Caregiving | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org The Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research Tue, 20 May 2025 16:25:00 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://cptsdfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/cropped-Daily-Recovery-Support-Globe-iPad-Fav-32x32.png Caregiving | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org 32 32 The Death of A Narcissist https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/05/20/the-death-of-a-narcissist/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/05/20/the-death-of-a-narcissist/#respond Tue, 20 May 2025 16:25:00 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987500487 It’s something every survivor of childhood trauma dreads: the death of their abuser. No one has any idea how they are going to react. Will you be awash in regret? How about grief? The losses incurred dealing with a narcissistic parent over a lifetime complicate everything, even death. And that is true whether you walked away years ago or stayed nominally in touch. Both my parents were highly dysfunctional. My mother, who died in 2021, was a mentally ill enabler. She was definitely a narcissist, but in a different way from my father. 

My father finally died a few months ago. Survivors will understand the word finally. I thought he would never die. Billy Joel’s song “Only the Good Die Young” was certainly true in this situation. I had gone no contact about seven years before, but the shadow of power this man wielded over my life continued, whether I was in contact with him or not. I even moved all the way across the country to put space between me and him. Space between the present and the past. The constructed reality he demanded everyone agree with, the dominating presence where no voice save his was heard, the judgmental pronouncements of doom and gloom over your life, the complete lack of understanding or empathy. These were just a few of the ways his brainwashing impacted me. 

These were just a few of the ways his brainwashing impacted me. 

And when he died, instead of the relief I felt at my mother’s passing, a terrible door that had been shut for over sixty years was opened. The parts of me from childhood that had split off and carried the load felt free to come forward, and it was hard. Hard to face them, hard to talk to them, and hard to become an ally to them instead of an enemy. 

There are no words to describe the damage and loss that occur when your parents choose the path of narcissism. To their very grave, my parents never had the slightest inkling of self-awareness or took any personal responsibility. In fact, my sibling and I were “disinherited.” The old threat to keep me within my father’s orbit finally came true. For me, I could understand it; I walked away years ago. But for my sibling who provided for my father financially and took care of his ex-wife, our mother, who otherwise would have been homeless, it was a low blow. Yet again, the narcissist showed his true colors. It did not matter what you did for the man; he did not know how to do anything other than hurt us. His final message? “You are worthless.” 

But I survived, and guess what? My father was wrong. It took everything I had to slog through the twisted spider web of lies he had spun. I spent decades trying to understand, reaching toward the truth that seemed to dissipate into mist at the slightest stress. To quiet the dissonance in my mind, heart, and soul. I used every technique and read every book I could get my hands on, but you know what? I made it. I have written a new chapter, established new relationships, and I walk in truth. What does the Bible say? The truth will set you free? Yep, that’s what it says. I can wonder at the joy in life, pursue dreams and goals I never thought reachable, and more than anything else, I can finish well, leaving a legacy of peace, encouragement, and kindness to my children. 

I pity my mother and father. They never knew how wonderful life could be. It is still hard sometimes, I suppose I will always bear the scars to a certain degree, but I made it. I made it out, and I am so thankful I did not give up. Defy trauma, embrace joy. It is worth it.

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Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/05/20/the-death-of-a-narcissist/feed/ 0 When Loving Someone in Need of Care Takes a Toll on You https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/09/when-loving-someone-in-need-of-care-takes-a-toll-on-you/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/09/when-loving-someone-in-need-of-care-takes-a-toll-on-you/#respond Fri, 09 Jun 2023 15:58:23 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=248688

How to take care of yourself by still being supportive of a trauma survivor.

When a partner, friend, or family member has complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) it can affect their loved ones. CPTSD isn’t easy to live with and it can take a heavy toll on relationships and family life.

You may be hurt by your loved one’s distance or struggling to understand their behavior.

You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells or even living with a stranger. You may also have to take on a bigger share of household tasks and deal with the frustration of a loved one who won’t open up.

It is even harder when a caregiver is living with some who has CPTSD.  It’s burdensome not to take the symptoms of CPTSD personally. Your loved one’s nervous system is stuck in the fog, in a state of constant alert, making them continually feel vulnerable and unsafe, or have to relive the traumatic experience over and over. This can lead to anger, irritability, depression, mistrust, and other CPTSD symptoms that your loved one can’t simply choose to turn off.

Necessity is the Mother of Invention

I’ve asked Dr. Jamie, an advisory board member who has built his innovative 30-year career on the premise that “Necessity is the Mother of Invention” what are his thoughts on caregiving.

Dr. Jamie has launched a demo nationwide project that focuses on trauma healing in cooperation with the well-respected Polyvagal Institute where he sits on the advisory board along with Gabor Maté M.D. He is WellMed’s Chief Compassion Officer, tasked with moderating physician burnout to name a few. Dr. Jamie co-hosts a regular radio podcast entitled “Caregiver SOS” and is here to support everyone in need.

“With the right support from you and other family and friends, though, your loved one’s nervous system can improve. It’s important to provide social support as it’s common for people with CPTSD to withdraw from family and friends. They may feel ashamed. Knowing how to best demonstrate your love and support for someone with CPTSD isn’t always easy. You can’t force your loved one to get better, but you can play a major role in the healing process by simply spending time together. Always start where the other person is at, not where you would wish them to be.”- says Dr. Jamie.

“If you can let your loved one take the lead, rather than telling them what to do. Everyone with CPTSD is different but most people instinctively know what makes them feel calm and safe,”  adds Dr. Jamie.

It is difficult to see a loved one suffering or struggling, and as a caring partner, your likely response is to try to give more of your time and energy to help your partner.

Partner’s traumatic experience can impact him/her and the carer will likely notice changes in their relationship dynamic as well.

Partners of trauma survivors

Dr. Jamie emphasizes the importance of partners of trauma survivors need to be there for their partners in time of need, but they also must prioritize and attend to their own needs.

“Partners of trauma survivors often experience secondary trauma and might even experience some CPTSD-related symptoms as well. Without extra self-care, the partner of a trauma survivor might find him/herself feeling burned out and burned out towards the relationship. To ensure their own mental health, and be able to best help their partners, it is crucial that partners learn to take care of themselves.”

“What can you do to manage your stress?” – I’ve asked Dr. Jamie.

“First, the calmer, relaxed, and focused you are, the better you’ll be able to help your loved one. Recovery is a process that takes time and often involves setbacks. Secondly, the important thing is to stay positive and maintain support for your loved one and educate yourself about CPTSD, Trauma, and Co-Dependency. The more you know about the symptoms, effects, and treatment options, the better equipped you’ll be to help your loved one, understand what they are going through, and keep things in perspective.

Accept and expect mixed feelings

Accept and expect mixed feelings. As you go through the emotional rollercoaster, be prepared for a complicated mix of feelings—some of which you’ll never want to admit.

Your partner will likely depend on you more while they are dealing with the aftermath of the trauma. However, you also have needs and limitations. If you do not set boundaries with your partner about how you can help, you will find yourself responding in a passive-aggressive way. If you over-give, you will resent your partner and feel angry.

It is unfair to your partner and to your relationship to have unrealistic expectations about what healing should look like and how fast it should occur. The reality is that the process looks different for every trauma survivor and their caregiver.”

There are many affordable resources such as CODA meets and group works where you can speak with other caregivers. CPTSD Foundation has launched a Trauma-Informed Partners Program that would provide you with tools on how to care for yourself while caring for others.

“Partners of trauma survivors need to engage in self-care and set appropriate boundaries with their partner to prevent burnout, and best help their partner, themselves, and their families. Trauma is a fact of life. But it doesn’t, however, have to be a life sentence.” – concludes Dr. Jamie.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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