This post looks back at the recent US Holiday, “Mothers Day”, and the challenges it creates for survivors of trauma with a mother wound.

How are you feeling today?

Do you have a complex relationship with today being Mother’s Day?

I know I do, and I thought I’d write this piece for those of you who feel the same. Those of you who didn’t have loving mothers.

Not all mother’s deserve to be celebrated on this day.

I wish I could say that I had a good mother, but the truth is I didn’t.

My mother told me repeatedly that I was unwanted and she wished I had died when I was born.

There was a mother in the hospital bed next to hers, who gave birth to twins too early. Both boys didn’t make it. My mother wished I had died with them since I was born early too.

But I survived.

She offered to take me to their gravestone several times. To show me what should have happened to me too.

To be profoundly unwanted leaves a mark like no other. It’s imprinted in my soul.

I cannot celebrate a mother who wished me dead.

I’ve spent all my life getting away from my parents because they both hurt me in the most profound way through physical and emotional abuse and neglect.

Not only did my mother not want me, but she openly encouraged my so-called father to do the things he did to me. My mother knew, and yet she handed me to him. Gave her permission for him to hurt me.

A mother who hands her only daughter to a sex-offender doesn’t deserve to be celebrated.

When I told her what my so-called father did to me with his pedophile friends — she laughed in my face. She called me a liar with a vivid imagination. That it was my fault.

That is unforgivable.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

My so-called father and his pedophile friends raped and killed a ten-year old girl next to me. I was only eight when it happened.

A week later, I witnessed a twenty-seven year old woman be raped and drowned.

I told my mother, but she wouldn’t listen.

I cannot celebrate a mother who covers up murderers.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

I was bullied throughout school because we moved away from the south but my accent wouldn’t change. I didn’t belong, and the kids showed me how much they hated me every day.

I was punched, kicked and my clothes were scorched while I was still wearing them. My burns got infected, but mother would not take me to the doctor. We had no insurance, so I was left to suffer.

A mother who allows her daughter to be bullied and physically hurt doesn’t deserve to be called a mother.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

When I miscarried my father’s secrets, my mother refused to get me help. I’m lucky to be alive today, after suffering the pain of three miscarriages without medical help.

My mother let me suffer the pain and the shame without any help. She turned away when I needed her the most.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

She wanted me gone from her house, to have her new husband and baby son to herself. I was too young to work and I had no other choice but to stay.

A mother who rejects her child is not a mother.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

When I was eighteen the law stated that I was no longer a minor. My childhood prison was lifted and I left them and everything I’d ever known.

I’ve never looked back.

I started my life again in a new place.

A new home.

I went to the cops and told my story. The sex-factories. The pedophile ring — everything I saw and suffered. The cops listened. They made lengthy records and tapes. They got my hospital records. My childhood years pried wide open. In the end it’s my word against them.

The police advised against going to court. Who will believe my voice?

I told my mother what I had done. She refused to believe me despite everything.

I cannot celebrate a mother who doesn’t believe the truth.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

I studied at college and became a teacher. My writing was still something I kept to myself. I met somebody special.

I married him and we had children.

I never thought my body could produce one child, let alone two healthy babies. I see them as the most precious gift that I was given.

I am a mother who give my children everything I can.

I love them both deeply and I remind them of that every single day.

I talk to them about their lives, about school and their struggles. I help them with homework and problems. We figure it out together as a family.

Today is mother’s day.

I can celebrate myself as a mother with my family.

I can celebrate me.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

Photo by Dmitry Shulga on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

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More from Elizabeth Woods:

• The Sex-Offender’s Daughter
• Trauma and its Effect on the Brain
• Continued: Trauma and its Effect on the Brain
• This is How IT Feels

As a trauma survivor, I started questioning why I am the way I am in certain situations. I have noticed all my life that most people around me do not react as vividly to situations as I do. I often wondered why I was so sensitive to situations.

Have you ever felt the same? Do you feel that you notice stressful things quicker than others?

I decided to act on my curiosity and started reading about trauma and the brain. I came across several books, expert scientists, and psychiatrists in the field who talked about trauma, and the effect stress has on the brain.

The more I found out, the more I wanted to read, and I thought I would share some of what I discovered. As a trauma survivor, my brain is different from a person who has not suffered trauma. Reading about how my brain is different has helped me understand myself on a deeper level.

