Guilt | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org The Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research Wed, 06 May 2026 11:31:28 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://cptsdfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/cropped-Daily-Recovery-Support-Globe-iPad-Fav-32x32.png Guilt | CPTSDfoundation.org https://cptsdfoundation.org 32 32 Anger: Is It the Poison Slowly Killing You, or the Antidote That Can Save You? https://cptsdfoundation.org/2026/05/06/anger-is-it-the-poison-slowly-killing-you-or-the-antidote-that-can-save-you/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2026/05/06/anger-is-it-the-poison-slowly-killing-you-or-the-antidote-that-can-save-you/#respond Wed, 06 May 2026 10:00:00 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987503467

Tobie’s Story

Tobie sat in their car, knuckles white against the steering wheel, jaw clenched so tight their teeth might crack. They had just left yet another family gathering where their boundaries were trampled, their feelings dismissed, and their experiences minimized. The familiar heat rose in their chest, spreading up their neck, making their ears burn.

“Stop it,” they whispered to themselves. “Just let it go. You’re overreacting.”

But the anger wouldn’t subside. Instead, it swirled inside Tobie like a storm gathering strength. They’d learned early that anger wasn’t welcome in their childhood home. “Don’t you dare raise your voice.” “Stop being so sensitive.” “You have nothing to be angry about.” These messages had been hammered into them since before they could remember.

And yet here it was again—this overwhelming force that felt too big for their body. Tobie didn’t know what to do with it. Sometimes they’d push it down until it became a hard, cold stone in their stomach. Other times, it would erupt unexpectedly, leaving damaged relationships and crushing shame in its wake.

As they sat there trying to breathe, tears of frustration welling up, Tobie wondered: Was this anger poisoning them from within? Or was it trying to tell them something important—something they needed to hear?

Understanding Anger: What It Really Is

Anger is one of our primary emotions—as natural and necessary as joy, sadness, or fear. At its core, anger is information. It’s your mind and body’s alert system telling you that something isn’t right, that a boundary has been crossed, or that you or someone you care about may be in danger.

Physically, anger is an energy surge designed to prepare you for action. Your heart rate increases, muscles tense, breathing quickens, and stress hormones flood your system. This physical response evolved to help us survive threats. When we perceive an injustice or threat, our bodies prepare us to protect ourselves.

But for survivors of narcissistic abuse and complex trauma, anger becomes complicated. When you’ve grown up in an environment where expressions of anger were punished, where your emotional needs were invalidated, or where anger was wielded as a weapon against you, your relationship with this emotion becomes distorted.

Many survivors learned early that anger was:

    • Forbidden (“Nice people don’t get angry”)

    • Dangerous (“If I show anger, I’ll be abandoned or punished”)

    • Sinful (“Anger is a sin that separates you from God”)

    • Unproductive (“Anger doesn’t solve anything”)

    • A weakness (“You’re too sensitive/emotional”)

These messages create a deep confusion. Your anger arises naturally in response to mistreatment, yet you’ve been taught it’s wrong to feel it. This contradiction creates internal conflict that can last decades.Subscribed

A Roadmap for This Journey

In this article, we’ll explore the complex relationship between trauma and anger, looking at when anger acts as a poison in our lives and when it serves as a much-needed antidote. We’ll examine different types of anger, how it affects our bodies and brains, and practical ways to work with this powerful emotion rather than against it.

If you’re feeling shame about your anger or hopelessness about ever having a healthy relationship with it, know that this article offers concrete tools and perspectives that can help. Many trauma survivors have transformed their relationship with anger from one of fear and avoidance to one of respect and partnership. You can too.

We’ll move from understanding anger at the individual level to examining how it functions in broader contexts like communities and systems. Throughout, we’ll return to our central question: Is anger the poison that’s making you sick, or is it the antidote to what’s actually poisoning you?

The Many Faces of Anger

Anger, like a fluid, takes different forms depending on its container and circumstances. For trauma survivors, it may show up in various ways:

Righteous Anger: The pure, clean anger that rises when witnessing injustice—either against yourself or others. This form of anger has propelled social movements, inspired change, and protected the vulnerable. It’s the anger that says, “This is wrong, and it needs to stop.”

Protective Anger: The fierce energy that rises to defend yourself or loved ones. For many survivors, they can access anger on behalf of others long before they can feel it for themselves. “How dare they treat my friend that way?” often comes more easily than “How dare they treat ME that way?”

Repressed Anger: Anger that’s been pushed down and denied, often resurfacing as depression, anxiety, or physical ailments. Many trauma survivors become experts at swallowing their anger, not even recognizing it as such.

Internalized Anger: When anger turns inward, becoming self-criticism, self-harm, or self-sabotage. “I hate myself for letting this happen” is internalized anger that’s lost its true direction.

Chronic Rage: A constant state of anger that becomes a baseline emotion, coloring all experiences. This often happens when there’s been no safe outlet or validation for legitimate anger over a long period.

Vengeful Anger: The desire to make perpetrators suffer as you have suffered. While a natural response to significant harm, this form of anger can become consuming if not addressed.

Coercive Anger: Using anger as a tool to control others, much like abusers do. Some survivors unconsciously adopt this pattern after seeing it modeled.

Displacement: Directing anger at safer targets rather than its true source. Snapping at a cashier when you’re really angry at your abusive parent is displacement.

Understanding which form your anger takes is the first step toward working with it rather than against it.

Anger in the Body: How It Feels When You’ve Been Disconnected

Many trauma survivors have become so accustomed to pushing anger away that they no longer recognize its physical signatures. Reconnecting with how anger feels in your body can help you identify and work with this emotion before it becomes overwhelming.

