By Morrene Hauser

I always worked hard to make the holidays special for my children when they were growing up.  I wanted their childhood, especially the holidays, to be filled with love, happiness, and good memories–something that was denied to me because of the years of abuse I suffered as a child. Verbal, sexual and physical abuse were a daily occurrence in my childhood by my mother, and the various sick men she brought into our lives.

My ex-husband is Jewish, so putting up a Christmas tree and decorating for the holidays was not something he grew up with (we divorced several years ago when our kids were teenagers). No matter, every year we pulled out the decorations, and we all worked to decorate while listening to festive music.  Nothing made me feel closer to my family than those moments. Unfortunately, as much happiness as I felt, it didn’t take away the daily depression and anxiety I had struggled with for most of my life.

In my early childhood, due to the abuse, my nervous system had become dysregulated, and that caused an immense amount of adrenaline to run through my body. At times, it made my knees weak with terror and caused severe panic attacks. Sometimes I felt so uncomfortable that I wanted to jump out of my skin and run away, screaming.  

The only thing that calmed me down was liquor. I started drinking when I was 14 years old, and by the time I turned 21, I had become a functional alcoholic. When the anxiety was at its worst, I drank until I blacked out.

I only have a few, hazy memories of Christmas growing up. Same with my birthdays. As far as Thanksgiving, I have absolutely no recall of ever sitting down for a meal with my mom and whoever she happened to be married to, or dating, at the time. The only “memory” I do have is my annoyance at her for refusing to make turkey. Mom liked ham, so that’s what we ate. I believe that we must have eaten a Thanksgiving meal together at some point, but, again, whatever memories I had have long been buried.  Did I get a break from the abuse during the holidays? I doubt it. 

As for me, even though I made Christmas special for my kids, the holiday felt like an intrusion in my life. My work slowed down considerably, and that was hard on me. Even though I should have taken that time to relax, I was unable. Needing to be occupied, I had no idea what to do with that extra time. I was miserable having so many days of unstructured time; I bounced off the walls with anxiety and depression as nervous adrenaline flowed through my body.

Another thing I wasn’t comfortable with was receiving gifts. If a friend happened to give me a present that I wasn’t expecting, although I appreciated the thought, it made me very uneasy. Deep down, I didn’t feel worthy of that kindness. I discouraged my kids and husband from giving me gifts. All I wanted was for the holidays to be over.

I admit that, over the years, I have often felt jealousy and envy when my friends shared with me their holiday plans–especially if it meant they were getting together with their extended family. We moved several times when I was growing up, and I didn’t get to know my relatives very well. That is a loss I have felt deeply throughout my life. Even though I have reconnected with some of my family members over the years, our communication is sporadic because we don’t have much of a history, and we live in different states.

A couple of weeks ago, a dear friend sent me a package in the mail. In it were two beautifully wrapped Christmas gifts that I hadn’t been expecting. My first impulse was to open them immediately, but suddenly a thought occurred to me. Why don’t I save these for Christmas, so I have something to open?  Start a new tradition! FOR ME.  

I have a silk tree in my family room that’s wrapped in small white lights. I keep the lights on year-round, and they provide a nice ambience that comforts my nervous system. It also makes a good little Christmas tree, and that’s where I put the gifts. Now, every time I look at them, I feel a little thrill of excitement. 

I even told my adult son that I want to trade gifts with him. He usually buys me something every year, but he doesn’t wrap it. I asked him to please wrap my gift this year, so I have something to open.

My son then asked me to give him some ideas of what I wanted, and of course, my mind went to what I need.  I’m on disability, so “needs” can quickly overwhelm my budget. 

After giving his question some thought, I said, “Surprise me!”

I have no idea what my future holds, but one thing is certain:  I am determined to find the Christmas I never had! We deserve to enjoy things like holidays and time with family. I did my best to make a good Christmas for my family, and now it’s time for me to have that pleasure. This is only the start!

Photo by Mourad Saadi on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Morrene Hauser

Morrene Hauser currently lives in Central Ohio. For a little over 30 years she ran and operated her own business as a court reporter. Upon retirement Morrene started writing about the many wonderful animals she had while growing up and the powerful impact they have had on her life.  Morrene also writes about mental health.

What we are actually seeing online

Grief does not always look like tears. In trauma populations, it often flips outward. Projection is an old defense. When a person cannot tolerate an internal state, the mind assigns it to someone else. Offline, that reads as snapping at strangers or driving in a rage. Online, it shows up as obsessive posting, drive-by attacks, and open-ended smears framed as public service. Large surveys confirm the scope of the harm to targets. Few studies ask what is happening to the harasser. When it does, the pattern looks less like measured cruelty and more like psychological bleeding.

Complicated grief as a rage trap

For a minority, grief does not resolve. It becomes chronic and destabilizing, especially after traumatic loss, betrayal, or endings without closure. In that state, the world stops making sense. Without trauma-informed support, the pain goes somewhere cheap and fast. Social media offers speed, anonymity, and dopamine rewards for outrage. It does not offer containment or repair. That mix invites escalation, not integration.

A threat-biased brain on a 24-hour platform

CPTSD changes how the brain handles danger. The amygdala becomes quick to fire. The prefrontal cortex loses influence under stress. The result is a system that reads neutral signals as threats and treats small disagreements as betrayals. Put that brain in front of an endless stream of posts and you get misattribution at scale. A public figure becomes a stand-in for an old abuser. A cautious comment becomes an attack. Studies linking trauma exposure with hostile online behavior support what clinicians see every week: when people feel unsafe, they fight ghosts that feel real.