Maybe my research can help you too?

So, what is Trauma?

Trauma is when a person experiences a distressing event or series of events, such as abuse, a bad accident, rape or other sexual violence, army combat or even a natural disaster.

Trauma can be either physical, emotional, or both. Trauma causes dysregulation within the autonomic nervous system in the brain. It makes the sympathetic nervous system in the brain over-activated, causing the traumatized person to go into what is called a “fight/flight” response.

This response of fight/flight means that your body tenses up, and gets ready to react in times of stress.

Trauma also causes the parasympathetic part of our brains, the part that is responsible for our ability to rest and relax after a traumatic event, to become underactive. Our bodies go into a hypervigilance state and the inability to feel comfortable and relaxed.

This in turn leads to PTSD or CPTSD.

For people who develop CPTSD, trauma can most often be both physical and emotional because of the nature of how abuse happens. Often a survivor has been experiencing trauma for a prolonged time, even years.

A CPTSD brain

A survivor of child sexual abuse has unprocessed memories that are highly emotionally charged and easily triggered.

A survivor often thinks about and tries to interpret and make sense of their traumatic memories.

A survivor has different cognitive and behavioral responses to normal life events and these include avoidance of certain situations and strategies to keep safe in any eventuality.

A survivor suffers from flashbacks rather than “memories”.

A flashback is an intense, vivid, and often disturbing recollection of the abuse. A person relives the abuse as if the memory is happening right here and now.

Flashbacks are often fragmentary, sensory, and unchanging in vivid detail. I know this because I developed CPTSD after my traumatic childhood, and I have lived with flashbacks all my adult life.

It is stressful to live with constant flashbacks because not only does it feel like it is happening now, but a flash happens involuntarily. It suddenly hits you like a bucket of ice water, and you might be in a board meeting with your boss!

It is never a pleasant experience no matter where you are, or who you are with. It is even worse when you are alone.

Memories vs Trauma Memories

A normal memory in a normal brain is time-stamped in a part of our brain called the Hippocampus. This is where all of our long-term memories are stored. They are accessible to our conscious recall, and they can be reconstructed.

We know this memory is from the past, and we can summon it and talk about it with anyone. For example: “Remember when we had ice cream on the beach, and then it started to rain hailstones as big as golf balls?” We instantly return to that memory and can share it openly with others.

A trauma memory is caused by extreme stress. This is also stored in the Hippocampus like a normal memory, but the difference is that the Hippocampus cannot properly process the traumatic memory and store it away.

This memory is not date-stamped, and a different part of our sensory brain, called the amygdala, takes over the function of processing these traumatic memories.

The amygdala, part of our brain, is only supposed to sort out our responses to senses like sound, sight, touch, taste, and smell. It is not able to deal with the full nature of the trauma memory. It becomes overactive under the conditions of extreme stress from our traumatic experiences.

The trauma memory becomes vividly detailed, and easily triggered. I often think of a trauma brain as a bookshelf. A bookshelf that has been stacked improperly is like a CPTSD brain. When someone brushes past the books sticking out, a memory gets triggered, and the books (memories) come tumbling out of the shelves.

Sometimes a person is flooded with senses without explanation, other times its just meaningless fragments, and sometimes the entire shelf falls, and we get soaked by the waterfall of vivid memories as the books tumble out noisily.

The next time a trigger happens the books (memories) fall more and more aggressively. The only way to stop the books (memories) from tumbling down is to have a good tidy. These traumatic memories need a gentle examination by the conscious brain, processing them in a safe environment and storing them back safely in the correct part of the brain.

The Survival mode brain — Fight / Flight

When your trauma memories have reached the Amygdala for processing rather than in the correct part of the brain, which is the Hippocampus, you start to live in survival mode.

It feels like living constantly in the “on” position of a switch ,and you just cannot turn “off”. You are feeling very reactive to the world. You are defensive about everything and sometimes even aggressive about the things you care about.

In this state, you avoid certain situations, and you often feel unable to trust the people around you. In this state, you are stuck, and you feel powerless to the extreme changes in how your body reacts to stress.

Some survivors switch from being hyper-aroused (jittery and switched on) to hypo-aroused (numb and withdrawn).

