👉 Permission to soothe. Permission to slow. Permission to let your nervous system have its own little vacation.

Why Your Nervous System Deserves a Break (Yes, Even Yours)

When you’ve lived through trauma, your nervous system doesn’t always get the memo that it’s safe now. Even during “fun” moments – cookouts, crowds, Pride events, or even just sitting still – your body might be like,

“This is fine. Everything’s fine. Except it’s NOT. We’re all gonna die.”

Cue the tension, racing thoughts, irritability, and a strange urge to flee the farmer’s market because someone in the kale aisle smelled like your ex.

This isn’t because something’s wrong with you. It’s because your body got really, really good at protecting you. And now we’re helping it learn a new rhythm – one that doesn’t require constant emergency mode.

And lucky for us, summer is full of regulation-friendly options. Let’s take advantage.

Here are some gentle, body-loving ways to bring a little ease into your system this season!

5 Summertime Nervous System Boosters

🌿 Touch the Earth (Literally)
Put your bare feet in the grass, sand, or dirt. Hug a tree (no shame). Nature has this sneaky way of reminding your body that you’re here, now, and safe. Plus, it’s free therapy.

🍓 Savor Something Juicy
Pick a summer fruit – watermelon, berries, a popsicle that turns your tongue blue – and actually let yourself taste it. Sensory engagement is an amazing way to bring your body into the present.

🏳️‍🌈 Honor Pride in Your Own Way
There’s no “right” way to be queer or to celebrate Pride. If you want to be loud and fabulous – go for it! If you’d rather binge heartwarming queer rom-coms with your cat and a bowl of popcorn, that’s sacred too. Visibility is beautiful. So is rest.

❄️ Cool It Down
Use a cold cloth on the back of your neck. Keep peppermint oil nearby. Or try this: inhale through your nose, then exhale through pursed lips like you’re blowing out a birthday candle. Instant chill (literally and metaphorically).

🛑 Power Down to Power Up
Step away from your phone – yes, even TikTok – for just ten minutes. Lie down, breathe, stare at the ceiling fan like it’s giving a TED Talk. Give your nervous system a moment to do nothing, and it will thank you.

In Case You Needed This Reminder…

You don’t have to earn rest.
You don’t have to be happy all summer.
You don’t have to do Pride “right.”
You’re allowed to cry, to laugh, to dance, to nap – sometimes all in the same hour.

So this June, I hope you let your nervous system stretch out on a metaphorical beach chair with a good book and a cold drink. I hope you celebrate what you can, grieve what you need to, and find moments of unexpected joy.

Your healing is happening. Even now. Especially now.

And if no one’s told you yet today – I’m proud of you. 🌈

To healing!

P.S. If you’re ready to take the next step in healing from abuse and would like to explore enrolling in the Beyond Surviving program, start by applying for a Discover Your Genuine Self Session.

Photo by Nattu Adnan on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Rachel Grant

Rachel Grant is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Sexual Abuse Recovery Coach and M.A. in Counseling Psychology. She is also the author of Beyond Surviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse.  Based on her educational training, study of neuroscience, and lessons learned from her own journey, she has successfully used the Beyond Surviving Program since 2007 to help survivors of childhood sexual abuse who are beyond sick and tired of feeling broken and unfixable break free from the pain of abuse and finally move on with their lives.

www.rachelgrantcoaching.com

It is extremely important to keep in mind that abuse in any form is unacceptable and can never be rationalized. It is also crucial to realize that relationship abuse can affect anyone regardless of age, race, gender, sexual orientation, national origin, social class, and ability.

According to the National Council Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), the majority of the domestic violence awareness movement has focused on heterosexual relationships.

Members of the LGBTQ community have been largely left out of the movement; however, recent research shows that LGBTQ members fall victim to domestic violence at equal or even higher rates compared to their heterosexual counterparts.

Nine (9) Quick Statistics about Domestic Violence and the LGBTQ Community

1. 43.8% of lesbian women and 61.1% of bisexual women have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime, as opposed to 35% of heterosexual women.
2. 26% of gay men and 37.3% of bisexual men have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime, in comparison to 29% of heterosexual men.
3. In a study of male same sex relationships, only 26% of men called the police for assistance after experiencing near-lethal violence.
4. In 2012, fewer than 5% of LGBTQ survivors of intimate partner violence sought orders of protection.
5. Transgender victims are more likely to experience intimate partner violence in public, compared to those who do not identify as transgender.
6. Bisexual victims are more likely to experience sexual violence, compared to people who do not identify as bisexual.
7. LGBTQ Black/African American victims are more likely to experience physical intimate partner violence, compared to those who do not identify as Black/African American.
8. LGBTQ white victims are more likely to experience sexual violence, compared to those who do not identify as white.
9. LGBTQ victims on public assistance are more likely to experience intimate partner violence compared to those who are not on public assistance.

(Source: Domestic Violence and the LGBTQ Community, NCADV, 2018)

Abuse Tactics/Methods

Just like abuse in heterosexual relationships, abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships can be physical, sexual, emotional, or financial. While the epidemic of abuse does not discriminate, it’s also important to acknowledge the unique challenges that some victims might face because of how they identify. Abusive partners in LGBTQ+ relationships may also use societal and reputational factors to maintain control over their partner. Also, when trying to leave an abusive relationship or access help and resources, LGBTQ+ victims face an added layer of complexity.

LGBTQ+ Youth

A recent study conducted by the Urban Institute focused on dating violence among LGBT youth, producing some frightening statistics.

The study examined 5,647 young people. Among them, 3,745 reported either being in a current dating relationship or having ended a dating relationship within the past year.

Across the board, LGBT youth are at higher risk of all sorts of dating violence than heterosexual youth. Transgender and female youth are at the highest risk of teen dating violence.

Here are some statistics from the Urban Institute study:

• 43% of LGBT youth and 29% of heterosexual youth reported being victims of physical dating violence.
• 59% of LGBT youth and 46% of heterosexual youth reported emotional abuse from a dating partner.
• 37% of LGBT youth and 26% of heterosexual youth reported cyber/phone abuse and harassment.
• 23% of LGBT and 12% of heterosexual youth have reported sexual coercion.

Particularly frightening is the violence level among transgender youth. Transgender youth represented a small percentage of the overall number of youths involved in the study, yet as a group, they reported the highest levels of violence, harassment, and sexual coercion.

Using the categories above, transgender teens reported:

• 89% had experienced physical dating violence.
• 61% had been sexually coerced.
• 59% had been emotionally abused.
• 56% had suffered cyber and phone abuse and harassment.

These percentages are significantly higher than for lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth and much higher than for heterosexual youth.

(Source: Studies Show LGBT Youth Face Higher Risk of Dating Violence, Teen Domestic Violence, 2020)

Experiencing Abuse as a Member of the LGBTQ+ Community

Dating violence in the LGBTQ+ community is something that needs to be talked about! Individuals experiencing dating abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships may:

• Feel embarrassed about the abuse.
• Fear that their partner will try to turn the community against them if they do something counter to the abuser’s needs and wants or if they decide to end the relationship.
• Develop a fear of being “outed” by their partner to their families and friends as a way to gain power and control.
• They are made to feel ashamed about their sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression by their abusive partner.
• Believe that their partner – however abusive – is the only person who will ever love them because of their sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression.
• Be worried that they won’t be able to get help because of their sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender expression if they reach out.

