood experiences often alter core beliefs, many who have a wide range of these experiences often have complex post-traumatic stress disorder as well.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Negative Core Beliefs

One of the core features of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) is the loss of positive core beliefs. This loss can lead to distrust, shame, guilt, and alienation from other people.

People with CPTSD view themselves negatively and the world as a hazardous and complicated place. Too often, people who have both CPTSD and negative core beliefs struggle to form and maintain healthy relationships and experience abandonment and abuse that echoes what they knew as children.

Although we cannot avoid having negative core beliefs, there are things we can do to change them and have a more positive outlook about ourselves.

Recognizing Negative Core Beliefs

The first step in changing your core beliefs is understanding what they are and naming them. The way to identify your core beliefs is to do some radical self-reflection and introspection.

Take a hard look at how you feel about the world and yourself. Attention to recurring patterns in your thoughts, behaviors, and emotions is critical. Pay attention to your thoughts that make you feel unsafe, disconnected, or hopeless.

You may be experiencing bouts of self-sabotage, avoidance of others, perfectionism, and people-pleasing (fawning). While you might recognize your negative and positive core beliefs, many people who have worked through their negative thoughts about themselves recommend you seek the help of a mental health professional, as they can help you see yourself more clearly and work things out better.

Replacing Core Beliefs

Although core beliefs are engrained in our being, they are not unchangeable. One can take many paths to change core values, which involve performing emotional work, which takes time.

Psychotherapy allows one to examine oneself in a neutral environment, and the therapist acts as a seeing-eye dog, leading you through the turns and curves involved in getting to know yourself.

In therapy, you may begin to examine how negative core beliefs affect your life, your thinking processes, and your opportunities for advancement. It isn’t easy to move forward with any positive life goals if you believe deep down that you do not deserve them.

To replace harmful core beliefs, you need a plan to allow you to know what a negative core belief is and what to do when one hits you. Remind yourself that negative thought patterns are not productive and instead are highly destructive to your life.

In addition to seeing a counselor, journaling can help you recognize your progress and bring to light any hidden negative beliefs you still harbor.

Ending Our Time Together

Everyone inevitably has at least one negative core belief, as no one’s life at home in childhood was perfect. Also, negative thoughts about oneself are normal if they do not change the trajectory of your life.

I understand negative core beliefs. I was full of negative thoughts about myself when I entered therapy thirty years ago. I thought I was weak and to blame for the abuse I endured when I was a child.

It took a mental health professional who was willing to be patient with me and teach me what to look out for in my thinking. Once I recognized my biased opinions against myself, I could work through them individually and put them to rest.

I will not say that I do not harbor negative core beliefs today, as I am still a bit of a people-pleaser, but I live today free from the baggage I once carried.

I wish to invite you today to examine yourself. Do you feel your life is going nowhere and that you are lost? It is time to look hard at your core beliefs, overcome them, and make a better future for yourself.

Remember, no one owns your future but you.

“Our enemy within is our Core Negative Beliefs. Negative beliefs hide from the Consciousness, and they get exposed by the Magic of Mindfulness and Awareness. Explore Your Core Beliefs, Challenge Existing Beliefs, Train Mindfulness, Understand Beauty, Work with Emptiness, Meditate.” ― Natasa Pantovic Nuit

Pride

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Trauma-Informed Partner Support

Since CPTSD Foundation began, we’ve understood the critical role that supportive partners play in the life of a trauma survivor. Spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, and anyone who is directly involved in the daily life of an adult survivor of complex trauma.

This program provides that safe place of encouragement, support, information, and validation that supportive partners and helpers need. You are safe here, among others who understand the challenges of helping a survivor navigate daily life.

To learn more about this unique program that focuses on encouraging and equipping you, the supportive partner, as you help care not only for the survivor in your life but also for yourself, please get in touch with us by using our contact page.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

In this article, we will explore together how to care for yourself when you experience the freeze/fawn responses.

A Review: What is the Freeze/Fawn Response

Have you ever wondered why you respond to the needs of others the way you do? Perhaps you do more for other people than you do for yourself. The freeze/fawn response causes this behavior.

First, let’s look at the freeze response. The freeze response occurs when you find you are in a position where you cannot fight or flee. Also known as the camouflage response, the freeze response keeps one from responding to a threat normally. With freeze, you cannot react and feel frozen in fear, like you cannot move or are numb.

When an intimate partner wishes to gain power over you and control you and the relationship, they may use abusive tactics such as emotional, psychological, or physical abuse. The fear reaction that results is the freeze response, where you shut down to avoid feeling fear, disappointment, and intimidation.

The fawn response is similar as it is also a trauma response most often learned in childhood, but that also occurs in adulthood. This response happens when, instead of trying to avoid the abuse by immobilization, you try to appease your abuser to minimize the danger.

Someone using the fawn response does whatever they can to keep the threat happy despite what they may need.

The Freeze/Fawn Response is the Ultimate Betrayal

Those of us who use the freeze/fawn response to get through life are committing the ultimate betrayal of ourselves. How can I say that? Because we bend over backward to fulfill other’s needs but ignore our own.

This self-betrayal has long-term effects on your mental health as constantly living your life hiding or appeasing takes its toll. Mental health conditions such as major depression and anxiety disorders are common consequences of the freeze/fawn responses.

Besides mental health problems, people who freeze/fawn lack boundaries, which leads to an inability to express their needs and desires in any relationship. People using these trauma responses also have a horrendous time standing up for themselves, leading to self-loathing and feeling trapped.

The fawn response leaves a person with a loss of identity, which results in toxic relationships, life-draining co-dependency, and neglecting self-care.

What is Self-Care?

We often hear or read posts about self-care, but what is it really?

While self-care looks different for everyone, it is behaviors that promote health and happiness. It is critical to have a well-balanced self-care regimen that covers the seven pillars:

• Mental
• Emotional
• Physical
• Environmental
• Spiritual
• Recreational
• Social

Self-care involves focusing on yourself, making sure you rest, reflect, replenish, and renew yourself as often as possible. Self-care means meeting your needs and goals as well as possible, taking notice of your accomplishments, and generally nurturing all parts of yourself.

If you exhibit the freeze/fawn responses, you are not doing excellent self-care. In fact, you may find you are doing just the opposite.

Self-Care in the Shadow of the Freeze/Fawn Responses

Those who have complex post-traumatic stress disorder often struggle with the freeze/fawn trauma responses. We have been programmed to ignore our needs and to make sure our abuser gets their way to protect ourselves.

Self-care is the last thing on the minds of those who live with abusive partners in a situation that is a reflection of what they went through as children. However, who will care for us if we do not care for our needs? We are only responsible for the actions we take and not the behaviors of others.

We must learn to care for our bodies and minds to achieve fulfilling and happy lives. This includes bathing, brushing our teeth, eating well, and, when needed, attending therapy to help us understand why we are the way we are.

Instead of worrying about what the other adult in the relationship is doing, we must spend time and energy caring for ourselves. The other person won’t enjoy our change of heart, especially if they are a narcissist, but they will survive.

It’s time to learn to care for our own needs and allow other adults to fend for themselves.

Overcoming the Freeze/Fawn Responses to Do Self-Care

As in any problem, the first step is awareness and recognition that you are using the freeze/fawn responses. Next, you must allow yourself to let go of any shame you may harbor for your trauma responses. Trauma responses are a normal part of being a mammal; when used correctly, they can save your life. You are not responsible, nor should you feel shame because you did what comes naturally.

If you can, it is imperative that you find a trauma-informed therapist. They can lead you to a deeper understanding of who you are and how you tick. Don’t worry; you will not need therapy forever, but it is critical if you are to break free of any abusive relationship you may find yourself in and take care of yourself.

Next, start noticing and honoring your basic needs, not allowing yourself to think to yourself that you aren’t worth it. You are worthy just because you are alive and breathing. Distinguish what you need from yourself and others to feel good about yourself and meet those self-care needs. You did not deserve the treatment you received as a child, nor do you deserve to be poorly treated today.

Find support by asking your therapist if they know of any meetings you can attend where you can gain more of the help you need. Millions of people are in your boat, so don’t turn down an opportunity to talk to others just like you. You need that sense of belonging to help build up your self-esteem, which has taken a brutal hit over the past several years or the course of your lifetime.

Ending Our Time Together

I have been in the boat where you wake up not wondering how you feel today but ask yourself, instead, how are we today, meaning your significant other? I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder that formed as a direct result of childhood abuse.

Growing up, I didn’t learn that I had a right to my needs and to get them met. As an adult, I still find I want to appease and please those around me to the detriment of my mental health.

Self-care? That was something other people did not me. My entire life, I was wrapped up in meeting other people’s needs and ensuring they had what they needed.

Then, in therapy, I learned to set my first boundaries, and I’ll be honest, I felt scared. I didn’t want to rock the boat, so to speak. However, I found that it felt delicious to tell others you may come this far and no more. My self-esteem slowly recovered and healed as I learned other self-care methods.

If you find yourself living through someone else, it is time to get a life.

I hope this piece was helpful and brought someone to understand that they are worthwhile and deserve to be treated as well or better than they have been treating others.

Pride Group

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, which is offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Trauma-Informed Partner Support

Since CPTSD Foundation began, we’ve understood the critical role that supportive partners play in the life of a trauma survivor. Spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, and anyone who is directly involved in the daily life of an adult survivor of complex trauma.

This program provides that safe place of encouragement, support, information, and validation that supportive partners and helpers need. You are safe here and among others who understand the challenges of helping a survivor navigate daily life.

Read on to learn more about this unique program that focuses on encouraging and equipping you, the supportive partner, as you not only help care for the survivor in your life, but also for yourself.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

By now, most of you have heard of the four trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. These four essential reactions are caused when you feel stressed, traumatized, or in danger.

This article will focus on the freeze and fawn responses related to codependency and ways to counteract them.

What are the Freeze and Fawn Responses

Freeze is your body’s biological reaction to a situation where you cannot escape, that causes you to shut down and literally freeze. The freeze response causes symptoms like the following:

• Your heart rate decreases.
• You dissociate to detach from what is happening.
• You may feel numb.
• You are immobilized where you feel you cannot move your legs or arms.
• You may find you are holding your breath.
• You feel confused.
• You have problems speaking.
• You are not able to act or decide.
• You lack focus and have trouble concentrating.

Another angle to consider is that, like all animals, sometimes playing dead or freezing in a very quiet stance can save your life. It is not uncommon for people who are being sexually assaulted to become immobile and incapable of running away or fighting.

Fawn is different. You may fawn when it feels safer to be submissive and obedient to your attacker than any of the three other responses. Fawning causes you to please and appease someone else instead of taking care of your needs. The most common incidence where fawn is used may be in an abusive situation, such as a child who cannot escape their attacker. The child might feel and indeed be safer if they fawn.

