In seventh grade, the children at my middle school traded their Nintendos and Polly Pocket dolls for iPhones and Barbie dolls–in the form of minions for their social cliques. Soon after the school year began, CHABELCK was established, and the name might as well have been trademarked.

So, what was CHABELCK? It was the official name of the “friend group” composed of all the popular girls in our class. I look back and chuckle at the name. They could have worked harder to come up with something catchier; to me, it sounds like the remnants of something a dog threw up! They simply took the initials of their first names and combined them into one word. Almost immediately after the group was created, the term CHABELCK and the girls who held that title loomed over the school, feared by all who encountered them. I took an observer’s perspective, watching in bewilderment as many of my innocent friends neglected our friendship to join CHABELCK–and consequently morphed into power-hungry monsters. 

CHABELCK’s presence at school was boisterous. The group’s name was plastered on binders, folders, and whiteboards. They took over online forums, cyberbullying other students whom they deemed unworthy of a spot in their cool kids’ club. A few members of CHABELCK were ultimately expelled from school, while others were disciplined. 

Groupthink, peer pressure, and tribalism throughout human history

I’ll never forget CHABELCK. It was my first exposure to the aggressive presence of tribalism and groupthink in our society. 

Why does the cacophony of the groups I’ve encountered throughout my life ring louder than the whisper of my own conscience? Humans are social creatures, and tribalism originated as a survival mechanism. We hunted and gathered to protect our own. He who strayed from the tribe vanished into the jaws of the enemy. To be excluded was to die. 

The battle between my internal desires and external expectations

Although tribalism is ingrained in my human DNA, I’m very much a free spirit. From a young age, conformity felt like an internal death sentence. I fought a daily battle between my disdain for Western civilization’s obsession with fortune and fame and my desire to escape into solitude. In environments filled with materialism and superficiality, I felt pressured to be someone I was not in order to be liked and accepted. The seduction of the herd was enticing. 

With every group I tried to join, I was eventually ostracized or, in some cases, viciously bullied out of them. Starting at a new school when I was thirteen, I quickly became the target of a situation of large-group interpersonal cruelty–the first of several such instances. This was the first time I came home from school expressing to my parents that I had thoughts of suicide. I switched schools, but the bullying continued as I navigated new peer environments. I tried hard to fit in, so that I wouldn’t be seen as an antisocial loser. Some mental health providers even pathologized the fact that I didn’t have friends. 

But even if I disregarded others’ opinions, I didn’t need a tyrant to criminalize me as a friendless outcast. Whenever I changed myself to fit in, I became my own jailer. Even when I was initially accepted into social groups, I felt like I had betrayed myself. I hated being like everyone else. The tug-of-war between my authentic self and my desire for acceptance was more painful than the rejection from those whose approval I craved. 

The anatomy of groupthink

I have developed intellectual friendships with social psychologists and philosophers like Arthur Schopenhauer and Solomon Asch, whose research and observations suggest that societal expectations of conformity can strip individuals of their freedom. As I reflected on my personal experiences with groupthink, I noticed some recurring patterns.

While these groups seemed powerful at the time (there is power in numbers, as they say!), they were actually quite weak. Much like the structure of a cult, these groups typically had a leader (or multiple leaders), with followers obediently trailing behind and idolizing them. When I interacted with these group members on an individual level, I noticed they were often insecure and relied on the group for validation. They frequently spoke poorly of other group members and revealed their secrets to me, indicating that their friendships were not genuine and that the group was performative. I recognized that if they spoke about their “friends” in this way to me, they were likely doing the same thing to me behind my back. 

My final straw before rejecting it all

I’ve learned the hard way that the petty high school behavior doesn’t stop after high school. When I moved to the countryside to begin my healing journey, I found myself isolated in a retirement town in the middle of nowhere, with a population of 1,942. I got to know a group of friends there, and was initially invited to their breakfasts and bonfires. I thought I had finally found my people. 

