In 2 days, I will send my two teen sons off to summer camp for a week. I will have the entire place to myself for 6 nights. I have decided to use the time to revamp my Christmas ornaments, which are an amalgam of inherited color schemes, mismatched design motifs, and competing textile finishes. I have collected an array of spray paints, foliage to preserve for garlands and wreaths, and inexpensive pool noodles to use as topiary bases.

The last 12 months have been heavy. My mother passed away. My dog died. My older son was hit by a car (he’s ok), lawsuits, small claims court, family court, a very ill ex-husband, 2 surgeries for me, and more. This was in addition to dealing with a few family members who continue to attack me for telling the truth about child sexual abuse by my grandfather.

In the midst of this heaviness last year, I decorated the house early for Christmas, a few days before Thanksgiving. As always, I was dismayed by the lack of coordination in ornaments and decor unlike my living area, which is awash in harvest vineyard colors.

Then a week later when I picked my older son up from woodshop, he was hiding something behind his back. I wasn’t allowed to see it. Later that day, a wrapped Christmas present showed up under the tree.

“It’s for you, mom. I made it in woodshop just for you,” my son said.

My excitement was boundless. As a single mom, Christmas had become just for the kids. There was never a present for me under the tree. 

On Christmas morning, the living room became a hurricane of flying wrapping paper ripped from packages as the boys opened their gifts. Finally, It was my turn. 

I opened my one Christmas present. It was a piece of wood 4 inches wide, 16 inches long, and 1 inch deep.

“It’s a piece of wood.”

“No, mom, it’s a cutting board.”

“No cutting board is 4 inches wide.”

“It’s portable. You can take it camping.”

“Oh, great! Then it has a dual purpose right? If a bear comes along, I can hit it over the head with my portable cutting board.”

Despite my disappointment, the silliness of it all became the predominant mood. Suddenly, the heaviness of the year lightened immeasurably. 

And this has led to my upcoming project to redo the Christmas decorations, to bring them in line with the rest of my decor. And this has become a metaphor for redecorating my heart in preparation for the holiday season of 2026.

Christmas trees often become collections of memories:

• the handmade ornament,
• the kindergarten reindeer,
• Grandma’s angel,
• the souvenir from Disneyland,
• the ugly ornament Aunt Martha loved.

Most of those memories are pleasant. But some are painful. Still they are a record of life. And now my kids are teenagers.

Instead of all new ornaments, I will transform them. I will repurpose them, just as I repurpose memories both pleasant and painful. 

When my boys were young, a cohesive color palette was unnecessary. They didn’t care. It was simply an abundant tree. Yet, I saw too much visual noise, too much incoherence.

Recovery isn’t about accumulating more. It’s making decisions about which memories deserve a prominent place in my home, on my tree of abundance. It’s choosing what truly belongs.

Every year we unpack boxes filled with memories.

Some still make us smile.

Some we keep out of obligation.

Some we haven’t looked at in years.

Healing asks a simple question:

Which memories deserve another season?

I have spent the last 12 months editing my life.

Not deleting it.

Editing it.

Keeping:

• relationships that nourish
• traditions that still fit
• colors that bring peace

Releasing:

• visual clutter
• emotional clutter
• obligations
• inherited expectations

My ornaments reflect my identity, and not every ornament belongs on the tree. Some can remain packed away. Not every part of my history deserves equal prominence. Not because I’m in denial. Quite the opposite. I took those memories out, looked at them, analyzed their significance, and put them back in the box. 

The boys will head off to camp in a couple of days, leaving me with six quiet nights and a garage full of spray paint, ribbons, preserved greenery, and bins of Christmas ornaments waiting for their makeover. By the time Thanksgiving arrives, I hope the burgundies, deep plums, sapphire blues, timber greens, and antique brass finishes will finally feel like they belong together.

But I already know the most important part of the project won’t be the colors.

It will be the decisions.

Some ornaments will receive fresh paint. Others will stay exactly as they are because they already tell the story I want them to tell. A few may quietly return to the storage box for another year. None of those decisions erase the past. I choose which ornaments to display.

Recovery has never asked me to forget.

It has asked me to choose.

To choose which relationships nourish me.

Which traditions still fit.

Which expectations no longer belong to me.

Which memories deserve to remain on display, and which can be gently wrapped in tissue paper and placed back in the box—not because they are unimportant, but because they no longer define the room.

When people talk about healing from complex trauma, they often imagine becoming someone entirely new.

That has not been my experience.

Healing has felt much more like decorating a Christmas tree.

The ornaments are still mine.

The memories are still mine.

Even the painful ones helped shape the person I have become.

But today I get to decide where they hang.

And then there is one object that will never need repainting or repurposing.

The little “portable cutting board.”

The piece of wood that made me laugh after one of the heaviest years of my life.

The epic prank of a teen boy on his mother.

I still tell him that one day I’m going to mount it on a walnut plaque with a brass plate underneath.

The engraving will read:

Piece of Wood. Christmas 2025.

He rolls his eyes every time I say it.

I laugh every time.

And perhaps that is the greatest gift of healing.

Not that every ornament finally matches.

Not that every painful memory disappears.

But that after years of surviving, there is once again room for laughter beneath the Christmas tree.

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

The post Christmas in July – Redecorating My Heart for a Season of Healing appeared first on CPTSDfoundation.org.

This post looks back at the recent US Holiday, “Mothers Day”, and the challenges it creates for survivors of trauma with a mother wound.

How are you feeling today?

Do you have a complex relationship with today being Mother’s Day?

I know I do, and I thought I’d write this piece for those of you who feel the same. Those of you who didn’t have loving mothers.

Not all mother’s deserve to be celebrated on this day.