There are definitive signs that the fawn response is activated, which include the following:

• You have a hard time saying “no.”
• You are a people-pleaser.
• You pretend to agree with others.
• You do what you are told no matter what the consequences to you.
• You put other’s needs before your own.
• You are not able to set and maintain healthy boundaries.

As one can see, neither response is a healthy way to conduct one’s life. The freeze and fawn responses are rarely equal happiness and are a deterrent to doing well as an adult.

Freeze/Fawn and Codependency

Too often, adults who were abused as children grow up trying to appease and please all the people in their lives just as they did when trying to survive when they were younger. When the adult freezes and fawns over other adults, it is called codependency.

Codependency is an attempt by an adult — who grew up in a home that was harsh, critical, unforgiving, and full of abandonment and judgment — to relate to others.

Codependent adults suffer from a disorder born of complex trauma called complex post-traumatic stress disorder, a response to repeated and severe abuse and neglect.

The caretaking behaviors exhibited by those with CPTSD may have worked to reduce abuse in the past, but they are harmful to adult relationships. With codependency, the adult who has complex post-traumatic stress disorder doesn’t pay enough attention to their own needs and instead focuses entirely on the needs and wants of others, making them a sitting duck for narcissists.

Codependency has a spectrum ranging from minimal to becoming totally fused in the relationship, asking themselves what “we” need instead of what “I” need.

The Neurological Roots of the Freeze/Fawn Response

The human brain is hard-wired for empathy, instincts, and reflexes that help guide a person throughout life. Babies are born to reach out for love, seek security, and a sense of belonging.

When children don’t find the nurturing and love they need to feel safe, they will begin to form attachment styles that are not healthy, and that will last their entire life. Babies and older children are extremely good at reading their caregivers through their body language and how nurturing they are through mirror neurons (brain cells).

Mirror neurons help humans process facial expressions and interactions between individuals and those around them. This type of brain cell allows us to perceive other feelings without using any words. These mirror neurons enable a child to conform better to an abusive relationship because they learn to fawn to survive.

However, while fawning can prevent tragedy and supply some measure of safety, children who grow up using this survival tactic often have adverse mental health outcomes such as anxiety and depression.

Healing the Freeze/Fawn (Codependent) Response

One might use many techniques to overcome the fawn/freeze or codependence response.

First, one must understand where codependency initiates and what causes the behavior. Knowing yourself and what you went through as a child aids in the healing process by allowing you not to be a mystery to yourself. If you do not understand where the freeze and fawn responses initiated, it isn’t easy to overcome them.

Explore how your body holds your fear and how the freeze/fawn response makes you feel physically. Most people who experience codependency have a great deal of self-loathing. Because they hate themselves, codependent folks do not treat themselves well and are sitting ducks to become hooked at the hip with someone else. This self-hate is keenly felt in the body as chronic pain and eating disorders, to name a few.

Another way to deal with the freeze/fawn response is to learn to express your needs and wants. This task is difficult at best as we have been conditioned to not stand up for our needs or wants. Instead, we tend to believe we are doing great things by helping others when we are avoiding ourselves all along. Facing your fears and managing your trauma responses also requires saying the tiny word NO, which may turn out to be the most helpful word in the English language, especially when it is used as a complete sentence.

It is also critical to put yourself first. If you do not put yourself first, you cannot help anyone, including your children. Pause during your busy day to consider whether you have cared for your emotional and physical needs. Through this process, you will learn to loathe yourself much less and even to love yourself.

Ending Our Time Together

No one likes to admit they have problems with codependency, as in our society today, the word brings with it so much stigma. However, you were not born codependent; you learned very early that the freeze/fawn response would help you survive, emotionally and sometimes physically.

There is no shame in having a freeze/fawn response that is out of control. Codependency comes naturally to those who develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of childhood trauma.

I am a prime example of a person who has a codependent personality. I have significant problems with not thinking for myself, and when I do, I will quickly fawn to protect myself. I often get up in the morning asking myself regarding my brother, who I live with, “How are we feeling today?” although he does not ask for my response.

Living with a runaway freeze/fawn response is not easy, and I am working diligently to begin showing my true feelings toward everyone in my family.

If you, like me, have a problem with codependency, do not despair. Overcoming anything takes time, and I believe in both of us.

“When we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing happens: they hurt. They may feel a hole where you used to plug up their aloneness, their disorganization, or their financial irresponsibility. Whatever it is, they will feel a loss. If you love them, this will be difficult for you to watch. But, when you are dealing with someone who is hurting, remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful for them. If you have been enabling them to be irresponsible, your limit setting may nudge them toward responsibility.” — Henry Cloud

“When you say Yes to others, make sure you are not saying No to yourself.” — Paulo Coelho

References

 Roelofs K. “Freeze for action: neurobiological mechanisms in animal and human freezing.” Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences. 2017;372(1718):20160206. doi:10.1098/rstb.2016.0206‌.

Schmidt NB, Richey JA, Zvolensky MJ, Maner JK. “Exploring human freeze responses to a threat stressor.” Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry. 2008;39(3):292-304. doi:10.1016/j.jbtep.2007.08.002‌.

Trauma-Informed Partner Support

Since CPTSD Foundation began, we’ve understood the critical role that supportive partners play in the life of a trauma survivor. Spouses, partners, caregivers, siblings, and anyone who is directly involved in the daily life of an adult survivor of complex trauma.