From the get-go, I had an internal inkling that, like with past groups, I would eventually be kicked to the curb. I found myself trying very hard to gain their approval. I changed my personality and overextended my generosity, spending money I didn’t even have in order to remain relevant to them. 

Unfortunately, my gut instincts turned out to be right. After the initial “love-bombing” phase, I was soon deemed unworthy of being in their presence. Around town, they went out of their way to make me feel inferior–snubbing me, humiliating me in front of others, and playing mind games with hot-and-cold behavior. It was bizarre! For months, I ruminated, trying to figure out what I could do to be good enough for this group and to coexist with them in the tiny town without tension. But nothing I did was good enough. 

After a few months of continuous rejection and their attempts to stifle success in my healing, the stress finally took its toll on me. One night, I woke up with itchy legs. My entire body had broken out in hives! Over the next two weeks, I visited the emergency room four times. Each time the ER managed to control the hives, they returned again within 48 hours. I wondered if I had an allergy, and ended up driving to the big city to consult with an allergist. 

Facing the pain of rejection and uncovering subconscious memories

There was no allergy: the hives were stress-related. Yes, the rejection stung (and itched!) that deeply. The rejection didn’t hurt because these people were particularly special; in truth, they barely took the time to get to know me before they discarded me. If it had been strangers behaving this way, I would have brushed it off immediately, reminding myself that their actions stemmed from their own misery and insecurity. However, because I had met these people at the beginning of my cabin journey, they became my final hope of solidifying a friend group I could rely on for the rest of my life. When I was rejected, they became the symbol of all the interpersonal cruelty I had faced during my formative years.

It was painful to be ostracized by the people who promised me they would be on the other side of my success. Still, there was a silver lining: with each instance of being belittled by this group, I brought my feelings to my therapist. Together, we worked through the physical sensations I felt in response to these moments using a technique called brainspotting. During each session, subconscious memories connected to these emotions resurfaced–memories of the hurt I had experienced from groups in my peer environments and religious communities. Through brainspotting work, those buried memories were processed and healed. 

I will no longer participate in it

After years of chasing a dangling carrot held by various groups, I grew tired of hearing, “If you just do this… then you can finally sit with us.” I decided to stop trying to prove that I am “good enough” for these groups and instead realized that I am too good to participate in their infantile behavior. 

My entire life, I had questioned whether these kinds of people wanted to be friends with me. But things changed when I learned to ask myself, “Do I even want to be friends with them?” 

I refuse to march around in aggressive cults and pretend to have disdain for people and groups whose stories I know nothing about. I do not feel superior by making others feel inferior. I find no satisfaction in mocking or intimidating innocent people. I don’t enjoy latching onto narratives or rumors based on hearsay. I cannot bow in submission while my heart screams in protest. I refuse to trade my authenticity for acceptance. 

My path to true freedom

In a world where the crowd roars with confidence, my solitude felt like madness. But when I quieted my mind in the countryside, I discovered that my greatest fear as a radical nonconformist was not the herd itself: it was becoming like the herd. 

Today, I’m not a part of any friend groups, and I don’t want to be. I do almost everything alone, and I actually prefer it that way. Despite how medical providers pathologized my introversion in the past, I now know there is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. Once I found freedom in my individuality, I no longer needed the approval of those I had previously put on a false pedestal. I’ve built authentic and easygoing friendships with people who have no agenda and do not require me to participate in activities that conflict with my values. 

I will not pretend to be someone I’m not just to feel like I belong. To me, true belonging means being at home within my own soul. I will continue to stand strong on my own two feet and keep my head held high, never surrendering to the crowd.  

Photo by Dibya Jyoti Ghosh on Unsplash

To my readers who have been following my journey: I am excited to share that I have created a personal blog called “Little Cabin Life.” This blog chronicles my healing journey, where I share my experiences and the things I am doing to support my recovery. You’ll also find tips that have been helpful to me along the way. If you’re interested in following my story, please feel free to visit www.littlecabinlife.com.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Natalie Rose

My name is Natalie, and I am a survivor of about 13 years of absolute psychological torture from Complex PTSD symptoms. For the longest time, I thought I was inherently sick and broken beyond repair. I spent over a decade running around in circles in the medical system trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me and how to “fix” it.