The Everyday CPTSD brain

Survivors of trauma, like me, often tend to over-focus on perceived threats, and this can make it hard to directly focus on everyday things. A sudden loud noise outside the office can make anyone feel annoyed, but to a trauma survivor, it can feel like a threat. That threat, no matter if it is real or not causes the CPTSD brain to react in a fight/flight way, tensing the body.

This problem is linked to reduced connectivity in the brain’s attention system, called the Ventral and Dorsal networks. How these are performed is linked to our trauma experiences in early life.

The Ventral system is responsible for our involuntary attention. The Dorsal system is our voluntary attention. Oxytocin is a hormone called a neurotransmitter,;produced in the hypothalamus part of the brain. This hormone helps to regulate and improve our ability to bond with other people.

When a survivor is stuck in a fight/flight state for a very long time, it makes the body have lots of energy from being hyper-alert. The body is in need of being downregulated, or calming down the nervous system.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, recognize how your heart is beating.

Is your pulse racing after that flashback?

Take a beat and give yourself time. You need to take it slow, and take care of yourself. Go grab that coffee you’ve been postponing for the last two hours. Hold that warm cup in your hand and let it ground you to the moment. You’ve got this!

The “Freeze state”

Sometimes the trauma causes so much pain and stress that you react by freezing. This is especially true after being sexually abused. Your body becomes immobile.

It feels like being in deep despair, and you feel totally helpless in that moment. You can’t move, or talk and your whole body freezes. Your brain may be physically and mentally unresponsive, and you might faint.

You suffer what is called a psychological shutdown. The body remembers the trauma, and it stores the stress in the muscles all-round the body, which becomes trapped and unable to dissipate. Years later when you flashback to a particularly traumatic event, especially sexual, you re-live this freeze state.

When you come out of this state and return to the present you will feel unwell. You may even be physically sick. I often remember being sick after being abused as a child, and falling asleep in my own vomit.

I can only compare this feeling to coming out of anesthesia after an operation. It needs to be done gradually.

Suffering any kind of shutdown is terrifying, and this is when you need to give yourself time. Time to be compassionate with yourself is important. Let someone take care of you if you have a friend nearby. If anything, they will probably be worried about you.

When this has happened to me, I first do an internal body check. Yes, I’m still me, my heart is beating, and I can see, hear, touch, and feel things. I like to have lots of air and quiet space, so I go outside and breathe. I like to ground myself to the now and let my body adjust back to the fact that I am safe in the present moment. I remind myself of my name, the year, and how old I am. I finish by thinking about where I am and what has happened in my day so far, and where to go next.

The ritual really works for me.

Why don’t you try it out and let me know if it works for you too?

Do you have a “safe place” where you can escape for a few minutes and take a beat? Somewhere you feel calm and happy? This is where you need to be after a tricky day. Take care of yourself because you matter.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

I’ve been lucky to come across a free 90-minute Webinar with Dr. Gabor Mate, and have been consuming it for the past three days. Dr. Gabor Mate has launched a new program on how to heal from trauma through go.mentorshow.com. It’s a program for trauma survivors, and I recommend that you check it out if you are struggling with any trauma.

Dr. Gabor Mate asks: What do you feel?

Anger

Sad

Fear

Shame

Happy

Dr. Gabor Mate says that you can feel all kinds of emotions, but there could be trauma lurking behind them as well.

You will know if this is you because you feel it. Trauma is your response to what happened to you, whether from experiences such as child abuse, domestic violence, divorce, an accident, a war zone, or the loss of a loved one.

Trauma is everywhere in our society right now: we know this because we are living with it. You can’t help but encounter something distressing in the world or at home, because it is everywhere on social media and in the news. It is constantly reported, with photos and video coverage — happening in 3D whether you choose to ignore it or not.

The way you respond to traumatic events is your personal trauma. It’s what you feel inside your body, mind, and heart.

I agree with Dr. Gabor Mate. Many of us trauma survivors manage our daily lives by wearing masks to cover up our emotions. And the majority of us are awesome at doing it. In fact, we are so great at wearing our masks that we suppress what we really feel.

Think about it…

How often have you said yes to something that you don’t want to do? 

How many times have you stuck your neck out for someone who went against your personal desires? Like giving them a ride in the opposite direction of where you needed to be, making yourself late in the process.

How often do you put others before yourself? 