This program provides that safe place of encouragement, support, information, and validation that supportive partners and helpers need. You are safe here and among others who understand the challenges of helping a survivor navigate daily life.

To sign up, go to https://cptsdfoundation.org/partners/

 The Pride Program

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, which is offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

What resolution have you set for yourself? How do you plan to go forward into the future?

This article will tackle new beginnings and following through on our goals in 2024.

What is a New Year’s Resolution Anyway?

A New Year’s resolution is a common tradition celebrated in the Western part of the world (but also in the East), where people declare that they will change traits or behaviors they do not like about themselves.

Resolutions are very personal and involve reaching for a goal one hopes to accomplish in the new year. A few common goals include losing weight or treating someone you know better.

There are many reasons to set a resolution for oneself on New Year’s Eve. Below are only two of them.

Resolutions make us feel good about ourselves. Making and keeping a resolution to yourself feels great. Celebrate even small victories toward your new year’s goal as you have moved a few inches forward in your healing journey.

Resolutions provide clarity. Making a list of goals provides one with direction, and then it is up to you to plan your next course of action. Without setting goals, you could waste your time, energy, and money, leading you to feel overwhelmed and unprepared for opportunities coming your way in the new year.

How to Make a New Year’s Resolution

There are a few simple rules to making your resolutions. Still, the most important is perhaps being realistic with your new goals. Making resolutions you cannot fulfill is not a good idea because you might feel terrible about being unable to keep your promises to yourself. One can see why making realistic resolutions is critical to meeting your new goals.

Here are some other tips for making great New Year’s resolutions.

Commit to your resolution. Commitments to change are easier to state than to accomplish. On the first day of the year, you may feel confident that you have set realistic and attainable goals. Still, the turmoil of life soon takes over, and you often find you have forgotten your promise to yourself. However, if you can commit and remind yourself each day of your new resolution, you will find you have reached your goals at least partially.

Write your resolutions down. Making a written list of your resolutions on paper in black and white often aids in helping you to remember what you promised yourself later when everyday life resumes. Write out a plan to accomplish each goal, being flexible with yourself.

Make one resolution and stick to it. Perhaps you are used to promising yourself several things around the new year but often find you have accomplished none in the end. You may not accomplish your New Year’s goals because you have set too many. Narrow down to one resolution for the new year and make it much easier to attain that goal.

Use reminders to help yourself remember. Reminders, such as a goal written on a sticky note and attached to your bathroom mirror, are beneficial. If you find your goal is too lofty, there is no sin in reducing it or changing it altogether.

Track your progress. How you complete this task depends on what goal you set. If you set a goal for therapy that you would like to accomplish in the new year, ask your therapist to help you track your progress. Suppose you have made a more personal goal. In that case, stopping and taking stock occasionally may be necessary to determine if you are on the right track. If not, adjust your course to get back on track.

Deciding to Make a New Year’s Resolution is a Personal Choice 

Some people do poorly when setting a new year’s goal. These folks often believe they will not meet their resolution or have set their goals too lofty, dooming themselves from the start.

Making New Year’s resolutions is unnecessary for some people, and others simply do not wish to make any. That is okay. No one will force you to make promises to yourself for the coming new year, and it is understandable not to if your life is in turmoil.

New Year’s resolutions are meant to bring a decorum of joy and self-control, not to punish you.

Make sure that your resolution, should you decide to make one, is motivating. If it isn’t, you’ll give up very quickly on the steps you could take to keep it. Resolutions are meant to lead to better and sustainable change, not to turn a goal into a burden around your neck.

Alternatives to New Year’s Resolutions

Not all New Year’s resolutions are made alike. Some will make goals to make positive changes in their appearance. In contrast, still others will resolve to do better in their relationships.

There are some alternatives to New Year’s resolutions you can decide on instead of setting a definitive goal for the new year.

Take time to reflect on the year that is ending. What goals did you accomplish? What good and bad things happened to you in the former year? How could you have handled the negative things that came into your life better?

Contemplate for several moments or even days how you could improve your new year without committing to a resolution.

You can decide you will be you in all that you do. Your resolution may involve setting new boundaries and remembering who you are in situations where you get lost.

Choose to do something else instead of making a New Year’s resolution. One choice is to do nothing at all. Enjoy the holiday without putting yourself on the spot by making goals you know you will not keep. It is okay not to set any resolutions; instead, move forward into the new year without expectations.

Ending Our Time Together

I tend not to set any resolutions, instead letting the new year unfold. That may seem counterintuitive to some, but going into the new year with an open mind works best for me.

I have attempted to set New Year’s Eve goals in the past, but I knew even as I spoke them that I would most likely not complete them. It’s not that I do not wish to lose weight or write more books, but, instead, I am involved in allowing my life to unfold as it will.

Hell, if I resolved, I’d feel obligated to make it happen, but I am already working toward goals I have set for myself to complete in my own time, so why push it?

I may not be alive at some point next year, and neither might you. After all, we have this moment and no more. The greatest resolution I could set for myself is to live well and defeat those who hurt me so long ago. Since this is a daily goal of mine, it seems silly to make it a goal just for 2024.

One promise I can make for 2024 is to keep writing better and better content for you to enjoy. The CPTSD Foundation and I are dedicated to uplifting and educating you on the impacts of complex trauma and helping you navigate the maze that is life.

