As I was informed my mum was a product of her father and he was a product of his. The theme of ‘violence’ was common. Who knows what influence social environmental factors and DNA / genetics played in any predisposition to such traumatic events for me in those first thousand (or 1460 days) age 0 to 4 (1971-1975). Intergenerational trauma affects individuals, communities and cultures, it does not discriminate and it is not exclusive. Regardless ‘Jack’ had indeed been there waiting and then when the predicted moment’s arrived the seeping, oozing and spilling out of varying levels of pain, anguish and trauma led me and my brain down an unknown terrifying path which left me wondering ‘how did this happen?’ and ‘why was I repeating some of this stuff?’.

There was no help, education, direction as a child and adulthood change was slow. Blame, shame, guilt, and periods of remorse and hurt were the reality. I was on my own working this out in my early adult years.

As my childhood played itself out I can point to certain adversity’s in this time period and also link behaviours/emotions to differing forms of trauma be it as a child or adult. The Adverse Childhood Experience Study (1994) now depicts ten adverse factors, originally this was seven. This important study and scale questionnaire act as a useful estimation of the impact of trauma and adversity has had upon a child but also where resilience can enact its part in helping one ‘bounce back’, protect and deal with further adversity in a different, healthier manner the next time. I have commented on the questionnaire scale aspect of this study previously in the ‘Jack in the Box’ series. The reasoning for the ten specified adversity areas on the left of the chart and other types of adversity/trauma missing is explained within the following link https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/. What I can say briefly from the chart is that I scored 4 or more. The weblink also details the potential meaning behind a scoring outcome.

In terms of differing and contributing forms of trauma, I have grown up with ‘Complex Relational Trauma’ (close relationships, imbalance of power) and ‘Vicarious Trauma’ (also known as Compassion Fatigue, Secondary Trauma) that have influenced the accumulation of trauma over time. Major Depression and CPTSD’s close alley Borderline Personality Disorder have since been diagnosed. This became a complicated mix and very toxic. Since Part 2, I have built my knowledge not just about resilience which I referred to in Part 1 and 2 but also Post-Traumatic or Psychological Growth. Although there is much debate on the differences it would appear that we attain resilience first followed by Post-Traumatic Growth. I do tend to agree with that argument and processing if the former can be established.

‘Surviving’ and ‘Warrior-like’ are keywords. I never saw myself as one until after the ‘hurricane’ hit in 2017. I was truly blown away and smashed up. Childhood trauma’s met and clashed with adulthood trauma’s (be it all connected). I had overcome them all historically be it unwelcomed, painful, damaging and often repeats of behaviours experienced before. The accumulative trauma over many years with a final 12 round Rocky Balboa boxing match took its toll on the body and mind. I got up…and up…and up, but then one final knockout blow meant I was not getting up in the ten-second count that followed. Only a warrior or survivor could have got as far as I did. In a strange way, I am proud of that. There are many warriors out there.

Readers of ‘Jack in the Box’ Part one and Part two may also have questioned the use of PTSD and that it was something more in line with one its relations. Those people would have been correct. The diagnosis of Complex-PTSD, was a relief as was Cluster B symptoms relating to Borderline Personality. It formed critical information on such mental health condition’s which gave an explanation as well as helped me understand and learn from. The sleep concerns also fitted into that influential learning. ‘Joining up the dots’ as I call it has taken over two years thus far to patch a fragmented story together. It remains limited from the early years due to no memory but I am building a ‘memory palace’ to help me fathom it out and form a picture. Implicit memory 0-3 years approx. and explicit memory from age 3 years onwards makes total sense as well. The trauma/adversity at age 4 years old I can vaguely recollect. At 22 months old nothing. Both implicit memory and dissociation played their parts. There are still people and written records from 1973 that remain with answers. The recent hurricane is gone (although its a memory that will stick) and was significantly central as a trigger which shook my world. It was the final straw ‘the straw that broke the camels back’. I was wounded like never before.

