Toxic Positivity- Ew!

Snark Warning: This post has a satisfying amount of snark. It is intended to feel cathartic for frustrated recipients of shallow platitudes. For those who are well meaning and have said these things in ignorance, there is no true malice in this post. Just some light hearted sass and enlightenment. Carry on.

You’re sitting across from someone—maybe a friend, a family member, or even a therapist who should know better—and you’ve just shared a fragment of your trauma story. The room fills with that uncomfortable silence that survivors know all too well. Then it comes: “Well, you know what they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” And just like that, your complex, painful, ongoing reality has been reduced to a bumper sticker slogan.

If you’ve survived narcissistic abuse, complex trauma, or any form of prolonged trauma, you’ve likely heard a collection of these dismissive platitudes. They often come from well-meaning people who genuinely think they’re helping, which somehow makes it even worse. Not only are you dealing with your trauma, but now you’re also burdened with managing someone else’s discomfort with your pain—smiling politely while screaming internally.

How It Feels to Be on the Receiving End

When someone responds to your vulnerability with a platitude, the effect is immediate and visceral. Your chest tightens. Your throat constricts. That brief moment of connection you thought you were having vanishes.

In that instant, you’re faced with an impossible choice: Do you nod and smile to preserve the relationship, knowing you’ve just been fundamentally misunderstood? Do you summon the energy to educate them, when you’re already depleted from carrying your trauma? Or do you express genuine frustration, risking being labeled as “too sensitive” or “negative”?

Many survivors describe feeling instantly isolated when these comments come—like they’ve been pushed back into a box of acceptable suffering. There’s a special kind of loneliness in being told, essentially, that your pain should be more manageable, more meaningful, or more temporary than it actually is.

Physically, your body might respond as if to a threat (because invalidation is threatening to someone healing from trauma). Your heart rate increases. Your thoughts race. The very nervous system you’ve been working so hard to regulate is now dysregulated again—all because someone couldn’t sit with discomfort long enough to offer genuine support.

Let’s rip the band-aid off these toxic positivity statements and examine why they’re not just unhelpful, but actively harmful to trauma survivors.

1. “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger”

Let’s start with the heavyweight champion of terrible advice. This saying suggests that trauma is somehow a character-building exercise, a cosmic gym membership you never signed up for.

Here’s the truth: Trauma doesn’t make you stronger; it depletes you. It taxes your nervous system, rewires your brain for constant danger, and drains the emotional resources you need for everyday functioning. Survivors aren’t “stronger” for having endured abuse—they’re working with damaged neural pathways, hypervigilance, and often a profound sense of disconnection from themselves and others.

Survivors aren’t “strong”—they’re exhausted from carrying weights others never had to lift. They’re functioning despite the burden of invisible triggers, flashbacks, and somatic responses that the average person never has to manage.

What survivors develop isn’t “strength” but survival adaptations—many of which actually make life more difficult once the danger has passed. That hyper-awareness of others’ moods that kept you safe around an unpredictable abuser? It now exhausts you in normal social situations. That ability to dissociate when things get overwhelming? It now makes it hard to stay present during important moments.

Trauma survivors aren’t stronger. They’re working overtime just to achieve what might come naturally to others, like feeling safe in a relationship or not panicking at unexpected sounds.

2. “Everything Happens for a Reason”

This platitude suggests that your trauma was somehow part of a grand cosmic plan—that the abuse you endured was somehow necessary or purposeful.

Let’s be crystal clear: There is no “reason” good enough to justify abuse. None. Zero. Full stop.

This statement is a classic example of spiritual bypassing—using spiritual explanations to avoid confronting the uncomfortable reality of suffering. It’s easier to believe in a universe where everything has meaning than to acknowledge that sometimes terrible things happen randomly to good people. But packaging abuse as “part of the plan” or a “lesson you needed to learn” is not only false—it’s cruel.

When someone suggests your trauma “happened for a reason,” they’re unwittingly asking you to find meaning in your suffering to make them more comfortable with the random cruelty of the world. It places the burden on you to extract some profound lesson from your pain, rather than acknowledging the simple truth: what happened to you was wrong, and you deserved better.

It also subtly suggests that if you can’t find this mythical “reason,” you’re somehow failing at processing your trauma correctly. As if recovery means reframing abuse as a blessing in disguise rather than recognizing it as the injustice it was.

3. “God Doesn’t Give You More Than You Can Handle”

This faith-based variation of “everything happens for a reason” adds a particularly painful layer for many survivors. It suggests not only that your trauma was intentional, but that it was calibrated specifically for your capacity—that some divine entity looked at you and decided you were strong enough to endure abuse.

What’s particularly frustrating about this platitude is that it’s based on a misinterpretation of scripture. The verse commonly referenced is 1 Corinthians 10:13, which actually states: “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

This passage is specifically about temptation—not trauma, suffering, or abuse. It’s about God providing a way to resist moral or spiritual challenges, not about God deliberately giving people suffering to test their strength. The misapplication of this scripture to trauma situations completely distorts its original meaning.

While this phrase originates from a Christian context, similar ideas exist across many faith traditions—and when misapplied, they share the same harm: recasting abuse as divine will. Whether it’s karma, fate, or providence, the suggestion that suffering was somehow divinely ordained can compound trauma with spiritual distress.

What this platitude fails to acknowledge is that many people don’t “handle” trauma—they are broken by it. They develop debilitating mental health conditions, turn to substance abuse to cope, or even take their own lives. Were these people simply given “more than they could handle”? The logic quickly falls apart.

For survivors with spiritual or religious beliefs, this statement can create a spiritual crisis on top of trauma. It portrays God as someone who deliberately inflicts or allows suffering as a test, instead of portraying God as a source of comfort and healing.

Even for those who find comfort in faith, healing often comes from understanding that trauma wasn’t part of a divine plan, but rather the result of human choices, random chance, or systemic failures—and that divine support can also come in the form of healing resources, supportive people, and inner strength to begin recovery.

4. “God Helps Those Who Help Themselves”

Ah yes, the favorite platitude of people who’ve never actually read the Bible but love to weaponize religion against those who are suffering. Let’s get this straight: this phrase appears exactly zero times in scripture. Not once. It’s as biblical as “cleanliness is next to godliness” or “money is the root of all evil” (it’s actually “the LOVE of money is a root of all kinds of evil”) —which is to say, not biblical at all.

The saying actually traces back to Aesop’s fable about a wagoner whose cart gets stuck in mud. When the driver prays to Hercules for help without trying to push his cart first, Hercules essentially tells him to put his own shoulder to the wheel before asking for divine intervention. So unless you’re worshipping the Greek demigod Hercules instead of the God of the Bible, you might want to reconsider this theological hot take. Benjamin Franklin later popularized the phrase, and somehow this advice about muddy cart wheels became the go-to spiritual weapon against trauma survivors who can’t just “bootstrap” their way through PTSD.

When directed at trauma survivors, this platitude becomes particularly toxic. It suggests that if you’re still struggling, you simply haven’t “earned” divine help yet. Still having flashbacks? Clearly you’re not praying hard enough or doing enough spiritual pushups to deserve God’s assistance. Having trouble functioning after abuse? Well, God’s waiting in the wings with healing, but first you need to prove you’re worthy by magically fixing yourself.

The cruel irony is that this saying completely inverts the central message of grace found throughout actual scripture. The Bible repeatedly shows God helping precisely those who cannot help themselves—the vulnerable, the broken, the traumatized. Psalms 34:18 explicitly states, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Not “The Lord is close to those who have their act together enough to deserve his attention.”

When someone drops this spiritual grenade in your lap, they’re essentially saying: “Your continued suffering is evidence of your spiritual failure.” It’s victim-blaming dressed up in religious language, suggesting that healing is a simple matter of effort rather than a complex neurobiological process that requires appropriate support and resources.

When faced with this particular gem of invalidation, you might respond:

“Fascinating how that phrase isn’t actually in the Bible.”

“I prefer to focus on the parts of scripture that talk about compassion for the suffering.”

“My trauma therapist and my understanding of faith don’t quite align with that view.”

Or my personal favorite: “Actually, the Bible repeatedly shows God helping those who precisely cannot help themselves. But thanks for your theological input.”

The truth is that trauma recovery often begins at exactly the point where self-help fails—when we acknowledge that we cannot heal alone and need support, whether divine or human. There’s no spiritual merit badge for suffering in silence, despite what these platitude-pushers might have you believe.

5. “Just Let It Go and Move On”

If trauma survivors could simply “let go” of their experiences, don’t you think they would have done so already? Nobody earnestly trying to heal “chooses suffering,” as some uninformed outsiders might claim. This statement fundamentally misunderstands how trauma operates in the brain and body.

Trauma isn’t stored as a normal memory that you can choose to forget. It’s encoded differently—often as fragmented sensory experiences that can be triggered without warning. Your body remembers trauma even when your conscious mind is trying to forget. That’s why unexpected triggers can cause such overwhelming physical and emotional responses.

Trauma isn’t a thought you can simply “drop”—it’s a physiological imprint that requires specific tools to reprocess. This is why body-based therapies like somatic experiencing, EMDR, and sensorimotor psychotherapy are often essential components of trauma recovery. These approaches acknowledge that trauma lives in the body and nervous system, not just in conscious thoughts that can be willfully dismissed.

“Moving on” isn’t a decision; it’s a complex neurobiological process that takes time, support, and often professional help. When people tell you to “just let it go,” they’re essentially asking why you don’t simply press the delete button on your trauma—as if such a button exists.

6. “Time Heals All Wounds”

Time alone doesn’t heal trauma. Unaddressed trauma doesn’t fade—it festers, manifests in physical symptoms, relationship patterns, and mental health challenges. In fact, trauma that isn’t actively processed often develops into complex PTSD over time, with symptoms becoming more entrenched rather than magically disappearing.

What actually helps heal trauma is targeted work: therapy with trauma-informed professionals, building a support network, learning to regulate your nervous system, and gradually processing traumatic memories in a safe environment. Time is only helpful insofar as it gives you space to do this difficult work.