Happy New Year from all of us here at the CPTSD Foundation!

“At times, the solution to a maze is to reduce it to embers and walk straight through the ashes.” – Mary Doria Russell

“Life is a maze from which we never escape. Every decision takes us in a different direction, and every time we turn one way, we could just as easily have turned the other.” – Chloe Thurlow

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, which is offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

This article focuses on prioritizing your mental well-being during the holidays, including New Year’s when you are a survivor of cruelty.

What is Mental Wellness

The World Health Organization (WHO) defines mental wellness as “a state of well-being in which the individual realizes their own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and can make a contribution to his or her community.”

Emotional wellness reflects your ability to deal with and understand your feelings. It involves focusing on your thoughts and feelings plus monitoring any reactions you have that define your identity and barriers to what may make you emotionally unwell.

Mental wellness allows you to:

• recognize your abilities.
• work productively.
• cope with daily stress.
• feel and act in ways that have a positive impact on you.

Some of the benefits of being mentally well are:

• emotional well-being
• social well-being
• psychological well-being
• enhanced self-acceptance
• growth
• positive relationships
• purpose
• self-sufficiency

Mental wellness is something that most people struggle to obtain and that can be reduced or destroyed at any time. All it takes is a trauma, such as the death of someone close, to change your mental wellness forever.

What is Mental Illness

Also called mental health disorder, mental illness is many mental health conditions that can affect your thinking, behavior, and mood. Some examples of mental illness are depression, schizophrenia, substance use disorders, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and eating disorders.

Mental illness is a common condition that affects millions of people every year.

The following statistics are sobering.

• One in five (19%) of adults living in the United States experience mental illness.
• One in twenty-four (4.1%) people have a severe mental illness.
• One in twelve (8.5%) people have a diagnosable substance use disorder.

Although most people experience mental health, all people have concerns for their mental well-being from time to time. Concerns become mental illness when symptoms cause a lot of stress and affect how you function.

Mental illness makes people miserable and causes problems in daily life.

The good news is that most mental illnesses, including complex post-traumatic stress disorder, are treatable. With medications and the appropriate therapy, most people will recover from their disorder or at least experience their symptoms in remission.

The Importance of Self-Care During the Holidays

While Christmas is a joyful time of year, it comes with enormous stress on those who celebrate it or any of the December holidays. It is critical to remember to take good care of your physical and emotional needs while being bombarded with Christmas cheer.

Excellent self-care will aid you in circumnavigating the holiday blues because it strengthens your ability to resist the negative connotations that the holiday can bring.

Below are a few methods of self-care you can use to enjoy the holidays better.

Recognize what is essential to you. Take time to refresh yourself on your values and ensure you understand that your Christmas will never look like someone else’s, so don’t feel it is necessary to compete with others. Your values and boundaries may tell you that you should avoid your family of origin. If so, it would be incongruent for you to compare yourself to someone who enjoys theirs. Make Christmas and the other holidays your own, not someone else’s.

Create and stick to healthy boundaries. During the holidays, setting healthy boundaries that honor yourself is vital. Make what you will and will not tolerate known to people you spend time with during this time of year and respond if they cross them. Remember, you always, always have the option to leave.

Stay focused on the present. Although many people have good memories of past holidays, survivors have a more challenging time enjoying themselves. Unfortunately, memories of the past often carry a negative connotation, carrying with them visions of past abuse. It is critical to find ways to keep yourself from flashing back to the years when you were hurt, such as learning and using grounding techniques to bring you back to the here and now quickly.

Be sure to make time for yourself. Don’t allow yourself to fill up your calendar with social events because you need time to practice self-care. Alone time is critical to recharging your batteries when the world goes mad during the holiday season. Find time to center yourself by using meditation or mindfulness, two vital tools, while visiting and unwrapping presents.

If you take good care of your physical and mental needs throughout the holidays, you will gain the ability to handle life in general. Think of Christmas time as a classroom full of triggers. Learn to control yourself when you have a flashback or are otherwise triggered, and you can carry what you learn into the rest of your ordinary life.

Protecting Your Mental Health During the Holidays

Because the holidays are so stressful, it is critical to protect your mental health from deteriorating. It isn’t only the blues that affect people during the season of supposed cheer; anxiety and stress are predominant, making people miserable during the time of ho-ho-ho-ing.

To put the above paragraph into perspective, ValuePenguin surveyed 2000 people and found that 67% of people in the United States expect to feel anxious. Also, 79% of Americans with children younger than eighteen feel stress the most. Women (70%) are likelier to feel anxious and stressed in comparison to men (64%).

The leading causes of the stress and anxiety people feel are attributed to financial struggles, the loss of a loved one, seasonal depression, and other troubles. These other problems may include:

• having poor relationships with family.
• not being around loved ones during the holidays.
• being around family during the holidays.
• viewing social media posts and feeling upset.
• having unrealistic expectations of what Christmas should be.

Sadly, 61% of U.S. consumers think they’ll experience loneliness or sadness.

Methods to Protect Your Mental Health During the Holidays

The greatest asset anyone has is good mental health. With good mental health, you can do anything you want. The holidays can overwhelm your ability to maintain good mental health and send you into depression or worse.

According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), there are methods you can employ to help you get and maintain your mental health during the holidays. For one, you can pay close attention to your feelings. Are you overwhelmed? Do you need to go home?