Do you ever put yourself first?

I’ve done it, and I’m still doing it after years of therapy. I know better, and yet I’m still doing it.

There comes a point when you’ve got to take charge of your own healing together with a therapist’s support. This is where I’m at now, and I’ve been doing so for some years.

You can heal from your trauma, too. Check out Dr. Gabor Mate’s latest program on go.mentorshow.com

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Anxiety is the emotion that people feel involving tension, fear, and worry in response to a threat or a perceived threat. Anxiety triggers a stress reaction in the body, which manifests in several physical ways. For example:

• Increased heart rate
• Faster breathing
• Sweating
• Irritated
• Tense muscles
• Concentration
• Problems sleeping

Anxiety can happen to anybody. We just don’t talk about it–but maybe we should. Maybe it’s time that we start talking about how we feel, because I can guarantee that most people you know have suffered from anxiety at some point this year. Anxiety doesn’t just happen when we are afraid. Daily life is full of situations that could go wrong. This includes:

• Important events or decisions–You worry about a change at work which will affect you and your team.
• Public speaking–You worry about a presentation that you are about to give to a global audience via Zoom.
• Social situations–You dread going to the office Christmas party. 

Anxiety is common in our society but it’s not disussed nearly enough. People are left to suffer when there are simple strategies that can help.

Strategies to Reduce Anxiety

Self care

Relaxation techniques

Exercise

Getting enough sleep

Reduce caffeine intake and other stimulants–such as sugary drinks

Talking to a friend about how you feel

Therapy

If your anxiety is severe, it might be a good idea to find a skilled therapist who can help you with targeted strategies.

Medications

Your doctor can prescribe medicines to relieve your symptoms.

Preventing Anxiety from happening

Don’t tell yourself not to worry. The act of worrying is a response to the situations.

1. Try out a meditation app like “Calm.” Meditation can help when you constantly think about your situation by helping you focus your mind elsewhere. This can work on communication, too. Instead of zoning out of conversations, you tune back in to what the person is telling you. What did they say?
2. Don’t let negative thoughts settle in your head. Instead, wash them away and let them go. Imagine a river and watch your thoughts leave, or you could put your hands under the faucet and let the water sluice over your hands as your thoughts vanish between your fingers. Write those negative thoughts down.
3. Write a list of the best/worst-case scenarios.
4. Exercise.
5. Practice mindfulness.
6. Relaxation/yoga.
7. Listen to music.
8. Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a week?”
9. Maintain a balanced diet.
10. Ask yourself: “What if?”

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

 Photo credit: unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Who listens to children? Who hears them and acts on the truth in a helpful way? Who chooses to walk away?

The truth is, not many adults act when they should, and the cost to abused children is too much. They are ignored by those who have the power to help, and they carry on being abused.

I was the child who was ignored despite my pleas for help. I wasn’t just ignored by my bio-family, but teachers and doctors too.

All child abuse survivors have felt this betrayal by those who hurt them and failed to take care of their basic needs. They don’t need further betrayal from those who could help — yet, they are.

That deep betrayal lives in me and in all other child abuse survivors.

Survivors’ experiences are different, but there is one thing that we all feel, and that is loneliness.

Abuse and trauma within a family almost always comes with deep-seated betrayal of trust, neglect, abandonment, and lies.

Survivors feel alone in the world, and that burden is like a choking desolation.

Nobody wants us, and no one around us knows or wants to know what is happening, even if we tell or act it out. ( I tried) That truth is crushing for a young child.

Imagine never having a loving parent tucking you in at night when you might be scared of the dark.

An abused child is deeply traumatized by the dark and agonizes about it every day because when that darkness arrives, so does the pain.

The Importance of Role-Models

Children growing up need role models to help them make sense of the world. Role models give children an idol, someone to count on and guide them through life’s ups and downs.

A child growing up in a loving family will learn to love and treat others.

If a child has never had a positive role model, they will grow up to be at a disadvantage in many developmental milestones, especially social skills.

If your parents never hugged you, how can you know what a hug feels like?

If your parents never talked to you, how can you develop speech patterns and convey meaning in language?

An abused child misses out on so much.

Teachers are great role models and open up a world of education and experiences that these children cannot get from home. School trips are fun, and classrooms come alive in color and models during those early Pre-K to elementary years.

Where else can you be better submerged in a community aside from an elementary school?

Kids are great role models and can show their peers what to do. We learn a lot from one another.

I realized that I could have more freedom when I disappeared.

The media and TV have an abundance of role models as well. We are immersed in the internet and social media culture, and everything trickles down to our kids.

Not all children are lucky to have access to the internet and media at home, but they will get exposure in school.

Music and videos are playing in malls, on billboards, and in advertisements all around us. We cannot help knowing what is happening because information is everywhere in the suburban world.

I realized that I could have more freedom when I disappeared from my bio-family.

As soon as I could get away, I would be out on the streets looking for role models who might want me. At that time, I was completely vulnerable. I met a lot of different people on the streets, but I was smart too and learned to watch my six and not trust adults.

I never found a magic family that wanted to adopt me. Instead, I got taken back to my house every single time I stayed out too long.

As an adolescent from an abusive home, I was the perfect target for drug dealers. I had already seen what drugs and alcohol did to people and wanted no part of that life.

Many adolescent abuse survivors turn to drugs and alcohol to fit in and get an escape from reality.

I preferred to stay hungry rather than break the law. I needed to get away permanently from my bio-family, not be thrown into jail.

Seeking comfort in strangers

I chose my role models based on the person I saw myself becoming one day.

I saw how the young lady always smiled at her customers at the food market, and how it affected her sales.

Grumpy Gus selling potatoes in monosyllabic grunts never attracted customers to linger and talk.

These people helped me decide who I wanted to be. I took notice of people and picked the attributes that I liked.

Those role models helped me put together my identity because I refused to be like the people who hurt me.

The need for role models doesn’t stop in childhood. It follows you throughout life.

You want to be around family during the holidays. I spent them alone.

You want your family at your wedding and college graduation. (I had none, and I felt it)

When you find out you are expecting a baby, it’s scary and brings up tons of stuff. You want to ask your parents about it. (I couldn’t)

There are many moments in life when you want your family to stand behind you. A survivor simply doesn’t have that bond with family, and it hurts. 

This article has given you an insight into what it is like to grow up as an abused child. The importance of role models follows survivors into adulthood and beyond.

Most of the time, survivors need hope and love. Hope that not everyone in this world is a monster, and that we are worthy of being loved.

This is the world we need to show kids. A world that is wonderful and exciting. A world where everyone matters because we do. We matter, and we all have a voice.

Nobody should be ignored and alone. 

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

My name is Elizabeth, and I’m a survivor of child abuse and horrific trauma. Healing from trauma is not a quick fix, and recognizing that it will take time is part of the struggle.

“I want to feel better” We say to ourselves.

But some days just don’t go our way, and no matter what life throws at us, we hit the red lights at every intersection.

Other days, we flow through life like a river rushing towards a giant waterfall, as we plunge right to where we want to be. No matter what kind of day, week, or month you are having, it’s important to recognize that you cannot go through life as easily on your own.

Human beings are social creatures, and we often feel better when receiving support from a strong network around us. For most people, it’s our families that hold us together like “glue”.

How many times have you heard your friends talking about their families?

Every day, am I right?

I think it’s nice to hear people share their family stories, but it also makes me jealous.

I’ve got nothing to say when people ask me about my family. I tell them they’re all dead, but it’s not true.

I’ve never had a strong family behind me that I could turn to when I hit all the red lights. I’ve never had a strong role model in my life to help me when I needed it.

Life is harder when the going gets tough for survivors of child abuse and trauma.

I’ve heard the old saying that “It takes a village to raise a child” many times. I agree with that statement, but I think it doesn’t stop when you grow up.

An adult still needs a strong social network of support through all of life’s successes and downfalls.

Imagine if you have to go through a tricky surgery and you need to leave your young kids with someone you trust. Most people choose family.

I never could trust my own family with my own safety, so how could I trust them with my children?

When you get married, you want the world to come to the wedding. I walked down the aisle with “my half” of the room empty. Someone saw a lone tear escape down my cheek, and a big shuffle started with people moving across to my side. It was a nice gesture that made me feel welcomed into my husband’s family.

When you graduate from college, you want people to come and see you achieve a milestone in your life.

I’ve never had that support, and the loss feels like a vacuum in my life, leaving an empty void.

Sharing special moments must be incredible with family around you. I wish I knew how it felt.

It’s much harder to succeed in achieving your goals all alone, but if you get help and support along the way, it’s easier.

Part of healing from abuse is being willing to accept help from others.

This is something most trauma survivors struggle with because part of the damage is that we don’t “trust anyone to be there for us”, without it coming with a price tag, or a ramification of some sort.

It’s even more difficult to recognize that we need help and to ask for it.

I know I’m not good at asking for help, but I also know that I’m one of those people who will bend over backward for anyone who needs my help.

Isn’t that weird?

I’ve been told that accepting help and offering help to others are two different things. As a trauma survivor, I recognize hurt so much quicker than someone who has not lived through trauma. I see the pain from just a look, and I get “that feeling.” It can be overwhelming at times.

Reaching out

When life isn’t going so well, it is important to reach out to people you trust, like friends and, of course, family, if you have them.

Reaching out to friends and family not only feels good, but it also helps you to regulate your feelings.

I don’t know how often I have crossed the street to my friend’s house and sat in her kitchen with a coffee, watching her do laundry while our kids run around our feet. I mean, who does that? Well, my friends and I do it all the time. Just being in someone else’s house can help if you are having a bad day.

Make sure to choose the people you turn to who’s got your back. You will find out very quickly if someone is not trustworthy, and it’s not a nice feeling to be betrayed by someone close. It can take a while to get back up on your feet again.

Sometimes you think you know the person, only to find out they never had your best interests at heart.

If it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. Listen to that inner voice of yours.

There are those times when you need more help than just sitting in someone’s kitchen or having a catch-up coffee with a friend.

Tell that person you need their undivided attention to listen to you vent or to understand that you have a problem and need their advice. For these conversations, only privacy can help.

Let someone else take care of the kids for an hour and go somewhere private. Sometimes, these conversations are so difficult that you might just need a shoulder to cry on. Boy, have I been there plenty of times.

Whatever you need at that moment is the right thing to do.

I have come a long way in my healing journey by opening up to trusting people about my past. I feel better after sharing my hurt and pain with people.

I wrote a memoir of my childhood Amazon.com: The Sex-Offender’s Daughter: A True Story of Survival Against All Odds eBook: Woods, Elizabeth: Kindle Store and published it for the world to see.

I wrote the book to help other survivors know that it is okay to be allowed to have a life after abuse, and to fully live it. I also wrote it for therapists and other professionals who work with trauma survivors, so that they can understand what survivors carry before they get help.

You are not alone in the world. Use the people around you who make you feel better and let them know what your struggles are. The people who love you will want to know, and help you thrive.

Trust your instincts about people. They are usually right.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

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Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

For the life you should have had

I think of you often.

The life you should have lived. Who you would have become.

But didn’t.

We looked alike — back then. I was younger.

You were murdered at ten-years-old. You died right next to me — by a monster.

I never understood why. Still don’t.

We were so young back then. You had a confidence about you that I lacked at my eight-years-old.

I didn’t understand – until it was too late.

They wrestled us both to the ground.

I tried to tell you to let them do what they wanted. It had happened to me many times. I knew to play robot.

I remember turning my head. My eyes were pleading.

Don’t fight them! It makes it worse.

You didn’t stop fighting.

He got mad. He hurt you more.

Then you stopped.

I saw it all.

After — You laid sprawled on the dirt, unseeing eyes staring into the cerulean sky. Naked. The memory etched into my brain forever.

It should never have happened.

He just left you there, dusted himself off and started shouting and swearing. He went crazy, and tried to go for me too.

My monster stopped him.

The monsters put you in that black garbage bag, tied it and left you in the stifling heat.

After I was forced away, I couldn’t help looking back to see if you had tried to get free. They wouldn’t let me see but I managed one eye through a tight hand over my face.

You never moved.

I screamed at them to help you.

I was hysterical by seeing you in that black garbage bag. Like you were trash that needed to be thrown away.

We had just played a game. I wanted to play more. I couldn’t understand what had happened.

I wanted to know you were okay.

I guess part of me knew — even back then, that your life had ended.

The national newspaper put your picture on the front page. Your face on milk cartons.

No one believed the eight-year-old me, when I tried to explain what happened. My words wouldn’t come. It was as if my voice couldn’t speak those words about what happened to you — and to me.

Yet, I lived. I’m still alive — decades later.

Your life ended at age ten.

It doesn’t seem fair.

You should have lived. Had your first kiss and slow dance with your first love. Lost your virginity in the back of a truck. Gone through high school and off to college and become someone. You should have had the opportunity to fall in love and get married. Maybe even had your own family someday — if you wanted to.

You should have lived, and I feel deeply sorry that you didn’t.

I was there that day. I couldn’t stop them.

I will never forget you.

I have had the opportunities I spoke of. I have loved, and felt true happiness. I have had the gift of having children. I have witnessed many things.

I have never forgotten you. Instead I have carried you as I experienced life. In some ways I have lived my life because I knew you couldn’t.

I found out recently that your killer was caught, and he hung himself in prison a long time ago. I wish I had found out sooner because the man haunts me in my dreams.

My monster is still out there. He was never caught.

He let me live that day.

I still wonder why.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Who cares what you think about yourself?

Well, you do–yes, really. The reason is that you matter, and your presence in this world matters.

Think about the last meaningful conversation that you had with someone. What happened, and how did you leave it? Did you feel happy about it, or not?

Why did you feel that way?

Everything you do in life matters, and believe it or not, people do pay attention.

Think about the last time you made a stupid mistake. How quickly did people notice and comment? Did someone make a joke at your expense?

How about the last time you did something amazing–like getting your first year sober, or passing an exam? People notice these things and want to celebrate your successes.

I used to think no one noticed me, but when I looked for evidence, I found clear examples of people hearing, seeing, and noticing me.

My point is, we don’t often pause and think about ourselves because we are too busy. But by ignoring our feelings, we miss more than we can ever consider.

Think about someone who makes you happy. It could be a family member or a good friend.

What’s special about them? What do you value in them?

Do they have a great sense of humor? Maybe they’re a good listener, or someone with positive energy? Perhaps you value their kindness the most? Maybe they have some other qualities that sets them apart from others.

Someone told me recently that they like being with me because “I made them feel seen,” because I listen.

Now turn those same questions to yourself.

What’s special about you? What qualities do people value in you? What type of friend and colleague are you? What sets you apart from others?

What comments do you get from people?

How do you feel about yourself? Is your answer positive, balanced, or negative?

How do you think your perceptions affect your life?

Self-worth vs. self-esteem

These two words sound similar, but they do have different meanings.

Self-worth is the way you value yourself. It is the way you believe in yourself–that you are good enough to receive love, respect, and kindness from other people.

People with low self-esteem generally have a negative view of themselves. They are usually quick to judge or evaluate themselves by criticizing their own actions, brushing off compliments, and focusing on mistakes.

Living without self-worth makes is very difficult to put yourself first. For example, you may not go for that opportunity because you feel other people are better than you. You might stay in an abusive relationship because you don’t feel that you deserve better from life.

You are the one who initiates what happens in your life. It all starts with you. Your overall health is important because it affects the ways in which you feel, think, and behave.

Having low self-worth puts you at risk for many health conditions, like anxiety and depression. Over time, these can lead to problems such as phobias and substance abuse.

Self-esteem relies on external factors like successes and achievements. It can change how you value yourself with life’s ups and downs.

A breakup can make you feel low for weeks–even months afterward. A failed college exam can have a similar effect on your mood and how you see yourself.

An abusive relationship can put a major dent in your self-esteem and make you feel bad about yourself.

Don’t let life bring you down.

It’s time you look up and put yourself first. Who else is going to look out for you?

People who are happy generally have high self-esteem and self-worth. They take greater care of themselves by making better life choices and live fuller lives. They know their own strengths and limitations, and face life’s challenges with resilience.

It’s not selfish to take care of yourself.

Many people struggle with self-worth and self-esteem. The great thing is that you can learn to see yourself in a more positive light with some practice.

Turning it around

Self-compassion is great way to start feeling better about yourself. Start each day by being kind to yourself. Instead of seeing mistakes and flaws, think about yourself the same way as you see your loved ones, and those you value most.

Treat yourself with respect instead of criticizing everything you say and do. Remind yourself every now and again that it’s okay to make mistakes. You’ll soon notice the difference in your attitude.

Take notice of how you are feeling, and own those feelings. You’ll start to feel much more in tune with yourself–and with those around you.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer