“What stops victims from leaving?”

It used to be called “domestic violence,” when, in fact, abuse isn’t always violent. Before any types of violent abuse occur, there have been months, if not years, of more subtle, but as destructive, forms of abuse:

• Verbal abuse: Insulting, shouting at, and threatening partner for the smallest reasons. Uncontrollable bouts of anger. Victims feel uneasy and unsafe. 
• Emotional Abuse: controlling and manipulating partner by gaslighting, lying, threatening, or by giving silent treatment; as well as switching from loving to distant/ unavailable regularly, isolating the partner from loved ones.
• Financial abuse: stopping a partner from getting a job. Withholding partner financial help and stopping access to bank accounts, forcing the partner into prostitution/ trafficking. 
• Neglect: Not caring for an ill or disabled partner. Not seeking medical care. Not giving emotional support and meeting the needs of the partner.

Sexual abuse, rape and sexual abuse aren’t always violent either. If there aren’t any physical signs of struggle or “defensive marks” on a victim, it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, nor does it prove the victim consented to the act.

Domestic Abuse: The latest statistics.

The Office for National Statistics blog page reads: “From the new questions, we estimate that, for the survey year ending March 2024, 8.0% of people aged 16 years and over experienced domestic abuse in the last year (equivalent to 3.9 million people). When breaking the figures down by sex, we estimate 9.5% of women (2.3 million) and 6.5% of men (1.5 million) have experienced domestic abuse in the last year.”

In the patriarchal society we live in, women are most at risk of domestic abuse; however, all genders suffer when no one should be victims of abuse. All have the right to live safely and peacefully. Figures don’t truly give the real picture and don’t convey the suffering that victims and survivors go through.

What stops victims of domestic abuse from leaving?

• “Didn’t they see the red flags?” 

They probably didn’t, and not for lack of intelligence: perpetrators groom victims. Grooming can take the form of “love bombing” and of only showing their sweet, romantic side, saying everything the other person wants to hear. Groomers are often very good at making their partner relaxed and trusting while detecting someone’s fears, worries, and vulnerability. Perpetrators also groom their partners’ friends, children, and family. They lie and manipulate police officers and judges against their victims.

• “Why bring it up now? Or if it is true, why wait so long to speak up?”

There are many reasons why a victim/ survivor doesn’t speak up straight away: for adult survivors of child abuse, some forget the abuse. Forgetting isn’t something they control: the mind does that in times of extreme distress, to survive. What can a small child do against an adult anyway? Victims are often threatened: “If you say anything about this, I will kill you/ your kids/your pet…” Some survivors have actually spoken out and reached out to the police or other people in authority, only to be further abused or for their cases to be pushed aside.

• “Why didn’t they say NO or just leave?”

 Another survival skill is “Freeze”. It is when a victim is paralyzed with fear, knowing that rebelling means more pain or even death. At other times, the freeze response is automatic, and victims feel shame, or are shamed, for not fighting back or for not saying “Stop”, for letting it happen. Many scream NO, and the perpetrator doesn’t stop. Is it as simple as that?

• “Don’t you think they are doing this for attention? for money?”

Society views victims as weak, vulnerable, and somehow responsible for the abuse they’ve experienced. IF cases involved “powerful” figures, such as Donald Trump, Jimmy Savile or Huw Edwards, these individuals are always protected by the institution for which they work, and by other powerful friends. Some victims did speak out, went to the Police to report, but they weren’t believed. The last resort is to go to newspapers, but by telling their stories, they are then accused by the public of seeking fame and fortune.

We often hear of financial settlements, but those are a way for the perpetrators not to go on trial. If there were more solicitors willing to go pro bono or if the justice system weren’t so financially out of reach for many victims, there would be fewer settlements and more offenders convicted. 

The Domestic Abuse Commissioner’s latest report, Shifting The Scales –  Transforming the criminal justice response to domestic abuse,  identifies 3 barriers blocking the way for victims and survivors from speaking out and reporting their ordeals.

1.  “Victims and survivors do not identify with terminology around domestic abuse.”  

 A lot of people still believe that if a partner isn’t physically abusive, they aren’t covered in bruises, it isn’t that bad. It isn’t domestic violence. Or victims are being turned away from police stations because there are no signs of violence

2.   “Police have lost the trust of victims and survivors”: 

In recent years stories of police officers killing, raping women, such as Wayne Couzens, as well as the MET lack of care and cover-ups, have seriously damaged what little trust the public held towards them. Police Perpetrated Domestic Abuse is a real issue and needs to be dealt with on every level.

3.  “Victims and survivors have had their  own – or have witnessed others’ – negative  experiences of the criminal justice system”: 

Too many victims are further traumatised and shamed during police interviews and by the criminal justice system. For instance, while being cross-examined in court, victims are often treated as if they are criminals or liars for bringing perpetrators into court. Not enough cases go to trial. Not enough trials bring justice to victims. The report shows that, by the end of March 2024, the estimated number of victims was 2,307,000, 851,06 2 cases were recorded, and only 38,776 offenders were convicted. 

In conclusion

There is more awareness than ever of Domestic Abuse, but unfortunately, prejudices and misunderstandings persist. 

• Most people still believe that if the abuse isn’t physically violent, it isn’t abuse. It isn’t that bad. There is still this misconception that victims can and should be aware of red “flags” and that it is easy to leave if victims really wanted to. 

There needs to be more education about the grooming process and more subtle types of abuse (such as verbal and emotional abuse) 

• Victims are encouraged to speak up, to report, and to leave, but when they do, they are shut down, shamed, and abused by the people who are meant to protect them. The Justice system is outdated, out of reach for many, and is guilty of favouring the perpetrators (White, rich, powerful men) 

For victims and survivors of domestic abuse to speak up and to leave, they need a safe space to go to. They need compassionate people around them and a fair justice system fighting for them regardless of their gender, the size of their bank account, and their place in society. 

• The infamous video of Cassie trying to escape P. Diddy, for him to strike her multiple times and pull her back into their hotel room, has gone viral on social media. Still, some people ask, “Why didn’t she leave?” A lot of individuals will defend him no matter what, even when faced with clear evidence. Of course, some knew, but they looked the other way. There was a lot of money to make, and nobody wants to kill their golden goose. Capitalism and fame/ idolatry enable some of the worst human behaviour. 

Society needs to put people’s well-being,as well as their safety, first. People before profit. People before power. Right now, it feels hopeless, but we need to persevere in enabling victims and survivors of Domestic Abuse to share their stories, to find refuge, and for them to rebuild their lives. 

Sylvie Rouhani

If you need help, you can contact the organisation below:

Refuge  “Refuge is the largest domestic abuse organisation in the UK. On any given day our services support thousands of women and their children, helping them to overcome the physical, emotional, financial and logistical impacts of abuse and rebuild their lives — free from fear.”

 ManKind Initiative:  “The Mankind Initiative is the principal, expert and specialist charity in the UK focusing on male victims of domestic abuse.”