Another way to protect your mental health during the holidays is to make a plan ahead of time to go for a walk or do something that makes you happy. Making and following a plan of action will help ensure you can handle the difficult moments with family and friends.

Yet another way to safeguard your mental health during the holidays is to help others. You can check in on those who are alone or shut in and volunteer to feed people experiencing homelessness at a shelter. Offering yourself as a volunteer brings excellent satisfaction, and you will feel in control and calmer.

Ending Our Time Together

I realize that some people feel my suggestions for those who have complicated families of origin are controversial. In this series and elsewhere, I’ve stated that you can have no contact with your family of origin or severely limit your time with them. Some people have written and told me that one can correct their point of view, and poof, they will get along with their families.

That suggestion is unrealistic for so many reasons. Some families of origin are unsafe for both physical and mental health. Some families of origin have rejected the survivor anyway, so it is essential for their mental health to stay away from their family.

This series aims to address the problems people face during the holiday season. I knew I needed to write this series to help myself get and remain grounded. I, too, suffer a bit during the holiday season, experiencing flashbacks and dealing with my own family of origin.

Just remember, you are not alone, especially during the holiday season. I’m with you and understand your struggles, as do the other staff at CPTSD Foundation. We’re here for you if you need us. We’re always open.

I hope and pray that all of you have a safe and quiet holiday and enjoy yourselves in making new traditions with your family of choice.

“Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.” – Calvin Coolidge

“Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we’re here for something else besides ourselves.” – Eric Severeid

Pride Program

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who personally understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

This article will explore the hazards of having a dysfunctional family of origin and ways to ease pressure and disappointment.

What are the Holiday Blues?

According to NAMI (The National Alliance on Mental Illness), approximately 1 in 5 adults have some form of mental health disorder. For those who have formed complex post-traumatic stress disorder, dealing with having a mental health condition combined with the holidays often brings increased depression and anxiety.

The holiday blues or holiday depression causes the holidays to, instead of being a time of rejoicing, turn into a time of painful reflection and loneliness. Even people who are not survivors of childhood trauma can experience the blues during the holiday season. Christmas places unusual demands on them, leaving them exhausted.

The most common holiday blues symptom is depression or recurring feelings of sadness that begin as the holiday season starts. While some people who have the holiday blues are almost debilitated, others experience only brief bouts of depression mixed with feeling upbeat.

Other symptoms of the holiday blues are very similar to those found in seasonal affective disorder (SAD) and may also include:

• Changes in appetite
• Depression or irritability
• Difficulty concentrating
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Feeling tense, anxious, and worried
• Loss of pleasure doing things you enjoy
• Feeling fatigued

Because the above symptoms are so similar to both major depressive disorder and seasonal affective disorder, you should consult your mental health professional for help.

What Causes the Holiday Blues?

The jury is still out on what exactly happens in the brain to cause the blues during the holiday season. Stress is believed to be the main culprit mixed with trauma experienced in childhood or recent events.

Other sources of sadness during the holidays are:

• Fatigue
• Unrealistic expectations
• Over-commercialization of Christmas
• Feeling financial stress

Having the inability to be with your family of origin (FOI), even though they drive you crazy, still causes feelings of guilt or being left out. However, knowing you will be with your FOI can also cause enormous stress.

Reliving hard times lived in a series of flashbacks of the prior Christmas’ adds a new dimension of sadness to the person who has survived childhood abuse. Many remember the danger of being out of school for the holidays, which brought on more abuse or the problems with alcohol their parents and relatives may have had.

Emotional Overwhelm at Christmas

Emotional overwhelm is challenging to deal with any time of year, but especially at Christmas. Emotional overwhelm is a state of upset because of intense emotion and is difficult to manage. This condition makes you behave irrationally, keeping you from completing daily tasks.

There are several causes of emotional overwhelm, including stress, having survived a traumatic life event (or series of them), and, of course, Christmas. Emotional overwhelm occurs when the intensity of your feelings overcomes your ability to manage them.

Some of the most common symptoms of emotional overwhelm are:

• Feeling physically ill
• Disproportionately responding to insignificant situations
• Feeling fatigued
• Having trouble focusing
• Withdrawing from friends and family
• Having problems completing even simple tasks
• Your emotions color how you perceive your world
• Feelings of intense grief or sadness during happy occasions
• Flashbacks to traumatic events that happened in your life

People who experience emotional overwhelm are often overcome with negative emotions such as fear, guilt, anger, and, sometimes, mania.

Surviving Dinner with Toxic Relatives

We’ve all been there. We’re invited to a Christmas dinner with our family of origin. We dread it because we haven’t seen some of these people in a year and don’t particularly look forward to it now.

If you have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, Christmas dinner with the family can cause extreme distress. Our trouble with meeting with our family of origin may be related to them drinking excessive amounts of alcohol or because they were responsible for your having CPTSD.

Because our family of origin is dysfunctional, they may argue or make snide comments about you or treat you with disdain because you are in therapy. Whatever the cause, emotional overwhelm creeps in weeks in advance as we dread the unhappiness we will feel being in our family of origin’s presence.

You can do at least four things not to become overwhelmed at Christmas dinner with your family.

1. Don’t take anything your family says or does personally. It doesn’t matter what others say or do because those things come directly from their issues. You are not the cause of their rude behavior; they are projecting their inadequacies and fears onto you.
2. Plan ahead. Decide ahead of time who you will sit next to and the types of conversations you would like to engage in. Think of your answers to relatives who are nosy about your life and healing journey. Preparing ahead gives you an edge and helps you to survive unscathed.
3. Befriend yourself. Plan what you will and will not tolerate from your family. Build boundaries with the people at Christmas dinner and stick to them, especially if they try to shame you. Tell them in no uncertain terms that they are disrespecting you and that you will not tolerate it.
4. Leave. You are human and deserve love and respect from everyone, including your family of origin. If your family does not give you what you deserve, leaving either the conversation or the dinner altogether is okay. Keep in mind that your emotional well-being is vital and that you deserve to be treated with dignity, love, and respect.

The bottom line is that you ultimately control how you respond to your family of origin. They do not control you; you do.

Steps for Avoiding Stress During the Holidays

Have you ever noticed that when we visit our families, we fall back into the roles we had during our childhood? This regression is a standard psychological defense mechanism. This particular defense mechanism attacks us, especially when we are in the presence of our family of origin, because of the stress we feel and our emotional overwhelm.

If you experience regression with your family, don’t fault yourself. Regression is a normal response by our brain that will default to previous social experiences that it recognizes from the past.

There are some things you can do to help you if you find yourself regressing into old roles by examining your family dynamics and what you want from the holiday.

Set firm boundaries. Setting firm boundaries is difficult at best if you have never set any with your family. Even if you have set boundaries before, your family may ignore them and step beyond your drawn line. However, you owe it to yourself to push back and remind them that you will not tolerate such behavior.

Accept your family for who they are. You cannot change other people; this is an undeniable fact. Wishing your family of origin would change will not make it happen; it only sets you up for misery. Find what you like about your family of origin and concentrate on that. If there is nothing you can think of, why are you there?

Stop the cycle of manipulation by family members. Many families use emotional manipulation to place guilt on members so they will attend Christmas dinner. It is critical to reassure yourself that you are making the correct choice for you. Going to Christmas dinner is not a requirement by law, so why attend if you know your family will mistreat you?

Keep in mind that the holidays will soon be over. Because you are experiencing emotional overwhelm, it can be challenging to remember that Christmas is one day per year, so your time of misery is limited. When caught up in anxiety and emotional overwhelm, it is beneficial to use some grounding techniques that you have practiced ahead of time.

Ending Our Time Together

Trauma can leave people struggling with complex post-traumatic stress disorder that makes going through the holidays hell. But it doesn’t need to remain that way. You can choose to find a new family and spend the holidays with them instead. Your family of origin may object and try to guilt you into attending their dinner, but you can say a resounding no.

I have flashbacks throughout the Christmas season, but I have learned not to dread them because I have techniques I use to pull myself out of them. One of the techniques that works well for me is deep breathing. Somehow, breathing deeply in through my nose and slowly out my mouth brings me calm, and it can be done anywhere.

Don’t set your expectations too high regarding your family of origin and Christmas dinner. Doing so will only bring you misery and enhance your emotional overwhelm.

Remember, too, that you have friends here at CPTSD Foundation who are always here in some fashion to help you cope. We care deeply for you.

“So if you’ve always been a ‘giver,’ take some time for yourself in your life – to stop, be still, to allow the Universe to nourish you. We all deserve nourishment, even if we were taught those many years ago that we didn’t.  And if you give it permission, the Universe is happy to provide.” – Katherine Mayfield

“But remember that this is a dysfunctional pattern, born of misunderstanding and misinterpretation.  We can’t know what others truly need, but with a little investigation, we can find out what nourishes us and place our focus there.  Then we become a role model for others – when we see someone nourishing themselves, we tend to allow more space in our lives to do that for ourselves.” – Katherine Mayfield

Pride Program

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who personally understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

However, for some survivors who have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, this time of year is especially hard because they also have compulsive buying disorder. This article will focus on these mental health issues and, at the end, list some things you can do to help yourself if you suffer from them.

What is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

To understand how complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) and compulsive buying disorder (CBD) go together, we must first tackle what the two disorders are.

First, let us examine CPTSD. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is a condition caused by repeated child abuse of any kind. Some types of child abuse are sexual, physical, emotional, narcissistic abuse, and neglect.

Unfortunately, childhood trauma is not rare: it is estimated that 70% of adults in the United States have experienced some type of childhood trauma. In addition, of the 90% of children who have experienced sexual abuse, 33% of those children were also exposed to community violence. To add, 77% of children who are involved in a school shooting will develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (the National Council for Behavioral Health).

Adults who grew up experiencing repeated abuse have many problems associated with complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Mental health problems that often accompany CPTSD include depression, anxiety disorders, and substance abuse disorders.

Symptoms that are found with complex post-traumatic stress disorder include:

Negative self-perception, such as seeing oneself as not worthy of love and, in some cases, feeling unworthy of life. The person may also suffer from imposter syndrome, during which they feel they are faking, and someday someone will figure that out.

A lack of emotional regulation. For example, explosive anger and ongoing sadness cause problems in personal relationships and friendships. It should be obvious how CPTSD causes harm to a person’s marriage or employment.

Difficulty with relationships. People living with CPTSD avoid others and often mistrust them. These folks may also not understand how to interact with others and fear forming new relationships.

Changes in consciousness. Those who live with CPTSD often feel dissociated (detached) from their emotions and body, causing them to stare off into space and look disinterested in their surroundings. Changes in consciousness often cause memory problems, which make their situation worse.