Many victims of dating and sexual violence feel scared or apprehensive when faced with the decision to report the crimes against them. They fear that they won’t be believed or become outcasts in their community.

LGBTQ+ individuals also may not feel safe reporting their experience to authorities because they fear they won’t be believed or they won’t be taken seriously. This fear is amplified among queer and trans folks who have to also wonder if they will face discrimination and prejudice, especially when the assumption is that sexual and relationship violence only occurs in situations with male perpetrators and female victims.

Abusive partners in LGBTQ+ relationships may use their partner’s sexuality or identity to shame them and exert power over them. They do this by calling them names like “homo,” playing on gender insecurities or pressuring their victim sexually.

Abusive partners in LGBTQ+ relationships often threaten to “out” someone. Threatening to reveal a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity is a common tactic used by an abuser to control their partner in LGBTQ+ relationships. This tactic is prevalent in relationships where one partner might not be fully public with their identity as a gay, trans, or queer person. While some people are comfortable going public with their gender identity or sexual orientation, others may not feel safe or encouraged. Whether it’s telling an employer, a family member, or a friend — no person should ever threaten to disclose personal information about their partner without expressed consent.

What it means to be marginalized. Among LGBTQ+ groups, often, there is pressure to assimilate into mainstream culture, which can make it harder to discuss or address problems within that community. Dating and sexual violence are examples of this. Marginalized people or groups may feel they need to maintain a façade of perfection to be accepted by their peers or family.

For example, a woman identifying as lesbian may seek acceptance of her relationship from her friends. She may hide her partner’s abuse so that her friends do not form a negative perception of all lesbians. As allies, we need to actively advocate and work to eliminate the stigma of gender-based violence in marginalized communities.

HIV/AIDS has afforded abusers another avenue by which to assert control over their partners. It is never okay for a partner to threaten to reveal anything about your medical condition without your consent or to prevent you from accessing proper medical treatment. In some extreme cases, an abusive partner who is HIV-positive may threaten to infect a partner if they decide to leave the relationship. They may also use guilt – claim that they will die or become more ill – if their partner breaks up with them as a way to keep their victim in the relationship. Manipulation, threats, and making you feel guilty are never okay in any relationship.

How To Protect Yourself

At the TAR Network™, we are working diligently to raise awareness about relationship violence. We want everyone to understand that abuse can impact anyone regardless of how you identify. You can help us educate your peers about the warning signs of relationship abuse and start conversations about how this issue impacts the LGBTQ+ community by joining our movement and sharing resources with your friends. Supporting organizations and causes that fight against LGBTQ+ discrimination also helps to decrease the barriers to reporting and increase access to resources that can help LGBTQ+ victims and survivors of dating and sexual violence.

If you or someone you know have experienced relationship abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at (800) 799-7233. Read this to learn more about Signs of LGBTQ Relationship Abuse. Everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, deserves a healthy relationship where they are treated with respect and valued for who they are. Remember, you’re worth it!

STAR Network

STAR Network, is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization committed to Support, Treatment, and Prevention of Narcissistic Abuse and Attachment Disorders. Narcissistic abuse is one of the most devastating triggers for CPTSD, robbing survivors of their authenticity. STAR Network empowers STARs (Survivors of Toxic Abusive Relationships) with its transformational program, TAR Anon™. STAR Network is the leading global trauma support network, offering free resources to heal individuals and families impacted by trauma, PTSD and CPTSD. Their mission is to transform lives, reduce relapse rates, and create a lasting, inclusive community of support.

https://starnetwork.org/

https://drjamie.com/

https://taranon.org/

https://tartales.org/

This piece will discuss how complex trauma, CPTSD, and PTSD affect you today. We will also discover together that, despite these three diagnoses, you can overcome them while maintaining and possibly gaining more respect for yourself.

What is Complex Trauma?

Complex or relational trauma is experienced as a child or an adult. First named in the 1990s by Judith Lewis Herman, Ph.D., complex trauma has much in common with post-traumatic stress disorder sharing some symptoms.

However, complex trauma has added symptoms, such as:

Emotional symptoms

Disbelief, shock, denial
Difficulty concentrating
Confusion
Anger
Mood swings
Irritability
Anxiety
Fear
Guilt and shame
Feeling hopeless
Being numb

Physical symptoms

Fatigue
Racing heartbeat
Unexplained aches and pains
Insomnia
Nightmares
Startling easily
Muscle tension

Complex trauma forms from exposure to an incident or series of life-threatening experiences with no hope of escape. At the same time, there are as many traumatic events as there are people on earth, some of the most severe are listed below.

Childhood neglect
Physical, emotional, and sexual abuse
Having a family member who is mentally ill
Having a family member who abuses drugs or alcohol
Living in poverty
A sudden separation from a loved one
Racism, oppression
Violence in the neighborhood, war, or terrorism

Although anyone may experience complex trauma at any age, children are more likely to experience it than adults. It has long-term effects on their health and developing brains. These events are more commonly called adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and can be measured with questions about adverse events suffered as a child. The higher the ACE score, the more likely adults will be affected by complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

Members of the LGBTQIA+ population are at high risk of having a high ACE score and suffering from the mental and physical problems associated with it.

The LGBTQIA+ Community and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder forms when a person experiences overwhelming trauma and feels hopeless to escape. The most common types of trauma are abuses of all types, including narcissistic abuse.

CPTSD is a response to chronic traumatization that occurs over months or even years (Herman, 1992). Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is more often found in children and adults who have experienced multiple instances of abuse. Such adults who are held captive or in fear for their lives from those in society who would harm them also form CPTSD.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder has all the symptoms of complex trauma plus the following:

Losing memories of trauma or reliving them
Difficulty regulating emotions that often manifest as rage
Depression
Suicidal thoughts or actions
Sudden mood swings
Feeling detached from oneself
Feeling different from others
Feeling ashamed
Feeling guilty

CPTSD has more symptoms than listed.

CPTSD also has the symptoms of PTSD. However, there is a distinct difference between the two, as PTSD occurs in adulthood and does not include the above symptoms.

The LGBTQIA+ Community and PTSD

The LGBTQIA+ community experiences a range of stressors in their adult lives, including bullying, intimate partner violence, harassment, and physical and sexual abuse. This complex trauma causes distress and can harm and predispose individuals to stress-related disorders.

One such disorder is post-traumatic stress disorder, a problem that inhibits the person’s ability to handle everyday living.

Unfortunately, the LGBTQIA+ community is at high risk of developing PTSD, with a prevalence of 48% of LGB people and 42% of transgender and gender-diverse folks.

One review found that 54% of men that identify as gay and 85% of women who identify as lesbian or bisexual experienced sexual assault (complex trauma).