The idea that you can passively wait for healing perpetuates the harmful notion that recovery is something that happens to you rather than something you actively participate in. It also invalidates the very real ongoing struggle many survivors face years or even decades after the traumatic events.

7. “You Should Forgive Them for Your Own Peace”

Forgiveness has somehow become the expected final chapter in every trauma story. But mandatory forgiveness places an additional burden on survivors who are already carrying so much.

Here’s what’s rarely acknowledged: You can heal completely without ever forgiving your abuser. Forgiveness may be helpful for some survivors, but it’s not a prerequisite for healing, and suggesting otherwise creates unnecessary pressure and potential shame.

What’s more important than forgiveness is understanding that what happened wasn’t your fault, setting boundaries to protect yourself, and reconnecting with your own needs and values. If forgiveness naturally emerges from that process, fine. If it doesn’t, that’s equally valid.

8. “You’re So Resilient!”

At first glance, this might not seem like a harmful statement. After all, isn’t resilience a positive quality? But for many trauma survivors, being called “resilient” can feel like pressure to perform strength when they’re barely holding it together.

When “you’re so resilient” is used to gloss over suffering, it becomes another way to deny survivors the space to be vulnerable or struggling. It can feel like being told, “I prefer to see you as strong rather than wounded, so please keep performing that strength for my comfort.”

This comment often comes with an unspoken expectation that you should continue to endure without complaint. Worse, it can make you feel guilty for the times when you don’t feel resilient at all—when you’re breaking down, struggling with basic functions, or unable to keep up the appearance of having it all together.

Resilience isn’t the absence of struggle—it’s the presence of struggle and persistence. Real support acknowledges both your capacity for resilience and your need to sometimes fall apart. Being resilient doesn’t mean you’re never affected by trauma—it means you continue despite being affected by it, and that continuing takes an enormous toll.

9. “I’m Sure They Did Their Best” or “They Didn’t Mean It That Way”

This may be the most insidious platitude because it sounds compassionate while actually invalidating your experience. It prioritizes the abuser’s intentions over the impact of their actions, effectively asking you to empathize with someone who harmed you.

The hard truth is that some people are genuinely malicious, and others are so self-absorbed that they never consider how their actions affect others. Narcissistic abusers, in particular, often know exactly what they’re doing—the harm isn’t accidental but strategic.

Even if someone “didn’t mean it that way,” the damage is still real. Your pain isn’t less valid because someone didn’t intend to cause it. You don’t owe understanding to those who hurt you, especially when they’ve made no effort to understand the damaging impact of their actions.

10. Cultural Variations: “But They’re Family” and Other Pressure Points

Platitudes often take culturally specific forms that add layers of shame and obligation to trauma. “Blood is thicker than water” or “family is everything” can become weapons that pressure survivors to maintain relationships with abusive family members.

In some communities, sayings like “what happens in this house stays in this house” explicitly discourage seeking outside help. Other cultural messages might emphasize endurance as virtue (“grin and bear it”), minimize male accountability (“boys will be boys”), or prioritize appearance over well-being (“we don’t air our dirty laundry”).

These sayings aren’t just words—they’re social contracts that prioritize harmony over healing. They function as unwritten rules that maintain the status quo at the expense of individual wellbeing.

These cultural variations share a common thread: they place the burden on the survivor to protect the status quo rather than heal themselves. They leverage cultural identity and belonging against the fundamental need for safety and authenticity. And sadly, our wiring often leads us to choose attachment over authenticity.

Recognizing these cultural dimensions doesn’t mean rejecting your cultural heritage—rather, it means distinguishing between cultural values that support wholeness and those that were designed to maintain systems where abuse can flourish unchallenged.

11. The Infinite Variations of “At Least…”

A special category of invalidating statements deserves its own mention: the seemingly endless variations of “at least…” These comparative statements attempt to minimize your trauma by contrasting it with hypothetical worse scenarios:

“At least they didn’t hit you.” “At least you’re not still with them.” “At least you have a roof over your head.” “At least you learned something from the experience.” “At least you have other family members who care about you.” “At least you’re strong enough to handle it.”

These statements are particularly insidious because they masquerade as gratitude prompts or perspective checks. But what they actually do is invalidate the very real pain you’re experiencing by suggesting you should be grateful it wasn’t worse.

The “at least” approach creates a false hierarchy of suffering where only the absolute worst-case scenario deserves full acknowledgment. It suggests that because others might have it worse, your pain deserves less attention, less support, and less validation. This competitive approach to trauma is not only unhelpful but actively harmful—leaving survivors feeling guilty for their completely appropriate responses to abuse.

When You’ve Become Your Own Worst Critic: Self-Platitudes

Perhaps the most painful platitudes are the ones we tell ourselves. After hearing these messages enough times from others, survivors often internalize them:

“I should be over this by now.” “Other people have it worse—I need to stop complaining.” “If I were stronger, this wouldn’t still affect me.” “I must have done something to deserve this.”

These self-directed platitudes can be even more damaging than those from others because they come from within, attacking us in our most vulnerable moments. They create a cycle where normal trauma responses become evidence of personal failure, leading to shame, which further complicates recovery. Instead of supporting ourselves when we’re struggling, we come down harder ourselves, assuming the role of our own abuser.

Breaking this cycle requires profound self-compassion—the willingness to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a beloved friend in your situation. It means recognizing that healing isn’t linear, that having bad days doesn’t mean you’re failing at recovery, and that your pain doesn’t need to be “the worst” to deserve care and attention.

The next time you catch yourself thinking one of these self-platitudes, try to pause and ask: “Would I say this to another survivor? Is this actually true, or is it a message I’ve absorbed from others who didn’t understand trauma?” If you wouldn’t weaponize another survivor’s pain, why weaponize your own?

Why People Say These Things (And Why It’s Not Your Job to Educate Them)

Understanding why people offer these platitudes doesn’t make them less harmful, but it might help you feel less personally invalidated when you hear them.

Most people are deeply uncomfortable with the idea that terrible things happen randomly to good people. It threatens their sense of safety and justice in the world. Platitudes offer a quick way to restore that sense of order: if trauma makes you stronger, happens for a reason, or can be overcome through forgiveness, then the world still makes sense.

Some people resort to these statements because they genuinely don’t know what else to say. They haven’t been taught how to sit with someone else’s pain without trying to fix it. Our culture doesn’t model compassionate witness very well—instead, we’re taught to problem-solve, silver-line, or distract.

Others may be triggered by your trauma because it resonates with their own unprocessed experiences. Their platitudes might actually be self-soothing mechanisms, attempts to convince themselves that their own trauma wasn’t so bad or had some greater purpose.

And sometimes, people just repeat what they’ve heard without ever examining whether it’s actually helpful or true. Pop culture is saturated with these oversimplified narratives about trauma and recovery.

Here’s the important part: It is not your responsibility to educate these people. You’re not obligated to explain why their comment was hurtful, especially when you’re already managing your own trauma responses. You don’t owe anyone a polite smile or a patient explanation when they’ve just invalidated your experience.

What Trauma Survivors Actually Need to Hear

Instead of platitudes, trauma survivors need validation, compassion, and humble presence. Simple statements like:

“I believe you.” “That sounds incredibly difficult.” “I’m here with you.” “Your feelings make sense.” “This wasn’t your fault.”

These acknowledgments don’t try to solve, reframe, or minimize trauma. They simply recognize it as real and significant.

Ready-to-Use Responses (for When You’re Too Exhausted to Educate)

Sometimes you simply don’t have the bandwidth to explain why a platitude is harmful, especially when you’re already managing trauma symptoms. Here are some brief, low-conflict responses that neither accept the platitude as truth nor place you in the exhausting position of educator:

When someone says “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”:

• “I’ve found healing is more complicated than that.”
• “My therapist and I are working through a different perspective on trauma.”
• “That hasn’t been my experience, but I appreciate your concern.”

For “Everything happens for a reason”:

• “I’m still working on making sense of my experiences in my own way.”
• “I find it more helpful to focus on healing than reasons right now.”
• “I respect that that perspective works for some people.”

When faced with “Just let it go”:

• “Trauma recovery works differently than most people realize.”
• “I’m working through it at the pace that’s healthiest for me.”
• “My healing journey looks a bit different than that.”

For “Time heals all wounds”:

• “I’m finding that healing takes active work, not just time.”
• “That’s a comforting thought, but trauma is more complex.”
• “I’m focused on the present steps of my recovery rather than waiting.”

When confronted with forgiveness pressure:

• “I’m prioritizing other aspects of healing right now.”
• “My therapist suggests focusing on self-compassion first.”
• “Everyone’s healing journey looks different.”

For “They did their best/didn’t mean it”:

• “Impact matters regardless of intent.”
• “I need to honor my experience right now.”
• “I’m focusing on my healing more than their intentions.”

And for any “At least…” statement:

• “Comparing traumas hasn’t been helpful for my healing.”
• “I’m working on acknowledging my experience without comparison.”
• “My therapist encourages me to validate my own experience fully.”

These responses create a gentle boundary without requiring you to take on the exhausting role of educator. They acknowledge the comment without endorsing it and redirect without confrontation. Most importantly, they protect your energy for what really matters: your healing.

True support for trauma survivors means being willing to sit in the discomfort without reaching for tidy explanations or forced silver linings. It means respecting that recovery isn’t linear, forgiveness isn’t mandatory, and meaning-making is personal.

For survivors reading this: Your trauma did not make you stronger—in fact, you might feel anything but strong. You might feel broken, exhausted, or barely functioning. That’s a valid and common experience after trauma. What’s remarkable isn’t some mythical “strength” you’ve gained, but rather your resilience—your ability to survive despite everything you’ve endured. That resilience isn’t a gift from your trauma; it’s evidence of your fundamental humanity continuing to exist despite attempts to break it.

The endless internal work you do every day—work that most people will never see or understand—isn’t about becoming stronger than before. It’s about reclaiming pieces of yourself, finding moments of safety, and sometimes just making it through another day. There’s profound dignity in that journey, whether you feel “strong” or not.