Anger might show up as:

    • A tightness or heat in your chest or throat

    • Clenched jaw or teeth grinding

    • Tension in your shoulders, neck, or fists

    • A knot or churning in your stomach

    • Shallow, rapid breathing

    • Feeling flushed or hot in your face and neck

    • Restlessness or the need to move/pace

    • Headaches or pressure behind your eyes

    • A surge of energy through your arms and legs

    • Difficulty concentrating on anything else

    • Unexpected tears or crying when trying to express yourself strongly

    • A feeling of pressure that seems to need release

For those who’ve disconnected from anger, these sensations might be misinterpreted as anxiety, panic, or even illness. Learning to name these feelings as anger is an important step toward healing.

For many people, especially those socialized as female, anger often comes out as tears—which can be incredibly frustrating when you want to appear strong or be taken seriously. If this happens to you, know that it’s a common physiological response, not a sign of weakness. Some people find that acknowledging this pattern out loud (“I’m not sad, I’m angry, and my body expresses anger through tears”) can help others understand what’s really happening.

The Neurobiology of Anger After Trauma

Understanding what happens in your brain and body when you experience anger can help normalize and manage these intense feelings.

When you experience a trigger, your brain’s alarm system (the amygdala) activates, sending signals that prepare your body for fight or flight. For trauma survivors, this system is often oversensitive due to past danger, meaning you might have stronger, faster anger responses even to minor threats.

At the same time, trauma can impact the part of your brain responsible for logical thinking and impulse control (the prefrontal cortex). This can make it harder to “think through” your anger in the moment.

“Flooding” occurs when your nervous system becomes overwhelmed with stress hormones, effectively shutting down your ability to think clearly. This explains why you might say or do things in anger that you later regret—your rational brain becomes less accessible during extreme emotional activation.

For those with complex trauma, the nervous system often operates from a place of chronic hyperarousal. Your baseline anxiety level is already high, so it takes much less to push you into anger or rage. This isn’t a character flaw—it’s your brain and body trying to protect you based on past experiences.

When Your Reaction Seems “Too Big”

Have you ever felt embarrassed by how strongly you reacted to something that seemed small? There’s a saying in trauma therapy: “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” This means that when your reaction seems disproportionate to the current situation, it might be connected to your history of trauma.

For example, a simple comment from a friend might trigger an intense anger response not because the comment itself was so terrible, but because it echoed similar comments from years of emotional abuse. Your nervous system doesn’t distinguish between past and present threats—it just recognizes a familiar pattern and sounds the alarm.

This doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. They absolutely are. But understanding the connection between past wounds and present triggers can help you navigate these intense emotions with more self-compassion. It’s not that you’re “overreacting”—it’s that you’re responding to the cumulative weight of many similar experiences, not just the current one.

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When Anger Becomes Poison

Like any powerful medicine, anger can heal or harm depending on how it’s used. Anger becomes poisonous when:

It’s chronic and unprocessed: Anger that remains unaddressed over time creates a state of constant stress. Your body stays flooded with stress hormones, wearing down your immune system, heart, and other vital functions. Chronic anger has been linked to heart disease, digestive problems, weakened immunity, and shorter lifespans.

It consumes your thoughts: When angry thoughts play on endless loop, they steal your present moment and your peace. This rumination keeps wounds fresh and prevents healing.

It becomes your primary identity: When “angry victim” becomes your main way of seeing yourself, it can keep you stuck in pain rather than moving toward healing.

It leads to harmful behaviors: Using anger to justify hurting yourself or others perpetuates cycles of harm rather than breaking them.

It prevents connection: When unmanaged anger becomes a wall between you and potential support, it isolates you when you most need connection.

It blinds you to nuance: Anger can sometimes create black-and-white thinking that oversimplifies complex situations and people.

It masks deeper emotions: Sometimes anger serves as a cover for more vulnerable feelings that may be harder to access or express. When we only experience the surface anger without recognizing what’s beneath it—like hurt, fear, disappointment, grief, or shame—we miss important information about our needs and experiences.

When Anger Is the Antidote

For many trauma survivors, accessing healthy anger is actually a crucial part of healing. Anger can be the antidote when:

It helps you recognize mistreatment: For those gaslit into doubting their perceptions, anger often emerges as the first clear signal that something is wrong. That surge of “No, this isn’t right!” can be the beginning of trusting yourself again.

It provides motivation to change: Anger can be the fuel that powers you out of harmful situations and into better ones. Many survivors report that anger was what finally gave them the strength to leave abusive relationships or set firm boundaries.

It restores your sense of worth: Feeling angry about mistreatment implies that you deserved better—a revolutionary concept for many trauma survivors. Anger says, “I matter enough to be treated well.”

It reconnects you with your power: Anger reminds you that you can take action and effect change. For those who’ve felt helpless, this reconnection with personal power is healing.

It validates your experience: Allowing yourself to feel angry about abuse confirms that what happened to you was wrong. This counteracts the minimization and denial that often accompany trauma.

It provides an exoskeleton: Anger can sometimes function as an exoskeleton—a hard outer shell that keeps you functioning when otherwise you might collapse. While not a permanent solution, this protective function of anger can be necessary during certain phases of healing.

It sets necessary boundaries: Healthy anger helps you establish and maintain the boundaries needed for your well-being, often for the first time.

It counteracts toxic shame: For many trauma survivors, existential shame—the false belief that there is something inherently wrong with you—acts as a poison in the psyche. Healthy anger can be the antidote to this shame, asserting “What happened to me was wrong” instead of “I am wrong.”

It cuts through numbness: When trauma has caused emotional numbing or dissociation, anger can sometimes be the first emotion strong enough to break through, reconnecting you with your capacity to feel.

Strategic Anger: The Medicine Cabinet

For some trauma survivors, especially those still in harmful relationships, anger can serve a critical purpose—not as poison hurting you now, but as a medicine you keep ready for when you need it.

When Holding Onto Anger Serves a Purpose

Malina’s relationship followed a painful cycle—criticism and control, followed by tearful apologies and promises to change. Each time, she felt her anger rise, but then questioned herself: “Maybe this time is different. Maybe I’m overreacting.” She forgave, her anger faded, and the cycle began again.

Over time, Malina realized that without her anger, she couldn’t maintain the resolve to leave. Each time she forgave, she lost the emotional fuel that almost propelled her to safety. So she chose to hold onto her anger—not out of spite, but as a resource. She wasn’t being vindictive; she was preserving medicine she knew she’d need.

This isn’t bitterness or rumination. It’s a conscious choice. In harmful situations—where leaving is constrained by finances, custody, health, or safety—anger can be a vital fuel for self-protection and eventual escape.

Anger as Protection Against Premature Vulnerability

“I can’t afford to let go of my anger yet,” Devon told his therapist. “If I do, I’ll start believing things are fine and drop my guard.” Devon’s anger wasn’t stubbornness—it was a shield, protecting him from vulnerability with someone who had repeatedly broken his trust.

In unsafe situations, releasing anger too soon can leave you exposed. It keeps you alert to patterns you might otherwise dismiss and guards you against the pull of gaslighting.

When Anger Preservation Happens Unconsciously

Sometimes, anger is preserved without conscious effort. Your nervous system, attuned to danger from past experiences, might maintain a level of protective anger without your deliberate effort. You might pick fights, remember past hurts seemingly “out of nowhere,” or feel irritable around someone who has harmed you—even when things seem fine.

Rather than judging this as “holding onto the past,” consider that your body might be protecting you in the most effective way it knows. Tobie, who we met at the beginning of this article, later realized their anger after family gatherings wasn’t just about what had happened that day—it was a safeguard rooted in a lifetime of boundary violations.

Timing Matters

Long-term, the goal is to process anger in ways that free you from its weight. But sometimes, the wisest choice is to say, “I’m not ready to release this anger yet. It’s keeping me safe.”

To use anger strategically, consider:

    • Containing it temporarily so it doesn’t overwhelm your daily life. You might visualize placing it in a secure container you can open when needed.

    • Distinguishing between strategic anger and harmful rumination. Are you maintaining awareness of critical truths, or endlessly recycling pain?

    • Acknowledging that this is a temporary strategy. In time, developing other protective skills will allow for fuller healing.

    • Being compassionate with yourself. Preserving anger for safety is an adaptive choice—not a failure.

Anger, when recognized as medicine rather than poison, becomes a resource—protecting you until you’re ready to create lasting safety and healing.

Processing Anger: From Poison to Antidote

The goal isn’t to eliminate anger but to transform it from a destructive force into a constructive one. Here are some approaches to begin this transformation:

Name it to tame it

Simply acknowledging “I am feeling angry right now” begins to engage your thinking brain and reduces alarm system activation. This simple act creates a tiny bit of space between you and the emotion, making it more manageable.

Practice: Next time you notice anger rising, pause and say (aloud or to yourself): “I am feeling angry right now. This is anger moving through my body.” Notice if this creates even a small shift in your experience.

Find the message in your anger

Anger always carries information. It might be telling you about:

    • A boundary that’s been crossed

    • A need that isn’t being met

    • A value that’s been violated

    • An old wound that’s been triggered

    • An injustice that needs addressing

Find more clarity by writing the following:

    1. What specifically triggered my anger? (Describe the situation)

    1. What boundary of mine might have been crossed?

    1. What need of mine isn’t being met?

    1. Does this remind me of something from my past?

    1. What would need to change for me to feel better?

If you’re having trouble identifying what’s beneath your anger, it can help to complete this sentence: “I’m angry because I didn’t get/have/receive _______.” or “I’m angry because _______ happened and it wasn’t fair/right/acceptable.”

Breaking the Rumination Cycle

When anger becomes repetitive thoughts that play on endless loop—replaying offenses or imagining confrontations—it can transform from a protective force into a drain on your well-being. This rumination keeps wounds fresh and steals your present moment.

For trauma survivors, rumination often serves a purpose: it can help identify patterns in abusive behavior and validate your experiences when you’ve been gaslighted. This is why simply telling yourself to “stop thinking about it” rarely works. Part of you may rightfully sense that this thinking process, painful as it is, serves a protective function.

However, when rumination becomes constant, it can keep you stuck in a state of heightened stress without moving you toward healing. Finding balance is key. Here are a few approaches that honor rumination’s protective intent while creating more space in your life:

Set boundaries around rumination: Rather than ruminating throughout the day, designate specific times to process these thoughts. “I’ll think about this during my 30-minute walk, but not while I’m with my children.” This contains the process without dismissing its importance.

Capture the insights: Keep a journal where you record patterns and realizations that emerge from your anger-based rumination. This validates that your mental work has purpose and creates a record you can refer to instead of needing to constantly keep the thoughts active.

Interrupt the physical cycle: When rumination feels overwhelming, change your physical state. Stand up, stretch, splash cold water on your face, or engage in brief intense exercise. This physical pattern-break can momentarily disrupt the thought cycle.