Symptoms of PTSD can include:

Problems with trust
Feelings of worthlessness, shame, and guilt
Problems controlling emotions
Difficulty feeling connected to others
Relationship problems
Having trouble keeping friends and partners
Being startled or frightened easily
Being on guard for danger
Self-destructive behavior
Trouble sleeping
Trouble concentrating
Irritability
Angry outbursts
Guilt or shame
Vivid flashbacks

Post-traumatic stress disorder, like the others, while the symptoms are distressing, is a normal response to overwhelming trauma but treatment is available that can help.

Treatment for Complex Trauma, PTSD, and CPTSD

Suppose you are experiencing the overwhelming symptoms of complex trauma, post-traumatic stress disorder, or complex post-traumatic stress disorder. In that case, you will need someone to help you navigate yourself to health.

Psychotherapy is recommended because of the deep hard-to-heal scars that complex trauma brings. Finding a therapist is difficult for everyone, but especially hard for someone who is queer. Be upfront with whomever you interview to be your therapist. Tell them you are a member of the LBGTQIA+ community and judge their response to decide if you should hire them.

You learn so much about yourself in therapy, such as who you are and what you want from life. You also learn to face your shortcomings and find good qualities you hadn’t considered before.

Once you enter therapy, you will begin to walk down the road less taken to healing, and because complex trauma leaves deep scars, the journey may take longer than you want, but not as long as you fear.

You also face your past head-on, and that is painful.

Helping Yourself to Heal

You can do many things to lessen the effects of trauma on your life.

Advocate for yourself. It is okay to ask for what you want because you deserve the best life offers. You must never give up on your dreams and work hard to achieve them. Tell yourself every day that you are worthwhile. Look in the mirror each morning and tell yourself that you are enough.

Set healthy boundaries with others. Set these boundaries in all your relationships. You have the right to define your limits as far as what you allow others to do. You also have the right to say NO; use it if you need to without fear or reservation.

Leave the past in the past. This step is crucial for you to feel whole and well. Yes, your history was horrid, but you live here and now, plus your future is bright if you fight for it.

Don’t listen to hate. There is so much hatred in our society in the United States right now toward the LGBTQIA+ community that it turns my stomach. Hatred in any form is vile, and those who perpetrate it should be ashamed. Close your ears to hateful words and seek people who will accept you just as you are and give you enough love to cancel the hate.

Ending Our Time Together

The point of this piece was to alert my friends in the LGBTQIA+ community to disorders they may not fully understand but may have in their lives. I wanted to help with a better understanding of complex trauma, PTSD, and CPTSD.

I failed to mention in the article that you can have all three disorders simultaneously; I know this from personal experience.

Whoever you are who is reading this, remember that you are not your history. You are not your diagnosis. You are not what the haters say you are.

You are the only you in the entire universe, and we need your voice to make life better for everyone. Use your voice for good and spread love and pride.

“Give voice to what you know to be true, and do not fear being disliked or exiled. I think that’s the hard work of standing up for what you see.” – Eve Ensler

“When the whole world is silent, even one voice becomes powerful.” – Malala Yousafzai

“Speak up and speak clearly. I want to hear what you have to say because it matters. Let’s listen to each other and respect one another’s opinions.” – Felicia Johnson

References

Herman, J. L. (1992). Complex PTSD: A syndrome in survivors of prolonged and repeated trauma. Journal of traumatic stress, 5(3), 377-391.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

Shame is an emotion everyone feels sometime in their lives. This intense feeling can be used for good, warning us that our behavior is causing problems for ourselves and others. However, when used to harm someone, it is a powerful force that damages and cripples those who do not deserve it.

This article will focus on how shame has been weaponized against our LGBTQ+ neighbors and family members who do not deserve such treatment. We will focus on how shame hurts the communities and ways to diminish and hopefully end its use as a bludgeon.

The Causes of Shame in the LGBTQ+ Community

 There are two leading causes of shame in the community; abandonment and hate crime. Unfortunately, we are currently in a time when both are used with impunity.

It is hard enough to come out to parents and peers, no matter your age, when you do so, but having your family reject you and then abandon you causes excellent harm and stirs up feelings of shame.

Add the abandonment of hate crime to your list of worries, and you have a perfect soup of fear, anxiety, and depression. Unfortunately, you have reason to be afraid, as one study found that LGBTQ+ people experienced 6.6 violent hate crimes per 1,000 persons.

Shame feeds these three ingredients of the soup and damages the lives of those who experience them. The shame-filled messages that a gay, transgender, or lesbian person hears are devastating and undeserved.

Perhaps you were ashamed because you are a member of the LBGTQ+ community by, your parents or peers. Perhaps you were rejected and abandoned. You shouldn’t be ashamed and didn’t deserve what happened to you.

 Defining Shame and Its Symptoms

Shame is a negative belief we think about ourselves. These thoughts can be significant and painful, causing great harm. Shame on a deep level that is felt frequently and intensely affects how a person sees themselves and others.

Shame is especially prominent in those who experienced childhood trauma when growing up and sometimes manifests as survivor’s guilt, a belief they could have stopped the abuse, and a sense of being broken or damaged.

The shame that survivors feel often expresses itself as complex post-traumatic stress disorder, a trauma response that negatively impacts lives.

The worst part of shame is that people who experience it can conclude that they deserved the treatment they had back then and what they experience today. This is totally wrong.

There are many symptoms and signs that you are feeling shame.

Physical symptoms:

• Nausea
• Sweating
• Face flushing
• Anxiety
• Panic
• Shortness of breath
• Shaking

After noticing how shameful thoughts affect your body, it is easier to identify what you are feeling internally.

How Shame Sounds in Your Head:

Shame leads to thoughts that cause negative beliefs about yourself. This type of shame is known as shame voice. This voice speaks to you in your mind, or sometimes you speak it out loud; either way, it is damaging.

• I’ll never be enough.
• I don’t deserve a healthy relationship.
• I don’t matter.
• I can’t do anything right.
• I’m useless.
• I’m broken.
• I’m weird.

These messages are put in your mind by maltreatment when you were growing up or by people who do not understand you today. For survivors of abuse, these negative messages began very young and continue reverberating into adulthood.

How Does Shame Affect Your Life?

As we’ve seen, shame is a force in the lives of survivors of abuse and those who identify as a member of the LBGTQ+ community. Shame can be all-encompassing, even causing individuals to doubt their orientation or gender identity. Many in the community experience depression and anxiety.

You might have felt shame because your family or peers believe you violate social norms. At such moments, you feel exposed, minor, humiliated, and unable to face those who think you are wrong.

Shame makes you direct your focus inward, view yourself negatively, and focus on the feelings and thoughts of others instead of on yourself.

Shame is Toxic

The term toxic shame was first coined by John Bradshaw in 1990. The term describes a person whose thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are from being repeatedly shamed in childhood. Shame is the belief that you are a flawed human being, and that belief is placed there by uncaring parents and peers.

In Bradshaw’s book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, Bradshaw says, ‘

“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they act shamelessly and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to teach self-value if one does not value oneself. Toxic shame is multigenerational. It is passed from one generation to the next. Shame-based people find other shame-based people and get married. As each member of a couple carries the shame from their own family system, their marriage will be grounded in their shame core.

The major outcome of this will be a lack of intimacy. It’s difficult to let someone get close to you if you feel defective and flawed as a human being. Shame-based couples maintain non-intimacy through poor communication, nonproductive circular fighting, games, manipulation, vying for control, withdrawal, blaming, and confluence. Confluence is the agreement never to disagree. Confluence creates pseudo-intimacy.”

How do we know when the shame we feel is toxic and not? The litmus test for shame is to ask yourself, is the shame I feel helping me deal well with life, or is it running every aspect of who I am?

Overcoming Shame

 Overcoming shame is vital if you wish to live a contented and happy life. You can take four steps to overcome the shame that binds you.

First, you must acknowledge that shame is a problem for you. It is impossible to overcome an enemy you cannot see. Shame comes in many disguises and can be hard to spot in yourself. It is critical that you become aware if you are prone to shame and if you experience toxic shame. Admitting you have a problem helps you to stop being defined by it.

Second, find an empathetic ear and share your feelings of blame with them. Make sure that this person is a trustworthy individual, such as a therapist or good friend. In finding someone to listen to your feelings, you will begin the healing process and move on with your life.

Third, recognize the signs that you are feeling ashamed. When you first feel shame, try to see what is happening before you fall into the trap of negative self-talk. Figure out which physical and emotional effects shame is having on you. One indicator is that when you feel ashamed, you are critical of other people or of your life. This behavior is contrary to how you would feel if you were not bogged down by shame.

Fourth, look for the origins of your shame to understand why you feel that way. Who are the people in your life who are telling you that you are not good enough? What situations make you feel and think you are not good enough or that you are deeply flawed and need fixing? Unfortunately, society is the leading cause of shame for the person who is a member of the LBGTQ+ community.

Ending Our Time Together

June is pride month, not shame month. It is a time when all who are queer can celebrate who they are as individuals who deserve respect and love.

Unfortunately, there are those who would commit horrendous crimes against the community, especially during this time of celebration.

Pride month is a time to nurture and love yourself so that when you are afflicted by those who would hate you, you will remember you are beautifully and wonderfully made.

Please, be safe, and remember that there are those out there who stand with you and walk beside you. We believe you are wonderful and worthy of respect, dignity, and love.

“If you believe in yourself and have dedication and pride – and never quit, you’ll be a winner. The price of victory is high, but so are the rewards.” Bear Bryant

“What is pride? A rocket that emulates the stars.” William Wordsworth

References

Flores, A. R., Stotzer, R. L., Meyer, I. H., & Langton, L. L. (2022). Hate crimes against LGBT people: National Crime Victimization Survey, 2017-2019. PLoS one, 17(12), e0279363.

Kammerer, A. (2019). The scientific underpinnings and impacts of shame. Scientific American. August 9.

Shirley Davis

My name is Shirley Davis and I am a freelance writer with over 40-years- experience writing short stories and poetry. Living as I do among the corn and bean fields of Illinois (USA), working from home using the Internet has become the best way to communicate with the world. My interests are wide and varied. I love any kind of science and read several research papers per week to satisfy my curiosity. I have earned an Associate Degree in Psychology and enjoy writing books on the subjects that most interest me.

www.learnaboutdid.com

Once you come to your senses…

Sarah and I kept in close contact after they moved, and I expected her support when I finally made the decision to leave my marriage. I was wrong. I had fallen in love with another woman. I think of this affair as more of a catalyst to leave a miserable situation than as a reason. Sara did not approve. “My God, Madelon. What are you doing? You are not a lesbian. Once you have come to your senses, you can date my son Steve and we can all get back to something that makes sense.” I never did “come to my senses,” but neither my lesbian affair nor my lesbian identity lasted long. In the Winona years, I stopped drinking to excess, and I entered therapy and 12-step groups. I finally became able to face the demons of my background. I knew it would be hard, but I needed to show my little girl that the cycle of abuse ended here with me.

The Willows’ stint in Indiana was short-lived.  After my divorce, I was living in Winona, Minnesota, and the Willows moved to an exurb of that small city a couple of years after they left Houston County. I met their return with much joy, and they came just in time to decorate for Christmas. I personally didn’t have much use for Christmas, but Sarah loved it. “We’re gonna do Christmas up right this year.” The lights, the tree, the decorations. Although Sarah hardly ate anything, she prepared food and served it at her beautifully appointed table. Although none of us had any money, we exchanged presents. 

All the joy left by summer, was when my daughter, Becky, and I went on a camping trip with the Willows. On the first evening of the camping trip, Sarah was very drunk and in a foul mood, and she made an inappropriate, mean comment about my daughter. I don’t remember the context or exactly what she said, but it was to the effect that I gave the child too much leeway, she should be disciplined, and I needed to reign her in. Maybe give her a good slap. 

I had never said anything about the way that Sarah parented Angie, but I hadn’t approved since the day Sarah got that child. I knew she used corporal punishment and that was non-negotiable for me. What did Becky do on the camping trip? Be a 4-year-old. What did I do? Swallowed my shock and anger and went to bed. The next morning, I packed up our gear and left, announcing that I did not care to be around people who did not accept me or my daughter.

Expectations

In a follow-up phone call, I told Sarah, “You have crossed a line. Nobody tells me how to handle my child unless that child is in danger of hurting herself or someone else.” Sarah bitterly unloaded all her disappointment about me: I was queer, I was a bad mother, I was selfish, I had no direction, and I didn’t meet her expectations. 

So you liked me better when I was under Tom’s thumb? Right? 

“Well, you don’t meet my expectations,” I countered. “I expect my friends to be kind and supportive. And Becky and I are a package deal. If you don’t like her or the way I handle her, you don’t have to be around us.” Sarah then hung up on me.

Many years later, I heard from David, and I traveled to Houston County to attend a memorial for Sarah. I had a good visit with David and Patrick. Patrick told me that his mother, who had died (not surprisingly) of lung cancer, had a breakthrough in her dying days. She saw the error of her ways and said she had regrets. I found that news to be earth-shattering. I never heard Sarah say she was wrong all the time I knew her. 

I agreed with Patrick that Sarah having these realizations was healing and remarkable. Patrick and David were back living together in Houston County. And Angie, who had given the family a lot of grief with her acting out, was settled and well-employed in the area. 

I drove back home that bright autumn day, with red and gold leaves, and red and gold flowers in the fields. I was grateful for the fun times I shared with Sarah. I wished her well. I was proud to have stood up to her. 

I never went on to do those Great Things that Sarah said I would achieve, but I did grow a spine, and that has served me well.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog post do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Madelon Wise

Gardening grandma riddled with radical biophilia in the nice Midwest. Animism. Permaculture. Social Justice. Beauty. Dogs. Photography. Retired Writer-Editor working to raise awareness of child abuse, child neglect, and CPTSD.

I am writing my memoir.

uttgardhag.wordpress.com/home/blog-posts/

I will start by explaining what OCD is, what CPTSD is, and how they influence each other for me. I want to emphasize that this is my experience and my experience only; not everyone with OCD has underlying trauma and not everyone with complex trauma will develop OCD. For me, Obsessive-Compulsive disorder genetically runs in the family, so I was likely to get it whether or not I experienced trauma. I feel that trauma has only exacerbated the OCD further.  

What is OCD? 

OCD is characterized as an anxiety disorder, one that involves obsessive, intrusive thoughts followed by compulsions. This can look vastly different for everyone. One person with OCD may have fears of contracting a deadly illness and wash their hands hundreds of times a day, while another person may question their sexuality repeatedly and have to touch the wall to reduce the thoughts. Others might convince themselves they are hitting someone with their car and have to check and re-check the spot they drove over to ensure they didn’t hurt anyone. Someone else might need to align everything in perfect symmetry to ‘prevent’ their family from dying. The key factors are obsessions and compulsions, anxiety, and the knowledge that these anxieties and compulsions are irrational to some extent. Often magical thinking is involved, such as thinking that touching the window in increments of two will keep one safe from a natural disaster.  

What is CPTSD? 

If you’re on this blog, you likely know what CPTSD is, so the short version—CPTSD is essentially PTSD with additional symptoms like emotional dysregulation, relationship challenges, excess shame and guilt, attachment struggles, and dissociation. CPTSD arises from not just one trauma but ongoing trauma (some examples include emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, bullying, discrimination, and others), typically beginning in childhood, although not always. CPTSD survivors may have many comorbid conditions too. Speaking from my own experience at least, I had developed poor coping mechanisms for most of my life because of my complex trauma, such as eating disorders, self-harm, and other addictive behaviors. Many of us also struggle with depression, personality disorders, substance abuse, and chronic physical health issues.  

My Story with OCD and CPTSD 

I was diagnosed with OCD at nineteen years old, despite struggling for the majority of my life with it. I don’t remember a time I didn’t struggle with OCD and Generalized Anxiety disorder. I also have ADHD and Autism, conditions that I was born with but were not identified until later. I grew up feeling different for several reasons, including being a part of the LGBTQ+ community and grappling with those struggles. It has taken eight years of therapy (I am now twenty-eight years old) to have teased apart all of these factors. My OCD has centered around many themes, but the main themes I have dealt with since my teen years, and subsequently as an adult, have been around sex and harming others with my car. Two very different subjects, but both are very common for someone with OCD.  

While the intensity of my intrusive thoughts and compulsions was irrational and very characteristic of OCD, what I hadn’t made the connection to until this year was the way my traumas have influenced the content of my OCD.  

Let’s start with my fear that I was going to hurt someone while driving my car. I feared hitting a pedestrian, to the point that I would obsessively check the rearview mirror for people even in the middle of the highway, touching and tapping the window as an additional compulsion. As I said, this is not an uncommon thing for a person with OCD. That said, mine was not ‘random.’ I had been hit by a car as a pedestrian at the age of sixteen. I had already had OCD at that time, but my symptoms became more severe, likely from both the head trauma I endured and the emotional trauma of being hit.  

The next topic is much harder for me to discuss, but I have been able to come to terms with this through EMDR and IFS therapy this year. This combination of therapies has truly helped me. I have dealt with taboo thoughts, like many with OCD, around sex, sexuality, and harming others in a sexual way. For the vast majority with OCD, this is random and just a symptom of overactive basal ganglia. For me, that was part of it, but I also believe that my OCD latched onto this subject because of my history of childhood sexual trauma. It has been hard for me to tease apart what is my OCD and what is my reality, but I have had a very skilled therapist that has helped me do so. I have had to engage in OCD-specific treatment and CPTSD-specific treatment. For years I was only treating the OCD, that wasn’t enough. It didn’t alleviate the OCD as much as trauma treatment in conjunction has. It also didn’t address the CPTSD-specific issues I have, such as dissociation, emotional flashbacks, emotional dysregulation, etc.  

I share my story so that others can know that they are not alone. Perhaps you relate; perhaps you don’t. Either way, OCD in my opinion can most certainly be tied in with trauma, especially when you also have a genetic predisposition to the condition. I do emphasize that this is my experience and that everyone is different. I have worked with several professionals to get to this point, and I am grateful that today I can function in most respects. That said, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I have to take medication daily for my OCD—and other conditions like ADHD, anxiety, and Bipolar disorder—and I go to therapy weekly and work on self-care every day. Discovering this past year that I have CPTSD, and treating it, has made a world of difference to my recovery from all mental health conditions.  

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Kaden McNamara

In the UK, Young Minds shares the following statistics:

• 1 in 6 children aged 5 to 16 were identified as having a probable mental health problem in July 2020.
• 1 in 3mental health problems in adulthood are directly connected to an adverse childhood experience (ACE).

Parents face many obstacles just to getting a GP/ Doctor to take their child’s mental health seriously. They are told: “S/he is a teenager. It is normal for them to feel down and act impulsively. Did you try exercises? Doing things together?” It might take another 3 or 4 calls before parents and their children are taken seriously if they are lucky and have the kind of energy necessary to keep knocking on closed doors.

It has been even more difficult since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic. CAMHS – Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services – have years-long waiting lists. The first thing on offer is usually 6 weeks of CBT. In some cases, it doesn’t even scratch the tip of the iceberg. To get long-term support, there are lengthier the waiting lists. In the meantime, the conditions of some young people further deteriorate and, unfortunately, some precious lives end too early.

The priority after months of school closures wasn’t the pupils’ well-being, it was the catching up of their education. Parents and carers received emails informing them schools will focus on attendance and performance. For those in Year 11, they were put under further pressure to revise and pass their GCSEs. when most of these pupils missed lots of schooling or didn’t take on the online classes available during lockdowns. There was NOTHING in place to ease these children back into school after the major worldwide trauma we are still all experiencing.

The NSPCC has published some briefings on the impact of the pandemic and lockdowns on children safety and welfare.

• There’s been a threefold increase in the number of Childline counselling sessions about child sexual abuse within the family, from an average of 8 sessions per week before the pandemic restrictions were imposed to an average of 23 per week since 23 March 2020.
• Some children told Childline that sexual abuse had become more frequent during lockdown, as they were spending more time with their abuser.
• Over a quarter of Childline counselling sessions about sexual abuse within the family relate to abuse that has happened recently. A fifth of Childline counselling sessions about sexual abuse within the family relates to abuse that has been going on for at least a year.

Mosac’s helpline was busier too, during lockdowns. It wasn’t that Child Sexual Abuse increased, it was always there, hidden, and, being locked indoors, pushed desperate non-abusive parents and carers, as well as abused children to reach out for help. Before the COVID-19 pandemic, it was already difficult for children, and their allies to get the support they need and deserve, during lockdowns, services were stretched to their limits, and they still are now,  suffering the aftermath of the pandemic measures.

Even when someone hears them, the police and the court systems are frauds with outdated and misogynist laws and procedures, often tailored by and for white men. Parental rights to shared custody are often used to push children into the arms of their perpetrator, too often with tragic losses of precious young lives. The innocent parent is often accused of being the manipulative and deluded parent.

The therapies offered are based on patients’ disorders not on the patients’ natural responses to traumatic experiences. A lot of teenagers find comfort and peace in drinking and in taking drugs, unfortunately, instead of seeing them as the scared children doing their best to stay alive, some social workers, therapists and doctors only see them as addicts, as difficult children who need to grow up, take responsibility for their lives when, most of the time nobody took responsibility to protect, to care for and to love these children. Some adults look down on them, pushing for more discipline and control.

Young people are pushed to work harder than ever, to pass exams at a young age. They are told to sit down, to shut up, listen to authority, and to absorb any information given to them. All children are going through a schooling system tailored to one size fit all only. It doesn’t suit every child and those who don’t fit the box, are labelled stupid, rebellious, and having serious issues. Some children/ teenagers with mental and physical illnesses, from poorer background, are cast aside. Who hasn’t been told, at least by one teacher, that “They aren’t good enough and will not succeed in life!”? A life already mapped out for them: go to school, then go University. Get that Degree, then earn £40 000 job. Get a big house, get married before you are 30 years ( have a big wedding, please), and have babies. Bit fit, work hard, and be good.

Children don’t need disciple – read punishment – they need connected loving presences by their side; their difficult behaviour needs to be addressed with compassion too. Fierce Compassion, which includes loving and caring but also setting firm boundaries, and fair “rules” to follow, decided together and that includes all persons involved. Of course, each family, each child/ teen is different. Unfortunately, there are no handbooks attached to our children’s wrists, at birth.

They need at least ONE adult they can turn to, even when they think they’ve just done the worst mistake of their young lives. Especially when they think they’ve just made a terrible choice! A mother they can talk to about their experiences. Or a father who will not shame nor blame them for being young humans with developing brains, and growing bodies who are getting to know themselves outside of their relationships. An adult who will give them the love and care they don’t get at home, and embrace them with their pain, anger, and hurt, making it clear what is healthy and unhealthy as well as providing the right support – counselling, a safe place to live in, help to choose a college or any form of education etc.

It isn’t complicated: they need our love and our protective fierceness. The best way to lead them is by example. We can show them how to become a compassionate mess (We aren’t perfect and so aren’t they!) and how to find their own inner resources.

Any thoughts and experiences you would like to share?

Sylvie

 Resources and support for LGBTQA+ teenagers and young adults go to The Be You Project and Young Stonewall

And a little Self-Compassion goes a long way! Watch the video below.

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tyl6YXp1Y6M

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

“A 2016 review of research found 17% of LGB adults had attempted suicide during their lifetime, compared to 2.4% of the general U.S. population.”  — UCLA School of Law Williams Institute

“LGBTQ youth are not inherently prone to suicide risk because of their sexual orientation or gender identity, but rather placed at higher risk because of how we are mistreated and stigmatized in society.”  — The Trevor Project

(Content warning: family struggles/alienation, foster care, bullying, work struggles, religion, law enforcement, military, politics, supreme court, conversion therapy, riots, militant groups, physical assault, hate crimes, death sentence, and murder)

Possible Traumas

After years of struggles, I accepted that I was gay in 1989 at age 20, and told my family and friends soon after.  I know there has been a lot of progress socially in the US, since 1989.  But, doing research for this article reminded me, that a lot of people still suffer many and varied traumatic events because they are Queer. For those who are interested in more information, I am going to list some of the statistics I found, at the end of this article, including links to the source articles.

Almost everything I reference in this article is about struggles within the last ten years.  Because, yes, social acceptance has gotten better since the 1900s, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, and ’80s, but social acceptance, equality, and safety are still concerns.

Growing up and living, actually just being lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning (one’s sexual or gender identity), intersex, and asexual/aromantic/agender  (LGBTQIA+ or Queer) in the USA has many possible traumas including, but not limited to:

Friends, Family and Foster Care

• -friends or family struggles
• -friends or family rejection
• -friends or family alienation
• -Queer people in foster care can face unaccepting foster parents, foster siblings, group home staff and residents

School, Religion and Work

• -school bullying
• -workplace harassment
• -hiring and workplace discrimination
• -lower wages
• -religious discrimination
• -religious persecution and expulsion
• -religions promoting and funding campaigns for anti-Queer laws
• -Queer law enforcement officers harassed by co-workers
• -Queer firefighters harassed by co-workers
• -Queer Enlisted Military harassed by fellow enlisted personnel

Government

• -Government officials and elected representatives saying stigmatizing statements
• -Government officials and elected representatives working to create anti-Queer laws
• -US Supreme Court decisions about Queer rights

Strangers and Businesses

• -social harassment
• -conversion therapy
• -renting, and housing loan discrimination and higher interests rates
• -law enforcement officers hostile toward Queers
• -Active Threats and Conspiracy to Riot by Conservative Militant Groups against the Queer Community
• -Hate crimes: verbal harassment, sexual harassment, physical harassment, and murder.

There are still about TEN COUNTRIES in the world where BEING GAY can be LEGALLY PUNISHED BY DEATH.

In the US, in 2022, every Queer person alive lives knowing friends, family, strangers, co-workers, religious people, law enforcement officers, firefighters, politicians, hate groups and more could be hostile, rejecting to homicidal.

Even one and certainly any combo of these possible traumas can cause fear and internal struggles causing more internal turmoil and trauma.

These ONGOING and INESCAPABLE traumatic events, even just the possibilities, could cause Complex PTSD.

Traumatic events from my brother and mother

About 1990, my brother told me, that if I ever brought a lover home; he saw what to do in a movie.  He would take them out behind a farm building and kill them.  After that, I barely spoke to him for two years.

During that same visit, my brother’s friend, the best man in my brother’s first wedding told me, that when he was in the military, he used to seduce gay men up to a hotel room.  Then with military buddies, they would strip the gay man, wrap them in duct tape, fill the man’s car with ice and then place the duct-tape-bound man in his car on the ice.   My brother and his friend laughed.  I was horrified.

After 25 years of acting accepting, my mother removed me from her legal will ten days before she died.  I think this was connected to her own implicit bias against me and the internal, religious, and social struggles she had because I am gay.  (Details of this story at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCH6Wt1pchefOSB-IRo2R0hA/videos “My Dysfunctional Family Implodes.  I am set Free.”)

Some of my Queer traumatic events

In 1992, in Madison, WI, I saw four men pick up a concrete planter and throw it onto the hood of a car in the parking lot of a gay bar.  I didn’t even think to call law enforcement, because that is just what happens to us.

In 1994, in Milwaukee, WI, a friend and I met at a chili joint to talk about my recent trip.  As we left the restaurant, a man followed us, and threw a glass beer bottle on the ground behind us, so the broken glass bounced up and hit our legs, while yelling, “Fucking Fags.”

In 1995, in Madison, WI, I walked out of a grocery store past a car that was parked by the door.  As I walked in front of the car, they revved their engine and yelled, “Fucking Faggot” as I walked on.  I was alone, in sweats, and just bought milk; an ordinary living life activity.   We never know when harassment will happen or how far it will go.

In 2010, in Lone Rock, WI, I volunteered and created two small low-maintenance, ornamental, deep-mulch demonstration food gardens at the Lone Rock Library, with all of the food going to the community.  I also volunteered to lead a few educational presentations at the library explaining the gardens.  The gardens were cited with a fire code citation and removed.  I asked, begged, and demanded an explanation as I was teaching this kind of gardening around the Midwest as a part-time business.  If these gardens were a fire hazard, I needed to know. The Lone Rock Fire Department would not respond to my certified letters requesting an explanation.  Instead, they had their lawyer respond to me with side-stepping deflections.  Confirmation eventually got back to me that this was done because I am gay.

Local Murder

On June 18, 1995, in Livingston, WI, Norman Bennett was violently murdered and discarded.  I know one of Norman’s relatives who told me of the murder.  Family and society assumed Norman was gay.  Criminal charges were minimal.  Some of the details of the murder are in this public article:  https://casetext.com/case/state-v-tanner-77

Mental Health/Illness Symptoms

The Queer community is in a neglectful and abusive relationship with society.  We probably know which friends and family members accept us or don’t.  We never know what stranger may become abusive, where or at what time.  Hypervigilance is required when out in public.

The queer community has higher rates of:

• -depression
• -anxiety
• -alcoholism
• -drug use
• -suicidal ideation, attempts, and completions.

Foster Care and a Queer Group Home

I spoke with Jean Northway from Courage MKE, a LGBTQIA+ youth group home   https://www.couragemke.org/.  Many queer people in foster care homes and group homes have trouble with placements because even vetted foster parents and group home staff still have levels of not accepting queer behaviors, while they accept the heterosexual version of the same behavior.

Keeping any secret is hard.  We talked about having to hide a part of “who you are” in certain situations is very hard and damaging to one’s self-image.  When a person has to keep a part of themselves a secret, this takes a toll on the person.  In the group home Courage MKE, they work so every person does not have to hide any part of who they are.  With this goal, compared to the state average youth stay at group homes in Wisconsin, their residents are staying with Courage MKE 211% longer.

Possible CPTSD, unaware, undiagnosed and/or misdiagnosed

I cannot diagnose people; yet, I suspect there are a lot of Queer people living with low level up to diagnosable Complex PTSD.

CPTSD is caused by ongoing trauma that one feels one cannot escape from.  From the possible traumas listed above, it is obvious that traumas to Queer people can come from any and every aspect of life and continue happening throughout life.

Part of why Queer people don’t realize the traumas that are happening is because this is just life and we have numbed ourselves to dangers and just live with it.  We have no other choice.

These are some of the top symptoms of CPTSD:

• -intimacy problems
• -guilt/shame
• -anger or feeling numb
• -relationship problems
• -emotion regulation problems
• -feeling worthless.

If you are a queer person and live with some or all of these symptoms, there is help.  The first screener I know of for CPTSD is the International Trauma Questionnaire at https://www.traumameasuresglobal.com/itq.   There is a lot of information on this blog, on the CPTSD Foundation’s website, and on the internet.  In this video, I talk about the questions on two screeners that apply to CPTSD, the Adverse Childhood Experience subject questions and the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Check List – Civilian (PCL-C) at  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT2sARgB3iQ.  There is help and life can get better.

P.S.

Writing this article was more difficult for me than I expected.  I came out in 1989 and my life is most comfortable as a gay man.  Yet, I know there are dangers in society.  Since 2014, when I was accurately diagnosed with CPTSD, I have mostly focused on the traumas from my family.  I have some new things to examine, after writing this article.

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Roger Reynolds

Roger Reynolds

After 25 years in and out of therapy, Roger was finally accurately diagnosed with Complex PTSD in 2014, at 45.  An accurate diagnosis changed his self-help research and treatment plan, which is improving his life.

Hoping to increase understanding of CPTSD from a survivor’s perspective, Roger is starting the YouTube Channel “No Bruises on the Outside”  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCH6Wt1pchefOSB-IRo2R0hA  Roger’s highest goal is increase CPTSD awareness and understanding so diagnosing is earlier and treatments more on point, leading to less suffering and more comfort in survivors’ lives.

When writing or speaking, Roger works to incorporate science and personal stories to deliver a down to earth, easy to understand presentation.  Roger has been a public speaker and educator for more than 20 years.  Since 2019, he has been speaking about mental health struggles, skills, treatments and his life story.  Behind his family’s public façade of a peaceful dairy farm in southwest Wisconsin, USA, near the Mississippi River, was domestic violence, alcoholism, denied parental mental illness, stalking, death threats and more.

www.youtube.com/channel/UCH6Wt1pchefOSB-IRo2R0hA

Some of us, within the LGBTQA+ community, face additional barriers when disclosing our stories of child sexual abuse. The myths and misconceptions about sexuality and child abuse are hurting us and stopping some of us from sharing our experiences.

Years ago, a friend of mine told me: that when I was a child, back home, I was raped by a man. “And I enjoyed it. I am gay. I think it might be because of what happened to me.” I didn’t know what to say. But it didn’t seem right that his sexuality was the effect of abuse by an older man.

More recently, another friend of mine confided in me her family declared she was a Lesbian because of what her Dad did to her. Her sexuality was bringing more shame to her religious mother and sister than the fact that their husband/ father raped her and got her pregnant.

While taking part in a study for treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder, when asked about my sexuality, I answered: “I am Bi.” I was informed that a common symptom of BPD was confusion about one’s sexuality. I made it clear, that I was not confused at all: I am Bi! During my year in care, my carer was a Pentecostal Church goer. They too believed homosexuality was a result of sexual abuse or a sign of the devil… Of something terribly wrong!

Some Gay men feel they can’t share their experiences of child sexual abuse, especially if their bodies responded to touch, as a body naturally does, thinking this is the root of their homosexuality. Some are told they probably asked for it, or it wasn’t that bad if they ejaculated.

Another silly idea is that Lesbians are the way they are because being abused by a man put them off the opposite sex.

The Engagement with lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer/ questioning + victims and survivors Report, from The Independent Enquiry – child sexual abuse, published in May 2022, shares experiences from victims and survivors:

“People might say ‘she is the way she is because of the abuse’.” and “If we are LGBTQ because a man abused us and ‘we are blaming all men’ or if we got abused by a woman we ‘are confused’”. LGBTQ+ victims and survivors

“It took me a while to come out as I attached my child sexual abuse with being gay.” LGBTQ+ victim and survivor

“I’ve been asked whether I’m non-binary specifically because I experienced child sexual abuse and whether I’m turning my discomfort with my body from the sexual abuse into a gender issue that isn’t really there.” LGBTQ+ victim and survivor

“People who ‘subscribe’ to any form of so-called ‘alternative’ lifestyles – whether that be in dress, lifestyle or whatever, seem to be blamed more for any abuse they receive as if they are somehow either getting what they ‘deserve’, or asking for abuse by the way they dress or live their lives.” LGBTQ+ victim and survivor

It is heartbreaking to read these experiences: here are individuals who have been hurt in a deep way and who are, as adults (of all genders) further dismissed, judged, and abandoned by enablers (of all genders) in the name of God, of what is “normal”. The suffering of raped children is being completely discarded.  Some of us have no one to turn to.

My dear friends from the LGBTQA+ community, I see you. I hear you. I stand with you.

Sylvie

Resources:

The Independent Inquiry into Child Sexual Abuse – IICSA:  ” …chaired by Professor Alexis Jay OBE (pictured), was set up because of serious concerns that some organisations had failed and were continuing to fail to protect children from sexual abuse…”

London LGBTQ+ Resources –  from Rainbow Mind: “Rainbow Mind supports LGBTQI+ mental health.

Run and led by LGBTQI+ people, we offer inclusive, sensitive, non-judgemental support and a safe space to connect with others. We know that LGBTQI+ people are more at risk of poor mental health. That’s why we’ve developed Rainbow Mind services.”

(Also published on Winter Turns into Spring)

Guest Post Disclaimer: Any and all information shared in this guest blog post is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing in this blog post, nor any content on CPTSDfoundation.org, is a supplement for or supersedes the relationship and direction of your medical or mental health providers. Thoughts, ideas, or opinions expressed by the writer of this guest blog do not necessarily reflect those of CPTSD Foundation. For more information, see our Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer.

Sylvie Rouhani

Writer – Blogger – Poet – Mental Health and Child Abuse Activist

Deputy Editor and Journalist for Taxpayers Against Poverty

Author of The Blossoming Lotus”

https://www.austinmacauley.com/book/blossoming-lotus

New Website: Breaking The Cycles

https://breakingthecycles.co.uk/

breakingthecycles.co.uk

When I tell people who know little about me that I am a survivor of domestic violence, they tend to make assumptions. First, they assume that I was in a relationship with a man. They also assume that the abuse was only physical. Unfortunately, this misconception is widespread. It negatively affects the way that LGBTQI+ survivors are able to get the help that they need. 

The Statistics Say

David Schwarzenberg, Pixabay

Queer individuals in experience domestic violence at as great of a rate (and in some cases higher) than heterosexual women. As a pansexual woman, I was, without knowing it, in one of the highest risk categories for domestic violence and intimate partner rape. 

Some of the statistics (CDC 2010):

• 61% of bisexual women have experienced some kind of IPV in their lifetime
• 22% of bisexual women have been raped by an intimate partner (versus 9% of heterosexual women)
• 13% of lesbian women have been raped in their lifetime
• 46% of bisexual women have been raped in their lifetime
• 44% of lesbian women have experienced some kind of IPV in their lifetime
• 26% of gay men have experienced some kind of IPV in their lifetime
• 37% of bisexual men have experienced some kind of IPV in their lifetime

For transgender people (Peitzmeier 2020)

• Transgender individuals are 1.7 times more likely to experience IPV than cisgender people
• 37.5% of trans people have experienced physical IPV in their lifetime
• 25% of trans people have experienced sexual IPV in their lifetime

But Why?

Sabrina Groeschke, Pixabay

There are many discussions about why LGBTQI+ people are more likely to have suffered from domestic violence, but here I will speak from personal experience as a pansexual woman. People have many preconceived notions about bisexual people as a whole. Assumptions that bi and pansexual people are overtly promiscuous or hypersexual may lead to sexual victimization in the form of rape by those who think that we are “asking for it.” Partners may become more controlling because they feel that they “have to” in order to assure monogamy. Sexual coercion and forced sexual interactions with partners may be a part of how a partner reassures him or herself that a bisexual or pansexual person is not cheating or still desires them. Physical violence may manifest because a partner feels that the pansexual person’s insistence on retaining their sexual identity means lack of monogamy. People confuse someone coming out as bisexual or pansexual as a way to invite sex. 

Finally, and most importantly for the purposes of this article, when LGBTQI+ people reach out for help, they are often met with barriers. 

The Biggest Problems

Succo, Pixabay

During one of the many separations from my ex after a particularly brutal physical attack, I consulted with the police about pressing charges. Like many survivors of IPV know, it can be very difficult to come out with your story to friends, let alone authorities. People who come forward may not be believed or may even be persecuted themselves because it is hard for an outsider to step into a situation of “he said, she said” and figure out what is going on without adequate training. Now throw in all of the above prejudice against LGBTQI+ people and all of the misconceptions. Couple that with inadequate training on domestic violence in general and queer populations as a whole and you have a recipe for a disaster. Some assumptions I discovered in my attempts to get help include:

• If you’re both women, the abuse must have been mutual
• If you’re both close in size and the same gender, you should have been able to free yourself of physical or sexual harm
• As a pansexual person, if you don’t choose to label your sexuality based on your partner, you’re likely cheating and your partner is understandably upset
• Women cannot rape another woman 
• Women are less likely to abuse others in general, so you must not be telling the truth

Even my local LGBT center and theNetworklaRed, a hotline for LGBTQI+ people did not prove helpful. Both met me with even greater prejudice and incredulity than resources like TheHotline. One individual at the local LGBT center said specifically what her concern was: if this was happening in the local gay community, it could cause problems legally for others. In short, they were not willing to help. 

Since leaving, there have been similar difficulties in obtaining support. Before I can tell my story, many people want to “just understand” it. This involves asking for more detailed and specific questions than I am prepared to answer most of the time. I have learned through support communities that I am not alone in this. Women who face abuse at the hands of other women are more likely to be met with incredulity than belief in a world where that is already too often the case for many survivors.

What Do We Do?

Ramon Perucho, Pixabay

First, improvements to awareness of the intersectionality between abuse and sexuality/gender identity for authorities must occur. Training for law enforcement and judges needs to occur to protect queer people. This will need to involve domestic violence training becoming a priority for those individuals, and even for therapists who may treat people after the fact. Understanding how abusers behave and how they are likely to attempt to lay blame, manipulate, and otherwise dodge being held accountable will be useful. Understanding coercive control, as well as other forms of domestic violence, will need to occur. 

Secondly, aid needs to be readily available. In some locations, that may involve changing laws to assure that all populations are equally protected. This will involve better education of hotlines that help victims of domestic violence, as well as education for therapists treating survivors. Many of those who are in a position to help are overworked and overwhelmed, particularly during the Covid crisis. However, ensuring appropriate training can start from the outset. Volunteers and therapists must get the proper information before they even start working with the public and ongoing training is essential. 

Third, the public needs to understand that abuse is abuse, regardless of the perpetrator. There is no rule that says that abusers must be male, or that abuse needs to look a particular way. As the public becomes more aware of issues in the queer community as a whole, ensuring that they hear all parts of the story, including the negatives, is essential. To that point, I write this article and raise my voice whenever I can, and hope that others will find the strength to do the same. 

References

Mikel L. Walters; Jieru Chen; Matthew J. Breiding. (2013). National intimate partner and sexual violence SURVEY (nisvs): 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation. National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 Findings on Victimization by Sexual Orientation | Office of Justice Programs. https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/national-intimate-partner-and-sexual-violence-survey-nisvs-2010. 

Sarah M. Peitzmeier, Mannat Malik, Shanna K. Kattari, Elliot Marrow, Rob Stephenson, Madina Agénor, and Sari L. Reisner, 2020: Intimate Partner Violence in Transgender Populations: Systematic Review and Meta-analysis of Prevalence and Correlates  American Journal of Public Health 110, e1_e14, https://doi.org/10.2105/AJPH.2020.305774

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Mick McCarthy

As a survivor of domestic violence, Mick McCarthy is a dedicated advocate for children and women leaving abusive situations. Mick channels her passion into helping children as an educator for exceptional children, researching and presenting on ways to improve education for all children through the use of game-based learning, and volunteering with several organizations designed to help children who have suffered trauma or aid individuals with varying needs. In her free time, Mick is an avid writer and gamer.