Reducing The Risks: “Domestic Abuse can happen to anyone, but it doesn’t always present in the same way. Those in the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans Queer Intersex Asexual+ (LGBTQIA+) community may experience specific forms of abuse and be at risk of certain types of abuse more often than others.”

Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

John-Paul Ford Rojas recently wrote in The Daily Mail: “Britain is suffering its longest sick note epidemic for 25 years as 2.7MILLION people claim they are too ill to work and holding back the country’s economic growth in the process” Please read: “People claim they are too ill to work” Meaning: “They are lying and work-shy.” “Holding the economy back:” Meaning:” The current disastrous state of the economy is the fault of all those liars and work-shy individuals.” All following the popular theories. Take Mel Stride, for instance, who declared: “Mental health culture has gone too far.” And “Normal anxiety life is being labelled as an illness.”

For 13 years, under a Conservative government. People suffering from mental illnesses have been subjected to increasing abuse and mistreatment in the forms of Work Capability Assessments, the creation of Universal Credit, with a long process to get first payments, penalising individuals for minor errors, placing them into distressing living and emotional conditions; some losing their lives waiting for support and care, others dying by suicide, pushed to their limits.

UN warns UK government ‘demonises’ disabled people with ‘onerous’ benefits system: “Rosemary Kayess, the chair of UNCRPD, said: “We see a reform agenda that is framed in a political narrative that demonises disabled people, including proposals to cut disability benefits to reward working people by cutting taxes, which tells disabled people they are undeserving citizens.” Later, She adds: “Reforms within social welfare benefits are premised on a notion that disabled people are undeserving and skiving off and defrauding the system. This has resulted in hate speech and hostility towards disabled people.” Indeed, hate speech and hostility towards disabled people have never been higher.

The constant dehumanization of disabled people has been brought a few times now to the UN, but no concrete actions have been put in place for change. As the General election approached, it was clear the Labour and Conservative parties were planning further attacks on their most vulnerable citizens – anyone who was sick, living in poverty, and unemployed. Liz Kendall, Labour’s Shadow Work Secretary, declared on the 4th of March 2024: ” Under the Labour party, if you can work, there will be no options of a life on benefits.” The Standard read as follows: “Labour has promised tougher measures on handing out benefits payments as it sets out plans to reduce the number of young people out of work, education or training.”  If their promise is to support young people to get easier access to work or apprenticeships, that is great, but “Labour has promised tougher measures on handling out benefits” feels like more unnecessary punishment and pressure instead of making sure these young vulnerable adults have a safe and supportive system in place while they work things out and heal. There are plans for DWP to have access to benefits claimant’s bank accounts just to make sure they aren’t lying and committing fraud.

The standards of living in the UK have seriously plummeted, with “The Cost of Living Crisis” and ever-increasing food, bills, mortgage/ rent, etc. Even those who work can’t afford a decent lifestyle. Working doesn’t pay enough anymore. Getting into University puts young adults in debt for most of their lives and no longer guarantees a good job/ life. There is a constant fear of becoming homeless and of losing everything, which all creates stress, anxiety, depression and trauma for parents and their children. Stressed and unhappy parents make stressed and unhappy children. People are struggling to survive: how can they be fully present for their children? These situations create Attachment Trauma. Small and big kids are not getting what they need more than anything: loving, caring and available parents. These little ones will grow up with difficulties such as ADHD, depression, anxiety., and more. They will be labelled as difficult, attention-seeking, and childish.

Adult survivors of child abuse (whether mental, emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse.) have already been through hell, trying to manage a life of total despair. If some get out of the abusive parental home/ or care setting in one piece, they will have more difficulties than others in building their adult life. Some will fit well into society – workaholism and being forever busy are also trauma responses, which are celebrated, but still, these individuals are left alone to carry their pain. Society doesn’t mind nor care if you are struggling as long as you can play the rat race game, even to the detriment of your health and happiness.

For those whose trauma manifests as depression, anxiety and lethargy, having great difficulties even going out in the world, feeling frozen in fear and in sadness, with no one to turn to, and for those dealing with inflammatory illnesses, with chronic pain as well as mental illness, who really can’t “actively participate in the economy”, they are doomed to suffer even more. They are dealing with having to beg for the emotional and financial support they need and deserve. They are more likely to be dismissed by GPs or so-called mental health experts. They are constantly bullied in the news, in the papers and in politicians’ speeches. They are hunted down and pushed to death by DWP – IT IS BULLYING AND PERSECUTION.

Suicide rate rise in England “very concerning, says charity.” Nic Paton wrote, on  8 Apr 2024, for Occupational Health Plus. “In all, 5,579 suicides were registered in England in 2023. In response, the mental health charity Mind has called the figures “very concerning”. Jen Walters, Mind executive director of social change, said: “Even one suicide is one too many. The causes of suicide are many, complex, and vary from one person to another.” She added: “What we do know is we are still feeling the seismic effects from the pandemic, and the cost-of-living crisis is continuing to have a devastating impact on society. We must do much more to reverse this.”

 You can read about my own experience of suffering from mental illness as a result of severe child abuse, which was labelled as BPD, and how it has affected my work life on the page – About Sylvie. Suffice to say the messages we are receiving through the media – social, newspapers and News – as well as from politicians: “You are lazy. You are not wanted here. Everything is your fault, and you deserve your “lifestyle”. You are useless to us. You are just pretending to be ill, so you don’t have to work.” resonates strongly with the words I grew up hearing, from my biggest bully: my own mother. It is triggering, cruel and abusive.

Take gentle care of yourselves – it isn’t easy to live in such a cruel society.

Sylvie

You can read:

 – The Office of National Statistics’ latest release, Suicides in England and Wales Statistical bulletins

– On Winter Turns into Spring: The impact our environment has on our mental health.

– I tell my story in The Blossoming Lotus

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

Rape Crisis: England and Wales give the following statistics: Between October 2022 and September 2023: 1 in 4 women (6.54 million in total) have been raped or sexually assaulted;
1 in 6 children have been sexually abused;
1 in 18 men (1.34 million in total) have been raped or sexually abused – as adults.

On the 15th of March 2024, Rape Crisis published the following article: Alarming scale of sexual violence and abuse on mental health wards. It reads: “These investigations have uncovered deeply concerning incidents and safeguarding failures within mental health inpatient settings – almost 4,000 sexual safety ‘incidents’ were reported between January and August 2023, perpetrated by a combination of professionals and fellow patients. We commend the enormous courage and tenacity of the survivors who came forward to speak about their experiences of sexual harassment, rape and sexual abuse, raising awareness of this issue.”

Charlotte Lynch, for LBC, wrote, on January 2024: 139 Met officers reinvestigated for rape and sexual abuse after being allowed to keep their jobs. “They  (The Operation Onyx  Team) checked 1,418 officers and 218 staff for missed investigative opportunities, which resulted in 139 live rape and sexual abuse investigations now being dealt with by the Domestic Abuse and Sexual Offences team.” 