♡ What is Complex PTSD? ♡

Complex PTSD symptoms come from severe, prolonged, and numerous incidents of trauma, typically of a relational nature. Symptoms can come from any type of trauma, though, and the trauma doesn’t necessarily have to stem from childhood — adults can develop CPTSD as well. Trauma can damage the brain and shrink the hippocampus, causing many of the symptoms of CPTSD. I decided to go public with my story to be a voice for the voiceless. There are too many survivors being told CPTSD is a lifelong sentence, and they are not being given the tools they need to overcome their symptoms.

♡ My Story ♡

I endured multiple types of traumas starting at around age thirteen, including numerous situations of both individual and large-group interpersonal cruelty. Some of these situations forced me to switch environments. My body couldn’t fathom what was happening, and my nervous system shut down. I saw danger everywhere, operated in a panicked survival mode, and lived in fear, anxiety, and isolation. I did my best to appear “normal” on the outside, keep a smile on my face, and control what was happening on the inside, distracting myself with extreme workaholism and doing nice things for others. I took active steps to keep branching out in confidence again, but these traumas kept piling onto each other and overlapping. I wasn’t ready to give up yet, though, because I knew my family and friends would be distraught if I did. The most difficult and heartbreaking part of my story is that the two communities I set out to seek healing in—religion and the medical system itself—caused further trauma when some religious leaders, congregation members, and medical professionals chose to take advantage of my vulnerability for their own motives. In most of these situations, I didn’t even realize I was a victim until outsiders pointed it out for me and that my vulnerability made me a target of malicious people. Each future situation of being targeted was just salt on the wound of the original incident.

♡ My Struggles to Find Answers ♡

What I went through all those years was so severe, and my symptoms and physical body reactions as a result were so excruciating that I went as far as to see a neurologist, concerned that my symptoms were the result of some sort of nervous system disorder. However, he returned with no paperwork in his hands to inform me that there was nothing wrong with me but that I was simply completely traumatized, and my body reacted accordingly. I finally realized that my symptoms were not the result of an inherent mental or physical illness and began to take a trauma-based approach to my healing after many years of believing that I was “sick” for the rest of my life. My true progress began when I finally rejected the lies that were told to me that I would have to manage my symptoms for the rest of my life and made the decision to believe that I was fully capable of healing from my excruciating pain.

♡ Finding My Own Healing ♡

I am excited to share tips for natural, somatic, and holistic healing that have helped me overcome things like dissociation, flashbacks, sleep challenges, anxiety, hypervigilance, and more. I began to pursue unique methods of healing after many years of not seeing much progress through westernized care, and this was the catalyst for fast-tracking my healing. I aim to help survivors overcome their feelings of self-guilt, blame, and humiliation and help them realize that their bodies had normal reactions to abnormal situations.

I’m so glad I didn’t give up when my pain felt unbearable. I know what I’ve survived. I know the work I’ve put in to overcome it. I am finally living a life of consistent peace and contentment, and I am sharing my story from the other side. I hope to encourage other survivors that there was never anything wrong with them to begin with and that they are capable of living healthy, happy, and fulfilled lives. I aim to live my life in love of both others and myself, understanding that everyone has a story of their own. I am grateful to the CPTSD Foundation for giving me an opportunity to share my story.

♡ Personal Blog ♡

To learn more about my healing journey, please visit my personal blog, “Little Cabin Life,” at:
littlecabinlife.com

Complex trauma survivors learned, likely early on, that people can’t be trusted — people aren’t safe, and they haven’t met your emotional needs. The history includes many let downs — those who were supposed to be safe and keep you safe, teach you to trust and have your needs met, provide secure attachment didn’t — and it impacted your life in ways that may continue into adulthood. Therefore, you had to find a way to survive, and it’s likely you have found creative ways to cope — making isolation (or even constant company) a survival strategy.