Engage your senses: Ground yourself in the present moment by naming five things you can see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste. This simple practice activates different neural pathways and provides temporary relief.

Remember that becoming skilled at managing rumination takes practice. Each time you gently redirect your thinking, you’re creating more choice about when and how to process your anger—even if the rumination returns minutes later. With consistent practice, you can develop more control over when you engage with these thoughts rather than having them control you.

Address the physical energy of anger

Anger creates a surge of energy meant for action. Finding safe ways to discharge this energy can prevent it from getting stuck in your body. If physical exercise feels overwhelming due to exhaustion from CPTSD or other health issues, even small movements can help:

    • Gentle options: Slowly squeezing and releasing your hands, shoulder rolls, gentle swaying, humming or making sounds, taking a short walk, rocking back and forth

    • Moderate options: Tearing paper, kneading dough or clay, gentle stretching, measured breathing

    • More vigorous options: Dancing, walking briskly, cleaning, gardening

    • High intensity options: Running, swimming, martial arts, screaming in a private space

Even if your anger feels hard-wired into your nervous system and too overwhelming to discharge, starting with just 30 seconds of one of these activities can begin to shift the physical experience.Subscribed

Express it appropriately

Learning to voice your anger in ways that aren’t destructive is a crucial skill. In situations where it’s safe to express your feelings directly:

Instead of: “You always ignore me, you’re so selfish!” Try: “I feel hurt and angry when my needs aren’t acknowledged.”

If you’re dealing with someone who might weaponize your “I feel” statements or use them against you, you might need more direct communication: “That doesn’t work for me.” “I’m not available for this conversation right now.” “I need to step away.” “This behavior is unacceptable.”

Remember that appropriate expression doesn’t always mean saying something in the moment. Sometimes writing a letter you never send or speaking your truth to a trusted friend is the safest way to express your feelings.

Look beneath the anger

Often, what appears as anger on the surface is actually masking more vulnerable emotions that might feel unsafe to express directly. Once the immediate intensity of anger subsides, ask yourself what else you might be feeling.

Common emotions beneath anger include:

    • Hurt: “I’m hurt that my needs weren’t considered.”

    • Fear: “I’m afraid this means I don’t matter.”

    • Disappointment: “I expected to be treated with respect.”

    • Grief: “I’m sad about what this relationship isn’t.”

    • Shame: “I feel exposed or humiliated.”

    • Helplessness: “I can’t control what’s happening.”

Write it out

Journaling about your anger—especially in uncensored, unfiltered ways that you don’t share with others—can help process the emotion without causing harm. Try writing a letter to the person you’re angry with that you don’t send, or simply dump all your thoughts onto paper without filtering.

Channel it constructively

Many survivors transform their anger into advocacy, creativity, or service that helps others. This doesn’t mean toxic “turning lemons into lemonade” thinking, but rather finding meaning that emerges organically from your experience.

Remember that anger’s visit is temporary

Even though it can feel eternal in the moment, anger, like all emotions, will naturally rise and fall if you don’t cling to it or push it away. If you’ve been angry for as long as you can remember, this might be hard to believe—but even chronic anger has waves and fluctuations. Noticing when your anger is even slightly less intense can help you recognize that it isn’t a permanent state, even if it’s been with you for a very long time.

If any of these approaches feel overwhelming or out of reach right now, that’s completely understandable. Trauma can make working with strong emotions particularly challenging. Keep reading for guidance on what to do when anger feels unresolvable.

 

 

Read the rest of this article in Ellen’s first book of her “There’s A Word for That” series: https://a.co/d/02U7m1gT

Copyright Notice: This excerpt is from my book. All content is © 2025 Worldwide Groove Corporation. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited. Thank you for respecting my work. 😊

 

This article is in the first book of Ellen’s series “There’s A Word for That”. Order on paperback or Kindle here https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FKJ8YJ2F

Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2026/05/06/anger-is-it-the-poison-slowly-killing-you-or-the-antidote-that-can-save-you/feed/ 0 Restoring My Spirituality After Years of Religious Abuse https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/07/16/restoring-my-spirituality-after-years-of-religious-abuse/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/07/16/restoring-my-spirituality-after-years-of-religious-abuse/#comments Tue, 16 Jul 2024 09:39:11 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987489319 As a trauma survivor with nowhere to turn, I did what so many desperate and lonely do: I sought Jesus. 

Having grown up in Texas, Christianity was the only belief system I knew, so I found the dusty Bible in the back of my closet and opened it. I was soon filled with a deep love for my faith and started researching more and more about my God. I found a profound sense of hope in believing that there was more to life than the suffering I knew and that there was a better world awaiting me. 

I went to college in a state that was far from my hometown and where I had no family. Finding that adjustment hard, I found a ministry on campus to meet new people. Everyone was welcoming, and we played all sorts of fun games each week and went on camping retreats every semester.

Without even realizing that what was happening wasn’t a healthy way of worship

With time, I desired a deeper understanding of the Bible, so I branched out of the ministry and started church-hopping around the city with my friends from the ministry. Seasons changed, and my friends started getting married and going their own ways out of state until I ended up on my own. Ultimately, my desire to find a strong faith led me to end up at a few different churches that were abusive and controlling, and I ended up enduring about six years of religious abuse at different churches without even realizing that what was happening wasn’t a healthy way of worship. At the time, I didn’t realize that even in religious communities, we must exercise caution with the people we put our hearts out to. When I was fed up with the bad experiences at one church, I didn’t give up on my search for meaning and continued to another church, putting my heart out there repeatedly. In retrospect, my vulnerability was too easy to spot, and people took advantage of that. I trusted that the leaders and other church members “knew more” than I did due to their credentials (many of them had doctorates in theology) and had the answers to life that I was so desperately seeking. So, I blindly followed them, never questioning their motives. (However, their doctrines and denominations all disagreed with each other and argued with each other, believing that their doctrines and congregation members were “superior” to the others, even though they were all Christians, which only heightened my confusion.) 

Developing Religious OCD and Living in Fear

Looking back, my experiences at those churches were very intense. What I endured was so extreme that I started to have religious OCD, where I compulsively began to recite Bible verses I memorized and prayers of repentance, continuously asking God to forgive me for how “awful” I was. My mind was constantly racing, believing that almost everything I did, said, and thought was sinful and that any ounce of joy I experienced from God was “grace” since I was such a horrible person. My apartment counter was filled with stacks of notebook paper with all the verses I repetitively wrote out to memorize so that I could recite them in my head whenever I felt the need to repent throughout my day. I had numerous chapters of the Bible memorized, mostly ones on forgiveness and sin, because I thought that to appease God and avoid eternal damnation, I had to be completely forgiven for how awful I was, and I thought the people in my life who thought negatively of me had to forgive me for the “sins” I committed against them (I use “sins” in quotes because, in all these situations that I thought I was the one in the wrong, I was actually the victim). Being involved in these places also made me adopt even more self-guilt and blame than was already present from all the trauma I had endured, and I started to believe that the things I experienced in these religious communities were some form of punishment for who I was and that I deserved to be punished by God. I started to believe that maybe God didn’t really love me and that I needed to spend my time “working off” my sins and changing all the things about me that were “wrong.” All these thoughts were swirling in my head at a hundred miles per hour each day as I dealt with full-time work and school, making life and focusing on my personal goals even more difficult. 

After years of believing that these religious people were there to help me heal, I realized that was the last thing they wanted to do. They didn’t actually love me or care about my well-being. They were trying to control and manipulate me. They were trying to strip away my true essence, tell me I was never good enough, and “save my soul.” They just wanted to believe that they “saved” (who they thought) was a horrible, wretched person from her sinful ways and force her into the person that their God truly desired her to be. They told me I had to memorize this, read that, pray this way, give away my hard-earned money, throw out my closet, and buy the clothes they wanted me to wear. They even told me that, because I was a woman, I had to shut up and couldn’t open my mouth to ask my pastor any questions I had about the Bible.

I cried for over a week after a 60-year-old married man told me I was “temptation” for him, believing that was my fault and that I still wasn’t “covered up” enough. In these environments, my duty was to sit in the back of the building, look pretty, shut my mouth, and donate my money. Otherwise, I wasn’t good enough for God, and I wouldn’t make it into heaven. These things I mention are just the tip of a traumatic iceberg that I still hold tightly within me, among other traumas that have not left my lips.  

They did a fantastic job at convincing me of how awful I was and that I needed to change literally everything about myself. I needed to find my voice again. I needed to find God’s voice, too. I’m not even sure if there is a God anymore. If there is a God, I can’t picture that God as a kind, loving God. I can only picture the vengeful God of the Old Testament, ready to smite down an entire people for the smallest sin. The God these people taught me about is not a God I can worship. 

Not All Religious People Are Safe People

It’s a common myth that only weak people fall victim to religious abuse. Many doctors, lawyers, and well-educated people in the world congregated next to me and did the same things we were all told to do to gain admission to heaven. The psychological tactics are designed to terrify and control people. It’s unfortunate that some people in religious power prey on people desperately seeking answers and purpose. Looking back, I was convinced that they had the answers and the true path to heaven. I can’t believe how many years I spent terrified that God would throw me into hell because I wasn’t meeting these people’s man-made standards. 

I doubt I would have ended up in these situations if I hadn’t been a severe trauma victim. It was difficult for me to see the red flags at the time because I was desperately seeking a deeper meaning to life and an understanding of God. I don’t understand the motivation they had to control their vulnerable victims, but we were probably the only things in their lives that they could control, and they took the opportunity to do so. While their followers groveled at their feet for God’s forgiveness, they lived in a bubble, reminding themselves that they were above everyone else, immune to the very things they criticized. Through all of this, all the old wounds from my past trauma were wrenched wide open again, and I was living in a dystopian world, thinking that the big man in the sky hated my guts.

My heart hurts for other survivors of religious abuse. My heart hurts for those who think that they’re completely awful because of what “religious” people have said or done to them. 

It Only Made Me Stronger

I am slowly returning to my core self, and I will be stronger once I fully discard those old belief patterns. I’ve completely dissociated from many of those years and have no recollection of so many memories due to that dissociation. I no longer feel the need to try and change myself to please people who will never be pleased, and if people are hateful or make me uncomfortable, then they don’t belong in my life. If they want to judge me as a sinner, think I’m going to hell, or believe that their God smiles more favorably on them, then so be it. Their arrogance no longer intimidates me, it just saddens me. As if anyone has the right to decide who is worthy of God’s love and who isn’t. That’s not the kind of religious life that I want to live. And I know that’s not how the Jesus they claim to love lived either. I believe the stories of Christ found in the Bible are very beautiful and powerful, but it’s unfortunate that so many that claim to represent the love of Christ are incredibly hateful and spend their time trying to indoctrinate other people into adopting their same arrogance while being financially compensated to do so. I do not believe all Christians are bad people; I surround myself with many Christians who are the most loving people I have ever met. But what I realized for myself was that the Christians I was around all those years only loved me when I was conforming to their standards, donating my money, and submitting to their ruthless control.

I still believe spirituality can heal many people, and it is up to them to believe in what they choose. I do not judge another person for what they choose as long as they are a good person and do not use their religious beliefs to hurt or control others. My faith looks very different from what it previously did and is much healthier. From now on, I will pursue a spiritual life that works for me and does not keep me terrified, anxious, and judgmental of others. I will pursue a personal spirituality that does not take away from my core self, which enriches those who love me. I enjoy having conversations with people of all faiths to learn more about the world and understand how their faith helps them. I admire people who have a strong spirituality for themselves and do not allow the opinions, actions, or beliefs of others to affect their own beliefs. I also don’t judge others who choose not to believe in any higher power and find other ways to manage life in this tough world. Everyone is on their own timetable, and it’s unfortunate that many people judge others through the prism of their unbending sense of belief. While everyone has biases, we need to remember that everyone has a story and reasons as to why they have certain beliefs, and there is no way for one human being to understand another human being’s full story.

“Live and let live” is a philosophy that makes life much easier. It took me so long to adopt that philosophy and stop being so hard on myself, to stop believing all the dogmatic lies planted in my head, and start examining the abusive things that were done to me in the name of religion. It was hard, but I can finally say I’ve escaped those dystopian worlds I was in all those years and am no longer threatened by the people I once thought were so powerful.

And those people who stripped away my true essence during that time? They pose to the public as the representatives, leaders, and mouthpieces of a “loving God” and invite people into their houses of worship to do these things. However, all I hear are the words of Jesus when he admonished the Pharisees that they are like whitewashed tombs – beautiful on the outside, yet on the inside are “full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” 

Photo by Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/07/16/restoring-my-spirituality-after-years-of-religious-abuse/feed/ 2 Sexual Assault Awareness Month 2024 https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/05/31/sexual-assault-awareness-month-2024/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/05/31/sexual-assault-awareness-month-2024/#respond Fri, 31 May 2024 09:00:56 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987489167 #SAAM – the Sexual Assault Awareness campaign was last month. I wish I could write such things as: “If you have experienced sexual assault or rape, please go to the Police, talk to someone, anyone who could help you through this.” Sadly, I can’t because the reality is the experiences of victims and survivors of SA are still being dismissed, minimised, if not used as opportunities to hurt further those who are seeking help.

Rape Crisis: England and Wales give the following statistics: Between October 2022 and September 2023: 1 in 4 women (6.54 million in total) have been raped or sexually assaulted;
1 in 6 children have been sexually abused;
1 in 18 men (1.34 million in total) have been raped or sexually abused – as adults.

On the 15th of March 2024, Rape Crisis published the following article: Alarming scale of sexual violence and abuse on mental health wards. It reads: “These investigations have uncovered deeply concerning incidents and safeguarding failures within mental health inpatient settings – almost 4,000 sexual safety ‘incidents’ were reported between January and August 2023, perpetrated by a combination of professionals and fellow patients. We commend the enormous courage and tenacity of the survivors who came forward to speak about their experiences of sexual harassment, rape and sexual abuse, raising awareness of this issue.”

Charlotte Lynch, for LBC, wrote, on January 2024: 139 Met officers reinvestigated for rape and sexual abuse after being allowed to keep their jobs. “They  (The Operation Onyx  Team) checked 1,418 officers and 218 staff for missed investigative opportunities, which resulted in 139 live rape and sexual abuse investigations now being dealt with by the Domestic Abuse and Sexual Offences team.” 

Vikram Dodd, Police and crime correspondent for The Guardian, on Fri 9 Feb 2024: Met officers dissuaded children from making sexual abuse claims, report finds “Other failures listed in the damning official report include blaming children for ‘making poor choices’ Metropolitan police officers tried to put off children from making complaints about alleged sexual abuse and privately blamed young people for crimes suffered, a damning official report has revealed. Most investigations into child exploitation were rated as inadequate by His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC). Of the 244 cases it examined, 43 were graded as good, more than half (121) as inadequate and 80 as needing improvement.”

On the 3rd if September 2023, Ed Thomas – Special Correspondent – published on BBC News: Family courts: Children forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse. It reads: “Dozens of children have been forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse, a study has found. In some cases in the research, revealed for the first time by the BBC, the fathers were convicted paedophiles. In all cases, fathers had used a disputed concept in court known as “parental alienation”. The heartbreaking stories in the article demonstrate the little support found by protective mothers/parents, who are further abused by ex-partners and by the judicial system, separating them from their children and destroying lives instead of protecting them.
On the 17th of April 2024, Sanchia Berg, for BBC News, wrote:  Paedophiles could be stripped of parental rights under a new law

Speaking to BBC News, “Ms Harman said paedophiles who were guilty of that crime in the future would be “automatically deprived” of their parental rights.”  This is long overdue and needs to be implemented as soon as possible.

All these statistics and figures are just the tip of the iceberg. They certainly don’t reflect the profound damages (in mind, body and spirit) rape and sexual abuse/assault have on victims. For the last few years. There have been a few scandals relating to “celebrities” and individuals regarded as “powerful” and “hiding in plain sight.” Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, Epstein, Dan Schneider, Jimmy Saville. The list is endless. The same pattern occurs when those public figures are pulled out of the shadows, victims are treated as liars and publicly shamed: “Why did the victims speak sooner?” or “Instead of talking to journalists, why not go to the police?” Victims go to the police, and victims speak out (loud and clear), but they are the ones being relentlessly bullied: “Did you say NO?” – “Did you make it clear you didn’t want to?” “S/he/they are too powerful. Nobody will believe you.” – “It is just the s/he/they are! Let it go.”

Let’s not let the “high profile cases” make us forget all the children and adult victims and survivors in danger of sexual assault on a daily basis, at home, by a parent, a sibling, a family member, the church Priest, or the Scout coach. Perpetrators are everywhere. They are skilled liars and groom everyone around them to hide their dirty secrets, but it is clear that there is always some “rumour” or at least one person notices something but brushes it under the carpet. It isn’t that they are hiding in plain sight, it is that too many people know, but turn a blind eye.

The focus on prevention is missing the mark. Whilst educating children about personal and physical space and boundaries, “No, you can’t touch me there.” – “No, I don’t want to. Stop this” is important; it places the responsibility on the victims to stop the abuse when they, often, are too young to understand what is done to them and too young to defend themselves against an adult. The same goes for adults, especially women; “Don’t go home late and alone. Don’t listen to music when walking. Don’t wear this or that” and, again, the famous: “Make sure you make it clear: No is No” A rapist doesn’t care what a victim does or says.

A reminder: the only person entirely at fault is the abuser.

So, what needs to be done – beyond lovely slogans, #s, and prevention?

Education is needed to break all victims’ shaming and blaming myths.

Victims (big and small, and all genders) need safe places to go to and loving, supportive people around them. They need someone who holds space for all their emotions and experiences. They need to be heard.
They need professionals who do their job properly, defending them and holding the perpetrators to account.
Allies – non-abusive parents and carers – must be included in children’s care and safety plan and supported alongside their children.
Regardless of status, position of “authority”, bank accounts sizes, ALL PEPETRATORS should be arrested and face the consequences of their actions.
Law and legislation need to be changed so that supportive and protective parents can keep their children with them.

There is much to do and to be changed. Oftentimes, it feels hopeless.

Take gentle care of yourselves.

Sylvie

Helpful websites:

WE STAND: “Child sexual abuse affects the whole family. It can fracture family relationships and creates lasting trauma. We Stand takes a unique whole family approach to supporting victims of child sexual abuse and their non-abusing parents, carers, and siblings. We aim to ensure that all families impacted by child sexual abuse are supported to move on positively with their lives.”
Helping Survivors: “Our goal is to help people who have been impacted by sexual assault and abuse get the resources and assistance they need and deserve.”

The Survivors Trust – to find support in your local area

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/05/31/sexual-assault-awareness-month-2024/feed/ 0 What is Dysfunctional Shame? https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/03/14/what-is-dysfunctional-shame/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/03/14/what-is-dysfunctional-shame/#respond Thu, 14 Mar 2024 09:58:08 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=987488339

“Shame is the feeling of humiliating disgrace of having been violated. Shame tells you that you are bad.” (from Shelter from the Storm)

It becomes challenging to correct for shame because it is rooted in a negative belief. For example, “I am unlovable, because [fill in the blank – we all have different experiences that can lead us to this false belief].” Dysfunctional shame is, essentially, the belief that you are bad. It becomes a deep-rooted way of being that very much impacts our view of ourselves.

Additionally, I see dysfunctional shame as being born out of taking responsibility for something you have “no cause” in. In other words, dysfunctional shame is feeling bad because someone falls down; you feel responsible even though you didn’t trip them.

I think of it like a little equation: No Cause + Taking Responsibility = False Guilt/Shame

This is a defense mechanism. By blaming ourselves, we can deal with the fact that someone we trusted and adored is also capable of harming us. We long to protect the image and idea of the other person, and so blaming ourselves for something we did not cause is easier. However, if we continue to shame and judge ourselves we are guaranteeing that our lives will be mired in self-abuse, lack of joy, distrust, and lack of freedom.

Now, if your way of being is “the shameful one,” then you tend towards reinforcing the false beliefs that lead you to feel shame. As with any false belief, we will find the evidence to support our way of being. We will adopt the shameful message that we are worthless and, no surprise, we will interpret situations or, worse, find abusive people to help reinforce this attitude.

If you’d like to learn a bit about how to break out of these patterns of thought, be sure to join us for next month’s Thrive Tribe on Shame.


“Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong.” (from Shelter from the Storm)


Guilt is related to you being “at cause” for what happened. Guilt is tripping someone and then feeling bad about it. You can correct an action or behavior that leads to guilt. For example, you can apologize for tripping the person.

The equation goes like this: At Cause + Responsibility = Guilt

Guilt is a tricky beast. In its best form, it spurs us on to transform and change our behavior. In its worst, it can be used as a way to avoid facing reality. One of the payoffs of feeling guilty – of taking responsibility for abuse or unpleasant things that happen – is that we don’t have to face the fact that we were powerless and then face the grief that follows.

If your way of being is “the guilty one,” then you are constantly looking to reinforce the false beliefs that lead you to feel guilt or blame yourself. In any situation, you make yourself responsible for all that has occurred and fail to see the behaviors and choices of others that play a role in causing discord, upset, or breakdowns. More importantly, those around you very quickly learn that this is the role you will play, and so there is little incentive for them to evaluate their own behavior or make any corrections. By being the guilty one, you are essentially letting those around you off the hook and bearing the burden of responsibility on your shoulders alone. While there may be times when you truly are the only one at fault, if you have a deeply engrained belief that you are at fault all the time, you won’t be able to recognize when this isn’t the case. 

Now, let me be clear, I’m not saying we should never feel guilt or shame! Each of them has its proper place and exists, in part, to spur us on to better ourselves and to hold others around us accountable. I do want there to be a distinction though between feeling guilt or shame when the situation calls for it and defining oneself as the guilty or shameful one. The former brings about transformation, the latter only causes us to stay stuck in patterns of thought and behavior that keep us from living fulfilling, authentic lives.


To healing,

P.S. If you’re ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self session.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

]]> https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/03/14/what-is-dysfunctional-shame/feed/ 0 Unburdening the Heart: The Impact of Guilt on the Nervous System in CPTSD Recovery https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/01/09/unburdening-the-heart-the-impact-of-guilt-on-the-nervous-system-in-cptsd-recovery/ https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/01/09/unburdening-the-heart-the-impact-of-guilt-on-the-nervous-system-in-cptsd-recovery/#respond Tue, 09 Jan 2024 13:37:19 +0000 https://cptsdfoundation.org/?p=250689 Introduction:

Living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) can feel like navigating a stormy sea, with waves of past traumas crashing against the shores of the present. Among the many emotional tempests, guilt and misplaced guilt stand out as a formidable anchor, weighing down the heart and obstructing the path to healing. In this exploration, we delve into the intricate web connecting guilt, the nervous system, and the journey toward recovery from CPTSD. With a trauma-sensitive lens and healing tones, we’ll uncover the profound benefits of releasing this heavy burden.

Understanding Guilt in the Context of CPTSD:

Guilt, often a lingering companion for those with CPTSD, arises from the aftermath of traumatic experiences. Survivors may grapple with feelings of responsibility for events beyond their control, self-blame, or the sense of having failed to prevent harm. These emotions intertwine with the complex tapestry of CPTSD, intensifying the challenges of recovery.

The Impact on the Nervous System:

The nervous system, a delicate orchestrator of our physiological responses, bears the brunt of the weight of guilt. In CPTSD, where the nervous system is already dysregulated, guilt further disrupts the delicate balance. Chronic guilt including misplaced guilt can trigger the sympathetic nervous system’s “fight or flight” response, leading to heightened anxiety, hypervigilance, and a perpetual sense of danger.

The parasympathetic nervous system, responsible for rest and relaxation, is often under-active in CPTSD. Guilt acts as a saboteur, impeding the natural flow toward a state of calm and safety. This dysregulation contributes to the overall challenges survivors face in finding stability and a sense of control over their emotional landscapes.

Obstructing Healing:

Guilt erects barriers on the path to healing from CPTSD. It fosters a negative self-image, convincing survivors that they are unworthy of love and incapable of recovery. This internalized guilt can sabotage therapeutic efforts, hindering the development of self-compassion and acceptance.

Moreover, guilt and misplaced guilt often lead to avoidance strategies, where survivors shy away from confronting their traumas or seeking support. This avoidance perpetuates the cycle of suffering, preventing the acknowledgment and processing necessary for healing.

Benefits of Releasing Guilt:

Releasing the weight of guilt is a crucial step toward reclaiming agency and fostering a sense of safety. By doing so, survivors can experience several transformative benefits:

  • Restoration of Nervous System Balance: Releasing guilt allows the nervous system to recalibrate. As guilt diminishes, the sympathetic activation associated with these highly charged emotions is integrated the parasympathetic nervous system can regain control, promoting a state of balance and relaxation.
  • Empowerment and Self-Compassion: Letting go of guilt empowers survivors to rewrite their narrative. They can replace self-blame with self-compassion increasing vagal tone. Recognizing that they did the best they could under challenging circumstances dominated by an overwhelmed stress response.
  • Increased Resilience: Releasing guilt strengthens emotional resilience. Survivors can approach their traumas with a clearer mind, cultivating the capacity to cope with distressing memories without succumbing to overwhelming the nervous system with emotions.

How to Release Guilt:

The journey to release guilt is a nuanced process, and a trauma-sensitive approach is paramount. Therapeutic modalities such as somatic experiencing, mindfulness, and self-compassion practices can play a pivotal role. Engaging in trauma-informed therapy that promotes ‘safety within the system’, provides an effective container for exploring and processing guilt without re-traumatization.

Incorporating tones of healing and gentle language, one can reflectively journal or explore the following with their therapist:

  • Acknowledge and Validate Feelings: Encouraging recognition and validation of feelings of guilt without judgment. Validate the legitimacy of the emotions within the context of trauma.
  • Cultivate Self-Compassion: Develop and cultivate self-compassion by reframing the internal dialogue. Speak to oneself with the same kindness they would offer a dear friend.
  • Embodied Practices: Incorporate embodied practices such as breath work, progressive muscle relaxation, and gentle movement to help reconnect with the healing intelligence within the body in a safe and grounding manner.
  • Narrative Restructuring: Understanding the impact of the stress responses and trauma on their choices and behaviors, fostering a sense of self-understanding and self-forgiveness.

Conclusion:

This is not to replace therapy it is to help you understand the intricate dance of CPTSD recovery. Releasing the weight of guilt emerges as a transformative act of self-liberation. As we navigate the stormy seas of trauma, the gentle winds of healing tones and trauma-sensitive language guide survivors toward the shores of safety, resilience, and self-compassion. Unburdening the heart from the weight of guilt and misplaced guilt is not just a therapeutic endeavor; it’s a reclaiming of one’s narrative, a journey toward wholeness, and an affirmation of the inherent worthiness of every survivor.

 

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

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