I wish I could say that I had a good mother, but the truth is I didn’t.

My mother told me repeatedly that I was unwanted and she wished I had died when I was born.

There was a mother in the hospital bed next to hers, who gave birth to twins too early. Both boys didn’t make it. My mother wished I had died with them since I was born early too.

But I survived.

She offered to take me to their gravestone several times. To show me what should have happened to me too.

To be profoundly unwanted leaves a mark like no other. It’s imprinted in my soul.

I cannot celebrate a mother who wished me dead.

I’ve spent all my life getting away from my parents because they both hurt me in the most profound way through physical and emotional abuse and neglect.

Not only did my mother not want me, but she openly encouraged my so-called father to do the things he did to me. My mother knew, and yet she handed me to him. Gave her permission for him to hurt me.

A mother who hands her only daughter to a sex-offender doesn’t deserve to be celebrated.

When I told her what my so-called father did to me with his pedophile friends — she laughed in my face. She called me a liar with a vivid imagination. That it was my fault.

That is unforgivable.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

My so-called father and his pedophile friends raped and killed a ten-year old girl next to me. I was only eight when it happened.

A week later, I witnessed a twenty-seven year old woman be raped and drowned.

I told my mother, but she wouldn’t listen.

I cannot celebrate a mother who covers up murderers.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

I was bullied throughout school because we moved away from the south but my accent wouldn’t change. I didn’t belong, and the kids showed me how much they hated me every day.

I was punched, kicked and my clothes were scorched while I was still wearing them. My burns got infected, but mother would not take me to the doctor. We had no insurance, so I was left to suffer.

A mother who allows her daughter to be bullied and physically hurt doesn’t deserve to be called a mother.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

When I miscarried my father’s secrets, my mother refused to get me help. I’m lucky to be alive today, after suffering the pain of three miscarriages without medical help.

My mother let me suffer the pain and the shame without any help. She turned away when I needed her the most.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

She wanted me gone from her house, to have her new husband and baby son to herself. I was too young to work and I had no other choice but to stay.

A mother who rejects her child is not a mother.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

When I was eighteen the law stated that I was no longer a minor. My childhood prison was lifted and I left them and everything I’d ever known.

I’ve never looked back.

I started my life again in a new place.

A new home.

I went to the cops and told my story. The sex-factories. The pedophile ring — everything I saw and suffered. The cops listened. They made lengthy records and tapes. They got my hospital records. My childhood years pried wide open. In the end it’s my word against them.

The police advised against going to court. Who will believe my voice?

I told my mother what I had done. She refused to believe me despite everything.

I cannot celebrate a mother who doesn’t believe the truth.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

I studied at college and became a teacher. My writing was still something I kept to myself. I met somebody special.

I married him and we had children.

I never thought my body could produce one child, let alone two healthy babies. I see them as the most precious gift that I was given.

I am a mother who give my children everything I can.

I love them both deeply and I remind them of that every single day.

I talk to them about their lives, about school and their struggles. I help them with homework and problems. We figure it out together as a family.

Today is mother’s day.

I can celebrate myself as a mother with my family.

I can celebrate me.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

Photo by Dmitry Shulga on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

More from Elizabeth Woods:

• The Sex-Offender’s Daughter
• Trauma and its Effect on the Brain
• Continued: Trauma and its Effect on the Brain
• This is How IT Feels

The post Looking Back: Mother’s Day Hurts appeared first on CPTSDfoundation.org.

At Brickel & Associates, LLC, we take a trauma-informed, inclusive, and nonjudgmental approach to these challenges. We affirm your full humanity—and that includes your emotional responses, your lived experiences, and even your uncertainty. You don’t have to minimize your beliefs to keep the peace, and you don’t have to cut relationships that feel complicated. Therapy can help you make sense of the conflict and chart your own compassionate, values-aligned path forward.

1. Honor Your Feelings—They’re Valid

When someone you care about holds views that feel harmful or dismissive, the emotional response can be intense. It may bring up grief, anger, anxiety, or past trauma. These reactions aren’t “overreactions”—they’re rooted in real-life experience, and they’re deeply human.

If you’re someone who has experienced marginalization or trauma, those political disagreements can feel like emotional re-wounding. If you’re not sure what you believe or feel caught in the middle of polarized views, that uncertainty deserves just as much care and compassion.

It’s okay to feel angry, hurt, disappointed, or even betrayed. When political differences touch on fundamental parts of your identity or safety, it’s not “just a difference of opinion”—it can feel personal, because it is.

You’re allowed to grieve the gap between who you hoped someone was and who they reveal themselves to be. Therapy offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to process these emotions without being told to “just agree to disagree.”

In therapy, there’s no pressure to take sides or defend your position. There’s simply space to feel and process without judgment.

2. Clarify and Honor Your Boundaries

Boundaries are not about cutting people off or being “unforgiving”—they’re about staying safe, grounded, and emotionally intact. A trauma-informed lens helps you notice where your nervous system feels overwhelmed, where communication becomes unsafe, and what kind of interaction is tolerable for you.

Ask yourself:

• What conversations leave me feeling dysregulated or unsafe?
• When do I feel myself shutting down or dissociating?
• What kinds of limits help me stay present, connected, and regulated?

It’s okay to say, “I can’t talk about that with you right now.” It’s okay to take space. And it’s okay to change your mind about how you want to relate to someone.

Boundaries are a way of staying in integrity with yourself—even if others don’t understand.

Boundaries are an act of self-trust and nervous system care.

3. Reconnect with What Grounds You and Honor Your Values

Therapy can help you explore your values with curiosity, not judgment—so you can reconnect with your own truth, not someone else’s expectations.