Ill health, challenging therapeutic interventions, a complex medication regime, history digging, and soul searching far more than any previous fall is how it progressed and still does. The presence of the constant rainbow and a specialist care team has slowly moved me forward. C-PTSD is something you have to ‘manage’ the symptoms of, it’s a life long journey. Saying I am ‘not my old self yet’ is simply not possible. With accumulative trauma, you are constantly battling, evolving, learning and changing. Decisions and actions you once took and repeated over time you learn eventually to do something else less harmful. The danger is always lurking – risk-taking thresholds are high, flashbacks occur, you dissociate, memory can be poor, and you feel fatigued and often exhausted. When learning occurs and a new behaviour has been put in place (something DBT helps with) the theory is the brain reorganizes this in line with the significant insight, actions and change – a fraction of the brain, therefore, can be re-wired. You can also grow as depicted in theories relating to resilience and post-traumatic growth, however, it is a long challenging road, not all recover, not all make it. There are no guarantees. One day at a time. We all move at our own paces. Setbacks are frequent. What you once did without thinking and did well you can no longer at that pace, accuracy and influence. In fact, some familiar things scare the hell out of you. Loss and grief are part of this condition and with that lays anger. Isolation is also common and being alone, reading, listening to music, staring out to sea by oneself is for you a way of regaining balance and calmness. People often struggle to understand this.

In Part 2 of Jack in the Box I discussed the nightmares as a child and the transference of trauma onto an animal, a wolf in my instance. These were frightening and were a secret for years. I carried on the secrecy as that seemed to be the trend in my family – secrets were better for children. Knowing and talking about events/incidents was harmful. A well-established myth now. Openness and transparency are key. I can safely say this as a bitter truth as one still working things out from the 1970s. The ‘inner child’ hurt, sad, angry, alone and lost. Talking and meeting that inner child as an adult is important. The child needs to heal and be heard and understood. The child wants answers…why did these things happen to him? Why was the pain there for so long? Why did no one help or listen? Meeting that child and saying this is how I am going to ‘protect’ or keep you ‘safe’ is what they want to hear.

I have made peace with the wolf from my nightmares for it was not the wolf that brought me trauma and pain it was humans and organisations. The lone wolf for me is symbolic of violence (be it seen or the victim), fear, shyness, insecurities, pent up emotions and unable to express what I want to say or not understanding what was going on. Also pushing back towards people but being overpowered. Facing a challenge in life, excluded, afraid to speak up in case of a scary reaction, but also capable of surviving terrible conditions. I was 22 months old. So much on little shoulders and it did not stop there…

In drawing to a close Part 3 I entitled it ‘an ongoing conclusion’ as that is pretty much what it is, why? I still don’t know many things due to dissociation, no memory of certain events when very young and limited information. Time will tell if I get to know of events between 1973 and 1975. Accessing memories? Is that possible when something occurred at age 22 months? Is it worth it? Maybe all we can form is a picture from the information sources we can access still to get anything close to what happened and to look back at the accumulative traumas. That is where many answers lay in our behaviours – attachment disorder being one which appears in relationships.

Managing the symptoms and healing are of key importance and as previously noted not everyone is a size 7 shoe. Pragmatism and Eclecticism are key in my opinion. What works for one might have no impact on another. EMDR and DBT are two interventions well known and highly thought of as well as CBT and Psychotherapy. The reality is that there many choices and are subsequently becoming more varied. A combination of care is key. This might include therapy as detailed, Somatic therapy, mindfulness, meditation, yoga, art and music therapy, pharmaceutical and hallucinogen treatments along with a healthy nutritional diet and daily exercise. Reaching a point of some level of stability is a marathon, not a sprint. If rushed one only gets disappointed. Failure thrives in C-PTSD if you allow it. It’s unbearable. Yes, I do cancel plans and let people down but now I try to do things differently as you never know how you will be from one day to another. One needs to know their risk levels and limitations. Once you may have been like a ‘robot’ but now you’re a million miles away from that level of ability.