Do you fear getting close to others?

Someone who is using isolation as a survival or coping mechanism may say things like, “I like to be alone,” “I’m not really that social,” or “I don’t need a lot of friends” — even if, deep down, they crave connection. Understandably, based on their history, they find it safer to be self-reliant and not vulnerable with other people – other people have hurt them; being ‘social’ and ‘together’ feels too risky.

Sadly, isolation is becoming easier.

The COVID-19 pandemic and the subsequent increase in the virtual nature of our world have allowed for isolation to become more commonplace. It is easier to stay distant — texting instead of calling, emailing instead of seeing someone. This isolation also leads to people being more socially anxious and awkward (we are seeing this especially with young people)! Now, isolation isn’t just a coping method for trauma survivors, it’s also fueling more trauma (mental health issues, addiction and other maladaptive coping strategies) and preventing connection — even though connection is how we heal trauma.

And it’s not just those who are isolating who are attempting to cope with trauma…

On the flipside, are you afraid to be alone?

Not all trauma survivors want to be alone. Some desperately long for attachment and can’t tolerate being alone because it’s too scary and triggering. Solitude brings up the pain of abandonment, rejection, and never having their emotional needs met. They may constantly book their schedules with social events, participate in everything, and do whatever is necessary to always be in the company of others (even if the ‘others’ aren’t safe or healthy people).

Trauma survivors tend to go one way or the other: isolation or constant company.

If you’re a trauma survivor, it’s likely you relate to one of these extremes:

1. People hurt you, and you feel safer alone. While deep inside, you may long for connection, it feels too dangerous. This sometimes leads to loneliness, depression, anxiety, and the use of additional coping mechanisms like drinking, drugs, self-harm, or binge eating to emotionally self-regulate.
2. Being alone feels terrifying, and you avoid it at all costs. People didn’t meet your emotional needs, and you desperately crave connection. This sometimes leads to being with people who aren’t safe, having relationships that aren’t healthy, or taking part in behaviors that don’t make you feel good, like drinking, drugs, sex, or food restriction. And sometimes you still feel alone, even when you’re around lots of people.

Both extremes can lead to further trauma and prevent healing. These behaviors of extreme isolation or constant company and the fears that go with both for trauma survivors can also be categorized as part of a BPD diagnosis.  As a result of trauma, people act in ways that they think will help them survive — which is why we need a more trauma-informed view of borderline personality disorder.

Why is thinking so black and white for a trauma survivor?

Children don’t have abstract thinking. That develops later in the brain. So, if a child lived in danger at home, never knowing what would set off their parent, or they got hit for doing something, their brain translates that to: I can never do this again. It’s easier to be alone!

If a child’s emotional needs aren’t being met and they feel alone, their brain might translate that to: I must try harder to be loved … be with people all the time and keep trying!

Moving into adulthood with one of these belief systems can create some unhealthy and rigid behavior patterns that no longer serve trauma survivors who are now safe in their adult lives.

You can move to the middle, where there is comfort doing both.

Living in extremes is how many trauma survivors have learned to protect themselves. That kind of extreme was necessary in your childhood — it allowed you to not notice some things (hypoarousal) and/or be vigilant (hyperarousal) to notice everything! It was an incredibly creative superpower you had to develop to keep you alive. What do you do with that superpower now that you are an adult, who can be safe in your own body? Maybe it’s time to start taking small steps into the middle — the gray area — and see if the extremes are still necessary to keep you safe. Trauma-informed therapy can help.

Expanding your ability to be present in the moment — safely — allows you to notice what you need at that time. It allows you to explore the gray area — and by expanding your window of tolerance, you can have a good balance of connection and alone-time that creates for a life of self-trust, safety, including in relationships, joy and fulfillment.

Is black and white no longer working for you?

If you’ve met me, you know I wear all black nearly every day. Maybe the occasional white dress shirt with a black sweater. So, I say, let’s keep black and white thinking for our clothes!

If you’re scared to be with people…

Or you’re scared to be alone…

If your coping strategies are no longer working…

If you are using substances, self-harm, food or restriction…

If your mental health is worsening…

If you still feel lonely or scared or unloved…

The future CAN hold something that works better and feels better. Maybe you just need some help — another hard thing for trauma survivors to do — ask for help.

If you’re interested in exploring the possibility of therapy, please reach out to our office (if you are local to our area). Let’s keep black and white thinking for what we are going to wear tomorrow. 

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Robyn Brickel

Robyn is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 20+ years of experience providing psychotherapy, as well as the founder and clinical director of a private practice, Brickel and Associates, LLC in Old Town, Alexandria, Virginia. She and her team bring a strengths-based, trauma-informed, systems approach to the treatment of individuals (adolescents and adults), couples and families. She specializes in trauma (including attachment trauma) and the use of dissociative mechanisms; such as: self-harm, eating disorders and addictions. She also approaches treatment of perinatal mental health from a trauma-informed lens.

Robyn also guides clients and clinicians who wish to better understand the impact of trauma on mental health and relationships. She has a wide range of post graduate trauma and addictions education and is trained in numerous relational models of practice, including Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT), the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), and Imago therapy. She is a trained Sensorimotor Psychotherapist and is a Certified EMDRIA therapist and Approved Consultant. Utilizing all of these tools, along with mindfulness and ego state work to provide the best care to her clients. She prides herself in always learning and expanding her knowledge on a daily basis about the intricacies of treating complex trauma and trauma’s impact on perinatal distress.

She frequently shares insights, resources and links to mental health news on Facebook and Twitter as well as in her blog at BrickelandAssociates.com

To contact Robyn directly:

Robyn@RobynBrickel.com

www.BrickelandAssociates.com

brickelandassociates.com/

I have faced many traumas in my life and experienced repeated betrayal, often from those we are told we can trust—family.

An Existential Identity Crisis

I consider myself a quirk of fate; by some macabre twist, I was launched into a profoundly dysfunctional family. I grew up fatherless in a middle-class Roman Catholic household in a small South Indian town. My older sister Melanie and I were raised by our young, widowed mother in our maternal grandparents’ home, where we lived with an extended joint family.

I discovered that my father passed away from a heart attack just months after my mother conceived me, so I never knew him. Growing up without a father left me feeling empty, which may have influenced my tendency to form fleeting connections with abusive relationships and toxic friendships. The absence of pictures of my dad was heartbreaking, as it felt like all memories of him had been erased. I understand my mother likely acted out of her own grief, but it was painful that she didn’t encourage us to talk about him, leaving many questions unanswered.

Becoming a Social Outcast

At first, my mother worked hard as a teacher at our school until my soon-to-be stepfather, a medical student seven years younger, came into the picture. In the conservative town we lived in, rumors about the teacher and the young man quickly spread, and all hell broke loose at my grandparents’ home. The entire family was upset with her new relationship, but my mother was so in love that she didn’t care.

The school was even worse; we became social outcasts overnight, facing snide comments from classmates and family friends who labeled us as “the daughters” of the “flighty widow.” The reputation stuck.

As a grown woman, I understand that my widowed mother had the right to move on and lead her life. However, at age five, I only felt the loss of friends. Back then, single mothers dating wasn’t common in rural India, and my mother was blissfully unaware, caught up in her new romance as she traipsed around town in love-infested bliss.

The Birth of the Fear of Abandonment

When I was in third grade, she finally married and a few years later moved to the Middle East with her new doctor husband, leaving behind two lonely kids and a controversial reputation.

At every family event, we were seen as the “orphan Annies” and “oddballs,” garnering pity or scorn from others. In that conservative town, we stood out, burdened by a reputation we longed to escape. This likely fueled my craving for love and contributed to  ADHD and borderline personality disorder, which I discovered many years later.

Meanwhile, my childhood became a series of moves between relatives, amplifying feelings of abandonment. We were treated as unnecessary baggage, and the meager food we received was often rationed. Name-calling and forced chores made us feel like maidservants, whether cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking, or babysitting. I was not yet 13, and I often went to bed hungry.

With each move, my sister and I faced a new set of accusations. In hindsight, I believe this wasn’t because we lacked virtue, but rather because our relatives were tired of bearing the burden of my mother. This was their way of “passing the buck” to someone else. Meanwhile, our mother hardly contributed to our expenses or sent money to those who took care of us.

Though Mom would visit us occasionally, her relationship with us, her daughters, changed dramatically. She refused to believe what we had endured and the ongoing criticism from our “overburdened” relatives. Instead, she relied only on hearsay, choosing to accept the narrative that portrayed us as the problem.

Walking Away From Abuse

At a relative’s home, life became so chaotic that we went from being poor, abandoned orphans to harassed teens overnight. The saddest part was that no one, especially our mother, wanted to believe us. They preferred to sweep everything under the rug rather than face the discomfort of the truth. I realized they chose not to support us because it allowed them to avoid their responsibilities.

As a result, in an effort to protect ourselves, two vulnerable girls walked away from a highly volatile situation and sought help from strangers. We felt unsafe among our own family.

Believe it or not, since then, we have mostly been estranged from our mother and socially isolated from our relatives. Aside from the odd occasion, I haven’t spent time with my relatives or mom in decades. Mom systematically and deliberately cut us off from any contact with the family.

 There is bullying, and then there is bullying of the worst kind; it’s called “social isolation,” the kind that was perpetuated by my dysfunctional family and also by friends at school.

This is the kind of bullying where “the strong” band together and trample “the defenseless” because there is strength in numbers—often aided by money, peer pressure, or the seniority that comes with age.

Rising from the Ashes

As a teenager, I found myself alone and began working hard to support myself. Life took a difficult turn; I met many people from whom I learned valuable lessons. I made numerous mistakes due to poor judgment and misplaced trust, but I’ve always managed to rise from them. While I regret those lapses, I would live my life the same way again because my past has shaped who I am today.

My career choice allowed me to meet many people. Early on, I took various odd jobs, each helping me develop new skills and fueling my ambition for success. I was open to any challenge, adapting and learning as I went. Eventually, I spent several years in the hospitality industry.

Final Thoughts: Know Thyself and Thou Shall Know Thy God

Along the way, I made friends and learned that everyone is unique; no one is perfect; certainly not people with the “pointy fingers.” Nevertheless, I noticed that most people focus on four basic needs: food, money, power, and sex—but not necessarily in that order. Whereas for me it has always been like Freddy Mercury sang that “crazy little thing called LOVE.“ But when we go through abuse, neglect, and trauma and don’t find love, we settle for mediocrity or less. Trauma comes in many forms, but it’s our choice whether to continue the cycle of family karma or to break it. The buck stops with you.

Whichever way it goes, childhood trauma makes you do the thing you’ve been “conditioned” to do all your life. I understand how challenging it can be to navigate through trauma, and I want to share what has helped me along the way: love, friendships, books, music, and spirituality. Healing is not a straight path, and I certainly don’t consider myself an expert. I’ve experienced the many faces of depression, including a recent episode of panic and anxiety, which I know can feel overwhelming. If you’re struggling, please remember that you don’t have to go through it alone. Reach out to your loved ones and consider seeking therapy. It’s so important to take that step and not delay getting the support you need. If you are like me, you deserve to find peace and healing.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Jenney Clark

Jenney Clark is an Indian author and poet, best known for her book “Don’t Be Afraid to Love.” She has published eight books, including “Magic of the Ancients,” and hosts a podcast titled “Awakened Souls.” After leaving a successful job in the service industry, she pursued her passion for writing and became a life coach. Raised in a small town in India she discovered her psychic abilities at a young age and developed a strong interest in Tarot, astrology and numerology. She enjoys connecting with a diverse range of friends, including artists and writers and lives in a cozy “cubby hole” in Hyderabad with her dog, along with her beloved books and music

jenneyclark.com/

This series and this piece focus on self-sabotaging behavior and ways to defeat it.

What is self-sabotage?

Believing in yourself is one of the hardest things for people who have experienced childhood trauma. Believing in oneself requires secure and constructive choices.

Self-sabotage occurs when someone makes a choice that directly contradicts or sabotages a goal or a relationship. Too often, being insecure manifests with trust issues, and we create self-fulling prophecies. Survivors often feel insecure, have problems taking constructive criticism, and have trust issues with their partner or boss.

Feeling insecure and having trust issues can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies where subconsciously and sometimes consciously, survivors’ beliefs influence their behavior. For instance, if one predicts they will fail, the survivor will almost always fail.

Another example of a mixture of self-fulfilling prophecy and self-sabotage might be that you don’t believe you will ever find a partner, so you stay home and don’t try to go anywhere where you might meet someone. Also, if you find someone, you will not believe the relationship will work, so you act in a fashion where your partner believes you are cheating on them or ignoring their needs. Thus, the relationship fails.

One can see that such patterns of self-sabotage as those mentioned above often cause the survivor to both feel relief that their partner is gone and a need for companionship all at once.

“What is required for many of us, paradoxical though it may sound, is the courage to tolerate happiness without self-sabotage.”― Nathaniel Branden

Identifying Self-Sabotage Patterns

Often, people are unaware that they are sabotaging their lives. Self-sabotaging is further explained as problems created in your daily life that interfere with your goals in life.

The most common self-sabotaging behaviors are procrastination, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol, self-injury such as cutting or burning, and comfort eating. Other types of self-sabotaging may involve procrastination, involving oneself in bad financial decisions, and resisting change.

One might think that recognizing self-sabotaging behavior would be easy, but most people are blissfully unaware that the failures they are experiencing in their lives are directly related to self-sabotaging behavior.

What is Negative Self-Talk

Negative self-talk is a part of self-sabotaging behaviors and will cause people to fail even before they start. One form of negative self-talk is when you talk to yourself in a mean or negative fashion. Negative self-talk can sound like a pessimistic critic living inside you and focused only on the bad things that can happen.

Examples of negative self-talk might be telling yourself, “My hair looks awful,” or “I’ll never find someone who will stay.”

Negative self-talk erodes your self-confidence and stops you from reaching your potential. Also, negative self-talk is a stressful and involuntary form of self-criticism. This form of self-talk can contribute to or be a cause for the formation of mental health concerns such as anxiety, depression, and OCD.

Negative self-talk is a form of self-sabotage that no one wants to have and is caused by fears you hold and what you do to mitigate those beliefs.

What are Avoidance Behaviors?

Another form of self-sabotage involves avoidance behaviors. Avoidance is part of being human, as there are times when we all avoid places, things, or people because we believe the situation will turn out negatively.

Certain avoidance behaviors hurt your personal growth by blocking you from experiencing good things out of fear that you will fail.

Some avoidance behaviors are what people will do to avoid or escape complex thoughts, situations, or feelings. Some avoidance may include:

• Avoiding relationships
• Distracting yourself so you fail
• Avoiding new job opportunities
• Minimizing or denying a problem
• Avoiding returning to school
• Avoiding family reunions or dinners

Avoiding uncomfortable situations like those above might seem helpful, but you may never address the problem or opportunity.

Avoidance behavior is a way to cope with trauma by making survivors feel safe, but it also enhances their loneliness and sense of failure.

What is Emotional Isolation

Another way to self-sabotage is to isolate yourself from others. Understandably, survivors of childhood trauma would feel they cannot get hurt if they let anyone in.

However, being alone causes survivors to make decisions they would never make otherwise. Because you are alone and have no one to help you, you may isolate yourself so you can make huge mistakes in your home, relationships, and work lives.

Removing yourself from isolation will significantly affect your life’s outcomes. If you surround yourself with positive and uplifting people, you will begin to ape them and feel optimistic about yourself.

Emotional isolation is a defense mechanism that makes people close themselves off from other people. Some emotional isolation techniques are below.

• Keeping your feelings to yourself.
• Avoid having close relationships.
• Having a reluctance to communicate with other people.
• Feeling numb.
• Not having any emotional support from others.

If you always avoid other people, you will find it becomes a burden as you self-sabotage any chances of forming a loving and lasting friendship or romantic relationship.

Trust Issues

Trust issues are beliefs about the reliability and truth of other people. We measure the integrity and honesty of others through the lens of our definition of trust. Our life experiences often taint how we trust others and ourselves.

Trust issues include fear of betrayal, manipulation, and abandonment. These fears are triggered by betrayal and abandonment early in survivor’s lives. Manipulation includes some being dishonest or gaslighting you.

Indeed, trust issues are a major self-sabotaging force.

The most common situations that can lead to trust issues are listed below.

Infidelity. Infidelity is a betrayal that causes trust issues. Repairing a relationship after infidelity may be possible, but often, the relationship ends, leaving the survivor full of trust issues. Trust issues cause problems in future relationships.

Childhood trauma. Surviving adverse childhood experiences is likely to cause a person not to trust. Some examples of childhood trauma that cause trust issues might be abuse or abandonment.

Mistreatment from intimate partners. People with a past love interest who manipulated or mistreated them increase the risk for trust issues. Examples of maltreatment include gaslighting, keeping you isolated, dishonesty, and aggressive behavior toward you.

Trauma experienced in childhood. Trauma in later life might cause trust issues, such as being gaslighted by a doctor or misdiagnosed because they don’t believe you are ill.

Often, someone who experiences betrayal has trust issues that impact their ability to trust. Betrayal impacts a person’s belief in themselves, causing them to feel undeserving of good treatment and constantly on guard instead of reaching out for healthy relationships.

You Can Change Your Mindset

Because self-sabotage is rooted in having a counterproductive mindset, such as disorganization and negative self-talk, it is critical to heal from self-sabotaging behaviors.

It is critical to identify your triggers and your self-sabotaging behaviors. Practicing mindfulness and self-compassion helps to mitigate the past hurts that have you trapped in self-isolation and having a poor attitude toward yourself.

Setting realistic goals for yourself and accepting them if you fail is essential. Failure is a great way to learn and to do better next time, not the end of the world. Stop comparing yourself to others and concentrate on who you are and what you want from life. No one knows what you need better than you.

Reconsider your relationships with people who self-sabotage, hurt you, or gaslight you. Instead, have more respect for yourself and carefully choose uplifting relationships and a two-way street.

It is also critical to quiet the negative words of your inner critic. Remember that most negative messages you receive about yourself are not valid. Those thoughts are disastrous to success in life, and you can choose not to think about them.

Ending Our Time Together

Self-sabotage behavior has in the past held me down. I thought no one would ever love me because I was an ugly woman who was mentally ill. The moment I changed my opinion of myself, I began to heal.

I am imperfect today, as I still isolate and avoid relationships. However, I no longer hate who I am. I can look in the mirror and honestly say that I love all aspects of me.

How is overcoming self-sabotage done? It’s done by looking honestly at yourself and understanding why you would self-sabotage and how many times you have done it.

Self-sabotaging behavior does not make you bad; it makes you someone who has survived some pretty terrible things and lived to tell about it.

“Sometimes we self-sabotage just when things seem to be going smoothly. Perhaps this is a way to express our fear about whether it is okay for us to have a better life. We are bound to feel anxious as we leave behind old notions of our unworthiness. The challenge is not to be fearless, but to develop strategies of acknowledging our fears and finding out how we can allay them.”
― Maureen Brady,

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com