Vikram Dodd, Police and crime correspondent for The Guardian, on Fri 9 Feb 2024: Met officers dissuaded children from making sexual abuse claims, report finds “Other failures listed in the damning official report include blaming children for ‘making poor choices’ Metropolitan police officers tried to put off children from making complaints about alleged sexual abuse and privately blamed young people for crimes suffered, a damning official report has revealed. Most investigations into child exploitation were rated as inadequate by His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC). Of the 244 cases it examined, 43 were graded as good, more than half (121) as inadequate and 80 as needing improvement.”

On the 3rd if September 2023, Ed Thomas – Special Correspondent – published on BBC News: Family courts: Children forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse. It reads: “Dozens of children have been forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse, a study has found. In some cases in the research, revealed for the first time by the BBC, the fathers were convicted paedophiles. In all cases, fathers had used a disputed concept in court known as “parental alienation”. The heartbreaking stories in the article demonstrate the little support found by protective mothers/parents, who are further abused by ex-partners and by the judicial system, separating them from their children and destroying lives instead of protecting them.
On the 17th of April 2024, Sanchia Berg, for BBC News, wrote:  Paedophiles could be stripped of parental rights under a new law

Speaking to BBC News, “Ms Harman said paedophiles who were guilty of that crime in the future would be “automatically deprived” of their parental rights.”  This is long overdue and needs to be implemented as soon as possible.

All these statistics and figures are just the tip of the iceberg. They certainly don’t reflect the profound damages (in mind, body and spirit) rape and sexual abuse/assault have on victims. For the last few years. There have been a few scandals relating to “celebrities” and individuals regarded as “powerful” and “hiding in plain sight.” Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, Epstein, Dan Schneider, Jimmy Saville. The list is endless. The same pattern occurs when those public figures are pulled out of the shadows, victims are treated as liars and publicly shamed: “Why did the victims speak sooner?” or “Instead of talking to journalists, why not go to the police?” Victims go to the police, and victims speak out (loud and clear), but they are the ones being relentlessly bullied: “Did you say NO?” – “Did you make it clear you didn’t want to?” “S/he/they are too powerful. Nobody will believe you.” – “It is just the s/he/they are! Let it go.”

Let’s not let the “high profile cases” make us forget all the children and adult victims and survivors in danger of sexual assault on a daily basis, at home, by a parent, a sibling, a family member, the church Priest, or the Scout coach. Perpetrators are everywhere. They are skilled liars and groom everyone around them to hide their dirty secrets, but it is clear that there is always some “rumour” or at least one person notices something but brushes it under the carpet. It isn’t that they are hiding in plain sight, it is that too many people know, but turn a blind eye.

The focus on prevention is missing the mark. Whilst educating children about personal and physical space and boundaries, “No, you can’t touch me there.” – “No, I don’t want to. Stop this” is important; it places the responsibility on the victims to stop the abuse when they, often, are too young to understand what is done to them and too young to defend themselves against an adult. The same goes for adults, especially women; “Don’t go home late and alone. Don’t listen to music when walking. Don’t wear this or that” and, again, the famous: “Make sure you make it clear: No is No” A rapist doesn’t care what a victim does or says.

A reminder: the only person entirely at fault is the abuser.

So, what needs to be done – beyond lovely slogans, #s, and prevention?

Education is needed to break all victims’ shaming and blaming myths.

Victims (big and small, and all genders) need safe places to go to and loving, supportive people around them. They need someone who holds space for all their emotions and experiences. They need to be heard.
They need professionals who do their job properly, defending them and holding the perpetrators to account.
Allies – non-abusive parents and carers – must be included in children’s care and safety plan and supported alongside their children.
Regardless of status, position of “authority”, bank accounts sizes, ALL PEPETRATORS should be arrested and face the consequences of their actions.
Law and legislation need to be changed so that supportive and protective parents can keep their children with them.

There is much to do and to be changed. Oftentimes, it feels hopeless.

Take gentle care of yourselves.

Sylvie

Helpful websites:

WE STAND: “Child sexual abuse affects the whole family. It can fracture family relationships and creates lasting trauma. We Stand takes a unique whole family approach to supporting victims of child sexual abuse and their non-abusing parents, carers, and siblings. We aim to ensure that all families impacted by child sexual abuse are supported to move on positively with their lives.”
Helping Survivors: “Our goal is to help people who have been impacted by sexual assault and abuse get the resources and assistance they need and deserve.”

The Survivors Trust – to find support in your local area

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

– This a longer article than usual, I wanted to describe my experience as thoroughly as possible –

In 2014, after a traumatic breakup, my daughter moved in with her Dad, with very little money and being officially homeless, I was referred, by Lewisham Council, to Certitude, specifically to their “Shared Lives Scheme”: “Shared Lives is a quality alternative to residential care settings where people live as part of a family.” The page reads as follows: Shared Lives Carers support people within their own homes, either in a long-term arrangement, day support, or on a respite basis, which may be a day, weekend, or a few weeks at a time. People benefit from consistent support from people who know them well and build positive relationships and friendships.”

To be fair, looking at their website now, things have changed, since 2014. The scheme, back then, entailed me being paired up with a “Living Carer.” I was to stay with her for up to two years, depending on my progress. It was a time for me to recuperate and to live independently again, with all the support I needed.

Unfortunately, this isn’t what happened. The day I moved in, I was broken, I didn’t stop crying. I had just lost my home. I wanted to die, every single day. One of the first things M (my” career”) asked me was if “I’d like to join them, on Sunday.” I didn’t understand, what she meant. So, she added: “To church?” I politely declined the offer. At the time I was a practicing Buddhist. 

The next day, as I couldn’t stop crying, I poured my heart out to her. She got talking about her Faith, and, as the curious being I am, I asked her some questions, informing her I had a different faith. Her passion inspired me to go back to my own practice. The next day, we had another chat. She got the Bible out and cited some passages. I felt uncomfortable. I felt she was trying to convince me to join her. I felt it was inappropriate for her – as a carer, to open her Bible. My past training in the homelessness sector taught me not to talk about religion or not to indoctrinate patients. As a support worker, of any kind, you keep your beliefs to yourself. It is called being professional.

This was confirmed to me when they invited me to have dinner with them, Earthquakes just shook Nepal and I was glad someone I knew just come back to the UK, a few days before. When M’s husband, A screamed: “This happened because THEY don’t believe in THE ONE TRUE GOD!!” I left, disgusted the living room.

 “In a few words: she didn’t want me there.”

The other thing M was insisting on was that I save money to get my own TV so I could watch in the privacy of my bedroom. Once, I settled with them to watch TV. She made me feel very uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, I left quickly. In the bedroom I was offered, there was a broken computer desk that I had to get rid of, myself. I asked for a replacement or a small shelf. I never got a replacement. There was a big wardrobe, with a door off its hinges. This was fixed when I was out, without any notice. There seemed to be a few excuses to get into my room when I wasn’t there. They had a living room, with a big dining table but they put stools for me to eat at the kitchen top. The kitchen was small and there was barely any space for 2 people to be in there. I was given one tiny cupboard, for my own food and kitchen ware. I wasn’t allowed to leave a few essentials in the bathroom, such as my soap and toothbrush. In a few words: she didn’t want me there.