When the people around you question or challenge your values—or when you’re unsure what your values even are—it can feel destabilizing. Grounding doesn’t mean being certain or rigid. It means reconnecting with what feels most true for you in this moment, even if that’s still evolving.

Consider asking yourself:

• What do I know what matters to me?
• What does justice, compassion, or equality mean to me?
• When have I felt most aligned with my values?
• How do my beliefs connect to my lived experience?
• Who helps me feel safe, curious, or supported when I explore difficult topics?

When others question or reject your values, it can shake your sense of stability. Grounding yourself in what you believe, and why, can be a powerful form of resilience.

You don’t need to convince everyone else to agree with you to feel valid or safe in your truth. Community, activism, art, and therapy can all be ways to reaffirm what matters most to you.

4. Decide What Kind of Connection Is Possible—For Now

Some relationships can survive political differences—especially when there’s a foundation of mutual respect, open-mindedness, and emotional safety. Others may need to shift, pause, or end. A trauma-informed approach understands that both can be acts of healing.

If connection still feels possible, it may help to:

• Focus on shared experiences, goals, or values
• Agree on respectful communication rules
• Prioritize curiosity, not conversion
• Practice empathy without abandoning your own truth

If connection feels harmful or retraumatizing, it’s okay to step back. Sometimes love and distance go hand in hand.

5. You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Whether you’re grieving the loss of closeness with a loved one, uncertain about your beliefs, overwhelmed by political tension, or triggered by past experiences—you deserve support.

At Brickel & Associates, LLC, we walk with you—not to fix or persuade you, but to support your emotional well-being with care, compassion, and curiosity. We’re LGBTQ+ affirming, pro-choice, and committed to trauma-informed therapy for everyone—including those who feel unsure, conflicted, or caught in the middle.

You are welcome here.

Your feelings are real. Your healing matters. And your story deserves to be held with care.

Let us help you stay connected to yourself—even when the world feels divided.

Your values matter. Your identity matters. And your emotional well-being matters.

We’re here to support you—especially when the world feels divided.
You deserve a space where your truth is seen, respected, and held with care.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

The post Staying Connected When You Disagree: A Trauma-Informed Approach to Navigating Political Differences with Loved Ones appeared first on CPTSDfoundation.org.

Self-care

It is vital to take time out for yourself in the build-up to Christmas. The stores and food markets are teeming with products and people. It can get a little wild out there, and it’s important to think about our own health. If you fall apart, then who’s going to wrap those presents and get the house ready for family and guests?

Have you had any time for yourself today? Do any of your family members or friends need support? Even a brief conversation to check in on someone who is struggling can mean so much to the other person.

Who is watching the kids in all the preparation mayhem? Do they have to tidy their bedroom for a long-awaited relative to come and sleep in their room? How are they feeling about it all? Do we even stop and listen?

For me, as a survivor of child abuse and trauma, the holiday season comes with mixed emotions every year. Now that I am an adult, I can enjoy the holidays with my family and see the excitement the festivities bring to my own children each year. Being a mom is a wonderful gift, and I treasure my kids every day of the year. The holiday season is also a reminder that not every child is as lucky as my kids. I was that child once, and I sometimes had the worst time of my life during the holidays because I was forced to see my bio-father, who was a sex offender, and so were his friends. I feel that I must write about these children because they still exist nowadays. Please keep an eye out for children who seem like they are not enjoying the holiday season this year. Don’t let them just slip away by doing nothing. If you see signs of abuse, you must report it. There are far too many children who are suffering from abuse, and the holiday season is especially a time to keep an eye out for anything that doesn’t seem right.

“I can only hope that we’ll one day wake up in a better world, where children are no longer being abused or mistreated.” ChildInsider.com

Our world has changed a lot since the 70’s and 80’s, when people would rather brush things away and ignore child abuse than face it and help a child. The stigma around talking about sex has changed in recent years. TV, films, and other media are open about sex and relationships. We have the internet and social media, where anyone with an internet connection can look up information and news. There is worldwide exposure to sexual abuse scandals being brought out into the open. People are beginning to talk about it more, but it is still not enough. Knowing that sexual abuse or any kind of abuse is happening in our society is one thing. Accepting that it is happening right now, here in your city or town, and doing something to stop it is another.

Do you have what it takes to stand up and help a child who is being abused? Do you know how to do it? Who to call?

The ChildHelp National Child Abuse Hotline 800-422-4453 is available 24 hours a day here in the US. 

In the UK, you can contact the NSPCC (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children) Helpline by calling 0808 800 5000

In my opinion, if as many as one more child suffers from abuse the way I did, it is one child too many. We can prevent this from happening by being vigilant. Let’s try to stop these sexual criminals from hurting our most precious gifts – our children! Our future! Our everything! The joy of growing up in a nurturing and stable environment is something every child deserves.

Signs of child abuse:

A child who is being exposed to sexual abuse or any abuse will use coping mechanisms to survive the trauma in any way they can. I know, because I was an abused child throughout my childhood, but it doesn’t matter if the abuse happened just once or repeatedly. If a child has been abused, their lives will have changed, and so will their behavior. It can be a gradual or instant change. These are some of the behaviors that an abused child might display:

Trust
An abused child will not trust anyone and will be suspicious of new situations. They may seem hypervigilant and suspicious of anyone. A child who is being abused becomes very good at reading people around them and deflecting attention away from them.
Health
A child who is suddenly developing chronic headaches, feeling sick, or having urinary or STD infections is a sign that everything may not be well
Emotional outbursts
Abused children may come across as not being in control of their bodies; for example, they might display various emotions in quick succession, like anger followed by sadness followed by running away, almost like a traffic light is changing colors at an intersection. The same child may react very oddly to certain situations, like laughing if someone is hurt or starting to cry profusely at a bumblebee that is lying dead in the grass.
Posture/image
Watch how a child holds themselves, how they walk, and how they behave around other children. An abused child may seem unusually jittery and tense.
Language
Watch their language. What does it sound like? Would a normal 6-year-old use “those words,” or can you hear something strange? A child might start ‘making up’ stories and drawings of the abuse or making up characters who act like abusers. The child might use language that they have been exposed to that contains words a child should not know.
Physical contact
A child might suddenly hate physical contact or being touched and recoil if anyone touches them.
Hiding and unusual attachments to objects
A child might feel so scared and threatened that s/he hides. A child might be overly attached to a blanket, a pillow, or a teddy bear. Having something soft and tactile could be a small relief for a traumatized child. Pay attention to anything that “feels wrong.”