What is Compulsive Buying Disorder

Compulsive buying disorder (CBD) occurs when someone has an uncontrollable need to shop and spend, leading to distress or impairment. CBD negatively affects not only the person doing the shopping but also those around them as money is often spent that they do not have.

One research paper describes CBD as follows: “Compulsive buying is chronic, repetitive purchasing that becomes a primary response to negative events and feelings and may include symptoms equivalent to craving and withdrawal” (Lejoyeux et al., 2010).

There are many reasons why someone shops compulsively, including the following.

• Having an underlying mental health condition such as depression or anxiety
• An uptick in boredom or stress
• Trying to cope with negative emotions

Childhood trauma has been associated with many types of self-regulatory difficulties in adults, including compulsive buying behavior. Research performed by Sansone et al., 2013 used a self-reporting method on a sample of 370 patients, asking about five types of childhood trauma before the age of 12. The researchers found that there were specific correlations between childhood trauma and compulsive buying disorder, particularly those who were found to have witnessed violence and/or experienced emotional abuse.

Some of the symptoms of CBD are as follows:

• Obsessing over making purchases daily or weekly
• Shopping to cope with stress
• Steal or lie to continue shopping
• Feeling regret over purchases but find they cannot stop
• Buying unnecessary things that go unused
• Feelings of intense euphoria or excitement after buying something
• Maxing out credit cards or opening new ones without paying them off
• Being incapable of paying off debt incurred by compulsive shopping
• Trying and failing several times to stop the shopping

It is easy to see how distressing compulsive shopping disorder is to those who have it and the ones they love.

Are Compulsive Buying Disorder and CPTSD Related?

Having complex post-traumatic stress disorder and overspending go hand-in-hand in that compulsive buying disorder is used as a method to self-soothe. Sometimes, people who have experienced childhood poverty use shopping to improve their self-esteem.

Research has shown that the compulsion to shop and spend money is connected to childhood trauma, especially witnessing violence and experiencing emotional abuse. As we have stated, complex post-traumatic stress disorder is caused by exposure to childhood violence. Thus, the two are connected and have similar symptoms.

Other disorders associated with compulsive buying disorder include:

• Anxiety disorders
• Depression
• Mood disorders
• Poor impulse control
• Substance use disorders
• Eating disorders

Having both CPTSD and compulsive buying disorder is hell on earth.

Four Stages of Compulsive Buying Disorder

Compulsive buying is not just an action; it has predictable stages that occur before, during, and after spending. The four stages are explained below.

1. The person living with compulsive buying disorder begins to have thoughts and cravings to go shopping. The person may focus on the act of shopping, or they may have a certain item in mind.
2. Preparation to shop. The person with CBD begins to search for sales and rebates to qualify for their shopping and decides to go.
3. The thrill of shopping for bargains begins giving the person with CBD euphoria while doing it.
4. The person will buy something or sometimes many things, and the person with CBD will feel remorse when the shopping has ended. They may be disappointed about the money they have spent only afterward.

Compulsive buying disorder may follow disappointment, stress, fear, or anger. This person may feel their shopping is out of control but is powerless to stop it from happening.

The diagnostic criterion for compulsive buying is an over-preoccupation with buying and distress because of shopping.

Clearly, someone with compulsive buying disorder needs help with ending their cycle and the pain and suffering overspending causes.

The Treatment for Compulsive Buying Disorder

Ceasing buying cannot treat a shopping addiction, as people must buy what they need to function. However, one method to treat CBD is for someone with the condition to turn over control of their money to someone else.

Perhaps a better choice of treatment is cognitive behavioral therapy or individual counseling with a mental health professional. In these two types of therapy, the person with a shopping addiction and people with a compulsive buying disorder learn impulse control and how to identify their triggers.

If the shopping addiction is from deeper emotional problems caused by a mental health condition, some types of medication intervention may help. Only a mental health professional can determine if you need medication.

The purpose of treatment is to interrupt the self-perpetuating cycle of shopping addiction by facing the issue and developing new, healthier ways of thinking, acting, and feeling their emotions.

Some people receive help from 12-step groups, but, while these groups do offer support, they are not right for everyone.

Ending Our Time Together

Shopping addiction is a serious condition that should not be ignored. If you suffer from compulsive buying disorder, you are not a failure, nor are you evil. You have an addiction, and, like other addictions, you need help to heal.

Don’t bog yourself down with guilt if you have CBD. Instead, you need to realize that you are suffering from a mental health disorder and not to blame. However, if you do not reach out for help, you are the cause of your lack of funds and are responsible for any bills you may incur or that go unpaid.

If you need assistance, please seek out professional help immediately. If you don’t know where to go, you can call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. The call is a confidential and free resource that is available 24 hours a day, 365 days per year. The service is offered in English and Spanish.

You can also visit the online treatment locator or send your zip code via text to message: 435748 (HELP4U).

Another great resource for finding help is to contact your insurance carrier and ask them for a referral.

“Don’t allow your own insecurities to keep you away from the career or lifestyle you believe you deserve.” – Germany Kent

“Look beyond your current circumstances to future happiness, wholeness, wealth, and new beginnings.” – Germany Kent

References

Lejoyeux, M., & Weinstein, A. (2010). Compulsive buying. The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 36(5), 248-253.

Sansone, R. A., Chang, J., Jewell, B., & Rock, R. (2013). Childhood trauma and compulsive buying. International journal of psychiatry in clinical practice, 17(1), 73-76.

Pride Program

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who personally understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com