I noticed she kept letters inviting me, and herself to attend monthly residents’ groups. She watched everything I did. I was given a few chores but, it was never done properly. The house was cluttered and messy but, I was the problem.

She would forget my laundry days and had to ask her husband if I could do my laundry. She was supposed to cook healthy meals when I first arrived but only bought me microwave meals. 

On a regular basis, she would let the electricity meter run out, and she would be out all day. Turned out, she had a full time job and, adding all her church activities, she was barely in the house. Her full time job was supposed to care for me, to take me out, to provide a safe environment for my recovery. It was evident, I was extra money for her.

She told me to “think positive.” When I replied I didn’t like this piece of advice, she retorted: “What else am I supposed to say?” This was after spending the afternoon in A&E, felling suicidal and being given Valium to calm me down.

Once, as I was swiping the floor, I found a £10 note in a shoe. I was puzzled. What was it doing in one of her shoes? My intuition told me she was testing me: will I take the £10 note? I decided to leave it there, so it was visible. After a couple of days, it was still there, so I told her: “There is £10 in your shoe? isn’t that weird?” The way she feigned her surprise showed me everything I needed to know. It had been a trap.

Another lady arrived a month or so after me. The small cupboard in the kitchen was divided between us. Same thing in the fridge. We had on tiny shelf each. She too had to squeeze in the kitchen to eat. She had a smaller room than I had. She wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. She later was moved to another property within the scheme.

I had complained about things feeling off to S, the manager since I had first moved in. I was told it is always difficult to live in someone’s home and having to adhere to certain rules. It wasn’t the point I was making. The manager was appalled M left us with no electricity, on a regular basis. M was warned but, it still happened. There was talk about moving me to another property. It didn’t happen. I discovered my “flatmate” was moved to the same property I was offered within my first months of living with M and A, but never got to move into. I was unhappy about this.

I kept a record of all the occasions I was called to clean the mess that wasn’t mine. My every move was monitored. I felt persecuted. I WAS persecuted. It escalated until I started to seriously battle with thoughts of self-harm. I acted upon them too. Soon after, I wrote to the manager, again, informing her of my struggles. A meeting with M, herself, and myself was scheduled. I added if they didn’t move me as soon as possible I will fill in a formal complaint. Why wasn’t I moved in the property my flatmate was offered?

“S told me M wanted to punish me, she wanted to harm me with this comment. “

During this meeting, M feigned to be choked at my anger (Didn’t you know individuals diagnosed with BPD are angry monsters?) I never seemed happy and willing to fit in. S brought up the time she read the Bible to me; M challenged me “Which passage of the Bible?” “I don’t know”, I replied, “it is a big book”. “We are a family!” She exclaimed. I flinched! “No, we aren’t.”

 M brushed off the incident of her husband shouting passionately “Those people deserved to die in earthquakes because they didn’t believe in the ONE TRUE GOD.” “I cannot talk for A.” Same as the time A told me off for not picking up THEIR soap off the shower floor.

At the end of the meeting, M declared haughtily: “Well, I didn’t want to bring it up but, your bedroom is very smelly!” She made it sound as if I was one of the most disgusting people in the world. I felt as if I had just been slapped.

I was left alone with the manager, once M left. S told me M wanted to punish me, she wanted to harm me with this comment. She had been in my bedroom, to check if I was comfortable: “It didn’t smell and it was clean and orderly.” S finally through M. She also worked out M was working full time when she wasn’t supposed to.

“How many people, such as M, are using these care schemes, offered full training, to indoctrinated vulnerable individuals into their places of worship? Or just to make themselves feel good and powerful? Or just to get extra money? “

Thankfully, I was moved into my own supported accommodation, soon after. M and A gave me a hard time until the end: “Make sure you leave things as you found them!!” They repeated and again. On the last day, I just shouted at A: “I am leaving!!! Let me be!!” Maybe I should have brought back the broken desk and gotten the wardrobe door off its hinges.

Waiting for my friend to help me move my things, I took a walk. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t breathe. When the last box was in the car, M asked if I was coming back to clean the bedroom floor and give her my last weekly payment of £20. The money was on the table. I said: “Sure, I’ll come back.” I left the key and never came back.

S sent me a review/ feedback a few weeks after I departed from the scheme. “Your concerns have been taken seriously. M will no longer work for us.” I never sent this feedback letter: I wanted to put all of this behind me.

10 years later, I still have nightmares of becoming homeless and moving into an awful place. I still see M, in my dreams (Nightmares) regularly. I saw her a couple of times in the neighborhood. I still feel anger at the abuse I endured in her “care.” And I am till mad at the way it was mishandled. This is the reason why I am writing about this now.

Even though, I spoke out, loud and clear, it took too long for my warnings to be taken seriously. It shouldn’t have happened. S was a lovely woman, but I wished she had listened to my concerns much earlier.

How many people, such as M, are using these care schemes, offered full training, to then indoctrinate vulnerable individuals into their places of worship? Or just to make themselves feel good and powerful? Or just to get extra money?

I know for a fact that M was sacked from Certitude but, before I left, I saw files on the living room table to join Bromley’s ( South East London – UK) own scheme. I wonder if she is working still, in this capacity? Is she still abusing vulnerable people, in the community? Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was.

I am also sharing this to let others know: that if you are mistreated, talk to someone. I hope and pray someone listens to you and protects you. I know too well we can speak up but, unfortunately, it doesn’t mean we will be listened to and protected. We all deserve a safe place to land, so we can recover from whatever hardships we’ve experienced.

Take gentle care of yourselves.

Sylvie

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

The article goes on as follows: “People who carry negative thoughts and experiences are sometimes better off suppressing them rather than opening up, going by tests done by University of Cambridge scientists.

The team said their work could turn out to be a refutation of the “commonly-held belief” that brushing things under the carpet and moving on “is bad for our mental health.”  This research included 120 people from different areas and backgrounds. It further says that individuals who participated still felt much better, a few months later.

First of all, there aren’t any “bad” thoughts. But, there are painful ones. There are inner parts of us whose suffering shows up in our thoughts, emotions, and our actions. As human beings, it is natural to try and avoid painful feelings and emotions. We also need an amount of denial to survive, to a certain point but, total oblivion isn’t healthy.

Unfortunately, the advice to distract ourselves from inner turmoil, in New Age circles, religious groups, and, in some therapeutic settings, we are bombarded with tips to avoid, to reject. to minimise emotional distress and deep-seated trauma. Below are some of the most popular platitudes victims and survivors of childhood trauma hear most of the time.

• “Did you try and read a book? Take a bath? Going for  a walk?”
• “Be grateful”
• “Happiness is a choice!”
• “It is all in the past. Leave it there.”
• “Think positive.”
• “Reject the negativity.”

“Renowned experts in trauma-informed and compassionate therapy models, such as Dr Pete Walker, Dr. Chris Germer, Dr. Kristin Neff, and Dr. Richard Schwartz, all agree: the only way to happiness and fulfillment starts by mindfully becoming aware of our emotional pain, then we strive to make space for it, acknowledging it and accepting it.”