An older traumatized child may suddenly withdraw from everyone. Please pay attention to how this happens and what might have triggered it.

Pushing limits / hurting others/violence
An older child may be starting to break the limits. What happens if?… Destroying property and hurting others. A child might feel threatened and become paranoid. They may become enraged or distressed and be rough with toys or animals.
Terror
A child might suddenly get terrified of something that reminds them of their abusers/s. I was terrified of clowns and often had nightmares about clowns entering my room at night and hurting me. I also developed a phobia of snakes.
Crying
A child might start crying without a reason and not be able to stop, or become hysterical over nothing, or suddenly become angry at the sight of men with beards or someone with glasses. This could be an unconscious reaction to someone who reminds them of their abuser.

There are many ways that abuse manifests itself in children’s behavior, and it is our responsibility to act on anything that doesn’t see right. Children are all different, and the behavior one child displays is different from another. It depends on the child’s surroundings and where the abuse takes place to determine which coping strategies they will use. There is every chance that nothing is going on when children act out, but would you be willing to take that risk if that child was being abused?

Let us all enjoy the holiday season in a safe and happy environment.

Photo by Benjamin Wong on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

The post Abuse Happens – Even During the Holidays appeared first on CPTSDfoundation.org.

I had made it all the way from Europe to the United States, landing at JFK International Airport in New York City with a newborn baby in tow. I was a wreck. My husband, stationed in Germany with the Air Force, couldn’t get leave, so I boarded the seven-hour flight alone. Of course, the flight had arrived late, and I was stranded in New York overnight.

Exhausted, I finally located the United Service Organization (USO) office in the airport. They helped me navigate the maze at JFK and set me up with a hotel for the night. Terrified I’d oversleep and miss my connecting flight to Virginia, I did not rest. The responsibility of my first baby, the long journey alone, and the reason I was coming home towered like a dark, ominous wall.

My father had called to say my mother was having a “nervous breakdown,”  triggering my scapegoat conditioning to rear its ugly head. I had no choice but to go home. My father didn’t even need to ask; he knew my response would be automatic. Everything rested on my shoulders. It didn’t matter that I would have to make a transatlantic flight alone, or that I had just had a baby.  

I arrived to find my mother despondent, and that many of the cards I had so carefully crafted and mailed from Europe were unopened and thrown in the trash. 

It was the same old message: fix me, this is your responsibility, and by the way, nothing you do will be enough. No acknowledgment of my long journey, and barely a hello to my baby. This was the way it had always been, and how it would continue to be until my parents’ death. 

Such is the dilemma for survivors of childhood trauma. Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t, also known as the double bind. This is a core reason as to why the holidays can be so difficult for us.

Christmas and the holiday season trigger emotional collapse. We experience the return of old roles, old wounds, old obligations, and old versions of ourselves we worked so hard to escape.

The holidays don’t just stir memories. They awaken the parts of us that were frozen in time: the child or adolescent who once believed it was their job to hold the family together, rescue the adults, or absorb the emotional fallout.

And so every December, survivors all over the world feel dread they can’t explain, guilt they didn’t earn, and emotional activation that feels out of proportion to the reality of the moment.

If this sounds familiar, nothing is wrong with you.
Your nervous system is remembering.

Why does Christmas trigger childhood trauma so intensely?

1. Christmas is an attachment holiday–and attachment is where the trauma happened

Christmas is built around:

• family togetherness
• belonging
• stability
• warmth
• predictable love

But if your childhood home was filled with chaos, neglect, manipulation, or emotional abuse, Christmas becomes a mirror reflecting everything you never had.

This alone can trigger profound grief, dread, or emotional activation.

2. Frozen-in-time parts wake up

Trauma survivors carry younger “parts” inside them—child selves who never got to grow up because the environment was unsafe.

Christmas awakens those parts.

The smells, the music, the rituals, and the pressure all connect directly to childhood. Suddenly, you may feel:

• small
• helpless
• responsible for everyone else’s mood
• guilty
• anxious
• terrified of disappointing someone
• obligated to perform

You’re not regressing.
Your nervous system is remembering.

3. Old roles snap back into place

Every dysfunctional family assigns roles:

• The Scapegoat
• The Golden Child
• The Peacemaker
• The Invisible One
• The Responsible One

Even at 50 or 60 years old, walking through your parents’ door can make your brain revert to the role it learned at age four.

It’s automatic.
It’s somatic.
And it’s profoundly triggering.

4. Holiday guilt is a weapon in dysfunctional families 

Statements like:

• “You’re ruining Christmas.”
• “Family is everything—you owe us.”
• “If you loved us, you’d be here.”

These are not expressions of love.
They are tools of control.

And the holidays are when manipulative families use them most effectively.

5. Religious trauma intensifies everything g

If faith was used to:

• control
• shame
• silence
• manipulate
• pressure you into compliance

Then Christmas doesn’t feel holy.

A spiritual holiday becomes an emotional trigger.