How hostility takes shape in practice

Patterns repeat. One person becomes a fixation. Neutral content is read as personal harm. “Accountability” campaigns grow from thin or shifting claims. Minor disputes trigger major outrage. Attention and control feel briefly stabilizing, so the behavior continues. This is displacement in real time. It is not always conscious. It is still real. Naming the mechanism does not excuse the impact on targets. It clarifies the engine so responses can be effective instead of theatrical.

Accountability without excuses

Understanding the trauma behind harassment does not mean tolerating it. Consequences and boundaries protect people. Clarity protects systems. Report and block remain necessary but are not sufficient. A durable response needs three lanes. Platforms and moderators need training on how trauma distorts perception so they can weigh patterns, corroboration, and risk instead of rewarding volume. Clinicians need to assess digital triggers as part of safety planning and stabilization. Targets need procedures that do not leave them alone with a mute button and a form. None of this requires special pleading. It requires the same mix of ethics and evidence we expect in any other public-health problem.

Final thoughts

“Hurt people hurt people” is too simple to guide policy, but the core is useful. You can recognize hurt and still hold a hard line against harm. Much online abuse is unmanaged grief and threat biology acting out in a cheap arena. It is not okay. If we keep misdiagnosing it, we will keep choosing tools that do not work, and we will keep losing people behind usernames who needed real help long before the first post.

References

Brailovskaia J, Margraf J. The relationship between exposure to traumatic events and online aggression: A study among internet users. Computers in Human Behavior. 2021;115:106616.
Pew Research Center. Online Harassment 2020.
Shear MK, Simon NM, Wall M, et al. Complicated grief and related bereavement issues for DSM-5. Depression and Anxiety. 2011;28(2):103-117.
van der Kolk BA. The Body Keeps the Score. New York: Viking; 2014.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Dr. Mozelle Martin

Dr. Mozelle Martin is a retired trauma therapist and former Clinical Director of a trauma center, with extensive experience in forensic psychology, criminology, and applied ethics. A survivor of childhood and young adulthood trauma, Dr. Martin has dedicated decades to understanding the psychological and ethical complexities of trauma, crime, and accountability. Her career began as a volunteer in a women’s domestic violence shelter, then as a SA hospital advocate, later becoming a Crisis Therapist working alongside law enforcement on the streets of Phoenix. She went on to earn an AS in Psychology, a BS in Forensic Psychology, an MA in Criminology, and a PhD in Applied Ethics, ultimately working extensively in forensic mental health—providing psychological assessments, intervention, and rehabilitative support with inmates and in the community. A published author and lifelong student of life, she continues to explore the relationship and crossovers of forensic science, mental health, and ethical accountability in both historical and modern contexts.

www.InkProfiler.com

Photo by Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Gabrielle Lynch

***

I recently read an essay by Melissa Febos, “The Heart-Work: Writing About Trauma as a Subversive Act,” from 2017, which was later expanded and now appears as the first chapter, entitled “In Praise of Navel Gazing” in her 2022 collection of essays “Body Work: The Radical Power of Personal Narrative.” I read the original article on my laptop as I ate comfort food at a wooden picnic table near the lake. I had run away for the afternoon, taking time with myself, sorting through some uncomfortable emotions, and feeling raw. As I absorbed her story, tears appeared on the horizon. I was moved both by her compelling arguments about the transformative power of the truth but also by another layer of realization of my own hard stories pulsing in my veins, chanting in the half-darkness, waiting in the wings for their moment in the sun.

***

“This is the way adults love each other.”

“This is a grown-up secret, just between you and me.”

***

I’m seventeen, and I’ve agreed to check into Long Beach Memorial Hospital for a substance abuse treatment program for teens. I see the gray melamine meal tray, complete with a wooden spork and green Jello, in my mind’s eye. I am filling out a questionnaire. “Have you ever been sexually abused?” I mark the yes box. I feel defiant and strong. I am finally telling the truth. Do I understand the true freeing power of honesty at that time? It’s not how I do today, but somewhere in me, I am so tired of keeping secrets. My adult cousin had molested me when I was about 3 or 4.

I hadn’t thought that checkmark all the way through to the avalanche effect it was about to have. I was underage. My parents had to be told. Was it going to have to be reported?

Big surprise, they weren’t surprised. They already knew. Apparently, I had told them when it happened. Why did I still feel so betrayed? What could a young child have possibly told them anyway? Did they know to ask the right questions? Why was nothing ever done? Why did I still feel so unsafe? Why was my dad still buddy-buddy with this man who did what he did to me? Why did I feel like it was my fault?

***

“Men will only ever want one thing from you.”

***

My dad told me this multiple times, starting in junior high school. There was always a “look” and a “tone” that went along with this. I assume he thought he was protecting me. In high school, he told me I looked like a prostitute once and made me change my clothes.

My dad also repeatedly told friends and family the story about the summer I was developing, and he saw me in the rear-view mirror but hadn’t seen my face, just my body, and found himself gawking at me. Internally, I cowered in shame. Why was he proud of this fact? Why did I feel so dirty? What did I do wrong?

***

“If you really knew me and all my secrets, you wouldn’t want me, love me.

You’d run screaming in the other direction.”

***

The point in my life when I finally stood in the face of the truth at last and looked eye to eye with my own alcoholism and destructive patterns, my own Jekyll and Hyde, the wasteland of my tattered soul, was the same timeframe I started writing again. Among other things, writing saved my life and resurrected my sanity. The true transformation took root; my pen and ink were soil and water. With guidance, I began to look with clear eyes at myself and question who and what I was and what the hell was I doing in my life, not to mention asking and answering the questions starting with why. I dismantled secrets, washed clean the lies (including those I told myself of what was and wasn’t ok), and turned the clean laundry back right-side-out. I had lived in an inverted reality and didn’t even know it. The shame rode so deep in me. I couldn’t look you in the eye. I most certainly couldn’t even hold my own gaze in the mirror. I was dead inside. Too many secrets. Too many lies. For far too long.