What we ignore, shut out of our minds, will always bubble up to the surface, sooner or later, in ways that could be hurtful for ourselves and others. It will show as impulsive behaviour and thoughts. For instance, in 2014-2015, I was attending group and individual Mentalisation Based Therapy (MBT). In essence,  MBT was to help us (6 people suffering from BPD) change our (disordered) thoughts and behaviour patterns. None of the therapists there wanted to discuss histories of child abuse or child neglect. The main message was: “Forget about the past. Get on with it!!” This was very damaging to me. It was insinuated, that I choose to live in the past and to experience flashbacks.

Renowned experts in trauma-informed and compassionate therapy models, such as Dr. Pete Walker, Dr. Chris Germer, Dr. Kristin Neff, and Dr. Richard Schwartz, all agree: the only way to happiness and fulfillment starts by mindfully becoming aware of our emotional pain, then we strive to make space for it, acknowledging it and accepting it. As follow:

One way to practice mindful self-compassion is through the S.A.F.E.

• Soften: Ease into the emotion. Take a deep breath and recognize its presence. What emotion are you feeling? Where is its origin?
• Allow: Give the emotion permission to exist as it is. Inhale and exhale, acknowledging the emotion without resistance or judgment.
• Feel: Attend to the sensations in your body that accompany the emotion. Where do you feel it? What does it feel like?
• Embrace: Embrace yourself with compassion. Place your hand over your heart or give yourself a hug. Say kind words to yourself such as “May I be kind to myself” or “May I be patient with myself”.

“On a deeper level, an inner part of me (a very young part of me) felt so rejected, so scared, so unwanted (and she really was)she didn’t want to be alive. She didn’t see the point of her own existence.”

Another example from my own experience: for years, I tried to be positive, cheerful, and grateful. I tried to forget, tried to put it all behind, I chose happiness so, why, wasn’t I happy? I just thought I was doing something wrong. Maybe I was damaged, never able to recover.  In 2021, I felt suicidal most of the year. With the support of a caring and respectful therapist, I recognised my suicidal feelings as emotional flashbacks from the first years of my life. Sadly, rejected and unloved, as I was, I didn’t have any desire to live. I felt no joy. When I finally stopped pretending to be happy and positive and started to accept myself as I was, in total despair, was I able to feel joy and I found the desire to live.

On a deeper level, an inner part of me (a very young part of me) felt so rejected, so scared, so unwanted (and she really was) that she didn’t want to be alive. She didn’t see the point of her own existence. When I heard the inner voice saying: ” I want to die!”, the inner dialogue turned from: “Oh don’t feel like that! You have so many things to be grateful for! Try this, this, or that. Try harder!” or “What the fuck is wrong with you?” to “I hear you: you don’t want to be alive. You are hurting. I am sorry.” and I asked: “What do you need? How can I best support you, right now?” Her answer was: “Please, don’t leave me. Please, stay with me! Please, LOVE ME.” So, through meditations, and more inner dialogues, I made her feel safe, loved, and wanted. Now, she experiences joy and a love for life.

This process of responding compassionately to my inner parts, and these experiences were a gradual process. And it still is an ongoing process. I still have days when some inner parts feel futility (What is the point?) or petrified or doubtful. There are no easy, quick fixes on a journey of recovery from childhood trauma. Patience is important.

Here are quotes from the experts I mention in this article:

Pete Walker,  psychotherapist and author, who has written extensively on the topic of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), writes in his book: The Tao of Fully Feeling: Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame:  “The only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid unavoidable pain.”

Here is what Kristin Neff, a pioneer in Mindful Self-Compassion with her colleague Chris Germer,) writes on her website – Tips for Practice – ” With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation.“

Gabor Mate said: “The attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain.”  and “Being cut off from our own natural self-compassion is one of the greatest impairments we can suffer. Along with our ability to feel our own pain go our best hopes for healing, dignity, and love.”

For more information on the IFS Model, I highly recommend Drm. Richard Schwartz’s book: No Bad Parts

You can relax and listen to this beautiful Mindful Self-Compassion meditation from Dr. Chris Germer, below.

Take gentle care of yourselves,

Sylvie

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

At the beginning of  July, I received a package: copies of my book and promotional material.  I danced around my flat, my heart racing with excitement and butterflies in my stomach. I met a dear friend and we celebrated. As the week went on, I started to be overwhelmed by a sense of doom, futility, and fear. Hello, old friends.

I had it all planned, in my head and I had already approached my local bookshop for a possible book launch there. All week, it seemed impossible to get the ball rolling on that. I felt a sense of urgency. The panic to get things done and quickly. I didn’t want to miss out on any opportunity. I needed to accomplish things so as not to become a failure. I felt as if I’d done something terribly wrong or that something terribly wrong was just around the corner, in the shape of my cruel mother, mocking me, and punishing me for not succeeding at anything, before I even started anything. I was experiencing strong emotional flashbacks, from distraught inner parts.

For a few days, I kept a copy of my book, by my side. ” I created this! ME!” It seemed unreal. I slowly shared to great news with my closest and dearest. I received a lot of congratulatory texts and voice messages; “Wow, you are amazing.” or “Well done!” I wasn’t able to fully welcome those sweet words. I felt so anxious, I experienced stomach and chest pains for a few days. I felt low. It was quite similar to what I described in my previous article “The Pleasures of Life” But, this time, even more intense. A part of me was rejecting the praises. “All they see is the result but, they don’t know how I truly feel.”   Some might think of the book as a TOTAL victory over my past, but it isn’t.

Because it has been a while since I felt overwhelmed by emotional flashbacks, it reminded me, that, although I have been going through deep emotional and spiritual healing for the last few months, I carry parts of me that are afraid, terribly afraid. There are things I carry that might never go away. I still have days when I need to rest. The world outside is full of love and joy, yes, but, at the moment the darkness seems to take more space. I hate going out in busy places, using public transport is very stressful. I need my routine, to keep calm. 

So I eased myself into this by slowly reaching out to a wider audience on Social Media. “Here is The Blossoming Lotus” I reached out to my friends who, as always, understood my emotional experience. I meditated and used the New Moon’s energy to sever all cords still shakling me to my mother. (The new moon is always a great time to release and invite something new.) I saw Mother in her own bubble of light and me, in my own. I saw her floating away… away and disappearing. I then welcomed the energy and the Love of the Divine Mother. It occurred to me, I no longer needed my “human mother” who brought me so much pain, it nearly killed me a few times. All the Love I need is here and now, within me all around me.

” After years of feeling heartbroken and orphaned, I feel now I can leave the past in the past – more than ever before anyway.”

I went away for a few days. It was a welcomed break. It was still an emotional time, being back in France in an area I avoided for decades, meeting a half-brother and his family. I even met a long-lost half-sister. I never had a father but I have found a loving and caring family. After years of feeling heartbroken and orphaned, I feel now I can leave the past in the past – more than ever before anyway. I have experienced acceptance and the freedom to be myself as I have never experienced with family.

One evening, after my mini break, before sleeping and focusing on the Divine Mother, I felt Her cuddling me, soothing me as I saw “Baby Sylvie”, this new-born inner part who was never wanted nor loved. I felt this inner baby feeling loved, comforted, and soothed for the 1st time. As the days passed, I had a strong inner knowing I was no longer in a space filled with and ruled by abuse, neglect, and emotional pounding reducing me to a miniature size. I now occupy a bigger energy space, filled with Love, Compassion, joy, and goodness that I readily share, first of all, with my daughter and friends and, then with the wider world.

“Of course, we need to celebrate achievements and lives, but space is also needed for tender loving care and support, through emotions, even if they seem contradictory to the joyful events occurring in the present time.”

We live in a society that solely focuses on external results and success. People hear of victims and survivors of child abuse stories and it makes great movies, books, great TED Talks. Of course, it gives hope and inspiration. We certainly NEED hope and inspiration. However, It seems to be so easy to forget someone’s pain and challenges: “Oh, look, She has a job/ opened an exhibit (…) , she is fine!” or “Wow, he has been through so much, it is amazing!” Of course, we need to celebrate achievements and lives, but space is also needed for tender loving care and support, through emotions, even if they seem contradictory to the joyful events occurring in the present time.

Let’s celebrate our achievement, yes, but, let’s not forget that, for some victims and survivors of child abuse, “victories” might be a time of confusion and stress. All the love and all the praises, from the Universe/ the Divine Mother (or God/ Goddess) and from people around me, can be very overwhelming to some of my inner parts. This recent energic shift I experienced, and now occupy, is new territory so, of course, it is going to feel uncomfortable. During difficult times and even during times of celebration, I now know I need to take gentle care of myself and ease into things.

I believe we are all beings of light, living a complex human life, in a complex human world. Gently does it.

Sylvie

You can also read: “Child Sexual Abuse: when healing is painful” on Winter Turns into Spring.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

In the pretence of only wanting to protect children, fingers are being pointed at Transwomen, Drag Queens, any LGBT members, at Foreigners/ Immigrants. While fingers and anger are misdirected, while politicians use children’s traumatic experiences for their political agenda, more children are being raped and abused, mostly at home. While real perpetrators are free to pounce on their young prey, innocent people are being used and abused. This needs to stop.

Back in February 2023, in my neighbourhood, a far-right group – Turning Point – gathered in front of a pub, protesting against a Drag Queen Story Hour, claiming out loud, they were there to stop the sexualising of children. Similar events are happening, pointing fingers at the LGBTQA+ community. Fortunately, Turning Point was outnumbered by local residents in support of the Drag Queen Story Hour. Unfortunately, all over the world, such protests are gaining momentum.

On the 5th of April 2023, Suella Braverman singled out men with a Pakistani background as the main perpetrators of white girls. She also defends an anti-immigrant law, implying male refugees are also perpetrators. Sir Peter Wanless, NSPSS CEO, issued a warning, saying it was “vital” to remember “that any child can be a victim of child sexual exploitation and adult perpetrators do not just come from one background.” He added, “Sexual predators will target the most vulnerable and accessible children in society and there must be a focus on more than just race so we do not create new blind spots that prevent victims from being identified.”

Soon, the Labour Party posted this ad:

Later, Rishi Sunak claimed politicians should offer “less talk, more action.” Clearly, child sexual abuse and child exploitation are used as political tools to win people’s favour and garner votes in the upcoming elections.

While groups of people attack and point the finger at others and while politicians argue, millions of children are being raped and the real perpetrators are getting away with it all, as they usually do. As we look back at Jimmy Savile, Rolf Harris, Gary Glitter, and, let us not forget, Jeffrey Epstein, with his closest friend Ghislaine Maxwell, and Harvey Weinstein, the list continues to go on and on. Every single one of these individuals got away with using and abusing children for decades. They were “hiding in plain sight,” meaning that so many people knew and “heard rumours of inappropriate behaviour,” but they decided not to hear and help the victims. There are always victims who speak up and often they are always shut down.

The following clearly demonstrates this fact: Sylvia Edwards, a 59-year-old carer and mother-of-two, was just 19 when 20 million people watched Jimmy Savile molest her on national television. The assault happened during the filming of Top Of The Pops and footage captures Sylvia’s discomfort as the presenter made lewd comments while groping her. Sylvia has blasted the idea that bosses at the BBC had no idea about Savile’s antics and told the GMB about how her complaints about the incident were brushed off. (In fact, she was told by a cameraman: “That’s just Jimmy, go away.”)

The assault at BBC TV Centre in West London on November 25, 1976 that left Sylvia with mental scars was the first video evidence of Savilles’ sex abuse.”

Jeffrey Epstein had an army of rich and famous friends, all around the world, from Les Wexner, to Donald Trump (who, as I write this, has just been found guilty of sexually abusing E Jean Carroll and is still denying it while attempting to run again for president), Prince Andrew, and Bill Clinton. Again, the list goes on and on. Harvey Weinstein was one of his pals too. Remember R. Kelly and Michael Jackson as well. All these rich men were surrounded by enablers who kept quiet because these individuals brought them money, connection, and young prey. Mostly, these perpetrators were/are rich white men from the same circles.

Since the arrest of former MET Police Officer David Carrick, more officers have been arrested, but there is little sense of relief as these arrests make onlookers think about how many police staff have been getting away with indecent exposure, rape, and physical assault for decades while retaining their position after only a small “Slap on the wrist.” 

Accusing minorities of being rapists is an old trick that has been used to discriminate against them. It creates suspicion and division. It takes the light away from the real perpetrators who are still enjoying their lives while destroying the lives of others.

Most important of all is that it is disgusting to use children’s traumatic experiences to get a political point across. It is disrespectful. It leaves victims – children – in the dark of despair. There is no one to protect them, fight with them, or fight for them. Organisations that support children and their families are underfunded. The people in a position to do anything about sexual abuse and exploitation, in terms of law and legislation, are too busy arguing to get to the top. Dare I write that they are too busy covering up their own immoral behaviour or their the behaviors of their friends.

So, who is protecting children?

Take gentle care of yourselves,

Sylvie

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

Recently, during meditation, I heard a young inner part of me, loud and clear: “I am not allowed to be happy.” I had just received the publication date for The Blossoming Lotus, my up-coming poetry book. Instead of excitement, I felt suddenly depressed.  How do I get this inner part to enjoy life itself, with all its milestones along the way? How do I break the “not allowed to be happy” rule and allow myself to fully experience joy?

For most writers, getting a publishing date for their book is an occasion to celebrate. After days of waiting for this date, when it arrived in my mailbox, I felt my heart racing, my stomach fluttering and my palms sweating. A few years back, I’d be asking myself what was wrong with me or, I’d be questioning why I don’t feel happy and proud of this achievement. This time around though, although I didn’t fully understand my reaction to good news, I knew I needed to feel it. My mother was there, in the background of my mind.

Free to feel joy

One night, as I was listening to a sleep meditation, with some positive affirmations, when I heard: “Free to feel joy.” My heart jumped – it is the best way I can describe it. It was uncomfortable but, it was clear to me, my low mood was linked to NOT feeling free to experience joy and happiness. The next morning. during meditation, I heard a young inner part, loud and clear; “I am not allowed to be happy. Mum doesn’t want me to be happy.” This inner part felt total despair and deep sadness. My heart did another somersault, and I felt my facial muscles drop, my jaw shaking as if I was a child about to burst into tears. I tried to rectify my facial expression but,  couldn’t. I relaxed into it and felt the full force of her despair. My body started to shake a little. I breathed into all of this and then, opened my eyes and grounded myself as I had just experienced a powerful shift.

I didn’t deserve nice things

I later understood what happened: I fully embodied this young inner child. The body-shaking signified a release of energy. For the rest of the day, I let all my emotions and experience settle down and guide me. I had flashbacks of instances when my mother would ask me if I wanted some new shoes, or this dress, just to say: “Well, you can’t have it.” There was a day when I laughed and she demanded I stop laughing. By my late teens, I had forgotten about my deepest desires/ dreams and dared not ask for anything anymore. And, yes, there were many occasions that proved life was shit, I didn’t deserve nice things or I certainly wasn’t to expect to achieve anything of value and to get an easy ride.

For those who declare “Happiness is a choice.” as if all we have to do is decide to be happy and, then instantly experience delight, it is simply not true for someone who has been abused throughout their childhood and, had to give up hope to survive. Hearts, lives, and dreams have been shattered and few lucky ones are supported well enough, in adulthood, to go on leading a fulfilling and joyful life. It takes time, patience, and tender loving care into nurturing a brain wired for survival into a brain wired for simply enjoying being alive.

I kept breathing loving kindness, and self-compassion through these intense emotional and visual flashbacks. I reached out to my friends who understand that, for me, it is hard to fully relax into this amazing experience it has been, so far, to write and to get my poetry book published! It is a bit hard when people around me are so excited and keep on congratulating me! I kept having this “something isn’t quite right” feeling as if I was expecting something terrible to happen. As if, I was doing something wrong in achieving my dream of becoming an author! 

Let the Universe love you, support and guide you

When I asked this young inner part what she needed from me, the answered: “Don’t leave me!” Most of my inner parts asked me not to leave them, and to, please, and love them. I validate their painful experiences and their feelings, and then I see them getting cozy within my heart center, being showered in unconditional love. I then, gradually, feel them relax. I keep meditating on the guidance I receive a lot at the moment: “Let the Universe love you, support and guide you. You are no longer alone. You are the Universe/Light/Love in a human form. Focus on your loving relationships with everything single inner precious part of you and everything else will fall into place.”

During these times of shifting and processing. I can feel emotionally drained. I feel more sensitive too. In times like this, I repeat my favourite motto: “Gently does it.” There are times for action or inner work, and there are times for rest.

Take gentle care of yourselves.

Sylvie

• For Inner Parts work, check out Dr Richard Schwartz’s Internal Family System -IFS
• For Self-Compassion, go to Dr Kristin Neff’s website: Self-Compassion
• Read: Experiencing More Joy and Fun in My Life
• The YouTube channel Great Meditation has lots of wonderful meditations – 5 mins to an hour long . This channel has helped me a lot. I highly recommend it. Click in the link below.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

Mom’s Womb

Our first home/ environment, as a little seed slowly growing into a little human, is the mother’s womb. It is the first place of connection and of safety. A loving and caring nest. Ideally, the mother is well supported and cared for during the 9 months of gestation. Realistically, it isn’t always the case. Expectant mothers are always told to reduce any stress and to take it easy. Unfortunately, some mothers work full – time and not a lot of employers are willing to bring more flexibility to accommodate their expectant employers. For decades, being pregnant, meant women lost their job. Other women are so used to living under the constant pressure of doing more, of keeping forever busy and carrying on as normal, that they don’t give themselves the time to slow down. Those who don’t work, for whatever reasons, are being judged as lazy, work-shy and are accused of wanting an easy life on benefits. In other words: the society we live in, doesn’t allow for peaceful and stress-free pregnancies. It doesn’t honour and respect mothers or their children.

Once outside the womb, mothers are told that, as long as they feed, burp, and change nappies, they can put down their newborn baby and let her cry herself to sleep, to teach the infant to self-soothe. The post-natal physical and emotional discomfort and pain, are minimised if not ignored. There are so many contradicting points of view, unsolicited opinions and medical advice, new mothers are often overwhelmed. Everyone has something to say about us and our children but, not often do we hear: “ How are you? How can I help?” So many mothers are left feeling alone and end up labelling themselves as “bad mothers”, for so many months! We often hear: “But, you are a mother now, you have all the love in the world! How can you be so unhappy?” “Stop crying, you are going to upset the child!” Not often are we given the love and support we so need, at this crucial moment, following birth.

The human brain doesn’t fully grow within the womb so this little head can squeeze through the birth canal. The rest of its growth will happen, rapidly throughout their childhood, especially, during the first year of life. What will facilitate the healthy growth of a child? A loving, caring, protective and reliable anchor: mother. Referring to Dr Gabor Mate, he expresses the view that, mothers and children need to spend another nine months, in an outside womb, where both can bond and thrive together. Unfortunately, work is the priority. It isn’t so long ago, that fathers were allowed paternal leave, which is so necessary for them to bond with their babies, sure. But, to support the mother, so, she can sleep, heal, and focus on nursing and bonding with her child. Maternal Leave varies from country to country, but it is a disgrace that after a mere few months, it is time to give our children up to babysitters, child-minders, and nurseries. Strangers. All childcare options are very expensive, and it is often not worth it for the mother to go back to work, as most of the paycheck goes to paying those fees.

Moms are still facing a huge amount of pressure to do more and be more

The stress of getting up extra early in the morning to drop the child off at nursery/childminder, to, then, run to catch the train. Working 8 hours or more, to rush back, at the end of the day, to collect the child, on time so as not to be charged extra. On top of these, there are dinners to be made and bedtime routines. It is hard for women in partnerships (Women tend to take care of most of the house chores after work) It is even harder for single women. If mothers aren’t working, they are still facing a huge amount of pressure to do more and be more, as if to prove their worthiness to a society that belittles and judges them brutally. We are the only species who must prioritise working for a living and sacrifice precious, vital time with our little ones. Financial stress, poverty, constant put-downs and early separation from the baby, are all hindrances to the mother’s happiness and well-being, which in turn, will have an adverse effect on infants.

What all of this has to do with issues of mental health? Everything! When, for whatever reason, children and mothers have little chance to bond, children will grow up with so-called “Disorders” and other difficulties, later, in their lives. A child doesn’t have to be rejected or abused to be impacted: a very stressed mother/household is enough to alter the child’s brain pathways hindering emotional maturity. Sadly, children who grew up in abusive and neglectful households, suffer terribly and then they are pathologized, and labelled as if their behaviour was independent of the environment, they lived in. Adult survivors are facing the same challenges. In cases of addictive behaviour, for instance, the adult is referred to as an addict and the focus is solely on getting rid of the addiction. It is seldom the case that they are supported in exploring and supported in facing their painful childhood.  We can see the stigma linked to BPD diagnosis: it acknowledges people diagnosed with BPD most often comes from an abusive background, but the emphasis is on the symptoms – the “disordered” behaviour: anger, addictions, incapable of regulating one’s emotions, rebellious. Dangerous to oneself and to others. It is all about what is wrong with the individual, never about what happened to them, in the environment they grew up in. No, they can’t regulate their impulses: their brain and their entire nervous system has been hijacked a long time ago, and without a nurturing, caring and safe environment to explore their inner self, these people will suffer for a while. It is not just the case for BPD, it is the same for CPTSD, PTSD, Bi-Polar Disorder…  Different symptoms, but the same root: lack of love, lack of bonding, and lack of unconditional positive regard in their lives.

It is easier, it seems, to blame the individual than to seek real solutions, based on tolerance, compassion and congruence

Survivors of child abuse hear: “The abuse wasn’t your fault BUT your recovery is your own responsibility. Nobody can do that for you” To some extent, yes, however, a little support goes a long way. By support, I mean person–centred support. Kind and caring support. This includes a safe society. In the UK, for the last 12 years, there has been a tragic increase in the persecution of unemployed people, who are often very unwell, physically, or mentally, sometimes both. In recovery circles, we are encouraged to take our time with healing, to be gentle and understanding of ourselves for needing so much rest, for not being able to work and, at the same time, we are asked to attend Work Assessment Programs. We are threatened with sanctions. We are shamed and blamed at every corner.  Society, right now, isn’t safe. The world we live in is very threatening and scary. It is easier, it seems, to blame the individual than to seek real solutions, based on tolerance, compassion and congruence. 

“In our society, that attachment is cut to shambles. A significant percentage of American women go back to work within two weeks of giving birth. Moms are meant to be with their kids for years, I’m done with nature here. And so when women are economically forced to return to work, that separation from the mother is huge for the child. And so children have this attachment drive, but there’s nothing in the child’s brain that tells the child who to attach to. It’s like the duckling that hatches from the egg. And preferentially will imprint on a mother duck if the mother duck is there. But it’s a minute that is not there. The duckling will imprint on anything that moves, including a mechanical toy that can possibly nurture it.”

The Secret to Healthy Child Development with Dr Gabor Mate

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

#ItsTimeToTalk

Unfortunately, talking isn’t enough. Very often, when someone opens up about their difficulties with Depression, or Anxiety. They are advised to speak to their GP. At this time, in the UK, it is near impossible to get an appointment with a Doctor. In A&E, patients are waiting for up to 24 hours, if not more, to be seen. The children and adults’ mental health services have years-long waiting lists. To make matters worse, in January 2023, the 10-year cross-Government plan for mental health and well-being has been scrapped and replaced with a decision to combine the mental health plan with plans for chronic health conditions.

• 24 January 2023, Mark Winstanley, Chief Executive of Rethink Mental Illness, responded: “Rethink Mental Illness ‘deeply disappointed’ at shelving of 10-year-plan for Mental Health and Wellbeing.” which you can read in full on the Rethink Mental Illness’ website.

It is nearly impossible to get access to therapy on the NHS. They mainly offer 8 weeks of CBT, sometimes online. The lack of funding, for the last 10 years, has resulted in poor care and unending waiting lists. Private counseling/ therapy is a luxury for those who need support the most. This will only get worse with the “Cost of Living” crisis.

#ItsOkNotToBeOk

 The other problem, for those who speak up, is the response they get by therapists, and those closest to them:

“Leave the past in the past.”

“You are overreacting.”

“You don’t really want to get better, do you?”

” Think positive.”

All these remarks are denying or minimising the painful experiences individuals go through. More often than not, it feels like it isn’t ok to be ok. The way individuals are encouraged and supported is outdated. “Trauma-Informed” is all the rage right now. 

But, what does “Trauma-Informed” really means?

• NAPAC explains it well: Trauma-informed practice page.

“In other words, a trauma-informed organization pursues an approach in all areas of its operations to prevent the replication of traumatic experiences or dynamics among clients and staff and avoids adding to the chronic stress people carry.

A program, organization, or system that is trauma-informed, as defined by the US Government, realizes the widespread impact of trauma and understands potential paths for recovery, recognizes the signs and symptoms of trauma in clients, family, staff, and others involved in the system, responds by fully integrating knowledge about trauma into policies, procedures, and practices, seeks to actively resist re-traumatisation.”

An authentic Trauma Informed Practice focuses on the individual’s experiences of trauma and on its impact, not just on the “disordered” symptoms resulting from adverse experiences. It is a person-centred approach when the patient is involved in their care and supported through difficult times.

#ChildrenMentalHealthWeek.\

Young Mind published the following statistics:

One in six children aged five to 16 were identified as having a probable mental health problem in July 2021, a huge increase from one in nine in 2017. That’s five children in every classroom.

• Just over one in three children and young people with a diagnosable mental health condition get access to NHS care and treatment.
• In a YoungMinds survey, three-quarters (76%) of parents said that their child’s mental health had deteriorated while waiting for support from Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS) (x).
• In a YoungMinds commissioned survey by Censuswide, two-thirds (67%) of young people said they would prefer to be able to access mental health support without going to see their GP but half (53%) said they didn’t know how else to access this help.

What makes things even more difficult for children is the lack of mental health awareness in schools. The focus is solely on getting top marks and top attendance. If a child keeps missing classes because of, for instance, anxiety, both parents and children are threatened with fines and sanctions. If a child isn’t well s/he/they will not be able to focus on their education, this mounting pressure is counter-productive. The child is being punished for being unwell, adding to their distress.

More funding is needed for the Mental Health National budget. We need more person-centered therapeutic approaches and more compassionate, trauma-informed practices; not just therapies to change “problematic” behaviors. The connection of mind and body needs to be fully accepted and taken into serious consideration in care plans. There is a need for a shift from: “What is wrong with you? Let’s see how we can fix you.” To “What happened to you? Let me know what you need.”

The biggest stigma of all is the perception that people suffering from mental illnesses are mad. lazy, difficult, or childish. They need to be corrected, when, in fact, most of the time, what these individuals really need is a safe place, a safe person they can just pour their heart out to, without fear of being told how they really feel, what they should do and having this huge pressure to better themselves, (quickly please!), and to perform in ways that are more “acceptable.”

We all need love and acceptance, during our most difficult times.

Sylvie

You can also read, on Winter Turns into Spring:

• Teenagers’ Mental Health and Happiness Matter
• Child Sexual Abuse: we aren’t “losing it”, we are suffering.
• Recovery from Child Sexual Abuse and Self-compassion
• Child Sexual Abuse: When Therapists Got it Wrong

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Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

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