6. The cultural myth of the “perfect family Christmas” deepens shame

Movies, commercials, and church services all push one message:

“Everyone has a warm, loving family at Christmas.”

Survivors think:

• Why couldn’t my family be like that?
• What’s wrong with me?
• Why can’t I tolerate them?

This shame is not yours.
It comes from the collision between reality and fantasy.

7. Even no-contact survivors feel the echo of old conditioning 

Going no-contact removes the danger.
However, it doesn’t immediately erase:

• guilt
• grief
• longing
• old neural pathways
• the fantasy that “maybe this year will be different

The holidays can stir these emotions even years after leaving the family system.

This is normal.

What You Can Do to Navigate the Holidays

1. Set boundaries beforehand

Decide ahead of time:

• How long you’ll stay
• who you’ll sit near
• What topics are off limits
• when and how you will leave

Boundaries are preventative medicine–not emergency care.

2. Stay in your adult self

Before you walk in, gently remind yourself:

• “I am an adult.”
• “Their reactions are not my responsibility.”
• “I can choose what I engage with.”

Your childhood instincts may activate, but your adult self is in charge now.

3. Spend less time than you think you should

Two hours can be healthier than an entire day.

Quality is more important than endurance.

4. Don’t be alone with the most manipulative people

This one simple choice prevents half of the emotional ambushes survivors experience.

5. Have an exit plan

You do not need permission to leave.

Your well-being matters.

How to Navigate Christmas If You’re No-Contact

1. Remember why you chose no-contact

Write it down if needed:

• the abuse
• the manipulation
• the gaslighting
• the emotional toll
• the years of harm

You didn’t leave because you were weak.
You left because you finally became strong.

2. Understand that guilt is conditioning, not truth

Guilt in dysfunctional families is:

• taught
• reinforced
• expected

Feeling guilty does not mean you did anything wrong.

3. Allow grief

Grief for the family you never had is not a sign that you made the wrong choice.
It is a sign your heart is healing.

4. Create new traditions

This rewires your nervous system.

New traditions can be:

• Rodeo on Christmas Day
• quiet dinners
• staying home in pajamas
• candlelight and prayer
• movies
• volunteering
• baking
• going out into nature

Your traditions don’t have to resemble anyone else’s.

On the surface, these lists seem simple. I know from personal experience how much suffering, sorrow, and struggle they represent. It takes time to recover from your holidays, and it takes patience to reclaim peace. You deserve to be able to defy trauma and find joy this holiday season–and all through the year.

Download “How to Spot ‘The One,’ A red flag/green flag roadmap for anyone who wants a love that lasts.” Use the hidden freebie link at:         rebekahlaynebrown.com/freebies

Sign up for my monthly newsletter at :    https://rebekahlaynebrown.com/

Photo by Tim Graf on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

The post When Christmas Hurts: Why the Holidays Trigger Trauma appeared first on CPTSDfoundation.org.

Understanding Your Needs (Without Judgment)

The first step in navigating holiday events is understanding and validating our own responses. Many of us have internalized shame or self-criticism about our reactions to social situations, but these responses often serve an important protective function.

Before diving into strategies, let’s pause for a moment to reframe how we think about our responses to holiday events. What others might label as “social anxiety” or dismiss as “being antisocial,” we can recognize as our body’s innate wisdom at work. Instead of viewing our hesitation as a weakness, we can understand it as our finely-tuned nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do — protect us. When we feel the urge to step back, take breaks, or limit our time at events, that’s not a flaw or failure — it’s our body drawing on past experiences to keep us safe. This protective response is completely normal and even adaptive for trauma survivors.

Creating a Safety Plan for Holiday Events

Just as a pilot doesn’t take off without a flight plan, we shouldn’t enter potentially challenging social situations without a safety plan. Having clear strategies in place can help us feel more confident and in control of our experience.

Set Clear Boundaries Before the Event.

• Decide in advance how long you’ll stay
• Identify quiet spaces where you can take breaks
• Have an exit strategy and transportation plan
• Consider bringing a trusted colleague as an ally

Plan Your Self-Care Strategy

Self-care isn’t just about what we do after an event — it’s about making conscious choices during the event that honor our needs and boundaries. Here are some strategies to help you maintain your equilibrium while participating professionally.

You don’t need to attend every event or stay for the entire duration. Instead, consider making a brief appearance during quieter hours when the energy is typically more subdued and manageable. While there, position yourself strategically near exits or quiet corners, creating natural opportunities for breaks and ensuring you have easy access to less stimulating spaces when needed. Keep grounding objects in your pocket — perhaps a smooth stone, a fidget tool, or any small item that helps you stay connected to the present moment. Throughout your time there, use breathing techniques as needed to help regulate your nervous system and maintain your sense of calm and control.

Managing Common Challenges

Holiday events often present specific challenges for trauma survivors. By anticipating these challenges, we can prepare ourselves with effective coping strategies and responses that maintain both our well-being and professional relationships.

Alcohol and Substance Pressure

The presence of alcohol at workplace events can create additional stress for many trauma survivors. Whether for personal, health, or recovery reasons, it’s important to have strategies ready for navigating these situations.

Many trauma survivors face additional challenges around alcohol at holiday events. It’s perfectly acceptable to:

• Hold a non-alcoholic beverage
• Practice responses to decline drinks
• Leave before drinking increases
• Coordinate with HR for alcohol-free alternatives

Sensory Overload Management

Holiday celebrations often create environments that can quickly become overwhelming for our nervous systems. Understanding and preparing for these sensory challenges can help us manage them more effectively.

Holiday parties often mean bright lights, loud music, and crowds. Consider:

• Wearing comfortable clothes
• Using noise-canceling earbuds
• Taking regular outdoor breaks
• Standing near areas with better ventilation

Professional Impact and Recovery

The effects of attending holiday events don’t end when we leave the party. Taking a mindful approach to the following day can help us maintain our professional presence while honoring our need for recovery.

The Day After

Planning for the day after an office holiday event is just as important as preparing for the event itself. If possible, try to schedule a lighter workload, giving yourself permission to work at a gentler pace as you process and recover. Keep comfort items at your desk — perhaps a favorite tea, a soft scarf, or any objects that help you feel grounded and secure. When you’re ready, take time to process the experience with a trusted friend or therapist who can hold space for your feelings and insights. Most importantly, remember to celebrate your courage in showing up and navigating the event — each social interaction, no matter how brief, is a step forward in your journey of growth and healing.

Moving Forward

Success in navigating workplace events isn’t just about surviving them — it’s about growing stronger and more confident in our ability to manage professional situations while honoring our healing journey. Each experience provides valuable insights we can use to refine our approach.

Attending holiday work events while managing trauma responses takes incredible strength. Each social interaction is an opportunity to practice self-advocacy and build resilience, but only when it feels right for you.

Questions for Reflection and Journaling

Take some time to explore these questions in your journal. There are no right or wrong answers — this is your unique journey:

1. When have you successfully navigated a challenging social situation in the past, and what strengths did you draw upon in that moment?
2. What resources (internal and external) do you have available to support yourself during these events?
3. How might this experience contribute to your ongoing journey of professional growth while honoring your healing process?

An Invitation

If you’d like to join an online community of other resilient overcomers focusing on their careers, I invite you to join The Resilient Career Academy™ Community. (RCA Community)

The RCA Community is a group dedicated to helping/supporting those working to overcome adversity and achieve their full potential in their careers.

The benefits to you are:

• Community. The community provides support, encouragement, the ability to share frustrations and get feedback from people who understand the struggle.
• Workplace/Career Resources. The group provides tools, resources, and templates to help you with your career journey.
• Available Coaching Support. The community is supported by trained and certified coaches who are available for individual sessions.
• Learning. You will have access to various trauma/workplace-related online courses developed by our coaches to help you in your journey.
• Workshops/Webinars . You will have access to practical workshops/webinars targeted to help you in the workplace grow your career.

If you are interested in joining us, click here: https://resilientcareeracademy.myflodesk.com/community

As always, you do not have to walk this journey alone. Contact me to schedule your free discovery call.

Trigger Tracker Template — This is a FREE resource to help you become aware of your triggers in the workplace and plan the coping strategies you will use to get through the experience.

If you want to stay informed on the programs, tools, and training I offer, sign up for my mailing list.

You can also visit my website for more information on courses and other freebies I offer at: https://www.cyndibennettconsulting.com.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

The post Navigating Office Holiday Events: A Guide for Trauma Survivors appeared first on CPTSDfoundation.org.

An estimated 14% of adults experience “holiday blues” each year, with symptoms ranging from irritability and guilt to nostalgia and profound sadness. 

These feelings are often heightened by the pressure to appear happy, social, and generous while navigating complex family dynamics or memories of past traumas.

For those struggling with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), depression, or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), the season can feel overwhelming. 

The STAR Network recognizes how tough this time of year can be and offers free peer-to-peer support through TAR Anon™ meetings, creating a safe, supportive space to help you cope with these challenges.

In the following lines, we will talk more about the holiday blues and how you can start your healing journey. 

Why are the Holidays Difficult?

The end of the year is fraught with unique stressors, including:

1. High Expectations – Social media, advertisements, and societal norms perpetuate the idea that the holidays should be a time of endless joy, generosity, and connection. For those struggling emotionally, this expectation can feel like an impossible standard to meet.
2. Overwhelming Schedules – Packed calendars of family events, gift-giving, and financial strain can leave individuals feeling physically and emotionally depleted.
3. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) – For many, the shorter days and colder weather exacerbate depressive symptoms. Common symptoms of SAD include persistent low mood, lethargy, irritability, and feelings of worthlessness.
4. Isolation and Grief – Many face the holidays without loved ones, either due to estrangement, loss, or other painful circumstances. The season’s emphasis on togetherness often magnifies feelings of loneliness.
5. Past Trauma – The holidays can serve as a painful reminder of past abuses or unresolved family conflicts, making it especially difficult for those recovering from trauma.

Build a Support System with STAR Network

You don’t have to face the holiday blues alone. STAR Network offers free weekly TAR Anon™ meetings designed to support individuals dealing with toxic relationships, parental alienation, and other life challenges. 

These peer-to-peer support groups provide a safe, neuroregulated space where you can connect with others who truly understand what you’re going through.

Why Join TAR Anon™?

• Shared Experience: Connect with others who have faced similar struggles.
• Practical Tools: Learn coping strategies and self-care practices to navigate the holidays.
• Empowerment: Build resilience and find hope as you take steps toward healing.

Their community is here to help you move from surviving to thriving, even during the toughest times of the year.

Simple Ways to Be Kind to Yourself

While navigating holiday stress, it’s essential to prioritize your well-being. Here are a few tips to help you cope:

• Set Boundaries: Politely decline events or commitments that feel overwhelming.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Let go of perfectionism and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel how you feel.
• Focus on Small Joys: Schedule time for activities that nourish your spirit, such as walking in nature, journaling, or listening to music.
• Connect with Community: Joining a supportive group like TAR Anon™ can remind you that you’re not alone.

You Are Not Alone

If the holiday season is a struggle, remember that STAR Network is here to help. Their TAR Anon™ meetings offer a judgment-free space to share, heal, and rebuild your strength. 

Whether you’re feeling isolation, grief, or the weight of family expectations, their community can help you find light in the darkness.

To learn more and join a free support group, visit STAR Network.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

The post The Holiday Blues: Why the End of the Year is Emotionally Challenging and How to Cope? appeared first on CPTSDfoundation.org.

The Advent Season

The build-up to the Christmas season is what Christians call the Advent Season. It is usually four weeks and a few days before Christmas Day to prepare and get ready for the holidays. As each week goes by, a candle is lit, and the Sunday before Christmas is the day when we have four lit candles on our dinner table and in our living room. The final fifth candle is to mark Christmas Day. The day that 2,000 or so years ago, Christ was born in Bethlehem. Those weeks of advent can be extraordinarily busy for some people. If you have a family with young children, there is always the build-up of anticipation and excitement for Santa Claus to come. Kids may have an advent calendar to mark off the day by opening one window with a chocolate or small toy treat inside. We decorate our houses with Christmas trees, decorations and tinsel and maybe even put a Christmas wreath on the front door. We light up our houses inside and out to make our homes bright and cheerful. My own kids have been vibrating with excitement and energy for about a month now, and everyone is tired but happy. Keeping the kids busy before the holidays is always a challenge because if you live in the northern hemisphere, it is also getting dark early. I usually bake and do craft activities with my kids, and the board games come out in the evenings. We make gingerbread men and Christmas toffees and also build toy models out of wood or Legos. I get my guitar and flute out and play Christmas carols with my kids and their friends. It is a time for us to gather as a family after a busy day at work and school and be together. We light the advent candles before dinner each night and cozy up as the day folds into darkness. Traditionally, where we live, our kids do a Christmas pageant, a Christmas talent show, or a nativity play in our elementary and middle schools. Every state and county has different traditions. At work, there are usually Christmas parties, dinners, and drinks to celebrate another year gone by and to wish everyone a happy Christmas.

Families are usually spread out and no longer living in the same cities and towns as we used to do 100 years ago. There are always people in the family who have to travel. Some of us usually travel far and wide to visit with family over the Christmas holidays. Airports, freeways, buses, and trains are fully booked just before the holiday starts. Retail businesses are also unbelievably busy before the holiday begins, with grocery stores, food markets, and other retail businesses bursting at the seams with food, Christmas presents, and all you can think of to buy. You can buy pretty much anything before Christmas. If you are in marketing, you will have been campaigning for weeks to get customers to buy the products you are selling. Delivery vans are speeding up and down the streets to deliver parcels and gifts to people everywhere. The Christmas holiday season is big business.

Celebrating Christmas

Christmas Eve arrives, and time slows down. People have all their loved ones in one place, and all the decorations and gifts have been bought and wrapped. Most countries in Europe and Asia celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. All Christians have their own traditions of food, drinks, treats, and the time they exchange their gifts. It is as individual as our faces, and all families are slightly different in the way they celebrate. What we all have in common is that we have come to spend time together. It is a precious time of year. In the US, UK, and Australia, we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day. That is the day we have our Christmas dinner and exchange gifts. It is a day when our Christmas table is filled with happy faces and joy as we share Christmas food and laughter around the table. We always have our “emergency chairs” come out from the cupboard as we don’t normally have 12 people around the table. If you are religious, you may go to church on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day or maybe one of them, depending on when you can fit everything into the day. When it is time to exchange gifts, we gather together in one room and often spend hours laughing and enjoying each precious gift. The kids get so excited about their presents as there is a flurry of wrapping paper and tape that gets catapulted around the room with whoops of joy and happiness. It is all part of Christmas – sharing joy and happiness.

Not everyone has got family at Christmas. I used to be one of them because I chose to move away from my own family due to abuse. It was my choice and the right one for me. Christmas can be a very lonely time, and if you are one of those survivors who do not have family, I think of you. I hope that wherever you are in your healing journey, you keep well and take some time for yourself. Spend some time with a friend and in a happy place. Try not to be alone for the whole day. Look after yourself and know that you do matter and you are not alone. There is a new year just a few days away with an endless amount of opportunities and possibilities. The future is always bright.

I wish you all a happy and joyful Christmas!

With Love,

Elizabeth

Photo by Yevhen Buzuk on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

The post It’s Beginning to look a lot like Christmas! appeared first on CPTSDfoundation.org.

I opened the top of my prescription bottle and looked inside. There were only three little, round pills left. Xanax was more valuable to me than gold. I was seeing a psychiatrist for depression, and besides the anti-depressants that didn’t seem to be working, he had prescribed a miracle drug—Xanax. I could be in the middle of my worst anxiety attack, mind racing, stomach churning, heart thumping, and one little Xanax made it all disappear. Setting the bottle on the kitchen counter near the trash can, I went to get dressed. When I started to walk out the door, I couldn’t find my pill bottle. Panic shot through my stomach. Where had I put them? I thought I had left them on the counter! Where was my Xanax? There were only a few left, and I had already been planning how to dole them out. I couldn’t lose them altogether. Where was my Xanax! 

I heard my husband turning on the shower. “Matt!” I screeched. “Did you see my pill bottle on the counter?”

“I dunno,” he said nonchalantly. “I cleaned up the kitchen this morning and took out the trash. Maybe they accidentally got thrown away.”

Racing to the curb, I hefted the trash bag from the bin and ripped it open. Glops of spaghetti, old coffee grinds, and filters mixed with disgusting potato peels covered everything. I didn’t care. I had to find that prescription. I began taking out wadded pieces of paper, old cereal boxes, and plastic lids, littering them along the driveway. Finally, all the way down at the bottom, I caught a flash of white. It was the top of my pill bottle. Breathlessl,y I grabbed it and held it close. I heard the comforting chink of the pills inside. Thank God I had noticed they were missing before the trash guys came by.

That was the day I realized I had a problem. I would have done anything to get those pills. The fact that I had gotten so upset was an indicator of just how dependent upon them I had become. A worse indicator was the fact that they were losing their oomph. I was upping the dosage and mixing them with alcohol to get that smooth, sustained relief, and even that wasn’t working anymore. I knew I was reaching dangerous levels, but I couldn’t stop. Therein lies the problem. Benzodiazepines give temporary relief to anxiety, but as soon as the drug wears off, the anxiety comes roaring back. In addition, benzodiazepines lose their potency over time. 

When you’re in a really bad place, medication can save your life. But if you are not careful, it can also kill you. Imagine suffering from constant, torturous terror and finding one little pill that will instantly turn it off. No wonder I thought I had discovered a miracle.

Looking back at one of my journal entries from that time, I know why I was beginning to be swallowed by the vortex of addiction. 

“I feel so depressed this Christmas,” I wrote. “Why do I have to have such a screwed-up family? I’ve been having thoughts of taking my life a lot, lately, everything feels hopeless. How I wish I’d never been born. I just don’t know how I’m going to do life. I’m just no good at it. I feel so bad all the time. I’m afraid. I’m afraid all of the time. Things will never be any different for me.”

The holidays have a way of bringing angst and sorrow to the surface. The holidays put us back in the past with all of the abusive demands and expectations. One way survivors of childhood trauma try to cope is by using outside sources to soothe all those raw emotions, in effect, numbing them out. We use drugs, alcohol, food, busyness, work, and a thousand other things to keep us from feeling. In the end, those things are only a temporary fix and are not only emotionally dangerous but can also be physically dangerous. 

Eventually, numbing will not work, and if you are engaged in healing, addictions and numbing habits only get in the way. Instead of numbing out this holiday season, try to put in protective boundaries. Don’t participate in the usual crazy. Know going in that your family is not going to change, but you have the power to make a different choice. You can limit the time you spend with them or cut it out altogether. You can choose safe and uplifting friends to spend time with. You can host a holiday party or dinner for people who don’t have family. You can create your own family. Allow yourself time to grieve what you do not have, but don’t stay there. Look around. Perhaps there are opportunities you never thought about to change the way you approach the holiday season. It’s important to your spirit to celebrate in a real way. You deserve a holiday season filled with joy and it is possible to make small steps toward that. Defy trauma, embrace joy. 

Sign up to receive a free newsletter with video and worksheets, at DefyTraumaEmbraceJoy.com

Contact me at hello@defytraumaembracejoy.com

Photo by Matteo Badini on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

The post Numbing Out For the Holidays appeared first on CPTSDfoundation.org.

Wait a minute, weren’t Thanksgiving and Christmas just last week? Here they come again. Celebration doesn’t mix well with trauma. Everyone talks about the busyness of the season as a source of stress, but for survivors of childhood trauma, the struggle with the holidays has much deeper implications.

Memories from the past come to the surface. Emotional damage and conditioning push our default button. While everyone else is drinking hot cocoa and eating turkey, we are filled with despair and hopelessness. The loneliness of our childhood is only exacerbated by all the togetherness. If we are still in contact with our family, there is the additional stress of figuring out how to deal with them without going into a major depression. If we have gone no contact, we must deal with the guilt and obligation made worse by holiday expectations.

My family of origin had so many strange demands and behaviors associated with the holidays that the “celebration” became nothing but a source of dread. Even when I broke away from the family system, it took a long time not to be haunted by the memories and the brainwashing. We had everything backwards.

By rejecting the giver, gift-giving was a way to pile on more abuse. I once dragged a framed page from a book printed in the 1500s all the way from Europe as a present for my father. Knowing he was a history buff, I thought I had found the perfect present. He returned it to me, saying he didn’t have room for it on the wall. The silent message was always, “You’re as worthless as your gifts.” Nothing is ever the right size or the right color or the right choice. 

You can never do enough. You didn’t help enough with the dinner. You didn’t stay long enough at the party. You didn’t do enough to make me happy, and on and on and on. The same old abusive pattern goes on steroids during the holidays. No wonder childhood trauma survivors struggle with celebrations. 

I enjoy paper crafting. I recently found a wonderful YouTube channel called “Treasure Books.” They’ve given me so many ideas that I can’t stop myself. Because they take a lot of creativity and time to make, I’m having a hard time giving any of them away. But what am I going to do with twenty crafted “treasure books?” Keep them for me so they can go to waste?

That’s exactly what narcissists do with the holidays. They keep everything for themselves. Using manipulation and harassment, they demand control. What they want is narcissistic supply, and they will get it no matter how much it costs. Feeding off your confusion and sadness, they like to create an uproar.

Abusers take and take and take, thus destroying the holiday for what it should be. As survivors, we don’t have to live like this anymore. It’s not too late to take your celebration back. In fact, it’s high time you did!

We can be at peace with the way our family behaves by not participating in the old expectations anymore. Separate yourself from the system. I like to think of ways I can serve safe people who are willing to receive what I have to give. I no longer try to please an unpleasant master. Everyone was a loser when I participated in that game.

No matter how beautiful my crafted treasure books are, they don’t do anybody any good sitting on my desk. It is in giving that we receive. We must be careful with whom we entrust the most precious gift of all…the gift of ourselves. Don’t waste your holidays on people who only want to hurt you. Create a new holiday, and celebrate with all your heart. You’ve suffered long enough. Let this year be different. Defy trauma embrace joy

Sign up for my free Newsletter at: DefyTraumaEmbraceJoy.com

Photo by coincidence on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

The post Here Come the Holidays appeared first on CPTSDfoundation.org.