On a finishing note before some possible helpful points ‘Jack in the Box’ is now what I would call ‘a state of mind’, trauma fueled – resembles anger when sprung by the amygdala. It has however coached or guided me, alerted me, woke me up, scared me, grabbed me by the scruff of the neck, hung me over a cliff dangling, cut off my sleep, but all with the intention of helping me not to repeat past mistakes and to learn and heal. My job was to listen, overserve all that was going on inside of me, on the outside of me, choices I made and actions I took with whom and why. The ‘wolf’ meanwhile was nothing more than some horrendous powerful emotions which paralysed me in my sleep (REM Sleep Disorder) only to return years later in a different form (Non-Rem Sleep Disorder). The brain works in mysterious ways and it remembers just like the body does. Trauma remains in different parts of the body and reveals itself in various mannerisms. Violent coughs that stopped and started during prolonged periods of stress not realising this its a trauma reaction from the neck/chest area when many years before I had been severely injured there as a 22-month-old. No consultants could ever work out what was wrong. I know now. The same applies to the development of severe obstructive sleep apnea. Cortisol and Seratonin play their part physiological with sugar cravings and weight gain occurring at a rate never known before in my life. Pain in joints and muscles have also been a common feature of the trauma. The body tells us something is vitally wrong. We can listen and ignore but ultimately you only run into a hurricane and that makes you stop and look around.

I now even have a large tattoo of a jet black wolf on my chest. A truce, peace treaty, has taken place and we are all on one side. The aim to be well, and live life again regardless of how long it takes and what setbacks will consume us. Living with CPTSD is sometimes strangely like ‘Jack’ all coiled up and wanting to shoot off emotions when they arise as they are so powerful and negative. The key is to manage those feelings appropriately (learn strategies – like from DBT) and keep that lid on!

Helpful Points:

1. It’s a marathon, not a sprint to move forwards
2. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed about your mental health issues
3. Seek mental health support – specialist – GP, Clinical Psychologist, Sleep Specialist, Psychiatrist
4. Get a second opinion if you think you have been misdiagnosed – it happens
5. PTSD and C-PTSD is not just a diagnosis for war veterans. That is a myth.6. Research any prescribed drugs a psychiatrist may prescribe you so you are aware of their benefits and effects.
7. Learning to be ‘present’ in your mind as much as possible is a useful tool to learn (Mindfulness). You will be surprised how hard it is with C-PTSD.
8. Have a partner or Sleep App to monitor your sleep patterns. A sleeping trial might be needed – keep a diary.
9. Routine and structure in your day can help but don’t push yourself beyond limitations. It’s ok not to achieve all that is on your list.
10. Exercise and eat healthy (nutritional foods)
11. C-PTSD is about learning your limits (especially in risk-taking behaviours) and managing your symptoms. Reactions in C-PTSD pass straight through to the Amygdala where fight, flight and freeze can occur in response to what you perceive as a threat. The rational brain is hijacked.
12. Carry out the ACE Questionnaire Scale – what is your score? ‘What happened to you’ ask.
13. As a Parent seek help as early as possible if your child has suffered any kind of traumatic event and there is an impact such enuresis, behavioural, nightmares, dip at school etc. Early Intervention is key.
14. Memories and Information from a traumatic event should be collated and stored be it pictures, photographs, letters, written information etc and made available for young children who dissociate or are too young to recall the trauma (A Trauma Log or Trauma Memory Box). An accurate and truthful narrative is required for the developing child so they can process it healthier.
15. Pragmatism and Eclectrism are key foundations for supporting your recovery and moving forwards. Tip: Activities/Hobbies you did in your childhood that you enjoyed beginning again. A combined package of interventions is helpful.
16. You don’t just ‘get over it’ and you will not ‘be your old self’ again.
17. As a practitioner or parent look for opportunities to build resilience in the child early i.e. through strength or the ability the child has as well as increasing social capital and community connectedness. This can lead to Post Traumatic Growth.
18. Isolation at times can be what you need. Don’t be afraid of taking that time.
19. Surrounding yourself with loving, caring and understanding people is so important
20. Rid yourself of toxic people/friends.
21. Plan to attend events no more than 24 hours before. Even then your mood can change but cancel and let people know. You don’t owe an explanation. You will tell people when you are ready.
22. Be realistic, you may never go back to the same job and field of work if that is too stressful.
23. Your body tells you things, speaks to you when things are not right and you are in a situation where trauma is ready to bounce. A bad cough, aching joints, nausea, headaches, migraines, poor sleep, fatigue, poor memory, low mood, lack of motivation, drained, burnt out, days off increase due to unwellness (not usual for you) weight gain (craving sugar/cortisol increase – becomes an escapable problem unless the stress is released). You are a time bomb waiting to go off.
24. Your body remembers the trauma/s. Going back to 22 months old I now know I had food issues throughout my childhood and adulthood due to being force-fed and shouted at by nurses in a hospital. When ‘unpleasant’ moments happened in the hospital my experiences of the same gender group led to later trauma’s when similar unwelcomed behaviours were displayed towards me. The sweats (something bad is going to happen again), blood being directed into your arms (ready to defend), your in a flight or fight response, the mind attempts to maintain a status quo. In my case, I was often ‘frozen’ (freeze), but took it, dealt with it and tried to channel it into something constructive. It leaves you however drained, angry, saddened, and on ‘alert’ for the next time. The body can only take so much. That ‘alertness’ follows you into sleep…there is no escaping.
25. Pets are therapeutic and know when you are unwell. Welcome their love
26, Remember to care and share ‘you’ with your ‘rainbow’. They come in many shapes and forms.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this blog post, written by the guest blogger, is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Martin Dearlove

Martin Dearlove, age 48 years old is a husband of an amazing wife Marie and father of two beautiful and extraordinary daughters. He and his family immigrated to Western Australia in 2015 from the United Kingdom which was his birthplace in the North of England.
Martin qualified as a professional social worker in 2006. After qualification, Martin practised front line child protection and family support with periods acting in a practitioner, managerial/leadership, consultancy and trustee director roles in the United Kingdom and subsequently Australia. Prior to 2006, Martin worked in the Health and Social Care Sector in various fields, roles with varying groups of clients and in different workplace settings. Martin has worked passionately for 26 years in the Health and Social Sector. This includes the Not for Profit and Government Departments and Organisations.
Martin has continued to learn to complete further Post Qualifying Qualifications in Social Work, Health and Social Care and Leadership after 2006. In 2020 Martin has returned to formal studies as part of a planned career break which will focus on the emerging and developing fields of Neuroscience and Epigenetics. He is at the start of a Master of Science Degree in Applied Neuroscience at the famous Kings College in London. This is the second-largest Psychiatric and Neuroscience Research Department in the World and the biggest in Europe. Alongside his studies, Martin volunteers by writing and contributing his knowledge, ideas and skills to organisations such as The Higher Education Digest, IdeaSpies and the CPTSD Foundation in the United States. Martin hopes such roles will help educate people and agencies on various topics in child welfare as well as being a vital part of much-needed innovation and change.
Martin holds a strong passion for helping children and his vision is to limit the long-term effects of childhood trauma globally. Bringing together the much-needed specialisms for individual specialist needs in child welfare is what he aims to achieve. Martin’s favourite quote is as follows:
“It’s impossible said pride.
“It’s risky said experience.
“It’s pointless said reason.
“Give it a try, “whispered the heart.
Unknown

“Better guide well the young than reclaim them when old,
For the voice of true wisdom is calling.
“To rescue the fallen is good, but ’tis best
To prevent other people from falling.”
Better close up the source of temptation and crime
Than deliver from dungeon or galley;
Better put a strong fence ’round the top of the cliff
Than an ambulance down in the valley.”

Resilience I have remarked about in Part One as the ‘two-sided coin’ strength and a camouflage treating and hiding the trauma/s. I was lucky, I can point to the experiences of supportive siblings, friends, school teachers, church, youth workers, being talented at sport, having access to decent schooling and activities, and growing up in a town with little crime. These types of people, organizations, activities, geographic areas, and their qualities ‘held off’ some of the trauma from the first 1460 days trauma (especially between the ages of 7-16 years). This gave me confidence, strength, skills, and knowledge.

In taking one of these examples and how it worked for me suffering from PTSD (not that I knew this) I suffered from regular horrific nightmares (also enuresis and attachment issues). The nightmares were a secret for many years from the age of 2/3 years old to my twenties. It was not until my forties that I worked out why they started, what they meant, possible characters/people (who depicted the trauma’s) and in terms of ‘confidence’ stopping the nightmares at age 14 years old. As so many children who have experienced significant trauma the experience/s are transferred onto an animal. Mine was a wolf. I have friends who experienced snakes and bears in their sleep. Both these children suffered significant family domestic violence. The confidence that grew within me brought me to a decision at age 14 years to ‘wake up’ before the usual ‘beating’ took place by the wolf. It worked. The wolf never came back (at least not in that shape or form…).

In briefly talking about ‘Adversity’ I refer to the famous long-term study in North America the ACE Study (Adverse Childhood Experiences). This is now prevalent in practices in professions such as health, education, mental health, and child protection across the world. Although insightful and significantly helpful to such fields, there was/is some shortfalls such as a narrow-focused questionnaire that promoted the ‘type’ of adversity.

If your adversity fell outside of those seven key type adverse experiences (expanded now to 10 key adversities), then you received no points and your score was lower when in fact a greater score was more of an accurate reflection. This would have left many types of adversity unacknowledged for trauma victims including myself critically in those first 1000 days when brain development is so important. If I relate this to that time period, I had serious life-threatening injuries and regular stays in hospital from age 22 months to age 3. This was also at a time in the 1970s when parents could only see their child at visiting times (developed attachment issues). Add in staff that forced fed you (abuse, later food eating issues / re-traumatization), serious life-threatening infections (Septicaemia), being alone in a sideward (isolation), regular surgery (fear/ongoing trauma) and no memory or a story on the subject then PTSD, complex trauma, and depression as a child should not be a surprise. Maybe there was more that occurred – the hospital records may reveal more once they arrive.

The symptoms of adversity and trauma such as nightmares, enuresis, OCD type behaviors (control issues) gradually disappeared but then adolescence arrived then my twenties and early thirties. They are filled with concerns relating to attachment, loss/grief, low self-esteem, emptiness, failure. Relationships started and finished badly. A psychological and social confidence roller coaster. As I referred to in Part One there were rain showers and downpours, grey clouds, and foggy days. Something re-traumatizing would happen, I would respond badly, maybe have some therapy, maybe not. Important to note even though this appears unstable it also made me incredibly strong. I could fight back and succeed and move on. It was not a pretty or even a stable picture but there were bursts of sunshine and blue skies. One day a rainbow decided to hang around and decided to call me home. A remarkable bright and colorful rainbow. Like a dolphin that chases the sharks away as they are about to pounce on their human prey. Harmony and stability became a part of my life, the previous trends ‘on hold’. The 7 Hearts of the rainbow had arrived as I nervously called them.

Then one day unexpectedly the weather forecast changed, a ‘Hurricane’ took me into its center. I was not scared; I had been in many very difficult times and situations. A ‘Hurricane’ would be no problem. I was stronger than ever; the rainbow was right there as ever. My view was the Hurricane would pass and move on leaving me intact. I will now jump time and discuss the aftermath of ‘me’ once I left the hurricane behind still raging.

The body ‘gave up’. The signs were there but I ignored them. If you’re into star signs (which I am not) I am a Taurus…stubborn, a dog with a bone. In the end I just ‘fell over’ and there was no way back up. The Hurricane proved too strong. Broken, destroyed in so many ways the ‘past’ the first 1460 days and some extra’s had caught up with me and it was time to face it. Memory or no memory.

I wanted to keep going, running, sprinting but it was literally impossible. I had to accept I was ill with mental health issues. Complex Trauma, Major Depression, Anxiety, Burn Out, and Stress I was told (eventually). Once it had been REM sleep disorder (the wolf nightmares) now the complexity of the brain was stopping me moving into REM sleep (the later stages of sleep – deep dreams) and Non-REM sleep disorder (the first few stages of sleep) had been triggered. Falls out of bed, rocking at the end of the bed, injuries, sleepwalking, thrashing around, acting ‘on guard’. No dreams, no nightmares this time, but something equally as scary. A broken nose and 2 injured fingers followed.

The rainbow and the 7 Hearts were ever-present. Everyone needs a rainbow. Maybe just maybe if there had not been this, I would not be writing this right now. Sad to say.

In Part Three (the last part of this article) I refer to ‘the recovery’, the relapses, medication, therapy, and the key learnings of suffering CPTSD in the first 1000 days of life. It’s no joke if left alone for years. Welcome to ‘Jack in the Box’.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this blog post, written by the guest blogger, is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Martin Dearlove

Martin Dearlove, age 48 years old is a husband of an amazing wife Marie and father of two beautiful and extraordinary daughters. He and his family immigrated to Western Australia in 2015 from the United Kingdom which was his birthplace in the North of England.
Martin qualified as a professional social worker in 2006. After qualification, Martin practised front line child protection and family support with periods acting in a practitioner, managerial/leadership, consultancy and trustee director roles in the United Kingdom and subsequently Australia. Prior to 2006, Martin worked in the Health and Social Care Sector in various fields, roles with varying groups of clients and in different workplace settings. Martin has worked passionately for 26 years in the Health and Social Sector. This includes the Not for Profit and Government Departments and Organisations.
Martin has continued to learn to complete further Post Qualifying Qualifications in Social Work, Health and Social Care and Leadership after 2006. In 2020 Martin has returned to formal studies as part of a planned career break which will focus on the emerging and developing fields of Neuroscience and Epigenetics. He is at the start of a Master of Science Degree in Applied Neuroscience at the famous Kings College in London. This is the second-largest Psychiatric and Neuroscience Research Department in the World and the biggest in Europe. Alongside his studies, Martin volunteers by writing and contributing his knowledge, ideas and skills to organisations such as The Higher Education Digest, IdeaSpies and the CPTSD Foundation in the United States. Martin hopes such roles will help educate people and agencies on various topics in child welfare as well as being a vital part of much-needed innovation and change.
Martin holds a strong passion for helping children and his vision is to limit the long-term effects of childhood trauma globally. Bringing together the much-needed specialisms for individual specialist needs in child welfare is what he aims to achieve. Martin’s favourite quote is as follows:
“It’s impossible said pride.
“It’s risky said experience.
“It’s pointless said reason.
“Give it a try, “whispered the heart.
Unknown

The first thousand days 0,1,2,3 years of age and for some additional delight let’s throw in age 4. Making it the first 1460 days (this excludes the ‘count down days’ of pregnancy and the development of the fetus in utero). We know the experiences in these years are critical for a child’s development. The research is clear on this and I for one as a case study can confirm this. If a normal trajectory of a healthy, loving, and nurturing development goes as planned the brain’s wiring and circuitry performance often leads to some healthy childhood and adult outcomes. Good choices, safe decision making, positive relationships, and a close secure attachment.

If those experiences differ and the child is marked by predicted or unpredicted challenges the brain takes a different route, unpredictable, challenging, and is crafted with differing detail and mechanics. It does not route two or three or even double or triple-figure route numbers. You cannot put a ‘number’ on such an incredible and significant complex phenonium as the brain and trauma (especially for children with limited memories). Scaling Questions so often used in strengths-based therapy can be traumatic (a weakness I believe not documented in such approaches literature – theoretical advantages & disadvantages).

In later years (much later) such a question and approach in therapy became a trigger for re-traumatization. Numbers may help some, they may be concrete and goal-orientated but with trauma numbers of great size and proportion can weigh heavy, demotivates, may lead some to suicide and further deterioration while others will smell motivation and action. The quote depicting ‘A journey of a thousand miles starts with one small step’ again can gain a similar reaction for some. A size seven shoe does not fit all. Some journeys are just different. Pragmatism and Eclecticism are key to healing.

You have a choice in your healing – don’t be put in a box by theory, quotes and western or eastern philosophical ideals, however trendy, contemporary, modern-day, ancient, or romantic.

This story, broken into digestible short parts is a personal, non-academic piece of one person’s experience of putting together a jigsaw, joining up the dots, looking for clues, a Columbo, maybe a Sherlock Holmes, a modern-day Geordie Vera, DCI Tom Mathias (Hinterland), Detective Jimmy Perez (The Shetlands), or finally Detective Harry Ambrose (The Sinner). You see, extreme trauma in the first 1000 days can leave no memory, no trace (or so it appears). One calls this dissociation. A separation and severing between incident/s and the child. A detachment from reality. The suffering and pain are so frightening and traumatic the child must find a ‘somewhere’ a place to hide, recovery, shut down, space out, away from the undeniable shock, fear and injuries. A narrative, a story of such significance must be captured, remembered by those close to the child. Therapy and support must follow but what happens when this does not? What happens to that child then?

Memories, and the basis of an accurate story I have not. Clues, looking back now, yes, in abundance. A chronology defining significant moments within a lifeline that illuminates trends, patterns, themes, and consistencies. The jigsaw starts to form, take shape but it’s still a long way from completion and an end to what were the real stories about an early trauma history. Actions, behaviors, experiences, judgments, and mistakes. Relationships that were always going to end badly, the gut instincts of ‘I told you so’ and the inevitable trauma upon trauma which played itself out when relationships ended. The pushing of people away, the control, the insecurities, the fear, and those moments and experiences which trigger, set off, and ignite the past. The body remembers the mind recalls those traumatic moments and fires off the ‘past’ into the ‘present’. You just don’t know or understand this at the time if you have no insight. You keep on making the same old mistakes until one day a rainbow appears followed by an unexpected and traumatic weather storm. This combination proves critical.

It was not until my forties that I recognized that what happened in those first 1460 days of life would play a large part in directing and guiding me, harming and re-traumatizing me repeatedly. It was no fluke I ended working in child protection…it could have been predicted. It was the 1970’s trauma was not discussed, and therapy was certainly not on a menu. Children did not suffer from PTSD and complex trauma, that was only for war veterans and worryingly there are a few professionals out there practicing with vulnerable children and adults that still think that is the case. This has now quite rightly been put in its place as a ‘myth’. A new truth has emerged.

The memories of those specific traumatic events in those first 1460 days, 1973 age 22 months, 1974 age 2, 1975 age 3, and 1975 age 4, resulted in vague short memories from the latter two experiences but ‘family secrets’ and forbidden discussions in all of these scenarios only served the purpose of the adults, not the child. The child was left scared, hurt, confused a failure, with destructive behaviors in later life. It was a traditional way of parenting and a form of thinking that somehow you were doing it for the best. Not unlike closed or forced adoptions, it was simply wrong not to tell a child about subjects such as their adoption, identity, and cultural background. Fortunately, we now have an open adoption process. Openness and transparency, the ‘good, the bad and the ugly’ need to be heard by children in an age-appropriate and developmental manner. A diary, objects (toy), photos, names of people, professionals, and family members involved need capturing as memories from the traumatic experience will aid the child as they grow. Call it a Trauma Recovery Memory Box…

In part two of this reflection, I will move onto the ‘showers’ (the gentle but also hard-hitting periods of rain) and the bouts of sunshine as bits of the past started to ‘come out’ to destruct and challenge me but also soothe and teach me. It includes reference to ‘resilience’ a two-sided coin, strength but also a camouflage covering over the past, hiding it, putting it out of sight. Inseparable and interwoven, this concept can aid but can also halt the inevitable.

Then we turn to the ‘hurricane’ (a force that stripped me bare) and the trend-setting patterns of ‘knockouts’, and ‘bounce backs’ until there was one knock out that floored me (This is when I met JACK…IN THE BOX) and left me, at last, having little option but to start putting the pieces together bit by bit (the jigsaw). The start of a long recovery. A marathon…not a sprint.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this blog post, written by the guest blogger, is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing on in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Martin Dearlove

Martin Dearlove, age 48 years old is a husband of an amazing wife Marie and father of two beautiful and extraordinary daughters. He and his family immigrated to Western Australia in 2015 from the United Kingdom which was his birthplace in the North of England.
Martin qualified as a professional social worker in 2006. After qualification, Martin practised front line child protection and family support with periods acting in a practitioner, managerial/leadership, consultancy and trustee director roles in the United Kingdom and subsequently Australia. Prior to 2006, Martin worked in the Health and Social Care Sector in various fields, roles with varying groups of clients and in different workplace settings. Martin has worked passionately for 26 years in the Health and Social Sector. This includes the Not for Profit and Government Departments and Organisations.
Martin has continued to learn to complete further Post Qualifying Qualifications in Social Work, Health and Social Care and Leadership after 2006. In 2020 Martin has returned to formal studies as part of a planned career break which will focus on the emerging and developing fields of Neuroscience and Epigenetics. He is at the start of a Master of Science Degree in Applied Neuroscience at the famous Kings College in London. This is the second-largest Psychiatric and Neuroscience Research Department in the World and the biggest in Europe. Alongside his studies, Martin volunteers by writing and contributing his knowledge, ideas and skills to organisations such as The Higher Education Digest, IdeaSpies and the CPTSD Foundation in the United States. Martin hopes such roles will help educate people and agencies on various topics in child welfare as well as being a vital part of much-needed innovation and change.
Martin holds a strong passion for helping children and his vision is to limit the long-term effects of childhood trauma globally. Bringing together the much-needed specialisms for individual specialist needs in child welfare is what he aims to achieve. Martin’s favourite quote is as follows:
“It’s impossible said pride.
“It’s risky said experience.
“It’s pointless said reason.
“Give it a try, “whispered the heart.
Unknown

The reasoning is personal, professional and academic. I am told it is rare to have all 3! Like an infant who suffered adversity between the ages of 1 to 4 years old when trying to achieve optimal brain development (a critical stage in a child’s brain development and attachments), the trauma and traumas acquired followed me throughout my childhood and into adulthood.

Unaware and completely oblivious to CPTSD as many are, the unacknowledged diagnosis took me to the brink of suicide (s), a survivor but also equally and importantly led to the development of insight, learning, character, and heart. A fighter who kept getting up and taking more and more (needlessly so if help had been available as a child). This took into my mid-late forties to understand its complexity and to start to ‘join the dots’ up of a secretively family history and traditional parenting approach. A journey back in time was required to approximately age 22 months old.

The title of the series ‘I Can’t Remember. But…’ speaks volumes given the age range I am discussing. Dissociation, Implicit and Explicit Memory all become relevant. The ‘Before and After’ slogan, represents 0-3 years (the before, implicit memory, dissociation, no recollection) with the ‘after’ being fragile, vaguely and hazy remembered explicit memories from age 4 onwards, into adolescent then adulthood. The older the clearer, accurate and evidential.

The series will succinctly explore and analyze key areas as follows:

Part 1. The importance of optimal brain development in the ‘first thousand days’ of childhood and the consequences of trauma – ‘Like a Bat out of Hell’
Part 2. The effect on the brain, memory, sleep and the body’s role in trauma during childhood – ‘The Shadow’.
Part 3. What a child requires to limit and heal from trauma in childhood – ‘A Fence around the Cliff, not an Ambulance in the Valley’
Part 4. What is this all about? Adulthood and the Ambulance in the Valley – ‘a Game of Cluedo’
Part 5. The Adverse Childhood Experience Study (ACE’s) – ‘In or out, do I fit or not?’
Part 6. Bringing it all Together – ‘The Good, Bad and the Ugly’.

Martin Dearlove

Martin Dearlove, age 48 years old is a husband of an amazing wife Marie and father of two beautiful and extraordinary daughters. He and his family immigrated to Western Australia in 2015 from the United Kingdom which was his birthplace in the North of England.
Martin qualified as a professional social worker in 2006. After qualification, Martin practised front line child protection and family support with periods acting in a practitioner, managerial/leadership, consultancy and trustee director roles in the United Kingdom and subsequently Australia. Prior to 2006, Martin worked in the Health and Social Care Sector in various fields, roles with varying groups of clients and in different workplace settings. Martin has worked passionately for 26 years in the Health and Social Sector. This includes the Not for Profit and Government Departments and Organisations.
Martin has continued to learn to complete further Post Qualifying Qualifications in Social Work, Health and Social Care and Leadership after 2006. In 2020 Martin has returned to formal studies as part of a planned career break which will focus on the emerging and developing fields of Neuroscience and Epigenetics. He is at the start of a Master of Science Degree in Applied Neuroscience at the famous Kings College in London. This is the second-largest Psychiatric and Neuroscience Research Department in the World and the biggest in Europe. Alongside his studies, Martin volunteers by writing and contributing his knowledge, ideas and skills to organisations such as The Higher Education Digest, IdeaSpies and the CPTSD Foundation in the United States. Martin hopes such roles will help educate people and agencies on various topics in child welfare as well as being a vital part of much-needed innovation and change.
Martin holds a strong passion for helping children and his vision is to limit the long-term effects of childhood trauma globally. Bringing together the much-needed specialisms for individual specialist needs in child welfare is what he aims to achieve. Martin’s favourite quote is as follows:
“It’s impossible said pride.
“It’s risky said experience.
“It’s pointless said reason.
“Give it a try, “whispered the heart.
Unknown