Healing starts when we trade bumper-sticker wisdom for uncomfortable truths: that trauma isn’t a lesson, strength isn’t owed, and survival—however it looks—is always enough.

Your healing journey belongs to you, not to the expectations or comfort levels of others. And you are absolutely entitled to roll your eyes (internally or externally) the next time someone offers you a platitude instead of genuine support.

The truth isn’t always comfortable, especially for those who haven’t experienced complex trauma. But comfort was never the point. Healing is—and healing starts with honesty, not with pretty lies wrapped in inspirational fonts.

A Note on Neurodivergent Trauma Survivors

Neurodivergent individuals—those with autism, ADHD, sensory processing differences, and other neurological variations—often face unique layers of invalidation when processing trauma. Their natural responses to both trauma and healing may be pathologized or dismissed with statements like:

“You’re just overreacting because of your autism.” “If you could focus better, you’d get over this.” “Your sensory issues are making you too sensitive to what happened.” “You’re just fixating on this because of your OCD.”

These statements compound trauma by using a person’s neurotype against them, suggesting their perception of harm isn’t valid but rather a symptom to be dismissed. For neurodivergent survivors, healing often involves the additional work of separating legitimate trauma responses from the stigma surrounding their neurological differences.

If you’re a neurodivergent trauma survivor, know that your experiences are valid, your perceptions are real, and your unique neurological makeup doesn’t make your trauma any less significant. In fact, the intersection of trauma and neurodivergence deserves specialized understanding and support, not dismissal.

Copyright Notice: This excerpt is from my forthcoming book. All content is © 2025 Worldwide Groove Corporation. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited. Thank you for respecting my work. 😊

Photo Credit: Author, Substack

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

***Trigger Warning***

This article discusses specific, explicit, aspects of a personal trauma story. Please be kind to yourself as you read.

What do you carry with you every single day?

Many people quietly live in the world today with burdens from a life filled with trauma. It could be events that happened decades ago, but they feel like they permeate everything you say and do in your present life.

How do we help and support trauma survivors? Does anyone really care?

I believe that everyone’s life matters and nobody should suffer when there is help and support out there. I know, because I had to suffer alone for decades, until I discovered that there is help.

Many people tell me that the past is the past, and it’s best to leave it at that. I wish I could shake them at that moment and tell them:

“Don’t you get it at all….?”

Because trauma experiences follow survivors.

It’s in every breath we take, every emotion we feel and in every situation we encounter. It’s sitting there in the essence of our being and enhances everything tenfold.

Life unfolds in greater depth.

When bad situations happen, survivors feel them at quadruple intensity. Emotions such as sadness and anger can change the outlook of our day because we feel too much.

Don’t you think we would forget what happened to us if we could?

Trauma memories aren’t like normal memories.

They still live in the way you hold your body. They live in the tense shoulders, and inside that pain in your chest comes and goes when you hear a trigger.

• A smell
• A sound
• A certain accent
• Food
• Emotions from strangers nearby
• BAM!

The triggers take you back to a time you don’t want to revisit and keep you there in full 3D — like your very own movie. Your brain has hijacked your present and taken you back to the worst time of your life.

The memory movie doesn’t ask for an appointment in your calendar or knock on your door before wreaking havoc inside your nervous system.

Trauma hits you like a tornado and floods your head with images and feelings like a soup of pain. Nothing makes sense at that moment. Heck, you don’t even know where you are anymore and what year it is.

Everything stops as your brain hijacks your thoughts.

I was at a kid’s birthday party once, and something triggered me and I dropped a plate and froze. I scared all the kids from my robot-like state, and my own kids were crying when I couldn’t respond to them for a few moments. It was like having a seizure, except I don’t suffer from epilepsy. I’m a trauma survivor.

It’s embarrassing to have these traumatic flashbacks from triggers because most often, you cannot talk about what’s happening in your brain afterwards.

I mean who wants to share with their boss that you just had a vivid trauma memory about being gangraped? Or held at knife point? Or witnessed someone being strangled? It’s painful and far to private to be shared with anyone.

This is why trauma survivors suffer alone. But the pain is real. We are not mentally ill. We are traumatized and the pain can be healed by people showing kindness and compassion.

I’ve had all these memories in public situations. I know how it feels and embarrassment is top of my list.

It’s in the silent grief that never had a name because you were too young to understand what was happening to you. But your body remembers everything, including how you felt.

• Fear
• The pain
• The shame
• The guilt

Every emotion under the planet couldn’t explain what was going on in your head.

The symptoms that were never seen by a doctor and were dismissed untreated. You learned that you didn’t matter and it’s still a feeling you struggle with every day.

The silence that threatens to overcome every thought and action, which can suck out the air of the room in a nano second. (Yeah, you’re not sure about that one, but it’s there.)

The exhaustion that comes from trying to heal in a world where trauma has become the daily grind, but nobody does anything to acknowledge that it exists.

Why?

How do you function after reliving a memory like that?

I can tell you, it’s not easy because I’m living this life. As the years go by, the memories fade a little, and the worst of them don’t return in such horrific detail. Yet, they still return.

Does anyone care anymore about trauma survivors?

I do, and I see people’s pain. I don’t just see it; I feel it because I’ve lived with the same heaviness and grief for too long. I recognize it as a pair of comfortable sneakers that fit your body just right.

Except seeing people’s pain is nothing like those sneakers. It hurts to see someone in pain, and I want to help. Take away the pain so that nobody feels it the way I do.

When words aren’t enough to help my wounded soul, I turn to nature. I sit by the ocean and tune into the sea breeze. I listen to the sound of the waves and the sand as they meet. I hear the birds and creatures comforting screech.

Nature is where we come from.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

https://ko-fi.com/elizabe69245484

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Photo Credit: Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

“I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman.” – Virginia Woolf.

Virginia Woolf’s epic observation, often rephrased as “For most of history, Anonymous was a woman,” is a clinical analysis of a biased history that still continues to haunt many writers, especially in conservative cultures. Many adopted pen names or vague pseudonyms out of necessity.

History is full of these survival tactics. The Brontë Sisters published as Currer, Ellis, and Acton Bell to avoid being “looked on with prejudice.” George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) knew her work required a male name to be taken seriously. Jane Austen wrote simply as “By a Lady” to shield her family from scandal. Centuries later, E.L. James (Erika Mitchell) of “Fifty Shades of Grey” fame chose a pen name to write bold themes without judgment. And then there is J.K. Rowling.

For these writers, anonymity was a shield to navigate a world that punished their voices. Their narratives remind us how exclusion, gatekeeping, and the pressure to perform or disappear have long shaped who gets heard—and who gets erased.

Never  Hide Your Voice: Own it

‘If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.’ — George Orwell.

My experience has been a masterclass in life lessons. I speak only for myself here. I have anxiety, BPD, and mild ADHD, and I am no expert on human behaviour. Yet every time I think I’ve finally built a shield against toxic behaviour, life comes crashing with another powerful lesson.

Lack of Empathy, and Dehumanization

Truth be told, we are constantly surrounded by mirrors—people whose kindness, cruelty, manipulation, or love reveal who we are.

As humans, we cannot live as islands. We crave the security of community. Yet the dark irony is that we often judge others to feel we belong in a community.

We huddle into cliques, become self-appointed gatekeepers of groups, and decide who is in and who is out.

We use taunts and jabs by indirect implication. We hide behind herds, and God help the person who doesn’t fit the mold.

When “Your Circle” Weaponizes Power &Triggers CPTSD

For CPTSD survivors, the deepest wounds often come not from dramatic violence, the screaming arguments, the stinging blow of physical abuse, or getting sucker punched. It happens from slow, agonizing social isolation—whether chosen or weaponized by others. In my dysfunctional family, the people meant to be my safe haven hurt me in ways that still echo to this day.

Toxic families and friends can use exclusion and isolation to hurt you. This is a silent ban with a thousand cuts, delivered by people who claim to care about you.

The “Outcast/Blacksheep” Syndrome

I have anxiety, BPD, and mild ADHD; growing up in a dysfunctional family, my sister and I were the “unnecessary baggage” . We were outcasts because it was easier for the “strong adults” to trample the “weak children.”

“There is bullying, and then there is bullying of the worst kind; it’s called ‘social isolation… where you herd together ‘the strong’ and trample ‘the weak’ because there is strength in numbers.” — Jenney Clark, Don’t Be Afraid to Love

When you grow up with BPD, your nervous system learns that safety is conditional. You learn that if you don’t “perform” how the family wants, you will be cast out. This is the very definition of CPTSD. It is about the constant, looming threat of being abandoned, socially and emotionally.

Tales from the Trenches

Discrimination and bullying don’t end just because people become adults after they get their degree or a manager’s office. It just gets a more expensive haircut, a success or money-can-buy-anything uncivilized behaviour, and a “social” mask. I’ve seen it play out in my own life for years, through family, work, and inner circles. These are situations that shaped my life.

Consider the dynamic I encountered a few years back.

The Architect, a person with professional standing who never raised their voice. Instead, they used the “social snub”: inviting me to events only to exclude me from conversations, joking loudly with others just out of my reach. It was a clear power move signalling to the room: She is on the outside. It keeps you permanently on the outside looking in.

Not calling out such behaviour is tantamount to letting this form of bullying happen to someone else.

Then, there are the Bystanders. The ones who watched this happen. This person was the “silent enabler.” They will look at you, shrug, and justify the Architect’s behavior. “Oh, they didn’t mean it like that.” But their eyes will say, I’m just happy it’s you and not me. In a clique, silence isn’t neutral. By saying nothing, the Bystander becomes the enabler. If you dont speak out against a wrong, you are an accomplice.

Discrimination and Baiting Crowd: Why This Triggers CPTSD

Is bullying even more contemptible when it is done by adults?

For those of us with childhood trauma, these adult “toxic communities” are  retraumatizing. They mirror the “outcast” feeling of being unprotected and unseen. When your experience is invalidated as “everyone goes through difficulties,” it triggers a primal survival fear. Imagine opening your heart to trusted people and getting trolled for baring your soul to them.

It’s a psychological hijack. You feel like you are five years old, abandoned, and alone again

And the worst part? The gaslighting that follows—“You’re too sensitive,” “It’s all in your head”—is classic emotional abuse.

Choosing “Real Love” Over “Fake Safety”

The hardest lesson I’ve learned—and one I’m calling from the rooftops to my fellow trauma warriors is that you cannot find “healing” in toxic relationships.

If you’re feeling alone, consider this:

Call out the bully: Bullies are often cowards, and they no longer exist only on the playground. They exist on your social media as trolls behind the safety of a screen; they are in your teams and in your communities. Calling out their behaviour sets boundaries, stops the cycle of abuse, and asserts that their behaviour is unacceptable.

• Recognize people for who they are: Some people thrive  on security in numbers, rather than authenticity or inner resilience. Their need for control says everything about them and nothing about your worth.
• Forgive, but set boundaries: As for me, I forgave those who hurt me, yet I no longer allow them space in my life.
• Seek your genuine exceptions: Look for the rare souls who offer kindness when it costs them something—the “loyalists” who provide support and unconditional love.
• Refuse to settle: You are as worthy. Real love—authentic connection—exists outside the trolling and herd mentality.

Don’t shrink yourself to fit rooms that want to keep you out. Healing means refusing to let others define your story.

Practical Steps for Healing from Trauma

• Understand your triggers and patterns: Journal the ways childhood dysfunctions, bullying, and toxic behaviours have shaped your nervous system responses.
• Practice somatic safety: Gentle body-based practices such as grounding, mindfulness, and breathwork help “the fight or flight” mode that exclusion triggers.
• Build micro-connections: Start with one safe person or a small, values-aligned group rather than seeking large groups.
• Seek trauma-informed support: Therapies like EMDR, somatic experiencing, or CPTSD-focused groups can help with relational wounds.

While everyone’s journey is unique, in my experience, reaching out for support helps.  If you are experiencing any form of toxic relationships, bullying, adult bullying, or isolation, reach out to the CPTSD Foundation community or a trauma-informed therapist. You are not alone. The only person who can truly grant us freedom is ourselves. So, take your power back!!!

Resources & References

• Relational Trauma: CPTSD Foundation – Treating Complex Relational Trauma
  https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/11/14/treating-complex-relational-trauma/
  https://cptsdfoundation.org/2026/02/19/the-hidden-legacy-of-relational-trauma-breaking-free-from-codependency-and-complex-ptsd/)
• Scapegoating Dynamics: Psychology Today
  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/family-dynamics
  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202104/how-toxic-families-choose-a-child-to-scapegoat)
• My Journey: Awakened Souls Podcast | www.jenneyclark.com
  

International Support for Adult Bullying, Trauma & Isolation:

• Befrienders Worldwide – Emotional support and listening services in over 90 countries (find local helplines): https://befrienders.org/
• International Bullying Prevention Association (IBPA) – Global resources for bullying prevention and intervention: https://ibpaworld.org/
• International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD) – Resources, fact sheets, and therapist locator for complex trauma: https://www.isst-d.org/
• Blue Knot Foundation (Australia-focused but useful internationally for complex trauma survivors): https://blueknot.org.au/ (Helpline: 1300 657 380)
• Support: If you are experiencing adult bullying, reach out to the Workplace Bullying Institute (a leading resource for adult and workplace bullying support) https://workplacebullying.org/
• Additional general support: StopBullying.gov resources for adults – https://www.stopbullying.gov/

If you’re in immediate distress or crisis anywhere in the world, reach out to a local helpline via Befrienders Worldwide or your country’s emergency services.

Photo by Luke Leung on Unsplash

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

The Weight You Carry

You wake up each morning with a heaviness that makes even lifting your head from the pillow feel impossible. The weight isn’t physical—it’s the accumulation of emotional wounds, betrayals, and the exhausting effort of pretending to be okay when you’re anything but.

There’s a peculiar kind of loneliness in walking through the world carrying this invisible burden. People pass by with casual greetings—”How are you?”—a question that forces you into an impossible choice: lie and say “I’m fine” while wanting to die inside, or risk the vulnerability of honesty when so few truly understand the depth of your pain.

So you smile. You nod. You perform the dance of normalcy while inside, a voice whispers that continuing to exist shouldn’t be this unbearable.

The Fog of Invisibility

In this state, it becomes frighteningly easy to picture a world without you in it. Not because you’re actively planning to leave, but because you fundamentally believe you don’t matter—not really. Even when people insist you’re important to them, their words can’t penetrate the dense fog you’re lost in.

You don’t even remember when you started believing you don’t matter. It feels like a truth you’ve always known, buried deep in your bones. There seems to be no amount of love, affirmation, or validation that will make it register in your soul that you truly matter. The narcissist didn’t create this belief, but they identified it with unerring precision and exploited it until it grew to consume your entire reality. Palpably feeling loved seems like something “other people” get to have, but it seems impossible for you.

For many survivors, the only tether keeping them anchored to this world is their children. The thought of abandoning their kids is unthinkable—the one line they won’t cross. But this creates its own cruel trap: they don’t want to be in this harsh world, yet they can’t leave it. They’re caught in limbo, neither fully living nor able to escape.

This brings crushing waves of guilt. They grieve the time they’ve lost with their children while battling this internal darkness. They mourn not being the parents they desperately want to be—fully present, engaged, and joyful. Instead, they go through the motions, knowing their kids are growing up, that these fleeting years are passing, and that irreplaceable stretches of precious parent/child moments have been robbed by this struggle.

They’ll never get that time back. And just knowing this doesn’t magically end the struggle. So they face the heartbreaking knowledge that more days will be lost, more precious moments missed, before their children are grown and gone.

The Silent Struggle: Loss of Will to Live

Victims may feel deep apathy, hopelessness, or a loss of motivation to engage in life or pursue future goals. In narcissistic abuse and complex trauma, this often comes from prolonged emotional, psychological, or relational distress caused by the abusive dynamic.

This isn’t about wanting to die—it’s about no longer feeling capable of living. It’s waking up each morning, believing you don’t have what it takes to survive in this world. And you can’t imagine having to endure more days, months, decades feeling this way. Thinking about the future feels overwhelming and triggering because you’re bracing yourself for the next wrecking ball.

For survivors of narcissistic abuse, this silent struggle often goes unrecognized. Friends and family might see someone functioning—going to work, maintaining appearances—while inside, that person feels panic and dread about their own existence.

The Inner Struggle: Beyond the Surface

When Words Fail

For many people actively struggling with the loss of will to live, simply forming words to describe their experience becomes impossible. They may receive a text from a concerned friend asking, “How are you?” and find themselves staring at the screen, utterly paralyzed.

This isn’t merely an emotional block—it’s rooted in brain biology. When trauma overwhelms us, our nervous system can shift into a protective shutdown mode (what scientists call a “dorsal vagal state”). In this survival state, the thinking and language parts of our brain temporarily go offline. The brain literally deprioritizes our ability to form words and sentences while it focuses on basic survival functions. This is why trauma researchers sometimes refer to this as “speechless terror”—the experience is so overwhelming that the brain’s language centers cannot process or express it.

To someone who hasn’t experienced this state, it seems inconceivable that a person couldn’t muster a simple response. But in these moments, language itself becomes inaccessible. How do you translate the vast, formless void inside you into words? How do you explain that you’re simultaneously numb and in excruciating pain? That you feel nothing and everything at once? And you’re literally incapable of expressing it.

So the message sits unanswered. Adding another layer of shame, another reason to withdraw further, believing you don’t have what it takes to live in this world.

“But My Abuse Wasn’t That Bad”

A common obstacle to seeking help is the belief that their experiences “weren’t bad enough” to justify their deep suffering. Survivors often downplay their trauma, thinking:

“Other people have it so much worse.” “I wasn’t physically harmed, so why am I falling apart?” “They didn’t mean to hurt me, so this isn’t really abuse.” “I’m just too sensitive.”

Many struggle to accept the word “abuse,” finding it hard to connect it to their experience. This minimization isn’t accidental—it’s often shaped by the abuser, who downplays the harm they cause and makes the victim feel like their reactions are overblown.

This cycle of self-doubt deepens the pain, layering shame about the struggle itself on top of the original trauma.

The Protective Part That Wants to Give Up

In the internal family systems (IFS) therapy model, the part of us that wants to stop living isn’t trying to harm us—it’s trying to protect us in the only way it knows how. It’s not a destructive impulse but a misguided protector that sees ending the struggle as the only solution.

This part formed when other coping strategies failed—when fighting didn’t work, fleeing wasn’t an option, and freezing no longer brought relief. It whispers, “I can make the pain stop,” believing it’s offering mercy, not destruction.

Recognizing this as a protective response, however paradoxical, can help survivors replace fear and shame with self-compassion.

Living Minute by Minute

For someone in acute crisis, even “taking things one day at a time” can feel overwhelming. Their world narrows to surviving moment by moment, unable to imagine a future beyond the next few minutes.

They genuinely don’t know how they’ll exist from one hour to the next. Basic tasks become monumental achievements—eating a meal, taking a shower, responding to a text. On particularly difficult days, the only goal might be to eat three small meals or simply not resort to hospitalization.

These individuals often develop elaborate ways to avoid potential triggers. They may:

• Avoid all public places or social media for fear that one negative interaction with a stranger could push them over the edge
• Stop watching any shows with suspenseful or emotional content
• Experience panic at notification sounds, dreading the task of responding
• Rehearse casual conversations to prepare for inevitable social interactions

It cannot be overstated how fragile someone can be during these periods—existing in a constant state of pain and torment, where the slightest additional stress threatens to break them completely.

The Invisible Wounds

Beneath the surface of daily life, survivors of narcissistic abuse carry unseen wounds that impact every part of their being—their thoughts, emotions, physical health, and spiritual well-being. The harm runs deep because it attacks their very sense of identity and self-worth, leaving them questioning their right to exist.

Causes:

Existential Shame and Humiliation: Beyond ordinary shame about actions or behaviors, narcissistic abuse often creates a profound existential shame—the feeling that your very existence is somehow wrong or flawed.

This isn’t simply feeling bad about something you did; it’s feeling that who you fundamentally are is defective. The narcissist’s constant criticism, devaluation, and manipulation create a state of existential humiliation where you feel inherently unworthy of taking up space in the world. This deep shame becomes a core identity, making the thought of continuing to exist feel pointless or even wrong. You’re embarrassed at your own existence.

Emotional Exhaustion: Victims of narcissistic abuse often endure relentless invalidation, neglect, and emotional turmoil, leading to extreme fatigue and loss of motivation.

The constant vigilance required to navigate a relationship with a narcissist—walking on eggshells, managing their unpredictable moods, defending against accusations, and trying to make sense of reality when someone keeps distorting it—taxes every emotional resource you have. Eventually, your emotional reserves are completely depleted. You have nothing left to give—not even to yourself.

Hopelessness and Worthlessness: Narcissistic abuse can erode a person’s self-esteem and sense of worth, fostering feelings of being trapped and powerless.

After years of being told you’re not enough, that your feelings don’t matter, or that you’re the problem, you begin to see yourself through the narcissist’s distorted lens. Your achievements become meaningless, your dreams seem ridiculous, and your future appears pointless. Why bother living when you’ve been convinced your life has no value?

Cognitive Dissonance: The conflict between reality and the narcissist’s false narratives can contribute to confusion, self-doubt, and despair, making life seem meaningless.

Living in two worlds—the real one and the narcissist’s version—fractures your sense of truth. You doubt your own perceptions and memories. This constant state of uncertainty exhausts the mind and spirit, making simple decisions feel overwhelming. Life becomes a maze with no exit, where nothing makes sense anymore.

Identity Erosion: When someone systematically strips away your sense of self, you may eventually forget who you are outside of the abuse.

The narcissist slowly replaces your authentic self with the version of who you must become to survive. Your preferences, boundaries, dreams, and even your personality become shaped by their demands and criticisms. When you finally emerge from the relationship, you may feel like a stranger to yourself, unsure of what you like, what you want, or who you are meant to be.

The Layered Nature of Trauma: Many survivors of narcissistic abuse carry previous wounds from childhood that made them vulnerable to narcissistic manipulation in the first place.

Childhood emotional neglect, attachment trauma, or growing up with narcissistic parents can create the perfect foundation for later narcissistic abuse. The narcissist didn’t create your wounds—they simply found them with unerring precision and exploited them. This layering of trauma upon trauma creates a compounding effect, making recovery particularly challenging. You’re not just healing from the current relationship but from a lifetime of having your sense of self and worth undermined.

Grieving What Was Lost

Survivors of narcissistic abuse often carry an unspoken, invisible grief—a mourning that few recognize or validate. Unlike grief caused by death, this loss is ambiguous, complex, and deeply personal. What has been stolen isn’t just a relationship or a period of time—it’s a sense of safety, trust, identity, and sometimes, even the belief that joy is possible.

You may grieve the person you were before the abuse—someone who once moved through life with more ease, trust, or optimism. Or perhaps you grieve the time you lost—years spent trying to make things work, trying to be enough, trying to survive in an environment that was slowly eroding you. Some mourn the family they never truly had, realizing that the people who were supposed to love them were incapable of doing so in a way that was safe or nurturing.

Grief may also appear in unexpected ways: feeling waves of sorrow over memories that now seem tainted, feeling anger over what you tolerated before you understood it was abuse, or feeling deep sadness when you witness healthy relationships and realize what you never had.

Many survivors struggle with self-blame in their grief. They wonder, Why didn’t I see it sooner? Why didn’t I leave earlier? Why did I let it affect me this much? But this is not a failure on your part—it is a testament to how deeply you loved, how hard you tried, and how much you deserved better.

Grieving is painful, but it is also proof that you are healing. It means you are recognizing what you lost, what was taken from you, and what you still deserve. True healing doesn’t mean erasing the grief—it means making space for it while also making space for what comes next: reclaiming your life, your identity, and your future.

Living in the Shadow

When the will to live has been eroded by narcissistic abuse, survivors don’t just think differently—they experience the world differently. What was once colorful becomes gray; what once brought joy becomes empty; what once felt meaningful becomes pointless. This isn’t simply a shift in perspective but a fundamental alteration in how reality is experienced moment by moment. The outer persona may continue to function while the inner self has gone dormant, creating a shadow existence where one merely goes through the motions of living.

Manifestation:

Emotional Numbness: Victims may experience detachment from their emotions, as the constant invalidation and gaslighting make it difficult to trust their own perceptions.

Survivors often describe feeling like they’re “dead inside” or “just going through the motions.” This numbness isn’t a choice—it’s the mind’s way of protecting itself from overwhelming pain. When feelings have been weaponized against you, shutting them down becomes a survival strategy.

Reduced Capacity for Joy: Simple pleasures and future aspirations become difficult to connect with, as the narcissistic relationship strips away a sense of purpose and hope.

Activities you once loved bring no satisfaction. Future dreams seem pointless or unattainable. The present moment feels empty. This isn’t depression as most people understand it—it’s a profound disconnection from the very things that make life worth living.

Self-Isolation: Withdrawal from social connections and neglect of personal care are common as the person feels disconnected from the world.

The energy required for social interaction becomes too much to bear. Basic self-care feels pointless. Why shower, eat well, or rest when nothing matters anyway? This withdrawal often reinforces the feeling of disconnection, creating a cycle that’s difficult to break.

Persistent Feeling of Defeat: A pervasive sense that no matter what you do, things will never improve or change.

This isn’t pessimism—it’s the result of having your efforts consistently undermined, your successes diminished, and your hopes repeatedly crushed. When every attempt to improve your situation has been sabotaged, giving up seems like the only logical response.

Small Triggers, Massive Waves

For survivors with Complex PTSD from narcissistic abuse, what appears to be a minor incident can trigger a catastrophic collapse of your will to live. The depth of this reaction often seems incomprehensible to those who haven’t experienced complex trauma.

When Trust Is Shattered Again

Consider this true story: A trauma survivor hired a dog sitter through a reputable company while away on vacation. Midway through the trip, they discovered through security cameras that the sitter was neglecting their beloved pet—not staying at the house as promised, leaving the dog alone for 17 hours, failing to provide food, and sending false updates about the dog’s care.

From several states away, they scrambled to find emergency care for their pet while documenting the neglect with timestamped video evidence. The vacation was ruined, but worse was coming. Despite irrefutable evidence and promises from the company, the sitter remained on the platform after being suspended for only one day, even posting public lies denying any wrongdoing and openly calling the survivor a liar.

For someone without trauma, this would be infuriating. For a complex trauma survivor, it was catastrophic. The combination of betrayed trust, gaslighting, injustice, powerlessness, and institutional failure to protect the vulnerable hit every trigger point from their abuse history. Being publicly called a liar—and watching that lie be allowed to stand without consequence—recreated the exact dynamic of their previous trauma. And doing everything in their power to pursue justice, only to have no influence, was soul shattering. For weeks afterward, they found themselves thinking, “I don’t want to be alive anymore.” The depth of despair was so severe they had to ask family not to leave them unattended.

To an outsider, this reaction might seem disproportionate. But trauma doesn’t operate on logic. When your psyche has been previously shattered, even the smallest betrayals can reopen those wounds completely.

The Invisibility of Triggers

Triggers can be unexpectedly small—a flash of painful memory, an unanswered message, a minor mistake at work. To others, these moments seem trivial, but to a trauma survivor, they can spiral into despair in an instant, reigniting feelings of shame, abandonment, or fear. The body reacts as if the past is happening all over again, no matter how much time has passed. For someone with CPTSD, these moments can instantly trigger:

• Emotional Flashbacks: Suddenly feeling the same helplessness, shame, or terror you experienced during the abuse
• Overwhelming Fatigue: A wave of soul level exhaustion that makes continuing to stay alive seem impossible
• Dissociation: Mentally “checking out” because reality becomes too painful
• Return to Hopelessness: All progress seems erased in an instant
• Sleep Seeking: The desperate wish to “go to sleep and never wake up”—not actively wanting to die, but wanting desperately for the pain to stop

What makes these triggers so devastating is that they often appear inconsequential to others. A friend’s constructive feedback becomes a crushing blow. A minor setback feels like definitive proof of your worthlessness. A happy memory brings guilt and confusion rather than joy.

The thoughts that follow aren’t dramatic plans for self-harm but quiet surrenders: “Being alive is too hard.” “I can’t do this anymore.” “I just want this to be over.”

This is why recovery isn’t linear. A survivor might be doing well for weeks or months, only to encounter a trigger that temporarily erases all sense of progress and returns them to that place of not wanting to continue living. And they often suffer in complete silence, because how do you explain to someone that a seemingly minor disappointment has made you lose your will to live?

Read the rest of this article in the first book of Ellen’s series “There’s A Word for That”: https://a.co/d/01GdqiwJ

Copyright Notice: This excerpt is from my book. All content is © 2025 Worldwide Groove Corporation. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited. Thank you for respecting my work. 😊

Photo Credit: Author – Additional Terms and disclaimers for images used in my posts on CPTSD Foundation.

Guest Post Disclaimer: This guest post is for educational and informational purposes only. Nothing shared here, across CPTSDfoundation.org, any CPTSD Foundation website, our associated communities, or our Social Media accounts, is intended to substitute for or supersede the professional advice and direction of your medical or mental health providers. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CPTSD Foundation. For further details, please review the following: Terms of Service, Privacy Policy and Full Disclaimer

When Trauma Leaves You In Hibernation Mode

Have you withdrawn from the world, feeling disconnected, like you don’t know how to live a “normal” life? Watching everything happen from behind glass? Does stepping back outside and re-engaging feel impossible? You’re not alone. Many trauma survivors experience “functional freeze”—a protective shutdown affecting nearly every aspect of life.

Luis Goes Into Hibernation: A Story

Luis used to be known for his energy – always the first to suggest a weekend hike, quick to laugh, and passionate about his work as a school counselor.

What others didn’t see was how Luis had spent his childhood walking on eggshells around an unpredictable parent with addiction issues. He’d learned early to be hyper-aware of others’ emotions, to make himself useful, to prevent conflict. He’d worked hard to overcome these patterns as an adult, building a life where he felt relatively safe and valued. In this season, he found stability by spending time with his closest friend since childhood, Steven. And Luis was saving up to buy an engagement ring for his long time partner Francesca.

Then began the harsh winds. First, the cold front arrived with the systematic undermining by a new principal who questioned his every decision and took credit for Luis’s programs. Around the same time, Steven moved across the country, leaving Luis without their regular workouts, pool nights, and belly laughs.

Then, bringing the first hard frost, Francesca dumped Luis for a younger guitar player. And as winter truly set in, Luis was mugged while walking to clear his head in a quiet park he’d always come to for peace – an event his sister dismissed with “at least they didn’t hurt you.” His roommate Marco, while not unkind, was emotionally distant and uncomfortable with vulnerable conversations.

As temperatures plunged outside, Luis felt winter spreading within him too.

First came the fatigue – bone-deep and unrelenting. He started declining social invitations, his body too heavy to move beyond necessary tasks. “Just busy,” he’d text, watching the chat bubbles fade as friends eventually stopped asking.

By mid-winter, Luis’s apartment became his cave – a place of necessary retreat. His entire system powered down. The dirty dishes didn’t register. The unwashed laundry didn’t matter. Marco’s comments about “pulling your weight around here” barely penetrated the protective numbness.

When absolutely required to leave for work, Luis would muster everything he had to get by – then return to collapse in exhaustion. At night, he’d stare blankly at his phone for hours, scrolling past images of former friends at concerts and dinners, feeling a hollow ache but lacking the energy to even name the feeling.

His sister kept telling Luis to go on antidepressants, but she didn’t understand. This wasn’t depression. This was survival.

Spring arrived outside, but not within. Luis remained in his protective cave. He couldn’t remember what spring felt like anymore, couldn’t imagine ever wanting to feel the sun again.

In the depth of his hibernation, Luis couldn’t see that beneath the frozen surface, something was still alive, waiting for conditions to become safe enough to emerge. He just wanted to sleep and couldn’t even think about waking up.

Understanding Functional Freeze

What Luis is experiencing has a name in trauma psychology: functional freeze. Like hibernation in the natural world, functional freeze is a protective response to threatening conditions – not a character flaw or personal failing, but a natural adaptation when the environment becomes too harsh to navigate normally.

Functional freeze happens when your nervous system shifts into a state of profound shutdown (what therapists call a “dorsal vagal state”) to protect you from perceived threats that feel inescapable. It’s your body’s way of saying, “I can’t fight this danger, I can’t run from it, so I’ll preserve energy and disappear.”

This isn’t a conscious choice – it’s a neurobiological response controlled by your autonomic nervous system, specifically the oldest part of your vagus nerve. You didn’t decide to enter this state of withdrawal. Your body made this choice for you based on what it learned was necessary for survival.

A former marketing executive describes her experience: “After years of psychological abuse from my boss, I found myself unable to do the simplest things. I’d stare at my phone, knowing I should call friends back, but it felt like trying to lift a thousand pounds. Even making dinner decisions became overwhelming. I wasn’t depressed exactly – it was like my whole system had just… powered down.”

The Freeze Response Spectrum: From Fluctuating to Complete Shutdown

It’s important to understand that freeze responses exist on a spectrum, with several distinct forms that vary in intensity and impact on functioning. Understanding where you fall on this spectrum can help in recognizing your patterns and developing appropriate support strategies.

Fluctuating Freeze

Many trauma survivors experience fluctuating levels of freeze, moving between:

• Periods of greater engagement and capacity
• Episodes of deeper withdrawal and shutdown
• Cycles that may be affected by stress, triggers, or physical health

Partial or Situational Freeze

Some people experience freeze responses that are triggered only in specific situations or contexts:

• Freezing in social situations while functioning well alone
• Freezing at work but being more engaged at home
• Experiencing freeze only when confronted with specific triggers

Functional Freeze

The form of freeze described throughout this article is “functional freeze” – a state where the person maintains some minimal functioning while still experiencing profound shutdown in many areas of life. In functional freeze, a person can:

• Maintain basic survival needs, though often with difficulty
• Perform certain required tasks (like going to work) while collapsing afterward
• Engage in limited necessary interactions
• Appear “normal” to casual observers for brief periods

Complete Freeze and Tonic Immobility

At the most severe end of the spectrum is what might be called “non-functional freeze” or “complete freeze.” In this state, a person may be:

• Unable to maintain even basic self-care
• Physically immobilized for extended periods
• Completely withdrawn from all social contact
• Unable to work or engage in any productive activity
• In need of immediate intervention and help

This profound shutdown may require hospitalization or intensive support, as the person cannot meet their basic needs. It often occurs during or immediately after acute trauma.

In its most extreme manifestation, the freeze response can progress to complete physical shutdown – literally making it impossible to move, speak, or react. This is your body’s ancient “playing dead” response (what scientists call “tonic immobility”).

Just as certain animals become completely still when trapped by a predator, humans can experience this profound immobilization in moments of overwhelming threat. Someone experiencing tonic immobility might feel physically unable to move despite wanting to, be unable to call out or speak, remain conscious but unable to control their body, experience a sensation of heaviness or paralysis, or have difficulty breathing normally

Although this response is most common during acute traumatic events, some survivors experience episodes of tonic immobility even years later when faced with triggers that remind them of past trauma. This isn’t a conscious choice or “freezing up” from fear – it’s a primitive survival mechanism activating at a neurological level.

Like a hibernating animal whose bodily functions slow to near standstill during the deepest winter, tonic immobility represents the most profound conservation of resources in the face of perceived inescapable threat.

The spectrum is not fixed – many people move through different points as their healing progresses, sometimes experiencing improvements followed by temporary regressions. If you’re experiencing complete freeze or tonic immobility, please seek immediate professional help, as this state can become dangerous to your physical health and safety.

The Foundational Impact of Childhood Trauma

For many people experiencing functional freeze, the roots extend back to childhood experiences. When childhood trauma or neglect occurs, the developing nervous system learns early that the world isn’t safe, creating a foundation for freeze responses later in life.

Childhood trauma can include:

• Overt abuse – Physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse from caregivers
• Neglect – When basic physical or emotional needs aren’t met, whether intentionally or unintentionally. This includes parents who were physically present but emotionally absent, or who couldn’t provide consistent care due to their own struggles
• Witnessing violence or conflict – Seeing abuse or intense conflict between family members, in the neighborhood, or at school, even when not directly targeted. This can include repeated exposure to frightening or age-inappropriate media content, especially when there’s no adult support to process these experiences
• Attachment disruptions – Inconsistent caregiving, frequent separations, or abandonment, starting from birth
• Emotional invalidation – When feelings are consistently ignored, dismissed, minimized, or punished. This includes being told you’re “too sensitive” or that your experiences aren’t real
• Unrecognized traumas – Experiences society often normalizes: severe bullying, medical procedures without adequate support, being forced to suppress your identity, or growing up in a home with addiction or mental illness

Even when caregivers weren’t intentionally harmful, their own trauma, mental health struggles, addiction, or inability to provide consistent emotional support can create lasting impacts on a child’s developing nervous system. As in Luis’s case, many adults with functional freeze have childhood histories where they learned to always scan for danger in others’ emotions, suppress their own needs and feelings, take responsibility for others’ emotional states, or see the world as fundamentally unsafe.

These early patterns create nervous system pathways that make the person more susceptible to freeze responses when trauma occurs in adulthood. What might seem like an “overreaction” to others (like Luis’s response to being mugged, according to his sister) makes perfect sense when understood as a reactivation of early survival patterns.

When childhood trauma exists, there may be no clear “pre-trauma” self to return to – but there is still the possibility of creating new patterns of safety, connection, and aliveness.

The Physical Reality and Biology of Functional Freeze

Functional freeze isn’t just a psychological state – it creates profound physiological changes in your body. Understanding these biological aspects helps explain why willpower alone isn’t enough to overcome freeze.

How Your Body Changes in Freeze

When your nervous system enters protective shutdown, significant biological changes occur:

• Energy conservation – Your body drastically reduces energy available for “non-essential” functions. Physical activities, social engagement, creative thinking, planning for the future, and even basic self-care become nearly impossible as your body diverts limited resources toward basic survival functions.
• Hormone dysregulation – Particularly stress hormones like cortisol, which affect every system in your body from metabolism to immune function to sleep regulation
• Immune changes – Leading to increased inflammation and vulnerability to illness, as your body prioritizes immediate survival over long-term health maintenance
• Sleep disruption – Even when sleeping more hours than normal, trauma can prevent the deep, restorative sleep cycles your body needs, leading to persistent fatigue despite seemingly adequate or even excessive rest
• Digestive issues – Creating gut problems such as irritable bowel, inflammation, or stress-related digestive disturbances that further limit activity and well-being
• Appetite dysregulation – Either loss of appetite or emotional/comfort eating as the body’s attempt to regulate through food
• Diminished awareness – Feeling “numb,” “foggy,” or “not really here” as the brain protects itself from overwhelming emotions, including becoming blind to environmental disorder or clutter
• Minimal movement – Feeling “stuck” or “paralyzed,” struggling to initiate even basic tasks that require planning or sustained effort
• Reduced engagement with pleasurable activities – Diminished interest in previously enjoyable activities and withdrawal from things that once brought joy (a state known as “anhedonia”)
• Energy depletion at the cellular level – Affecting mitochondrial function and creating profound, bone-deep fatigue

These physical effects create a confusing reality – you have legitimate physical limitations while simultaneously experiencing psychological withdrawal. This makes it difficult to know: “Am I too tired because I’m physically ill, or is this my trauma response?”

The answer is often both, as these systems interconnect in complex ways. Your physical symptoms aren’t “just in your head” – they’re real physiological responses to trauma that require both physical and psychological healing approaches.

When Trauma Speaks Through Your Body

One of the most misunderstood aspects of functional freeze is how trauma manifests physically. Many survivors develop very real physical symptoms that doctors struggle to explain through conventional testing.

Unlike the outdated concept of “psychosomatic illness” which suggested symptoms were somehow imaginary or “all in your head,” we now understand that trauma creates genuine physiological changes that result in real physical symptoms:

• Chronic pain without clear structural causes
• Digestive disorders and gut inflammation
• Immune system dysfunction and increased susceptibility to illness
• Migraines and tension headaches
• Skin conditions that flare with stress
• Chronic fatigue and sleep disturbances
• Unexplained dizziness or balance problems

These conditions aren’t simply your mind “creating” symptoms – they’re the result of real changes in how your nervous system, immune system, and endocrine system function after trauma. Your body remembers your trauma, even when it’s not in your conscious thoughts.

Many trauma survivors find themselves caught in a frustrating cycle of medical appointments, inconclusive tests, and providers who suggest their symptoms might be “just stress” or “anxiety.” This minimizing experience can itself become traumatizing.

When addressing physical symptoms during functional freeze, the most effective approach typically combines holistic care for the whole body, trauma-informed therapeutic approaches, nervous system regulation practices, and gentle physical movement that respects your current limitations.

Just as a hibernating animal experiences profound physiological changes – altered metabolism, immune function, and healing processes – a person in trauma-induced functional freeze experiences genuine biological changes that require both physical and psychological healing approaches.

Signs You May Be in Functional Freeze

This protective state can manifest in many ways that affect every aspect of life:

Physical and Behavioral Signs

• Deep fatigue that rest doesn’t seem to touch – Your body’s energy systems remain in conservation mode regardless of how much you sleep
• Mindless numbing activities – Endless scrolling, binge-watching shows you barely remember, or playing mobile games for hours without enjoyment
• Sleep pattern changes – Either excessive sleeping as escape or disrupted sleep despite exhaustion
• Body disconnection – Profound alienation from your physical self, beyond just neglect of appearance
• Physical symptoms in social settings – Headaches, stomach issues, or feeling faint when attempting to engage with others

Social and Environmental Signs

• Avoiding social contact – Even with people you once enjoyed, because interactions require energy your system is conserving for survival
• Preferring isolation – Feeling safest behind locked doors, even when loneliness is painful
• Missing social cues or forgetting social skills – What one could call “social atrophy” – the weakening of social muscles through disuse
• Experiencing pain seeing others’ lives – Feeling shame, grief, or envy when seeing social media posts of others living seemingly normal lives
• Environmental blindness – Not seeing clutter, mess, or disorder in your living space
• Inability to meet basic responsibilities – Struggling with tasks like cleaning or self-care, which others might label as “laziness”
• Procrastination until deadlines – Waiting until the last minute to complete necessary tasks, as the stress of an immediate deadline provides the activation energy needed to overcome freeze

Mental and Emotional Signs

• Decision paralysis – Even small choices become overwhelming, from what to eat to which route to drive
• Time perception distortions – Days blur together while individual moments can feel endless
• Persistent mortality awareness – Frequent, non-distressing thoughts about death (your own or loved ones’)
• Diminished life aspirations – Inability to envision or plan for your future
• Shame cycles – Feeling ashamed about your withdrawal, which triggers deeper withdrawal, creating more shame
• Feeling like you’re “performing” in conversations – Either sharing too much (trauma dumping) or maintaining a painful facade of normalcy

The most confusing part? You may recognize you’re not truly living but feel oddly resistant to changing this pattern because on some level, it feels safer than the alternative.

Read the rest of this article in Ellen’s first book of her “There’s A Word for That” series: https://a.co/d/02U7m1gT

Copyright Notice: This excerpt is from my book. All content is © 2025 Worldwide Groove Corporation. Unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this material without permission is prohibited. Thank you for respecting my work. 😊

This article is part of Ellen’s first book.Order on paperback or Kindle.

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Rape Crisis: England and Wales give the following statistics: Between October 2022 and September 2023: 1 in 4 women (6.54 million in total) have been raped or sexually assaulted;
1 in 6 children have been sexually abused;
1 in 18 men (1.34 million in total) have been raped or sexually abused – as adults.

On the 15th of March 2024, Rape Crisis published the following article: Alarming scale of sexual violence and abuse on mental health wards. It reads: “These investigations have uncovered deeply concerning incidents and safeguarding failures within mental health inpatient settings – almost 4,000 sexual safety ‘incidents’ were reported between January and August 2023, perpetrated by a combination of professionals and fellow patients. We commend the enormous courage and tenacity of the survivors who came forward to speak about their experiences of sexual harassment, rape and sexual abuse, raising awareness of this issue.”

Charlotte Lynch, for LBC, wrote, on January 2024: 139 Met officers reinvestigated for rape and sexual abuse after being allowed to keep their jobs. “They  (The Operation Onyx  Team) checked 1,418 officers and 218 staff for missed investigative opportunities, which resulted in 139 live rape and sexual abuse investigations now being dealt with by the Domestic Abuse and Sexual Offences team.” 

Vikram Dodd, Police and crime correspondent for The Guardian, on Fri 9 Feb 2024: Met officers dissuaded children from making sexual abuse claims, report finds “Other failures listed in the damning official report include blaming children for ‘making poor choices’ Metropolitan police officers tried to put off children from making complaints about alleged sexual abuse and privately blamed young people for crimes suffered, a damning official report has revealed. Most investigations into child exploitation were rated as inadequate by His Majesty’s Inspectorate of Constabulary (HMIC). Of the 244 cases it examined, 43 were graded as good, more than half (121) as inadequate and 80 as needing improvement.”

On the 3rd if September 2023, Ed Thomas – Special Correspondent – published on BBC News: Family courts: Children forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse. It reads: “Dozens of children have been forced into contact with fathers accused of abuse, a study has found. In some cases in the research, revealed for the first time by the BBC, the fathers were convicted paedophiles. In all cases, fathers had used a disputed concept in court known as “parental alienation”. The heartbreaking stories in the article demonstrate the little support found by protective mothers/parents, who are further abused by ex-partners and by the judicial system, separating them from their children and destroying lives instead of protecting them.
On the 17th of April 2024, Sanchia Berg, for BBC News, wrote:  Paedophiles could be stripped of parental rights under a new law

Speaking to BBC News, “Ms Harman said paedophiles who were guilty of that crime in the future would be “automatically deprived” of their parental rights.”  This is long overdue and needs to be implemented as soon as possible.

All these statistics and figures are just the tip of the iceberg. They certainly don’t reflect the profound damages (in mind, body and spirit) rape and sexual abuse/assault have on victims. For the last few years. There have been a few scandals relating to “celebrities” and individuals regarded as “powerful” and “hiding in plain sight.” Harvey Weinstein, Donald Trump, Epstein, Dan Schneider, Jimmy Saville. The list is endless. The same pattern occurs when those public figures are pulled out of the shadows, victims are treated as liars and publicly shamed: “Why did the victims speak sooner?” or “Instead of talking to journalists, why not go to the police?” Victims go to the police, and victims speak out (loud and clear), but they are the ones being relentlessly bullied: “Did you say NO?” – “Did you make it clear you didn’t want to?” “S/he/they are too powerful. Nobody will believe you.” – “It is just the s/he/they are! Let it go.”

Let’s not let the “high profile cases” make us forget all the children and adult victims and survivors in danger of sexual assault on a daily basis, at home, by a parent, a sibling, a family member, the church Priest, or the Scout coach. Perpetrators are everywhere. They are skilled liars and groom everyone around them to hide their dirty secrets, but it is clear that there is always some “rumour” or at least one person notices something but brushes it under the carpet. It isn’t that they are hiding in plain sight, it is that too many people know, but turn a blind eye.

The focus on prevention is missing the mark. Whilst educating children about personal and physical space and boundaries, “No, you can’t touch me there.” – “No, I don’t want to. Stop this” is important; it places the responsibility on the victims to stop the abuse when they, often, are too young to understand what is done to them and too young to defend themselves against an adult. The same goes for adults, especially women; “Don’t go home late and alone. Don’t listen to music when walking. Don’t wear this or that” and, again, the famous: “Make sure you make it clear: No is No” A rapist doesn’t care what a victim does or says.

A reminder: the only person entirely at fault is the abuser.

So, what needs to be done – beyond lovely slogans, #s, and prevention?

Education is needed to break all victims’ shaming and blaming myths.

Victims (big and small, and all genders) need safe places to go to and loving, supportive people around them. They need someone who holds space for all their emotions and experiences. They need to be heard.
They need professionals who do their job properly, defending them and holding the perpetrators to account.
Allies – non-abusive parents and carers – must be included in children’s care and safety plan and supported alongside their children.
Regardless of status, position of “authority”, bank accounts sizes, ALL PEPETRATORS should be arrested and face the consequences of their actions.
Law and legislation need to be changed so that supportive and protective parents can keep their children with them.

There is much to do and to be changed. Oftentimes, it feels hopeless.

Take gentle care of yourselves.

Sylvie

Helpful websites:

WE STAND: “Child sexual abuse affects the whole family. It can fracture family relationships and creates lasting trauma. We Stand takes a unique whole family approach to supporting victims of child sexual abuse and their non-abusing parents, carers, and siblings. We aim to ensure that all families impacted by child sexual abuse are supported to move on positively with their lives.”
Helping Survivors: “Our goal is to help people who have been impacted by sexual assault and abuse get the resources and assistance they need and deserve.”

The Survivors Trust – to find support in your local area

“I’m lonely. And I’m lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.”― Augusten Burroughs, “Dry”

All of us feel lonely from time to time. Whether it comes from a change of circumstances (moving, new job, kids leaving home) or is entirely innate, dealing with loneliness is a delicate yet arduous task. 

Acknowledging Loneliness

One of the hardest life lessons is examining your subconscious behaviors. While acknowledging your level of loneliness can be daunting, it remains the key to finding meaningful connections in life. 

Dr. Ramon Diaz, a practicing clinician and guest CPTSD Foundation author, explains:

“Loneliness is generally seen as a mood, not a trait. Moods have physiological and psychological features and properties. According to the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM-5-TR), loneliness is generally associated with other symptoms that make up the symptomology for clinical depression.” 

“A dopamine imbalance influences loneliness,” states Dr. Diaz who usually employs some of the following treatments:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Traditional talk therapy can be beneficial as it can focus on the generalized feeling of loneliness and its root cause. Finding mental health can be burdensome, however, with a recent mirage of therapists executing appointments online, it is as easy as ever to secure therapy.
• Identify an “emotional support person/group: Loneliness is influenced by symptoms of depression like hopelessness, low self-worth, and isolated-related behaviors. Allowing yourself the support of this person/group provides a real-world outlet and can be beneficial in understanding subconscious thoughts. 
• Create Mindfulness: A beginner yoga class and meditation can help enhance your calm. 
• Limit Screen Time: 30 minutes per day or less.

There are other ways to stave off loneliness, here are 15 tips supplied by the Mental Health Foundation: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/public-engagement/unlock-loneliness/15-things-do-if-youre-feeling-lonely

Bridge Meaningful Connections

You may have to step out of your “comfort zone” to combat loneliness successfully to create meaningful connections. Some people don’t feel comfortable in social settings, but that is okay. Consider one small step; forget about going from zero to sixty in moments. Being apprehensive is normal and healthy, as some folks have had negative social experiences in the past that linger. Consider these tips to bridge authentic and meaningful connections. 

• Be you: if you are going to take a chance, leave the facade behind
• Make eye contact, present relaxed body language 
• Practice gratitude and empathy: build around these transformative behaviors in earnest when you connect
• Listen intently to help understand, ask questions, and realize sometimes silence is better than a reply
• Volunteer: Helping others is a great way to meet like-minded people, and provides an invaluable public service 

Has loneliness affected your life? Any recommendations on how you have dealt with loneliness? Join the conversation by commenting.

(Photos from Unsplash)

“Loneliness corresponds to a discrepancy between an individual’s preferred and actual social relations (Peplau & Perlman, 1982). This discrepancy then leads to the negative experience of feeling alone and/or the distress and dysphoria of feeling socially isolated even when among family or friends (Weiss, 1973)”

When discussing loneliness, it is important to realize that several unique types can afflict people at almost any time. Let’s review the most prominent four of them.

Emotional Loneliness: 

Emotional loneliness often refers to a lack of an attachment figure or reasonable, meaningful relationships. This often presents in people who have a social structure around them, however, they still feel isolated. As mentioned in an earlier post, an intriguing fine line intersects emotional loneliness and the presence of choice. 

Social Loneliness: 

Social loneliness refers to the lack of relationships of social contact and support. Those mired in this type of loneliness feel the quality of their social connections is lacking. It is quite often for teens and young adults to experience social loneliness, particularly when struggling to be part of a specific social group.

Situational Loneliness: 

Sometimes referred to as transient loneliness, it is simply a feeling of loneliness that isn’t present in everyday life. Examples include frequent uprooting to new homes, altering one’s friend circle, or, as Dr. Alison Cook explained, “the type of loneliness that strikes one as a result of a unique change in circumstances.” 

Chronic Loneliness: 

On the opposite side of situational, sits chronic loneliness, an uncomfortable social isolation that extends for long periods. 

In many of these scenarios, the word lack appears several times. It is no surprise that humans are social creatures. We, subconsciously yearn to be together, to communicate, to love, to listen, and to be acknowledged. 

What Led to All of This Loneliness? 

According to a recent American Psychiatric Association poll, 30 percent of adults say they have experienced feelings of loneliness at least once per week with 10 percent saying they were lonely every day. 

While it is impossible to find the root of how loneliness became the epidemic today, several cultural impacts have exacerbated it.

Expansion and mobilization have had significant impacts on loneliness. In the 1800s, as American emigrants trekked westward, population centers diminished, breaking up families/social bonds and spreading people coast to coast in a relatively short time. Mass casualty events, most notably wars have resulted in more than a million American deaths. The COVID epidemic, particularly at its onset while many people were purposely isolated for health reasons had a sizeable impact on loneliness. COVID also led to over one million American deaths.

And, perhaps the worst culprit – technology

Technology has made it easier to communicate, work, travel, and find movie showtimes and sports scores, among thousands of other uses. Because there are no statutory guardrails on technology usage, specifically social media, it can be hard to delineate where the benefits outweigh the pitfalls. We are not taught that technology/social media is addictive; much the same as nicotine, alcohol, and gambling.

Dr. Ramon Diaz, mental health professional and guest author adds: “Recently, psychologists discovered through empirical studies while using FMRI scans cognitive impairments associated with screen use. The phrase that recently has been encoded based on some of these studies is digital amnesia. Amnesia is simply not remembering that an event(s) occurred as a child reviews autobiographical memories. This means children’s prefrontal cortex- the part of the brain that activates when using critical thinking skills- is not meeting developmental biomarkers. I see this digital amnesia more often when I work with kids.”

According to the CDC:

(8 – 10) year old children spend about 6 hours a day in front of a screen using entertainment media (approximately 4 hours on television);
(11 – 14) year old children spend about 9 hours a day in front of a screen using entertainment media (approximately 5 hours on television);
(15 – 18)  year old children spend about 7.5 hours a day in front of a screen using entertainment media (approximately 4.5 hours on television);
Adults 18 and over average about 7 hours per day

It provides a statistic that is beyond comprehension. If the average American sleeps about 7 hours per night and spends 7 hours using technology, more than 60% of your life is spoken for before you even make a choice.

And the result of this tech usage?

Most studies conclude with the same analysis: the extensive use of technology is associated with a decline in participants’ communication with family members, a decrease in their social circle, and an increase in depression and loneliness. Many experts believe that constant access to social media and technology, in general, can prevent us from making or keeping meaningful social connections.

Dr. Diaz continued, “Social media, according to Johnathan, the leading social psychologist in the United States, is increasing depression and anxiety among children and adolescents at alarming rates. Haidt also argues that girls under the age of 16 years are being impacted worse. His review of the social psychology research says that girls and eating disorders are increasing. With the prefrontal cortex not developing properly, children cannot inhibit natural compulsions and aggressive behaviors that arise during adolescence.”

—> NEXT MONDAY, 3/25/2024: In part 3 of this series, we will discuss ways to avoid loneliness and live a more connected life. 

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.” — Mother Teresa

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) defines loneliness as a distressing feeling that accompanies the perception that one’s social needs are not being met by the quantity or especially the quality of one’s social relationships. 

On June 14, 2022, The American Medical Association (AMA) published a press release that outlined the launch of the new 988 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a 24-hour hotline with mobile crisis teams on the ready for dispatch. The number replaces the 1-800 number previously used for such emergencies. 

In their press release, the NIH also recognizes “loneliness as a public health issue and [supports] evidence-based efforts to combat loneliness.” In addition, the NIH continues:

With extensive research showing evidence of the strong causal relationship between social relationships and longevity, the AMA adopted policy…identifying loneliness as a public health issue that impacts people of all ages. The new policy also supports evidence-based efforts to combat loneliness. Studies show that loneliness is not only a significant predictor of functional decline and premature death similar to, or exceeding, the risk from obesity, but loneliness in adolescence is associated with impaired sleep, symptoms of depression, and poorer health in general. According to the U.S. Surgeon General, loneliness is a public health issue that predates, but has been intensified by, the COVID-19 pandemic.

To add, AMA Board Member Ilse R. Levin, D.O., M.P.H. confirmed that “Loneliness is a public health issue that can negatively impact people of all ages. However, [since the COVID pandemic,] younger generations are experiencing more loneliness than older generations, and it’s important that we take steps to combat it.”

Dr. Ramon Diaz, a clinical mental health practitioner, and guest author here at CPTSD Foundation, also shared the following:

The presentation of ‘loneliness’ symptoms is complex in a person. The emotional experience of loneliness for many patients is unbearable. In a recent empirical study, the results conveyed that people experience symptoms of ‘dread, rumination, low motivation to complete daily tasks, and…gut health problems’ due to experiencing chronic loneliness.

Sitting Was The New Smoking – Now it’s Loneliness

Over the decades, the messaging on nicotine has been clear. Nicotine addiction results in death. The latest data suggests approximately fifteen percent of Americans use nicotine daily, equal to about fifty million people. 

The stats on loneliness are far worse.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, thirty percent of Americans, about 1 in 3, have experienced loneliness in the past year. That math equates to about 115,000,000 Americans, all of whom are as susceptible (if not more susceptible) to an array of diseases: 

• Heart disease and stroke
• Type 2 diabetes
• Depression and anxiety
• Addiction
• Suicidality and self-harm
• Dementia
• Earlier death

In 2023, The U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, published “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation” as part of the U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. This compelling report is a call to action for all who wish to solve the problem of this under-exposed epidemic.  

Differences Between Loneliness and Isolation

While the two are invariably connected, there are a few differences between loneliness and isolation.

According to the NIH, loneliness is the distressing feeling of being alone or separated. Social isolation is the lack of social contacts and having few people to interact with regularly.

Therefore, loneliness is a mindset or an emotional state. While we can sometimes strive to be alone to reconcile our thoughts or clear our heads, this scenario doesn’t truly constitute loneliness as we feel connected to people and things around us. Isolation, or more predominantly social isolation, allows for a level of decision-making, subconscious or not.

Dr. Diaz adds that “loneliness cannot be treated, simply by ‘talk therapy.’ More recent research shows that loneliness has both physiological and biological effects. Body-based therapy approaches are equally as important as talk therapy modalities.”  Moreover, Dr Diaz distinguishes that “the ‘felt sense’ of being heard and validated in therapy is vital for a patient to experience.” Furthermore, he acknowledges that “loneliness is usually influenced by someone’s attachment system, which is how the brain is wired before the age of 6, a wiring that informs people throughout their lives in terms of what relationships stand for.” 

If you are dealing with extended periods of loneliness, consider speaking with a mental health professional to discuss your concerns. Long-term loneliness (or isolation) is a serious health issue that should not be ignored.

—> NEXT MONDAY 3/18/2024: In part 2 of this series, we will examine the evolution of and the different types of loneliness.