Nobody is immune from stress, regardless of age and we all have one thing in common — we react. How we react to stress is different for everyone, but there is a simple way we can all calm:

Through breathing

I see the way stress affects those around me. In my colleagues, my students and my own family and friends. None of us are good at juggling too many things, but many of us do.

I know I do. I take on too much and then I wonder how I’m going to get through it all.

Most of us forget that one of the most powerful tools that you have available is your breath. Breathing happens whether you think about it or not. It’s automatic, like a car engine stuck in gear.

Your breath is vital to keep you alive. Everything in your body is dependent on it. Without breathing, we would die within minutes.

When you are stressed, your breath often gets faster and shallow while your body goes through physical changes to cope with stress. It releases hormones to prepare your body for fight or flight to combat the situation.

Slowing down your breathing is the quickest way to calm down and get your body to go back into “safe mode.”

There are many benefits of doing regular simple breathing exercises to relieve anxiety, emotional overwhelm, panic attacks and improve your sleep.

As a trauma survivor, I have used many types of breathing techniques when I’m feeling overwhelmed or triggered.

I want to share these with you.

Five Finger Breathing

This is something you can easily do anytime and anywhere. I use this all the time and I’ve taught it to my students. Even kindergartners can do it.

Spread out one of your hands so that you have room between your fingers. (A little like reaching the keys on a piano). I usually start from the bottom of my thumb but you can start from your little finger, if that feels more natural.

How it works:

Put your index finger at the base of your thumb then trace your index up the thumb as you breathe in. Hold your breath to the count of 1,2,3 then exhale as you trace your index down the other side of your thumb. Keep breathing in and out as you move your index from your fingers to your little finger.

Star Breathing

This one is similar to the five finger breathing, but instead of tracing your fingers, you trace the shape of a star in the air. You can even do it on a piece of paper if it works better for you.

How it works:

Inhale on each line of your star shape, tracing up with your index. Hold for 1,2,3. Then exhale going down. Repeat as many times as you need to.

Tracing shapes or familiar symbols is repetitive and will slow down your racing thoughts and giving you focus.

Box Breathing (4–4–4–4)

This technique is repetitive and steady, which should help calm those racing thoughts in no time. It’s a great one to try if you simply cannot calm down and your breathing is almost out of control. This works if you stick to the times four rule.

How it works:

Breathe in for four seconds. Hold for four seconds. Breathe out for four seconds. Hold for four seconds. Repeat.

Belly Breathing

This is a technique that requires you to sit down or stand. Choose a space where you feel comfortable and won’t be disturbed for a few minutes.

How it works:

Put one of your hands on your belly and breathe in slowly through your nose. Take notice of how your body feels as your lungs fill with air. Hold to the count of 1,2,3. Then exhale through the mouth.

The 4,7, 8 Breathing Technique

This technique is great for reducing anxiety and panic attacks quickly. It’s helped me several times when I’ve felt this way.

It’s simple and you can do it anywhere and at anytime. I’ve noticed that not many people are even aware when I’m doing it. I’ve done it in meetings, in elevators, the mall, and even in the food market.

How it works:

Inhale to the count of 1,2,3 and 4. Hold your breath for 7 seconds. Then exhale to the count of 8 seconds.

Rainbow Breathing

This technique works best when you either stand up with a straight back. I’ve done this while sitting cross-legged too, but it only works when your back is straight.

How it works:

Imagine that you are drawing an invisible rainbow above your head.

Inhale as you spread both arms out wide and lift them into an arc above your head. Hold to the count of three. Then exhale as you let your arms down slowly into their normal position by your sides.

The Shoulder Drop Technique

This technique is good if you are feeling tense or angry. You can do it anywhere but if you’re conscious of prying eyes, privacy is best.

How it works:

You simply inhale as you lift both shoulders. Hold for a few seconds. The relax your shoulders while you exhale. Repeat as many times as you need and focus on the out breath. With every breath, you will start feeling your body becomes less tense.

A final note:

Being stressed is not a nice feeling, and most of us feel that way every day. There’s just too much going on. By trying out these simple and quick techniques, you will start feeling much better.

I know they all worked for me.

I hope you will start to feel the difference in your body too, as your body regains its equilibrium.

Which one will you try first?

Let me know which one has helped you the most.

Take care

Remember, you matter.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

More from Elizabeth Woods:

• How Do You Manage Stress?
• Are You Feeling Valued?
• Do You Have Humility?

Her teenage girls were packing up their clothes, and I couldn’t help hearing some of their conversation. They talked about how they looked in different outfits and what other kids wore at school.

What do your clothes say about you?

Do you wear smart suits to work, or can you turn up in more relaxed outfits?

What type of clothes do you feel most comfortable wearing?

I have boys, and I don’t have the same clothes conversations with my kids. They wear comfortable clothes that they can play sports in and get dirty. Maybe this is where boys and girls differ the most?

Helping my friend pack up her things made me think about what we value and what we choose to throw away.

The years go by as we change jobs, careers, and have kids. We go through phases of happiness and sadness, and our clothes change with us. I guess fashion has little to do with it as well when trends come and go.

Women change sizes during pregnancy because of the “baby weight.” After the baby is born, it can take months, even years to get back to the pre-kids’ figures, especially if you breastfeed.

I find it interesting to look at what people wear in public and how it differs for those who must wear smart clothes to work. I often wonder what goes through people’s minds when they choose some clothes over others.

You’ve seen the moms wearing athletic gear, pretending they still have the same bodies from years before. Teens wear pants that hang down to their ankles and show their underwear. Other teens walk around with miniskirts and so much make-up; you can’t tell what’s fake or real.

Do we really need to see that much cleavage, or that much skin?

It makes me wonder what goes through their minds. What makes people choose loafers over sneakers, tank tops over T-shirts, or pants over dresses?

Psychology Explains: Your clothing choices function as silent language

Did you know that your clothes really do reveal your personality, values, mood, and social identity to the world?

Yep, it’s true and here’s how it works.

Clothing as self-expression

Did you know that the colors you choose can elevate your mood and enhance your self-confidence?

It’s true that different color hues affect your emotions and feelings including your perception of the world. Bold colors, for example, can make you feel energetic and more assertive whereas softer and muted colors can create a calm and friendly vibe.

What color is your closet mostly made up of? Do you prefer black and grey over pastels, or do you mix it up? Do you wear florals, bold colors, and patterns, or are you more of a plain and simple clothing person? Do you accessorize with bold earrings and jewelry?

Clothes are more than just different materials that look good (or not) when you wear them. They express who you are to the world without words.

Every clothing choice that you make, from style and color to the way they fit your body sends subtle messages about your personality, confidence, and mood. Even the accessories you choose can give people a clue of what you are feeling that day.

I never thought that my clothes mattered that much until I became a mom. Until then I was sporty and wore clothes in which I could exercise. I noticed how new babies got people’s attention and opened conversations with big smiles. It made me want to look nice too.

I’m sure you’ve had many events and occasions where you wanted to make a good impression on the world. Wearing nice clothes can brighten up your day.

Style and Personality Types

There are many different types of dressers that say different things about your personality.

The classic Dresser

This is someone who wears tailored suits and neutral grounded colors. This style shows a practical and reliable person who has a structure and methodical life.

The Bold and Eclectic Dresser

This is the person who wears bright colors, big patterns, and unconventional combinations. This type of dresser reflects a creative individual who wants to stand out.

The Minimalist Dresser

This is the simple and functional dresser who prefers muted and grounded tones, with a focus on toned down elegance.

The Bohemian or Free-Spirited Dresser

This is a relaxed and open individual who chooses to dress in loose, flowing garments and eclectic accessories. They are often open and unique personality types.

Social Perception

Research has proven that people form impressions of people within seconds based on the clothes you wear. Clothes that fit your body shape well, can make you seem more confident, successful, and competent. Even if the person who notices you knows nothing about you, your clothes carry a vibe.

The way you dress can also influence how other people become aware of your social status, attention to detail, and personality. This makes clothing a powerful tool for non-verbal communication.

Imagine if you are giving a speech at a conference about a topic that you know well but you’ve never spoken to a room of hundreds of people before. The way you dress can help you with your confidence and get people to listen.

Mood and Psychological Impact

Your closet can affect your own emotions and behavior too. Wearing comfortable clothes is great to give you a sense of security, while dressing smartly can boost confidence and influence how you socialize with others.

The way you dress reflects subconscious desires, mood, or the image you want to give those around you.

If you have a big presentation at work, think about what you’re wearing and what message it conveys to your audience. You don’t want your boss to ogle your cleavage for the entire meeting!

Takeaway

When you understand what your clothes communicate to others, you can make intentional choices that work with your personality and goals. Whether you want to express creativity, professionalism, or comfort, your closet can serve as a visual narrative of your identity, which shapes your self-image and how others perceive you.

I looked at my own closet when I got home, and my clothes said a lot about the person that I am. Like my positive and happy personality, I wear colors, floral, dresses, and pants. I don’t worry about what I wear because I buy my clothes for comfort and to make me feel good about myself. I wear smart clothes at work and more comfortable clothes when I get home.

I wasn’t always this person. When I was younger, my clothes hung on me like a burlap sack. I dressed that way so that people couldn’t see my female shape so they would leave me alone. I also wore mostly dark colors that didn’t stand out.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

• Mental Health Matters
• What Do You Overcome Every Day?
• What is Your Inspiration?
• How Do You Manage Your Stress Levels?

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

You Can’t Run Away From Your Own Head

Human beings are like an iceberg. We go through life sharing only the pieces of ourselves that we want people to see. But there’s so much more going on inside.

Isaac Newton’s third law states that: “for every action (force) in nature there is an equal and opposite reaction.” I think that this “law of motion” can be applied to human beings too.

Think about it.

For everything we say, think, or do, there is a corresponding reaction. In terms of Stress on the body, this is true. When something traumatic happens to us or to someone near us, we react to defend ourselves.

It’s a defense mechanism to protect us from harm.

In victims of traumatic stress, there is a physiological change that happens inside our bodies.

I described the five F’s of behavior in response to traumatic events in my last two articles. Today, I want to explain what those behaviors are like in real life.

There’s always going to be a difference between academic study of trauma and for those who live with PTSD or Complex-PTSD every single day.

I fall under the second category, and I can help other survivors because I have lived with Complex PTSD for most of my life.

It’s far from easy, but as time goes by, things have gotten easier.

I often feel like I have an anchor holding me back on a bad day or night. I want to keep going, ignore whatever’s eating me, but I can’t.

Sometimes, you have to face what’s eating you, and it usually means to stop whatever it is you’re doing and listen to your body.

The world keeps spinning whether you want it to or not when you’re struggling. It’s worth having a few coping techniques stowed away for a trigger day.

I have these triggers all the time, but even my closest colleagues have no idea that I’m falling apart some days.

I’ve gotten very good at hiding how I really feel.

Living with Traumatic Stress

Traumatic events change the way you look at yourself and the world. Your brain can go into overdrive, and it can make you hyper-aware of everything around you.

This can cause some big changes in your behavior.

Living with trauma can feel like your world has been ripped away from under your feet. Nothing feels the same anymore, and you are plunged into a world of constant fear, anxiety, and overwhelming situations.

Living with trauma can feel like a constant battle to function. Some days, it’s hard to get out of bed. Taking a shower and eating can become a huge battle because self-care is the last thing on your mind.

It’s hard to face your friends and go out when the stress from trauma is clouding your thoughts and motivation.

Holding down a job can become impossible when constant nightmares and trauma memories happen, destroying your focus and memory.

Imagine if you had an epic nightmare of being murdered or tortured. Your brain is reliving parts of your past, which is showing a 4D movie without a pause button.

How could you function at work the next day?

Imagine a friend is waving a knife around while talking animatedly over a kid’s birthday cake. It’s an exciting event with kids running around the room and adults having fun talking to each other, but you’re frozen staring at that knife as the room dulls. The voices disappear, and you’re pulled back in time to a trauma memory, hijacked by your own brain.

As you come out of the flashback, it’s hard not to react without causing a scene.

You can suffer from brain fog, mood swings, and find change difficult.

Some days, you want to conquer everything all at once, and you feel fantastic, like the bad days never existed.

It’s confusing, right? It’s no wonder people call trauma survivors mentally ill, but it’s far from the truth. Trauma survivors have been hurt in the most profound way, and that hurt has to come out eventually.

Some survivors can flip between hyper-vigilance and dissociation in a few minutes. Imagine living like that every single day?

Everyone reacts differently to traumatic events because of life experience, resilience, and if you have a support system or not.

It’s important to understand that everyone’s healing journey is different. Some survivors heal quickly, but others can struggle all their lives.

Behaviors Caused by Traumatic Stress

Feeling on edge and scanning your surroundings for threats and danger.

Irritability, anger and withdrawing from people.

Avoiding situations that are too painful because they trigger memories.

Feeling worthless, ashamed and distorting our opinions of ourselves and others.

Social situations and cues can feel fragmented and cause problems in forming and keeping friendships.

Anxiety and vulnerability

Depression

Mixed emotions that lead to confusion in situations.

Trust issues because of the fear of being exposed to more pain.

What Help is Available for Trauma survivors?

Therapy — Seeing a therapist can help you find the tools to handle triggers and take control back through coping mechanisms.

Support network — Having a strong network of friends around you.

Self-care – is important to live a healthy life. Things like exercising, mindfulness, relaxation and yoga, and doing a hobby can do wonders to reduce your stress levels.

Medication — Can be helpful for people who are struggling to sleep and those who suffer from anxiety.

Education — Learning about Trauma and how it can affect you enables you to take charge of your healing journey.

Change — Be willing to heal the root cause of your trauma to move forward in your life.

Living with trauma affects every aspect of your life. You’re hurting in the most profound way, and you can’t ignore it forever. It’s time you put yourself first.

I did.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

I know because I’m living this life. A life after enduring more than a human being should be able to survive.

The five F’s of Trauma Reactions

(No, I’m not writing about the swear word here.)

When a person is exposed to trauma through either threats or dangerous situations, the body releases stress hormones that make physiological changes to protect us.

These changes keep us alert so that we can react to a traumatic situation.

Yesterday, I wrote about the fight/flight and freeze states because those are the three most common ways of responding to traumatic events. I touched on emotional shutdown, too, but I didn’t label it.

We’ve all seen the anger, the inconsolable sadness, and the shutdown in people. These behaviors are sadly part of our everyday lives. I see it in the food market, the mall, the park, and in school.

Trauma is part of our community, our towns and cities, and our world, whether we like it or not. Many of us are still suffering from events that happened years ago, like Hurricane Katrina, and more recently, Helene.

When you are in danger, your body chooses how you react in the moment to keep you alive. It’s instinctive like a survival mechanism.

Do you choose fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop when you face danger?

A quick recap on the three F’s from yesterday’s article:

Fight State is when you choose to confront whatever is happening to you or around you.

Flight State — Is when you choose to escape to run away from the threat or situation.

Freeze State — Is when you feel paralyzed / frozen and unable to respond in any way.

The Fawn and Flop Reactions to Traumatic Events

There are two more ways that a person can react in response to traumatic events. They are Fawn and Flop states.

The Fawn State is when a person submits to the danger. They become people-pleasing and appeasing their abusers to the detriment of their own needs.

Some traits of fawning include:

• Neglecting your personal needs and boundaries
• Complimenting excessively, even if it is not authentic
• Can’t say “no” and grants every wish and demand of others.
• Being a people pleaser
• Having no sense of personal identity
• Hypervigilance and awareness of others moods and emotions
• Neglecting or not knowing your own emotions and feelings
• Turns to others to know how the feel or “should” feel
• Makes themselves a servant to others like being as helpful and useful as possible
• Feeling guilty when not being helpful

The Flop State — This is the state that not many professionals have heard of. I know it well because I used this response when I was very young and I still remember it decades later because of how I felt.

The flop state is the most extreme reaction to traumatic events. It can happen because you are being violently attacked like a child being physically or sexually abused. It can also happen to torture victims when the pain is so severe that you “tune out.”

The Flop state is an involuntary, instinctual reaction to overwhelming terror where the body shuts down, causing physical collapse, fainting, or total mental unresponsiveness.

Some traits of the Flop state include:

Total body collapse

Playing Dead

Mental and physical unawareness — when the traumatized person dissociates and becomes disengaged, disoriented, and emotionally turned off.

Loss of body control — You’re intensely scared and lose control of your bodily functions.

So, what happens inside the brain to cause these physiological reactions to a person?

The role of Cortisol

There’s so much more that happens inside a trauma brain to cause the Fight / Flight/ Freeze / Fawn and Flop states.

When an individual is traumatized, and I mean scared to death, we produce a stress hormone called, Cortisol.

Cortisol is a steroid hormone(nicknamed the stress hormone) that is produced in the adrenal glands just above the kidneys. The function of Cortisol is to regulate stress in our bodies, but it has other jobs too.

Cortisol regulates how your body uses Glucose (sugar) for energy. It regulates your blood pressure and reduces inflammation in the body. Cortisol also helps control your sleep and wake rhythm.

The human body needs Cortisol to regulate and keep us going.

Increased Cortisol Levels wreak havoc in the brain and body

When our Cortisol levels are either too high or too low, we start to feel unwell.

High levels of Cortisol can develop into high blood pressure, high blood sugar, and make us gain weight around the stomach and face. We can also notice muscle weakness in our arms and legs.

Low levels of Cortisol can cause extreme fatigue, weight loss and no appetite as well as low blood pressure.

Increased levels of Cortisol is fine for short periods to get our bodies ready for action, but in a trauma brain, Cortisol levels stay high. This is because your body releases more Cortisol as a response to stress in harmful situations:

Acute Stress — Short-term stress, like an accident.

Chronic Stress — Long-term stress from a demanding job, dysfunctional family life, living in poverty, and having a chronic illness.

Traumatic Stress — Situations that are exceptionally threatening, dangerous and sometimes catastrophic.

Delving Deeper into Traumatic Stress

Traumatic stress is what causes high levels of Cortisol in the body, and because this type of stress doesn’t go away, the body keeps producing the hormone.

Traumatic Stress comes from:

Direct exposure to a horrific situation or event like abuse or torture.

Witnessing people or someone being abused or tortured.

Indirect exposure — Learning of a loved one being abused or tortured.

Occupation — Professions like serving in the Navy / Army / Coast Guard, Police and fire fighters seeing or being assaulted in war and conflicts. Doctors and body guards handling crisis situations.

Seeing a traumatic event on social media like YouTube doesn’t cause the type of stress I’m describing, unless a person works in these situations.

Living with Chronic stress can have a big impact on your life through your overall health, your sleep patterns and your mood.

What can you do to reduce your Cortisol levels if you have been exposed to traumatic stress?

The first and best way to reduce Cortisol is to get good sleep. I mean quality sleep without nightmares and waking up every five minutes. That’s not easy for someone who is affected by traumatic stress.

Exercising and moving your body is another way to remove Cortisol or any excess hormones from the body.

Breath work through deep breathing and yoga can greatly help someone who is feeling stressed.

Socialize with friends and family who make you feel good. Go out and enjoy yourself and laugh deep belly laughs.

Distance yourself from those who don’t make you happy.

I’ve lived through trauma and come out the other side. This is what it feels like to live with trauma for years and sometimes decades after the events. Now, you will recognize these traits and behaviors in your world.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

This post looks back at the recent US Holiday, “Mothers Day”, and the challenges it creates for survivors of trauma with a mother wound.

How are you feeling today?

Do you have a complex relationship with today being Mother’s Day?

I know I do, and I thought I’d write this piece for those of you who feel the same. Those of you who didn’t have loving mothers.

Not all mother’s deserve to be celebrated on this day.

I wish I could say that I had a good mother, but the truth is I didn’t.

My mother told me repeatedly that I was unwanted and she wished I had died when I was born.

There was a mother in the hospital bed next to hers, who gave birth to twins too early. Both boys didn’t make it. My mother wished I had died with them since I was born early too.

But I survived.

She offered to take me to their gravestone several times. To show me what should have happened to me too.

To be profoundly unwanted leaves a mark like no other. It’s imprinted in my soul.

I cannot celebrate a mother who wished me dead.

I’ve spent all my life getting away from my parents because they both hurt me in the most profound way through physical and emotional abuse and neglect.

Not only did my mother not want me, but she openly encouraged my so-called father to do the things he did to me. My mother knew, and yet she handed me to him. Gave her permission for him to hurt me.

A mother who hands her only daughter to a sex-offender doesn’t deserve to be celebrated.

When I told her what my so-called father did to me with his pedophile friends — she laughed in my face. She called me a liar with a vivid imagination. That it was my fault.

That is unforgivable.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

My so-called father and his pedophile friends raped and killed a ten-year old girl next to me. I was only eight when it happened.

A week later, I witnessed a twenty-seven year old woman be raped and drowned.

I told my mother, but she wouldn’t listen.

I cannot celebrate a mother who covers up murderers.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

I was bullied throughout school because we moved away from the south but my accent wouldn’t change. I didn’t belong, and the kids showed me how much they hated me every day.

I was punched, kicked and my clothes were scorched while I was still wearing them. My burns got infected, but mother would not take me to the doctor. We had no insurance, so I was left to suffer.

A mother who allows her daughter to be bullied and physically hurt doesn’t deserve to be called a mother.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

When I miscarried my father’s secrets, my mother refused to get me help. I’m lucky to be alive today, after suffering the pain of three miscarriages without medical help.

My mother let me suffer the pain and the shame without any help. She turned away when I needed her the most.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

She wanted me gone from her house, to have her new husband and baby son to herself. I was too young to work and I had no other choice but to stay.

A mother who rejects her child is not a mother.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

When I was eighteen the law stated that I was no longer a minor. My childhood prison was lifted and I left them and everything I’d ever known.

I’ve never looked back.

I started my life again in a new place.

A new home.

I went to the cops and told my story. The sex-factories. The pedophile ring — everything I saw and suffered. The cops listened. They made lengthy records and tapes. They got my hospital records. My childhood years pried wide open. In the end it’s my word against them.

The police advised against going to court. Who will believe my voice?

I told my mother what I had done. She refused to believe me despite everything.

I cannot celebrate a mother who doesn’t believe the truth.

I cannot celebrate a mother like that today.

I studied at college and became a teacher. My writing was still something I kept to myself. I met somebody special.

I married him and we had children.

I never thought my body could produce one child, let alone two healthy babies. I see them as the most precious gift that I was given.

I am a mother who give my children everything I can.

I love them both deeply and I remind them of that every single day.

I talk to them about their lives, about school and their struggles. I help them with homework and problems. We figure it out together as a family.

Today is mother’s day.

I can celebrate myself as a mother with my family.

I can celebrate me.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

Photo by Dmitry Shulga on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

More from Elizabeth Woods:

• The Sex-Offender’s Daughter
• Trauma and its Effect on the Brain
• Continued: Trauma and its Effect on the Brain
• This is How IT Feels

As a trauma survivor, I started questioning why I am the way I am in certain situations. I have noticed all my life that most people around me do not react as vividly to situations as I do. I often wondered why I was so sensitive to situations.

Have you ever felt the same? Do you feel that you notice stressful things quicker than others?

I decided to act on my curiosity and started reading about trauma and the brain. I came across several books, expert scientists, and psychiatrists in the field who talked about trauma, and the effect stress has on the brain.

The more I found out, the more I wanted to read, and I thought I would share some of what I discovered. As a trauma survivor, my brain is different from a person who has not suffered trauma. Reading about how my brain is different has helped me understand myself on a deeper level.

Maybe my research can help you too?

So, what is Trauma?

Trauma is when a person experiences a distressing event or series of events, such as abuse, a bad accident, rape or other sexual violence, army combat or even a natural disaster.

Trauma can be either physical, emotional, or both. Trauma causes dysregulation within the autonomic nervous system in the brain. It makes the sympathetic nervous system in the brain over-activated, causing the traumatized person to go into what is called a “fight/flight” response.

This response of fight/flight means that your body tenses up, and gets ready to react in times of stress.

Trauma also causes the parasympathetic part of our brains, the part that is responsible for our ability to rest and relax after a traumatic event, to become underactive. Our bodies go into a hypervigilance state and the inability to feel comfortable and relaxed.

This in turn leads to PTSD or CPTSD.

For people who develop CPTSD, trauma can most often be both physical and emotional because of the nature of how abuse happens. Often a survivor has been experiencing trauma for a prolonged time, even years.

A CPTSD brain

A survivor of child sexual abuse has unprocessed memories that are highly emotionally charged and easily triggered.

A survivor often thinks about and tries to interpret and make sense of their traumatic memories.

A survivor has different cognitive and behavioral responses to normal life events and these include avoidance of certain situations and strategies to keep safe in any eventuality.

A survivor suffers from flashbacks rather than “memories”.

A flashback is an intense, vivid, and often disturbing recollection of the abuse. A person relives the abuse as if the memory is happening right here and now.

Flashbacks are often fragmentary, sensory, and unchanging in vivid detail. I know this because I developed CPTSD after my traumatic childhood, and I have lived with flashbacks all my adult life.

It is stressful to live with constant flashbacks because not only does it feel like it is happening now, but a flash happens involuntarily. It suddenly hits you like a bucket of ice water, and you might be in a board meeting with your boss!

It is never a pleasant experience no matter where you are, or who you are with. It is even worse when you are alone.

Memories vs Trauma Memories

A normal memory in a normal brain is time-stamped in a part of our brain called the Hippocampus. This is where all of our long-term memories are stored. They are accessible to our conscious recall, and they can be reconstructed.

We know this memory is from the past, and we can summon it and talk about it with anyone. For example: “Remember when we had ice cream on the beach, and then it started to rain hailstones as big as golf balls?” We instantly return to that memory and can share it openly with others.

A trauma memory is caused by extreme stress. This is also stored in the Hippocampus like a normal memory, but the difference is that the Hippocampus cannot properly process the traumatic memory and store it away.

This memory is not date-stamped, and a different part of our sensory brain, called the amygdala, takes over the function of processing these traumatic memories.

The amygdala, part of our brain, is only supposed to sort out our responses to senses like sound, sight, touch, taste, and smell. It is not able to deal with the full nature of the trauma memory. It becomes overactive under the conditions of extreme stress from our traumatic experiences.

The trauma memory becomes vividly detailed, and easily triggered. I often think of a trauma brain as a bookshelf. A bookshelf that has been stacked improperly is like a CPTSD brain. When someone brushes past the books sticking out, a memory gets triggered, and the books (memories) come tumbling out of the shelves.

Sometimes a person is flooded with senses without explanation, other times its just meaningless fragments, and sometimes the entire shelf falls, and we get soaked by the waterfall of vivid memories as the books tumble out noisily.

The next time a trigger happens the books (memories) fall more and more aggressively. The only way to stop the books (memories) from tumbling down is to have a good tidy. These traumatic memories need a gentle examination by the conscious brain, processing them in a safe environment and storing them back safely in the correct part of the brain.

The Survival mode brain — Fight / Flight

When your trauma memories have reached the Amygdala for processing rather than in the correct part of the brain, which is the Hippocampus, you start to live in survival mode.

It feels like living constantly in the “on” position of a switch ,and you just cannot turn “off”. You are feeling very reactive to the world. You are defensive about everything and sometimes even aggressive about the things you care about.

In this state, you avoid certain situations, and you often feel unable to trust the people around you. In this state, you are stuck, and you feel powerless to the extreme changes in how your body reacts to stress.

Some survivors switch from being hyper-aroused (jittery and switched on) to hypo-aroused (numb and withdrawn).

The Everyday CPTSD brain

Survivors of trauma, like me, often tend to over-focus on perceived threats, and this can make it hard to directly focus on everyday things. A sudden loud noise outside the office can make anyone feel annoyed, but to a trauma survivor, it can feel like a threat. That threat, no matter if it is real or not causes the CPTSD brain to react in a fight/flight way, tensing the body.

This problem is linked to reduced connectivity in the brain’s attention system, called the Ventral and Dorsal networks. How these are performed is linked to our trauma experiences in early life.

The Ventral system is responsible for our involuntary attention. The Dorsal system is our voluntary attention. Oxytocin is a hormone called a neurotransmitter,;produced in the hypothalamus part of the brain. This hormone helps to regulate and improve our ability to bond with other people.

When a survivor is stuck in a fight/flight state for a very long time, it makes the body have lots of energy from being hyper-alert. The body is in need of being downregulated, or calming down the nervous system.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, recognize how your heart is beating.

Is your pulse racing after that flashback?

Take a beat and give yourself time. You need to take it slow, and take care of yourself. Go grab that coffee you’ve been postponing for the last two hours. Hold that warm cup in your hand and let it ground you to the moment. You’ve got this!

The “Freeze state”

Sometimes the trauma causes so much pain and stress that you react by freezing. This is especially true after being sexually abused. Your body becomes immobile.

It feels like being in deep despair, and you feel totally helpless in that moment. You can’t move, or talk and your whole body freezes. Your brain may be physically and mentally unresponsive, and you might faint.

You suffer what is called a psychological shutdown. The body remembers the trauma, and it stores the stress in the muscles all-round the body, which becomes trapped and unable to dissipate. Years later when you flashback to a particularly traumatic event, especially sexual, you re-live this freeze state.

When you come out of this state and return to the present you will feel unwell. You may even be physically sick. I often remember being sick after being abused as a child, and falling asleep in my own vomit.

I can only compare this feeling to coming out of anesthesia after an operation. It needs to be done gradually.

Suffering any kind of shutdown is terrifying, and this is when you need to give yourself time. Time to be compassionate with yourself is important. Let someone take care of you if you have a friend nearby. If anything, they will probably be worried about you.

When this has happened to me, I first do an internal body check. Yes, I’m still me, my heart is beating, and I can see, hear, touch, and feel things. I like to have lots of air and quiet space, so I go outside and breathe. I like to ground myself to the now and let my body adjust back to the fact that I am safe in the present moment. I remind myself of my name, the year, and how old I am. I finish by thinking about where I am and what has happened in my day so far, and where to go next.

The ritual really works for me.

Why don’t you try it out and let me know if it works for you too?

Do you have a “safe place” where you can escape for a few minutes and take a beat? Somewhere you feel calm and happy? This is where you need to be after a tricky day. Take care of yourself because you matter.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

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Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

I’ve been lucky to come across a free 90-minute Webinar with Dr. Gabor Mate, and have been consuming it for the past three days. Dr. Gabor Mate has launched a new program on how to heal from trauma through go.mentorshow.com. It’s a program for trauma survivors, and I recommend that you check it out if you are struggling with any trauma.

Dr. Gabor Mate asks: What do you feel?

Anger

Sad

Fear

Shame

Happy

Dr. Gabor Mate says that you can feel all kinds of emotions, but there could be trauma lurking behind them as well.

You will know if this is you because you feel it. Trauma is your response to what happened to you, whether from experiences such as child abuse, domestic violence, divorce, an accident, a war zone, or the loss of a loved one.

Trauma is everywhere in our society right now: we know this because we are living with it. You can’t help but encounter something distressing in the world or at home, because it is everywhere on social media and in the news. It is constantly reported, with photos and video coverage — happening in 3D whether you choose to ignore it or not.

The way you respond to traumatic events is your personal trauma. It’s what you feel inside your body, mind, and heart.

I agree with Dr. Gabor Mate. Many of us trauma survivors manage our daily lives by wearing masks to cover up our emotions. And the majority of us are awesome at doing it. In fact, we are so great at wearing our masks that we suppress what we really feel.

Think about it…

How often have you said yes to something that you don’t want to do? 

How many times have you stuck your neck out for someone who went against your personal desires? Like giving them a ride in the opposite direction of where you needed to be, making yourself late in the process.

How often do you put others before yourself? 

Do you ever put yourself first?

I’ve done it, and I’m still doing it after years of therapy. I know better, and yet I’m still doing it.

There comes a point when you’ve got to take charge of your own healing together with a therapist’s support. This is where I’m at now, and I’ve been doing so for some years.

You can heal from your trauma, too. Check out Dr. Gabor Mate’s latest program on go.mentorshow.com

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Anxiety is the emotion that people feel involving tension, fear, and worry in response to a threat or a perceived threat. Anxiety triggers a stress reaction in the body, which manifests in several physical ways. For example:

• Increased heart rate
• Faster breathing
• Sweating
• Irritated
• Tense muscles
• Concentration
• Problems sleeping

Anxiety can happen to anybody. We just don’t talk about it–but maybe we should. Maybe it’s time that we start talking about how we feel, because I can guarantee that most people you know have suffered from anxiety at some point this year. Anxiety doesn’t just happen when we are afraid. Daily life is full of situations that could go wrong. This includes:

• Important events or decisions–You worry about a change at work which will affect you and your team.
• Public speaking–You worry about a presentation that you are about to give to a global audience via Zoom.
• Social situations–You dread going to the office Christmas party. 

Anxiety is common in our society but it’s not disussed nearly enough. People are left to suffer when there are simple strategies that can help.

Strategies to Reduce Anxiety

Self care

Relaxation techniques

Exercise

Getting enough sleep

Reduce caffeine intake and other stimulants–such as sugary drinks

Talking to a friend about how you feel

Therapy

If your anxiety is severe, it might be a good idea to find a skilled therapist who can help you with targeted strategies.

Medications

Your doctor can prescribe medicines to relieve your symptoms.

Preventing Anxiety from happening

Don’t tell yourself not to worry. The act of worrying is a response to the situations.

