Sheri Heller | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org The Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research Mon, 29 Dec 2025 14:31:11 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://cptsdfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/cropped-Daily-Recovery-Support-Globe-iPad-Fav-32x32.png Sheri Heller | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org 32 32 Understanding the Spectrum of Spiritual Trauma https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/12/22/987502421/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/12/22/987502421/#comments Mon, 22 Dec 2025 10:11:12 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987502421

As a complex trauma clinician, survivor, and interfaith minister, I’ve come to understand that true recovery is incomplete without addressing the wounds of spiritual trauma. By spiritual trauma, I refer to the profound psychological, emotional, and existential wounds that arise when an individual’s connection to the sacred, divine, or ultimate meaning is violated, distorted, or weaponized. This occurs when spiritual or religious beliefs, experiences, or institutions become entangled with betrayal, coercion or abuse, resulting in disconnection from one’s inner self and sacred core of existence.

When trust in the sacred is violated, our very foundations of meaning become distorted, and the ground of one’s being is split apart.

Today, we are witnessing this fracture unfold on a collective level.

Our cultural psyche reflects a mindset dominated by survival fears and unchecked ambition, rather than life-affirming, humanistic values. Faith and hope have become scarce commodities. The yearning for transcendence is eclipsed by unmet primal needs, and as our lower impulses prevail, moral corrosion and spiritual decline inevitably follow.

This deterioration brings with it a distortion of truth. When spiritual and psychological health erode, critical thinking falters. Rigid, black-and-white thinking takes hold, cognitive distortions infiltrate our perception of reality, and polarized moral postures replace discernment. Universal ethical absolutes, such as recognizing child abuse, slavery, and torture as immoral, are dismissed as relative constructs. This collapse into moral relativism fuels division and obscures a balanced understanding of morality as inclusive of both contextual nuance and timeless principle.

Moreover, the beliefs shaped by trauma profoundly influence one’s worldview and vision of a humane and spiritually coherent existence. Dr. Ronnie Janoff-Bulman’s Shattered Assumptions Theory (1992) illuminates this connection, showing how trauma undermines basic assumptions that the world is benevolent and meaningful, and that the self is worthy.

When brutality must be psychologically accommodated, a state of helplessness ensues. The ability to imagine a hopeful future diminishes, and faith, both in self and in the greater good, collapses. Those who have been shattered by life find themselves in a crisis of meaning, unable to move from fight-or-flight into rest-and-repair, or to shift from the belief that “life is working against me” to “life is working for me.”

As explored in my essay, America is Spiritually Unwell, trauma manifests when collective trust in our shared moral and spiritual frameworks erodes. Such rupture can stem from external abuses, religious exploitation, moral hypocrisy, ideological coercion, or from internal crises such as moral disillusionment, loss of meaning, or the sense of divine abandonment.

Often, these external and internal forces intertwine. Outer violations of trust intensify inner crises of faith, while internal despair deepens the impact of external betrayal. In both cases, the individual and the collective lose their sense of safety, belonging, and connection to something greater, resulting in existential confusion, guilt, and despair.

Narcissistic family systems, cult-like relationships, and authoritarian religious environments often operate through quasi-spiritual dynamics, where the narcissistic leader or parent becomes a false deity. Within these systems, devoted followers or children serve as a source of emotional supply, their worth contingent upon appeasing and idealizing the perceived omnipotent figure. Love, approval, and even salvation are conditioned on submission, loyalty, and self-abandonment.

In such environments, the abuser (or system) claims exclusive access to truth or divine authority, punishing dissent as betrayal or sin. This structure mimics spirituality while corrupting its essence. Rather than connecting individuals to inner divinity or truth, it binds them to an external tyrant or ideology. Over time, followers internalize the abuser’s god-like voice, resulting in a spiritualized form of trauma bonding.

What’s more, narcissistic abuse also relies heavily on psychological gaslighting. Statements like “That didn’t happen,” or “You’re too sensitive,” can be profoundly disorienting when extended into the realm of faith, morality, or God. This spiritual distortion is a form of ontological gaslighting, in which the very nature of truth, goodness, and reality is manipulated. As a result, survivors not only doubt their perceptions, but their very existence and relationship to the sacred.

For instance, a survivor who tells a spiritual leader they felt violated might hear, “That’s just your ego resisting divine correction. You’re being tested.”

Here, abuse is reframed as spiritual growth, invalidating the survivor’s moral intuition. Over years of such conditioning, survivors may internalize this distortion so deeply that even after leaving a punitive faith system, they remain haunted by fear.

When a person’s inner compass has been shaped by indoctrination steeped in ontological gaslighting, existential confusion takes hold. The survivor may ask themself, “Is my peace real, or is it evil?” or question, “Maybe this peace I feel is Satan tempting me. Maybe freedom means I’m lost.”

In the context of complex trauma, especially that arising from systemic childhood abuse, the development of self, safety, and meaning occurs within chronic betrayal. When these dynamics are overlaid with religious justification, “God told me to discipline you,” or “You must honor your father and mother,” the damage cuts to the existential core. The concept of the Divine becomes entangled with fear and shame, and both body and spirit cease to feel like safe homes.

Consequently, survivors may disconnect from intuition, spiritual experience, or even hope itself. Practices that should offer comfort, such as prayer, meditation, or community, can instead feel tainted or triggering. The aftermath often includes a pervasive sense of meaninglessness. Life feels arbitrary, unsafe, and devoid of moral coherence. Spiritual trauma deepens this despair by fracturing the very framework through which meaning is made.

In response to spiritual wounding, survivors may oscillate between nihilism and obsession, rejecting all spirituality or clinging to rigid dogma in an attempt to restore order.

The nervous system remains entangled with existential fear. “If I don’t obey perfectly, I’ll be punished or abandoned again, by God, by life, by everyone.” They doubt their moral compass, mistrust their spiritual authenticity, and may feel guilt or terror for questioning oppressive teachings.

Healing from spiritual trauma begins with restoring epistemic trust, the ability to recognize and honor one’s own lived experience as sacred truth. In this reclamation, spirituality can be rediscovered as a source of authenticity, compassion, and inner freedom, rather than a tool for control or fear.

Recovery requires courageously confronting painful memories connected to once-trusted spiritual figures, communities, or traditions, whether the harm arose from clergy abuse, cultic manipulation, loved ones, or systemic oppression.

This process involves revisiting the experiences that fractured one’s sense of purpose, goodness, or divine connection. It means engaging with those moments that disrupted faith in the cosmic order. It entails facing the reality that doctrinal or ideological teachings may have instilled chronic fear, guilt, or shame, suppressing questioning and erasing individuality.

For some, healing also entails confronting forced conversions, cultural erasure, or the collective suppression of ancestral spirituality. Alongside these explorations, psychological and somatic symptoms frequently arise. Likewise, feelings of divine abandonment, existential despair, identity confusion, or bodily distress triggered during spiritual practices or encounters with ritual symbols will be incited.

As survivors dismantle inherited narratives of unworthiness and reclaim the authority to define the sacred on their own terms, grief and liberation often emerge together. As these wounds are tended, what once felt like spiritual desolation can give way to a renewed sense of meaning and connection, to spirituality rooted in integrity, love, and embodied truth–rather than fear or dogma.

This process organically encourages the reclaiming of inner authority, learning to trust intuition, moral judgment, and lived experience as sources of sacred wisdom.

Healing spiritual trauma is not about returning to former beliefs, but about cultivating a relationship with the sacred that is safe, life-affirming and aligned with one’s deepest truth.

In sum, when complex trauma and narcissistic abuse intersect with sacred harm, the resulting wounds are ontological, affecting one’s very sense of existence. Healing begins with disentangling the sacred from the power, control, and shame that once distorted it. Survivors are called to confront how spiritual language and authority were weaponized to enforce compliance, while gradually reconstructing a spirituality that honors autonomy, embodiment, and relational safety. In this reclamation, spirituality becomes a living expression of wholeness, freedom, and self-respect.

Recovery is both trauma integration and spiritual reclamation, allowing the self to reawaken as sacred. It involves recognizing that the body is a repository of intuitive and spiritual wisdom that predates both doctrine and trauma, and differentiating authentic spirituality from coercive or abusive religious teachings. Cultivating inner compassion, benevolence, and a felt sense of the divine often requires inner reparenting, so that we can rebuild a relationship with meaning, mystery, or divinity grounded in lived truth. Supportive communities (where asking questions is honored as sacred inquiry, rather than condemned) can be an essential part of this journey.

Photo by Chelsea shapouri on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/12/22/987502421/feed/ 4 When Breaking Free from an Abuser Feels Impossible https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/04/22/when-breaking-free-from-an-abuser-feels-impossible/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/04/22/when-breaking-free-from-an-abuser-feels-impossible/#respond Tue, 22 Apr 2025 12:06:07 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987500306

With the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), approximating that 41% of women and 26% of men have experienced sexual violence, physical violence, psychological aggression or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime, (translating to over 61 million women and 53 million men in the United States) it’s clear that trauma-based attachments, significantly infiltrate mental health, relationship stability, and even physical health across generations.

Indeed, as a complex trauma survivor and therapist of over three decades, I can attest to the prevalence of relational abuse that runs the gamut from childhood neglect to malignant narcissistic abuse to domestic violence to sex trafficking, and everything in between. In all these scenarios, repetitious cruelty, devaluation, and intermittent positive reinforcement result in a trauma bond, a psychological connection in which cycles of abuse ignite a deep emotional attachment that the victim (mis)construes as love, loyalty, or dependency toward the abuser.

A common tactic in certain trauma-based relationships, especially in cases of childhood abuse, narcissistic abuse, exploitation, or coercive control, is grooming, a strategic, manipulative process where a perpetrator systematically gains control…

When grooming is prevalent, the abuser starts by building trust and emotional intimacy, leading the victim to feel safe or ‘special’ in the abuser’s presence. This makes it more challenging for the victim to recognize or admit the abusive behavior when it starts to gradually and slowly escalate.

Through the use of intermittent reinforcement, in which the abuser alternates between abusive behavior and moments of affection or kindness, the victim becomes emotionally hooked. 

Chasing after fleeting moments of care or affection in the face of ongoing harm typifies the dynamic between the victim and the abuser.

Since the abuser consistently normalizes the abusive behavior and maneuvers to make the victim feel increasingly dependent on them, the victim begins to rationalize each new step of abuse, believing the relationship is still loving or worth fighting for. Over time, the victim becomes conditioned to accept the abuse, as it becomes part of a complex emotional cycle.

What’s more, abusers often isolate their victims from support systems, making them feel completely dependent on the abuser for emotional, financial, or even physical survival. On top of this, victims often fear the consequences of defying or leaving the abuser, particularly if the threat of physical violence is a viable possibility. Given these conditions, the victim survives by rationalizing staying in an unsafe situation. The attachment may even be framed as providing a distorted sense of stability or familiarity.

In addition to trauma bonding, other related terms that describe the psychological dynamics of trauma-based relationships include traumatic attachment, Stockholm syndrome, betrayal bonding, pathological attachment, toxic loyalty, and dissociative bonding.

All these concepts pertain to unhealthy or maladaptive forms of attachment that develop in abusive or high-stress relationships. Shared key features include submission and an extreme emotional reliance on another person, even when the relationship is destructive. Furthermore, fears of separation or abandonment override logic or self-preservation.

That these sundry forms of relational trauma are ignited by attachment injuries with those in positions of power and dependency, complicates the victim’s ability to break free. Consequently, the victim is compelled to stay in the abusive relationship, group, or ideology irrespective of clear harm.

Critical to consider is how traumatic attachments are influenced by diverse variables such as psychological makeup, the severity and type of abuse, the length of the relationship, and external influences like social support or personal resilience. All these factors contribute to the tenacity of the trauma bond, making it difficult to break free even when the abuse is obvious.

A person’s psychological constitution, such as their temperament, coping mechanisms, and resilience, influences how deeply they form and maintain a trauma bond. For instance, folks with a history of attachment difficulties, low self-esteem, or those who have grown up in dysfunctional or abusive environments tend to be more vulnerable to forming trauma bonds. Their need for validation and emotional attachment is typically stronger, and they may have learned to tolerate or normalize unhealthy dynamics.

Correspondingly, such individuals may have incurred insecure attachment styles (like anxious or avoidant attachment), making them more likely to develop a strong emotional dependence on the abuser. Also, people raised in conditions of abuse and neglect tend to have a higher threshold for trauma or stress, meaning they can endure longer periods of abuse before their psychological defenses break down. This propensity can make a trauma bond stronger over time.

Scottish psychiatrist and psychoanalyst W. Ronald Fairbairn offers a profound lens through which we can understand these patterns seen in trauma bonding. Based on his observations of children who had experienced trauma, neglect, or difficult early relationships (1952), Fairbairn’s impressions led to ideas central to his theory of object relations and traumatic attachment.

Fairbairn posits that children are fundamentally relational beings who prioritize maintaining a bond with their caregivers even at great personal cost. He asserted that when caregivers are abusive or neglectful, children cannot psychologically reject them because their very survival depends on attachment. So instead, the child internalizes the bad caregiver as a split-off ‘internal object’ and blames themself for the abuse.

Because the child must make sense of the suffering while maintaining a connection to the caregiver, Fairbairn suggested that the greater the abuse, the stronger the attachment. The more extreme the mistreatment, the stronger the child’s unconscious hope that if they behave ‘better’ or ‘fix’ themselves, they will finally be loved.

Accordingly, the emotional bonds formed in childhood through trauma lead to complex, confused attachments where the person remains psychologically attached to the abuser, even while recognizing the harm they cause. Attachment and suffering become inextricably linked. These internalized conflicting representations (good and bad) form the basis for patterns of trauma bonding in adulthood, where the victim is emotionally torn between love and fear, dependence and pain. This intrapsychic conflict perpetuates the cycle of abuse.

What’s more, prolonged exposure to episodic cruelty, gaslighting, manipulation, and mind games makes the victim doubt their perceptions. Intermittent reinforcement intensifies the dependence. Amid confusion and an addictive emotional rollercoaster, the victim clings to moments of kindness as proof of hope.

Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline create a physiological dependence on the abuser. The body reacts to withdrawal similarly to substance addiction, and the victim becomes addicted to the pipe dream of ‘good moments’ returning. To continue ensuring safety the victim may unconsciously align with the abuser and come to associate both the pain and the occasional moments of affection or kindness with love or security. The victim may normalize, rationalize, or even justify the abusive behavior as something they deserve and something they can’t escape.

As the lines between love and abuse become continuously blurred, the victim is driven to seek affection or validation to survive emotionally. The spikes of kindness or reassurance after harsh episodes of abuse make the victim feel as though the abuser really loves them, even if the behavior contradicts this. To adapt to this situation and maintain illusions of safety, the victim will emotionally rationalize the abuse in order to mitigate the tension of cognitive dissonance.

Moreover, if a victim experiences an unconditional need for love, security, or survival, they are more likely to remain tied to the bond, as their dependency yearnings emanate from unmet emotional needs earlier in life, whether due to childhood neglect, emotional abandonment, or abuse. Subsequently, overwhelming needs for love or acceptance can cause the victim to cling more tenaciously to the abuser in an effort to satisfy unmet needs from childhood. Naturally, the abuser will capitalize on this predisposition by reinforcing the fantasy of a special unique connection that is irreplaceable or spiritually significant.

In due course, without the abuser’s approval, affection, or attention, the victim believes they would be worthless or incapable of functioning. At this point, when the victim’s self-worth is tied to the abuser’s treatment, the tormentor has become the redeemer. The abuser is perceived as a savior, necessary to one’s survival. The victim’s sense of self becomes entangled with the abuser’s perceptions, needs, and moods. Loss of the abuser feels like losing a core part of oneself. This sort of emotional dependency makes the bond incredibly difficult to break.

Educator and forensic psychologist Dr. Lenore Walker, who introduced the idea of trauma bonding in her groundbreaking work The Battered Woman Syndrome (1979), outlined a seven-stage cycle of abuse that delineates how victims become psychologically bonded to their abusers. Walker’s paradigm laid the foundation for understanding abusive relationship dynamics.

According to Walker, the cycle begins with the buildup of tension. Stress begins to accumulate in the relationship due to external pressures (e.g., work, finances) or internal conflicts. The abuser becomes increasingly irritable, critical, or controlling. The victim may feel like they are ‘walking on eggshells,’ trying to prevent an outburst.

This culminates in an abusive incident. The tension reaches a breaking point, leading to physical, emotional, verbal, or psychological abuse. The abuser exerts control through fear, threats, insults, or violence. The victim may try to resist or submit, but they are ultimately harmed.

After the abuse, the abuser may show remorse, apologize, or make promises to change. This is the reconciliation or honeymoon phase. The abuser may offer gifts, affection, or acts of kindness to regain trust. The victim, longing for love and stability, hopes the change is real. A period of calm encourages the victim to downplay the abuse. The relationship appears stable, and there may be a sense of normalcy. The abuser may be on their best behavior, reinforcing the victim’s hope that things have changed.

Over time, unresolved issues and stress build up again. Tension escalates, and the abuser becomes increasingly controlling, irritable, or aggressive. The victim senses the impending abuse and may attempt to pacify the abuser. However, the cycle repeats with another abusive episode, often worsening over time. The victim feels trapped, confuse,d and fearful, but may struggle to leave due to psychological conditioning, financial dependence, or hope for change.

Hence, the cycle continues, reinforcing the bond. Each time the victim forgives and stays, the trauma bond deepens. The intermittent reinforcement of love and abuse calcifies a powerful emotional dependency. The longer the cycle continues, the harder it becomes to break free. This repetitive pattern is why many victims stay in abusive relationships. The mix of fear, hope, and emotional connection makes escaping incredibly difficult, reinforcing the trauma bond over time.

Believing one can survive outside the relationship requires immense inner work, often with professional support, to rewire the trauma-conditioned attachment and rebuild a sense of self. Dr. Walker’s work emphasizes that breaking free from a trauma bond starts with a fundamental understanding of the machinations of learned helplessness and the cycle of violence and its psychological impact.

Understanding that the emotional attachment isn’t love, that it’s a conditioned response to inconsistent treatment, is crucial to dismantling a traumatic bond. Ultimately one must dispense with false hope and fully accept that the abuser is unlikely to change despite apologies or promises. For this to occur, seeking trauma-informed support is crucial, as trauma bonds thrive in isolation. For survivors of domestic violence, Dr. Walker highlights the importance of shelters and advocacy programs.

Whether it be a trauma-informed therapist who can help unpack the bond and address underlying wounds, or finding others who have left similar situations and can support and validate your decision to leave, breaking the tenacity of a trauma bond requires empowering connections.

Also essential is strategic planning, especially when physical safety is at risk. This may involve having important documents and emergency funds ready, as well as identifying safe places to go and working with a therapist or advocate.

Breaking the psychological addiction necessitates going ‘no contact’, limiting exposure or making yourself as uninteresting and unresponsive as possible (aka grey rock method). Establishing distance assists with regulation, as trauma bonds often involve a chemical addiction to the highs and lows of the abusive relationship (dopamine from love-bombing, cortisol from stress). Likewise, it allows one to cultivate the necessary space to reframe beliefs about the abuser and oneself, process emotions, and rebuild self-worth.

Lastly, liberating oneself from trauma bonding is a courageous and comprehensive deep dive into unresolved childhood wounds (e.g., neglect, abandonment, or past abuse)and a journey of self-love and self-reclamation.

It is also a powerful trajectory towards dismantling challenging thoughts that excuse toxic behavior.

Tragically, those who are repeatedly victimized often excuse unrepentant perpetrators who were themselves victimized. This naive mindset enables abuse. Ones’ personal suffering is not justification for harming others. Irrespective of the universal plight of suffering and the multitudinous variables that comprise one’s unique nature, we are all responsible for how we manage adversity. While we cannot choose for another what choices they make, we can stop excusing depravity. Upholding standards that oppose victimization, while praising the strength of sincere contrition and the power to choose from a place of humanity, is a celebratory anthem for all victims who found the mettle to liberate themselves from bondage.

Photo by Jose P. Ortiz on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/04/22/when-breaking-free-from-an-abuser-feels-impossible/feed/ 0 Why Complex Trauma Survivors Can’t Just ‘Get Over It’ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/21/why-complex-trauma-survivors-cant-just-get-over-it/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/21/why-complex-trauma-survivors-cant-just-get-over-it/#comments Wed, 21 Jun 2023 08:49:32 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=248832

God asks no person whether he or she will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Trauma is a penetrating wound and injury, which threatens one’s life and arrests the course of normal development by its repetitive intrusion of terror and helplessness into the survivor’s life. When there is prolonged repetitious exposure to multiple severe traumatic events perpetrated by one’s caregivers throughout childhood, what results is referred to as complex trauma.

Although child abuse is the predominant catalyst of complex trauma I encounter as a trauma therapist, complex trauma can also result from emotional, physical or sexual abuse and neglect incurred through trafficking, domestic violence, hostage situations, medical abuse, refugee displacement, and war. All these conditions disrupt development and cause fragmentation of the overall personality.

Given that recurring trauma stymies cohesive identity formation, a reliable sense of independence within a connection is ruptured

Given that recurring trauma stymies cohesive identity formation, a reliable sense of independence within a connection is ruptured. Consequently, as trauma survivors attempt to negotiate relationships, the psychological defenses formed through trauma bonding become increasingly maladaptive. Intimate relationships are driven by a desperate longing for protection and love and simultaneously fueled by fears of abandonment and exploitation.

Essentially, as much as the complex trauma survivor struggles to deny, minimize, bargain with, and co-exist with the abuse, the impact of chronic trauma seeps into the deep recesses of the psyche and the body. Hence, long after the actual danger is past, the complex trauma survivor is consistently beset by painful symptoms and visitations of traumatic injuries on a mind, body, and spirit level.

Most significant are how the detrimental effects of trauma on the brain impact explicit and implicit memory.

Two brain structures that encode memory are the hippocampus and the amygdala. The hippocampus encodes explicit memory, meaning it creates a chronological perspective of the information that interacts with prefrontal cortex functioning (PFC). The PFC brain region consolidates a contextual understanding of the encoded memories so that informed adaptive emotional and cognitive responses can occur.

Meanwhile, the amygdala, the mediator of emotional stimulation and the fight or flight part of the limbic system catalogs past sensory experiences as implicit memories that are intrinsic to intense arousal. This function ensures that future threatening events will ignite sensorial signals, alerting one to danger.

However, when trauma is thrown into the mix the consolidation of encoded information is disrupted. The deluge of adrenal hormones that are triggered by traumatic events heightens the arousal state of the amygdala, sending it into overdrive. At the same time, the hippocampus shuts down, hampering the ability to distinguish past from present.

Additionally, the vagus nerve, responsible for regulating motor functions and arousal of the sympathetic nervous system, ‘freezes’ when stimulation is extreme. Known as a dorsal vagal state, this scenario paradoxically affords self-protection while impeding the possibility of feeling safe and regulated. This experience is akin to being so immobilized by fear that a full dissociative collapse ensues. One’s energy is depleted to the point of not being able to exercise basic daily activities or engage relationally.

What’s more, since hippocampus and cortical activity are impaired, fragments or traces of sensorial memory occurs. This results in memories becoming a schema of blurred images and details that are linked to physiological symptoms of fear. Moreover, these irregular flawed sequences of fragmented memories create an incoherent narrative and in some instances dissociative amnesia.

All in all, traumatized people relive the events as though they were continually recurring in the present

Furthermore, this complex neurobiological response to trauma elicits an ‘unspeakability’, as the horrifying events endured cannot be organized on a linguistic level (Bessel van der Kolk).

Photo by Marina Vitale on Unsplash

All in all, traumatized people relive the events as though they were continually recurring in the present. Events are re-experienced in an intrusive-repetitive fashion, themes are re-enacted, nightmares and flashbacks persist, and there is an unrelenting state of danger and distress. Exaggerated disproportionate reactions to perceived threats, in which the compromised prefrontal cortex is unable to sufficiently assuage the trauma response, is an omnipresent reality for survivors.

Stuck in time, the trauma survivor is challenged to differentiate the past from the present. This is a complicated and arduous task. Although there is no quick fix or easy anecdote, or even a definitive timeline, there is a pathway.

That said, before a trauma survivor can even conceive of ‘getting over it’ or ‘letting go’ of intrusive and repetitive reminders of traumatic events and coming to terms with the anguish of literal and intangible losses, they must first parse out convoluted memories of past traumas from present reality.

Distinguishing the past from the present entails identifying the cues that ignite trauma responses so that regulation techniques can be employed, projections can be diffused and the eventual creation of a cohesive narrative of one’s history can ensue. For this to happen safety must first be established. This is a necessary prerequisite to achieving stabilization.

Since the stimuli associated with the trauma are often avoided through denial and numbing, the survivor experiences restricted affect, no recall, diminished interests, and an overall sense of detachment. A formidable collaborative therapeutic alliance characterized by an empathic reparative bond is the foundation for trauma-informed treatment that encourages the retrieval of suppressed affect and memory.

The survivor is led to safely identify their plight through bibliotherapy, psycho-education, and the ‘borrowing’ of the therapist’s observing ego. The ability to create a modicum of predictability and self-protection is also crucial. Developing these life skills may entail the incorporation of medication management, addiction recovery, relaxation techniques, bodywork, creative outlets, and establishing a replenishing home environment and a responsibility towards basic health needs.

Given that the body speaks of the abuse through chronic hyper-arousal as well as through difficulties sleeping, feeding, and overall disruptions with biological functions along with states of psychological dysphoria, the goal is to help the survivor return to a ventral vagal state.

Likewise, moving out of dissociative numbness to conscious instinctual awareness and responsiveness leads to cognitions rooted in feeling. All these strategies and techniques help clients build neuro-pathways in their brains that assist with identifying and practicing coping skills. Furthermore, these processes foster self-cohesion (H. Kohut) in which fragmented parts that were disowned in the service of survival, can over time achieve unification.

When the survivor has enough ego strength to face the profound level of despair that would have shattered her in childhood, the mourning process begins along with the reframing of a history of systemic victimization.

At this stage, the therapist serves as a witness. The therapist and client emotionally immerse themselves in a prolonged collaborative passage through excruciating grief. Intangible misfortunes, spanning the entirety of a lost childhood and the subsequent hardships that follow, are endured. The loss of self, loss of life skills, loss of faith, loss of trust, loss of agency, and loss of dignity are but some of the diverse pieces comprising the wreckage. The survivor begins to reevaluate her identity as a ‘bad’ person, and in so doing begins to feel worthy of relationships that allow for authenticity and nourishment.

For many, just traversing this stage of recovery can take years

Here disintegration, exacerbation of symptoms, and nervous collapse are most likely to occur. During this stage of treatment, survivors need to prepare themselves for symptoms of psychosis, physical dysregulation, severe dissociative episodes, and flashbacks. Suicidal ideation and overwhelming feelings of despair and hopelessness may arise. Relapses may occur. Inpatient care might be necessary.

Those who persist and are willing to endure the repercussions of grieving a lifetime of tangible and abstract losses, need to be safely monitored. Effective pacing and leading necessitate accessing the resources established in the initial stage of treatment. Basic fundamental tools that facilitated safety and stabilization early on, are especially invaluable as deeper work is approached.

The mind and body begin to coalesce as awareness of one’s plight is recognized as having a legitimate context. The survivor faces what was done, and what the traumas led her to do under extreme circumstances.

Successful completion of this stage of recovery ultimately results in acceptance and renewal, inclusive of a comprehensive understanding of human nature and the shadow side of humanity. The stage of rebuilding can only occur when the horror of systemic abuse is sufficiently processed and a coherent and cohesive narrative of what one survived is crafted.

Much of the reparative work in the final stage of trauma recovery involves challenging nihilistic and fatalistic assumptions about the self and the world. The trauma survivor intent on thriving is challenged to give life to a perspective, a philosophy that goes against internalized beliefs, and to reconstruct a reality that makes room for the existence of faith and hope. She is motivated to attach to the abstract for a deeper transcendent meaning. Creativity, spiritual belief systems, philosophy, ethics, service, and personal integrity are all part of this exploration.

For the survivor turned thriver, this journey of healing and reclamation has a deeply complex metaphysical meaning and it informs one’s sense of pride and purpose. It is understood that the act of ‘letting go’ of a past steeped in trauma is the attainment of bittersweet acceptance.

In sum, the complex trauma recovery process takes extensive time and substantial patience

In fact, according to the organization Beauty After Bruises,“Survivors with C-PTSD and dissociative disorders often require therapy for more than ten years on average. An additional number of years (up to several more) are all too often lost on ineffective or harmful therapy and receiving several misdiagnoses before ever obtaining a proper one. Following the most intensive phases of therapy, with memory processing completed, many patients still find themselves needing some form of therapy or psychiatric care for many, many years to come.

I can personally attest to how navigating through the rigorous process of restoring and reclaiming a cohesive authentic self in the aftermath of systemic traumatic abuse, is an inconceivably huge task. It took me decades, and truth be told I doubted my suffering would end, that I could ever get past the pain of my existence.

So, to the critics who extolled ‘moving on and ‘shaking it off, I have this to say. The survivor’s drawn-out quest to access a sense of wonder and the inner resilience to make meaning out of despair and move towards a future of one’s making with certainty and conviction, is a noble feat. There is no greater achievement than transcending mere survival so as to restore one’s birthright and finally experience what it is like to fully feel and fully live.

With great pride, I look back and marvel at having stayed the course. It brought me full circle to holding that space for those who are brave enough to embark on their own laborious and lengthy odyssey of trauma recovery. Above all, pressing on showed me that nothing worth having in life will ever come easy. For all trauma survivors, this tenet is a guiding principle.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2023/06/21/why-complex-trauma-survivors-cant-just-get-over-it/feed/ 3 Complex Trauma and the Damaged Self https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/28/complex-trauma-and-the-damaged-self/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/28/complex-trauma-and-the-damaged-self/#comments Fri, 28 Oct 2022 14:01:54 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=245060 It’s difficult to become who you are when beset by survival fears

Know thyself.
Be your best self!
Confident people have high self-esteem.
Egotistical people are self-centered.
Self-awareness is a sign of humility and introspection.
Magical thinking is self-defeating.

The list of proclamations pertaining to the self can go on into perpetuity, but what exactly is a ‘self’?

According to the American Psychological association (APA) a self is,“the totality of the individual, consisting of all characteristic attributes, conscious and unconscious, mental and physical.”

Based on this description, what holistically defines the self are all the properties and traits which comprise a fully formed human. This includes the experiential level in which sensorial consciousness informs us of what we perceive. Known as interoception, who we are and what we feel is consistently prompted by the seamless interaction of bodily signals and the environment.

Of course, brain-body interactions and sensory channels encompass just a part of the story. It is not reflective of the entire picture. Beyond being finely tuned synergetic machines interacting with environmental and relational cues, people have unique temperaments and constitutions. In fact, an Ancient Greek theory posited that we could be neatly classified as sanguine, phlegmatic, choleric, or melancholic.

Arguably, human nature is much more variable than the four personality types. Likewise, as much as there is diversity there is also universality. As a species, we are all hardwired to need connection and create meaning. On the whole, we all have the potential for aggression as well as the propensity for compassion.

Hence, as neurobiology attests we are not born tabula rasa. We enter this world with a biological and evolutionary inheritance of innate proclivities and genetic specifications. Additionally, from an esoteric perspective, it’s believed that all beings possess a unique inviolate spiritual essence referred to as a soul.

What we acquire through our engagement with our surroundings and how we adapt largely determines how inherent multi-dimensional traits mature.

Since it’s evident that the interaction of nature and nurture shapes our inner and outer being, it’s crucial to consider what happens when the developmental processes that foster selfhood are disrupted.

This is particularly relevant to my being a survivor and a clinician of complex trauma. Personally and professionally I can attest that one’s natural capacities and potentials are stymied by the dysregulation and persistent experience of threat caused by chronic parental abuse and neglect.

Under these conditions, healthy self-identity formation and integration are derailed. Instead, diffusion and fragmentation occur. Feeling broken and damaged and consumed by nihilistic despair, the victim of complex trauma loathes the tenuous self that is hijacked by fear.

Needless to say, this is an extraordinarily painful way to live.

Photo by Alexander Andrews on Unsplash

Psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut, best known for introducing self-psychology regarded the self as a coherent and adaptably stable experience of individuality. Kohut suggested that accruing a cohesive sense of self requires the gratification of narcissistic needs. Most vital is satisfying the need for empathic parental mirroring.

The conveyance of this critical relational gesture insists on a reliable caregiver capable of providing a loving empathic gaze of admiration. This encourages the child to internalize a positive sense of worth and achieve healthy narcissistic development.

Being consistently and empathically seen during the formative years by those one is unconditionally dependent on, positively shapes self regard.

According to Kohut, it is empathic attunement that fosters a self that is narcissistically healthy and resilient. This is the vehicle for the sort of object relations which ensures an effective understanding of safety and attachment. It is from the absorbing or introjecting of this primary connection to significant caregivers, that a self is forged.

However, those whose lives are plagued by abusive child-rearing practices, ruptured bonds, and relational trauma, incur difficulties with trust and other developmental failures. Furthermore, the repetitive intrusion of terror and helplessness experienced by the abused and neglected child fragments the overall personality, causing one to feel unreal and disembodied.

To survive, the child must resort to primitive psychological defenses. Denying, walling off, excusing, or minimizing the abuse is necessary to preserve the primary bond at any cost. The child simply cannot psychologically face that they don’t matter to the person they need for their very survival.

The intractable biological drive for maternal bonding makes it necessary for the child to disavow the danger and stand by their parental tormentor. Concomitant to this coping mechanism, dissociation kicks in to protect the central organizing ego from breaking from reality and disintegrating into psychosis.

The pinnacle of this tragedy is that the child must conclude it is their inherent ‘badness’ that is responsible for the abuse. Paradoxically this stance defends against unbearable powerlessness as it offers an illusion of control. To not assume blame would psychologically annihilate the child’s already fragile and incoherent self.

Nonetheless, these defenses cannot prevent traumatic events from being re-experienced in an intrusive-repetitive fashion. That being the case, distressing themes are habitually re-enacted, nightmares and flashbacks persist and an omnipresent state of looming danger seizes control.

Photo by Jr Korpa on Unsplash

In retrospect, it is blatantly clear how the lack of a sane, dependable parental introject set in motion a trajectory of fear and insulation which distanced me from my vitality. My worldview was skewed by danger and relentless suffering that induced constriction. From this place, I could not embody a unified experience of selfhood, as so much was disowned in the service of survival.

As addiction and trauma expert Dr. Gabor Maté wisely imparted, “The loss of self is the essence of trauma.”

In those rare moments when I wasn’t numb or flooded by unbearable loneliness and a hypervigilant sympathetic nervous system, I caught tenuous glimpses of myself. It was in those moments, although outraged by the raw deal I was handed with a schizophrenic mother and a narcissistically malignant father, I believed there was someone I was meant to become.

Finding her would be a formidable task.

After all, the self that is unwanted and unknown is hated and viewed with contempt by the one challenged to reclaim that which she was robbed of. This confounding paradox called for a reframing of what I loathed. Before I could repair and discover who I am, I had to confront my identification with internalized abuse so as to dismantle what I was not. That prolonged course of action encouraged my quest toward consciousness and self-realization.

Referred to by psychiatrist and founder of Analytical Psychology Carl Jung as the quest towards individuation, one is challenged to reintegrate lost aspects of the self by first cultivating and strengthening the ego, and then going beyond the ego to the intrinsic essence of the Greater Personality.

Jung imparted, “The self is not only the centre but also the whole circumference which embraces both conscious and unconscious; it is the centre of this totality, just as the ego is the centre of consciousness.”

Hence, although reclaiming safety and dignity were probably the most critical psychological tasks in the cultivation of a cohesive self, recapturing the wondrous and spiritual facets of myself was just as essential to my pursuit of wholeness. However, moving from the psychic to the more abstract realms of synthesizing and merging personal and collective consciousness revealed obstacles.

I was led to acknowledge how over-identifying with being a victim of trauma kept me isolated from the larger world. In fact, in many ways, my survivor persona became a substitutionary front for dignity and worth. If I was to fully know myself apart from my suffering then it was essential to cultivate relationships that lived outside of that narrative.

Just as the absence of human love buries the self, it’s the presence of love which resurrects it.

With that understanding guiding me my growth and engagement with life and with myself have deepened. By the same token, having this as a foundational guideline in my clinical work with those who possess the mettle and the willingness to plumb the depths, intensifies their desire to reclaim the Self that lost its way. Above all, it brings the quest full circle knowing that by becoming the mirrors we were denied, the steadfast self can now extend itself to those who are desperately seeking an admiring reflection.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/10/28/complex-trauma-and-the-damaged-self/feed/ 11 How Child Abuse and Neglect Obstructs the Pursuit of Intimacy https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/11/16/how-child-abuse-and-neglect-obstructs-the-pursuit-of-intimacy/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/11/16/how-child-abuse-and-neglect-obstructs-the-pursuit-of-intimacy/#comments Tue, 16 Nov 2021 11:07:16 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=238695

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

There’s no doubt that the quest for love is universal. The giving and receiving of love are as fundamental to our well-being as the air we breathe. In fact, according to the maternal deprivation hypothesis infants regardless of whether they are puppies, monkeys or humans will not develop normally unless they receive the warm loving attention of a mother figure to who they can become attached.


The maternal deprivation hypothesis is substantiated by the behavioral patterns of foundling home children psychoanalyst Rene Spitz studied. Spitz’s term anaclitic depression describes the apathy, social ineptitude, physical morbid rigidity, and absence of verbal expression prevalent in these children. Similarly, psychologist Harry Harlow’s term, catatonic contracture; a bizarre form of social apathy found in rhesus monkeys raised in isolation, reinforces the premise that maternal bonding is a critical pre-requisite to developing strong or affectionate personal attachments.
Irrespective of one’s attachment template, whether secure, disorganized, avoidant, or ambivalent, the innate need for bonding (John Bowlby) compels us to find another to couple with, to turn to, to grow with, and thrive with.

Unfortunately, this natural pursuit of love is a source of tremendous distress for those afflicted by maternal deprivation, especially when it is further exacerbated by systemic abuse and neglect. As a trauma survivor and an NYC clinician of three decades in the public and private sectors of mental health and addiction, I have come to understand why the attainment of intimacy is fraught with so much anguish for those afflicted with complex trauma rooted in child abuse.


To comprehend the psychological and developmental machinations of how the trauma of child abuse impedes intimacy it is necessary to examine one’s early beginnings.


Scottish psychiatrist and psychoanalyst W. R. D. Fairbairn (1889–1964) assumed that the unconscious develops in childhood and contains dissociated memories of parental neglect, insensitivity, and outright abuse that are impossible for the child to tolerate consciously. In Fairbairn’s model, these dissociated memories protect developing children from recognizing how badly they are being treated and allow them to remain attached even to physically abusive parents.


Attachment is paramount in Fairbairn’s model, as he recognized that children are absolutely and unconditionally dependent on their parents. Emotional abandonment is death to the child. The child’s primary unconditional attachment means that traumatic life events cannot be assimilated with the victim’s inner schemata of the self in relation to the world. This is because traumatic events destroy the victim’s fundamental assumptions about the safety of the world, the positive value of the self, and the meaningful order of creation.


Ultimately the child concludes it is their innate badness that is the cause of the abuse. Paradoxically this tragic conclusion offers the abused child hope that they can change their circumstances by becoming ‘good’. This self-blame is continually reinforced by the perpetuation of abuse. This malignant sense of inner badness is often masked by the abused child’s desperate efforts to be ‘good’. Yet secretly the child believes no one truly knows them, and if their true self were recognized they would be shunned and reviled.


In spite of the corruption, danger, and despair comprising the victimized child’s world, the child must preserve hope and meaning to survive. They must preserve the primary attachment to the parents at any cost. Psychological defenses are employed to do this. The abuse is either denied or walled off, excused, or minimized. This involves dissociative states, which are induced trance states. These dissociative trance states can result in complex amnesias, hallucinations, a high tolerance for pain, or possession states. Severe dissociation can fragment the personality so that multiple alter personalities emerge.


When the authentic self is rejected, a false self adapts by becoming what others need them to be. Accordingly, the abused child grows up with no sense of who they really are. This establishes a futile plight with intimacy, as you cannot be known if you don’t know yourself. Moreover, you can’t define boundaries when a sense of self is lacking. Furthermore, having innate attachment requirements denied and thwarted results in intense and contradictory feelings of need and fear. This inner state of tension characterizes the trauma survivor’s struggle with intimacy.


For adults who were sexually abused as children, an erotic template for sadomasochism, sexual objectification, and sexual fixations is set in motion. The victim reduces oneself and others to objects, thus impeding the possibility of intimacy. Patterns of intense, unstable relationships repeatedly enact dramas of rescue, injustice, and betrayal result. Although there is a desperate longing for nurturance, relational trauma makes it difficult to establish safe and appropriate boundaries with others. Hence, the sexual abuse survivor is at further risk of repeated victimization in adult life.

4 Core Issues: Traumatic Sexualization, Stigmatization, Betrayal, and Powerlessness

Traumatic Sexualization is a result of developmentally inappropriate, premature erotization. Any gratification from the sexual exploitation is proof in the child’s mind that they instigated and bear full responsibility for the abuse. If the child ever experienced sexual pleasure, enjoyed the abuser’s special attention, bargained for favors, or used the sexual relationship to gain privileges, these sins are adduced to evidence of the child’s innate wickedness. Hence, sexual arousal becomes intertwined with shame and guilt. Additionally, the undesired sexual experience, accompanied by feelings of self-loathing and disgust, is projected onto other sexual experiences.


Stigmatization is commonly referred to as damaged goods syndrome. The negative connotations of being broken and sullied by the abuse are incorporated into the victim’s self-image. Guilt, inferiority, shame, and doubt characterize the self. The victim takes on the ‘badness’ of their abuser, thus developing a contaminated, stigmatized identity.


The Betrayal of sexual abuse leads to issues around lack of protection and self-blame. One’s belief in personal invulnerability, perceptions of the world as meaningful, and appreciation of self as positive are derailed by sexual abuse trauma. The pervasive threat of abuse induces Powerlessness, the feeling engendered when a victim’s will, desires, and sense of efficacy have been overcome or assaulted continuously.


All things considered, the traumatized wounded child who has incurred injuries from maternal deprivation, along with systemic neglect, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse will experience the repercussions of complex trauma sabotaging their quest for intimacy in adult life.

Photo by Atharva Tulsi on Unsplash


As survivors attempt to negotiate adult relationships, the psychological defenses formed in childhood become increasingly maladaptive. The survivor’s intimate relationships are driven by the hunger for protection and care and are haunted by the fear of abandonment or exploitation.


This constant state of craving compels the traumatized child as an adult to feed their insatiable neediness with whatever is accessible. Codependent behaviors and character traits render one unable to experience appropriate levels of self-esteem, set functional boundaries with others, and own one’s reality. There is difficulty taking care of dependency issues around needing and wanting, and difficulty expressing one’s reality and sense of self.


Having learned to control and manipulate to appease parental abuse and to procure a modicum of attention, the co-dependent adult enacts these same behaviors in their adult relationships. Devoid of a formidable authentic identity, they are compelled to control others’ behavior because they are ill-equipped to handle their own emotional discomfort. The codependent distracts from their tenuous sense of identity and emptiness by compulsively and obsessively ‘fixing’ others. This deflects from their internal suffering. To alleviate the stress of co-dependency addictions may develop.
Alienated from one’s true self and hence others, traumatized people feel utterly abandoned, utterly alone, uncared for, and unprotected. This experience of disconnection induces the need to be guarded and in control. Intensity is confused with intimacy and obsession is confused with care, and control is confused with security.


Emptiness, apathy, and depression reflect the absence of a true self. In fact, the victim’s depression is emblematic of being in perpetual mourning for one’s true self. This imbues life with a feeling of unreality. Magical thinking offers illusory comfort. Holding onto the belief that an extraneous event or person can alter your reality, without having to do anything to alter your behavior is reinforced by romantic notions of ‘happily ever after,’ in which fantastical rescue scenarios afford salvation.


The pinnacle of tragedy is how the absence of unconditional positive regard in childhood contributes to an insatiable need for love, attention and affection which can result in narcissistic disorders. Violence and cruelty may be perpetrated by the victimized child as an adult, thus perpetuating generational trauma. In identifying with the offender, the powerless victimized child creates an illusion of control. In these cases the needs of the deprived child cause the adult to always feel disappointed interpersonally, seek ‘perfection’ to fill their emptiness, regulate with addictions, seek endless adulation and admiration, pursue materialism as a source of worth, and use their children to meet their narcissistic needs.


In summary, it is inevitable that the trauma of child abuse and neglect lends itself to inconceivable suffering and intimacy dysfunctions. Trauma impels people both to withdraw from close relationships and to seek them desperately. Alterations between anxious clinging and isolation occur. The terror of being alone can cause one to stay in a destructive relationship.


Given the enormity of damage incurred, recovery and reclamation of an authentic self and a quality of life for the complex trauma survivor is a demanding task. It entails traversing a grim and heartbreaking history, while carefully regulating a fragile, fragmented psyche exacerbated by flashbacks and somatic memories. The commitment to healing, while fraught with extreme discomfort and difficulty holds the promise of immeasurable rewards. This process can not occur in isolation.


Judith Lewis Herman (author of Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence-From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror) wrote,
“Repeatedly in the testimony of survivors there comes a moment when a sense of connection is restored by another person’s unaffected display of generosity. Something in herself that the victim believes to be irretrievably destroyed — faith, decency, courage — is reawakened by an example of common altruism. Mirrored in the actions of others, the survivor recognizes and reclaims a lost part of herself. At that moment, the survivor begins to rejoin the human commonality…”


Indeed, as Herman conveys, it was inhumanity that took an egregious toll and it is humanity that offers a healing bridge to recovery. Corrective sustaining bonds with a therapist, peers, the solidarity of a group, and ultimately a romantic partner champions the trauma survivor, encouraging them to stay the course and fully face what was done, and what the traumas led the survivor to do under extreme circumstances. The survivor is challenged to mourn the loss of one’s integrity, the loss of trust, the capacity to love, and the belief in a ‘good enough parent’.


With the ego strength to face the profound level of despair that would have shattered the victim in childhood, through the mourning process, the survivor begins to reevaluate their identity as a ‘”bad” person, and in so doing begins to feel worthy of relationships that allow for authenticity and nourishment. It is here that the birthright of which the survivor was robbed can finally be reclaimed.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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