***

“I had to walk back through my most mystifying choices and excavate events for which I had been numb on the first go-round.” – Melissa Febos

***

As I laid myself bare on the table, ink drained from me like blood. I felt like I was in a detective movie, making one of those link charts of stories and suspects, causes and conditions, trying to unravel an unruly ball of tangled yarn. I spoke of all my personal unspeakables, first on paper, then out loud to another. I told the stories and mistakes. I told how I hid and lied and cheated. I told things I could barely understand the meaning or implication of at the time. I recounted what I experienced, what had been done to me, and how each unhealed trauma had deepened my predisposition for the next, how I had become so broken and bent that I didn’t and couldn’t attract anything else. I had come this far and understood at a deep and visceral level that if nothing changed, nothing would change – that if I didn’t bring absolutely everything into the sunlight, then the simple truth was that I may not be able to move forward. And I already knew what backward looked like. No longer acceptable. Hope only lay ahead, in the unknown, in the light of day.

What happened next appeared gradually, like an acorn transmuting into a sapling, eventually growing into a mighty oak. Or maybe the better analogy is the beautiful lotus flower rising up out of the muck and mud at the bottom of the pond. I no longer have secrets. I may choose to keep something private, but the chains of silence no longer bind me. There is nothing that I have experienced, thought, said, or done that at least one other human being knows about. And there is sheer freedom and joy in this. I no longer feel the need to hide. I meet my own gaze in the mirror, and I know that someday, my stories of transforming my lived experience will help others transform theirs as well. No mud, no lotus.

***

“I say that refusing to write your story can make you into a monster. Or perhaps more accurately, we are already monsters. And to deny the monstrous is to deny its beauty, its meaning, its necessary devastation.”  — Melissa Febos

***

I began to feel grateful for pieces of my story. My escape into alcohol and, later, drugs may have been killing me, but it also medicated me and kept me alive in some ways. The pain that I endured both at the hands of others as well as at my own is a touchstone to growth. I don’t necessarily want to purge my past. Purify, transform, transmute, yes, but my battle scars are well-earned and, at times, even treasured. This is the rich and fertile soil that can help others transform their own.

. ***

“Navel-gazing is not for the faint of heart. The risk of honest self-appraisal requires bravery. To place our flawed selves in the context of this magnificent, broken world is the opposite of narcissism, which is building a self-image that pleases you. For many years, I kept a quote from Rilke’s Letters to a Young Poet tacked over my desk: ‘The work of the eyes is done. Go now and do the heart-work on the images imprisoned within you.’ ”  — Melissa Febos

Photo by Suzanne D. Williams on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Adina Lynn LeCompte

Adina Lynn LeCompte is a sixth-generation Californian. After having lived in varying parts of the US and abroad in Florence, Italy, she has come home to roost, splitting her time between the Central Coast and the Foothills of Yosemite. She holds her Bachelors of Arts from UCLA (Language & Linguistics), her Master of Arts from Middlebury College School Abroad / Universita’ di Firenze (Language & Literature), and studied 4 years in the MDiv program at Naropa University in Boulder, Colorado. Over the years, she founded several successful local businesses and worked as an interfaith hospital and hospice chaplain.

Adina is a working writer, an award-winning poet, and is working on her upcoming book “Spilling Ink: Write Your Way Into Healing”. Additionally, she has designed an interactive transformative workshop by the same name that uses writing as a tool for healing from trauma, especially abuse and grief. She is also co-author of several compilations of poetry with her husband, John LeCompte, who is also a writer. (“With These Words, I Thee Wed: Love Poetry” was published in 2023.)

Her most recent exciting endeavor is being a part of the Bay Path Univeristy’s MFA program in Creative Nonfiction, with an emphasis in Narrative Medicine.

writeyourwayintohealing.com

A new year means a new start for many — an opportunity to reflect on the past year of your relationship and explore your future together.

For some, New Year’s relationship resolutions may be just the spark your relationship needs.

Remember that your relationship constantly evolves as you and your partner spend more time together. What aspect of your relationship was most satisfying? Most frustrating? Were you sexually satisfied last year? If not, what would you like to change? Where would you like to see progress? It is crucial to reflect on yourself and your relationship from time to time to avoid toxic situations which, unfortunately, do come up in any relationship — if we aren’t mindful and get too comfortable.

I am freshly married, and in April we will celebrate our first anniversary. Even though our relationship is full of passion, love, and understanding, I am aware that we need to work on it constantly. This year we will also become parents, and this will vastly change our dynamic in a variety of ways. I am somewhat fearful that passion and love will take a back seat to our baby’s needs, I know that our relationship will thrive if we are aware and adaptable to all of the wonderful changes our family is about to experience.

My husband and I made New Year’s resolutions that we are keen to follow — perhaps these will also inspire you to commit to growth and change.

Communication. Communication is essential when discussing any topic, especially since discontent may elicit a defensive response. Take turns — actively listen to each other. Don’t interrupt. Once you have each voiced your opinions, respond to each other calmly and thoughtfully. Avoid commands like “you need to…”; instead, change “you” to “we” and use positive language about your relationship like “I think we could…”. This makes the conversation involve both of you, and you become a team! Before making resolutions for your relationship, here are three tips to consider:

• Set expectations. Do your best to discuss what you’d like to change, and analyze how this realistic change would affect your family dynamic. If you and your partner have been struggling, don’t expect change to happen overnight — but have faith that your commitment to each other will guide you toward achieving your relationship goals. Dialogue about where you want your relationship to be in two months, six months, and a year is crucial for growth and happiness in a relationship.
• Share your goals. Good resolutions include specific details and allow you to see the bigger picture. While establishing a stronger relationship may be your over-arching goal, improving your communication about small, everyday topics (like talking about your day at work or what TV show you’ll watch together) break down the goal into specific, attainable objectives. Looking at your relationship this way makes your wide-ranging resolutions less daunting.
• Enjoy the process. Focus on the means of getting to where you want to be, not just the end goal. Improving your relationship is a process. Enjoy the opportunity to know your partner on a deeper, more intimate level.

Now that you’re prepared to make resolutions for your relationship, ask yourself — and each other — what exactly do you want to change? The most important issue here is that you both are equally committed to your relationship. Shared goals are the bedrock for relationship success; they provide a purposeful pathway toward meaningful enrichment and allow us to adjust to all of the beautiful changes we will experience. To find out if you and your partner are on the same page, sit down together and answer the following questions:

• How can we spend more quality time together?
• How can we build intimacy, both sexually and emotionally?
• What can we both do to improve our friendship?
• How will we let each other know about our physical and emotional needs?
• How will we handle disagreements and bring them to a healthy resolution?
• How will we communicate and check in with each other daily?
• What is most important to each of us about our relationship?

If less than half of your answers match your partner, you could use more dialogue.

Wherever your answers differ, talk about them openly and honestly!  Dialogue about where you agree and disagree. Where can you compromise? Find one aspect of your relationship where you share similar goals, and discuss how you can both work toward it this year.

New Year, New Beginnings

If you don’t know where you’re headed, it doesn’t help to try to go there any faster. Before embarking on this year-long journey to a better relationship, work together to establish a course on which you both agree. Relationship resolutions only succeed through mutual effort and communication. TAR Network wishes you a New Year filled with love and compassion!

If you would like to be part of Dr. Jamie’s series “Get Unstuck from TAR and Narcissistic Abuse in 2024” please send an e-mail to mila@TARNetwork.org. Addiction to toxic and narcissistic people is real, and we want to help you set the necessary boundaries. Using an analogy from folklore, “TARred & Feathered” will focus on removing – or de-tarring – toxic individuals from your life. Webinars have already started.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

STAR Network

STAR Network, is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization committed to Support, Treatment, and Prevention of Narcissistic Abuse and Attachment Disorders. Narcissistic abuse is one of the most devastating triggers for CPTSD, robbing survivors of their authenticity. STAR Network empowers STARs (Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships) with its transformational program, TAR Anon™. STAR Network is the leading global trauma support network, offering free resources to heal individuals and families impacted by trauma, PTSD and CPTSD. Their mission is to transform lives, reduce relapse rates, and create a lasting, inclusive community of support.

https://starnetwork.org/

https://drjamie.com/

https://taranon.org/

https://tartales.org/

It has affected all my relationships and has colored my thinking and responses to my environment for my entire life. I’m immensely relieved I don’t remember the actual incidents and I’m so grateful to my brain for sparring me from these injustices. I do know that spiritually I was assisted to survive. Why? Because I had the inner strength to bear what happened to me and the urge to understand why it happened. And I’m compelled to write about it to help myself and others.

I AM Here

I am here, against all odds, a healthy adult who isn’t addicted, a functioning family with a loving husband, great friends, and healthy, happy adult children. I beat the odds, but it takes so much effort on my part to protect and nurture my mental health.

Do the work for yourself because it’s worth it. I’m writing this article which helps expel the demons after these kinds of dreams. I also wrote two psychological thriller books based on my childhood to help myself and others recognize the type of abuse we’ve endured and the behaviors it drives. The books also show how my intent for a better life is the biggest reason why I didn’t fall into the dysfunctional family cycle. I also promised myself I would be financially independent to ensure I could live my life on my terms. If you’re financially dependent on someone it’s hard to live life on your terms.

Don’t let your past or current circumstances defeat you

Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings, write them down, talk them out, and let them go. Live the best possible life for yourself. Don’t let your past or current circumstances defeat you. Your life can change with your mindset.

Figure It Out

I used to have nightmares a lot when I was younger, but they have lessened with therapy and depression medication. I’m on a new medication and I think it may be the cause of the nightmares resurfacing. Or it could be another layer of healing occurring. I’m not sure, but I will figure it out. It’s what I do.

The first thing I did when I woke up from the nightmare was to tell my husband and let him comfort me for a bit. Right after that, I got up and worked out for 30 minutes. Movement helps the mind and the body. It’s a daily practice for me.

Be aware of your mental chatter, which is often negative and defeating

I’ve also learned to redirect my thoughts when they go down a negative path. Be aware of your mental chatter, which is often negative and defeating.

The healing journey doesn’t end. I strive to know and understand myself. I also understand what drove my parents’ behavior. Understanding does help you let it go. My parents had many demons they didn’t heal from, and it shows. My father committed suicide and my mother attempted it. I don’t want to say they did their best; I think that statement gives them more credit than they deserve. My parents did what they could in their own time.

Now we know so much more about what can be done to heal. It may sound like I’m struggling, but I’m spewing the ugliness I feel into words to let it go. I release this ugliness because it doesn’t belong to me. I’m not the cause. Words and actions are powerful.

I also write to educate others who’ve had similar experiences. I have a daily practice of exercise, meditation, and prayer. I constantly redirect my thoughts to live in the now and not focus on my past bad experiences. I work on my mental health like it’s my job. I want you to do the same.

I’m sending you big hugs, love, and intent for your own healing journey.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

LeeAnn Werner

LeeAnn Werner is an author and speaker regarding dysfunctional families. Her books, The Illusion of a Girl and The Illusion of a Boy are young adult thrillers based on her own childhood where she struggled to survive her violent alcoholic father. She hopes her story inspires others to move beyond their dysfunctional families and stop the cycle of abuse. You can check out her webpage and blog at www.illusionofagirl.com.

With panic attacks conceived of erroneously as having a heart attack, I found quitting smoking not so difficult. Fear, rather terror, is a great motivator to quitting something, though perhaps not without consequence. Alcoholism. After fifteen years of heavy-duty alcoholism, with years of psychotherapy from a patient-therapist, I found the strength to quit drinking. With that avenue of sedation withdrawn from my arsenal of sedative choices.

Now coffee, my daily, mostly un-noticed craved addiction has been with me for I don’t even know how many decades. I am in my sixties now and started coffee when I was, what, sixteen? So, around forty-five years hooked on coffee, and not considering it an addiction, yet it truly is or can be. Everything soothing can be an ‘addiction’ to one with an addictive personality and an anxiety monster to soothe. Caffeine can be addictive, and I know coffee is a strong, and relied upon stimulant, a crutch. There was an enormous effort required in putting down the cup along with needing to tell myself it was the ‘source’ of high levels of psychic pain and dysfunction.

I have periodic panic attacks and am subject to bouts of major depression of varying durations along with other problems and ‘traits’ that have today come to be known as symptoms of the condition called C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), or DTD (Developmental Trauma Disorder).

Four decades on a drug and you lose perspective of what is causing what and/or what is helping what

The problem is, after twelve days of no coffee, it became clear to me that my anxiety problems were not caused by the coffee but were a part and parcel of my condition, C-PTSD. So long have I been on coffee that I truly wasn’t sure of this, or at least needed to re-verify to me the out-of-control nature of this psycho-emotional and dissociative condition.

Four decades on a drug and you lose perspective of what is causing what and/or what is helping what. After two weeks now without the drug of caffeine so horribly and unknowingly depended upon, my state of consciousness is a more intense ‘pureness’ of symptom experience that left me longing for, no, actually ‘needing’ the coffee to find an equilibrium. I was just too miserable without it. Like an alcoholic experiencing the pain of detoxing from alcohol cessation? No, but a psychological addiction can be enormously powerful in its clutches on your behavior… clearly, I wasn’t ready to let go of that crutch, well, not completely.

As one who suffers from depression, coffee seems to bolster my body’s ability to tolerate the un-soothed psychic reactions to the disease I suffer. Without the coffee, the last ingested defense against anxiety is food, and I am already nearing seventy pounds overweight. “See the correlation between anxiety and obesity?” Perhaps this paper should have been titled “An Addictive Personality.” But it is not my fault, certainly not something I can just decide at any moment to stop obsessively indulging in sedating activities, like sex, food, coffee, drugs, alcohol, smoking… the list is endless. If it soothes and is available, it is used. Is sex addiction real? It is an activity that is soothing, ritualistic, and “distracting” from the moment, and like anything soothing to the spirit it can be used obsessively.

So, for an addictive personality, yes it can be ‘used’ as a method of soothing, addictively. Just thought I would put my two cents in on that controversy. As for sex having a chemical substance that leaves a person physiologically hooked, where you must have more and cannot control the chemistry involved, no. But sex addiction certainly does show the power of a psychological addiction. So, I guess yes, and no, is the answer from me.
For me, at this moment in time, to quit comfort-eating to soothe C-PTSD symptoms would be intolerable, and so it was with ‘complete’ cessation of coffee. Caffeine seems a drug that if ‘needed’ to be stopped, needs to be something one is weaned off. For one who tends to indulge ‘obsessively’ in all things that soothe the unbearable beast of anxiety, the act of bringing some control over an out-of-control indulgence… is a victory. “In all things, moderation,” was the statement and conclusion of the Buddha. Since coffee is a stimulant, it only makes sense that taken in too large a quantity it can exacerbate anxiety, but curiously, I found that coffee also soothes the edges of depression… in moderation.

So, that is my experience of the Twelve Days Without Coffee. It sure beats the hell out of using opiates or other soothing disastrous ingestions one could take. One cannot stop abruptly a source of needed comfort without replacing it with ‘something’ else that helps calm the beast. “The beast just can’t be handled, man.” So, says ‘The Dude.’ All hail the dude. Well, excellent, funny movie anyway, “The Big Lebowski.”

Above was to be the end of this experiment, and my thoughts on going without coffee. Having talked of an obsessive-compulsive character trait of ‘overindulgence’ of soothing, distracting substances, coffee. My second cup of the day after finishing the writing above, the first cup had relieved the distress of feeling so very out of sorts without coffee, and yes, the twelve days later. But simply starting into that hungered-for-second cup, I just don’t know what is up with me. It feels almost as if a reaction now to a brain injury I have, being activated, the remembrance of which is now dawning upon me. (Too much chronic binge drinking… seriously. Be aware and warned: long-term daily binge drinking can permanently damage your brain.) One of the reasons I had thought and experimented with quitting coffee was to see if the brain damage was being activated by the caffeine. Such a toxic sense of cloudy-headedness and distress at times. Nah, it is probably just Complex PTSD symptoms.

This is such a conflicting situation. No coffee and I am so out of sorts with craving it, I did not want to endure any longer without it. And now with too much, I feel like I have awoken a ‘different’ sleeping giant from the extreme dysregulated symptoms of C-PTSD. A cloudy-headedness that begs me to stop the coffee, which is in distinct contrast to my overriding addiction telling me to keep imbibing and you will conquer the moment with an ingested distraction, in the moment. It is always about the moment in life, isn’t it? There is no other time which we live in, only the present moment. The goal it seems, to the beast soother, is to bring comfort to the moment, ignoring the long-term goal of extinguishing ‘another’ crutch. At some points, I strive to walk without any crutches. Somewhere in there is a choice hiding, but I don’t see it at the moment… yet, at least with regards to coffee. Just keeping it honest.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Jesse Donahue

*Copyright notice. All writings copyrighted and registered with the Library of Congress.

Therapy has helped improve my self-understanding as well as writing skills through journaling and essays. Although this writing journey began in later years, it has led to 70+ essays oriented around issues with CPTSD – a trauma disorder.

My writings, which include therapy notes, poems, novels (unpublished), and essays, are all a part of my ongoing personal therapy. Initially, the essays, intended for my therapist’s eyes only, began with exposing my thoughts, fears, and feelings, or the lack of, onto paper, a journal of therapy notes. Then, with fear overcome and via a personal decision, I shared them with the readers. *My thanks to Paul Michael Marinello, the editor of the CPTSD Foundation. My intent is to encourage readers to recognize traits in themselves and find (if desired) a therapist when they are willing and ready for that step. For some of us, it can be a long and challenging process, over extensive periods, to awaken to the unconscious issues that cause us to act out in life. Our behavior may seem like dancing to a buried, invisible cause we cannot directly see or confront. It is my sincere hope that my insights will assist the reader in the process toward reaching a deeper self-understanding.

Bringing the unconscious out into the light of self-awareness, understanding, and acceptance fosters self-love and the process of change.

 Jesse B. Donahue

*Type a keyword into the foundations search engine. (Jesse, Heart, Personal, Twelve, Bugaboo, etc.) Or, Type Jesse Donahue at The CPTSD Foundation on a Google search.

Published with the CPTSD foundation. Top 10 essays in order of number of views:

1.  ** Personal Honor, Integrity, Dignity, Honesty
2.  ** The Heart of the Matter
3.  * The Smoldering Embers of C-PTSD
4.  * The Hidden Bugaboo (Parts 1-4 of 4)
5.  Twelve Days Without Coffee
6.  Learned Helplessness
7.  Cast Out of Eden by Toxic Shame
8.  *Codependency – Overriding the Monster of Self-Hate
9.  The Emptiness of Yesterday
10.  Surfing the Light Through the Darkness

However, for some survivors who have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, this time of year is especially hard because they also have compulsive buying disorder. This article will focus on these mental health issues and, at the end, list some things you can do to help yourself if you suffer from them.

What is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

To understand how complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) and compulsive buying disorder (CBD) go together, we must first tackle what the two disorders are.

First, let us examine CPTSD. Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is a condition caused by repeated child abuse of any kind. Some types of child abuse are sexual, physical, emotional, narcissistic abuse, and neglect.

Unfortunately, childhood trauma is not rare: it is estimated that 70% of adults in the United States have experienced some type of childhood trauma. In addition, of the 90% of children who have experienced sexual abuse, 33% of those children were also exposed to community violence. To add, 77% of children who are involved in a school shooting will develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (the National Council for Behavioral Health).

Adults who grew up experiencing repeated abuse have many problems associated with complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Mental health problems that often accompany CPTSD include depression, anxiety disorders, and substance abuse disorders.

Symptoms that are found with complex post-traumatic stress disorder include:

Negative self-perception, such as seeing oneself as not worthy of love and, in some cases, feeling unworthy of life. The person may also suffer from imposter syndrome, during which they feel they are faking, and someday someone will figure that out.

A lack of emotional regulation. For example, explosive anger and ongoing sadness cause problems in personal relationships and friendships. It should be obvious how CPTSD causes harm to a person’s marriage or employment.

Difficulty with relationships. People living with CPTSD avoid others and often mistrust them. These folks may also not understand how to interact with others and fear forming new relationships.

Changes in consciousness. Those who live with CPTSD often feel dissociated (detached) from their emotions and body, causing them to stare off into space and look disinterested in their surroundings. Changes in consciousness often cause memory problems, which make their situation worse.

What is Compulsive Buying Disorder

Compulsive buying disorder (CBD) occurs when someone has an uncontrollable need to shop and spend, leading to distress or impairment. CBD negatively affects not only the person doing the shopping but also those around them as money is often spent that they do not have.

One research paper describes CBD as follows: “Compulsive buying is chronic, repetitive purchasing that becomes a primary response to negative events and feelings and may include symptoms equivalent to craving and withdrawal” (Lejoyeux et al., 2010).

There are many reasons why someone shops compulsively, including the following.

• Having an underlying mental health condition such as depression or anxiety
• An uptick in boredom or stress
• Trying to cope with negative emotions

Childhood trauma has been associated with many types of self-regulatory difficulties in adults, including compulsive buying behavior. Research performed by Sansone et al., 2013 used a self-reporting method on a sample of 370 patients, asking about five types of childhood trauma before the age of 12. The researchers found that there were specific correlations between childhood trauma and compulsive buying disorder, particularly those who were found to have witnessed violence and/or experienced emotional abuse.

Some of the symptoms of CBD are as follows:

• Obsessing over making purchases daily or weekly
• Shopping to cope with stress
• Steal or lie to continue shopping
• Feeling regret over purchases but find they cannot stop
• Buying unnecessary things that go unused
• Feelings of intense euphoria or excitement after buying something
• Maxing out credit cards or opening new ones without paying them off
• Being incapable of paying off debt incurred by compulsive shopping
• Trying and failing several times to stop the shopping

It is easy to see how distressing compulsive shopping disorder is to those who have it and the ones they love.

Are Compulsive Buying Disorder and CPTSD Related?

Having complex post-traumatic stress disorder and overspending go hand-in-hand in that compulsive buying disorder is used as a method to self-soothe. Sometimes, people who have experienced childhood poverty use shopping to improve their self-esteem.

Research has shown that the compulsion to shop and spend money is connected to childhood trauma, especially witnessing violence and experiencing emotional abuse. As we have stated, complex post-traumatic stress disorder is caused by exposure to childhood violence. Thus, the two are connected and have similar symptoms.

Other disorders associated with compulsive buying disorder include:

• Anxiety disorders
• Depression
• Mood disorders
• Poor impulse control
• Substance use disorders
• Eating disorders

Having both CPTSD and compulsive buying disorder is hell on earth.

Four Stages of Compulsive Buying Disorder

Compulsive buying is not just an action; it has predictable stages that occur before, during, and after spending. The four stages are explained below.

1. The person living with compulsive buying disorder begins to have thoughts and cravings to go shopping. The person may focus on the act of shopping, or they may have a certain item in mind.
2. Preparation to shop. The person with CBD begins to search for sales and rebates to qualify for their shopping and decides to go.
3. The thrill of shopping for bargains begins giving the person with CBD euphoria while doing it.
4. The person will buy something or sometimes many things, and the person with CBD will feel remorse when the shopping has ended. They may be disappointed about the money they have spent only afterward.

Compulsive buying disorder may follow disappointment, stress, fear, or anger. This person may feel their shopping is out of control but is powerless to stop it from happening.

The diagnostic criterion for compulsive buying is an over-preoccupation with buying and distress because of shopping.

Clearly, someone with compulsive buying disorder needs help with ending their cycle and the pain and suffering overspending causes.

The Treatment for Compulsive Buying Disorder

Ceasing buying cannot treat a shopping addiction, as people must buy what they need to function. However, one method to treat CBD is for someone with the condition to turn over control of their money to someone else.

Perhaps a better choice of treatment is cognitive behavioral therapy or individual counseling with a mental health professional. In these two types of therapy, the person with a shopping addiction and people with a compulsive buying disorder learn impulse control and how to identify their triggers.

If the shopping addiction is from deeper emotional problems caused by a mental health condition, some types of medication intervention may help. Only a mental health professional can determine if you need medication.

The purpose of treatment is to interrupt the self-perpetuating cycle of shopping addiction by facing the issue and developing new, healthier ways of thinking, acting, and feeling their emotions.

Some people receive help from 12-step groups, but, while these groups do offer support, they are not right for everyone.

Ending Our Time Together

Shopping addiction is a serious condition that should not be ignored. If you suffer from compulsive buying disorder, you are not a failure, nor are you evil. You have an addiction, and, like other addictions, you need help to heal.

Don’t bog yourself down with guilt if you have CBD. Instead, you need to realize that you are suffering from a mental health disorder and not to blame. However, if you do not reach out for help, you are the cause of your lack of funds and are responsible for any bills you may incur or that go unpaid.

If you need assistance, please seek out professional help immediately. If you don’t know where to go, you can call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. The call is a confidential and free resource that is available 24 hours a day, 365 days per year. The service is offered in English and Spanish.

You can also visit the online treatment locator or send your zip code via text to message: 435748 (HELP4U).

Another great resource for finding help is to contact your insurance carrier and ask them for a referral.

“Don’t allow your own insecurities to keep you away from the career or lifestyle you believe you deserve.” – Germany Kent

“Look beyond your current circumstances to future happiness, wholeness, wealth, and new beginnings.” – Germany Kent

References

Lejoyeux, M., & Weinstein, A. (2010). Compulsive buying. The American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 36(5), 248-253.

Sansone, R. A., Chang, J., Jewell, B., & Rock, R. (2013). Childhood trauma and compulsive buying. International journal of psychiatry in clinical practice, 17(1), 73-76.

Pride Program

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who personally understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, don’t hesitate to contact the support team of CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

When you are a survivor of severe and repeated childhood abuse, you often equate the holidays with sour memories of what happened. To make matters worse, the stores are all dressed up with Christmas decorations and Christmas music blaring from the ceiling.

In this article, we will attempt to tackle how to survive holiday cheer when you have complex post-traumatic stress disorder.  

This is Not the Past

Did you experience hell when you were a child during the holiday season? If you have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, the answer is a resounding most likely. CPTSD forms as a result of experiencing repeated abuse and neglect, and because of the memories of those times, we equate Christmas back then to the holidays now.

The confusion of now and then is complete when you throw in flashbacks and attend dinners and parties with people who were complacent in your abuse. Even if they did not touch you, you may still remember the fact that these people did not help you when you needed them most.

Christmas today is a different animal because you now have the power to control your life, including who you are around during the holidays. Focus on the fact that you, as an adult, can say yes or no to people when asked to attend a function.

The word no is a complete sentence.

Feeling the Pressure to Make Christmas Perfect

Christmas isn’t pleasurable for many Americans, as 41% strive hard to make their Christmas perfect, something no one can achieve.

They bake cookies, hang stockings, and decorate their homes and lawns, yet they still feel they have fallen short on Christmas day. Americans especially have an inflated expectation of what makes a perfect holiday season. However, those who have lived through complex trauma and now have complex post-traumatic stress disorder feel overwhelmed by all the ho-ho-ho and jolliness.

It is critical to understand that there is no such thing as the perfect Christmas and that what you expect is genuinely just a fantasy. No family gets along 100% of their Christmas’ and life throws curves at all humans, making Christmas a traumatic time of year.

Those of us who have addictions especially suffer because we believe and have unfortunately been told that they are the cause of a ruined Christmas. However, it is equally valid that everyone in America has been misled by well-meaning folks looking for a scapegoat during the holidays.

Yes, addictions are sometimes the root cause of much misery during the holidays, but it is certainly not the only cause.

What Are Holiday Blues

We have heard and experienced the holiday blues occasionally, a temporary feeling of being down when others enjoy themselves. However, people who have complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) formed because of childhood abuse suffer during the holiday season.

Survivors find themselves struggling to keep their heads up because they are haunted by expectations and memories of what happened long ago. Indeed, according to a NAMI (the National Alliance on Mental Illness) survey, people living with a mental health diagnosis have more difficulties during the holidays. They found that 24% of survivors and people who have a diagnosed mental illness find the holiday season makes their condition much worse, with 40% claiming it made them feel somewhat worse.

NAMI includes in their article on the holiday blues some points to consider.

• Those who have a mental health diagnosis are often negatively affected by the holidays.
• The holiday blues are not mental illness. Instead, it is a short-term mental health condition.
• The holiday blues must be taken seriously because such feelings can lead to depression and anxiety.
• Alcohol is a depressant that can cause more stress and depression.

Keep reading for some tips on overcoming the holiday blues.

Mental Illness and the Holiday Season

Those of us who live with the effects of complex trauma find it very hard to be cheerful when everyone else seems to be enjoying themselves. However, our viewpoint of how others are happy differs from the fact that 38% of people surveyed said they were living with increased stress that can lead to physical illnesses and substance abuse.

Often, survivors must decide to be involved with their family of origin during the holidays or to remain alone or with friends. Deciding to be with family brings with it flashbacks to childhood abuse and possible arguments over differing opinions, leading to feelings of overwhelm.

There are five tips I can offer to help you manage your mental health during the holiday season.

1. Manage your holiday expectations. Don’t expect your dysfunctional family to behave themselves just because it is Christmas. Keep your expectations low, and you won’t be overwhelmed when they aren’t met.
2. Let go of the fantasy. Norman Rockwell was a painter for the Saturday Evening Post; he did not draw from experience. The families he portrayed in his pictures do not exist. Let me repeat: those people who look so happy in Norman Rockwell’s paintings are NOT real. They didn’t exist then, and they do not exist now. They were a fantasy.
3. Check to see if you are okay. If you must visit family on a holiday, watch how you feel mentally. If you are overwhelmed, use courtesy and dismiss yourself from the situation. Go home and rest. Doing so does NOT make you a bad daughter or son.
4. Plan ahead. You do not need to remain with your family for the entire time. Instead, plan how long you will expose yourself to your family and, if needed, go into the bathroom and lock the door until you feel calmer.
5. Use deep breathing exercises. Use deep breathing to help yourself remain grounded.

If you have a mental health diagnosis, it is critical to keep up and improve your self-care. Remember to eat well, drink plenty of fluids, and care for your body’s needs. No matter what happens or what you believe might happen, you must take good care of yourself.

What May Help You Survive Better

We’ve identified many ways survivors struggle during the holidays. Now, let us fill in the blanks about what you can do to help yourself feel better.

You can do six things to feel better during the holiday season.

1. Practice self-care. Because the holidays are triggering for survivors, self-care can become a problem. Focus on both your physical and mental health by eating proper food, avoiding alcohol or drugs, and keeping an eye out for emotional overwhelm. Treat yourself well, and your Christmas will go more smoothly and have less of a negative effect on you.
2. Validate how you feel. While society insists that you be cheerful, this is not always how survivors feel about Christmas. Society shames us if we feel negative emotions during the holidays. Understand and feel your emotions and validate and accept how you feel. Your emotions are neither good nor bad; they simply are.
3. Say NO. It is vital to understand that you are not required by law to allow others to trample over your feelings or to attend any holiday bashes. If a person or an event is triggering, you can say the little word ‘no’ and feel guilt-free for doing so.
4. Set firm boundaries. Before the holidays, consider what you can tolerate and cannot. There is no need to feel you must invite your abuser(s) to any function you attend or even acknowledge your abuser(s). If your abusers are invited, stay home. If you feel a topic is off-limits, by all means, let your feelings be known, and if others at the function do not respect your boundaries, you have the right to leave.
5. Plan ahead for triggers. Planning to manage how to handle triggering people, places, or things is advantageous. Plan to practice mindfulness, deep breathing, walking, or leaving the situation.
6. Skip the family. Instead of spending time with people who trigger you, maybe it is time to consider spending the holidays with supportive people. You don’t need your family of origin if you plan to celebrate with a family of choice.

There are many other things you can do to minimize the trauma of holiday time; indeed, too many to list in this piece. Just know that you are no longer a victim, and you alone control where you go and who you see on Christmas day or any other holiday.

Ending Our Time Together

The holidays aren’t meant to be a time of suffering. Rather, the holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and love. I have found two families of choice that sustain me during these holidays and the dark days of winter.

Reach out and volunteer at Christmas. Help feed people experiencing homelessness or spend time with veterans instead of going to your family member’s house where you are mistreated. Seek out families of choice in senior centers or other local groups. If you wish, you can also find a marvelous family of choice by joining an online support group.

Keep your therapist’s phone number or email address near, but try not to disturb them if you can because they deserve a good Christmas, too. The day after the holiday ends, call or write to your therapist if you need support.

Don’t worry; there are three more pieces in this series after this one to help you get through the holidays without losing your mind. Please keep in mind that you survived the abuse that caused you harm, and you can survive the holiday season, too.

“Even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.” — Stephen Chbosky

“Don’t let your struggle become your identity. Your illness does not define you. Your strength and courage do.” – Unknown

And now for some more helpful information:

PRIDE Program

CPTSD Foundation wishes to invite you to our Pride Program, offered weekly on Circle. In Pride, we discuss important topics related to complex trauma and how it has affected our lives. The program is led by a fantastic person who personally understands the issues facing the LGBTQIA+ community.

Come as you are, take what you like, and leave the rest.

The program is offered every Thursday at 7 pm Eastern time through the Circle app. If you are interested, you can find information here. If you are interested, please get in touch with the support team of the CPTSD Foundation and sign up.

We look forward to seeing you there.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com