1. Try out a meditation app like “Calm.” Meditation can help when you constantly think about your situation by helping you focus your mind elsewhere. This can work on communication, too. Instead of zoning out of conversations, you tune back in to what the person is telling you. What did they say?
2. Don’t let negative thoughts settle in your head. Instead, wash them away and let them go. Imagine a river and watch your thoughts leave, or you could put your hands under the faucet and let the water sluice over your hands as your thoughts vanish between your fingers. Write those negative thoughts down.
3. Write a list of the best/worst-case scenarios.
4. Exercise.
5. Practice mindfulness.
6. Relaxation/yoga.
7. Listen to music.
8. Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a week?”
9. Maintain a balanced diet.
10. Ask yourself: “What if?”

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

 Photo credit: unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

Who listens to children? Who hears them and acts on the truth in a helpful way? Who chooses to walk away?

The truth is, not many adults act when they should, and the cost to abused children is too much. They are ignored by those who have the power to help, and they carry on being abused.

I was the child who was ignored despite my pleas for help. I wasn’t just ignored by my bio-family, but teachers and doctors too.

All child abuse survivors have felt this betrayal by those who hurt them and failed to take care of their basic needs. They don’t need further betrayal from those who could help — yet, they are.

That deep betrayal lives in me and in all other child abuse survivors.

Survivors’ experiences are different, but there is one thing that we all feel, and that is loneliness.

Abuse and trauma within a family almost always comes with deep-seated betrayal of trust, neglect, abandonment, and lies.

Survivors feel alone in the world, and that burden is like a choking desolation.

Nobody wants us, and no one around us knows or wants to know what is happening, even if we tell or act it out. ( I tried) That truth is crushing for a young child.

Imagine never having a loving parent tucking you in at night when you might be scared of the dark.

An abused child is deeply traumatized by the dark and agonizes about it every day because when that darkness arrives, so does the pain.

The Importance of Role-Models

Children growing up need role models to help them make sense of the world. Role models give children an idol, someone to count on and guide them through life’s ups and downs.

A child growing up in a loving family will learn to love and treat others.

If a child has never had a positive role model, they will grow up to be at a disadvantage in many developmental milestones, especially social skills.

If your parents never hugged you, how can you know what a hug feels like?

If your parents never talked to you, how can you develop speech patterns and convey meaning in language?

An abused child misses out on so much.

Teachers are great role models and open up a world of education and experiences that these children cannot get from home. School trips are fun, and classrooms come alive in color and models during those early Pre-K to elementary years.

Where else can you be better submerged in a community aside from an elementary school?

Kids are great role models and can show their peers what to do. We learn a lot from one another.

I realized that I could have more freedom when I disappeared.

The media and TV have an abundance of role models as well. We are immersed in the internet and social media culture, and everything trickles down to our kids.

Not all children are lucky to have access to the internet and media at home, but they will get exposure in school.

Music and videos are playing in malls, on billboards, and in advertisements all around us. We cannot help knowing what is happening because information is everywhere in the suburban world.

I realized that I could have more freedom when I disappeared from my bio-family.

As soon as I could get away, I would be out on the streets looking for role models who might want me. At that time, I was completely vulnerable. I met a lot of different people on the streets, but I was smart too and learned to watch my six and not trust adults.

I never found a magic family that wanted to adopt me. Instead, I got taken back to my house every single time I stayed out too long.

As an adolescent from an abusive home, I was the perfect target for drug dealers. I had already seen what drugs and alcohol did to people and wanted no part of that life.

Many adolescent abuse survivors turn to drugs and alcohol to fit in and get an escape from reality.

I preferred to stay hungry rather than break the law. I needed to get away permanently from my bio-family, not be thrown into jail.

Seeking comfort in strangers

I chose my role models based on the person I saw myself becoming one day.

I saw how the young lady always smiled at her customers at the food market, and how it affected her sales.

Grumpy Gus selling potatoes in monosyllabic grunts never attracted customers to linger and talk.

These people helped me decide who I wanted to be. I took notice of people and picked the attributes that I liked.

Those role models helped me put together my identity because I refused to be like the people who hurt me.

The need for role models doesn’t stop in childhood. It follows you throughout life.

You want to be around family during the holidays. I spent them alone.

You want your family at your wedding and college graduation. (I had none, and I felt it)

When you find out you are expecting a baby, it’s scary and brings up tons of stuff. You want to ask your parents about it. (I couldn’t)

There are many moments in life when you want your family to stand behind you. A survivor simply doesn’t have that bond with family, and it hurts. 

This article has given you an insight into what it is like to grow up as an abused child. The importance of role models follows survivors into adulthood and beyond.

Most of the time, survivors need hope and love. Hope that not everyone in this world is a monster, and that we are worthy of being loved.

This is the world we need to show kids. A world that is wonderful and exciting. A world where everyone matters because we do. We matter, and we all have a voice.

Nobody should be ignored and alone. 

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support your fellow writer:

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer